01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

previously on slap maxwell nelson do you

mean you're gonna replace slap with

somebody out of a folder

somebody we don't even know kitty nolan

long time slap

nelson doesn't think slap's coming back

what do you think dutch

have you heard anything from him not a

peep come on

got a lot of catching up to do i won't

be coming back

who the hell are you i'm your new sports

writer

harper call me lou

here we go

take a look here

so this is it huh the american dream

the joy of inhaling a quart and a half

of kitchen sludge

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beauty of stuffing dead grass into a

hefty bag

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the thrill of obliterating your thumb

with a three-pound claw hammer

yep this is it all right

okay let's see what we got now

average american everyday hero against

the drain pipe that's what we're talking

about here

okay honey and let's see uh

give that a try

okay all right let's progress

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oh

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i think they knew they couldn't escape

hell they were smack in the middle of

n*zi germany

are you kidding they could have gotten

out anytime they want to do even if

schultz knew there was an escape he

wouldn't say anything

and that other guy what's his name that

colonel clink that man was an idiot

good morning folks i'd like to say a few

words here you know it's the same thing

with genie she couldn't have come out of

that bottle anytime she wanted she to

turn into smoke

hey i'm talking over here thank you

now i'd like to have a word with you

folks about a couple of things

now i know we've all had our share of

problems

but if we're going to talk about that

piece on the pedestal case i can assure

you nelson i double checked the spelling

myself

and it was a-okay it doesn't matter

lloyd yeah nice work lloyd

pedersen was sentenced to lice in prison

for pre-medicated murmur

anyway as you all know we've had some

tough times of late

circulation's been off fortunes look

grim

but today i am proud to announce that

we're going to be looking at a whole new

ball of beans

a fresh start for the old rag let me

officially introduce you to our new

sports writer

our new ace in the race

lou ladies and gentlemen

lou harper thanks nelson

i guess i'm supposed to say a few things

about myself well i'm not much for

tooting my own horn so

i'll keep it short and sweet i was

raised

in a small town middle of the missouri

corn belt but i'm not saying how long

ago

and i remember one summer evening

sitting on my grand daddy's lap

looking out over an endless sea of rich

green

corn st*lks they stretched as far as the

eye could see

and granddaddy asked me what i want to

do when i grew up and i said

granddaddy i'm gonna leave all this

and do something to help my fellow man

and he smiled and said why'd you decide

that

and i said because i'm sick of all this

corn

well i guess that's about it unless uh

anybody has any questions

yeah who's gonna take the playoffs this

year which ones

take your pick hockey i think the flyers

ought to bury edmonton

too much dissension even with gretzky

basketball

i wish i could tell you it'd be michael

jordan and the bulls but they're still

one power forward shorts so i'm afraid

we're stuck with the lakers one more

year but watch out for seattle

any other questions good

okay everybody let's get to it back to

work

thank you all really

man oh man sharp ass two tacks stuck in

a duck

judy you want to scrape up some of that

old maxwell stuff so that lou there

knows the kind of stuff we don't want

excuse me um miss

mrs ms harper um you're charlie aren't

you

that's right ma'am charles wilson and i

just want you to know that if you need

any assistance at all i'm available

you could help me clear everything out

of this alcove

i can't do that this is mr maxwell's

stuff and he's not here

well that's the idea isn't it but if he

should come back and see his desk

empty i'm almost certain something bad

would happen to me personally

we'll start with the top drawer

here why don't you grab some of those

photographs off the wall and put them in

here you mean the one of the 49

longhorns and ted williams

yeah well um they they sort of can't be

moved they they sort of belong there on

the wall

mr maxwell he um

there they're yours take them home

charlie i think we should just put these

in storage

it's dirty isn't it you know i get the

feeling

that i'm dismantling some kind of shrine

you're mr maxwell must have been well

liked around here

well liked well i liked him

just to name one person and a lot of

people who didn't know him personally

they liked him

and those who didn't like him well they

certainly noticed him

here nelson said you might need these

thanks

and for what it's worth appreciate your

help

you know a lot of people wouldn't even

offer first day on a job new faces new

town

well if there's anything else i can do

uh my desk is right over there miss

wilson aren't these the earrings used to

wear

no but they were right there thanks

charlie

ah he fixed them slapp was

uh good with tools

sorry took so long honey thank you the

guy had trouble making change

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have been chewing gum at the same time

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thank you

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sorry about this darn car top too

no corn dog no in the bag no

no that's the apropos

well they have little ordinance in this

town against our incompetent people

all right slap there's another bag of

fries i can fill up on those

you ever get tired of this honey living

here in

mayberry rfd look slap if you want to go

we'll go

just like that on you go sure i don't

want to stay if you don't you just pick

up and leave you don't want to argue

about what i like it and you don't

well let's let's argue about something

else

why well because i feel like arguing

okay i think it's good for us to argue

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okay okay

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see honey you can't even argue about

arguing

slap well no i say let's argue and you

just say okay

and you don't even want to argue now

you're getting me confused i just want

you to tell me just i don't want to

argue that's the way you feel

say it i did

that's good that's good now that's a

start

looks like if you want to go home we'll

go home

i want to watch the movie then hush

why that's right this one's a talk

damn fine writing no punches pulled

sharp images clear crisp solid writing

i get the feeling you're gonna say butt

the slap maxwell stuff

sort of sweeping under the sofa don't

you think he deserted you

and this paper this town remember

this makes it sound like he's dead as

far as his paper's concerned

he is it's time for a new

voice a new style real sports journalism

not just a string of clever homilies one

man's scant view of the sports world

slap sh*ts what's about slap maxwell

though harper on sports is about sports

i don't know just doesn't feel right

i mean i know the man annoyed the

whiskers off everybody especially me

still i was his best friend this is

business

and you know as well as i do you can't

base business solely on friendship

i don't know i just want to be sure i'm

keeping the worms off the sidewalk

you know what i mean absolutely spoon in

the kettle you don't get b*rned

you're right you're absolutely right

so we running

we run

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a and e will be right back with daphne

coleman in slap maxwell

fans please mr garfield welcome to

embassy suites hotel

my room here you get a suite for about

the price of a room at most marriotts or

hyatt's beautiful

don't change your thing the living room

sir love what you've done with this room

the bedroom this is great i need my

space

and of course you'll want to take

advantage of embassy suites free

breakfast food

served every morning at embassy suites

you don't have to be a fat cat to enjoy

the sweet life

i resemble that remark

and michael wanted a family i spent two

weeks out of the month whacked out on

fertility dr*gs two weeks of depressed

it didn't work

lucy and sam were having one you don't

think i'd let you give my baby to just

anyone do you

they started out strangers they became

immediate family

who are you the parents ms moore's

parents the baby's parents

glenn close james woods mary stuart

masterson

kevin dillon immediate family rated

pg-13

starts friday october 27th

this isn't my regular raisin bran this

is raisin nut bran

this raisin is covered with nuts well

that makes this a

raisin nut this raisin nut brand is nice

this is better this is terrific

this is wonderful this is mine

so is this raisin that bran one bowl and

you'll be ours

it can be violent and unforgiving yet

its muddy waters nourish china's vast

inland empire

along its fertile banks blossoms an

ancient civilization known

simply as the yellow river and witness

the four seasons through the eyes of

china's peasant farmers

in a land of incomparable beauty and

harsh realities

here life is not a fight for democracy

but a struggle for survival in a red

dynasty

as china the winds of change continues

monday on a e a and b stage presents a

spectacular evening of opera

luciano pavarotti stars in the world

television premiere of

la thursday

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

maxwell

don't worry about threading a sprinkler

no no no i'll i'll just hang it over a

radiator

right in the sprinkler

oh boy

oh honey i'm sorry

look i've i know i shouldn't yell at the

news

i promise i'll never yell at him again

okay just uh just

no what is it then

kid found out he has a malignant tumor

kip and he just got married to brittany

a month ago

oh you're soap opera you're sitting here

crying over a soap opera

will you finish feeding your four

minutes i'll make

some coffee okay

i mean anybody but kevin had such a

great future

okay here goes nothing

what is this nuclear waste slap

you had a burr under your saddle all

morning is there something you want to

talk about

no honey not really i mean it's just

your life i mean is this what it's come

to

ryan's hope taking care of this little

rugrat

i mean i know there's the hospital and

all that but

you see honey okay we're trying to have

a little conversation look i like being

a nurse

i like working at the hospital i know it

isn't big but it means a lot to me

i know thank you

i see that's my point i mean you're a

nurse

you can work in any town you want to why

not pick one that has a

an actual stoplight

you're going to leave aren't you that's

what this is all about

i just want to go to a town where most

of the adults

are literate he loved it last week the

simplicity you said it was real

i know this is true but i've got to hear

car horns again okay

any idea where you'll be going both of

us you're coming with me i have my

family's here my whole life is here

honey we'll take a photograph album with

us but let's go let's just get in the

car and go

north to chicago maybe over to seattle

we're down to california l.a ellie has a

paper that i happen to know

needs a little help i i don't know

katie do you love me

let's do it right now i mean right this

instant let's just pack and leave

what about the baby i'll leave her my

mastercard

hey please just a little joke i will

wait till her mom get somewhere but i

want you to see me in my natural

environment

tracking down a lead ruffling a few

feathers pounding out my column

under the crunch of a deadline i mean

i've got to have that

well i have to wait after my shift i

mean i i

i just can't leave them hanging you know

no no notice jakes i'll meet you

jake's at four o'clock all right oh it's

a little early

4 15. okay 4 15. great

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nelson got you delivering papers now no

just thought you might want to look it

over

blue harper on sports didn't i meet him

yeah only he's a she oh yeah it's all

coming back to me now i did meet the she

from mike schmidt poking a hole in the

sky with another home run to dan marino

ignoring his rabbit's knees to fling

spears into his mammoth oppressors

these are moments to treasure and i will

treasure them with you

she has a certain style doesn't she i

mean she does an out and out stink

is that what you were hoping

i'll give you a view through beveled

glass no bowel colored

tint on this writer's lens just sports

plain and simple

i think she's good huh hark's back to

another era

chris box poets not to mention the fact

that she's nice

i like her dutch she puts you in the

quandary

quandary speaking i just keep wondering

how he'd feel

about this if he knew no way he could

know unless the ledger's got nationwide

circulation

you're probably right and there's

probably not even one person who'd

know where he is to tell him

but since we're already theorizing who

do you think that one person would be

theoretically in this whole town

who would slap maxwell confide in

hard to actually say about something

like that

well i'd better get back up there

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not that there's much to get back up to

it's real quiet up there smooth no bumps

nobody to stir things up

uh about your theory

maybe i'll ask around maybe you will

tell them dutchman will your pigs don't

sweat tell them

i believe we had the same discussion

about a week ago howard

looked it up in fact pigs don't sweat

can't no sweat glands okay but they

stutter

i know that yeah yeah

wet one

excuse me just clock running

is this is this clock a little fast yeah

exactly 12 hours fast

american indian right not usually noted

for their humor

hey are you sure that guy that comes in

here once in a while kitty nolan

yeah you didn't see her in here earlier

did you i'm a little late

no you you originally come from around

this area

you met kitty in high school back in the

1800s

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yeah what are you the uh village

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historian

you know her pretty well do you well is

anybody i guess

she's not usually late is she unless

she's got something

she has to do or there's something she

don't want to say

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i got me a fresh blueberry pie back

there

real flaky crust

no thanks pal

can't you make the music be sure

you could tell time

but there is

she'll make it one for my baby

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[Applause]

good morning

man i have to look a long time to find a

site more pitiful than this

hey cinderella what are you doing here

just passing through the general

metropolitan area when i happened to

cross that

sorry excuse of yours for a car it's

passing through

matter of fact it's quite a story yeah

i got this friend owns a single engine

crop duster

he's headed this way so i thought i'd

take me a leisurely airplane ride what

do we have here

nothing much ah small town newspaper

making a comeback

ah lou harper on sports kind of cocky

for a new kid what's he about a year and

a half out of college

pale jock china's hand at a typewriter

right ah details stepped on the issue of

his general gender

and as i understand it he's generally a

she not a heat

a woman let me guess about 210 pounds

butch haircut just knocked the hell out

of you if you open the door for her

right

the readers are writing in what the hell

do they know oh he's got to be desperate

times for old nelson right oh

boy okay

your little ploy worked i hear you

they're calling me back when i hear a

cry like that

a plenty of cry it's just not in my

blood to

let that go unanswered so

all i need is a bone boot to change at

let's go

ah you know dutch you let something like

this go you'll be seeing full page

spreads on color coordinated uniforms

hair care for the serious athlete as

some folks say this lou hopper filled

the shoes you left

behind not a chance dutchman

ah so why didn't you just phone i kind

of wanted to see that silly looking

mustache that

receding hairline smell that smelly

cigar in person

you miss me is that it that and you got

about a 400

tab running at the restroom shitty

looking huh

pretty much out of style mostly

you could shave it thereby leaving the

alternative which is worse

a woman huh

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a and d we'll be right back with slap

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maxwell

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uh

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you