03x18 - The Wedding Frame

[bunniefuu]

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

♪ Well, I paid a visit

♪ While it's possible I missed it ♪

♪ It seemed different yet exactly the same ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

♪Till further notice♪

♪ Till further notice

♪I'm in between♪

♪ I'm in between

♪From where I'm standing♪

♪ From where I'm standing

♪ My grass is green.

♪ Someone once told me the grass is much greener ♪

♪ On the other side.

Mmm...

Do you like this style

with the flowers in the hair?

Uh-huh.

Orion, this is important.

So is this.

I want everything to be perfect

for my mom's wedding,

perfect-- including my hair.

[with silly voice]: I'm thinking something

that sweeps the hair

off the shoulders...

sweep.

[giggling]

Would you cut it out?

Okay, I need to focus on this right now.

You should go.

Man, with all the planning

you're putting into this thing,

you'd thinkwewere getting married.

What's the big deal?

It was just a joke.

Not a very funny one, granted,

but a joke nonetheless.

I think he's frustrated

that I won't do the girlfriend-boyfriend thing.

I'm just not there yet.

I can't make any kind of commitment to him

other than, you know, splitting fries or something.

Splitting fries is good.

Hey, you have to start somewhere.

Why not with the fries?

Look, I couldn't be more excited for my mom, honest.

Falling head over heels in love

and making that lifelong commitment

is romantic and exciting and...

not for me.

So, what, now you're commitment-phobic?

Or philophobic-- the fear of falling in love?

Whoa...

Uh!

I'm not phobic, I'm just...

Ginger?

Originally, I was thinking "no train,"

but now I'm thinking "train."

Chugga-chugga.

It looks great, Mom.

Uh, do you like our dresses?

Are they what you imagined?

You three look great--

better than I imagined.

You sure?

Because you ordered lilac

and this feels more like lavender to me.

Whatever it is, it's gorgeous.

Because they are obligated to deliver lilac,

and if you had your heart set on lilac,

then what you should have is...

lilac.

I just want everything to be perfect, that's all.

And everything will be perfect, sweetie.

Even what's imperfect will be perfect.

I don't believe this--

she invited me.

So, how's it feel, Patterson?

How... how's what feel?

How's it feel to be moments away

from getting whupped on the court...

by a cheerleader?

Oh, you think so?

I think so.

Ah, you do, do you?

I do.

I do.

Uh... okay, you know, remember,

we're just heading down to the basketball court,

not the wedding aisle.

Let's keep it in perspective, shall we?

Placement is perfect, buddy.

Just perfect.

I am a professional, Carl.

Walk with me.

Let's be honest with ourselves, shall we?

She's not a looker, not big on space,

and she's a bit out of shape.

That's why I've asked a friend of mine

to come by and perform a pre-spec--

or, for the layman, a preliminary inspection.

Uh-huh.

MAN: Well, I'll be pork fried rice

at a kosher bar mitzvah--

the Foutley house.

Buzzy!

Buddy!

Buzz.

Budd.

Please meet my former protégé.

No need for introductions--

we're acquainted.

Whoo-hee!

My boys are going to spit salami

when I tell them about this.

How are those boys of yours?

Oh, Junior chipped a tooth on Junior Sr.'s skull bone,

and Rhesus took a fraction of his eye out

with a staple g*n.

Real messy.

Uh, too bad.

You mean you fellows know each other?

Know each other?!

I was darn close to being this boy's steppappy,

before his mom went kind of funny-fruity

and broke it off quick fast.

That's something else.

And now here you are inspecting her house

before she sells it, gets married and moves off

to live happily ever after with someone else.

Come again?

Yup, Mom's engaged, so the family's upgrading

to a bigger place.

[sighs]

Yeah, a doctor.

Well, hallelujah and hooray for horseradish.

I'll pass that on.

HOODSEY: Okay, check it.

I packed up all the files and bubble-wrapped the breakables.

Items needing to be refrigerated,

like the loogie collection, turkey spleen,

tainted tuna on rye--

they can all be found in the cooler.

We had a lot of good times in here, Hoods--

hatched many a scheme,

plotted many a downfall.

True that.

It's just that...

the idea of two other boys holed up in here,

or some lame old dog...

it just makes me nuts!

You're preaching to the choir here, Carl.

Now, let's tear her down

while we still have sunlight.

I built it...

so it's mine to destroy, right?

The choir, Carl.

[crunching]

[groans]

Don't look back, brother...

don't look back.

All at once heartbreaking and cathartic...

for as we well know,

if one holds on too tightly to the past,

there can truly be no embracing the future.

Hallelujah.

I'm thinking treetop clubhouse.

You know, flat-panel TV monitors,

vibrating massage chairs

in two-toned stain-resistant microfiber.

Sorry, boy.

I couldn't be more sorry.

[wood cracking]

[dog barking]

♪ There were days

♪ When our woven fingers would sway ♪

♪ Now your hands only push mine away ♪

♪ I won't keep you...

♪ Girl, slip away

♪ There were ways

♪ I would try to find one every day ♪

♪ But you couldn't hear what I had to say ♪

♪ I won't keep you

♪ Girl, slip away

♪ That's what you really want

♪ To fade into the grain of my mind ♪

♪ You're racing towards the finish line ♪

♪ I won't keep you.

MAN: Come on, Dave,

it's a long-standing tradition.

I couldn't, Ron, really, but thanks, though.

You don't have to-- we will.

[laughing] [laughing]

[laughing feebly]

Al's right-- bachelor parties are really

for us married men who don't get out much.

Yeah, remember the good old bachelor days?

Takeout straight from the container?

Falling asleep on the couch fully dressed...

Well, good-bye and good riddance,

if you ask me, but, uh...

well, that's just one man's opinion.

Spoken like a newlywed.

Yeah, get back to us

after you've been married a couple of decades.

Gentlemen, I can assure you of this--

decades from now I will be saying

exactly what I'm saying here today:

I love Lois.

Hey, then it's decided-- par-tay!

[men laughing]

I can't believe how many "beefs" we got.

Who knew?

There are invites unaccounted for.

I could assume the individuals are nonattendees,

but I think I'll place a call to each of them

and double-confirm their nonconfirm.

Hmm... the Pattersons haven't replied.

Boy, you're not messing around.

I just want everything to be absolutely perfect

for you, that's all.

Thanks, sweetie,

and I promise to reciprocate

when it's your turn to tie the knot.

Ha, don't hold your breath on that one, Ma.

What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing.

I mean... nothing.

Can we drop it?

No, we can't.

Mom, I don't want to get into this now.

This is your happy, special time.

Let's not ruin it with my...

Vow of eternal solitude?

I would characterize it more as a loss of faith

in the notion of commitment.

Really?

But not for you, Mom.

I love Dave, and I just know

you guys are going to be really happy together.

But...

But I'm just not sure

about the "till death do us part" bit.

I'm not being critical, but...

we have heard that before.

You're referring to your father, I assume.

Look, a "chicken"!

Ah, Ginger, please don't tell me

that you don't believe in commitment...

or true love-- not at your age.

You're too young to be jaded.

I know the Darren thing hurt pretty bad,

but you can't base your feelings

on that one experience.

Let's just drop it, okay?

Mrs. Dave called,

and she has a baker she'd really like you

to do a tasting with.

And we still have to decide

on a direction for the flowers, okay?

[sighs]

Okay.

[kisses]

Don't worry, Mom--

if two people can make it work, it's you and Dave.

I mean it.

That's not what I'm worried about.

The thing is, I want to go.

So go.

But I don't want to upset Simone.

So don't go.

Because she'll want to come with me.

So bring her.

But I don't think I should.

So don't.

But the question is,

why don't I want to bring her?

The question is,

how can you focus on such foolishness

without being blinded by your brother's bulging pecs?

Ah, Will...

I'm serious, kid.

Say my name.Will...

That's right, chief.

I can't help thinking

that Ginger sent this invitation

as an olive branch.

A what, what, what?

Well, you know, as an offering of peace.

Maybe she wants to make up or something.

What's the "or something"?

Is she trying to get back with you?

I don't know.

Is it possible?

What's the difference?

All you need to know is howyoufeel,

and if you're feeling Simone...

Yeah, but I'm not so sure.

There's some things I really like about Simone,

but I have to admit, there's things I miss about Ginger.

Ain't it a shame?

That's why you should do like me, brother--

play the field.

Life is too short

to sew beelines onto anybody's hide.

You follow?

[knocking]

Did you boys see an invitation to the Foutley wedding

floating around?

Ginger just called

wondering why we hadn't RSVP'd.

I told her I never got the invite.

She called?

Really?

What did she say?

Did she ask about me?

Okay, just tell me

the whole conversation word for word.

She said, "Are you all planning on attending my mother's wedding

or not?"

Now, did she sound like she wanted me to attend?

Puh-leeze!

[croaks]

[crickets chirping]

[buzzing]

[phone rings]

[spits]

Nikki LaPorte-- talk to me, lover bug.

MALE [on phone]: I got your number from the Silver Fox.

Hmm, proceed.

MALE [on phone]: Outside your trailer you will find a large manila envelope.

Manila? What the heck is manila?

I know vanilla-- that's a flavor of ice cream--

but manila?

MALE [on phone]: Manila hemp is a strong fiber

obtained from Filipino native abaca plant, Nikki.

It's used for making rope and paper and envelopes,

like the one outside your door.

Well, I'll be.

Therein you will find all the information

pertaining to this assignment.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, say, did you put any cash money in there?

Because I'm running a little low,

and some chump change would sure come in handy.

MALE [on phone]: % of the money can be found

in the envelope made of strong Filipino hemp,

and % will be paid upon completion of services.

This is a pressing matter, Ms. LaPorte.

Time is of the essence.

I'll leave right after I wax my legs.

Promise.

Well, hello there, handsome.

What kind of trouble have you gotten yourself into?

Always a bridesmaid.

Oh.

Hey, Miranda.

The whole school is buzzing

about the big wedding between your mother

and the illustrious Dr. Dave.

Really? No.

Don't you have someone else's nerves

to go get on?

Hardy-har-har, Foutley.

Laugh now while you can,

because the truth is, you're about to become a stepchild.

You know, like Cinderella, Snow White

and all the other tragic heroines.

What's your point, Miranda?

My point is, you should enjoy your mother while you can,

because once the ink is dry on the marriage certificate,

your evil stepparent is going to reign supreme.

[laughs nervously]

That's ridiculous.

Is it?

Tell that to Cinderella, Snow White, Miriam Bochelli.

Miriam Bochelli?

Our lockers are right next to each other.

Her mother just got remarried, and it's a bad sitch.

She's a junior.

Mark my words, Foutley.

Before long, your new daddy

will be taking over,

calling all the sh*ts,

and you and your slimy little brother

will be left in the dust.

[dramatic music plays]

It's comforting to know we'll be close to a cemetery.

Carl!

I-I merely appreciate its peacefulness, Lola.

Remember, I'm on the up-and-up.

Part of my current maturation.

In fact, I'd be happy to look over your escrow papers--

you know, to make sure there aren't any unnecessary costs

that Buddy might be trying to pass on to you.

How thoughtful, Carl.

They're in the purple folio.

I never believed that one day

we'd be living in the same neighborhood as the Griplings.

Me neither.

[laughs]

But let's face it:

The Foutleys are moving on up.

But you're not going to be a Foutley for much longer.

Mr. Carl Dave.

Hmm, I like its simplicity.

Sign me up.

But Dave's not our real father, Mom.

We're Foutleys.

Well, kids, say hello to your new home.

Wow...

CARL: This place has the Dave family written all over it.

[brakes squeal]

It's nearly :.

I was about to send out a search party.

You're all the lifesaver we need, Buddy.

Uh, although you may want

to send this escrow statement back

for a few revisions.

I believe your broker fee is fixed at six percent,

not eight.

I taught you well.

Ah, call it aptitude.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

my sister and I have to negotiate for our new bedrooms.

I'm not negotiating with you, Carl.

As the oldest, I get first dibs

on any bedroom I want.

Except for the one with the step-down Jacuzzi!

So, Lois, is it everything you dreamed of

and more?

Well, we're certainly biting off more

than I ever expected to pay for a house,

but, yes,

I think this is going to be

the best thing that ever happened

to my family.

[phone ringing]

[chanting]: You are an invitation to the Foutley wedding.

You are comprised of only paper and ink,

yet opening you creates a complex can of worms.

[ringing]

A... unanswered phone

which continues to ring.

Hmm, poignant metaphor or...

Cello.

Hi, Sussman Motor Park?

NOELLE [on phone]: Indirectly, yes.

I'm barreling toward Sheltered Shrubs as we speak.

I need to know if y'all can accommodate me and my Airstream.

Any space left?

We can accommodate you, Miss...

NIKKI [on phone]: LaPorte, Nikki LaPorte.

How long will you be in town for?

Oh, just long enough to bust up...

oh, I mean, rather, pop in on a old friend's wedding.

[screams]

[tires screech]

[crash]

[truck honking]

That poor old dog's gonna get himself k*lled.

NOELLE [on phone]: Ms. LaPorte?

Here, boy!

Ms. LaPorte?

Cedar-lined closet, copper plumbing--

wow, Mom and Dave went all out.

Are you a little freaked out about all this?

I would only freak if the plumbing was still lead pipe.

No, I mean about the whole marriage and everything.

How can you be so willing to change your name?

What if things don't work out between Mom and Dave

and we have to go through another divorce

and move again?

It's not like we'd have our old house to fall back on.

[creak]

Oh, impressive insulation job.

Are you even listening to me?

Unfortunately, yes.

You know, Ginger,

you could use a little more faith in Dave

and the notion of everlasting, all-eternal love.

Amen.

Why do I bother talking to you?

Why would I bother answering that?

Ooh-whee!

The cat just dragged in

one fine little chickie, boys.

I will whup you.

Nuh-uh...

[laughing dopily]

Settle down, you laughing snake.

Boys! Now, I want silence and I want eating

and I want it now.

Now, your pappy has to make a house call.

I want Dijon and relish.

JUNIOR: I want 'scuse-leaf paper.

JUNIOR, SR.: I wants positive reinforcement.

Uh-huh. Don't burn anything while I'm gone.

[loud knocking on door]

[sighs]

Go away.

BUZZ: Welcome Wagon!

Go away, I'm busy.

BUZZ: And I'm Buzzy,

but once you get to know me,

you can call me Sweet-Lovin' Pappy.

[dog whines]

[barks]

Oh, great.

You let my dog out.

Purdy little owner like you?

He'll come back.

What do you want?

Well, that all depends.

Why, that's Lois Foutley!

Oh...

I get ya.

Are you... Silver Fox?

WOMAN [on TV]: ♪Aloha♪

♪ Hawaii's where it's at

♪Aloha♪

♪ You'll never forget

♪ The sands, the sea, the lush scenery ♪

♪ Hawa...

No, no, no,

don't even think about cruise ships.

Nothing but floating vomitoriums.

Ew!

I appreciate the tip, Maryellen.

Hawaii sounds lovely.

Sure, it is.

And I suppose you're looking

for a honeymoon location

that's relaxing, comfortable, romantic.

How did you know?

What you want, my friend, is Omaha.

Nebraska?

That's the one!

In fact, there is a motor lodge I could book

with a -hour restaurant

that serves beer-battered grits.

Now, ain't that a kick in the head?

Oh, but, uh, what's in Omaha?

For starters, a -hour restaurant

that serves beer-battered grits.

And there's the world's longest yardstick,

and of course, the world's most sanitary reform school.

I see the uncertainty in your eyes.

I see that sweat on your brow,

the twitch in your upper facial area

and the lettuce

stuck in your teeth.

But I am a paid professional here.

So trust me.

I do! I really do.

Implicitly.

Sign us up.

Oh! Oh!

The suite with the heart-shaped coffee pot is available!

[gasps]

Well, uh,

I guess this must be my very lucky day.

WOMAN:Yoo-hoo!

Yoo-hoo!

[kissing]

Hey...

Out here...

[kissing]

[rapping on glass]

WOMAN:Yoo-hoo!

Oh... oh, excuse me a moment, Maryellen.

Go, go, go.

I have everything under control.

Do I know you?

Uh, David Dave, the, oh, so brave--

how could you forget?

I, uh... I don't know.

How?

It's me, you big silly!

Diane.

Diane Francis.

Diane Francis from, uh, premed.

Oh, we haven't seen each other in years.

Uh, I wouldn't recognize you.

Well, it's been over a decade, noodle nose.

People change.

Ooh, planning a vacation?

Oh, yeah, a honeymoon, in fact.

A honeymoon?!

I had no idea.

That's wonderful, Dave.

Congratulations.

[sobbing]

Diane, uh, no need to cry.

Lois and I are actually quite happy.

[sobbing]

I'm sure you are.

[blows nose]

I didn't mean to get you upset.

It's just I...

Silly me.

I... I held on to hope

that maybe we'd work things out after all.

You and your husband?

No, silly--

me and you.

Me and... me and you?!

Di... Diane, we dated, uh, years ago.

I... I didn't even remember your face.

[sobbing loudly]

But it's a pretty face,

don't get me wrong-- I assure you,

every bit as pretty as I would remember,

if indeed I could remember.

How about we go next door

and grab a cup of coffee?

You know, catch up.

GINGER: We each have our own bathrooms,

and you can see Courtney's house from my bedroom window.

Ooh... ooh, I just got goose bumps.

I won't have to share a toothbrush holder

with Carl ever again.

So, what's the bad part?

Dodie, Macie, do you think I'm unreasonably distrusting,

and maybe that's why I'm having a hard time

with this whole marriage thing and this whole Orion thing?

Well, you did have your heart broken once.

And you are a child of divorce.

Oh... oh, and remember when you sent away for a T-shirt

using the proof of purchase from your cereal box...

And the T-shirt never came.

That couldn't have helped.

No, I think your hesitation is perfectly natural.

Right, perfectly natural.

Totally justifiable.

So, what am I supposed to do about it?

This might be Daughter of the Shrinks talking,

but I'm thinking hair of the dog that bit you.

Right back on the horse.

Bull by the proverbial horns, if you're so inclined.

The thing is, Macie, I'm not sure that I am.

[laughing shrilly]

[laughing hysterically]

[sighs]

Yeah, those were good times.

I can't believe you can remember

all this stuff.

Oh, well, you're a hard man to forget, Dave Dave.

And that car of yours.

Are you still driving...

[static crackling]

the little...

[static crackling]

engine that could?

No, sadly I had to put her down.

But thanks for remembering.

Oh, I loved that car as much as you did.

After all, it drove us on our first date.

Our first date, right.

Uh, where was our first date?

Wow, it's as good as new.

You can't even see the teeth marks.

[camera focus whirring]

[gasps]

Will that be cash or charge?

Huh?

Oh, uh... uh, sorry.

[machine beeps]

CLERK: This one was declined.

Do you want to pay cash?

Uh, no, I have another.

Well, I really should run.

Lois and I have dinner plans.

Oh, but you can't leave so soon.

Oh, but I must.

We have reservations.

At least let me drive you back to your car.

Please!

Uh... no, that, uh, won't be necessary.

I'm only down the block.

It was very nice seeing you, though, Diane.

Oh, Dave.

[squeals]

Oh, my!

Ow, my ankle.

[chuckling]

That no-good, two-timing...

[machine beeps]

Uh, this one was declined, too.

[team grunts]

[girls cheering]

Hey, Trouble.

You looking for me?

Hey.

Heather told me she's having people over

to her house on Saturday after the game.

She wants to know if we'll come.

Well, I, uh... I'm sort of busy after the game.

But the whole team is going to be there.

Sorry, I, uh... I have this spinal condition

that needs, uh, adjusting,

or else I could wind up

with, you know... spineless.

I better hit the showers.

I'll call you tonight.

[girls laughing]

Uh, Simone, I know I said

I would deep-condition your pompons

before the half-time show on Saturday,

but I'm not going to be there.

I'm a member of Mrs. Foutley's wedding party!

You know, Ginger's mother.

Sure, yeah, no problem.

Sorry.

[TV blaring as boys scan channels]

Would you please turn down the volume

on that television?

My flan is going to fall.

But we're trying to watch TV.

Life is a compromise, Roberto.

You want flan,

there needs to be quiet.

Fine.

JoANN: Well, thank goodness

for small miracles.

I really want flan.

Have you ever thought

about putting her in yoga class,

as an exercise in, you know, relaxation?

You can't help but think she might benefit

from the downward-dog pose.

Tell me about it.

REPORTER [on TV]: Archie Chang outside the Gripling estate...

Hoods, turn it up.

Where business tycoon Prescott Gripling

is being taken into custody on charges of insider trading.

Gripling, a prominent Sheltered Shrubs figure,

claims he has been forced to liquidate all his assets

in an effort to bankroll

the mounting legal fees and penalties against him--

a multimillion-dollar feat, all in all.

I can't believe it.

Gripling is ruined.

And I have a really good feeling

in my stomach right now.

Look, there's Blake!

I've just spotted the Griplings' youngest child.

Blake, is it?

I have no comment.

What about your family's plans

to sell all of its belongings

in an upcoming estate sale?

Would you like to comment on what it feels like

to surrender so much of your life?

I still... have... my name-- Blake Sophela Gripling.

And I still have... this...

this bicycle!

[groaning]

[breathing heavily]

A sad coda to a once-proud family.

I'm Archie Chang.

Can you believe this?

No!

We're going to have a chance to buy

all of Blake's belongings... at cost!

JoANN: Oh, nice going, boys!

You flattened my flan!

Omaha?

Yeah.

In Nebraska?

You bet your pretty little head.

Why?

Uh, why what?

Why Omaha?

What's in Omaha?

Uh, well, the, uh... oh, the world's longest yardstick.

[sighs]

It doesn't matter where we go for our honeymoon,

so long as we're together.

Oh, good.

[sighs]

[thunder rumbling]

[music playing on TV]

WOMAN: ♪ How could you go and leave me here... ♪

♪ ♪

♪ To sink with all the rest?

♪ ♪

♪ How could you go and leave me behind ♪

♪ Baby, I'm not impressed.

♪ ♪

♪ I should have known you'd bail on me ♪

♪ Leave me adrift at sea...

♪ ♪

♪ To sink with all the broken hearts ♪

♪ And share their misery.

♪ ♪

GINGER: ♪ I'll never forget you leaving me ♪

♪ No matter how hard I try.

♪ ♪

♪ I won't forget how many times ♪

♪ You left here to cry.

♪ ♪

♪ Just keep going, don't look back ♪

♪ It's easier that way.

♪ ♪

♪ Forget all that we ever had

♪ I'm just your yesterday.

WOMAN: ♪ Hey, hey!

GINGER AND WOMAN: ♪ You bounced, you quit

♪ You walked away, that's it

♪ We're over, you split

♪ You walked away

♪ You bounced, that's it...

[song continues as phone rings]

[answering machine beeps]

LOIS [on machine]: We're not home, so please leave a message.

And if this is Benny from San Quentin,

Carl has no influence in securing your reprieve,

no matter what he told you.

And that's coming from me, his mother.

So please stop calling here so late.

[machine beeps]

ORION [through machine]: Hey, Ginger.

It's Orion.

Look, if you want me to do your hair for the wedding,

I need to know in advance.

I tend to get really booked up.

[laughs weakly]

Okay, kind of lame.

Um, but... but the guys want to know what the deal is.

Are you still expecting the band

to play at the wedding reception?

And I want to know what the deal is, too.

So call me back-- collect, if necessary.

[laughs quietly]

[machine beeps and clicks]

CARL: It's just that these guys

have come to depend on me, Lola.

I'm their moral compass.

It's not that I don't have sympathy

for the incarcerated, Carl.

Really, I do.

You just shouldn't be corresponding

with criminals-- period.

Does that include Mr. Gripling?

Well...

probably.

I'll go save our place in line at the register.

Oh... Jonas.

Uh...

Okay, so which one looks more realistic?

The African daisy or the bird of paradise?

Oh, I don't know, frankly.

They look equally... fake.

Yeah, to those with a keen eye.

But a sucker like me?

Easily fooled.

Yeah.

Uh... say, uh, Lois?

No, never mind.

I think I know what you're going to say,

and I know, it's a little strange

to be invited to your ex-wife's wedding.

But it sure would mean a lot to the kids

if you were there.

Oh, I'll be there.

And I... hope you and Dave are very happy.

[girl sobbing hysterically]

[tapping stall]

Courtney?

Is that you?

Everything all right?

No, Ginger!

Everything not all right.

Did you hear about Cherry?

Her locker's on the sixth floor.

She had her hair straightened!

I've been thinking of doing the same.

[sobbing]

But... Courtney, your hair is already straight.

[sniffling]

Oh... well, then it must be something else

that's upsetting me.

[sighs]

Do you want to talk, Courtney?

No, no, that's okay.

I'm fine.

[continues sobbing]

Are you sure nothing's bothering you?

[toilet flushing]

It's the money, Ginger!

Gone!

All of it!

We Griplings, who once had everything,

now have nothing.

Do you know how it feels to have nothing?

Kind of.

Oh, it's dreadful!

We've been reduced to eating in!

[sobbing]

Well, maybe you and your family

can look at this trying period

as a challenge, an adventure,

something that the four of you

will go through together

and perhaps come out stronger for at the end.

[weeping]

And maybe...

[sobbing]

I should follow my own good advice.

Hey, how's it going, Noelle?

Not bad.

My breathing's steady, my ch'i is flowing.

That my inflatable pollywog?

Uh, sorry, just something for a Nikki LaPorte.

Aah, the newbie.

Would you mind?

Not at all.

[ballpoint pen clicks]

See you Monday.

My work is never done.

[dog barks, Noelle gasps]

[gasps]

"Dr. Dave and the other woman"?!

Oh, how plainly labeled.

Methinks I smell a rat!

Orion!

Shh!

[whispering]: What's going on?

You tell me.

You're the one avoiding me.

I haven't been avoiding you, I've been avoiding... me.

Cryptic.

I'm sorry, Orion.

I guess I've been really preoccupied

with my mom's wedding

and getting ready for the move

and everything.

I bet.

So...

So...

Are we playing

the reception?

I don't think so.

It's too much for me to deal with right now.

That's cool.

So, I heard through the grapevine

that Darren was invited.

His whole family was invited.

They're our next-door neighbors.

That's the thing about next-door neighbors.

They're always right there, next door!

Shh!

So now that we know what Darren is, what am I?

I... don't know.

Don't go!

Shh!

Look--

I have a lot of mixed feelings about us.

I don't know if I'm ready

to be in another relationship.

I like you, Orion.

I like you a lot.

But I'm a little g*n-shy, you know?

I think it might be best

if we stopped hanging out for now--

until you figure out how I fit into your life.

What about the band?

[chuckles briefly]

"What about the band"?

CARL: Ah, how tragic that a man can tumble

so far from the lofty heights of privilege.

Yeah, but at these prices,

we can mop up every last spy gadget.

[toy bear squeaking]

Cheers, big ears.[shutter clicks]

Though I do feel a little guilty indulging.

Yeah, me, too.

Oh, look!

His baby bracelet!

It doesn't fit.

But you know,

with a wad of gum on the end,

I could use it to fish things out of the drain.

Think he'd mind?

Nah.

Gentlemen.

Noelle!

I haven't seen you since...

Please, let bygones be bygones.

I see you're not above benefiting

from Blakey boy's misfortunes.

I thank you for the invitation to your mother's wedding.

I won't be in attendance.

I'm in the wedding party-- I have to go.

Before you commit,

there's a piece of video footage

I think you should see, prenuptials.

You may draw your own conclusions.

Heaven knows I've drawn mine.

Oh, man!

DAVE: I feel a little guilty

going off for my bachelor party

and leaving you to taste cake

all by your lonesome, Lois.

Are you kidding?

Myrna wants me to sample all flavors of her cakes.

It's been so long since I've had sugar,

I might take off one of her arms getting to it.

Well, her arm, uh...

Oh.

[chuckling]

Ah. All righty,

I'll call you when I get home.

Have fun, but not too much fun.

Agreed.

Oh, Diane!

I can't believe it, Hoods.

Not so fast, Carl.

Who is that woman?

Nikki LaPorte, according to Noelle.

I don't believe Dave would do this.

Video doesn't lie, Hoods.

Well, maybe not, but why is there

a videotape of this in the first place?

Look, I'm the biggest Dr. Dave advocate

that you'll ever hope to know.

But the truth is right here

staring us in the face!

Before you go condemning your future father,

let's just try to determine who's behind the videotape.

Now, think, Carl,think.

Who would want to sabotage

your mom and Dr. Dave?

Jonas?

Possibly.

Buzz?

Likely.

Your mother?

Fair enough, Carl.

We should assume that anyone

who has a bone to pick with your mom

is guilty until proven innocent.

Back and forth, back and forth.

The story of my life.

What does that mean?

Nothing.

Got the invitation to the wedding.

Thanks for inviting me.

It was my mother's idea.

I know, I... but she must have asked if you wanted me there.

So?

You must have said you did.

Don't read too much into it, Darren.

Is there a reason you stopped by?

Just to RSVP.

Mmm.

Great.

Well, okay-- see you there.

We're moving, you know.

Someone else is going to be here,

living next door.

I know.

Until I heard you were moving,

I didn't realize how attached I was

to the idea of having you so close.

I'm not that close, Darren.

Not anymore.

I know, Ginger,

[voice cracking]: and I'm real sorry about that.

I couldn't be more sorry.

[lock clicking]

[whistles]

Impressive, brother.

Told you penpalling with an inmate

would be worth something-- besides good stories.

What a hole.

Let's be quick about this.

In and out-- nobody knows, nobody gets...

Body lice?

Yeah. Here's hoping.

I'll take the bedroom,

you take the living... portion.

Check. Leave no stone unturned.

Check.

Hey, Carl!

I think I just found some membrane!

You're barking up the wrong tree, boys.

[sniffing]

Curious.

Dirty dog stench

yet no dog in sight.

Instant coffee, nicotine chewing gum, support hose...

[gasps]

Beard and nose hair trimmer?

[trimmer buzzing]

"'The real' Diane Francis."

And who, then, are you, Nikki LaPorte?

[sharply]: Who, then, are you?

LOIS: I got to tell you, Myrna,

if heaven is half as sweet as your cakes,

I'll be one happy angel.

Well, if loving my cake is wrong,

you don't want to be right, honey!

Taste.

Oh, wow.

Oh, that's good.

But I got to tell you,

I think I'm still leaning

toward the pistachio sponge with raspberry filling.

Call me crazy.

You're crazy!

Give it another try,

and this time, really savor it.

Mmm.

Taste the marshmallow meringue.

It's just a thin layer.

Whoa.

I think I'm having a sugar rush.

Honey, it happens all the time

at these tastings.

I have a cot set up in the back.

Why don't you go and rest a spell, okay?

I think I might.

I can't imagine why I'm so...

Oh... [sighs deeply]

[car alarm arms]

[answering machine beeps]

DARREN [on machine]: Hi, uh, it's Darren... Patterson--

your neighbor... for a few more days.

Uh, anyway...

My mom wanted me to let you guys know

that we are a family of three beefs and one chicken,

and, uh, I bet... I bet you can guess who the chicken is.

Uh, bye.

GINGER: Dodie's wrong.

I'm not hung up on Darren.

I really do like Orion.

But I guess in some ways I'm the chicken, too--

too afraid to let go of the past,

too uncertain to trust the future.

And look at Mom.

[laughs self-deprecatingly]

She must have her own set of doubts, concerns,

but that doesn't stand in her way.

That settles it.

I'm having the beef!

CARL: Why would someone do that to a cantaloupe?

I know that investigation was disturbing, Carl,

but it was a necessary step

in our information- gathering process.

I guess.

But we don't know more than before,

except that Buzz has a fascination with Nikki LaPorte,

the girl in the pictures,

and that Nikki has a fascination with Dr. Dave,

the guy in the pictures.

This is it.

[rattles doorknob]

You know what's weird?

I've known you practically my whole life

and I've never been in your dad's apartment.

You want I should carry you across the threshold?

CARL: It wouldn't surprise me

if Jonas was somehow involved in all this.

[dog whimpers]

Oh, no!

[barking]

[groaning]

CARL: Relax, Hoods-- this is Ben.

[Ben barking excitedly]

HOODSEY: Stop it!

Stop it.

[barking]

You could at least buy me dinner or something.

Bingo-- what did I tell you?

This had Jonas written all over it.

Hold on a minute now, Carl.

Jonas is obviously involved somehow,

but Dr. Dave is still the man in those pictures.

What happened to not jumping to conclusions

about my future stepdad?

How about not jumping to conclusions about anyone?

[yells]

[barks]

Whose side are you on anyway?

I'm on your side.

But evidence is secondary to motive, Carl.

Evidence can be manufactured;

motive is usually pure.

Yeah, but look at this.

Dave's practically licking her tonsils.

Carl, I know it's hard,

but let's just hold off until we have all the facts.

[barking]

Stop it!

Thanks, Hoods.

You're the best friend a guy could have.

Right back at you, little buddy.

Don't call me that.

Wow-- that's what I call a ring!

Is that "kubrick zaconia"?

No, it just looks cheap.

Now let's snap some pictures of you looking surprised,

like you were just proposed to by my son.

Oh! A doctor's wife?

Excellent.

Yeah, nice.

[laughing]

Oh, beautiful.

Give me more surprise, honey.

Oh, Dave, how could I say no?

Perfect.

I am so touched by all your hard work

in preventing my son from making the biggest mistake of his life.

Thank you, Myrna.

Thank you, Maryellen.

Well, what about me?

I'm paying you-- I don't have to thank you.

[clarinet playing]

Thanks for agreeing to meet with me.

How can I be of service?

I caught Darren in a lie.

Really?

A dishonest diesel?

Decidedly, and I'm afraid it involves Ginger Foutley.

Why am I not surprised?

Go on.

Since you're an expert on both subjects...

Lying and Ginger?

Darren and Ginger.

Oh.

Maybe you could give me some advice.

Why don't you begin at the beginning?

When Clifford strayed-- and he did stray--

do you think Beth threw in the towel?

Well, do you?

She didn't, Carl.

She turned a blind eye to it all.

The infidelities in JoJo's romance novel

pale in comparison, Hoods.

I don't think I can let my mom go through with it.

Go through with what?

Ordering the beef.

Could be fatty.

The gristle might get on your dress.

[voice squeaks]: Go with the chicken.

Ugh, I don't even want to think about food right now.

Dr. Dave was the one who went out partying,

but I feel like I've got a hypoglycemic hangover.

Honestly, I don't even remember getting home last night.

[knock at door]

Good day, Mrs. Foutley.

Hello, Blake.

I presume you've been informed

of the... woeful misfortune to befall the Griplings' good name.

Actually, I had no idea.

Hi, Blakey boy.

We've been wondering about you.

Want to come inside and play with some of your toys?

We have them all.

[with false good cheer]: Yes.

LOIS: Excuse me, boys.

I... I got to go get a little more shut-eye.

Hold my calls, would you?

What can we do you for, Gripling?

Ah, funny you should ask.

Especially since we have

no real intention of delivering.

My family circumstances being what they are...

Broke.

Yes, yes, broke, as you put it--

we are in need of more modest accommodations.

Mama was wondering if, um... if you might come down

a wee bit from your asking price.

You want to live here?

Or perhaps one of those unconventional

lease-with-an-option- to-buy situations.

Work with us, Carl.

You've got to be kidding!

Heaven help me.

I only wish I were.

[sighs]

MINISTER: At which point I will ask

for the presentation of rings,

at which point the best man and the maid of honor

will step forward.

Then you two will return to your position

while these folks recite their wedding vows,

"If anyone here at can think of a reasony,

"why these two should not be married,

let him or her speak now or forever hold their peace."

Look how happy Mom looks.

J-Just look at her.

Well, she looks kind of greenish if you ask me.

Greenish with love, perhaps.

Case closed.

I'm going to make like Beth

and turn the other cheek in the name of true love.

But you said this didn't compare to Beth's situation.

I'm starting to agree with you, Carl.

I'm sorry, but I believe this to be

the path of least pain and heartache.

But... what if your mom is marrying

a two-timing, skirt-chasing psycho?

You boys should be seen, not heard.

Psycho, Carl!

[knock at door]

Come on in.

Hi-- still up?

Nah, I always sleep with my eyes open and a pen in hand.

What are you doing?

Oh, struggling through my wedding vows.

I know what I want to say, but it sounds so... corny.

You're the writer in the family.

Want to help?

All right.

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be up late at night

"with a pint of ice cream or some pork rinds on rice.

"If it wasn't for you, I'd be a cynic of love

"who never shared laughter or my dishwashing glove.

"If it wasn't for you and the comfort you bring,

"I wouldn't have had the faith

"to accept your wedding ring.

"If it wasn't for the way you filled my heart with glee,

if it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be me."

That was beautiful, Mom.

Really?

I'm not sure about the dishwashing glove.

I like it-- I mean it.

It's honest.

Don't change a word.

I got to tell you, Ginger-- some women wait their whole life

to experience the kind of security that true love brings.

I count myself lucky.

How do you know he's not the lucky one?

LOIS: Well, we both are.

In fact, we all are.

Mom?

How did you know that Dave was the genuine article?

You can't know those kinds of things.

You can only trust how you feel in your heart

and take a blind leap of faith.

You have to.

That's what life is all about.

You know, we're not put on this earth

to live perfect lives where we never get hurt

and we never make mistakes.

We're put here to hurl ourselves

head first into this crazy world.

And the bruises and scrapes you get along the way--

they just mean you're living life.

[they kiss]

Once again, thanks, Mom.

Hey, where are you going?

I'm going to live life and make that leap.

[phone line ringing]

Orion?

Hey, babe, it's me.

[organ music playing]

H-Hey, you guys.

Hi, everyone.

Darren.

What's up, man?

Let me know if my big head's blocking your view,

and I'll try to crouch down a little.

Sure thing.

With the bride or the groom?

I'm with Darren Patterson.

I'll find him myself.

You look ravishing, Granny, just ravishing.

May I call you Granny?

It's almost official.

Don't remind me.

Simone!

What are you doing here?

I'm your girlfriend.

Why wouldn't I be here?

[laughs nervously]

For a second there, you sounded like Miranda.

GINGER: Hi, Simone.

You look great.

I better take my place.

[kisses]

Oh, my gosh!

You're... you're...

With the groom.

Pardon.

[gulps]

Carl... Carl!

I need to speak with you right now, Carl.

Right now.

"Immediamente,"Carl.

Forget it, Hoodsey.

I'm not rocking the boat.

My mind is made up.

But, Carl, this is important.

I can't.

I have to walk Lois down the aisle.

[groans]

♪ We are painting a picture ♪

♪ As we stand side by side

♪ And welcoming a love

♪ Of a groom and of his bride

♪ Committed here forever

♪ Devoted all their days

♪ These two shall form a bond

♪ That shall never fade away

♪ Treasured love...

♪ Treasured love.

Oh, Mom, you look beautiful.

Really, Mrs. F.

Like a movie star.

Working the red carpet.

Thanks, girls.

You three look beautiful, too.

This is one of the happiest days of my life,

and having you girls here to share it means the world to me.

You two are like my adopted daughters, you know.

[they kiss]

I think I'm going to cry.

LOIS: Oh...

Well, maid of honor, what do you say?

Here comes the bride.

Well, Hoodsey, this is it.

You're telling me.

Oh, I couldn't be happier.

I love Lois and those kids.

Uh-huh.

Honestly, Robert Joseph,

you've only been in that suit one hour,

and already you look like you've run a marathon in it.

HOODSEY: I sweat a lot, okay?!

[organ music plays]

[camera shutter clicks]

Shall we?

[wedding march plays]

Who are they?

Benny and Mr. Gripling.

Hmm... I hope there's enough chicken.

She's here, Carl.

Who?

Nikki LaPorte.

And Jonas is sitting ten feet away.

MINISTER: Hear ye, hear ye.

We are gathered here today in a group.

If we was birds, we'd be a gaggle.

If we was bees, we'd be a swarm.

If we was cars, we'd be...

uh... we'd be a fleet.

[whispering]: If we were birds, we'd be a flock.

MINISTER: These two here folks love each other

as human beings tend to love.

If they was elk, we'd call that... love.

Well, actually, it would be called "elk love,"

but love nonetheless.

Oh, leave it to these nondenominational ceremonies.

He's up to something, Carl.

MINISTER: If anybody in this room

knows of a reason these two elk...

[chuckles]

I meanfolks should not be married,

let him or her speak now or forever hold their peace.

I do!

[all gasp]

I do,too!

Hoodsey!Robert Joseph!

I have good reason as well.

Huh? You do?

Dad!

What is going on here?

I love this man, and he loves me, too.

I can prove it.

[all murmuring in disbelief]

Di-Diane, what are you doing?

Diane? Diane?

That's my engagement ring.

You know her?

He knows her, all right.

I saw them having coffee together.

[all gasp]

Oh, give a break, people.

What's so intimate about coffee?

Coffee can be very intimate...

when it's served like this!

[all gasp]

[gasps]

Why does this not surprise me?

Why does she have my engagement ring?

I love you, Dave.

Oh, and you love me.

I'm stopping a marriage that should never be.

Hear! Hear!

Word to your mother!

I don't believe this.

Dave, who is this woman?

Uh... she's a... an old sweetheart, Lois...

uh, from my, uh... my college days.

Her name is, uh...

Nikki LaPorte.

No, Diane Francis.

No, her name is definitely Nikki LaPorte.

You keep quiet, you ugly little man.

You know her, too?

She's staying in the Sussman Motor Park.

I can vouch for that.

And her trailer is almost as "purdy" as she is.

Don't be ridiculous.

That woman is Diane Francis.

She and David used to date.

[wind blowing]

[creaking]

[rattling]

Yip!

Noelle!

You have all been cruelly deceived.

This is the real Diane Francis.

MACIE: What on earth...

Diane?

DIANE: David, is that you?

Could it be?

Oh, David, you haven't changed a bit.

I thought she was Diane.

Well, no wonder I didn't recognize you.

Uh, who are you?

Nikki LaPorte.

Duh!

NOELLE: Further deception.

She's...

[squealing]

A brunette.

[crowd gasps]

Whoo-hoo!

I knew it!

I love me my brunette.

No, she's...

Nicholas LaPorte.

[with masculine voice]: Give that back.

[crowd gasps]

You knew about this

and you weren't going to tell me?

I knew abouther;

I never knew abouthim!

Neither did I.

Why on earth would you want to ruin our wedding?

How should I know?

Ask her.

Oh!

Oh, no, it's not me.

Don't look at me.

Ask her.

Your mother asked us to help.

Sure, blame it on your poor incontinent mother.

Mother?

You were all... in on this?

[sighs]

Lois!

[all gasp]

Mom!

Old Wrinkle Throat had everyone

in cahoots.

Cahoots!

Shame on you, Mother. Shame!

It was for your own good, David.

DAVE: How could you do this?

You've ruined the most important day of my... of our life.

And nothing-- I repeat this, Mother--

nothing will ever fix this.

Aah, you're just like your father--

so melodramatic.

Come on, girls.

Monster?

Hoods, look, it's Monster!

[barking]

MOTHER: My hip!

Holy cow!

CARL: Come here, boy.

[giggling]

My puppy, you came back.

Your puppy?

That's right-- my puppy.

But I'm the one who raised him

and fed him.

And b*rned all those ticks off him.

Well, I rescued him from the side of the road.

[coughing]

Okay, stop, stop.

Somebody please tell me

this is a protein- induced nightmare.

The nightmare is over, my dear.

Mom, are you okay?

Oh, I think so...

except I sort of smell like kibble.

Lois, forgive me... for all of this.

Let's not let my mother

and her network of silver-haired villains ruin this special day.

I love you with all of my being.

I would never let a Diane or a Nikki

or a Nicholas ever come between us.

Yeah? What about your mother?

Lois, nothing can undo my love for you.

You and your children are all that I ever need in this world.

Marry me, Lois.

Oh, Dave.

[sighs]

Oh, Ginger.

BRANDON: ♪ Committed here forever

♪ Devoted all their days

♪ These two shall form a bond

♪ That shall never fade away

♪ Treasured love...

♪ Treasured love.

GROWN GINGER: "Whenever I've been afraid to make that leap,

"I've thought back to that moment

"when it seemed like my mom's entire world fell apart

"and yet she was still convinced

of her love for my soon-to-be dad."

[wedding guests clapping]

"Time gives your life a unique perspective as you get older.

"You see that the challenges that once seemed so scary

"when you were young

"really weren't that scary at all.

"Looking back, you're glad you took the risks.

"Like my mother said,

"'If you don't get a few bruises and scrapes along the way,

"then you're not living.'

"And if time teaches us anything in this crazy world,

it's that nothing worth having ever comes easy."

Thank you.