02x06 - Oh Bully, Where Art Thou?

[bunniefuu]

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(Honking)

Whoa!

Whoa!

Ah!

♪

Go, Pelswick!

Let her rip, dude!

Whoa!

(Crashing)

(Gasping)

(Yelling)

Congratulations!

If that’s, you know, what you

were going for.

I never miss that trick.

Whoa!

Oh.

Wha!

(Groaning)

Ah!

Well, I almost never miss it.

Actually, don’t sweat it,

dude.

% of all gamers crash.

That’s right.

I wiped out right here big time

yesterday.

Yeah, Goon, but you were

walking.

I can’t crash in the

Paraquest Games.

I’m entered in half-pipe

freestyle and street luge.

I’ve just got to win one of

them.

And you’re skinny!

And you’ve got zits!

And I’ve got your shoes!

And-- We’ll pick this up

tomorrow.

That was only minutes.

You’re not the only person in

the world I humiliate, you know.

(Chair whirring)

Well, if it isn’t Tragic

Johnson.

Ladies and gentlemen, the

feeble insult stylings of Mr.

Boyd Scullarzo.

Saw you wipe out.

Can’t wait to see you do it at

the competition Friday, in front

of a thousand people!

Don’t be jealous, Boyd.

If they ever define crippling

body odour as a disability,

you’ll be able to enter.

I can’t stand here talking to

you all day.

I’ve got some letters to mail.

If that’s your Club For Smart

Guys application, the stamps go

on the front.

When I became your mayor, I

promised to straighten out this

city.

I believe I can do it with this

streak.

By cutting down this ugly old

tree first thing Monday morning.

(Gasping)

No longer will this

once-proud thoroughfare be

littered with hubcaps, garbage

and unconscious paperboys.

Hey!

Listen to yourselves!

This isn’t an ugly old tree.

This is the Bayview Oak!

Is our civilization so debased,

so blasé that no one will take a

stand to protect the oldest

living thing in this town?

(Crickets chirping)

Really good talking of words,

there, Julie.

Way to go!

Thank you, Goon.

But it will take more than

well-spoken words to protect

this tree.

You’re not going to do

something radical, are you?

I’m guessing that’s a "yes".

MAN OVER TVWelcome back to

the Wheelers Half-pipe

Competition.

Now dropping, Joe "Silver Seat"

Becker.

PELSWICKA to a

dead head toe tap drop in.

Now, that’s style.

On Saturday, how would you

like to carry a good luck charm

from your little sister on your

winning ride?

A good luck charm?

Not that you’ll need it.

You’re so talented.

You think so?

You are going to win, right?

’Cause I got a lot invested in

this.

Uh, family-pride-wise, that is.

Sure, I’d be happy to carry

your little charm with me.

I’m so glad we have a

legally-binding verbal contract.

Where’s Gram-Gram?

Yarrick.

Yarrick!

Go away!

I don’t training anybody no

more.

How you been, you old piece

of shoe leather?

I need a trainer for the Geezer

Games.

Do I know you?

(Cheering)

Why are you not trying triple

somersault with feeding the

bird, watering the plants and

typing the limerick?

I can’t do it!

You’re not trying!

It’s impossible.

The most I can do in

mid-somersault is water the

plant, feed the bird, and maybe

write a rhyming couplet.

"There once was a man from

Birmingham,

who would eat his ham with some

jam."

You’re soft!

Anyone can do anything they are

trying.

Yeah?

Well, then why can’t you get rid

of that ridiculous accent?

I only being in the country

three months.

That was all being long time

ago.

I am now old man with accent.

What happened to "Anyone can

do anything they want"?

Times change.

My boxers are reduced to

sparring with members of the

Bayview Symphony Orchestra.

And I am forced to eating the

cement between the bricks of

gymnasium.

Yarrick, my grandson’s in the

Paraquest Games!

He’s inspired me to climb back

on that pommel horse.

This is my chance to show him

what the old lady’s got.

Hmm.

I can’t believe that creep

Boyd!

I’d like to see him try this!

One kid at a time, okay?

Whoa!

Hey, Mr. Jimmy.

Nice .

What ?

I was just trying to find the

produce section!

Are you here to give me

pointers on the Paraquest Geezer

Games?

No pointers.

Hey, do you believe Boyd today?

What a creep.

So, what else is new?

But today, what a creep.

I hope something real bad

happens to him.

I wouldn’t go that far.

I hope his hair falls out.

Oh, no, wait.

I hope he gets his ear caught in

one of those ice rink, washing,

scraping, cleaning machines.

That’s be funny.

(Laughing)

Whoa!

That’s a nice sentiment, but

was there any particular reason

you dropped by?

Maybe I’ll pull his tongue

out and tie it to a

stamp-wetting machine.

I got to go.

It’s illegal to take these from

the parking lot.

Whee!

(Bell ringing)

I don’t know, Julie.

Sandra, a patch of old-growth

forest was saved last year by a

young woman just like us who

lived in a tree for four months.

I remember her.

She did lots of interviews.

Has fame changed you in any

way?

Is it true that your best

friend’s now a squirrel?

I’d love to join you in this

important, and possibly

televised, crusade.

As honorary chairman of these

games, I want to welcome you all

to the Paraquest Geezer Games.

Excitement is in the air.

Oh, Pelswick, can I put that

good luck thing in the back of

your chair now?

Sure.

Hey, Pel-spaz.

Catch!

Oof.

This is pathetic.

You call this a sport?

Can one of these guys play

baseball like me?

No!

Can they high-jump like me?

No!

Can they dunk a basketball like

me?

They could smell like you,

but unfortunately, they showered

this month.

Laugh it up, Spine-Stein.

I know something you don’t!

Oh, don’t mind him.

He can only stand on the

sidelines and yell in impotent

rage as you win medal after

medal.

You are going to win medal after

medal, aren’t you?

(Microphone giving feedback)

I have an announcement--

Ouncement-- Ouncement--

Ouncement...

(Laughing)

I love doing that!

Due to a large number of

anonymous written requests for

greater inclusivity, this year’s

games are open to the

able-bodied.

What?!

As long as they compete in

wheelchairs and on crutches like

everyone else.

BOYDSurprise!

(Laughing)

(Coughing)

Told you he was a creep.

(Grunting)

Ten more!

I can’t.

Look at you.

Weak!

Giving up.

You’re getting soft.

I give up once.

"Too hard," I said.

What happening to me now?

I’m eating all the cement in my

building.

Do you want to win or do you

want not to win?

Whoa!

Actually, you’ve got nothing

to worry about, you know.

Except for Boyd b*ating you and

being harassed for the rest of

your life.

I’m over the shock.

I’m looking at the positive side

now.

Whoa!

I wonder why Julie and Sandra

aren’t here.

Oh, they’re probably up that

tree.

Tree?!

Sandra, what were you

thinking?!

What do you mean?

Well, as one example of what

I mean, what is this?

My walk-in closet!

If there’s going to be, like,

interviews, I can’t wear the

same outfit for the CBC as I do

for CNN.

Sandra, we’re trying to save

this tree!

Not turn it into deluxe condos!

(Rumbling)

You do the passion thing,

I’ll do the media relations

thing, okay?!

I’d like to order a medium pizza

delivered, please.

Big endangered oak tree,

Bayview.

Boyd’s useless.

But he’s leading on points.

Hey, look, I’m a wheelchair

athlete.

It’s kind of freaky how

everyone else wiped out, or

their wheels fell off.

Ah!

Way to go, Boyd!

Way to go!

You’ve got to be able to b*at

that.

Watch me.

(Cheering)

Something’s wrong.

It’s off balance.

Limited edition Paraquest

Geezer medallions for sale right

here.

Help!

Oh, too bad!

And the winner, with, um, two

and a quarter points, is Boyd

Scullarzo!

Yee-haw!

You told me you were going to

win!

Now what am I going to do with

these?

What are they?

They were my college fund.

They were going to be worth a

fortune.

How do you like my medal?

I’ve been walking around showing

it off.

Great.

When the nose-picking finals

come around, you’ll have two.

Ignore him, man.

Yeah, nobody pay any

attention to him.

Whoa!

A medal!

Can I see it?!

Ooh, it’s so shiny.

My brother’s going to crush

you in the street luge.

Then we’ll see whose

commemorative coins are worth

more.

Kate, it’s not about coins.

Quiet!

You’re an athlete.

You have no head for business.

Welcome to the street luge.

Only two uninjured athletes

remain!

Sure you don’t want to get up

and stretch your legs before the

race?

(Laughing)

Remember, no pressure.

This only makes the difference

for me between Oxford and a

minimum-wage cashier job at the

Floor Mart.

See you at the bottom.

On your mark, get set, touch

your nose, eat some corn...

Draw a picture of a happy

gnome, and go!

I just remembered, I have a

gift for you.

It’s that sand for your wheel

bearings.

Bye, Pels-loser.

This town ain’t accessible

enough for the both of us.

(Laughing)

Hey, Boyd!

What?!

Nothing.

Ah!

(Screaming)

My makeup mirror!

(Cheering)

Whoo!

Pelswick, you’re the winner!

I mean, the award goes to you.

Look!

These heirloom-quality

medallions were in the winner’s

chair.

(Siren wailing)

You’re ready, Priscilla.

You finally got the wrinkle of

the tiger.

What’s going on?

Didn’t you hear?

This is such a turn of events, I

can hardly tell you.

Boyd’s medal?

Isn’t it beautiful?

Not Boyd’s medal.

Are you sitting down?

Well, of course you are.

Boyd’s in a wheelchair.

No.

Actually, yes.

After all the stupid cracks he’s

made about you over the years,

now’s your chance to get him

back, man.

Everyone’s waiting for him to

show up so you can tear him into

little tiny bully shreds.

Two, four, six, eight!

Scorn and mock and denigrate!

Yay!

Go ahead, get it over with.

Hi, Boyd.

I...

Hope you feel okay.

(Laughing)

He hopes he feels okay.

(Laughing)

Am I the only one who got it?

Don’t tell me you feel sorry

for me?

Well...

I don’t have to take that

from you!

Ah!

(Laughing)

And now, vocabulary.

Pelswick, can you use the words

"Boyd Wheelchair" and

"Haw-haw-haw" in a sentence?

Uh...

"When Boyd gets out of

his wheelchair, he’ll be so

happy, he’ll say,

’Haw-haw-haw’".

And that’s why we cannot let

this tree, like the very tree

that Robin Hood was buried

under, be ripped from its

earthly umbilical cord.

What kind of tree is it?

A big, like, leafy one?

I don’t know!

My partner has the details.

Save the tree!

AllSave the tree!

Save the tree!

Save the tree!

Sandra, what’s going on?

Save the tree!

Save the tree!

Save the tree!

Hardened news professionals

have cast aside their, like,

cherished neutrality to embrace

this cause.

No, don’t!

It’s not safe!

What are you all lying around

for?

You have an uplink

deadline!

Go on, hit me.

I can take it.

I don’t really want to.

This stuff’s kind of

insulting.

That’s the whole idea.

I’ve lost my edge.

I’ve got to get back in the

zone.

I need you to remind me how he

treats me every day.

Go ahead.

Hey, jelly legs.

Okay, more.

Give me more of that.

Well, if it isn’t "Tred"

Flintstone.

(Laughing)

That’s a good one.

Okay.

Okay, I’m feeling it.

More!

"Crip" Van Winkle.

Butter knees.

"No-leg" Cassini.

You stupid dead butt, big

nose.

Ah!

Okay, I feel it!

I’m ready.

I hear you’ve got something

to say to me.

I sure do!

I-- I wanted to say, I’ve got an

extra butt pad, if you want to

borrow it.

Head solo.

Go, dude.

Yeah, yeah, yeah!

I can’t do it.

I can’t enjoy Boyd’s humiliation

and misery.

No?

Heck, I can.

What’s gotten into you?

Helping me is one thing, but

insulting and gloating and

laughing at pain and misery?

That’s just mean.

You’re acting like-- Like--

You wish you could?

Yeah.

Maybe the reason you’re not

having fun at someone else’s

expense is you’re not a creep.

So being a creep isn’t as

much fun as being a decent guy?

Are you kidding?

I didn’t think so.

Of course it is.

It’s a blast.

Oh, well, don’t tell me that.

The creeps have the life.

They get the best cars, they

laugh more, ’cause someone’s

always--

Thank you, that’s fine.

But on the other hand, who

wants to be a creep?

Look at Gram-Gram go!

Inspirational!

(Cheering)

Hey, Pels-wheels.

Notice something?

Aren’t you going to say

something smart?

I b*at you once, Boyd, and it

felt good.

I don’t need to do it again.

Unlike you, I learned something.

Like what?

Well, I learned never to

stand on a big, white "X".

Huh?

Ah!

(Cheering)

Prissy!

You being success!

Get your winning

commemorative medallions with my

brother’s face scratched off and

my Gram-Gram’s face hammered on!

And they’re only...

Let me see, how much do I need?

Mayor Breadcup isn’t going to

like this.

No, but the press will, like,

eat it up.

Did you know that this tree is

from the seed of the very orange

that fell on Galileo’s head?

It was Newton, and an apple.

Whatever!

♪