i just uh call them like i see them
taking this a little hard aren't you ref
oh
now i might be wrong i i could be wrong
but i'm
i'm a reporter so yeah sports and i have
pretty good instincts about things like
this
i'm telling you man-to-man these boys
don't look like high schoolers to me
maybe it's steroids i you know i know
that's a dirty word but
how about the reverend father maybe he's
looking for a little championship
of the cook food tastes a little weird
you guys lately
a little strange i think it's something
you have to be careful about
something worth looking into if you need
a little advice call me okay the ledger
maxwell's a name slap maxwell
oh i gotta go see well one of the things
sister
you're not gonna be able to hide behind
that mustache forever
[Music]
so
[Music]
something i should know
hey jude you want to play handball and
join the gym
what is it musk we're wearing today
don't distract me this involves the
entire alphabet i have to focus did you
know the scent of musk is extracted from
crushed deer glands
nelson wants to see you in his office
bambi d*ed so that you could bribe men
of the princess that's the ugliest tie
i've ever seen
well let's uh let's talk about the other
night see nelson
to me that was uh not bad nonetheless
get your hand off my hip
what are you thinking about right now
how they crush deer glands
you think they just stomp on them
what's that kid doing over my desk ask
him
you know you got a nasty bandage on your
nose i don't know
you got to see the other guy
hey charlie sir
thank you
mr uh maxwell you're probably wondering
what i'm doing here
no not really but you're gonna ask me
about it aren't you
would you like me to ask you charlie
well i'd be curious if it were my desk
and probably pretty upset and i know
you've got a terrible temper but about
all i'm doing is following orders and
let me interrupt for one second okay
uh-huh uh
charlie you know uh you know who i am
around here right
yes sir you're slap maxwell author of
slap sh*ts best sports column in this
town
while you are meaningless an office boy
a peon
exactly but if you feel that you have to
empty my desk into that cardboard box
i'm not gonna stand in your way you're
not no
matter of fact i'm gonna take a little
stroll over there and you just go on
about your business
okay thank you sir
you're the greatest one in a million oh
uh just make sure that when i get back
everything's right back exactly where
you found it
back in the desk yeah oh you can handle
that can't you
but mr kruger said that i think kruger
is a crowd he's the boss sir he's a n*zi
don't ever trust a man with a glass eye
i don't have a glass eye damn it how
come it's fogging up
i know i got hit by a nun nelson you had
to be there okay
i don't believe it well i i was i was
shocked to think that not even the roman
catholic church is exempt from that kind
of
random v*olence i wasn't talking about
the roman catholic church damn it
i was talking about this sports column
that's a good column no i see prizes
there pulitzer prize nobel
maybe both you remember the little chat
we had
the other day about not getting me in
this newspaper into hot water
the upshot of which was slap maxwell is
no longer writing sports
sp i thought you said torts
i said sports are you sure because if
you said torch
torch is a legal thing this won't wash
nelson i'm a sports writer not at this
newspaper not anymore
the other day when we talked we both
said some things that we didn't really
mean
i meant every word i myself was
uncharacteristically upset i have to
hell i got on a bus i was leaving town
but i like you nelson i i couldn't let
you do that
do what eat crow slap the nickels are
out of the bank
what the dog's in the water nelson i
swear to god if you don't learn how to
speak english
i'm hiring someone else who
i don't know i'm looking the donkey's in
the cabinet
charlie have you ever eaten crow nelson
cause it's really it's really not that
great you know the feathers
the meat is kind of greasy at best well
the feet alone are terrible
sir throw this guy out
uh i'd rather not sir do you hear me
nelson give the kid a break okay he's
bucking for a pension
one last chance slap there's a senior
citizens meeting
nelson don't make me do it okay i'm not
a cub reporter
tonight at the ladies club be there or
you're gone
any questions my desk that ain't a
question
i want it back write me a feature
article no sports
then we'll talk about the desk
you know where am i supposed to sit i'm
gonna buy you a decent tie
i'm your desk how'd it go in there let's
talk about us you didn't hit him did you
not the other night at my place the
passion the flames
sounds like a novel it was an epic it
was rapture
the air was spilled with the fumes of
desire i let you sit at my desk but then
where would i sit you know maybe i'm
getting a mixed message here but you're
you're acting like you don't remember
remember what the ride to my place the
wine the music
you're listening to mozart i should
never drink wine i'm a total blank
hmm well then permit me to jog your
memory
my god slap it was never like this does
that uh does that ring a bell
sound familiar to any of you okay fine
fine you don't want to say it i'll say
it the other night something happened
something big the earth was moving yeah
i remember
thank you it was the trucks what trucks
outside in the street all those potholes
rumble boom maybe the rumble but
uh not the broom
okay i can understand
if you're lazy but baby you and i both
know that there was a feeling the
electricity attention was like a summer
storm just
uh sir would you get out of here
could we just kind of let this drop
honey when you drop things they tend to
break
okay look the other night you were
feeling down
i was feeling vulnerable but i've got a
boyfriend
it's a virtual commitment does that mean
anything to you
of course it does good we've got a
problem we got to tell him
and of course slob probably adores the
hell out of you
but you know hearts are broken and uh
you know he'll get over just tell him
that i'm not going to tell him anything
why not
because there's nothing to tell when you
say nothing
look you were really very sweet sweet
what do you want slap a grade
honey but my uncle ezra is sweet but he
spends most of his time on a porch
trying to remember where his shoes were
i gotta get back to work okay fine go
ahead
but i think i should tell you something
if you go now if you leave right now i'm
liable to take that as a definite sign
that what happened between you and me
the other night means nothing to you
and i don't think you want me to think
that but it's up to you
it's your call
miss maxwell you okay yeah i'm fine
[Music]
hey don't hawk your heart at me
haroldson
i'll park my car anywhere i damn place
hey you're lucky i have a wheelchair in
that ramp i gotta walk up those stairs
you seem fluffy who's fluffy my dog have
you seen him
didn't anybody ever teach you about
talking to strangers he's a doberman
me if you see him watch out
go home will you i am home
i live here to f well go back to korea
japan same thing my mom says
you've lived here 15 years and never
said boo to anybody
are you a hermit you want me to break
that foot off
hey i'm just trying to be an emissary of
goodwill
plus i want my dog back i don't have
your dog
look at this place you ought to get
married
i am married my mom says you were
divorced
why doesn't she live here well she she
has her own place
modern you want to fix this place up you
need somebody
see ya hey kid wait a minute wait a
minute come here a minute
when you when you look at me do i look
uh
sweet do i look like your grandfather
how old would you guess i am
give or take a year ballpark
uh 106.
a and d we'll be right back with susan
ansbach in slap maxwell
amd is back with dabney coleman as slap
maxwell
you're kidding i'm not kidding you
really expect to move back
in here after 15 years i am not
kidding no i'm kidding
so what's new and stupid in the world
remember you always used to say that as
you're compiling to bed in the morning
what's new and stupid in the world annie
well nothing's new really nelson
saying pain in the ass keeps me jumping
through the hoop
glass eye views gives me the willies he
doesn't have a glass
but why don't i just move in for a week
or two
forget it
it's forgotten well
everything is fine since you asked the
bills get paid
elliot's doing well who your son
t.s eliot maxwell tall good looking
about 22 years old you really ought to
see him more often
well you certainly have blossomed since
i uh walked
oh you got a real business here regular
flea market
the critics like to call it primitive
art
not please thank you
well i suppose marriage and child
rearing was just
holding you back all those years right
one of the two
yeah why don't we start all over again
okay
here and now slap
the here and now is occupied
none of your damn business hairy burn
valve
that traitor snick right all those years
just peeking over the back vents
biting is time and what did you expect
me to be doing all these years
we are still married you know because
you didn't sign the divorce papers
i was waiting for you
well that's good because i just happen
to have a copy of them right there in my
desk
well i don't have a pen i have a pen
writer's cramp
no that's not it is it are you getting
old slap
what happened are you losing your magic
touch some little chickie turned you
down or somebody say you reminded her of
her father
somebody called here the other night um
judy uh
swoozie i don't know something like that
she seemed concerned
not that concerned oh no who would have
thunk it
slap max will end the run you remember
ted williams
sure sold us our fridge that was sears
the salesman's name was ted williams no
no
ted williams who played for the boston
red sox the last man to get 400 in the
major leagues
george brett hit 400. no we never did
george brett had 388 that's not 400.
but ted williams did the kid splendid
splinter
well he's not playing anymore but it
wasn't too many years ago that he was
rolling like a thundercloud around the
sacks at fenway park
and i was just a kid myself then i used
to listen to all the games on the
sylvania radio that i bought from my
father
for 20 my life savings
but it was worth every penny of it
maybe maybe i should have given 15. well
that's not important
gosh you could play
and sometimes when things were just
too tough for me just too big for me to
handle in life you know when i was
shaking down to my shoes i used to
i used to look right into that old radio
and say
hey kid what do i do now
and you may not believe this
any but he would honor back
[Music]
maxwell but that was my name
and you would say maxwell
they can brush you back but they can't
knock you down
that's how i've always tried to to live
my life and now i'm 50
and i sometimes look at the future it
just seems like some kind of
big black dog growling at me in the dark
so
[Music]
where do i go now
what do i do
thought i'd get some work done while you
finish mumbling
you got a heart of stone you know that
slap
it's advice you want cut the gibberish
and pay attention
you say your life's in a crisis your
life
is always in a crisis it's mother's milk
to you you thrive on it
you really want it to stop you you'd
slow down you'd play the game you
stop hitting stop fighting it didn't
get get a new hat buy a new tie
i like my hat like my tie and you like
your life
so don't get pathetic with me and that's
what i get huh
play the game or don't one of the two
what about us
i always say we get old together
counting on it
come see me again sometime when
i don't know sometimes
maybe when i'm old
[Music]
hmm
dad
slugger can you hear me
isn't this past your bedtime my mom says
that
sorry slugger uh
you know you and i have been through
quite a lot together
even though we haven't actually met
personally i
i just wanted you to know that i'm uh
i'm in a little bit of a bind here
so you know bottom of the ninth i got a
couple of strikes on me and
skipper skipper wants me to lay down a
butt you and i both know how to be
swinging about the fences but
i don't know my timing's a little low
but
were you old at 50
no anyway
i know you probably got a big
championship bone fish on the end of
that line right about now but i was
i was just wondering if you could maybe
take off a second or two and maybe
just um give me some kind of a sign
what is this free egg roll night on the
ginza
hi hi
2b it's next door i don't think so
i recognize the decor early flap house
i thought you didn't remember anything
yeah well you know
i lied i remember everything
oh everything i guess it all kind of
came back to me
no amnesia is tricky so is my boyfriend
who's this uh i told him about us
told who who what did he say he said
he's gonna plaster your face all over
the back tires of his camaro
oh that's nice it's a nice image
i think he means it did he uh did he
mention
when it's gonna happen rough guess about
30 seconds holy cow
[Music]
you really told him i thought it was
only fair
details i thought you should know sorry
don't be no you did the right thing
unless i die
how big is this guy redwood yeah
tim it's a camera all right duel cards
glass packs mean okay take the back
stairs
he's not after me i don't want you
caught in the crossfire what about you
slap maxwell never runs from danger go
[Music]
godspeed
you really gonna take him on not on your
life dragon lady
take this dollar and hold him off on me
okay
[Music]
oh you want a slugger i can handle it
from here
they can brush your back but they can't
knock you down right
whoa look he said
[Music]
maxwell
[Music]
um
[Music]
01x08 - Episode 8
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Follows "Slap" Maxwell, an egocentric sportswriter for a newspaper called The Ledger, somewhere in the American Southwest.
Follows "Slap" Maxwell, an egocentric sportswriter for a newspaper called The Ledger, somewhere in the American Southwest.