03x07 - No Turning Back Part 1

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me th♪ On the other side. r ♪

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

[echoing]: Hi, guys.

What's up?

Dode?

Mace?

Guys!

Wait up.

Huh?

[knocking on door, Ginger groaning]

Five more minutes.

Sorry, kiddo, I already gave you an extra half hour.

You shouldn't have stayed up so late.

I had a hard time falling asleep.

Excited?

I guess.

Well, high school orientation's a big deal.

I remember the exact outfit I wore for mine,

right down to the brown suede Earth Shoes.

It's so hard to believe you're graduating... already.

[chuckles]

You're going to have a ball, mark my words.

The high school years

were some of the best years of my life.

Also the last time I fit into a size .

Not for long-- when you stroll down that wedding aisle,

you'll be practically a waif.

Ha! More like a waffle,

but I'll take the compliment anyway.

Mom, have you seen my cufflinks?

Carl, I thought we agreed--

no more attending funerals you weren't invited to.

At ease, Lola.

My formal attire is due to the fact that I am en route

to an important business meeting,

and I prefer to attend with the confidence of knowing

that my cuffs are securely fastened.

They're in the spice rack,

in the empty paprika jar.

Sorry for the intrusion.

And you'd better not come home with another floral arrangement.

I mean it, Carl!

You did warn your teachers

that he was coming their way, didn't you?

I didn't have the heart.

I'll send a sympathy card.

HOODSEY: It's like...

the mere thought of it makes my stomach turn.

I mean, if anyone ever saw that photo, I'd be ruined.

I'm just saying you should have thought about that

before you rode the boy around on your handlebars.

I had amnesia, Carl!

Does that mean anything to you?

Those were darker days, Hoodsey.

[brakes squeak]

Fortunately, things are looking up.

Gentlemen, so glad you could attend.

Let's get to the business at hand, Blakie boy.

Very well.

As mentioned in the engraved invitations

distributed by my staff earlier in the week,

I believe the time has come

to put our silly childhood squabbling behind us.

I propose we join forces

as we make our pilgrimage next year to Lucky Junior High.

There's safety in numbers, I say,

and there is no better way to right bad blood

than with good blood.

Boys, I don't clot very well.

Just so you know.

He's not talking literally, Higsby.

Quite right.

As you know, I've invited each of you here to show good will

by surrendering confiscated, valuable and/or coveted goods.

[beeps]

[whirs]

[hissing]

[Hoodsey groans]

On the count of three,

the rightful owner shall claim his possession

as the first step towards a united front.

One...

Two, three.

Mr. Licorice is going to do the happy dance.

Oh, yes, he is!

Oh...

How I have missed you, my fine, fleshy friends.

Good riddance to bad publicity.

[exclaims]

There you are, beautiful,

apple of my eyeball, light of my life.

[kisses loudly]

It's, like, get a room, Carl.

You know, it seems like only yesterday

that I said hello to you all,

and now it's almost time to say good-bye.

I hope that I've enriched your experience as a student

as much as you've enriched mine as a teacher.

[school bell rings]

Well, if you're ready,

let's head over to the high school

and get this party started.

Hey, Ginger.

As you know, each year the staff selects one student

from the graduating class to give a speech.

Doesn't have to be too long, but it should be uplifting

to help usher your peers towards the high school experience.

We were wondering if you would like to serve

as this year's speaker at the event.

Me?

Can't think of anyone better.

DODIE: Here I stand at the threshold

of high school.

I can't believe it.

Ooh-whee!

How do I look?

Technically, this is only orientation.

Doesn't matter.

We're here.

I'm so excited I could sing.

I'd can the Maria von Trapp act if I were you, Deirdre.

Upperclassmen in high school eat girls like you for breakfast.

To think all I usually have is a muffin.

No, you have to do it, Ging.

It's a total honor.

[whimpers]

Are you okay?

Yeah... sure... never better.

Why?

Oh, it's just that I lost the feeling in my left hand

about four minutes ago.

We have zero tolerance for harassment of any nature.

You will be expected to maintain no less than a B average

in order to participate in any extracurricular activities.

Unexplained and excessive absenteeism

will be grounds for suspension.

We're also proud to announce

the arrival of our very first soda machine,

which will be installed in the cafeteria.

You will need exact change.

Exact change?

It's all about change, you see?

He's talking about nickels and dimes, Ging.

Keep it together.

This is going to be like when the seal girl

was swept away in the Straits of Gibraltar

and consequently separated from her herd.

Yes, but she returned

a richer, more well rounded, exotic seal girl for it.

With flipper piercings.

Don't worry, Macie,

no one's going to make you pierce your flippers

if you don't want to, and we'll be here to back you up.

I can't expect you guys to fight my battles forever.

I mean, are you going to follow me to college

and through my graduate work, if I'm so inclined?

Maybe.

The important thing to keep in mind

is that nothing is going to tear us apart.

E through I, please follow Mr. Putnam.

Except maybe alphabetizing.

J through O, go with the lovely Ms. Sullivan...

[laughs nervously]

[clears throat]: Standing there in the back.

Oh, man, I was just starting to feel my fingers again.

[jazz playing]

Isn't this super-duper?

That Bird was one cool cat.

What's with this "people who think they're birds" trend?

First it was that freak Polly, now this guy.

Polly's not all bad, Hoods.

What's your impression of the P-man, Robert Joseph?

P-man?

The Bird.

No offense, Mr. Hepper, but I'm not a big fan of birds,

or people who think they're birds.

That's cool.

Jazz is an acquired taste, like Clamato.

It takes a mature palate

to really appreciate its complexities, dig?

See, one can't really hear the jazz

until you feel the jazz, you follow?

Oh, I feel it, Mr. Hepper.

I feel it way down in my bones!

His sounds are as alive today as they were years ago,

which brings me to our next assignment.

You cats are soon to leave a legacy of your own,

in the form of a time capsule that will be buried

here on the school grounds of Lucky Elementary.

[class cheers]

Oh, goody, I love capsules,

except when they're filled with fever-fighting acetaminophen.

Then I prefer chewables.

Can we bury him in it?

Criminal offense.

MR. HEPPER: I want each of you cats

to choose something to contribute

that defines the very childhoods you're about to leave behind.

GIRL: I say why not try

sending excess resources back to the community responsible

for raising them in the first place?

I'm not sure if you're aware, but the Rizzo family

is struggling to pay for Larry's kidney transplant.

He's a sophomore.

So sad about the kidney, but if you ask me,

you might consider relandscaping the school grounds.

Talk about Drabsville!

Um, Courtney is a big proponent of beautification.

It is always better to look good than to feel good.

Tell that to Larry.

GINGER: Uh, that is, Courtney believes

one should work from the outside in,

bettering aesthetics to help better the soul.

Very progressive school of thought, actually.

Aren't you Ginger Foutley?

GINGER: Yeah.

Weren't you the recipient

of last year's Avalanche Arts fellowship?

Yeah.

Well done, Miss Foutley.

I applied for that spot myself.

Really?

Yes.

Since aligning with me, Ginger has really gone places.

Hard to believe she was just that wilting little wallflower

not long ago.

Weren't you also the one who came up

with the Student Reformation program?

Not one of my best ideas, but...

Well, kids, we have to keep moving.

Have a lot left to see.

And let me know about that landscaping.

The workers who did Mama's self-reflection garden

are very reasonable.

Well, Ginger,

this fall, run for student council,

because you are a shoo-in.

I mean, I'll support you.

Wow, thanks.

Oh, and bamboo needs a lot of water,

so you might want to consider a sprinkler system

and a bed of river rocks.

[playing band music]

They're really selling it.

Lightfoot, you're getting checked out like a library book.

Say again?

You're right.

His one good eye is all over me.

[inhales]

Hi, kids, I'm Mr. Meyer, the director

of the marching and symphonic bands.

As you can see, we're short on clarinets but not on talent.

Do we have any clarinets out there?

Oh, oh!

Fantastic!

That's terrific.

I hope to see you next year.

The Lucky Goat band is probably the most glamorous elective

offered at the high school,

what with the football games, the bus trips,

the national competitions and the visitation rights

with Chewy, our goat mascot.

[bleats]

Being in band is, well, a...

[imitating goat]: "bla-a-a-a-st."

Ain't that right, kids?

[kids bleating]

[bleating]

[young man bleats]

QUARTERBACK: , , , hike!

[grunting]

That, boys, is real phlegm, blood and human saliva

you're being sprayed with.

Team practice begins around mid-August,

a couple of weeks before the start of school year,

and we go right through Thanksgiving Day.

Now, we're looking for, number one, commitment;

number two, dedication;

and C, a willingness to undergo compound body fractures.

Well, is that there a Patterson I see before my twinkling eyes?

Yes, sir, Darren Patterson... sir.

Well, look at who we have here, boys.

It's a Patterson.

Ooh-whee!

PLAYERS [chanting]: Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.

Now, for those of you who don't know,

Patterson's daddy was the best darn coach

this high school ever did see, personal company included.

And his older brother, Will,

is the best high school quarterback of all time.

I guess I know

where this Patterson will be come mid-August.

Actually I'm not much of a football fan.

I'm more of a kinder, gentler Patterson

who enjoys walks in the park and intact collarbones.

[laughing]

That's a good one, son.

SQUAD: One, two,

we'll break it down for you!

We'll sack your quarterback

all the way to Hackensack!

Take a note-- we don't gloat!

Just b*at you bad!

We're Goats!

Go, Goats! Go, Goats!

Go, Goats! Go, Goats! Go, Goats!

Go... Goats!

[bleating]

I want in.

Don't they all?

First you have to audition

in front of the rest of the squad.

Typically you're asked to perform

the classic Lucky routines--

maybe a few flips, a split, a [bleats] or two.

But I've got to warn you--

no freshman has ever made the cut.

Ever?

Ever!

But don't be discouraged.

Just because it has never happened,

ever, never, not ever, never, never...!

SQUAD: Go, Goats!

Go... Goats!

You mark my words, Mama,

I shall blaze a trail here at Lucky High

and truly make a name for us Griplings.

This is a no-phone zone.

Let me ring you right back, Mama.

[mockingly]: "Let me ring you right back, Mama."

How rude!

News flash:

No one likes snotty little freshmen

with expensive toys.

Look here, I wouldn't even talk to my dog that way...

if I had a dog, which I don't.

You want to make something of it?

[locker door clanks shut]

Wow... that was, like, ages ago.

Wasn't it great?!

Wasn't it superb?!

Wasn't it everything you ever dreamed it would be?!

Hey, guys.

Talk about your walk down Memory Lane.

We weren't talking about Memory Lane.

We were talking about high school,

home to full-size lockers, a full-service cafeteria

and full...

Don't hate me, but I've chosen my electives,

and I'm signing up for band.

There's just something about it

that makes me feel like I've found my people.

F.Y.I.-- Courtney went AWOL

and appears to be M.I.A.

She was in your group, Foutley.

What gives?

I don't know.

I haven't seen her since we toured the student lounge.

Great, she probably scoped some hallway hotties

and scored mad digits without me.

I knew I should've tailed her.

[crying]

[phone ringing]

Being discovered would damage my rep.

Not being discovered would damage my rep.

Any way you slice it, my rep is going to be damaged.

What to do?

If only I could reach that phone.

[players chanting, phone ringing]

Her last words were "Mama, I will call you right back."

But she never did!

[sobbing]

What was she wearing?

[calmly]: An adorable little cashmere twin set

that I picked up in the south of France,

the palest shade of lilac with green piping. Mmm!

[sobbing]

Oh, you must find her!

Did you hear?

Just now.

Word is an antifreshman league

has claimed responsibility

for the disappearance.

Good maple of York!

We're not even officially freshmen!

Uh... uh... forgot my reeds.

Did he just offer me

an unsolicited explanation of his whereabouts?

He did.

He certainly did.

Who is he?

Bass clarinet.

Yowsuh!

So that's why you wanted to take band so badly.

He wanted you to know where he was.

In the boy universe, that's got to mean something.

[chuckles]: Oh, yeah.

[muffled ring]

[Courtney sighing]

I'm bordering on total dehydration

and remain desperately in need

of a light, fragrance-free facial moisturizer

that will replenish without causing any secondary breakouts.

[locker door opens outside]

Oh, hello!

Hello, out there!

[rattling]

Boy?

[rattling]

My name is Courtney Gripling,

and I'm in need of your services.

I will improve your social standing

and success rate with girls

if you will forget what you just saw

and never speak of this to anyone.

Whoa, sure thing.

[door bangs shut]

I'm sorry!

I should've been more clear.

I meantafteryou rescued me from the locker.

Iwillneed you to rescue me from this locker!

Boy?

HOODSEY: Does Noelle know you're seeing Polly again?

CARL: I think I mentioned it.

I must have.

Didn't I?

I'm sure I did.

In fact she probably would've been here herself

if she didn't have to be fitted

for her orthopedic dance shoes.

She's taking flamenco lessons.

You're late, Carl!

[squawks]

Please forgive our tardiness.

Hoodsey and I are facing a bit of a personal dilemma.

Hmm, you're shaped like a budgie.

I have a slow metabolism.

She didn't mean it as an insult, Hoods.

She thinks you look like a bird.

Yeah, great.

I'm telling you, Carl,

there's something really wrong with that girl.

I think she's kind of fascinating.

Nut cases tend to be.

So, let me pick your brain about something, Polly.

sh**t.

Our class is creating a time capsule,

and Hoodsey and I have to surrender something

that defines our childhood for it.

So? Clean out the nest.

Give that up.

But we just got that back.

Sounds like a budgie, too.

[squawks]

You notice?

[squawks]

I do not!

It's just that we spent our youth

serving and protecting Feldman.

We even had to give Gripling back his tonsils for it.

[squawking]

POLLY: Precisely.

Whenever you place that much importance on something,

you allow it to control you.

Putt.

It doesn't control me.

I just don't want to give it up.

It stems from a fear of letting go.

If you want your life to be ruled by fear,

that's up to you.

Blue goes first, budgie boy.

[squawks]

This summer, evil has a name,

and it's Polly Shuster.

She is not to be trusted, Carl, and apparently neither are you.

Ay!

COURTNEY: It was midday.

I was peckish.

I wandered into the cafeteria

in search of a tiny espresso and a piece of biscotti,

preferably the imported variety featuring almonds.

Within moments, a wrong turn sent me

into a cold, damp storage room.

The door locked behind me.

I was nearly out of oxygen when Unnamed Boy found me.

Unnamed Boy is a hero.

[gasps]: A hero.

That's my story,

and I'm sticking to it.

Unnamed Boy, are you really unnamed?

No, I'm Andrew.

I've already got your name inked on that jersey, Patterson.

I'll see you at practice.

Fall out!

Football? You're joining football?

Not willfully.

It seems as though it's a prerequisite

for being a male Patterson.

But the football schedule is really intense.

We'll never see each other.

I just agreed to one practice.

That's all for now...

although I got to admit it's kind of flattering

to get all this attention from the coach.

Well, if it's attention you want.

Any ideas for that speech, Ginger?

Truth?

Not a one.

I don't mean to pressure you, but if you want feedback,

you'll need to get a draft to me sooner rather than later.

I am swamped with planning.

Okay, I'll get to it soon.

Darren and I just have to...

No, Ging, this is more important.

You go work on your speech

and call me later after you've made some progress, okay?

But, uh... yeah, okay.

Good-bye, Darren.

No, no, no, no.

This isn't "Good-bye, Darren."

This is just "Call me later

after you've made some progress, Darren."

Okay?

Okay... if you say so.

You made a delicious fish fry,

and you shouldn't be penalized for that,

but it's either you or my new pantsuit, my friend.

So this is good-bye.

So, was orientation everything you thought it would be?

[dully]: Uh, yeah.

Did you finish choosing your classes?

[dully]: Yeah.

Pretty exciting, huh?

[dully]: Yeah.

[sighs]

This is a dietetic fat-free vanilla sandwich cookie moment, isn't it?

What gives?

I don't know, Ma.

I feel like I'm being rushed--

rushed into picking my freshman classes,

rushed into writing this graduation speech,

rushed into adulthood.

I know it sounds stupid, but it's true.

It does not sound stupid, kiddo, not stupid at all.

But consider this: Growing up is like dieting.

There comes a point when your old clothes

just don't fit you anymore,

but the idea of giving up that old argyle sweater

with the elbows worn out just so

makes you want to cry.

Until the day when you catch your new and improved reflection

in that formfitting number, and you think, "Hey, not bad"--

suddenly it's not so hard

to leave behind old Uncle Argyle, see?

Mom, Dr. Dave is great.

I'm really happy for you.

Great, he is.

So it took me two tries before I got the doctor?

[giggles]

Yeah, there's a lot of change going on around here,

that's for sure.

But, Ging, I want you to know

that I'll always be right here...

with the dietetic fat-free vanilla sandwich cookie jar

on hand.

Good.

[Lois laughs]

COURTNEY: That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.