03x05 - The Easter Ham

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

It's fine, it's fine.

It's just that, well, today is the day Lucinda finds out

if Dirk is really Clarice's father.

Even though everybody knows

Dirk used to be a woman

at the roller derby circuit.

He'll be here soon, I promise.

Maybe Darren took the bus home instead.

He asked me to wait here, Dodie.

And we should, we should.

No question.

It's justOur Loves, Our Lives starts in five minutes

and we haven't missed an episode this whole year.

Then why don't you guys go on without me?

Oh, wouldn't dream of it.

We BFFs stick together, you know.

Four minutes, seconds.

COURTNEY: Ginger...

word is your birthday party for Darren

is shaping up to be the event of the year.

Really?

You want this party

to live up to expectations.

Or else no one will ever come

to another one of your parties again.

Who wants that damage with high school around the corner?

Not me. Nope.

Of course not.

Say, "Bye, Ginger.

See you at the party."

What she said.

We're working on it.

Can we give you a lift?

No, we're waiting for Darren.

How cute-- waiting to walk home together.

Don't we need to be somewhere?

We're social creatures, Miranda.

We need to be in a lot of places.

See you Sunday.

Hey... hey, thanks for waiting.

No thanks necessary.

Sorry I'm late.

Not nearly as sorry as I'm going to be

if we miss Lucinda's big news.

Come on!

[clears throat]

[music starts playing]

♪ The sun is shining, the spring is here ♪

♪ It's a bunnyful time of year ♪

♪ Hoppity-hop, it's an Easter bunny day ♪

♪ My basket's filled with chocolate creams ♪

♪ Marshmallow chicks and jelly beams ♪

♪ Yummity-yum, it's an Easter bunny day! ♪

"Beams"?

Did he just say "jellybeams"?

Rhymes with "creams."

There's no such thing as a jellybeam,Carl.

Besides, he's way too over the top.

We're going to lose out on repeat business.

That's okay.

We've got orders coming out of our ears.

Hoods, we just may have topped our own genius.

I mean, we're making a fortune humiliating Brandon Higsby

while selling last year's Easter candy.

Looky-looky-loo!

$.

Well?

Here.

Uh, next stop-- the Campbell residence.

Whatever you say, Carl.

I can go all night.

Higsby, you've got to stop hamming it up.

My mom says I'm showy.

Well, we're looking for subtle.

Showy has no place on Easter.

Look, when you hire Brandon Higsby,

you get showy.

You get flash.

You get pizzazz.

That's just how it is.

Not anymore it's not.

No one except my tap-dance teacher

tells me what to do!

[Brandon breathing heavily]

I quit!

Huh!

If you walk out that door, I'll throw myself out that window.

MAN [on TV]: You have a daughter.

WOMAN [on TV]: So do you.

MAN: Good-bye, Lucinda.

Happy birthday, Clarice.

LUCINDA: Dearest Clarice, when you grow up

and your heart is broken like it's never been broken before,

you'll understand why your mommy did what she's about to do now.

Happy birthday, baby!

[shrieks]

[glass shatters]

Why didn't someone stop her?

They just stood there and watched her jump.

People on soap operas

have very slow reaction times.

Lucinda totally ruined Clarice's party.

Which just goes to show you...

That you should never invite your mother?

No, no, that you have to consider

every potential disaster,

including maternal su1c1de,

whilst at the party-planning stage,

which leads us to Darren.

I would never throw myself out of a window,

no matter how bad the party was.

Darren, Dodie is right.

You need to go so we can finish planning.

Come on, I'm still grieving for Lucinda.

Darren...

Fine, but this had better mean that my party

turns out better than Clarice's.

It will.

That's a promise.

Ginger, do you realize that anyone that matters

will be here at your party?

Not long ago a party at the Foutley house

wouldn't have even blipped on the junior-high radar.

A lot has changed, Macie.

That's for sure.

And the BFFs have been together through it all--

the good times and the bad.

Don't remind me.

So, um, what do you guys think I should do about party favors?

Everyone needs to leave with something memorable.

How about something springy?

Oh, like live bunny rabbits!

You might what to consider the poop factor.

Ew!

[music playing]

♪ My basket's filled with chocolate creams ♪

♪ Whoa! Marshmallow chicks and jelly beans ♪

♪ Yummity-yum, it's an Easter bunny day! ♪

Yeah!

Oh, how lovely!

I'm telling you, Carl,

I think I could have a future in karaoke.

Pal, you'll be able to buy your own karaoke bar

before this weekend is through.

Hoodsey's Karaoke Den.

Oh, man, Carl, I am so all over that.

Come on, we've got to score more candy.

LOIS: Trust me, Ginger,

you could feed your guests buffalo jerky

and they'd still hoover every last piece.

The key is quantity over quality.

I say we put back the cookie dough

and make them from scratch.

We can make twice as many for the same price.

Hmm! Now you're talking.

Meet you in the soda aisle.

CARL: No one is going to notice

that it's Halloween clearance candy,

and at % off, we're almost doubling our per-unit profit.

HOODSEY [on walkie-talkie]: But who's heard of Easter vampires?

[both laugh]

Carl, what did I tell you

about driving to endanger?!

I should've known.

Sorry about that, JoAnn.

Don't mention it, Lois.

Whoa!

I guess they had a run on hams.

Excuse me.

I believe I was here first, Lois.

We got here at exactly the same time, JoAnn.

I would have been here sooner, but your son rammed my cart.

LOIS: Well, take that up with Carl.

Why don't you just give up the ham and call it a day?

What part of "This ham is mine"

don't you understand?

The rude part!

[gasps]

Ooh... ooh, my arm.

Oh, I can't feel my arm!

I'm... I'm having crushing chest pain!

[gasping for breath]

Oh, that's low, JoAnn--

faking a heart att*ck in the name of pork.

I... I... I can't breathe.

[gasps]

For the love of Peter!

JoAnn?

[gasps]

Oh!

Mom?

LOIS: If I ever agree to eat cockroaches

while lying down in a box of live snakes,

I want you to lock me up and throw away the key.

Duly noted.

Hello, everybody.

Hi, Dave.

Is my mom okay?

Yes, uh, yes, indeed.

She'll be going home momentarily.

Lois, may I have a word with you?

Nothing to worry about, right?

Well, I'm not sure.

There's good reason to suspect a cardiac condition.

We're running some tests, and until the lab work is back,

I've recommended she go home and avoid any stress.

I'm telling you, she is wound tighter than a piano wire.

How is she going to avoid stress

when sheisstress?

JoANN: I'll tell you how, Lois--

by eliminating the more annoying aspects of my life,

namely the entire Foutley family.

That is not fair.

Listen here...

Let a dying woman speak, Lois.

Dr. Dave has made it clear to me

that stress could be the cause of my condition,

and like it or not,

you and your family are the cause of my stress.

So from now until the end of my days,

I forbid-- and I repeat,forbid--

my family from interacting

with any member of your family.

What?! Whoa!

If I'm going to survive this cruel world,

it's going to be without a Foutley in my midst.

Mom...

Not now, Deirdre Hortense.

I'm sure you and your brother

will thank me for this someday.

Come on.

GINGER: Here it is, two days before I host

the most important party of my entire life,

and one of my oldest friends can't be there,

which begs the question:

Do I call off the party or do I have it without Dodie?

CARL: This is Jelly Bean calling for Cottontail.

Come in, Cottontail. Over.

CARL [on walkie-talkie]: This is Jelly Bean calling for Cottontail.

How do you read?

What are you doing?

Hoods, we have baskets to make by tomorrow morning.

This isn't a good idea, Carl.

My mom could go like that if she knew I was even talking to you.

CARL [on walkie-talkie]: Your mom is faking it.

I've seen that act a hundred times.

Now, I need your help delivering these orders.

Meet me here at my house at : a.m.

HOODSEY: I can't risk it, Carl.

What do you mean?

We have business obligations.

She's my mother.

I don't want to lose her, okay?

CARL: But what about Hoodsey's Karaoke Den?

HOODSEY: That dream will have to die, Carl.

Oh! I didn't mean to say "die"!

Never mind.

Over and out.

[static crackling]

[rustling]

Dodie, it's me, Macie--

Macie Lightfoot.

Macie?

Macie, you're not banned at my house.

You could use the front door.

Oh, I guess I got caught up in the drama.

Tell me every detail.

I want to know what everyone said

when they found out Ginger was canceling the party.

Um, Dode, I'm not sure

Ginger is planning on canceling the party.

What?!

How could she consider having that party without me?

Well, technically it is Darren's birthday party,

and Darren is her boyfriend.

Well, yeah, but this party

is alsothemost important BFF thing to happen

since we got to buy training bras.

That was one of my darker days.

Macie Lightfoot, you tell Ginger

that if she cared one iota for our friendship,

she would cancel this party!

It's a miracle you survived that fall, Lucinda.

Hmm, uh-uh.

Don't try to talk.

When those bandages come off,

you'll be as beautiful as ever.

[muffled moans]

Oh, kiss me, Lucinda.

Open that broken jaw and kiss me.

[Lucinda moaning]

Oh, my goodness,

I can't believe they show this in the middle of the day.

Here you go.

That is skim milk, right?

I don't need any dairy fat clogging my arteries.

[doorbell rings]

Rest your arteries, I'll get it.

We're not buying

any more magazine subscriptions.

Okay.

I'm looking for a Hoods P. Bishop.

Are you out of your mind, Carl?

I have a weak patient in there.

Hoods, we stand to miss out on some serious cake

if we don't deliver those baskets.

We're sitting on a gold mine.

Well, I'm sitting with a heart-challenged mother

who says it's because of you.

Come on, Hoodsey.

♪ Yummity-yum, it's an Easter bunny day. ♪

No, Carl,

she'll find out.

She can smell you on me.

She's like a doberman that way.

So you're ending our friendship over a fake heart att*ck?

I guess so.

Maybe it's time for you to move on, okay?

Don't call or write or anything.

It'll only make it worse.

Just forget I exist.

JoANN: Robert Joseph, are you burning toast?

Hey, Carl!

I told you I'd start my own business.

Want to hear our song?

b*at it, Higsby.

[shrilly and off-key]: ♪ Chick, chick, chick

♪ We're the Chickie Chicks

♪ And we got some treats for you. ♪

[scoffs]

It doesn't even rhyme.

GINGER: Courtney?

It's Ginger.

COURTNEY [on phone]: Hello, Ginger.

We aren't playing childish games at the party, right?

Oh, no, of course not.

But about the party.

I need an unbiased opinion.

Continue.

Okay, well, Dodie's mom and my mom had a fight

at the Bag-It-Yourself Bargain Basement...

Back story; cut to the chase.

Um, since then,

her mom decided that my family

is sort of off limits to Dodie,

which means she can't come to the party,

and she really wanted to.

And?

And now that she can't come,

she wants me to call off the whole thing, and...

I don't know if I should.

Ginger, let me make this crystal clear:

It would be a gigantic mistake

to cancel a party that everyone is talking about.

I know.

But it feels disloyal to have the party

if my oldest friend wants me to cancel.

And what if I just postpone?

Darren will understand.

Will he?

On his birthday, no less?

Ginger... a girl must never put the feelings

of an overly dramatic girlfriend

before the feelings of her loving and doting boyfriend.

People might talk.

But it feels like a s*ab at Dodie.

Dodie's a big girl, and she stabbed you

in the back once before, if my memory serves.

I guess.

Aren't you glad you called?

Can't wait for your party tomorrow.

I'm all about wide-leg palazzos

with ruffled cuffs.

Good to know.

Thanks, Courtney.

I can't believe the only party I've ever thrown

is turning out to be such a gigantic disaster.

DARREN: Hey!

Hi.

Thanks for meeting me here.

No problem-- but why the coded directions?

My mom's banned your family, too.

You're kind of Ginger-adjacent.

Darren, I need to ask you a favor.

sh**t.

Would you mind asking Ginger

to cancel the party?

Dodie, come on...

She'll listen to you.

Look-- Ginger doesn't feel good

about having this party without you,

but it's my birthday

and she's excited everybody's talking about it.

It doesn't seem fair to cancel

because of a w*r between mothers.

I thought you might say that.

It would mean a lot if you told Ginger

it's okay with you to have this party.

But it's not okay with me, Darren.

In the old days,

Ginger would have never put a party before her BFFs.

But now that she has a boyfriend,

she doesn't care anymore.

Well, she does so care, but...

If she cared, she would call it off.

Hey, now, that's totally one-sided, Dodie.

You know, Darren,

you used to be a much better friend

before all this started between you and Ginger.

You used to actually listen,

and you didn't rush to take sides.

But now all you ever do is defend Ginger-- no matter what!

Ginger doesn't even know I'm here.

I came for you.

You know, you say Ginger doesn't care

about the BFFs anymore.

But what about you?

You only care about yourself--

and you're missing aparty!

Just forget I said anything.

Okay, Darren?

Happy birthday.

[sobbing]

I could get used to this lifestyle.

I beats cleaning bedpans.

Okay, the next house is the Bouviers'.

You're going to have to sing the song

in French this time.

Look, Carl, you'll get one language out of me,

that's it.

Hoodsey would have sung it in French.

Hoodsey has more panache than I do.

[brakes squeak]

Well, hello, Lois.

I didn't know this was your bunny trail.

Oh...

Uh, well, hmm...

JoAnn Bishop's son was Carl's business partner.

Ah, yes, JoAnn.

Uh...

I just got through looking at her lab results.

You were right-- her heart's just fine.

It's an esophageal hernia.

I knew it!

Come on, we're taking a ride.

You got to give JoAnn this news right away--

and I want to watch.

With any luck she'll call off this family feud

and I can spare whatever dignity I have left.

But, Mom, you're the Easter bunny.

You can't just leave me.

[tires screech]

BRANDON: ♪ Chick, chick, chick

♪ We're the Chickie Chicks

♪ And we got some treats for you. ♪

Hey, weren't you working

for Carl and Hoodsey?

Yep.

But our flair was unwelcome,

so Mr. Licorice and me struck out on our own.

Never can keep a good chick down.

That's for sure.

Well, we have three more deliveries to make.

See you.

♪ Chick, chick, chick

♪ The Chickie Chicks...

Are you mad, girl?

That's salmonella city!

Chill, Macie, it's one piece of dough.

Sorry, I lost my head.

I'm just a little off

with all this conflict in the air.

But you're doing the right thing

by having the party, Ginger.

Ugh... that's what everybody says.

But why doesn't that make me feel any better?

Ginger! Macie!

Darren!

What's up?

You won't believe

the idea I got from a kid in a chicken suit.

Courtney advised us against party games, Darren.

No, no, no, no, look, look, look.

There are two ways to face a problem:

You either throw in the towel and give up

like Lucinda did when Dirk left her

or you dust yourself off

and face your problem head on

like the singing chick did

when he started his own business.

Yeah...

Well, don't you get it?

If we want Dodie to be here for the party,

it's up to us to make it happen.

You mean defy Mrs. Bishop's demands?

If that's what it takes.

No, Darren,

Mrs. Bishop is a very unstable lady.

I know... which is why we may have to do this

secret-agent style.

[whispering]: You go first.

[grunts]

[sobbing]

Oh... oh...

[shrieking]

[thudding, moaning]

Oh, hi, Dode.

Ginger?

Aren't you getting ready for your party?

I am.

What are you doing here?

I'm not having it without you.

We're here to bust you out.

[gasps]

Oh, Ginger!

[moaning]

We're stuck.

But we're going to need another escape route.

If it weren't for the floppy ears,

I'm sure my blood pressure would soar right now.

[laughs]

Hey, good one, Mrs. Foutley.

JoAnn, I've looked over the results of your tests--

your heart is fine.

What you're suffering from is

an overactive bile duct.

Nothing a sensible diet won't keep in check.

Really?

Well... well, isn't that good news?

Oh, I'm so relieved!

Look, I'm sorry if a little tug of w*r caused you any harm,

and as far as my family causing you stress,

I'm sorry for that, too.

JoAnn, you don't have to like me,

but you can't go on stopping our kids

from having fun together.

Face it, they're a posse.

Well, I... I guess I overreacted in the face of death.

I... I don't know what came over me in that supermarket.

And as far as my condemnation of your family goes,

I suspect it isn't always Carl

at the head of trouble.

I know my Robert Joseph has

a touch of the devil in him, too.

And I don't have a single reason

to fault Ginger in any of this.

So you'll let Dodie come to the big shindig tonight?

We're serving ham.

I-I don't see why not.

Deirdre Hortense!

You'd better get a move on

if you want to get to Ginger's party!

[panting]: Thanks, Mom!

GINGER:Come on,hurry.

Hallelujah!

Don't forget the ears!

Look, we had every intention of delivering,

but my Easter bunny... went into labor.

[doorbell rings]

You know how rabbits are.

♪Le soleil brille, le printemps est là♪

♪C'est un bon jour pour les lapins...♪

Mon ami,our bunny is back in business.

See you in .

[rock music playing]

GINGER: The party was a huge hit.

If spring is a time for making a fresh start,

then this party may have just been the perfect spring event.

How long have you known the cool girl

who's throwing the party?

Oh, we've been best friends

since, like, second grade.

Cool!

Is that her boyfriend?

Yeah, that's Darren.

He's only, like, the coolest guy I know.

At least that I know so far.

Oh, this ham bone will make a delicious soup.

Not part of your new diet, Jo-Jo.

Besides, I already promised it to Carl.

He's starting a jewelry business and wants it for a pendant.

You do indulge the boy.

Hmm.

Pass the olives.

GINGER: It was a night of new beginnings--

a new understanding between our moms,

a new popularity for me

as the cool girl who's throwing the party,

and a new realization for Dodie, Macie and I

that if we're going from being BFFs to BFFs with boyfriends,

it was going to take a little extra effort

to make sure nothing came between us.

JoANN: Robert Joseph, are you burning toast?