01x08 - Episode 8

[bunniefuu]

i just uh call them like i see them

taking this a little hard aren't you ref

oh

now i might be wrong i i could be wrong

but i'm

i'm a reporter so yeah sports and i have

pretty good instincts about things like

this

i'm telling you man-to-man these boys

don't look like high schoolers to me

maybe it's steroids i you know i know

that's a dirty word but

how about the reverend father maybe he's

looking for a little championship

of the cook food tastes a little weird

you guys lately

a little strange i think it's something

you have to be careful about

something worth looking into if you need

a little advice call me okay the ledger

maxwell's a name slap maxwell

oh i gotta go see well one of the things

sister

you're not gonna be able to hide behind

that mustache forever

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so

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something i should know

hey jude you want to play handball and

join the gym

what is it musk we're wearing today

don't distract me this involves the

entire alphabet i have to focus did you

know the scent of musk is extracted from

crushed deer glands

nelson wants to see you in his office

bambi d*ed so that you could bribe men

of the princess that's the ugliest tie

i've ever seen

well let's uh let's talk about the other

night see nelson

to me that was uh not bad nonetheless

get your hand off my hip

what are you thinking about right now

how they crush deer glands

you think they just stomp on them

what's that kid doing over my desk ask

him

you know you got a nasty bandage on your

nose i don't know

you got to see the other guy

hey charlie sir

thank you

mr uh maxwell you're probably wondering

what i'm doing here

no not really but you're gonna ask me

about it aren't you

would you like me to ask you charlie

well i'd be curious if it were my desk

and probably pretty upset and i know

you've got a terrible temper but about

all i'm doing is following orders and

let me interrupt for one second okay

uh-huh uh

charlie you know uh you know who i am

around here right

yes sir you're slap maxwell author of

slap sh*ts best sports column in this

town

while you are meaningless an office boy

a peon

exactly but if you feel that you have to

empty my desk into that cardboard box

i'm not gonna stand in your way you're

not no

matter of fact i'm gonna take a little

stroll over there and you just go on

about your business

okay thank you sir

you're the greatest one in a million oh

uh just make sure that when i get back

everything's right back exactly where

you found it

back in the desk yeah oh you can handle

that can't you

but mr kruger said that i think kruger

is a crowd he's the boss sir he's a n*zi

don't ever trust a man with a glass eye

i don't have a glass eye damn it how

come it's fogging up

i know i got hit by a nun nelson you had

to be there okay

i don't believe it well i i was i was

shocked to think that not even the roman

catholic church is exempt from that kind

of

random v*olence i wasn't talking about

the roman catholic church damn it

i was talking about this sports column

that's a good column no i see prizes

there pulitzer prize nobel

maybe both you remember the little chat

we had

the other day about not getting me in

this newspaper into hot water

the upshot of which was slap maxwell is

no longer writing sports

sp i thought you said torts

i said sports are you sure because if

you said torch

torch is a legal thing this won't wash

nelson i'm a sports writer not at this

newspaper not anymore

the other day when we talked we both

said some things that we didn't really

mean

i meant every word i myself was

uncharacteristically upset i have to

hell i got on a bus i was leaving town

but i like you nelson i i couldn't let

you do that

do what eat crow slap the nickels are

out of the bank

what the dog's in the water nelson i

swear to god if you don't learn how to

speak english

i'm hiring someone else who

i don't know i'm looking the donkey's in

the cabinet

charlie have you ever eaten crow nelson

cause it's really it's really not that

great you know the feathers

the meat is kind of greasy at best well

the feet alone are terrible

sir throw this guy out

uh i'd rather not sir do you hear me

nelson give the kid a break okay he's

bucking for a pension

one last chance slap there's a senior

citizens meeting

nelson don't make me do it okay i'm not

a cub reporter

tonight at the ladies club be there or

you're gone

any questions my desk that ain't a

question

i want it back write me a feature

article no sports

then we'll talk about the desk

you know where am i supposed to sit i'm

gonna buy you a decent tie

i'm your desk how'd it go in there let's

talk about us you didn't hit him did you

not the other night at my place the

passion the flames

sounds like a novel it was an epic it

was rapture

the air was spilled with the fumes of

desire i let you sit at my desk but then

where would i sit you know maybe i'm

getting a mixed message here but you're

you're acting like you don't remember

remember what the ride to my place the

wine the music

you're listening to mozart i should

never drink wine i'm a total blank

hmm well then permit me to jog your

memory

my god slap it was never like this does

that uh does that ring a bell

sound familiar to any of you okay fine

fine you don't want to say it i'll say

it the other night something happened

something big the earth was moving yeah

i remember

thank you it was the trucks what trucks

outside in the street all those potholes

rumble boom maybe the rumble but

uh not the broom

okay i can understand

if you're lazy but baby you and i both

know that there was a feeling the

electricity attention was like a summer

storm just

uh sir would you get out of here

could we just kind of let this drop

honey when you drop things they tend to

break

okay look the other night you were

feeling down

i was feeling vulnerable but i've got a

boyfriend

it's a virtual commitment does that mean

anything to you

of course it does good we've got a

problem we got to tell him

and of course slob probably adores the

hell out of you

but you know hearts are broken and uh

you know he'll get over just tell him

that i'm not going to tell him anything

why not

because there's nothing to tell when you

say nothing

look you were really very sweet sweet

what do you want slap a grade

honey but my uncle ezra is sweet but he

spends most of his time on a porch

trying to remember where his shoes were

i gotta get back to work okay fine go

ahead

but i think i should tell you something

if you go now if you leave right now i'm

liable to take that as a definite sign

that what happened between you and me

the other night means nothing to you

and i don't think you want me to think

that but it's up to you

it's your call

miss maxwell you okay yeah i'm fine

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hey don't hawk your heart at me

haroldson

i'll park my car anywhere i damn place

hey you're lucky i have a wheelchair in

that ramp i gotta walk up those stairs

you seem fluffy who's fluffy my dog have

you seen him

didn't anybody ever teach you about

talking to strangers he's a doberman

me if you see him watch out

go home will you i am home

i live here to f well go back to korea

japan same thing my mom says

you've lived here 15 years and never

said boo to anybody

are you a hermit you want me to break

that foot off

hey i'm just trying to be an emissary of

goodwill

plus i want my dog back i don't have

your dog

look at this place you ought to get

married

i am married my mom says you were

divorced

why doesn't she live here well she she

has her own place

modern you want to fix this place up you

need somebody

see ya hey kid wait a minute wait a

minute come here a minute

when you when you look at me do i look

uh

sweet do i look like your grandfather

how old would you guess i am

give or take a year ballpark

uh 106.

a and d we'll be right back with susan

ansbach in slap maxwell

amd is back with dabney coleman as slap

maxwell

you're kidding i'm not kidding you

really expect to move back

in here after 15 years i am not

kidding no i'm kidding

so what's new and stupid in the world

remember you always used to say that as

you're compiling to bed in the morning

what's new and stupid in the world annie

well nothing's new really nelson

saying pain in the ass keeps me jumping

through the hoop

glass eye views gives me the willies he

doesn't have a glass

but why don't i just move in for a week

or two

forget it

it's forgotten well

everything is fine since you asked the

bills get paid

elliot's doing well who your son

t.s eliot maxwell tall good looking

about 22 years old you really ought to

see him more often

well you certainly have blossomed since

i uh walked

oh you got a real business here regular

flea market

the critics like to call it primitive

art

not please thank you

well i suppose marriage and child

rearing was just

holding you back all those years right

one of the two

yeah why don't we start all over again

okay

here and now slap

the here and now is occupied

none of your damn business hairy burn

valve

that traitor snick right all those years

just peeking over the back vents

biting is time and what did you expect

me to be doing all these years

we are still married you know because

you didn't sign the divorce papers

i was waiting for you

well that's good because i just happen

to have a copy of them right there in my

desk

well i don't have a pen i have a pen

writer's cramp

no that's not it is it are you getting

old slap

what happened are you losing your magic

touch some little chickie turned you

down or somebody say you reminded her of

her father

somebody called here the other night um

judy uh

swoozie i don't know something like that

she seemed concerned

not that concerned oh no who would have

thunk it

slap max will end the run you remember

ted williams

sure sold us our fridge that was sears

the salesman's name was ted williams no

no

ted williams who played for the boston

red sox the last man to get 400 in the

major leagues

george brett hit 400. no we never did

george brett had 388 that's not 400.

but ted williams did the kid splendid

splinter

well he's not playing anymore but it

wasn't too many years ago that he was

rolling like a thundercloud around the

sacks at fenway park

and i was just a kid myself then i used

to listen to all the games on the

sylvania radio that i bought from my

father

for 20 my life savings

but it was worth every penny of it

maybe maybe i should have given 15. well

that's not important

gosh you could play

and sometimes when things were just

too tough for me just too big for me to

handle in life you know when i was

shaking down to my shoes i used to

i used to look right into that old radio

and say

hey kid what do i do now

and you may not believe this

any but he would honor back

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maxwell but that was my name

and you would say maxwell

they can brush you back but they can't

knock you down

that's how i've always tried to to live

my life and now i'm 50

and i sometimes look at the future it

just seems like some kind of

big black dog growling at me in the dark

so

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where do i go now

what do i do

thought i'd get some work done while you

finish mumbling

you got a heart of stone you know that

slap

it's advice you want cut the gibberish

and pay attention

you say your life's in a crisis your

life

is always in a crisis it's mother's milk

to you you thrive on it

you really want it to stop you you'd

slow down you'd play the game you

stop hitting stop fighting it didn't

get get a new hat buy a new tie

i like my hat like my tie and you like

your life

so don't get pathetic with me and that's

what i get huh

play the game or don't one of the two

what about us

i always say we get old together

counting on it

come see me again sometime when

i don't know sometimes

maybe when i'm old

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hmm

dad

slugger can you hear me

isn't this past your bedtime my mom says

that

sorry slugger uh

you know you and i have been through

quite a lot together

even though we haven't actually met

personally i

i just wanted you to know that i'm uh

i'm in a little bit of a bind here

so you know bottom of the ninth i got a

couple of strikes on me and

skipper skipper wants me to lay down a

butt you and i both know how to be

swinging about the fences but

i don't know my timing's a little low

but

were you old at 50

no anyway

i know you probably got a big

championship bone fish on the end of

that line right about now but i was

i was just wondering if you could maybe

take off a second or two and maybe

just um give me some kind of a sign

what is this free egg roll night on the

ginza

hi hi

2b it's next door i don't think so

i recognize the decor early flap house

i thought you didn't remember anything

yeah well you know

i lied i remember everything

oh everything i guess it all kind of

came back to me

no amnesia is tricky so is my boyfriend

who's this uh i told him about us

told who who what did he say he said

he's gonna plaster your face all over

the back tires of his camaro

oh that's nice it's a nice image

i think he means it did he uh did he

mention

when it's gonna happen rough guess about

30 seconds holy cow

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you really told him i thought it was

only fair

details i thought you should know sorry

don't be no you did the right thing

unless i die

how big is this guy redwood yeah

tim it's a camera all right duel cards

glass packs mean okay take the back

stairs

he's not after me i don't want you

caught in the crossfire what about you

slap maxwell never runs from danger go

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godspeed

you really gonna take him on not on your

life dragon lady

take this dollar and hold him off on me

okay

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oh you want a slugger i can handle it

from here

they can brush your back but they can't

knock you down right

whoa look he said

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maxwell

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um

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