01x07 - Mount St. Helen's

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

i look stupid daddy i'll cut the

complete idiot oh come on it's for the

play

really and besides you're lucky my

mother used to dress me like this for no

reason whatsoever

what are you supposed to be danny that

thing growing on your grandmother's neck

he's a parrot dad that's his costume for

tonight's variety show

why isn't his mother sewing that's a

girl's job yeah well his mother's in

france right now giving new meaning to

the words lucky pierre

besides come on man's jaw woman's job

you know what's the difference i'm

trying to teach danny that we're all

created equal but never take a shower

with will chamberlain danny

you know i really don't have time for

that today i'm not kidding dad that's

your uncle larry he's gonna drive you to

school go upstairs get your backpack

and don't ever correct me in front of my

son again whatever you say betsy ross

hey larry hi guys look at you

well what are you bench pressing now

about 260.

why don't you put ropes on their pants

and let them float down fifth avenue

larry

you're reading danny's launch larry

larry do something

jeremy jackson jordy put danny's lunch

down

uh it's okay stephen i'll buy danny's

lunch

oh look here's my ticket for the variety

show tonight huh i don't think she's

going yeah

she'd rather sit home with her robe open

going

i wonder who's on matlock

hey dad are you sure you want to go

tonight i mean you never used to go to

these shows when we were kids well dad

came to my shows you did

hey give me that

i'll take my friend pete peters just

don't say anything about his prostate

operation he doesn't want anybody to

know he had one i didn't know he had a

prostate operation that's what

everybody's saying

maybe yeah we should wait till i talk to

ma trust me stephen she's not going she

has a date tonight

i mean a date a date and like a date

date yeah fourth one this week

gee

it's not even a month she sure didn't

waste any time

not really

i'm not making this up who is it that

irish guy from from the shell station

i don't know who it is ask her

let's go kids come on hey look at danny

don't get any wrong ideas that's not a

real carrot remember oh yeah like it

would matter

hey pop come on

please you know how larry exaggerates he

was talking about dating he wasn't

talking like a kind of man-woman thing

there's probably like you know traveling

past or there's like one person can call

an ambulance sort of thing you know

is that right come on dad you all right

yeah yeah

i was just thinking how

hilarious kids look so much like your

mother

poor little guys

[Music]

you had a session with my mother

yes you aren't the only one in your

family with problems well hey no kidding

my aunt natalie twice a year goes up on

her roof with a bb g*n in the tinfoil

hats

but you didn't mention ever walking in

on me and tommy o'brien when we were 13

in the basement didn't you

it has nothing to do with you

oh then it's probably about all these

dates she's been having i can't discuss

this with you stephen haven't you ever

heard of doctor patient confidentiality

oh what patient come on she's uh excused

expression my mother

i'm not gonna talk about this with you

stop acting like a jerk you're acting

like a jerk

all right maybe i am i'm acting like a

jerk i'm sorry maybe you're right

perhaps i was like you know possessed by

some

pre-cinderfella jerry lewis thing for a

while you know

what did she say come on please tell me

i wouldn't even know she's my mother for

crying out loud she's the only woman

that ever saw me naked without quite

frankly mocking me

trying to tell me what is it what's

wrong i'm telling you myself

i think i'm a nymphomaniac

down here well i want to sit down who is

he

i met him at the senior community center

swim-a-thon

god i really don't want to know this

go on

he's the lifeguard there a lifeguard

you mean this man actually saw you in a

bathing suit yes stephen that bastard

and you mean like he used like

with all due respect like breath strokes

oh god and i only used that euphemism

to further my own revulsion

well then why do you think you're a

nephromaniac because i've started having

these thoughts dirty filthy thoughts

that i never had before it's like

i'm exploding

maybe your girl's a little tight huh

are you eating dairy again no

i think i'm having a sexual awakening oh

my please i thank you with all due

respect i think you should you know just

go back to sleep

and i say that with the utmost vial

coming up into my throat just with the

thought of all of this steven oh

don't be alarmed mrs mitchell a lot of

men have trouble thinking of their

mothers as anything but virgins

i hate to have to tell you this stephen

but i'm not a virgin

i mean i know you're not i mean i know i

wasn't you know born in a petri dish but

come on with all due respect this isn't

a little soon after leaving dad to go

check out other men's speedos maybe

i i don't know i'm so scared in 43 years

the only man that i have ever been with

in that special way it's your father

and all all my lady friends have heard

rumors that this man is like a machine

what about dad

oh well he's like a machine too

do you remember that old dishwasher that

we threw out because

it leaked whenever we turned it on

i'm losing consciousness now i'm not

kidding the tumors are growing they're

growing and mom i don't know what to say

to you except we really have a big

problem here we

this doesn't concern you steven she's

right stephen i'd say you're the one

with the problem here

well i'd say you're going a little over

the line here too counselor i'm sorry

but you're acting like an insensitive

jackass and i mean that in a buddy love

nutty professor sort of nice well i got

news for you i don't think i have a

problem here i mean i can handle this

i'm a professional and i happen to be a

big

adult

and mom look i'm sorry i mean you're

right i mean it's you know it's your

life and it's you know pardon my

language your body and uh no one has the

right to tell you what to do with it and

certainly not me you mean that stephen

absolutely i think you should just go

for it and hurrah you know

but seriously i i i think you know

whatever you decide to do i

i think you should be sensible about it

to yourself and fair and it should act

out of you know

i don't know

love and respect and not

you know vengeance or pain and and and

most of all i think you should be very

responsible oh i love you

oh i love you too

now i have to excuse myself

he took that much better than i thought

he would of course he's a very good

doctor

which is surprising to me because uh we

always thought he wouldn't amount to

much

he had a very big head when he was

little

42 years we were married pete

and just like that

one bump in the road and bam

she leaves me

yeah i know

at least my wife had the decency to just

die

not one of those long lingering deaths

either

one minute she was alive and then boom

dead

yeah

you were lucky

don't i know it

life sucks

i know that's why i drink

hey how you doing everybody

how are you sweetest

why have you heard something

no

so

your mother's a nymphomaniac

huh you that your mother's best friend

vern james is white fern told pete she's

not a nephromaniac mr peters he's a

lifeguard steven

your mother's dating a lifeguard

now that's a pretty picture who would

have thought it

nobody did you ever see her in a bathing

suit the guy must be blind

i hear he's a machine too

yeah when i'm finished with them there

won't be a scrap left

i have to rash dad please i mean i know

you're going through a very difficult

time

a lifeguard

what could she be doing with a lifeguard

she must lay on the bed and he must jump

off the dresser with a with an inner

tube on his ass

wait i know what you're going through oh

you know what i'm going through do you

yes i do

you hear him pete i hear him al i hear

him too hey great that means i have to

bring any miracle ears to the plate and

i

tell me something were you married to

your mother 42 years were you huh uh

yeah once in a very bad dream during the

uh swine flu epidemic

then you don't know what i'm going

through at all do you hey listen dad i

had a wife leave me too oh so that's my

fault huh i didn't say that

i'm ready

oh let's go tiger wait i'm not finished

talking you're always talking am i right

pete you're right al

listen dad um

mom might bring that friend of hers

tonight at the place so if you really

don't want to you know the lifeguard uh

yeah

she wouldn't dare

look dad this is gonna be very hard for

the both of us and we might have to

accept the fact that mom is living in a

different place

i'm going to my grandson's play are you

coming or not

is it gonna be any trouble huh

stephen have i ever embarrassed you

before

yes you are

these seats are hot

pete

take the keys out of your pocket

my boy's dancing is solo tonight

oh how proud you must be is that your

son yes

god bless you young man

kid doesn't have a chance

oh dig up stephen and larry where

jeez lady cross your legs for god's sake

hey

the kids are so excited back there

hey larry where's your wife

backstage helping the other fathers move

scenery

over there stephen

is that your mother

no that's the janitor you're sure

she's got the same pantsuit

you know if you're not gonna behave

yourself tonight wait wait the show's

ready to start

[Applause]

welcome to a night of a hundred songs

here at william brewster elementary um

we've decided to expand this year's show

uh making it just a bit longer than last

year oh god oh and she brought him oh

with my luck a tomahawk m*ssile won't

hit this place

hello ow

i didn't know you'd be here

never mind me what's the lifeguard doing

here ringing my bell out

he's not strong enough to move that

clapper

you know if i'm not mistaken i think my

sphincter just relaxed

lucky bastard

shush yourself if they're shushing us

everyone well then why don't we just

follow this simple shirsh rule huh

i'd like to introduce my new gentleman

friend robert lifeguard huh how'd you

get the job work yourself up from cabana

boy

funny guy you got to really forgive my

father he's a uh

idiot savant i think tonight he might

have misplaced his savant huh

[Music]

don't just sit there larry let us in i

know where to go you said you weren't

coming there aren't any more seats tell

them to move these are our seats we'll

see about that

what are you doing

i'll tell you what 200 bucks i'll take

your seats huh no way my son's in this

show i saw the kid take the 200.

the show's starting to just sit down

over here

tonight's program will begin

with the preschoolers

singing the classic joy to the world

[Music]

jeez

look at those fat kids

[Music]

those are my grandkids pete

i'm not i'm sorry

you're sorry

[Music]

they're real good they're naturals look

they're they're dancing

these vibrations are k*lling me

move your head those are my grandkids

robin you sure know how to pick them

i'll make you feel at home fella mrs

fishbaum no peeing in the pool

ah the theater

look at you

pete peters this is the best you could

do for a date

he made a pass at me at one of our

barbecues did he ever tell you that

what

hey it happened after my operation i'll

i didn't know what i was doing

he stopped my date she's my date oh

she's not your date oh my god people are

looking what is the matter with you he's

jealous

look everybody he is challenged

it's all about my revenge well what if

it is look at him he hates to see me

happy

i hate to see you at all

i am not the innocent little girl you

married al i'm a sexual woman and as

soon as i am ready i'm gonna be having

my very own

now why orgasm you just say the little

axe i think the little deaf kid up in

special ed missed a few words

i'm trying in my life i'm discovering my

body yeah how many moons did you find

you guys you are worse than you are

together you're like i don't know

yugoslavia

all right give it up for the

preschoolers

look it's danny i'm out the funny hop

[Music]

he's so adorable

yeah he's the best one up there

danny

hi danny

hi so cute look just like his mother

though huh oh he looks nothing like that

woman

he looks like you yeah

you think so

hi danny

hi danny

look helen he's waving back to us

he adores you

gee

who are you and what have you done with

my parents

we made beautiful grandchildren didn't

we out we sure did helen

hi danny

which one's danny again i'm a little

buzzed

he's so talented

yeah he's the best

look helen he even has your eyes

before they got soaked in gin

he was good wasn't he robert this is

very good i'm gonna go backstage and sam

yeah i'd better go back and see my boys

before the other kids start teasing them

don't do when those kids cry the car

fills up with water let's go pete helen

you go ahead i think it's better if

danny sees his grandparents

together oh thank you robert

i'm sorry about that barbecue incident

helen

when you bent over that watermelon those

stretchy pants pete

come on now

danny is waiting

him

that's the man this is the man making

all the noise let's go pal what are you

talking about let's escort him out of

the building

[Music]

so proud of you danny huh i just wish i

could have videotaped your song it's too

bad grandma's big behind broke dad's

camera

don't worry al i sketched most of it on

this cocktail napkin

listen danny why don't you run upstairs

and get ready for better be right and

tell your story

tell them the one about the evil

grandmother with the big fat behind

good one al

i love that kid who says you can't do

anything right i don't know

who

want to play some jig romeo sure

wait a second dad

isn't there anything you want to say

about tonight

i mean isn't anything bothering you

gnawing at you i don't know eating away

at your very heart and soul

oh yeah thanks for buying me the orange

aid no no no

don't you want to talk about mom and the

guy

no why should i well it could make you

feel better i mean don't you want to

scream or i don't know

hit somebody or something no

i wouldn't mind screaming

that's very nice mr peters don't you

want to go in the kitchen for a minute

not really

listen dad

you know when my wife left me

i was confused i was angry i was hurt

you have mental problems

you know when he was a kid he used to

dress up in his mother's house coat and

play in the yard so did i

i think i'm just trying to help you here

well stop it it's really annoying fine

have it your way really

i mean you know if i'm gonna b*at my

head against the wall i'd rather go

upstairs and do it alone in my room

don't go blind up there

he's a good kid he tries real hard it's

a pain in the ass when they do that

isn't it how you know it pete

helen's out in the world again

my helen

i'll never forget when i first met her

i walked into the bar

and she was laying face down in the

sawdust

it was love at first sight

don't worry al nothing's gonna happen

between helen and that lifeguard

how do you know

cause when he wasn't looking i stole his

insulin good one peter

[Music]

so why do you think you're uh

that's the manga

she's not a nephromaniac mr peters

she's a fat old lady

she's not a nymphomaniac mr peters

how do you know you pain in the ass you

don't know

oh

look stephen is that you

look steven is that your mother over

there

look stephen is that an old pain in the

ass over there

[Music]

okay i'll be happy sure what do you got

on your mind

i got a career this video is important

oh and she brought him

never mind me what's the lifeguard doing

here

ringing my bell out he's not strong

enough to move that clanker

he's not strong enough to move that

clapper

[Applause]

if i'm not mistaken i think my sphincter

just relax

shut up this isn't a test

you