02x12 - The Duke's a Hazard

[bunniefuu]

Oh, the courthouse lovers are back.

And they're Lady in the Tramping.

I think I liked it better when
they were open-mouthed kissing.

Is this what it takes to fall in love?

I have to suck a wet noodle
from someone's mouth.

Worst part is,
we're not serving spaghetti,

so they had to bring that from home.

When I say "Hock," you say "Ey."

- Hock!
- Ey!

- Hock!
- I'd keep going,

but I can feel
the way Dan's looking at me.

We have tickets to a Ranger game.

Great. Otherwise, that chant
would have been stupid.

Abby got us these jerseys.

"Your name"? See you shelled
out to personalize it.

The web site was very confusing.

I also ordered a ton of
jockstraps without realizing it.

They also say "your name."

I've got some exciting plans, too.

When I say "I'm," I say "leaving."

I'm leaving, I'm leaving.

By the way, the guy over there
just stole a tray of croissants,

if you give a puck.

Oh. I got this.

Hey, what do you think you're doing...

not kissing me?

Gurgs, this is why
you always have a cold.

Everybody, this is
my boyfriend, Alistair Tully,

the Duke of Greybog.

Duke, this is the everybody
of night court.

That's night with an N.

Not the kind you're used to
with the armor and the dragons.

And is my accent disgusting to you?

Such a pleasure to meet you.

You're all drastically different
from what I imagined.

I may look like I'm holding it together,

- but inside I'm reeling.
- [CHUCKLES]

Oops. I'm stealing something, too.

I hope nobody comes up and kisses me.

Excuse me. I got to go give him a kiss.

Okay.

I do apologize for stealing.

I always forget you have
to pay for things.

We royals don't carry money.
It's quite traumatizing

trying to make change
from your grandmother.

I can't believe you surprised me.

And I can't believe
what we did in the ladies' room.

And I can't believe that's what
those croissants were for.

[LAUGHS]

I hope you don't mind
that I turned up unannounced.

I just thought it would be
a nice switch-about

from our monthly island romps.

Monthly? How have you managed to do that

- without missing a day of work?
- One of the perks

of dating a royal... we're both
assigned body doubles.

And before you ask, yes,

our body doubles
have had sex with each other.

Ah. My apologies, My Lord.

I never should have left your
side in this dreadful place.

Judge, this is my valet, Duncan.

I have known him since I was in nappies.

He is like a butler to me.

Ah. I'm moved to the brink of emotion.

Oh, good.

I say, I have your schedule
with Lady Gurgs.

Tonight, you will enjoy a
Michelin star nine-course meal

featuring edible gold and inedible fish.

[GASPS] You can't tell which one

is making you nauseous,
and that's the excitement of it.

Gurgs, my love, this weekend,
we're going to hit the town.

Why does one say that... "hit the town"?

Has the town been naughty?

Ah! Quite a brilliant observation, sir.

Yes, you're a regular
Jerome Seinfeld, as it were.

Yada yada indeed, sir.

Now, shall we get you
changed for dinner?

Oh, all right. Uppies!

Yes. Ah!

Oh! All right.

Well, I shall see
you presently, my love.

I really like him. And he's such a duke.

I mean, he brings his own tablecloth.

I've been on trips, and I didn't
even bring my own toothbrush.

Yeah, he's the best.
But if I'm being honest,

there are times when I wish
it was just me and Alistair

and not the Duke of Greybog
and Lady Gurgs of Hackensack.

I get that.

Back home,
I used to walk the mayor's dog.

So, yeah, I've felt
the proximity to power, too.

I mean, what am I going to say?

"Let's go to a hockey game
instead of a once-in-a-lifetime

dining experience in the Statue
of Liberty's torch?"

You could, hockey's great.
Has he seen a Zamboni?

It's all the fun of a car
with the speed of a lawn mower.

You know, don't even listen to me.

The Duke and I have a good thing going.

It's the type of romance people leave

a supporting role on "Suits" for.

[CLEARS THROAT]
If you won't be needing me,

I'll just bugger on back
to the Radisson then.

I don't care how mad
you are about taxes,

you can't steal tea from a Starbucks

and dump it in the Hudson. $500 fine.

Well done, my love.

Book that traitor!
Clappies, please, Duncan.

Oh, yes.

What's up with that guy? Is he
one of those no talky guards?

Look at me. I'm not saying anything.

Well, you should date him, Olivia.

You're perfect for each other.

He doesn't talk, and you don't listen.

You know, I think
he might be perfect for me.

He doesn't talk and I don't listen.

I kind of like having
these fancy Brits around.

More James Bond, less bail bond.

You know, that one's been
giving you dirty

- looks all night.
- Yeah. What's his problem?

- Maybe he hates your face.
- Mm.

Hey, "Remains of the Day,"
what's your deal?

Well, if you must know,

I hate your stupid face.

I like that he added "stupid."

Any chance would your surname be Elmore?

Elmore? Yes.

It was generations ago,
when the UK was relevant.

Oh. Well, in that case,
be a good chap and burn in hell,

you traitors pig!

You know, that's the third time
somebody called you that today.

But his accent makes me
want to know why.

Well, our families have
a feud going back centuries.

You see, the Elmores were varlets

to the great houses of England.

That is, until they abandoned
their posts shamefully,

like cowards, rather than serve
on the front lines.

Let me get this straight.
You're mad at me

because my ancestors skipped out
on fighting in a w*r?

I never said "fight."

I said "serve."

You Elmores ran away,

leaving our boys with no desserts.

Those tummy rumbles
shall follow you to your grave.

[CHUCKLES] That is the rudest
waiter I've ever met.

Ooh! Cappuccino jellybean,

you are guilty of being delicious.

- I'm throwing you in the slammer.
- [JELLYBEAN CLATTERS]

We got a runner. Oh.

Sorry to interrupt during meal time.

Five-second rule.
It's my last cappuccino.

Indeed. Have you seen Gurgs?

We have a dinner date
and her carriage awaits.

It is a carriage drawn by corgis.

Nothing quite matches
the pleasure of being pulled

along by an animal
with a one-inch stride.

I'll keep an eye out.

Just so you know, eating off
the floor in this country

is totally normal. Ask anyone.

Don't ask anyone.

Well, I think it's tremendous

what you people have done
with your freedom.

[VIDEO GAME SOUND EFFECT]

Is someone playing a video game
in this closet?

Gurgs?

Abby? See? I could do it, too.

Love your new place.
It's a real fixer-downer.

- What's going on?
- I don't know.

I'm definitely not hiding
from my boyfriend. Ha!

Why would you think that?

Because I'm a little stressed
and I need a little break?

You sound crazy.

Good to know
it's not that, but if it was

because Alistair showed up unannounced

with a royal entourage
and blew up your weekend plans,

I'd understand.

You sure you don't want to
just tell him how you feel?

Also, explain that
the American five-second rule

is prevailing medical wisdom.

Talking to him won't do any good.

He's a royal. He can't change that.

Okay, but this is not
a long-term solution.

I'm worried that fumes
from these cleaning supplies

are going to cause brand dimage.

Sorry, I meant to say brain garage.

Maybe I should say something.

I'll just say I need a little
less pomp and circumstance.

There you are!
Pomp and Circumstance and I

have been worried sick.

What is this ghastly place?

Pomp, Circumstance, shield your eyes.

This is just, um... It's, uh...

Oh, it's my ghastly place. Yeah.

I just come in here
and I kick back, put on my hat,

and I drink my...

- yogurt?!
- Yeah.

Yeah, I love me a nice room temp yog.

How do you Americans select your judges?

Is it by game show?

Hey, soldier, hasn't anyone
ever told you

it's not polite to stare?

You know, maybe silence
is where emotions truly thrive.

Wow. You are so deep.

Can you believe that British
weasel holding a grudge

for something that my family
did 300 years ago?

This is America.

A man should be hated
based upon his own actions.

I mean, I started as the oil boy

frying beignets at Café Du Monde,

and I've climbed my way up to
being a very respected lawyer.

A very employed lawyer.

According to this, some people believe

the Elmores were tricked
into abandoning their posts

so the Duncans could steal
the best valet jobs.

Golly, so he's saying that
my family were sniveling cowards

when all they were were
just gullible idiots.

If your family studied for years,

they couldn't rise
to the level of gullible idiots.

Where did you get that glove?

- It was in my salad.
- Ugh.

With that slap, you've set
in motion a series of events

from which you cannot turn back.

Yeah, I know exactly what I did.

- What exactly did I do?
- [MUTTERING]

You just challenged him to a valet-off.

Oh, my God, it's a duel.

Dan, you might have to k*ll a guy.

Ah! What?!

Sorry. Should have kept reading.

It's a duel of decorum.

Man, we never get to k*ll anyone.

Why does slapping people with gloves

always involve me
in the stupidest things?

Ah, I see you've moved up
from the floor to the bin.

Yes, but I'm eating
over the trash, not out of it.

I was hoping for some advice.

I could see that something
was bothering Gurgs

at dinner, she hardly cracked
a smile at my travel jester.

And I've never seen him smash tomatoes

on his face quite like that.

Um, no. Maybe try
to do something more normal.

Like, uh, Gurgs was really
looking forward

- to going to a hockey game.
- Hockey?

The sport we made up to prank Canadians?

You can take my tickets and my jersey.

It says "your name" on the back.

- Oh, my name?
- No. "Your name."

- Yes, my name.
- No. The words "your name."

- Oh, it says "your name."
- It does?

Well, hockey match it is.

I'll have Duncan ready the corgis.

Okay. I feel like you're not
totally getting

- the concept of normal.
- I'm not getting it.

I don't get anything.
I just smile and nod

until somebody helps me.

Okay, okay, I'll help you.
But I'm warning you.

Once you wade into normal,
there is no turning back.

It's gonna suck.

Oh-oh, it's gonna suck real hard.

You think you can handle it, the Duke?

Well, I have to, for Gurgs.

Show me your normal ways,
you filthy nobody!

Behold the royal cutlery.

To get a clean spoon, we had
to fly it in from England.

You're seriously going through
with this valet-off?

Nah, it's not happening.

Apparently you need an impartial
judge with royal blood.

Where are we finding
one of those in this place?

Good news. I found
one of those in this place.

May I present Kenneth,
Lord of Devonshire.

[IMITATING TRUMPET CALL]

Kenny? From whom did he descend?

The Dairy Queen?

Turns out he actually has royal blood.

An oracle prophesized he would
one day ascend the throne.

So a kindhearted woodsman sent him here

to protect him
from his duplicitous uncle.

I like Jell-O.

Look, I simply cannot
do another normal thing.

But you're doing great.

You've used a bathroom
at a Trader Joe's.

You let a dog sniff you.
You let a man sniff you.

That was a man? I rubbed his belly!

Your journey to normal finishes here.

- A dungeon?
- Much worse. A subway.

Absolutely not. No!

Beneath the surface of the
Earth, my title means nothing.

This is a rat's domain!
They serve a different king.

You're scared. And you should be.

You will get bumped into.

You will step in mystery puddles.

You will end up in
the background of a TikTok,

and all the comments will be,

"Hey, what's with the weird
old lady sucking crumbs

out of a bag of chips? LOL."

And you'll only find out
because a group of teens

outside of Shake Shack will yell,

"Hey, old lady, where's your chip bag?"

And that's being normal.

That's where I've seen you.

Your destiny lies beyond that turnstile.

But that filthy thing's touched

- every crotch in the city!
- Ah.

That's what makes New York
the greatest place on Earth.

We're all joined at the crotch.

Okay. Keep walking.
I'm teaching a duke a lesson!

Well, all right,
at least when it's over,

I'll be on the subway train.

And I assume that's quite lovely.

Yeah, sure.

Oh! That's gone!

That has to be burnt.

It's just a matter of...

I mean, all I have
to do is... I simply...

I mean, it's obvious. I...
No, I can't do it.

I give up, carry me home.

Hey, do it for Gurgs.

Yes.

For Gurgs!

Tally-ho!

Oh! Ohh!

I'm a normal.

Girl, you're missing it.

Dan's getting spanked by the guy he hit

with the rubber glove.

For the napkin challenge,
Duncan folded his

into a perfect swan,
and Dan's caught fire.

Time for the final challenge.

The English tea service.

You may as well run away.

After all, that is what Elmores do best.

No, Duncan, because
the Elmores didn't run then,

and they're not running now.

I am going to stand here
and watch you kick my ass

with poise and dignity.

If you cry, I'll clear the room.

We're really pulling
for you, Dan. [LAUGHS]

Okay, I'm pulling for you.

We will talk about this in the car.

Elmore, you should know
I've never spilled a drop.

At university, I was a starter

on the varsity tea service team
as a freshman.

All right, well,
let's get this over with.

- [ALL GASP]
- Oh, my goodness.

What are the odds that I would break it

and then sort of glue
it back together again?

The tea is a royal standard


Or as you Americans might say,
it's freaking hot, bro.

Something you don't know
about me, Duncan.

I am the most scalded oil boy
in Café Du Monde history.

These hands have been deep fried.

They're nothing but callous,
and they feel practically...

nothing.

Paddington's marmalade!
How is he doing that?

Hey, watch the crown
jewels there, Ringo!

Ah! I have dribbled.

I'm disgraced.

I have lost to an Elmore.
I am no more than a buffoon.

Don't look at me!

- Aah!
- Oh!

Aah!

- I guess you won.
- [LAUGHS]

You can probably put the teapot down.

Ah.

I cannot. I think it is
a part of me forever.

Thirsty?

Look at this normal guy doing everything

but eating out of the trash.

Gurgs and I are going
to have so much fun.

I've even practiced an American laugh.
[LAUGHS GUTTURALLY]

Alistair, why are you dressed like that?

Are you pranking Canadians again?

My love, I'm taking you
on the date of your dreams...

a subway ride to the Rangers game.

And your friend
can even tag along in case

we drop some food on the ground.

Oh, my God, this is.

- [GASPS] This is...
- Exactly what you wanted?

Uh-huh. Because you changed
for me, and that's...

Good? Sweet? Adorable?

All of it. [GASPS] I'm not freaking out!

[GASPING] My chest is tight
because I'm happy!

Ah! I got to go.

Gurgs, come back!

Your dirt friend
doesn't need to come with us.

- [KNOCK ON DOOR]
- There's no one here, just us mops.

Think I wouldn't open
this door to see talking mops?

What happened back there?

I've never had anyone change
like that for me.

But what if he sees the mop
closet yogurt junky side of me

and he... he realizes
I wasn't worth changing for?

You know, people are like jelly beans.

When you find your flavor, you love them

even if they're covered in lint

because they've been through
the dryer cycle

a couple of times.

You, Gurgs, you're toasted marshmallow.

You're everyone's favorite flavor.

If they don't like you,
they can choke on a Tic Tac.

You have to say that. You're my friend.

- But I don't, do I?
- Don't listen to me.

- Listen to you.
- I'm not your mate.

I'm a perfect stranger who had
to study you inside and out,

and I think you're a wonderful lady.

Take it from me.
You are worth changing for.

I couldn't have said it better myself.

Really?

Well, there's something you should know.

This isn't Abby's closet. It's mine.

When the world is too much,
I come in here,

play video games, and drink out of this.

No.

- We drink out of this.
- [CHUCKLES]

- Mm. Oh.
- Mm?

I also have an admission.

When I first saw the turnstile,

I thought it might rub my front
and my bum at the same time

and I would never want to leave.

Oh, my man is a freak,
and I love it. [LAUGHS]

I think we should get out of here

and give these two some privacy.

Oh, sorry, I don't think
I got your name.

- Fergs.
- Oh, "Furgs" for Fake Gurgs.

For Ferguson.
I'm a person, you dumb yank.

It is I, Elmore the Great,
strongest of my line,

slayer of simpering sneaks.

- About that.
- Hmm.

I did more research.

Turns out, in 1426,
the Elmores were saved

from a drawbridge collapse

and pledged eternal fealty
to their saviors,

- the Devonshires.
- The Devonshires.

Isn't that Kenny's last name?

Indeed.

I'm your boss now, D-dog.

Draw me a bath.

And draw a lady in it, too.

On second thought, the Elmores are dead.

I am Fielding of the New World.

Fine. I didn't want to marry you anyway.

But I was so looking forward
to registering

at the Bass Pro Shops.

Look, I know this is crazy,
but just listen.

I love you.

- I really do.
- [WATCH BEEPING]

Ah, that's a bit
of the ol' all right, ain't it?

What's happening? Why are you talking?

Because I'm off the clock, love.

So, shall we, uh, bugger off
down the pub for a pint?

Or head back to your flat
for a bit of the old

how d'you do, hey?

Nope, nope. No, no, no, nope. Nope.

[BRITISH ACCENT] So, I hear
you're in the British guys.

Not for all the silence in the world.