01x05 - Of Lice and Friends

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

Man: All right...

Quiet down, now.

Time to

draw the name

of the new morning announcement person, so...

let's have a hand for last month's announcer

Mr. Chet Zipper.

[scattered applause]

Um... [clears throat]

[taps mic, feedback whines]

Ooh.

Thank you.

[in monotone]: Um... I, I really enjoyed

making the morning and afternoon announcements...

[yawning loudly]

...every morning and afternoon.

Um, thanks.

I heard Mipsy and Lanie

got caught talking during the math final

and now they have to take the whole class over in summer school.

No, Ginger, they just have to make up the past three tests.

I've got a total "in" with the janitor.

You wouldn't believe the notes people throw out.

They were passing notes, too?

Those girls sure live in the fast lane.

[Chet clears throat]

Um... the, the new morning announcement person is...

Dodie Bishop.

Me? [laughing]

[cheering and applause]

Oh, this is just the most thrilling moment of my life!

Luckians, I solemnly promise

to uphold the dignity of this prestigious position.

Thank you, thank you...

Thank you!

[cheering and applause]

[laughing]

[laughing]

Well,Podie,I hope you'll be an improvement on Brett.

Oh, pinch me!

Did Courtney Gripling just practically congratulate me?

Actually, she practically congratulatedPodie.

Podie doesn't mind.

Let's go.

Hoods, great news!

I found Siamese earthworms.

Take a look.

Sorry, Carl, I can't.

I have lice and got to stay away from people.

Whoa, let me see.

[whistles]

Six-legged beauties.

I get to use this really evil shampoo

and a fine-toothed comb to get rid of them.

Man, I hate to see such prime specimens go to waste.

Mind if I take some samples before you k*ll them?

My lice are your lice.

[chuckles]

Hoods, I am going to breed these pups and create a lice circus.

We'll be famous.

Our names and faces will be plastered

on every billboard in town.

Once this thing takes off, there will be no stopping it.

How about money?

For a circus, you'll need tents and rings and...

So? We get a rich investor to bankroll the whole thing.

Blake Gripling, for instance.

[Dodie vocalizing loudly]

Eee.. ah...

[fluttering lips]

[wagging tongue]

Sounds good.

What's it mean?

Oh, nothing, I'm just warming up.

It's important that vocal cords be malleable.

An on-air personality never knows what words she might have to pronounce

at a moment's notice.

In junior high?

[gargling]

Well, break a leg, Dodie.

Metaphorically speaking, of course.

Oh... oh, Mrs. Fleming, a word?

I mean, well, as one professional to another.

Um... okay.

Frankly, um, the announcements you gave me

read a bit, well... flat

and since we don't want people tuning out

mind if I tweak them a bit?

Fine.

[kids talking and laughing...]

[musical notes on p.a.]

Dodie on p.a.: Good a.m., Luckians.

Dodie Bishop here.

Um, the chocolate pudding on the cafeteria ceiling

will be cleaned off as soon as the janitor can find his ladder

which is-- quote, unquote-- missing.

[both laugh]

Dodie: Has anyone checked the boy's bathroom?

Until that time, please don't sit under the pudding, as it may drip.

A drip of chocolate pudding

nearly landed on Courtney Gripling.

Hmm...

But, miraculously

the drip slanted sideways at the last moment

completely missing her...

And my all-cream ensemble.

...and her all-cream ensemble.

Ooh!

And now for "Dodie's Word."

It looks like the most cute couple

hit the rocks on the class trip.

Amanda Lopez caught her steady of four months, Robert Frisch

kissing Dionne Whitley behind the stuffed moose at the natural history museum...

How does she know that?

I don't even know that.

That girl's good!

Courtney really said that?

Uh-huh.

I know some gossip.

It's about that whole Mipsy/Lanie math final thing.

It seems that we were way off...

Wait!

Uh, aren't the school announcements

just supposed to be, well, school announcements?

Oh, Ginger, that is so retro.

Okay, now go ahead

and don't leave out anything.

Oh, okay, but, um, this is strictly off the record.

Carl: I'm telling you, Blake, old boy.

This is a very hot investment opportunity.

It's guaranteed to make millions.

And I'm letting only quality individuals in on it.

Hmm... I'm intrigued.

But what's your plan, Foutley?

To breed them and create the world's first--

and so far, only-- lice circus.

Whoa! I... oof!

Egads!

Even a week ago, I might have found this a tempting investment

but right now, my maggot farm

is consuming all my time and spare cash.

[scoffs] Maggots?

Are you sure you want the Gripling name

attached to something so... common?

[chuckles]

Ah, but maggots don't stay maggots forever, Foutley, do they now?

They metamorphose into flies!

I'm not seeing the fame angle here, Blake.

You can watch flies for free at the city dump.

And we've done it, too.

Ah, but herein lies the ingenious part.

Soon I'm going to introduce food dye into their diets.

When they turn into flies

their wings will be spectacular colors.

It will only be a matter of time

before Blake Gripling becomes known

by a more famous moniker...

Fly Boy!

Doesn't sound very interesting.

Well, good luck, Foutley.

May the best plan win.

You don't stand a chance, Gripling!

In the battle between you and me...

it's going to be me.

Dodie: Today's lunch will be Chef Bob's

own specialty, chili con carne--

a tasty recipe he got from a jailed embezzler

while working as sous chef

at the state's minimum security prison.

I didn't know Chef Bob was a sous chef.

I didn't know he had a specialty.

I wonder if Chef Bob really wanted everyone to know

he used to work at a prison.

[gasps]

Luckians! Major news!

Lucky Junior High has gotten word that lice are on the loose.

[all gasp]

And, therefore, tomorrow

there will be a lice check by the school nurse.

There will be absolutely no exceptions.

From now on, I wash my hair four times a day

instead of the usual two.

That should do it.

Everyone knows lice are only attracted

to messy grossoids with no fashion sense.

Try not to panic, Macie.

Okay, but you do realize

this is how the bubonic plague started...

more or less.

[water running...]

Archery?

When will that ever come up in real life?

You'd be surprised.

Do you hear that?

Someone was taking a shower?

That has never happened

in the history of Lucky Junior High... ever.

Who would be that desperate?

Courtney and Miranda.

I overheard them talking...

Courtney, care to comment

on making history by using the shower?

Well, we are in the middle of an epidemic

and La Courtney isn't taking any chances... Dodie.

Did you hear that?!

Courtney Gripling said "Dodie."

She knows who I am.

[musical notes on p.a.]

Dodie: Now for a special announcement.

The school nurse is sick with the flu

and won't be able to conduct the lice check.

[all sigh]

But at the very last minute

we were able to land that incomparable angel of mercy, Lois Foutley, R.N.

[all laugh and exclaim]

Ginger's mother is going to be the Nit Nurse?!

Oh...

Oh, poor Ginger, how embarrassing.

Her mother, the Lice Lady.

[snickers]

My mother... checking for lice?

Did Dodie have to announce it to everyone?

Why did the whole school need to know?

They would have found out anyway

but thanks to you, I've got hours to suffer.

Ginger, it's a hot story.

I can't not report it

just because it's about a friend's mother.

We're talking about mymother, Dodie.

You should know how I feel about her

being the... Lice Wrangler.

Dodie called Courtney atrendsetter

not a fashion maven.

Well, you seem to be the only one

who doesn't like the way I do my job, Ginger. Hmph!

[angrily]: Oh...

Carl: Blakey boy!

[laughs] What a coincidence.

We were about to check up on the lice.

Care to join us?

Whoa!

I couldn't muster the interest.

I merely dropped by to invite you to my "Cirque du Fly."

I'll try to fit it in.

But, you know, since you're here...

Take a look

at these babies.

Come on, little guys.

Up and at 'em!

My sympathies.

I shall send you a fruit basket.

Looks like your lice circus is, um...fini.

How could this have happened?

Oh...

Well, tomorrow I introduce the dye

into the maggots' food.

After that, Gripling will be

the most famous name in town, I dare say.

Shall I save two seats for you?

Take a hike, Blake.

[tsking]

Tough break, old chap.

I guess this puts him one ahead of you, Carl.

Oh, Hoods, I may be down, but I am not out.

You might as well shred that invite.

There isn't going to be any Cirque du Fly.

[laughs]

Ginger, wait up!

You got to show me

where the nurse's office is.

No can do, Mom.

I'm late.

Hi, Dodie.

You remember Ginger.

Hello, Macie.

[musical notes on p.a.]

Dodie: I'm happy to report that I just underwent the lice check

and I am nit-free.

It was completely painless.

Macie, think about it.

I can't tell Dodie anything anymore.

It will end up in the morning announcements.

Where's the friendship in that?

Friends don't have friends who blab.

Dodie: Please line up in your home rooms

and proceed to the nurse's office in an orderly manner.

[Miranda gasps]

What, what?!

Oh, sorry...

I thought I saw something move.

I pity anyone who has lice.

They'll be ruined for junior high

high school and life.

Try to remember me fondly, Ginger.

Just as I expected.

Perfect!

Lois: Next!

Hello, Mrs. Foutley.

Prepare to be blinded by my glossy highlights.

And kudos on pulling off white after Labor Day.

Uh... thanks.

I'm so sorry to waste your time like this, Mrs. Foutley.

I mean, no louse has been within a mile of my hair.

Well, why don't we have a look-see?

Just to be safe.

I've been positively aggressive

with my daily hygiene routine.

No follicle has been left unturned.

Hmm... sorry, Courtney, but you have nits.

[gasps]

But that's... impossible.

You must be wrong.

Perhaps you're just not clear on the fact

that I'm famous for being pretty, popular

and spotlessly clean.

The thing of it is, lice love clean hair.

Makes it easier to move around.

Let me see if I understand you.

The fact that I've been showering obsessively to keep the lice at bay

has actually led me down the cootie path of no return?

Ain't life screwy?

You'd have been better off rolling around in mud.

It's why I never about my Carl.

Please don't tell anyone about this.

I'll be ruined!

I won't say a word-- nurse's honor.

Just be sure to wash your hair with this medicated shampoo.

Oh, launder all your bedding.

I'll get Chambermaid on it straight away.

So how did it go?

Oh... how do you think?

Let's go, Ginger.

And no ditching me this time.

[groaning]

Congratulations, kiddo.

Not a nit in sight.

Whew...

You can say that again.

Especially since you been hanging around

with that Gripling girl so much.

No... way!

Courtney Gripling has lice?

Oh... me and my yap!

I can't believe I broke the nurse's code of honor!

Swear you won't say a word to anyone.

I would never do that.

Good, 'cause that Courtney's one high-strung kid.

Okay, Hoods, time for Operation Maggot Morph.

Yuck!

Hmm, it's kind of a shame.

There was something to the idea.

Oh, well... light bulb.

I still don't get it.

What's this got to do with the maggots?

The light will warm them up a bit.

These maggots are going to turn into fly boys

before they even get to taste that dye.

And we are going to have a command performance.

[laughs]

Find any good notes, Mr. Pringle?

Oh, the pressure is unbelievable.

I mean, I had no idea

the students are hanging on my every word.

Only I'm short on words these days.

Sorry, Dodie.

Hmm...

Hmm.

[gasps]

Oh...

"The following students

were found to have lice

"and should be kept out of close contact

"with other students.

"Steven Applebaum, Joannie Asper, Patricia Bucci,

"Reggie Cameron, David Entwhite, Leon Griffin, Court..."

Courtney Gripling!

Oh... I'll go down in Lucky Junior High history!

[bell rings]

[sighs]

[kids talking]

[sighs]

[musical notes on p.a.]

Dodie: Luckians, I have a very important announcement to make.

Through my own investigation, I've discovered

ten students were found to have lice in yesterday's check.

I feel the other students have the right to know

so they can guard against catching it.

The names will be read in alphabetical order.

[laughing]

This is going to make the rest of my year!

Dodie: Steven Applebaum.

[all gasp and groan]

Dodie: Joannie Asper.

[whispers]: My name is on that list!

You've got to stop her!

She's your friend!

Well, at the moment, we're sort of...

Dodie: Patricia Bucci.

Please...

Dodie: Reggie Cameron.

Ginger, you need a pass!

Dodie: David Entwhite.

Hall pass!

Sorry, emergency!

Aah...

Dodie: Leon Griffin.

Girl whispers: Leon touched me!

[all muttering]

Aah... aah...!

Courtney...

Oh! Oh, Ginger!

You have totally destroyed my big moment!

Your big moment humiliating people?

I... I mean... the students have a right to know.

But that's not why you're doing it.

You've gone overboard, Dodie.

Oh! You don't respect me at all, Ginger Foutley!

I don't think we can ever be friends again!

We're not friends now!

Ugh!

Oh!

Oh... oh!

[loud buzzing]

Drat! Drat! Double drat!

[Carl and Hoodsey laughing]

[laughing]

I should have known.

This is rife with your handiwork, Foutley!

You better believe it, Blakey-boy.

Never try to one-up the One-up King.

Aah! Ooh, oh...

[screams]

[doorbell rings]

Coming...

Courtney...

Yes, I know.

Shock, shock.

Surprise, surprise.

Well, um... would you like to come in?

Actually, I just came by to tell you...

well, today and all... what you did...

Oh...

Wow... I don't know where that came from.

Anyway, I think we agree that pretty much covers it.

Oh... uh...

Ooh....

[Ginger panting, water running]

Uh, Ginger...

As a medical expert, I got to warn you

that if you keep scrubbing like that, you'll end up bald.

I just want to be careful.

I already rechecked you and you do not

I repeat, you do not have lice.

Besides, you're running late

for your phone call with Dodie and Macie.

Unless you and Dodie haven't patched things up yet.

How did you know about my fight with Dodie?

Oh, Ginger, the correct question is

how does a mother not know?

I overheard you talking.

Might be nice if you made up, though.

People make mistakes, you know?

Even me, and I'm your mother.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Hi, Macie.

Is it just going to be

the Two Musketeers tonight?

Guess so.

I'm going to need a round of antibiotics.

[beep]

That's my other line, hold on.

Hello?

Hi, Macie, it's me.

Oh, good, good, Ginger's on the other line.

Oh.

I'm not sure

but I think maybe the reason you called

is because you really want to apologize.

Well, I...

Great, hold on!

Ginger, I'm patching Dodie in.

Oh, but I...

Ginger, Dodie has something to tell you.

Um, hi, Ginger, um...

Well, I...

See, I really am...

Sorry?

Yeah. I feel like...

Such a jerk?

Okay.

I got out of control.

I guess it all went to my head

and some other Dodie took over.

Well, a lot of the time you were really good.

You actually made me want to try Chef Bob's special.

[Dodie laughs]

I promise

tomorrow I lose the gossip

and I go back to being plain old Podie.

You know, it doesn't meanwe still can't gossip.

Right.

Can you believe Miranda used her cell phone

in the middle of volleyball?

Who was she calling?

It was that Ben guy.

Seventh-grade Ben or ninth-grade Ben?

Ninth. Ninth.

[all laugh]

[laughing...]

Carl: You can watch flies for free at the city dump.

Hoodsey: And we've done it, too.