01x08 - The Tortoise and the Scare

[bunniefuu]

[Music]

[Applause]

hi lisa

so any messages uh let's see your

ex-wife called she's working a little

late tonight so she's gonna have to meet

you at the restaurant oh really

no no no it's not what you think i'm not

trying to get back with her i always

said if she wanted to get me back she

would have to beg

or at the very least return my phone

calls

you miss her don't you yeah i'm sure i

miss her i mean it's not fun putting my

dad's underwear

you know you never told me how did you

meet pam

oh wow that was uh

way back when i was doing psychiatric

work for the police department

and they get this call about a jumper

okay so i go to the building i see this

guy on the 22nd floor on the ledge and i

keep thinking don't jump

don't jump right and i race up there and

i'm still thinking don't jump don't jump

and i get on the ledge and all i keep

saying to myself is don't jump don't

jump don't jump and then what happened

they jumped

but you know i really think i was

getting through to him because he

started flapping on his way down

wait a minute

did he die oh yeah

like i think they had to pick him up

with the uh i don't know the uh spatula

of life

but you know the good thing is about a

week later

i'm in this diner and i see pam and i

ask her out

so what's it have to do with your jumper

story uh nothing i made that part up

i just like to see people's faces when i

get to the spatula part

now danny you've gone to the bathroom

right

good because we don't want any turtle

soup do we

how do i look grandpa some pearls and

you look just like your grandma

that's your father he's a psychologist

what's the matter you catch yourself in

your zipper

no

i am seeing pam tonight it doesn't

matter i can feel no pain

hey leonardo i got a big surprise for

you

what your bed isn't made you better go

up there and make it before grandpa and

mr peters take you to your party go on

good job steven you got to be firm

otherwise they'll never learn thank you

dr seuss

by the way your bed's not made either i

know i was going to but i had to come

downstairs and sit on the couch

so how do i look you look great

when's the funeral

dad come on you know i'm taking pam out

for dinner tonight huh oh yeah pam's the

one that dumped you please she didn't

dump me

at the end i think it was a mutual dump

i gotta tell you the truth you're really

heading for a bad fall and i don't want

to see you get hurt huh this from a man

who for my 10th birthday put an old

refrigerator out in the backyard and

wrote the word fort on it

[Music]

hey excuse me for being nice

howdy

well holy moly if it isn't sheriff

peter's fastest g*n in the west don't i

wish that vasectomy in 79 was a k*ller

nice hot text thanks where's your

costume al

i don't believe in wearing costumes i

got my dignity

they cut mine out

dad look there's a silver dollar under

my pillow really well then what does

that teach you that your dad rewards

laziness

just like welfare right danny

hey

cool costume mr peters thanks danny uh

i'm an indian why are you dressed like a

cowboy i'm undercover

then how do we know you're an indian

he's drunk

oh oh doesn't that maybe mean like he's

uh an irishman no if you're an irishman

he'd be singing

i give up look i got to go danny have a

great time at your party tonight

remember coming back here at nine

o'clock and don't forget mommy and i are

taking you trick-or-treating on sunday

so i don't eat too much candy

look that uh everything is packed i

think his jeans are the uh and the dryer

i know right and and pam and i will be

uh in the dryer i know i know i don't

know

listen we'll be back here at nine

o'clock

oh and i left the uh the phone number

for the restaurant in uh on the

refrigerator in the kitchen so uh so

good

[Music]

luck stephen i didn't know this is going

to be such a romantic place

oh really is it i hadn't noticed ah

and this must be a beautiful pamela

[Music]

[Applause]

[Music]

that was some party owl yeah look at him

he's all conked out from all that

excitement

boy

you're getting heavy i know al it's

those damn pretzels

it was fun though huh pete those kids

were cute and the mothers weren't half

bad yeah and those costumes were great

did you see that one mother dressed as

death

there was nobody dressed as death

oh jeez i got to take my pill

it's been a while since i uh got a gal's

number

thanks pete that i'm a widower line

worked like a charm

but did you see what our friend

did to my camera

well i'm going in the garage and see if

i can fix this

shoe number one

shoe number two

what nice little feet

now

let's see that nice little

head oh my god

[Applause]

[Music]

yeah i miss it too

and it was really lonely out there

without my best friend

hasn't been easy

oh excuse me uh

a rose for the lady get your hands off

these these are mine

this reminds me of our first date yeah

but then uh you were the one saying

these are mine

and you were the one saying i claimed

these for the king of spain

he did have a cute flag though

he had to shame to touch the ground we

had to burn it

oh god i haven't laughed this much since

i know let me guess uh since the last

time you were in bed with me right

[Laughter]

no nothing could top that

have a toast okay

you know it's been a really difficult

couple of months for both of us but i

really believe down deep it's uh been a

good thing

sort of a cleansing if you will because

now we're here stephen no hold on honey

let me just

like two ships returning to their port

of call

they're reunited

and they sail forever stephen i'm

jumping ship

look i i hope i didn't mislead you but i

came here to talk about danny land ho

you thought this was about you and me

no no not at all

yes you did

as soon as i saw this restaurant i

should have guessed oh please what are

you crazy i come to places like this all

the time and in fact with you know with

people that don't even mean anything to

me i brought my accountant here of

course you know had i asked the

violinist to play uh three coins the

fountain

[Music]

i'm sorry but i'm worried about danny i

mean let's face it on the weeks when you

have him al is basically taking my place

yeah well he doesn't exactly borrow my

razor to shave his legs

but you know he might one day if he has

like a big swim meet

i'm serious here look you know i love

your father but i'm not really sure i

want him as a role model for danny hey

come on please pam i mean look you

raised me and i might turned out okay

well maybe that's a bad example

you know look at my brother

i forget about him too

but look danny is really all right with

that you really ought to see them

together i'm not kidding he's he's

really great with children

oh my god what have i done mommy not

even close

don't be afraid i'm not gonna hurt you

i'm danny mitchell's granddad

oh speaking of danny still must be at

school

that's a very busy street you don't want

to end up like ben vereen do you

oh don't do that

listen little guy

what's your name

douglas

douglas i'm not gonna hurt you

i'm not that strange bad person your

mother warned you about everything's

gonna be fine hey al i got it fixed

let's make a flick

[Music]

look all i'm saying is last week danny

told me your father's three pollocks in

a bordello joke

steven he even did the faces

really even the bread guy from krakow

the one with the bent

okay i'll talk to him

but i want you to know something you

know for every ethnic joke that my

father makes i hold like a little

impromptu history lesson for danny in

this case it included you know a whole

tribute to elect valessa complete with

slides and a guest speaker and a little

kibasa

i knew you'd work a sausage into the

conversation

look i know you can't help it that your

father lives with you now so how about

if danny spends more time at my house

what do you mean

well you can have him on weekends or

every other thursday or i don't know

whenever your father's out

clubbing seals

no no we said 50 50. well i know but i

but nothing pam really i mean come on i

mean danny needs to see both of us all

right and besides that has really

changed i mean he's great with danny i

mean it's really quite moving douglas

i'm sorry

you're scared but you better believe me

i wouldn't scare you douglas i'm not a

bad man i really mean it i'll be very

nice douglas please oh douglas

you move so fast for a turtle oh

i guess it's my time to take a nap so

you can win the race i want to go home

what do you mean go home you don't even

know your own phone number let me take

you back to school no

oh please i got to find danny no

talk to me

oh thank god

danny you okay

good you'll be back with grandpa in no

time

uh put your teacher on

yes he's here

please hurry

douglas

your dad's on his way

by the way

is he a big guy

oh my god huh you brought home the wrong

kid

welcome back pete

who is it

dan hepland

no it's not being heckling it's steven

oh damn these cataracts he'll k*ll me he

he'll never understand it's over it's

over

douglas listen you got to do me a favor

put this on here put this on and

whatever you do don't take it off don't

take it off no matter what happens

there's a milkshake in it for you

all right guys

hey there he is

so can i find your party

yes we did

we all did uh where's pam but she

started to get gas so does everyone like

your costume

no

well it was a very common costume

stephen very calm

oh

hey come on why don't you give your dad

a big turtle hug oh so that's your game

is it buddy i'm not nervous

leave him alone stephen what well he's

got a very bad cold and and i don't want

you to catch it

oh when did he catch a call here buddy

let me let me let me show you ahead

[Applause]

well

look how flushed his cheeks are

i better get a doctor

dad

calm down i can explain everything

where's danny uh uh uh hey hey he's not

here

not here

i i i kind of lost him you lost him well

he didn't really lose him stephen he

sort of uh misplaced him but don't worry

the real danny is on his way back

you know that's what pam was just

talking about i spent two hours telling

her you don't do things like this

stephen you had to be there there was

turtles everywhere

it was like the galapagos islands

yeah it was this this one little turtle

popped down right next to me and took a

nap and i assumed it was danny oh you

assumed huh you assumed you know what's

wrong with you you know what happens

when you assume sure

you end up pulling the plug when all she

really wanted was a glass of water

look it was a mistake you know i i can't

believe this you know first you bring

home

douglas

hiya douglas

and then you try to hide this for me i

mean you think i wouldn't notice this

huh well hey let's face it you're not

the smartest guy on this earth

i hope that's danny

it's either pam or max von sydow

we're dead quick pete turn out the

lights what

what are you doing

if we keep quiet maybe she'll go away

stephen

danny

hello

hey i saw the lights go out

stephen

you stole pam hello

uh wait a second it's uh it's dark

damn

why were the lights out

oh uh i was uh i was resetting the

breaker you know dad the veteran you

know every time he hears like a car

alarm he thinks boom air raid you know

what can you do

is uh danny ready i really want to b*at

the traffic

is he ready oh yeah of course he's ready

i mean he's not he's not ready ready i

mean he's not like walk out the door

already he's more like i'll be ready in

a couple minutes but first you know i

want to you know comb my hair brush my

teeth and maybe

compose a compelling haiku ready

boy remember this couch huh yeah yeah

look there's that strawberry stain from

the time we rented nine and a half weeks

oh wow look at this there's that butter

stay when we rented that marlon brando

movie

what was the name of that again

guys and doll

i tell you something

you really really look great oh steven

please what danny honey i'm waiting

downstairs uh listen uh pam i uh

i have something to tell you what

i have lupus

what i mean uh uh i mean i have uh peter

lupus coming over for dinner

you stop huh where is danny huh what i

want to see him no no wait i wouldn't go

up there i don't think dad flushed

where the hell is my son

here he is cute as a button oh

whoa danny let me look at your costume

what's that you'd like another milkshake

you know he really he really spoils that

kid hi mom hi danny

wait a minute

what the hell is going on here

oh you're really gonna laugh when you

hear this yeah i'm hoping

uh dad uh you wanna come out here please

and uh bring your little friend with you

huh

uh no

your other little friend

are they dating

hey grandpa

you were the funnest guy at the party

except for rusty the janitor he could

take his eye out

hi douglas what are you doing here i

don't know ask him

listen danny why don't you take uh

douglas upstairs

well gotta go

got another party to cover

excuse me i have a souffle in the oven

well

you want to tell me what's going on what

no it was nothing really i mean

apparently you know dad took danny to

his uh party and uh somehow he managed

to i don't know he brought him the wrong

kid he's crazy

you're joking right no no i wouldn't

joke about this i mean you know true i

would kid you about your sister-in-law

the produce man but never by danny

stephen i knew it this is exactly what

i've been talking about i mean it's not

safe for danny to be around your father

i mean for god's sakes he lost him oh

come pam please this is like one of

those like hideous little accidents that

happened you know like our trip to

mexico remember

i mean who knew that in spanish uh which

way to cancun and i want your sister

sounded so

would like stop making stupid jokes i'm

serious but pam you know we both want

what's best for danny and what's best

for danny is to have a father as well as

a mother yes well i'm still not sure

your father is the right kind of mother

i will talk about this next week

danny come on we're leaving

pam i'm really sorry i'm sorry i messed

up come on danny

uh pam you got the wrong leonardo

hello

yeah uh don't worry it happens to the

best of us i'm sorry al you're very good

with danny i guess i'm just a little

overprotective

don't worry you're just being a good

mother

thanks

we'll see you guys on sunday

bye douglas are you gonna be here when i

get back

i don't know that's your grandpa

dad

love you

whoa that was close huh i told you she'd

understand why does he get to leave

you know who that is don't you douglas

hi hiya i uh think you have my son oh

yes we do we're sorry about the mix-up

it's okay

say goodbye to the nice men

okay all right bye-bye goodbye and don't

forget to write okay

[Music]

hey this isn't my son

[Applause]

[Music]

can you stephen it was an absolute

mistake and i got no idea what the hell

i'm talking about right now stephen

no absolutely no idea and get rid of

that stupid outfit

don't you know what happens when you

assume

sure

you end up pulling out the plug when

all she wanted was a glass of water

[Applause]

you got a minute

hello and all she wanted was a

a glass of water

will hold me damn

but you know what happens when you

assume

sure

you end up pulling the

[Applause]

i'll tell you one thing you're never

gonna run my

uh say goodbye wreckage the nice man

[Music]

are we still rolling

[Music]

uh

[Music]