02x01 - Eggertggedon

[bunniefuu]

♪

(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

♪

(Clock ticking)

Unbelievable.

I think time’s actually going

backwards.

Actually, it’s inhumane to

keep school open when it’s this

hot.

Doesn’t this school have an

air conditioning system?

Look on the bright side.

No way Mrs. Doorhammer’s giving

us homework with only two weeks

of school left.

Here’s your homework, even

though there’s only two weeks of

school left.

(Groaning)

(Intercom squealing)

ZEIGLERIs this thing on?

ALLYes, it’s on.

I know there’s a rumour going

around that when a classroom

reaches the melting point of

asbestos, we have to let you go

home.

(Cheering)

ZEIGLERIt’s not true.

(Groaning)

Now, I don’t like the heat any

more than you.

Another thing I hate is when you

toss bread in the park, and the

big duck runs and pushes the

little duck out of the way, even

though it was the little duck

you really wanted to give it to.

Shoo, big duckie, shoo!

Too late, too late, he’s eaten

the little duckie’s bread.

Guys, you know our group

project?

I’ve got an idea for it that’ll

let us stay up all night.

(Snoring)

You mean, this isn’t night

now?

That explains why my math

teacher yesterday was a fridge.

Oh, oh, I know the answer!

Now, I don’t wanna get you

three excited, but I think I’m

going to be made head of gender

studies at the university!

I...I said I don’t wanna get you

excited.

That’s great, Dad.

Do you work at the university?

Yes.

Cool.

Where’s Gram-Gram?

Ready?

Ready when you are.

(Exploding)

(Coughing)

Oh, we hit the mother lode,

Agnes.

Yoohoo!

Over here, boys.

Mouth to mouth resuscitation, no

waitin’.

Oh, here we are.

Now, the eggs come from a farm

that’s not only free-range, the

chickens have their own

midwives.

(Groaning)

Push.

It’s a beautiful baby...egg.

So, tell me everything that

happened in school today.

Because, remember, I am very

interested in your lives.

Kate?

I think I’ve reached puberty.

(Spitting)

My chest has hurt the last

couple of days.

Uh, that’s because the cat

was sleeping on it.

CATThink I’ll eat

something.

Then I’ll have a nap.

Then I’ll eat something, ruin

some furniture, have another

nap.

Then...

Kate, though it will be a

wonderful, liberating

experience crossing over into

womanhood, let me remind you,

you’re !

One word, Dad.

Estrogen.

If I’m gonna be a major player,

I need this.

There’s estrogens in meat.

If mad cow doesn’t k*ll me, I’ll

be voluptuous before Christmas.

Uptious.

Whoop, gettin’ dark, gotta

go.

Whoa, champ, where to so

late?

I wish I didn’t have to stay

out all night, Dad, but group

project.

School orders.

See ya in the morning!

Kate, Kate, listen, honey.

Becoming a woman, which I assure

you you’re not, has nothing to

do with body shape...ew!

Dad, get real.

If I don’t start getting curves

all over the place, I’ll never

fill out my "Servace" business

suit.

(Rattling)

Goon, you okay?

I had some coffee so I could

stay awake.

I don’t think it’s taken effect

yet.

(Rattling)

Hey, you want me to run to Italy

and get you a pizza?

Wow, I didn’t know there was

an international sign for,

"Sudden plunge ahead, put lids

on all beverages."

Ah, the creatures of the

night.

Have you noticed they’re mostly

mosquitoes?

And shouldn’t you be in bed?

No, I’m looking at the stars

for a school project.

Boy, am I glad I flunked out

of kindergarten.

Anyway, I got some information

for you.

You never have information

for me.

You always let me figure it out

for myself.

This time’s different.

Ahem, "The winner of tomorrow’s

third horse race at Salvino Park

will be..."

Oh, no, wait, that’s for someone

else.

No, gimme that one!

Let me see it!

Sorry, tampering with

celestial mail is a federal...

(Whistling)

to .

I’ll split it with ya.

No can do.

Ah, Eggert, here we are.

Ahem, "Something big is about to

end."

That’s it?

ACEPelswick!

I’ve gotta go.

Was there anything else?

Let me see.

A lottery number, stocks about

to double.

No, nothing else for you.

(Mosquito buzzing)

Hey, get away, go on!

(Sighing)

Yo, so we gonna party all

night?

Guaranteed.

Goon drank a whole pot of

coffee.

Look I’m a hummingbird!

(Buzzing)

Want me to swim to New Zealand?

Ooh, look, a stick!

I’ll be right back.

PELSWICKDoughnut.

ACEDoughnut.

PELSWICKCola.

ACECola.

View heavens.

Mr. Jimmy?

JULIEThe Amazon rainforest,

the green-crested pond wallower,

the Bayview sewer crocodile,

what do they have in common?

They’re all, like, really

ugly?

Sandra, be serious.

This is for half our grade.

They’re all part of the

endangered world.

Well, duh.

No wonder, look at them.

Who’d take that alligator

anywhere?

Crocodile.

Whatever.

The endangered world needs a

makeover or it’s, like, never

going anywhere.

Apart from that being the

most ditz-headed idea I ever

heard, it’s brilliant!

If we combine my love of the

Earth with your love of fashion,

we can make endangered wildlife

too beautiful to k*ll!

Is that a new star?

Actually, that’s the moon.

Oh, yeah.

I see the flag and the golf

balls.

More sticks, more sticks!

Ooh!

Ah, this is the life.

OD’ing on sugar and grease when

we should be in bed.

Hm, I can’t sleep when it’s this

hot, anyway.

Yeah, you sweat, you kick the

covers off.

Well, I kick the covers off.

That’s not why I can’t sleep.

My Gram-Gram keeps her teeth in

the freezer.

(Chattering)

Oh, that’s better.

Hey, here’s the plan.

We pick some star, pretend we

discovered it, right, and get a

B-.

By the time Mrs. Doorhammer

discovers it’s a fake job,

school’s out and it’s too late

to change our grade.

Swift.

Quicker to break the tree up

here.

Anyone else want coffee?

I could run to Brazil, no

problem.

PELSWICKLet’s use that one.

ACEActually, there’s

nothing at those coordinates.

Sure there is, look.

Holy cow!

(Marching band playing)

Everyone in town’s here to pay

tribute to you.

Yeah, and for the free

trumpet breeze.

(Sighing)

(Tapping)

Is this thing on?

ALLYes, it’s on.

As vice principal of Alcatraz

Junior High, I want to

congratulate our young Galileo.

(Cheering)

A+, boys.

I’m his little sister.

Though in three months’ time,

I’ll be a curvaceous, powerful

CEO.

As the discoverer of the

star, I’d like to name it after

someone who’s always been a

light in my life.

I name you Julie Smockford

Major.

Also I’d like to mention my

friend, Goon, is selling a big

pile of sticks.

Pelswick!

Hi, Dad, I know you’re real

proud of me in a non sibling

preferential over any other

sibling way.

No, I mean, of course, but

look.

I looked through the university

telescope.

It’s not a star.

Of course it’s a star.

And I’ve written a special song

for the occasion.

(Pitch pipe whining)

♪ Twinkle twinkle, star so red

♪ Wouldn’t steal a duckie’s

bread ♪

What?

It’s the plutonium-powered

Zosmian space station.

In hours it’s gonna hit

Bayview, destroying everything

for a thousand miles, initiating

a nuclear winter and

annihilating all life on Earth!

(Gasping)

ZEIGLERThen I’ve got

another song.

(Pitch pipe whining)

♪ Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo

Everybody, I know this is

devastating news.

Especially to those of us who

were eagerly awaiting the next

Jedi space flick.

But it’s important now that

we’re all in the same boat.

Or chair.

Or whatever.

And help each other out.

(Cricket chirping)

Steal the square-headed kid’s

firewood!

(Rioting)

GOONStop it!

MR. JIMMYSomething big is

about to end.

(Intercom squealing)

(Shattering)

ZEIGLERIs this thing on?

ALLYes, it’s on.

ZEIGLERI know there’s a

rumour that when the world’s

ending and the cities are

aflame with panic, looting and

random savagery, we have to let

you go home.

It’s not true.

ALLHuh?

(Groaning)

You won’t even let us out of

school early for the end of the

Earth?

Education’s important.

Without it you’d have no future.

We don’t have a future

anyway!

In hours we’re gonna be

nuclear toast!

(Boyd humming)

Boyd isn’t complaining.

That’s because even without

Armageddon, Boyd didn’t have a

future.

My ruling stands.

And, need I add...

Nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah!

(Laughing)

Oh, I love doing that.

Here’s your homework.

There’s a test tomorrow and your

group projects are due Thursday.

Except for Pelswick’s.

Which will be dropping from the

sky on Friday.

(Sighing)

Hey, thanks for naming the

end of the world after me.

Really, nice touch.

(Sighing)

What are you gonna do

tonight?

I thought I might work on my

plans to hide out underground

until the radiation settles,

then lead the surviving rebel

forces in their fight against

the glowy-eyed mutant human

uprising.

Better than my plan.

I was gonna watch wrestling.

Where’s Goon?

PELSWICKShopping for

nuclear winter clothing.

I need something that says

hip and casual, and can

withstand a bunch of that

radiation stuff.

And, what the heck, one of those

hats where you pull a string on

top and the hands clap.

(Laughing)

(Sobbing)

I had so many dreams, but how

am I gonna humiliate every kid

in school in only hours?

You can’t do it at that pace.

It’s an art, not an assembly

line thing.

(Sniffing)

You can call me four-eyes.

I’m really sensitive about that.

Thanks.

I just need a little quiet

time here, okay?

What are you doing, Agnes?

I was wondering why, as we

age, we get smaller but our

underwear gets bigger.

Never mind that.

I’ve got a plan.

Oh, we’re not gonna kidnap

cute firemen again, are we?

Oh, no time for that.

We’ve gotta save the world.

You and me are gonna fly up to

the space station and blow it to

smithereens.

We’ve already got the dynamite.

We just need the rocket.

Um, I don’t know, Sandra.

Are we going to, like,

abandon two worthy causes and a

possible A in our group project,

just because the Earth’s about

to be consumed in nasty, yucky

flames?

You’re right, of course.

Who could, like, find it in

their heart to destroy the

habitat of a threatened

Malaysian gibbon, when it’s

wearing a pre-wrinkled Ignatio

Fulgari gown with matching

purse?

(Camera flashing)

♪ And he laid his hammer down

Oh, yeah.

Dad, shouldn’t you be at

work?

I quit.

But what about your promotion

at that, uh, place where you

work?

Ah, promotion, shmomotion.

I’ve been a fool, wasting my

life in a dry, academic

sinkhole, when I could’ve been

driving around in a microbus

following Megadirt.

Dad, I’m sorry about all

this.

I wish I’d discovered something

fun, like a potato shaped like a

female talk show host.

Which would actually be pretty

easy, when you think about it.

That’s okay, son.

The end of the world is no one’s

fault.

Except, of course, for those

corner-cutting Zosmians.

♪ They scrimped on fuel and fell

from the skies ♪

♪ So we were eaten by mutants

with glowy eyes ♪

Where’s Kate?

(Grunting)

Come on, estrogen.

I have hours to become a

successful businesswoman, wife

and mother.

♪

What are you doing up here?

And where’d you get those

outfits?

Oh, well, we bought ’em in

the gift shop.

Those are made of paper.

Oh, that doesn’t matter, cute

stuff.

We only need them long enough to

save the Earth.

(Laughing)

In case I don’t come back, give

these to my grandson.

Ooh, or Bruce Willis.

I’m sorry, ladies, but you

can’t get on that rocket.

(Thumping)

If the world wasn’t in

danger, I’d knit you a sweater.

World astern!

Yee haw!

Why make a crocodile into a

pair of boots, when it couldn’t

look better than the Manolo

Pushnik high-heeled pumps it’s

already wearing?

The Bayview sewer crocodile

is already suffering from a

shrinking habitat, due to the

popularity of low-flow toilets.

(Screaming)

Down!

We’re out of pork chops.

Get ready to run.

Remember, good taste never dies,

and neither should the animals

who wear it.

BOTHThank you.

(Applause)

(Laughing)

And that’s how we plan to

save the Earth.

You know, if it wasn’t going to

end on Thursday, thanks to

Pelswick.

It’s not my fault!

"Fake tape to play to

make people thing you’re on the

moon."

Ha!

I can’t see!

Ah, ah, I’m space blind!

No, you ain’t.

Your face wrinkles floated up

over your eyes.

Oh, that’s better.

(Siren wailing)

(Crashing)

How was wrestling?

Great, blood, headlocks, body

slams.

You know, kid stuff.

(Screaming)

I was right!

So, what are your plans?

I think I’ll become a

glowy-eyed mutant, roaming the

blighted terrain in search of

human flesh.

Booyah.

You want human leg, fellow

mutant?

Oh, can I get fries with

that?

Quite a serious decision.

Especially since you used to

want to be a lifeguard.

(Sobbing)

Even my tears are flat.

Now I’ll never be a member of

the Billionaire Babes Club, and

it’s all your fault!

Mr. Jimmy, where have you

been?

I been travelling.

It’s a circus out there.

Man, I haven’t had this much fun

since those million giant

bats escaped from that cave in--

No, wait, that hasn’t happened

yet.

How can you enjoy this?

It’s lawless pandemonium out

there.

Why can’t it be like in the

movies, where everyone unites in

the face of disaster?

No, they don’t.

Of course they do!

No, no, watch ’em again.

It’s always a ragtag team of

loners that does all the work.

Plus a goofy, tubby kid along

for comic relief.

And a cute puppy, and sometimes

a wise old grandma.

While everyone else makes stupid

plans that’ll never work.

If it lands here, I’ll jump

here.

But if it lands here, I’ll jump

over here.

I still think you could’ve

warned me.

I told you something big was

gonna end.

You didn’t say it was gonna

be the Earth!

It is?

Whoa, this is news.

It isn’t?

Come on, we’re buds.

I’d have told you that.

What’s the second-worst thing

besides the world ending?

School not ending?

Gotta go.

School...ragtag team?

♪

I’ll drill, you drop the

dynamite.

(Drilling)

(Speaking foreign language)

Hey, Agnes, what’s Zosmian for,

"Wake up, you dumb Zosmonaut,

and fire your retro rockets.

Your junky old space station’s

about to destroy the Earth"?

Uh, try, "Neep."

Hey, farm boy, neep!

Yikes!

(Speaking foreign language)

♪

Uh-oh.

You’ll always be my best friend.

ZEIGLERI know you’ve heard

a rumour that when the Earth’s

saved form Smockfordgeddon, you

don’t have summer school to

make up for lost work.

But it’s not true.

BOTHOh, yes, it is.

♪

(Crashing)

Uh, on second thought,

school’s out.

(Cheering)

GRAM-GRAM AND AGNESYahoo!

♪