01x05 - You Bet Your Life

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

big brainstorm last night new york

cleared out all the humidity but i scare

you reed well as a matter of fact

uh gilman and i and joanna what can i

say

you're the luckiest man in show business

ah

get my r*fle it's a moose

nice to see you too close your row bal

that reminds me i have to buy raisins

okay okay you know the rules if you guys

are gonna fight no eye gouging no

spitting and no defiling the loser's

corpse

i didn't come here to fight you know

this weekend is our wedding anniversary

i was so close my corn said rain

you know when you lost all our money and

you left me sitting homeless in the

gutter on that little golf chair

somehow you never found the time to

cancel the reservation we made for

atlantic city they just sent me the

confirmation

oh

i get it

you want to spend our anniversary

together

every once in a while you need a booster

sh*t from big al

all right

i'll take you to atlantic city you think

i would go to atlantic city with you i

would rather be dragged naked behind a

car while chewing on aluminum foil

okay i'll get the car

i only came to give you this i'm going

away for the weekend now to miami

our singles weekend for seniors how can

you go away and pick up guys on our

anniversary

with a song in my heart

and a Kn*fe in my back

look al i'd love to go away with you but

i have to get on with my life

you know i'm no spring chicken no

kidding that chicken's broken through

the bucket and is dripping mashed

potatoes all over the floor

um he doesn't mean that he's just

lashing out because he's hurt

stephen you say you can't talk to the

man 43 years the man never listened to

me once i am gonna find someone who

listens al that's why i'm going to miami

for a little action oh geez talk about

your bae of peace

goodbye steven

i'm sorry al maybe you'll find somebody

new too

somebody who'll take my place

somebody who's more loving and caring

and gentle

hey get your cat off the roof of my car

you little rack bastard

[Music]

okay pop we're all checked in give me

some money

why wha what happened to the money you

brought i crapped out

how could you have the time i

it took me like 90 seconds to register i

used the express check-in i was up for a

while and the dice turned against me i

don't know i'm not giving you any more

money

okay i guess there's other things to do

in this town besides gambling oh yeah oh

there's the ocean we can go climbing

i'm talking about women

oh i'm not giving you money for that

either

ladies you pick up in bars come on you

and me on the town

ladies watch out

well i'm sure that they would all

appreciate that warning but come on

let's just go see a show you know they

have these orangutans that imitate the

andrew sisters nah that would only

remind me of your mother only she can't

sing

let's get someone huh no dad i can't

pick up women with you you're my father

it's not natural a lot of good things in

life aren't

i need a drink first

the last time i tried this i had a

uniform and a g*n

and it really helped me

excuse me bartender i'm picking up women

with my father what goes well with that

[Applause]

excuse me i'm gonna die if i don't get a

drink pat

give me a pink squirrel

with or without the tail

[Music]

well

it's my birthday

the squirrel's on

me thanks but you don't have to do that

oh you can get the next round it's my

anniversary ah

[Laughter]

congratulations

may december huh

boy do you have the wrong calendar he's

my father

you want to see

where's mom hitting the slots

no miami chasing a carrot around the

track

[Laughter]

we're separated no kidding

i'm alone too

and it's only been three months and

already she's looking for someone else

she works fast

i bet you were married a long time yeah

we were gonna die together

we have plots side by side

but now i'm gonna have to put a dance

floor on top of hers

[Music]

but there's something really special

about a guy with charm and class like

you al

yeah yeah you're right

pull my finger

that's again

that's probably how uh prince rainier

got grace kelly huh

here's another one

two jews a catholic and an arab walk

into a bar and the bartender says hey

get the hell out of here

oh

that's a good one that's our goal with

that but no maybe we should think about

turning in because we got to get it very

early tomorrow for that breakfast buffet

yeah you want to be wide awake to create

your own

omelette and that and i here are having

a good time really well if you haven't

noticed i'm not i mean these keno

crayons only come in one color

what are you doodling there whoa

is that what i think it is

you little pervert

hey hey you can't draw a picture like

that in front of a lady yeah there's

sketches of your heads

don't you have anything else to do what

it's not like i have construction paper

and paste here

well let's think

here we are in a casino

how about gambling

no i never learned how i always find

that i could lose vicariously through

you

why don't you play the slot machines

no i i don't like pulling anything

that's not attached to my body

okay okay i can take a hint if you can

take a hint you would have been out of

here two hours ago

oh boy see the deal is showing a 10

got a 13.

i don't know i guess i could you know

take another car but i might go bust huh

and again if i

don't take a card i can still lose

anyway right

do something anything

i want to say hit me

go ahead

i i'm sorry really for you know holding

up the game but this is a very tough

decision for me you're only betting two

bucks yeah i know but if i do it right i

could double it

all right hit me

now i have 14. yeah

all right uh i'll stand

dealer has 20.

what else is new

i guess you can tell this is my first

time gambling huh

yeah thanks for being so gentle yeah you

might be a lot happier playing the slots

no no i have a problem with those

machines i don't want to get into

you know the only reason i'm here in

atlantic city is because of my father

and he ditched me for some woman named

annette

annette

nice looking dark hair about five foot

three

drinks pink squirrels oh forget about it

like she's storing her for the winter

that's her all right yeah

uh-oh

uh-oh

what oh

hey wait i saw the crying game it's one

of those kind of oh

annette's boyfriend is jonio jonio

he's a local businessman

i once saw him break somebody's hand

just for touching his car

uh-oh

[Music]

[Music]

me al you're k*lling me

okay dad i got to talk to you i'm

dancing not now oh good your legs

haven't been broken yet

no my legs are fine every part of my

body's fine don't get lost

your father's gonna wear me out with all

this energy he's like that little rabbit

that just keeps going and going and

going

i don't want to hear any rabbit like

things my father might be doing this is

pop i got to talk to you now

look if you two guys need to talk go

ahead

i got to use the john anyway be right

back

the john your mother calls it the can

[Music]

that's a lot and adelaide causes the

couch

what's the difference we got to get out

of here you got to dump this a net no

way she said she might come up to my

room

why

because she has never seen shared

carpeting what do you think why look

forget this annette she's got a

boyfriend his name is johnny o and he's

very dangerous where's her boyfriend i

don't see no boyfriend

gentlemen are you enjoying the hotel

oh hey yes we are thank you very very

much

[Laughter]

how long you plan on staying in our city

what are you taking a survey look at

this i'm talking to the world trade

center what

oh i'm sorry am i talking too fast for

you

i said i'm talking to them

don't be rude please he's originally

from new york hey so am i the bronx and

you know what they always say in the

bronx

you stay away from other guys

girlfriends hey that's good advice in

any borough

fred and bonnie what are you talking

about

what friends are jonio

johnny-o any relation to spaghetti-o

knock it off don't upset him look

pal if you're smart you and your little

buddy here are gonna get out of town in

10 minutes you got it yeah yeah we got

it and with all due respect i think that

you know 10 minutes is a very liberal

amount of time to you know to flee a

city in fact i think we can actually you

know get out of town in eight seven

maybe you know behind the light swing

[Music]

good

i hope you're coming to the baptism it's

going to mean a lot to maria

come on let's get out of here

and by the way

you're starting the car

why did you change your clothes

you know i like to get dressed up most

of the time you don't like to zip up

what's going on

i called annette from the bathroom

we're going out she's got tickets to

frank sinatra

excuse me did you forget the name oh

because i can't seem to get him out of

my mind jonio doesn't scare me

i saw your mother get a bikini wax once

there's a big difference jonio i think

kills people i don't think mom did who

knows what your mother did when she went

out

all i know is i'm taking a net out that

guy doesn't own her

how do you know he could have won her in

a poker game before we know you know

along with some cement blocks and jimmy

hop his ski jacket

why are you even risking your life over

this woman i have nothing else in my

life your mother walked out and called

me dirt

now i found a girl that doesn't think

i'm dirt

she thinks i'm positively absolutely

adorable

her words

for someone like that i don't want to

let go

oh that's the bellhop

now look that i'm sure there's going to

be women out there that will find you

positively adorable you know i'm sure a

lot of them won't have psychotic

boyfriends either

ah

i'm thinking that you're not the bellhop

nothing gets past you

[Music]

i'm johnny l

oh mr jonio heard a lot about you all

good

ohio

it's funny

i never heard that one before go ahead

make the spaghetti-o joke

you must be al

my two friends said they had a little

discussion with you

a short discussion that they had to get

back to jurassic park before bed check

i suppose that would be funny if i'd

seen the movie

the boys told me you didn't take them

too seriously

seriously oh they learned the word

seriously

my hat's off to you now that you're

walking upright

listen shinehead

i'd like it if you take me seriously

i like it a lot

well why don't you get yourself a real

last name

what's with johnny o i think i'm talking

to a breakfast cereal

leave alone my will's in the safe

deposit box and i left everything in

your brother's name but that doesn't

mean i don't love you

are you all right yeah yeah yeah yeah

oh

by the way i'm i'm a hemophiliac

listen smart guy and i'm only gonna say

this once stay away from my net you got

that stay away from my net that's two

times

he's staying away

what in there i don't even know who

you're talking about

oh look it's an

air yeah and she's all dressed up

you got an explanation if you need a

good one it'll take a little time

while he's gathering his thoughts why

don't you tell me what you're doing here

al and i are going out we're seeing

frank sinatra yeah it's not as bad as it

sounds it's frank sinatra jr

i'm gonna b*at the hell out of you fat

boy

johnny you leave fat boy alone annette

i'm working here

i don't care why are you gonna hit him

cause he was nice to me yeah because he

thought he could make a fool out of me

you are a fool

even though today's my birthday

today yeah

yeah

uh yes

and for your present i'm gonna get your

card and cut his eyes out

give me a present you get me every year

man give me a little advice

oh well women like it when you're a

little more creative

thank you anne landers

look here's the plan don't say anything

what is it with you you only pay

attention to me when you think i'm

interested in someone else

hold that thought

before you do anything uh i want to say

a few words all right

i really don't think that you're uh

hearing a net why don't you just stay

out of this big head

no no no no it's okay i'm i'm a

psychologist

with all due respect and that maybe i'm

wrong but i i have a feeling that you

think that jonio is uh taking you for

granted am i right right that's what i

keep trying to tell him a big jerk yeah

well i'm tired of hearing it and i'm

tired of you going out with other guys

well it has nothing to do with other

guys really i mean take a look at my

father i mean you find him attractive i

mean huh do you

well let me just save everyone a lot of

time there's absolutely nothing

attractive about him

hey i'm not a couch i have feelings

you just be quiet i'm trying to save

your life

i agree with your son i don't know what

in that season you

no no it has nothing to do with with

with other men i i think that annette

just goes out with men to try to get

attention really i in fact it has

nothing to do with my father i mean i

mean you could k*ll him and nothing

would change oh it changed for me

no no no no really i i think you're

gonna have this problem for the rest of

your life unless you start treating a

net you know a little differently

you hear that he's a professional and he

thinks you're taking me for granted too

you stupid jerk johnny i am tired of

living like this are you gonna get help

can we discuss this later baby

no we're gonna discuss it now

i'm not living like this anymore now are

you gonna do this therapy or what yeah

all right shut up already we'll go

stop thinking time

hey

doc huh maybe we could go to you you got

a lot on the ball oh no i think i know

i'm gonna take a little time off until i

uh regain some control of my bladder

you know what cupcake i know a therapist

who owes me a favor maybe we can go talk

to him after they take the wires off his

jaw johnny i'm so proud of you

you're showing growth yeah yeah i'm a

damn treat

let's go celebrate your birthday michael

sonny go find me a cake

now spell my name right this time

don't get the round one with the fruit

in it that's called a pie

caulville will be good

[Music]

thanks doc

and al

i'm glad i met you you're a really great

guy you're a fantastic lady ah

some lucky girl's gonna come along and

scoop you up really yeah

really

got any phone numbers

come on annette i'm paying attention to

you here meet me halfway for god takes

you pain in the ass

oh yeah johnny

by the way huh

if i don't like this therapy stuff i'll

hunt you down you won't even see me

coming

all right mr oh you you got to give

counseling a fair chance really you

measure progress in decades

oh

you know how close we came to going home

and those pegs i brought here for our

dirty underwear

steve you really handled that great that

psychology crap paid off

it really means a lot to me

i think

look i'm really sorry that they ended up

like this

i really want you to have a decent

anniversary you know without mom hey it

was the best ever i spent time with a

woman that i was attracted to oh come on

you don't mean that

no i don't but when i speak to your

mother i won't mean it then either

come on as we finish off this very

special day hey

now that nobody wants to k*ll us

what do you say we go down to the lounge

and catch the show no i was down there i

saw the comic i hate him i mean all he

does is insult the audience

really

you know

i don't like that kind of humor either

what the hell yeah come on

[Music]

hey now that's an attractive woman oh no

no not again it can't hurt to talk

[Applause]

stay away from my wife

[Laughter]

[Applause]

[Music]

ira here mistress of the dark and

sometimes surfer bath because coors

light is the official beer of halloween

and the party's at the beach malibu

beach where you can hang pen

look frankie in the net

and of course when it's time to chill

just reach for that cooler of course

life aged ice cold never frozen stiff

it's the right beer now for halloween

just look for the silver b*llet smooth

display and dig up your friends now for

a party at the beach happy halloween

dude

no no it has nothing to do with you

frank this is you're not even in this

you're just gonna stand on the side i'm

just gonna throw the camera on you and

hope the goddess people don't remember

[Laughter]

jesus what you do for your friends

charlie

that chicken's broken through the bucket

and dripped mashed potatoes all over the

floor

what the hell are you laughing at i'm

acting for christ's sake

you like the show get a seat

to your people this is rachel

hey vince you know it's a joke baby you

know that as far as i'm concerned

marrying the family

[Music]