06x06 - Hanging in Dorms with Boys and The Secret Life of Men

[bunniefuu]

Oh, nice. We finally got a chef.

I didn't know what you
liked, so we have OJ with pulp,

without pulp,
and just to be safe, some pulp.

How considerate is Tyler?

He got here first thing this
morning to make us breakfast

and adorably overthink
our juice choices.

It was also considerate last night

when he made us dinner
in the same clothes

as the night before.

And now he's wearing slipper socks.

He's living here, Becky.

Look, we left the door wide open,

and all we did was study, I swear.

Oh, way to buckle under pressure, Sully.

Listen, Becky...

No, you listen.

I'm a grown woman, and I pay rent.

Even a poor, middle-aged college student

is entitled to some happiness.

You are so controlling and bitter.

I'm fine with it.

Nothing in our history could have

prepared me for that response.

Wow, man in uniform cooking for us?

All right.

Ooh, some pulp, hey.

I usually have to mix my own.

Don't faint, but Darlene
is okay with Tyler staying over.

Hey, I've done it.

We took in David when he was a stray.

But if you want to carry
on the Conner tradition,

you've got to have
a couple of kids with them

and live in abject poverty.

Okay, I'll quit my job and start

working on that poverty thing.

Then I'm just with a guy
wearing slipper socks

and making eggs.

I am not going back to my 30s.

Hey, are you ready for an
early 50th birthday present?

Oh. Not really.

New vitamins for 50-plus.

They are gummies but not so sticky

they'll pull your bridge out.

You really shouldn't have,
and I mean it.

Hey, are you okay with your birthday?

Because I've been trying to talk to you

about it the last two weeks,

and you've been shutting me down.

I'm not shutting you down.

You just keep bringing it up, and I just

keep not talking about it.

But we talk about everything.

Why can't you talk about this?

Honestly, I don't know.

I don't feel like it?

Well, the fact that you
don't want to talk about it

lets me know that you
should be talking about it.

Can we please just let it go?

Okay, look, if you don't
want to talk to me,

how about you talk
to one of your guy friends?

[scoffs] My guy friends are your dad.

Hey, Tyler's around your age.

Why don't you talk to him?

[scoffs] He's our cook.

Stop resisting.

Go talk to our manservant
about your senior struggles.

Oh my God, that sounds awful.

Do I have to?

Yes. And take your old man
vitamins so you don't forget what

you're talking to him about.


and The Secret Life of Men[/i]

[bluesy rock music]

♪ ♪

The Conners is recorded in front

of a live studio audience.

So, uh, when you have
to wear that getup,

you feel like it's always Halloween?

I suppose it could be a
costume if it wasn't my job.

So this is the first
time we've been alone.

Yeah.

Yep.

Yeah, it is.

So what's going on?

Well, my wife thinks
I need a male friend.

That's funny.

My mom says the same thing about me.

It's silly, right?

Yeah. We're grown men.

So how do we do it?

What? Be friends?

Yeah.

I could help you move
some furniture or something.

When I see guys on TV,
sometimes they're bowling.

I'm not a great bowler.

I've seen guys on TV
at a bar drinking beers.

We could do that.

But just us?

No. No.

No, I would call
Dan and Neville, you know,

just in case we can't keep up
this rapid-fire back and forth

we've been crushing.

Well, okay, it's a date.

It's a guy date.

Eh.

A man hang.

Oh, let's stop naming it.

Got it.

Uh, after you.

Oh, no, that's okay.

I'll give you a minute, you know,

so it's not like this
in the other room too.

♪ ♪

Can you believe how hard it is getting

the machine at Mom's house?

And now Tyler's going to be there,
so it's going to be worse.

It could drive a guy to drink.

Drive a guy to drink.

Phrases from the '40s. What do I win?

I was just trying to find a smooth segue

into asking you to buy
alcohol for me and my friends?

You don't have a fake ID?

I bought one,
but it's not going to work.

It says I'm Dr. Lester Wong.

Didn't you look at it first?

No, they charge you
an extra 100 bucks to look,

and I'm not making
Dr. Lester Wong kind of money.

Okay, here's the deal.

I'll bring a bunch of booze
down to your dorm room,

and when your friends are drunk,

you convince them to let me
give them tattoos while

- I still work at the parlor.
- Fine.

But they're all computer science nerds,

so get ready to write, "I'm saving

myself for Princess Leia"
on a lot of skinny, pale arms.

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

What is going on
with this place tonight?

It's like a zoo in here.

I don't know.

I haven't been in here forever,
because I've

been so busy at the clinic.

You offer 5 bucks off
on spaying and neutering,

and you are up to your elbows
in tubes and testicles.

Sorry.

Hey, did you find out why
it's so crowded tonight?

I found out why it's so crowded tonight.

It's Help Our Yelp night.

You give the bar a five-star
review, you get a free beer.

The bartender called me an asswipe.

I wrote, "The staff is
attentive and professional."

Well, here's to Ben
for getting us all together.

Oh, well, hey, actually,
you guys should thank Darlene,

because she thinks I need to talk

to you guys about something,
but I can't hear a damn thing.

Talk... talk to us about what?

It's kind of personal.

Oh, just say it.
We're not going to tell anybody.

Calamari's delicious!

All right, this is ridiculous.

I have my own little
place where I hang out.

I guess we could go there,
but it has to stay a secret.

Tell me where it is.

All my wives said
I'm great at keeping secrets.

You never told us you had
a secret spot, you dirty dog.

Where is it?

You'll see.

No, but seriously,
you got to promise not

to tell any of our partners.

Oh, yeah. And hey,
that goes double for you, Tyler.

Why me?

Because you're in a new relationship,

so that makes you the weak link.

You think you're in "Love Actually,"

but you're only one argument
away from "The Shining."

All right, losers, I got the
magic stuff that'll make you

feel better about yourselves.

Thank you so much.

I'll see you this weekend
back at the house?

Cool.

Wait, what are we supposed
to mix the margaritas in?

Aren't you all, like,
future scientists of America?

Actually, we're not scientists...

Stop, I'm so bored.

You just mix it in your mouth.

It's called an upside-down margarita.

How do we do that?

Do we have to take our Invisaligns out?

Just lay down on the bed.

I'm sorry.

I promise,
after you do this, you can go.

It's okay.

I've never been in
a college dorm before.

It'll be fun observing you
and all your friends wasted

in your natural habitat.

All right, now get up,
shake your head, and swallow.

That felt amazing.

I'm so drunk.

All right. Everybody line up.

Actually, I think
we can take over from here.

Come on.

Let your hot sister stay, Dr. Wong.

I would, but she has
a restaurant to run.

Those patty melts don't melt themselves.

Relax, dude. It's fine.

All right, now, everybody,
tilt your head back.

It's time to water the nerd crops.

Okay, never have I ever, um,

denied that I was related
to this family.

Hmm.

Becky, this isn't fair.

You're not even getting drunk.

No.

I'm just burning
a sober hole in my esophagus.

Okay.

Never have I ever
worn Louise's shoes to make

fun of the way she dances.

I thought I was alone.

[laughs] Why did we have to wait

for the guys to have
guys' night before we

started having girls' night?

I don't know, but the last
two weeks have been so great.

Ben's been coming home way more relaxed,

which is so good for him.

And then I get to throw it in his face

that I was right,
which is so good for me.

Okay. So when we're done with this,
why don't we surprise the guys

- and go down to the Lobo?
- Mm.

Hey, what about girls' night?

Never have I ever
enjoyed a girls' night.

This is odd.

I just got a text from Ben
saying that they're bowling.

But aren't they supposed
to be at the Lobo?

Becky, didn't Tyler send
you a picture earlier?

Yeah, he did.

Doesn't look like the Lobo.

Well, maybe it's the bathroom?

Well, maybe they took the picture

like that because they're
trying to hide where they are.

Oh.

Well, it just got interesting,
because Ben turned off

his location sharing.

Neville did too.

So did Tyler.

So men hiding their
location from their partners?

They're at a strip club.

Tyler is not a strip club guy.

He lives with his mom.

He's always on the road.

Oh my God, he is a strip club guy.

You guys do what you want,
but I am going to confront Ben.

All I require in a relationship
is a little honesty.

I mean, if I can't trust Ben
to keep his location

sharing on so that I can
track him like an animal,

what do we have?

[bluesy harmonica music]

[bluesy guitar music]

You know, you've been here
like ten nights in a row.

Don't you have anything else to do?

Yes, I do.

I just have to take
this call, and then I'll go.

Hello?

Mark Healy? Yes, he's right here.

It's for you.
It's someone named Señor Weed.

He says breathe in and let the dork out.

Hello?

Oh, oh, lo siento, señor.

Oh, I see.

You're looking for someone
who's pathetic and sad,

because she doesn't have her own life?

Oh, do you want to take
this now or call him back

from literally anywhere else?

What's your problem?

I'm just having fun
hanging out with your friends

Derek and what's his face.

Hey, we have nicknames
for each other now.

I'm going to call you mine.

You do that and the police are going

to be calling you missing.

You really need to go.

I don't want to hurt your feelings,

but these are my friends.

And they respect me
too much to say that they

don't want you around.

Hey, Mark, sorry, buddy.

The toilet's clogged.

We need you to turn
into super janitor man.

Harris, you can play
for Mark until he gets back.

I don't think your
friends want me to leave.

It doesn't matter.

I do.

This is my dorm room.

You don't even go here.

You don't belong here.

Thanks for making me feel so welcome.

Great.

You made your sister leave.

I was this close.

Oh, don't worry.

You're clearly on her radar,
what's his face.

[bluesy harmonica music]

♪ ♪

Thanks so much for sharing
this place with us, man.

You know, once you get
used to the intense smell,

it is incredibly relaxing.

The power of animals.

That's why I "work late"
two nights a week.

How come you never told Jackie?

Because then she'd want to come,

and we'd be sitting here.

And it'd be quiet and relaxed.

And then she'd want
to know what I was thinking.

Oh, God.

Yeah.

She'd want to talk
about life and feelings,

and are my night terrors about her?

Hmm.

Hey, Dan, any more texts from Louise?

No.

That picture with all our
faces smashed together

did the trick.

Who was wearing the sandalwood?

That was kind of nice.

It was me.

You know, I was going to tell you guys

about what was bugging me
the first time we came here.

But these last two weeks
have been so great,

I haven't really felt the need to.

No one's been asking me, what's wrong?

What's bothering me?

[sighs]

But truth is, I have been
feeling a little anxious

about turning 50, right?

But Darlene just won't let it go.

Yeah, 50's a tough one.

- Right?
- Yeah.

But I wasn't ready to talk about it.

And you know who's just fine with that?

This young fella right here.

Can I tell Francis he's a good kitty?

Well, is Francis being a good kitty?

Yes.

Then yes, you can.

Good kitty.

[bluesy harmonica music]

[bluesy harmonica music]

We need to talk.

Oh, damn, it's only you.

From you, that's like a hug.

Look, I'm sorry.

I'm kind of wound up.

Becky and I are waiting
to ambush our men.

But actually,
I do need to talk to you also.

Why are you hanging
around Mark's dorm room?

Can't believe he tattled on me to Mommy.

I go because it's fun.

I like playing video games
and drinking beer.

And my friends are all
working and having babies.

And the only people you can find

to hang out with are a bunch
of ramen-eating virgins?

Mark's friends are in
the college party bubble.

And they won't be having
babies anytime soon,

unless they can build
a robot with a uterus

to have sex with them.

But I think the robot could do better.

Look, Harris, I know
you're better than this.

You could go to a bar and have
the exact same experience.

So why a college dorm?

I just want to see
what I missed out on, okay?

I'm about to jump into
the Lunch Box with both feet.

And once I do,
I'm locked into adult life.

I just want to make sure I'm not

making a commitment too early.

What do you think?

Do you think I'm making
the right choice?

Well, you've seen my life.
I have no idea.

It's not like I was 47 and suddenly

realized I was meant to scoop
slop to a bunch of Gen Zers.

Look, just steer clear of
your brother's dorm room, okay?

He's already embarrassed
that I'm a lunch lady

and he's a janitor.

He does not need his
older sister ripping bowls

and passing out in his room.

Well, I wouldn't feel too bad for him.

In his spare time, he's a


The car just pulled up. They're here.

Do not peek out that window,
and don't you dare give

Tyler a hug when he comes in.

We need to break them.

Where the hell have you been?

The Lobo.

Of course you were.

Darlene had me thinking the worst.

No. Leave it.

Leave it.

Look, we're not upset that
you went to a strip club.

We're upset that you lied.

What? We didn't go to a strip club.

Look, we can't tell you,
but I promise you,

you wouldn't mind.

We're not talking to you.

It's okay, honey.

Tell us where the bad men took you.

Yeah, tell us, honey.

Oh, don't do it, man.

Hold on.

We were at Neville's clinic
hanging with the sick animals.

Really?

Yeah.

Well, there's something
about a strip club

that's less disturbing than that.

Look, it's Neville's secret.

Nights where he just sits quietly,

comforts the sick animals,
and just has time to think.

And it is really nice.

But you still lied.

Darlene's right.

And we're going to punish you
by taking a shower together.

You can't be mad.

I did what you asked.

I went and hung out with the guys.

No, that's not what I asked.

I asked you to open up
and share all of your fears

about turning 50
and processing those feelings

into a healthier and more accepting

outlook and attitude.

Yeah.

It doesn't work for me like that.

But all the quiet time with
the guys and a cute little goat

named Fernando really helped.

And look, you wanted me to
feel better, I feel better.

- Isn't that the point?
- No.

You were supposed to feel better my way.

Hey, you grew up
in a big, boisterous family,

where everyone just spewed out what

they were feeling at each
other as they were feeling it.

Well, my mom always said,
if you hold it in,

you get kidney stones.

And my dad, well, he held it in,
and he got kidney stones.

So my reasoning is backed by science.

I can't do it that way.

My parents weren't available.

I spent most of my time up in my room

with my interior monologue
just trying to figure

things out in my own time.

No, I get that.

We were too poor for me to
have an interior monologue.

Becky and I had to share one.

Look, all I really care
about is that you're okay

and that turning 50 isn't going
to plunge you into some hole

that I can't pull you out of.

I'm good, okay?

I'm getting a handle on it.

I also kind of have
to get used to the idea

that my husband would
rather talk to some goat

than his own wife.

Well, I didn't talk.

I sang to it.

And it's not just any goat.

That's demeaning.

But you know what?

None of this would have ever happened

if you hadn't suggested
that I go and spend

some time with Tyler.

- Well, I like where this is going.
- Mm.

Well, I hope you like
where it's been, because

I'm not going any further.

You know, it does sound
kind of peaceful and nice,

and I could use some time
to think about things.

Maybe we could all go together.

It really does bug you
when I've got my own thing,

doesn't it?

It really does.

[bluesy harmonica music]

[bluesy harmonica music]

Wow.

Are you sure we won't get
into trouble for this?

I got two glasses
of chardonnay into Neville.

He's out till tomorrow.

Okay.

So from what I got out of Ben,
here's how it works.

No one says anything.

We just sit here with the animals,

and we get clarity on things
that are bothering us.

There's Australian male strippers

at Chaps in Chaps tonight.

[child giggles]