02x02 - Wheeldini

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(Engine revving) (Tires screeching)

♪

(Car horns honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Aah!

♪

(Dramatic news theme music playing)

REPORTER, OVER RADIO: WAKY News.

The mysterious disappearance of Bayview’s money

has left the mayor scrambling for solutions

to the city’s financial problems.

In other news...

And now you’ll notice

there is nothing up my sleeve.

Hey, there’s nothing up mine either.

Am I a magician too?

No, Goon, you’re the audience.

I will now shuffle the cards.

Yay!

Oh, that’s amazing!

That’s not the trick.

The way those table legs just came out of nowhere.

(Goon exclaiming)

(Laughing): Yay! Oh!

Okay, I cover the deck with the scarf,

and you’ll notice that the card you were thinking of earlier

is now in the mouth of this dove.

Or, it will be a dove when I get real good and I can afford one."

You turned a dove into a potato?

Aah! Don’t turn me into a potato!

(Screaming)

Oh, that’s terrific, son.

Isn’t it, Bobby?

(Cooing)

Thanks, Dad. Thanks, Bobby. I really needed a hobby.

It was either magic or tap-dancing.

(Audience applauding)

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

I’m a little worried that if I get real good,

people are going to think everything’s hidden

inside my wheelchair.

Oh, no. They won’t think that.

KATE: Could you hurry up?

I’m getting a little tired of tasting my knees back here.

(Electricity humming)

Oh, man. Those stupid power failures.

DAD: The city council’s doing all they can to save money

during the city’s financial problems.

They’re turning escalators off

for minutes out of every hour.

(All screaming)

The exercise bikes at senior care facilities

are being hooked to power generators.

Faster, people. I need to do my laundry.

DAD: And to save wear and tear on brake linings,

the busses aren’t stopping.

Oh!

Ow!

A financial crisis shminancial crisis.

A whole town’s worth of money doesn’t just vanish.

That idiot mayor of ours probably stole it.

Now, Gram-Gram, Mayor Breadcup is suffering

as much as we are.

(Electricity humming)

(Dance music blaring)

(Party guests chattering)

I’ve got my candles and my canned fruit.

Bring on the darkness.

What are you staring at, you four-legged flea buffet?

CAT: One sh*t at their neck meat in the dark.

That’s all I ask.

I’m going to need a stage name.

I was thinking either the Amazing Rampo,

or the Great Wheeldini.

(Man imitating fire engine siren)

Good thing it was Bayview that ran out of money,

because if it was, like, Las Vegas,

that new-age soft rock clarinet-playing guy,

he couldn’t dry his hair.

(Whirring)

MAN: Oh, no!

City employees haven’t been paid in a week.

I’ll let you go if you give me half that doggy treat.

I can’t wait to see how Mayor Breadcup

is going to fix this.

SANDRA: What an honour

being, like, chosen to design this year’s floral garden.

It’s the last glimpse of beauty that hardened criminals see

before they’re dragged off kicking and screaming to jail.

I didn’t do it! I didn't do it! I didn’t--

Hey, nice floral display.

I didn’t do it! I didn’t do it!

I see...

a hat.

We have to choose a scene from Bayview’s history.

Heroes, elections, memorable moments.

How about last year,

when Trish Fritzole wore, like, bell-bottoms

to the ’s dance?

It didn’t change the course of history, Sandra.

It did for Trish.

She was on the fashion no-no list for three weeks.

Can I, like, eat these?

Hey.

Hey.

Where’s the fancy appearance?

You usually come out of a burrito covered in chicken meat,

or popped from a g*n with "bang" written on your forehead.

Yeah. Cutbacks.

You have cutbacks too?

How about this?

Peek-a-boo.

How could the afterlife go broke?

We had big plans for that money.

Uh, can I borrow a cup of electricity?

How do you borrow a cup of electricity?

(Electricity crackling)

Thanks. I’ll pay you back.

Um, could you, uh, close your eyes

and pretend I’m disappearing on the back of a big golden horse?"

Thanks, man.

ZEIGLER: Right this way, Mr. Mayor.

We’re doing everything we can at Alcatraz Junior High

to save the city’s money.

We’re turning off selected hallway lights.

(Loud crashing) (Boy exclaiming)

BOY: Ow!

(Flies buzzing) We’re saving on pesticide

by using cafeteria gravy to k*ll the roaches.

And to save on the sports equipment budget,

we only have one Ping-Pong paddle.

Actually, this really whiffs.

Well done, but you won’t need to conserve much longer.

Not after the Amazing Gumpo gets here.

"The" the Amazing Gumpo?

MAYOR: I first saw his astounding psychic displays

on a TV special.

He pulled a piano out of nowhere.

Still don’t know how he did it, though.

ZEIGLER: I saw that one.

He chose a total stranger from the audience,

and found his missing wallet.

Is it in your pocket?

And it was in his pocket.

Oh, oh, he did this thing with a coin.

It was in one hand, then it was in the other hand!

I hugged my kitty cat in bristle-necked fright.

He told me for $,,

he’d psychically locate our city’s missing money,

and then we could go back to wasting our natural resources

like we always have.

You hear that?

What a joke.

Gumpo isn’t even a psychic. He’s a third-rate magician.

And as for the amazing leaping coin...

GOON: Oh!

Great!

Pelswickini,

how may I serve your magical amazingness?

♪

Don’t tell me there's no such thing as mystical powers.

I spoke to your grandfather

several times in .

But Gram-Gram, he was alive then.

Oh, yeah.

(Cat mewling weakly)

What are you doing?

Canning.

In times of emergency,

you need stuff in cans.

Why?

I have no idea.

Daddy, if the power goes out tonight,

my rock polisher won’t work.

DAD: And Bobby’s talking ducky night-light won’t work.

I’m here. No need to be afraid.

GRAM-GRAM: And I can’t plug in

my electric denture de-cruster.

NIGHT-LIGHT: I’m here. No need to be afraid.

(Screaming)

Well, you know what that means.

I’ll be able to sleep for a change?

It means we should all go to the town meeting tomorrow

to voice our concern.

Where are the candles?

I think I canned them.

Did you get the candles?

Not yet, but I found my slippers.

(Mewling)

Where’s Pelswick?

PELSWICK: I’m up here!

My battery’s dead.

How about this: The Battle of Walker Crescent,

in which a dozen feisty student loyalists

held off their landlord for weeks

with nothing but unwashed dishes for weapons.

Ow!

It’s so, like, sepia.

I’m going to have to give them yellow hats.

You can’t give them hats, Sandra!

This is an historic image,

revered by modern-day advocates of rent control.

How about Gainsborough’s Blue Boy?

Now he had a hat.

Would you wear this in public?

I am going to give my parents such a pinch.

He didn’t live here.

Oh. And that’s, like, my fault?!

I had a spare battery,

but Kate hooked it up to her Little Miss Diva performance

in the round rotating stage.

♪ I’ll love you ♪

♪ Till the trees grow hair

I can’t believe they hire a bad magician

to fix a financial crisis.

These are adults, not kids.

They aren’t going to be fooled because some guy in a cape

can pull the queen of diamonds from behind someone’s ear.

He pulled the queen of diamonds from behind my ear!

CROWD: Hooray!

(Electricity humming)

GUMPO: But you, good people, don’t want to watch me

reconstitute matter from thin air.

Reconstitute matter?

It was up his sleeve!

Shh!

You want me to find your city’s missing money.

CROWD: Hooray! Yeah!

This guy couldn’t find a cop in a doughnut shop.

You’ve written important questions for me

and sealed them in these envelopes.

Oh, he’s not going to do the old "one ahead."

(Humming)

Yes, he is.

(Humming)

ALL: Ooh!

They’re oohing humming.

The answer is,

"No, Morris, don’t invest till you’re sure."

"Should I invest in plumb futures?

Signed, Morris."

I’m Morris, and I’m amazed.

I can’t take this.

It’s a trick.

Morris is a ringer working with this rabbit-stuffer.

He didn’t have a question.

The envelope Gump had just opened

contained the second question,

which he now already knows.

He’s not a psychic!

Mr. Mayor, don’t give him the city’s money!

(Laughing nervously)

Been getting a powerful emanation from this young man.

Oh, oh, from Pelswick?

What kind of emanation?

I see him... in an accident.

(Audience gasping) Were you?

No.

This thing’s just an elaborate belt buckle.

Tell us more, Amazing Gumpo.

Give it up, Morris. You’re the ringer.

I see Bayview’s current financial problems

strongly connected to this boy.

Connected to Pelswick?

You must place him in jail

until he produces the missing money.

Or until I’ve been paid and left town.

No, wait! What are you doing?

Now I’ll give you some winning lottery numbers.

and use this dowsing rod

to show you where to drill for gasoline.

That’s even better than oil.

We can pump it right into the busses.

Hooray for the Amazing Gumpo! (Audience cheering)

DRIVER: I’m sorry, sir.

You’ll need exact change to push the bus.

Which is the best hat for gardening?

This one says "I am of the soil."

But this one says, "Cheap."

(Sheep bleating)

Since we can’t agree on a picture

from our tragically chapeau-light history,

I picked this page at random.

Here’s your seeds.

You start on this side. I’ll start over there.

And we’ll meet in the middle.

(Wind gusting)

Hmm!

I can’t believe my luck.

I’m in jail for something I didn’t do.

And to make it worse, it’s not a school night.

You’re not by any chance a fan of the Amazing Gumpo, are you?

(Whirring)

Gram-Gram, I’ve got terrible news.

(Coughing)

What are you doing?

Gas and power are out.

I figure if I dig down far enough,

we can cook our meals on the heat from the earth’s core.

Pelswick’s in jail.

We need to get him the best lawyer in the country

not currently defending the violent video game makers.

Pelswick in jail?

Oh, you don’t need a lawyer.

You need Marley’s Angels.

♪

The signal.

Prissy needs me.

(Engine revving)

(Tires screeching)

Do I get one call?

Not till the city pays the bill

and they turn the phone back on.

(Sighing)

What’s that? A pardon from the mayor?

Nah. I’ve been laid off by the city.

You too.

Don’t go.

Who’s going to feed me?

Well, this is just great.

Stuck in a jail with no phone call

and a dead battery.

Mr. Jimmy, I could use a little help here.

KATE: Who’s Jimmy? Do the trick already.

Kate?

Boy, I expected you to play some dumps on your way up,

but this is pathetic.

It’s not a dump. It’s a jail.

You can fit through the bars.

Go find the keys and get me out of here.

First write a note saying I’m a little kid

who was misled into becoming your accomplice

in said jailbreak.

If it’s signed when I get back,

you get the key.

(Sighing) (Door opening)

Did you get your mail yet?

Because mine hasn’t come.

Where were you?

Watching the Amazing Gumpo.

He bend those spoons just by looking at them.

It’s a trick. He uses his belt buckle.

I wish I had a trick like that.

Just because I can’t ooze out of a liquid soap dispenser

or fly into the room like a bat,

no one takes me seriously.

People are so superficial.

I sympathize, really.

But right now, I need to get out of jail.

I’d turn into a big saw, but that’s a $ trick.

(Watch chimes) Got to go.

I have to push a bus to my next appointment.

(Engine revving)

What’s the mule for?

Saw it in a western.

It was the s.

The prospector’s crusty mule yanked the jail bars out

to set him free.

Whoo-hoo! I’m free! Free, I tells you!

Whoo-hoo!

GRAM-GRAM: Wait, was that a film,

or was I alive back then?

Prissy, he’s a skinny kid.

We could bend those bars ourselves.

We got to bend them enough to get the chair out.

Oh, yeah.

PELSWICK: Thanks, Kate.

Hey, where are you going?

To get this notarized.

You’d think city hall would have a--

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

According to this map of the ductwork,

it’s meters straight on,

then a left to the elevator shaft.

(Braying)

There. When they can afford to water it,

this will be beautiful.

You were sure using a lot of red.

Was the prospector sunburned?

There was no prospector on page .

We weren’t doing page .

We were doing page !

If we did half of this picture and half of this one...

(Both gasping)

Guys, what are you doing here?

Everything’s turned off.

It’s the mall. It’s where we go.

Things are getting worse out there.

And what are they doing to fix this mess?

(Elephant trumpeting) Listening to Gumpo.

Hmm. I see gasoline...

(Sheep bleating) ...here!

Yeah, it’s a shame.

Who are you, anyway?

It’s me, Pelswick.

(Gasping)

You can’t be Pelswick.

He’s in jail.

MR. JIMMY: No one’s taking me seriously.

People are so superficial.

That’s right. Pelswick’s in jail,

and people are superficial.

GUMPO: I will now direct a psychic force field around the town

to win you the next Olympics.

(Crowd cheering)

You think this’ll work?

Either way, thanks to this signed document,

I get off scot-free.

(Fanfare playing)

(Audience gasping and murmuring)

Who are you?

He’s...

the even more amazing Wheeldini.

Isn’t that that annoying Pelswick kid?

It can’t be. He’s in jail.

Actually, that’s right.

(Gulping)

It can’t be him.

I will first demonstrate my psychic powers

by pouring a glass of water

out of my beautiful assistant’s ear.

CROWD: Ooh!

Obviously she just went swimming or something.

In that case, she must have been swimming in the ocean.

CROWD: Ooh!

We should space out,

in case our combined weight...

(Ducts creaking)

(Both screaming)

Hey, what are you eating?

That’s city property.

I believe the card you chose is in this potato.

CROWD: Ooh!

Those are just magic tricks!

You’re not going to fall for this, are you?

Tell us what to do, oh great Wheeldini.

My pleasure.

I don’t know why the city’s broke,

but I’m getting a strong vibration that says

this man is a charlatan and a fraud.

(Audience gasping)

In that case, that poor boy we arrested was innocent.

Innocent! That’s right.

These are good.

But if Gumpo can’t help us,

how can we recover the city’s money?

(Doors opening) GRAM-GRAMIt’s right here!

Thanks to Marley’s Angels.

(Braying)

That third one’s quite the looker.

It was between the couch cushions

in the mayor’s office.

I knew there was someplace I forgot to look.

Everyone can be paid now!

(Audience cheering)

NEWSCASTER, OVER TV: And everything’s back to normal,

thanks to the mysterious Wheeldini.

We’ve seen this. Change the channel.

As soon as we find the remote.

I got what you were saying.

You have to get people’s attention

before you try and tell them something.

Nah. I was actually saying people are dopes

who will believe anything as long as you’re wearing a cape.

But, hey, if it works for you.

I found the very best lawyer in the country, and--

Oh, he’s back.

Thanks anyway.

Good morning, kid. They hired me back.

Whoa.

I was gone longer than I thought.

♪

(Braying)

♪