02x12 - Kick Me Kate

[bunniefuu]

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(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

♪

(Struggling)

(Laughing)

(Struggling)

PELSWICKKeep pulling!

Tell me again how he got his

head stuck in here.

He did it on a dare.

Who would dare Goon to put

his head in a garbage can?

Actually, he did.

GOONI did!

I did!

(Laughing)

I am not gonna let this

happen!

This is--

Women everywhere-- I--

(Screaming)

(Crashing)

Pull over, miss.

Do you know how fast you were

going?

(Chuckling)

Sorry Pelswick, I have no

time for motorcycle cop humour

right now.

I’m going to avenge a great

wrong.

I thought you did that

yesterday.

Pigs are sweet not cafeteria

meat.

PELSWICKYou know, when you

protested the use of animals in

the cafeteria meat until we

found out there aren’t any

animals in the cafeteria meat.

(Screaming)

This is a different great

wrongSandra’s been suspended!

For what?

Violating school code number

.

Um, don’t ever have fun doing

anything ever?

That’s .

It’s the dress code.

Alcatraz has a dress code?

How is that possible?

My point exactly.

You have a little sister; you’ll

understand.

I’m fighting this fight for

females everywhere.

Since you’re busy is there

anything at all I can do for

you?

Anything?

That is so nice of you.

Let me see, could you, um--

Sir Boyd, I pray Sir Eggert

shall unhorse thee and win my

hand and an all expense paid

weekend for in sunny Puerto

Vallarta.

Whoa, whoa, wait up!

How come his is big and sharp

and all I’ve got is a little

stick with a suction cup thingy

at the end.

Time out!

Um, get my rd period

homework and drop it off at my

house?

Sure!

What a prince.

Thanks.

Gram-Gram, when you were

younger how did you know when a

boy found you attractive?

Why do you ask?

No reason.

It’s just that I’m considering

acquiring a boyfriend.

Oh, that’s so cute.

When do we get to meet him?

After everyone in the family

signs this affidavit swearing

they won’t show any pictures or

video of me taken over months

ago; describe my bathing habits,

past or present, in a

humiliating manner; or eat

pickles with their teeth out.

That last one hurt.

Where do I sign?

How can you suspend Sandra

for what she’s wearing?

Do you see what people wear to

the Oscars?

Last year, Sheila McStarlet wore

a live goat.

(Crowd cheering)

(Goat braying)

We have to have standards.

Standards?!

There’s a boy over there with a

skateboard tongue stud!

I don’t make the rules,

Julie, I only interpret them

according to my ever changing

personal whims.

Heads!

Ms. Higgs, from now on boys must

hop on one leg on Fridays.

Julie, Miss Scoddle can return

to class when she conforms to

normal attire--

or if you can tag me before I

reach the top of that filing

cabinet!

Woo hoo hoo!

(Laughing)

Guardian angel coming

through!

Let’s see, Eggert-- Eggert--

Oh, that’s right.

You’re scheduled for client

inventory.

For what?

Hold this.

Distance from underarm to light

pole metres.

Uh, what’s this for?

Love that sound.

Oh, insurance records, stock

keeping-- you understand.

Sound of client saying,

"Ahhh".

Stock keeping?

No, I don’t understa-- Ahhh!

Oh, number of paintbrush

quality hairs in left nostril:

.

No wait-- !

There was one in the back.

Thanks, that’s all we need for

today.

Stock taking.

I’m supposed to take stock of

something?

I’m supposed to buy stocks, or--

Just wanted to see if any of

the left nostril hairs wandered

over to the right.

Sorry, I’m done now.

(Sniffing)

(Moaning)

Since you’ve all signed this

legally binding document I have

an announcement.

(Clearing throat)

There’s a certain boy who I like

a lot.

His name is Rizzy Furlap and

he’s in th grade.

You have a significant

playground other?

That’s wonderful.

Would young Rizzy like to come

to dinner?

If you’ll promise not to play

any of your music or use the

words "back in the s."

Or maybe we could take Rizzo

to the fair this weekend.

Oh, he could watch me b*at up

the strong man.

Well, that’d be fun.

Izzy!

Hold it!

Rizzy Furlap?

♪

What do you know about this guy?

He’s ; what’s to know?

So that’s it?

Some quick talkin’ older man

whistles at you and all of a

sudden he’s comin’ to dinner and

goin’ to the fair and pushing a

straw through a bottle cap?

He can’t whistle.

He has a receding chin.

Oh, what’s the problem,

Pelswick?

I’m her big brother.

I’m your big brother.

How long have you known this

guy?

How come we haven’t met his

family?

Are they in jail?

I mean, what kind of future

could you have with a guy named

Rizzy Furlap?

Sure is hard cleanin’ clothes

with dirt, Rizzy.

We can’t afford no water,

woman.

Pelswick, don’t you think

you’re being a little harsh with

your sister?

No, I know what boys are

like; I’m one.

Oh well what’s that supposed

to mean?

Nothing.

Oh, I think it’s cute that

you’re so concerned about Kate.

You know, back in my day all men

were like that.

Oh, when we played croquet our

gentlemen callers, or swains as

we called them, oh, they always

gave the ladies an extra sh*t.

Oh, do over, see?

(Laughing)

It was so wonderful.

La la la la la la--

(Screaming)

Oh, holy moly, for the past

years I’ve completely forgotten

to date.

(Ringing)

Hello?

Ags, I just remembered

something.

What?

Men!

Crickey, I knew there was

something I forgot.

I thought it was to check the

expiration date on the milk.

♪

I’m gonna make up for lost

time by becoming a lean, mean

datin’ machine.

Oh, this calls for my low cut

walker.

Bring on the swains!

Then I ask a few simple

questions about the guy and they

all go berserk on me.

Nuts, right?

Has he been convicted of any of

the following kid crimes:

putting a beehive in another

kid’s sleeping bag, carving fake

molars with the intent to commit

tooth fairy fraud?

Was that unreasonable?

Was that overly controlling?

Actually, no.

But this might be.

(Beeping)

(Gasping)

She’s turning!

Alpha bravo, according to the

Low-Jill tracking device in

subject’s juice box she’s

heading south.

Run after her in your bush

costume intercepting all boys.

Right, your big nosed leader.

I couldn’t find a bush costume

so I’m a TV that fell off a

delivery truck.

But, I am on it.

Oh, as soon as I finish being

stolen.

Oh!

(Knocking)

Sandra, it’s Julie.

I’m staying out of school in

solidarity until we acknowledge

your right to dress how you

please.

What in the name of great greasy

pancakes is that?

A fire truck, silly.

It’s like a statement about how

our clothes and jobs define us.

You wore that to school?

No, this is what I wore to

gym class.

(Siren wailing)

(Honking)

Never mind.

That’s not the point.

The point is personal freedom.

The point is your right as a

student to-- to--

To what?

Like, where can we go eat that

has, like, a really wide front

door?

She’s too young; that’s just

all there is to it.

Boys are animals.

They use girls.

Hi.

I’m just shopping for a friend

who’s too busy organizing a

protest against inequality to

get her own lipstick.

Thanks.

Basically, just, you know,

they’re boys.

What can you expect?

They’re rough and crude.

They don’t care if a girl gets

hurt.

They walk all over girls and the

girls get nothing.

I wonder if Julie’d prefer "Kiss

me in the strawberry patch," or

"Luscious Mango"?

I better get ’em both.

I’d like you all to meet,

Rizzy Furlap.

Rizzy, meet my father.

Uh, hello, Mr. Eggert.

Louder!

Hello, Mr. Eggert!

Not that loud; he’s not deaf.

That’s my brother, Bobby, and my

older brother, Pelswick "The

Well Behaved or Else"!

Hi.

Hm.

(Thunder crashing)

Me steal girl.

(Growling)

Better not keep your father

waiting.

It was a delight to meet you,

Rizzy.

Don’t slouch.

We need to have a long talk;

older brother to younger

boyfriend.

Oh, well I’d love to, sir, as

soon as I’ve finished collating

Kate’s resume and organizing her

jotted down thoughts and notions

into a memoir suitable for

publication.

(Chuckling)

If he thinks he can get

around Pelswick Eggert he’s got

another thing comin’.

I hope this is thin enough.

Julie wanted it--

Sturdy but not stiff.

Thanks, you’re an angel.

So, what did you think?

(Moaning)

I’m thinking potential

husband/manager.

Tonight, he’s repainting my

fishbowl castle and tomorrow I’m

gonna make several outlandish

statements to see how well he

agrees with me.

(Chuckling)

Good night.

What am I doing?

I’m protecting my sister.

That’s like protecting the

Jurassic Park T-rex from that

chained up goat.

She doesn’t need defending; he

does!

(Doorbell ringing)

Mr. Eggert, sir?

Rizzy, I’ve been taking stock

of my life and you’re not going

to take this anymore.

Oh, I-- I’m not, sir?

We have to take a stand.

We have to put down the girls’

homework; put down the lipstick

sample colour book, the shoe

heel rounding off tool, and the

fishbowl castle paintbrush; and

say, "Enough is enough!"

Repeat after me"We’re mad as

heck and we’re not gonna take it

anymore!"

(Sniffing)

Could I repeat it later, sir?

’Cause I think I smell Kate’s

lunch brownie burning in the o--

No, Rizzy!

BOTHWe’re mad as heck and

we’re not gonna take it anymore!

GRAM-GRAMOh, I’ll take that

one.

AGNESI’ll take that big

handsome one in the corner.

They’ll be right with you,

ladies.

Woo hoo!

The great thing about dating at

our age is we don’t have to meet

their parents.

(Crashing)

MANLet go of me!

Where shall we let them take

us first?

MANIt’s euchre night.

Well, the Cherry Fair’s in

town.

MANYou’re twistin’ my

goitre.

They’re due back tomorrow by

dawn.

But sir, I just want to do

whatever Kate tells me to.

No!

That’s what you think you want.

That’s because you’ve spent a

lifetime thinking how to please

girls but they don’t respect

that.

They don’t?

You’ve gotta stop all the

degrading, humiliating stuff you

do for her.

You’ve gotta stop sharpening her

ice-skates and doing her

laundry.

Don’t you see it’s time you

stood up for yourself?

Uh, sir, could I stand up for

myself after I’ve--

No!

Stick with me, Rizzy.

I’m not gonna let you make my

mistakes all over again.

Ring the bell and win me a

prize!

(Struggling)

Oh, I’d forgotten dating was

this much fun.

(Cracking)

(Moaning)

Hey Benjamin, let’s test out

that pacemaker of yours on the

upside down ride of shaking,

screaming terror!

Sir, I apologize for

bothering you on the weekend.

Your wife said you sometimes

come here and stand outside the

cookie factory with your mouth

open.

One of these days a stray

cookie is bound to go flying

over the wall and right into my

mouth.

But, about Sandra Scoddle--

Julie, I have nothing against

fire truck outfits.

I have one just like it in

chartreuse but I don’t wear it

to school.

What is that?

You, like, like it?

It’s French.

Sorry girls, my decision

stands.

Then you leave me no other

choice but to appeal this matter

to a review session of the

school board.

Oh, how exciting.

I’ll, like, have to wear a

special outfit.

(Sighing)

Oh, a cookie!

Mm.

Big nose leader, the crooks

got bucks for me from the

pawn shop guy and he’s asking

for me now but I think you could

get him down to .

Don’t you hate it when you

get your head stuck in one that

doesn’t pop?

That’s better.

You look better with it on.

Just one more question for

the client inventoryhow many

times a month do you bathe in

melted butter?

Never.

We’ll say .

Hm.

Photograph of that little thing

in the back of your throat.

Wow, cave drawings!

Don’t erase those; they provide

valuable evidence--

Enough!

I got the hinttake stock of

your life.

I did.

And I’m helping another kid too.

And we never felt so good.

Well then you don’t need me.

I never need you.

Hi.

Hi, Kate.

Hi, Rizzy.

Hi.

Rizzy, wasn’t there something

you wanted to tell my sister?

Uh-- uh-- uh-- uh--

Don’t mumble!

Uuuhhh!

Oh, popcorn!

Say, Rizzy, doesn’t this popcorn

look bright blue to you?

Uh-- uh-- uh--

Go ahead, Rizzy.

Tell her what colour the popcorn

is.

Girls don’t like hesitant

boys, Rizzy.

It’s bright blue isn’t it.

(Gulping)

Isn’t it more of a bluish

yellow?

(Gasping)

Get out!

Huh?!

Get out and go home!

Then bring over all my stuff

you’re fixing and then get out

again!

You were right about him.

He’s a selfish, moody, heart

breaker.

Some bluish yellow popcorn?

Oh, I’d forgotten how much

fun dating could be.

We’ve had a trip to the fair,

skydived down to a boat, and now

we’re gonna have a nice fish

dinner.

Oh!

GRAM-GRAMHey Bernie, reel

it in.

The tartar sauce is gettin’

warm!

Oh!

Agh!

There’ll be other girls.

You don’t know how lucky you

are.

You could have ended up married

to her.

Oh, she was the love of my

life.

She lit a light so bright all

others will henceforth seem

pale.

And I will search in vain for

her equal.

She told you that didn’t she?

And she had me print it on a

card for my wallet.

Mr. Eggert, how come I didn’t

get the respect that you got

when you told your girl you

weren’t takin’ none o’ her sass.

I, uh, haven’t exactly had a

chance yet.

She’s at some kind of meeting.

So, ladies and gentlemen, in

summary, Sandra Scoddle’s only

crime is being an individual.

(Snoring)

If we don’t encourage

individuality--

(Gasping)

Oh, oopsie.

Sorry I’m late.

My, like, observation deck got

caught in the bus mirror.

So, go ahead.

Um, because individuality

is--

Well, it’s the thing that we--

uh-- it’s-- uh--

What are you thinking!?

Of course you can’t wear a model

of the world’s tallest

freestanding structure to gym

class!

I thought you like my wild

outfits.

No!

I think they’re idiotic.

Then why are you here in

front of the school board

defending them!?

Sandra, I’m defending your

right to express yourself by

wearing clothes that are

unpopular.

(Gasping)

I wore something, like,

unpopular?!

Didn’t you know?

(Screaming)

GRAM-GRAMBenji!

AGNESBernie!

Benji, baby!

Bernie!

Come out, come out, wherever you

are.

Oh, we lost ’em.

Oh, let’s go back to the home.

Oh, the heck with that.

Let’s go to a different home in

case they come lookin’ for us.

I will not fix Julie’s shoes.

(Struggling)

(Sighing)

Just a few more things.

How many forehead wrinkles do

you get when you sniff this?

(Screaming)

One, two, three, four, five,

six, seven; great!

Now, if you’ll just check off

yes or no to these--

No, I don’t care if it’s

time for your annual client

inventory.

This and this and this and

especially this are none of your

business.

None of your business--

Whoa.

I was mad at Kate for doin’ to

Rizzy what Julie does to me

except she doesn’t do it to me?

Is there anything at all I can

do for you?

You’re out of lipstick?

Let me buy you some.

I’m not doing anything.

Can I mend those shoes for ya?

(Screaming)

I do it to myself!

Not because she makes me, but

because it makes me feel good.

So, I’m sorry I interfered.

Rizzy seems nice and I think you

should give him a second chance.

How’s she taking it, sir?

Come on out, Rizzy.

Gum.

Let’s go play.

And bring the yellow popcorn.

Big nose leader, I faked my

way through the cartoons but I

really need to be rescued before

they watch "Funniest Pet

att*cks," over.

No cartoon animals were

harmed in the making of this

television episode.

Thank you

(Braying)

♪