camacho oh whoa that's good hold it hold
it hold it that's enough
that's a good demonstration there jesus
lobster hatfield i can uh assure you
that i'm gonna write a nice little
feature
encouraging everybody to send in their
dimes and dollars to
my lip bleeding to buy uh
athletic equipment for these scrappy
little latino youngsters here
oh nice try you're talking poetry and
motion here okay
still got the old reflexes oh
[Music]
jesus
[Music]
you
[Music]
my uh
it can't just pop in here whenever you
feel like it slap
this isn't any port in a storm anymore
you know hey i got important career
decisions little life prices to deal
with there
who else am i supposed to turn to my
mom's dead i don't hear from you for
months
then you just walk in like you're still
on the place so what are we having
you are not having anything um actually
just because i step out of the house for
a few years boom right
women i tell you if i live to be a
hundred dollars you're gonna be here in
a little while
what is he too cheap to take you out to
dinner some things never change huh
what are you just limping for oh
see we men most of us anyway we have
this
little sensitive area and every time we
get kicked in it we tend to kind of
pretzel up
i think you've been getting kicked a lot
there lately i mean symbolically
yes i have you mind if i sit down no no
go right ahead sit down
so is this guy um is he young or what
he's not old well she means he's young
youngish
what is he blonde with ripples in his
stomach phd in physiology gourmet cook
drive something red just smoking with
horsepower
dresses in those gatsby clothes like
they wear on the yachts has a
golden retriever by his side and always
brushing the hair out of his eyes
politics just just a shade to the left
what did you come here to ask me about
are you putting on a little weight or
what i don't have time for this
cause it's hard to tell in that uh moo
moo thing it's uh
it's an artsy craftsy look isn't it that
particular look you have three minutes
annie i'm
half a hundred years old i got no career
left
i've been covering sports for 15 years
15
magnificent years and now peg leg baits
has me running around like a high school
kid covering back page garbage i
not everything i write is wrong i can't
focus i'm flowering around like i'm like
a like uh like like a flounder
who's peg like baits nelson he doesn't
have a
peg light that has nothing to do with it
it seems to me he's testing you he is
k*lling me
well you have to die before you can live
oh that's beautiful see
that makes absolutely no sense at all
well then don't ask me for my advice
out well annie i'm desperate okay
you're looking at a man at the
crossroads we're talking about the lady
and the tiger i don't know which door to
choose
tooth on marked out you're a much more
giving person when we slept together
you just stayed around on purpose to
give my friend a hard time
your friend now isn't that quaint
any coffee gallons of it at the diner
i can take a hint
i think i'm gonna have to see an actual
doctor about this
do women have scrotums
sprota
oh prairie burn balm hello slap how goes
it well i don't believe this the next
door neighbor
well this is a classic year any of three
exits
and all those years annie always thought
of you as at best
asexual no i did i know i didn't i did
maybe i'm being a little kind
i swear look slap i um
well i hope you don't mind that uh your
your wife's been dead what uh a day and
a half
six years oh so you figured the
appropriate amount of time had passed
slap would you please get the hell out
of here i'm going i'm out the damn door
okay harry birnbaum my stars and garters
well we are living in desperate times
desperate times indeed
[Music]
charlie oh geez not today come here a
minute will you
there's something you want to tell me
how you mean about the guy mr kruger
hard to replace you or the water cooler
talk charlie well it's busted the
spigot's crest so it squirts all over
the place and i'm probably responsible
for getting it fixed but all i'm doing
is trying to follow her
so nelson did it to me huh your face is
all puffy
blindsided me either you got no sleep or
you stuck your face in a beehive
i can't believe i've got a new guy here
at my desk
sitting in the chair i made famous
you're supposed to sit over there now
in classified ads why don't they just
put me on the fire escape
seems like a decent guy the new guy
bleaching the sun while the vultures
pick out my liver he was uncomfortable
in your little alcohol but nelson
convinced him it would be okay
so how would you feel about having
unbridled non-stop sex this evening
i'll i'll spring for dinner you ought to
put some sav on that face
how about it i've got a lot to do today
like what i've got to find you a place
to sit just to name one thing
you know nelson is a quizzling and a
when he comes clumping out of that
office on that
wooden stump tell him i'm looking for
him actually he's looking for you i have
nothing to say to that man
what wouldn't stop you want to duck in
here for a minute oh yes sir mr kruger
sir hey watch my smoke
why don't you check with me after three
what for something about sex without a
bridle
yeah yes i shall check with you
i've seen nelson in gym shorts his legs
are real well they look real
i'll give you that but watch him
disappear when there's a woodpecker in
the vicinity
[Applause]
we start at 9am around here case you
weren't familiar with the routine
oh forgive me sir i was i was at a
funeral dude
adjust my brothers i want you to say
hello to somebody i think you may know
him by reputation
this is phil brogan phil slat maxwell
uh nice to meet you now same here you
two know each other
no ah no uh slap maxwell i heard him
never met him you know
broken i've heard you too cedar rapids
uh
yeah for a while it was a demon reporter
mm-hmm a few years ago
right yeah a few years ago more than a
few years ago
anyway slap phil's to be working with us
here and i know you want to join me in
welcoming him to the ledger
tickle pink to have you aboard i mean
pink literally
you know i realize i'm sitting at your
desk out there if you want me to move
no nonsense more of me i mean me desk
sue desk what's in a desk anyway
whoa where's the time gone here i'm a
little bit behind here i could just kick
myself for coming
so late today because time is a gift you
know and it's too precious to waste
on me that's the way i feel anyway i'll
talk to you fellas later all right
can i talk to you for a minute slap if i
may well is there time for that skipper
no no no i'll get out of your way here
no phil um if you happen to need
anything just holler okay cause i'll be
back over here
in the cloud surprise this snug it's a
bug thank you
okay and there's some stuff on your desk
now that's mine
it gets in the way check it out
so what can i do for you sir smooth is a
pig in a barrel aren't you
pardon me you know what i'm talking
about i never know what you're talking
about what the hell are you up to
in which particular context you know
this guy don't you i know lots of guys
nelson and yet who of us really knows
anybody
you're making monkeys with the wrong guy
how do you know him is that your leg
squeaking
you better not pull some dumbass stunt
here are you gonna find yourself working
the far end of the truck
you know what you should do is squirt
little pins oil on it works great on my
cabinets
listen damn it i'm fighting for my life
here this newspaper isn't doing blintzes
i'm tired of putting myself on the line
for you slap the only reason you're here
is because of me
so don't keep giving me your mumbo jumbo
cause i heard it all and i'm sick of it
what did you have for breakfast just
straight garlic get out of here
i'm gonna tell you something nelson
you know i'm tougher than you are and
i'm smarter than you are i'm gonna go
out there and write the best features
you've ever read
reams of them i'm gonna have you crying
in your beer
i'm gonna sit back in those cheap seats
and i'm just gonna keep slinging stuff
under that door
i'm gonna breslin you to death my best
years are still ahead of me
and sure sure i have feeling for you
because of your handicap
but don't expect me to wallow in that
back of self-pity that you flail around
in
a and e will be right back with daphne
coleman in slap maxwell
amd is back with dabney coleman as slap
maxwell
[Music]
you're telling me the modern day ball
player is not coddled
and grossly overpaid what happened to
your face you know the most money enos
slaughter ever made
a man played till he was 42 years old
played heard
played bleeding would have played dead
if they asked him to
the most money guess how much 45
65. pretty good nothing well see i was
thinking 45.
these flash in the pan jerks that play
today couldn't hold his jock
if he played with the jock which he
probably didn't that's how tough he was
ain't you got stories about not sports
not anymore
friend nelson seemed to that well in
that case you put an abram help me
out i'm talking to a wall here i should
have stayed in football
tavern business ain't no place for a
sane person you ever played football in
iowa
semi-pro barnstorming toward the end
name phil brogan ring a bell long time
ago
good writer bad drunk as far as i can
recollect
no that's the guy how how good compared
to you
well yeah i mean you think he could uh
hold your job yeah
nope he was gifted though said i was a
mighty slab of beef who refused to be
tenderized by the pounding of enemy
linemen
i like that pack beef reference it's
been done
can i talk to you yeah
sure it's been a long time
yeah so how are things out in the
heartland phil
this is it for me slap i'm out of chance
that's my last horror
well you eating right you look a little
pasty
how's annie good
she's good look slap i uh
i didn't think i'd be taking your job
i didn't think i'd be taking any job
i've just been sending out resumes all
over and
nelson gave me a call so naturally i uh
that night with annie i uh i was out of
it
well i doubt if anything would have
happened anyway even if you hadn't
thrown up all over
and it's not really that important she
was just just my wife
looks like uh nobody knows me around
here
nobody the paper i'd be
real grateful if you didn't say anything
about
my uh alcoholism these lips are sealed
buddy
i know you don't owe me any favors but
can i count on you
death and taxes that's pretty much the
spectrum of what you can count on these
days
and ain't no slaughter then count on him
[Music]
i'll see you later and good luck to you
he's gonna blow the whistle on me hasn't
he think so
excuse me mr maxwell speak up sean
oh i was gonna leave now
hmm my brother's flying in from lebanon
on leave and my mom wanted me to pick
him up at the airport
mm-hmm i haven't seen him in over two
years sir
[Music]
well what about the uh coffee situation
uh
thoughts empty but but i can make a
fresh pot
well if you have ash in your pants and
you absolutely have to go
plain lambs in 20 minutes an airport's
10 minutes
i'll make that fresh pot of coffee
you're not on my account
what do you suppose that uh that new
column is here
i haven't seen them all afternoon sir
kind of an unorthodox first day on the
job isn't it
charlie how'd you beg after the airport
uh yes ma'am i was just about to go when
mr maxwell here was uh harassing you yes
ma'am
uh but but in a very subtle terrifying
way
slap he hasn't seen his brother for two
years
i don't have a brother over here on the
dark side of the room we don't have
anything drip copy
light nothing see you tomorrow charlie i
was gonna make that call i'll make it
he made a pass at me you know of course
he did kids hormones
run amok to him you represent every
centerfold he ever hit under his
mattress but if you want i'll have him
k*lled
not the kid brogan said something about
how sensuous my lips were
tried to wedge me into a corner against
a file cabinet really
broken that was before lunch i haven't
seen him since
that's amazing so i looked in the mirror
they are sensuous
i mean if that's indicative of anything
i guess it's better than if they were
scabby and cracked all the time
phil brogan is a complicated story you
want to hear it
i guess that's why they invented lip
gloss actually i'm faced with a problem
your
moral dilemma he looks older than you
and sometimes you look plenty old
yourself
compared to say me well your ideas in a
nutshell but
you have to promise that nelson will
hear none of this he drinks doesn't he
you see brogan drinks and you knew him a
long time ago
i knew him a long time ago and he still
drinks and he knows you know
and he's confided in you that he's at
the bottom of the barrel so
you're faced with an ethical decision i
hate it when people know what i'm gonna
say before i say it
are you just gonna hover around here
dressed like that smelling like that
smelling like what
a citrus medley you mix your scents
don't you
i mean you mingle them with your natural
fragrance
that is an art form isn't it why are you
here so late
brogan's supposed to phone in a story
i'm supposed to take it down according
to nelson you look pete
maybe i am maybe you're the mosey on
home maybe i will
maybe i'll call you later maybe you will
[Music]
miss wilson i'd like you to meet my
brother a little later charlie okay
uh mr maxwell i'd like you to meet my
brother
yo slap
mr maxwell i told my brother
morning racer
anyway miss ralston
first of all let's talk about the hack
piece don't scream at me okay nelson
i'm not screaming you got a screaming
tone i got the makings of a migraine
i didn't tell you to stay out all night
i'm at home in bed
i'm here the next day on time precious
pie what is a whistle
well we can't all lead the idyllic
reader's digest light that you and the
mrs lead nelson some of us might get a
little tired of giggling all the time
what do you want you call a meeting oh
yeah
the hat piece screaming don't do it okay
i liked it i'm sure you did it speaks of
bygone days when life was simpler before
the world got all
jammed up you know what era it calls to
mind
the era of hats yeah
snap brims derbies and skimmers you
remember them
i do let's name all the different hats
only once did you lapse into a sports
mode
you just can't stop yourself can you try
nelly if it isn't enos slaughter it's
oscar robertson or seattle slew or
somebody
why maybe it's because i'm a sports
writer
well no but you got one of those don't
you that's right
i do a great one that piece that brogan
wrote was sensational
you read it me no when would i break i
would have thought maybe out of
curiosity
no it's not my baileywick anymore i
write about hats
hell of a wordsmith that guy let me just
jump right off the page at you
is that it if so i think ought to get
out there maybe start another story
maybe one about
shoes
which is all the more astonishing since
brogan
checked himself into a detox center last
night
he called me from there so it must have
been very difficult for him to write the
story
no not necessarily unless i had him
strapped into a straight jacket
that's true as long as his fingers were
free i mean they weren't giving him a
lobotomy or something like that
right there you go and the way he ended
the story
my god and finally i'd like to pay
tribute to the man i'm succeeding
what do you say about a symphony how do
you describe a diamond
slap maxwell's poetry wasn't high rise
or high tech no glitter no chrome no
dazzling dizzy ride in a sleek sedan no
the maxwell poetry was the simple song
of the black kids with dreams in their
eyes
holes in their pants playing hoops on a
project playground
old men huddled around a pot-bellied
stove at the country store listening to
ernie harwell
whittling distant memories that musty
cr*ck
leather johnny mize mitt in the attic
the dead on earth for little rusty one
april day when the first sh**t of
spring dot the perimeters of the pond
that was slap maxwell's canvas
and he painted it like a rembrandt so
from now on
the byline may be broken but the magic
will always be maxwell
what can i say the guy's good
mit for little rusty
maybe not perfect did a decent thing
slap
wow i don't know what's gonna happen to
brogan but you can have your old job
back don't
thank me
well that's amazing it's amazing what
they can do with oak now you know that
that's remarkably flesh-like get out of
here
you know there's just one thing i don't
get
why didn't you check up on brogan before
you hired him
who says i didn't
[Music]
[Music]
a and e will be right back with slap
[Music]
maxwell
[Music]
um
[Music]
mm-hmm
01x09 - Episode 9
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Follows "Slap" Maxwell, an egocentric sportswriter for a newspaper called The Ledger, somewhere in the American Southwest.
Follows "Slap" Maxwell, an egocentric sportswriter for a newspaper called The Ledger, somewhere in the American Southwest.