02x09 - Lunatic Lake

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[night birds calling eerily]

[sirens wailing]

MACIE: Ginger's brother, Carl,

brought this article to my attention.

It seems as though one Mr. Floyd Boggs

decided it was time to check out of the Lakeside Institution,

albeit without his psychiatrist's permission.

This Mr. Boggs, also known as "Crazy Floyd,"

is still on the loose

and believed to be bipolar and dangerous!

Uh, Macie...

The assignment was to find

a story relevant to your own life.

Oh, but it is!

You see, starting tomorrow,

Ginger and I are going to be vacationing

with Dodie's family

at Loon Lake, the very area

in which this escaped lunatic

is expected to be hiding.

Macie, this isn't from a newspaper--

it's from a tabloid.

I doubt there's any more truth in this

than there is in... the story

on the two-headed alien baby.

[gasps]: You mean, Cathy and Zolta

aren't really conjoined twins?

Oh, the mockery.

[bell rings]

All right, have a great vacation, kids.

See you in days.

[class cheering]

[all talking at once]

Courtney's mom invited me along

on a Caribbean cruise.

[laughs smugly]

I guess that's the difference

between a Gripling

and the Bishop family vacation.

I bet the Griplings won't be making

maple syrup on their trip.

Shame.

No.

We're really looking forward

to our trip, Miranda.

[sarcastically]: I bet you are.

Later!

You'd better watch out for sunstroke!

And you'd better watch out

for Crazy Floyd.

[laughs nastily]

Oh!

[raspy breathing]

[video camera clicking]

[faucet dripping inside]

[hinge squeaking]

[breathing continues]

[footsteps]

[hinge squeaks]

Oh! Good Aunt Mary!

Have you no decency?

This is an outrage!

All righty, move in

for a close-up, Hoods.

Will do, C.F.

This is neither the time

nor the place, I say!

I demand an immediate explanation!

CARL: Let's just say you are the star

of our new documentary on survival of the fittest,

or, in your case, "unfittest."

I don't think that's a word, Carl.

What are you getting at, Foutley?

Using Sir Charles Darwin's theories of evolution

as the basis for our study,

we intend to prove you're unfit to survive

and are thereby a drain

on the entire human species.

Is that so?

Well, I shall have you know

that I am a front-runner

in next week's "Young Explorer" contest,

whereby I shall be expected to survive alone

in the wilds of Loon Lake for hours,

with nary a convenience.

No kidding!

That's pretty scary.

[laughs horribly]

We will see

who gets the last "hardy-har-har"

when I stroll out of those woods

with a handsome endorsement deal.

Uh, that's assuming you'll even make it out alive

with that lunatic on the loose.

And further...

Lunatic?

Escaped lunatic.

He's reported to be hiding

in the very same woods

where you're going to be surviving.

Did you say you were bringing a hatchet?

[stammering]

Good luck, Blakey boy.

You're simply trying to scare me, Foutley,

but it shan't work.

[gasping, screaming]

[giggling]

LOIS [gasping]: Three... four...

five...

If we're lucky, we might see

the Canadian geese return.

Sounds great.

I'm a big fan of geese.

My mom always makes

baloney and canned cheese sandwiches, no crusts,

which we're allowed to eat

only after we've crossed the county line-- car rule.

Big fan of cheese, too.

Oh, my gosh, I'm supposed to be helping

with sandwich detail.

I've got to go-- see you tomorrow.

Oh, I'm so glad you guys are coming!

It's going to be a blast.

Dode, see you later.

Bye!

It is going to be fun, right?

Well...

Did I miss something here?

Can you keep a secret?

[pants]

Nurses' honor.

Macie and I are afraid

it's going to be a terrible time.

We really want to spend

our vacation with Dodie,

and Loon Lake sounds really great--

it's just that Mrs. Bishop

is... well... a little intense.

A little?

Okay... really intense, and not a lot of fun.

Look, I'm not going to stand here and pretend

that I'm president of the JoAnn Bishop Fan Club,

but you kids shouldn't let her spoil your good time.

But, Mom,

we'll be spending five days with her.

In a tiny cabin

in the middle of nowhere.

Look, girls, sometimes you've got to accept

a little bad with every good.

Take Cal, for example.

A long time ago, I learned that if I just ignore his bad side,

life's a whole lot happier for all.

It's obvious that this trip

means a lot to Dodie,

so why don't you try to just tune out

JoAnn's less appealing traits

and let yourselves have fun?

Why can't all moms be like you, Ms. F.?

Because there's not enough spandex

to go around, Macie.

Are you out of your gourd, Robert Joseph?

Carl Foutley is not coming along on our vacation.

We already have enough mouths to feed.

But Dad said!

Your father says lots of things that never come true.

But Dodie gets to bring her friends.

Well, my point exactly.

This trip is turning into the "Hotel JoAnn,"

and I'm already two pillows short.

JoAnn, what harm is one more person?

When that one person is Carl Foutley, plenty.

But you said that if I remembered

to put the toilet seat back down for three weeks in a row,

I could invite Carl on one of our trips.

Yeah, well, I meant a trip to the mall.

JoAnn...!

[sourly]: Fine, fine.

All right, terrific.

He can come along.

Score!

We will live to regret this, David;

you mark my words.

HOODSEY [on walkie-talkie]: We have confirmation, Carl.

We're going to Loon Lake.

Do you read me? Over.

Loud and clear, Hoods.

Loud and clear.

LOIS [inside]: Let's move it, Carl!

Oh, I feel kind of bad,

going off on a vacation

and leaving you here

all by yourself.

Ginge, four days

of uninterrupted channel-surfing

is going to be like a European spa to me.

You have a good time, but please,

keep an eye on your brother for me.

If I have to.

And, Carl, try to control yourself.

I'll do my best.

[Hoodsey and Carl snickering]

Sure you want to take my son with you?

That's a loaded question, Lois.

We're looking forward to it, really.

Remember what we talked about.

Have fun!

KIDS:Bye.

DODIE: Wish you were coming

with us, Mrs. Foutley!

I'd sooner pull my teeth out with a wrench.

[music playing on TV]

MAN [on TV]: The search is still on at this hour for Floyd Boggs,

the escaped inmate from Lakeside Institution.

He is described as early s, extremely anxious

and emotionally unstable.

LOIS: Ha! Put that in a velour jogging suit

and you've got JoAnn Bishop!

Oh, of all the times to try a new route,

you have to pick today.

But, JoAnn, there was a police detour.

JOANN: Well, I didn't schedule that!

Our wholemorning's throw. off.

We might as well

just eat the sandwiches here.

I think this lip gloss

would look really hot on me.

Carl, did you just moon that car?

CARL: That's a negative, Jo-Jo.

Carl, knock it off!

You're going to get us in trouble.

Yeah, Carl, please don't ruin this trip.

Do you hear something, Hoods?

No, just girls talking.

I'm about three beauty tips away

from vomiting.

Oh, let's do something different.

DODIE: Oh, I know--

let's play "I See the Bridge"!

Hoodsey and I do it all the time

on this drive.

Whoever is the first person

to see the South River Bridge--

it's big and red, you can't miss it--

has to say, "I see the bridge!"

And then what?

You just win.

Oh.

[car behind beeping]

We're onto something here.

Just wait till tonight,

when our lunatic

breaks into Blake's tent.

Then you'll see real terror.

And green.

I'm seeing serious green, Carl.

I mean, what other ten-year-olds

open their own movie theaters

that show their own movies?

We'll make a k*lling on popcorn alone!

And then we'll go multiplex!

I like the sound of that.

Say it again.

[grandly]: Multiplex.

Okay, let's get one more sh*t.

You know, really set up

that the entire town

is afraid of the guy.

[scary music playing]

[screaming]

[chuckling]

[car horn blares]

[tires squeal]

Oh, I see the bridge!

JOANN: Girls, I'm trying to read a map.

Honestly!

Sorry, Mrs. Bishop.

Yeah, you're not supposed to yell--

car rule.

[country music playing]

I don't know why these boys couldn't have used

the rest rooms an hour ago, like the rest of us.

I think Carl drank too much juice.

Well, now our gas mileage

is completely thrown off

with this little detour.

[kids screaming outside]

That was beautiful, Carl.

Thank you for indulging us, Jo-Jo,

and as a token of my gratitude,

please accept this quart of fried clams.

Well, I... I do have a hard time

passing up a good clam.

That's what I told him.

You see, the boy's not all bad.

CARL: Thanks for noticing, Mr. Bishop.

Mmm, well, this was very thoughtful, Carl.

Would... would anyone else like one?

Ugh.

Ugh!

Ugh.

JOANN: Carl?

No, thank you-- I avoid bottom feeders.

And I say, bring them on!

[munching loudly]

[squawking]

JOANN: You girls will sleep over there,

boys in the loft.

Keep your things in neat piles.

I don't want to be stepping

on Parcheesi pieces with my bare feet

in the middle of the night.

There will be no food left out

in the open at any time.

We don't need to be attracting

any wild animals.

Oh... ooh.

I am definitely feeling off.

Oh, I know what you mean, Mrs. B.

Canned cheese never agrees with me.

Here.

Come on, you guys, grab those buckets.

We can tap the maple trees on our way to the lake.

[all cheering]

Let's go to the lake.

Now, don't go losing

any of those sap buckets.

I paid good money for them.

We can make that jump, easy.

I don't know, Carl.

My ankles have been acting up.

I think we should just sneak out the front door.

Too risky.

Tonight's our only chance to terrorize Gripling.

He'll be out of those woods by tomorrow.

But are you sure we'll be able to find him?

That French milled soap of his should be pretty easy to smell

out here in the wild.

This Foutley nose has never failed me.

[inhales deeply]

That's where I saw my first snapping turtle.

It snapped clean through my ncle's walking stick.

[gasps]

Oh, and through here is where I broke my arm

when I was three.

This is it-- Loon Lake.

What do you think?

GINGER: Wow!

It's beautiful, Dode.

I'll say.

It's like one of those jigsaw puzzles--

you know, the big kind you shellac.

GINGER, DODIE AND MACIE: ♪ At Camp Caprice-price-price

♪ We don't say "mooses," we say "meese"! ♪

♪ And we feel proud, proud, proud ♪

♪ As we sing our song aloud! ♪

[giggling]

Did it ever occur to you merry minstrels

that dinner had to get on the table

and that maybe I could use some help arranging cold cuts?

I'm not a one-woman deli here, you know.

Sorry, Mom, I was showing them the lake.

Yeah, it's really beautiful out here.

I wouldn't know.

I've been up to my eyeballs

in alternating turkey loaf and provolone slices.

What can we do to help?

Yeah, consider me your beverage brigade.

Well, now you're underfoot, and someone is going to get hurt

with these butter knives everywhere.

Why don't you girls go set the table?

And use the cheap napkins.

Now, David, you might want to get

a few extra logs for tonight.

My mom gets a little cranky after long car rides.

Are you guys having a good time?

Uh, yeah, total fun.

Oh, it's really great, Dodie.

Thanks for inviting us.

It's the most perfect B.F.F. vacation yet.

For sure.

GINGER: The truth was, it wasn't the perfect B.F.F. vacation.

I mean, from the moment we left,

Mrs. Bishop didn't make us feel very welcome, especially Carl.

And it seemed like Dodie was making excuses for her,

like she doesn't want to notice

how totally insulting her mom can really be.

Or maybe it's me.

Maybe I'm being overly sensitive

because I feel caught in the middle

between Mrs. Bishop and Carl.

[JoAnn retching]

Or maybe this trip really is as awful as it seems.

I can't believe your mom was going to throw these away

just because they got all wet.

Canned cheese is practically waterproof.

You know...

[panting]: maybe this isn't such a good idea.

Why don't we go back and tomorrow we can just act out

the rest of the movie ourselves?

I think I'm gifted that way, Carl.

Hoods, this is the chance of a lifetime.

I mean, who wouldn't pay to see Gripling

traumatized by an escaped lunatic?

[leaves rustling]

Carl?

Turn on the camera, Hoods.

What if it's a bear, Carl, and it eats us?

I don't want our moms to have to see that on film.

But it might comfort them to know it didn't linger.

[growling]

[both screaming]

Those clams were pure poison!

W-what?

W-what is it, JoAnn?

Carl Foutley served me

rancid shellfish!

Oh, my.

Oh! Maybe you need another antacid.

Robert Joseph!

JoAnn, calm down!

He could also be in the throes of salmonella

thanks to his rotten little playmate.

That's not fair, Mrs. Bishop.

Oh, don't tell me rudeness runs in your family, too.

I'm not being rude.

Ginger, don't.

She's not sleeping on her regular pillow.

I don't care.

I know Carl can be a weirdo, Mrs. BI don't care.

I know Carl can be a weirdo, Mrs. Bishop,

but he's not rotten.

He really does have a good side.

You just have to give him a chance.

[groaning, stomach gurgling]

They're gone.

The boys and all their things are gone!

You were saying, Ginger?

[groaning]

DODIE: Shouldn't we call the park rangers or something?

When you want something done right, Deirdre Hortense,

you do it yourself.

That's why I'm here

and your father's packing the van.

MACIE: When your mom said to ignore

the less appealing traits,

I don't think she had this in mind.

I just want to crawl in a hole.

MAN: Arf, arf, arf... oh.

Excuse me, sorry to disturb you this late.

I'm JoAnn Bishop.

We own the cabin down the road.

I couldn't help but notice

your handsome bloodhound

when we drove by earlier today.

Well, I was hoping that I could rent her for a few hours

to help find my son and his demon-spawn friend.

Howl!

[growling]

Get a close-up of his teeth.

I think he's foaming at the mouth.

HOODSEY: I'm trying, Carl, but it's hard to balance

and film at the same time.

I'm... I'm not good in trees.

[cries out]

Hoods!

[grunts]

[growling]

That skunk's not going anywhere now.

Oh...

Oh, whoa...!

Hey, heel! Heel!

Oh, I just knew Carl would ruin this trip.

Dodie, your brother is missing, too.

Yeah, but Hoodsey wouldn't have done this

if Carl hadn't come with us.

Thanks, Dodie.

As if your mother

wasn't making me feel bad enough.

[chuckling]: Wow, will you look at that?

Sure looks like some tasty syrup fixings.

Wait, you guys.

Whoa! Hey, heel!

[gurgling]

There's a w*r raging in my bowels right now.

It's those bottom feeders, I'll tell you.

Hey, I think our friend's gone.

Hallelujah. Let's go home.

But, Hoods,

Blake has to be close by.

We can't come this far and not finish the job.

Oh, yes, we can, Carl.

I'm cold, crampy and nauseous

and I don't want to be out here anymore.

But, Hoods, you got to suffer for your art.

Suffering for art is getting crayon shavings in your eye,

Carl, not missing out on sleeping in a warm cot.

You got a point, Hoods.

Hey, maybe we can reconceive the movie

using our sisters as victims.

[gasps]

[growling]

Mommy!

[boys yelling]

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

[moaning]

Oh, great.

Now we stink, and not in the good way, Carl!

Mom?[dog panting]

You look pretty sick.

Don't you think you should go back

and have Dad call a doctor or something?

Oh, no!

I want to see the look

in his beady little eyes

when he sees my poisoned expression.

Oh, look!

Sap sure is running.

Uh, Ginger... I didn't mean to make you feel bad.

I'm sorry.

I am, too, Dodie.

I mean, I know Carl's no angel,

but I'm just related to him.

It's not like I have any control over what he does.

Or like I have any control over what my mom says.

Friends?

Yeah, friends.

I'm telling you guys, we should open a pancake house.

And I could hostess.

[birds squawking]

[panting, gasping]

Where are they?!

Please, don't hurt me.

Just let me go.

My family will pay handsomely for my safety--

in gold bullion, if you prefer.

I don't want you!

I want the others!

[Blake screaming]

[JoAnn wheezing and panting]

We are seriously cooked

when my mom wakes up and finds us missing, Carl.

Not to mention

Blakey boy will be walking out of these woods

in a little while.

So much for our movie theater.

Look, we still have all that other great footage.

Maybe we should consider acting in it ourselves.

You really think so?

Because I mean it, Carl, I have serious potential.

Okay, let's say the lunatic has been chasing you

through the woods

and you've escaped up in a tree.

Look around for him.

That's it.[crying out]

Catch your breath-- good.

A little more scared; I want to see that terror.

[dog barking]

[Hoodsey crying out]

The lunatic.

The lunatic!

Beautiful, Hoods!

Oh, yeah, I mean, I can actually taste your fear.

JOANN: And I can still taste

those poisoned clams!

Jo-Jo?

I want both of you down from there

in ten seconds.

We are going home

and you can kiss this vacation good-bye.

Bark, bark, bark, bark.

You've had him long enough.

Where's Princess Esmerelda?

Who?!

Bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Oh... oh, oh, I'm so sorry.

She... you know, she ran after that skunk.

Are you crazy?

You let a royal princess go walking in those woods alone?

Oh, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark.

Well, I don't know.

I'm sure... I'm sure she'll come back.

Oh... bow, wow, wow...

[gasps]

It's Crazy Floyd!

Get back, everybody!

Bow-wow, bow-wow-wow...

[yelling]

[JoAnn yelling, Floyd barking]

[sighing]

MACIE: I sure am sorry about the sap,

Mrs. Bishop.

I really don't want to talk about it, Macie.

In fact, I don't want to talk or think about this day...

[Dodie mocking, girls giggling]

For the rest of my natural life.

[whispering]: I see the bridge.

GINGER: I think we were all relieved that the trip was canceled.

It's weird--

even though I've known Dodie for practically my whole life,

traveling with her family made me see them all in a new way.

It's like everything about them was magnified by ten times--

the good parts and the bad.

[sniffing]

Ooh, whoa!

Okay, so Carl's bad parts were, like, times worse.

But even though I knew Carl was guilty of stuff,

I felt like I had to defend him,

like some kind of family instinct took over.

Maybe that's why Dodie was making so many excuses

for her mom.

Hmm, I think the only family vacations I'll take from now on

are going to be with my own wacko family.

[screaming]

What do you want from me?!

Get away!

CARL:Cut!

Cut! Cut! Cut!

Mom, you got to make me feel your fear.

All right, let's start again.

Places, everybody.

Oh, how many times am I going to have to do this scene?

Do you want % of our popcorn concession or what?

Oh, fine, but let's get it right this time

because the coating's starting to fall off the fried chicken.

[giggling]

JOANN: Your father says lots of things that never come true.