03x06 - Bye Bye Birdie

[bunniefuu]

Previously on "Resident Alien"...

Harry can't date that bird.

He should be saving the Earth.

The portal is fixed, yeah?

We are moving to her home planet.

Some people find chips in their skin

that aliens use as a tracking device.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

What do we got here, Deputy?

Someone found it near the bus stop.

I'll go through it
and see who it belongs to.

You will never know
a love like Heather and I.

We do not keep secrets
from one another

like humans do.

You are gonna help us
get Harry's alien DNA.

You will leave the planet,

and you will never see him again.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

[WHIRRING]

♪

What the hell is that?

♪

[LOCK CHIRPING]

[UPBEAT TWANGY MUSIC]

♪

[LIGHT MUSIC]

After discovering the Greys' plan

to change the Earth's atmosphere,

I have devised a plan of my own.

I am building a b*mb that can
destroy the Greys' spaceship.

And then their stupid,
beautiful hybrids

will be stuck here
and have to get jobs

as personal trainers
and sideline reporters.

[BEEPING]

Uh-oh.

Something is wrong.

[BEEPING]

My blood sugar is dangerously low.

Once the general has the b*mb,
she can finish the mission,

and I can embark on my new one...

leaving the planet and spending

the rest of my life with Heather.

[SIGHS]

Good morning, my beautiful
bird of paradise.

Mm.

Can I make you a nice breakfast, hmm?

I have a bowl of worms and insects.

Or there is also still one

aquatic invertebrate in the fridge.

Oh, that's OK.

I'm... I'm not really hungry.

OK.

Well, I could, uh, chew it up.

[SIGHS]

Regurgitate it back in your mouth.

That's really sweet, but no, thanks.

I think that I...
I didn't really sleep well.

Your human bed is not
as comfortable as the nest

you made me at the hotel.

Then I will make you a new nest today.

I will go into town,
and I will gather twigs

and string and some hair.

No, Harry, you've already
done too much.

I want to do something for you.

A wing job?

Something even better.

First, I need you to change.

[MOANING]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Your gills definitely
needed a cleaning.

There's more where that came from.

- [CHUCKLES]
- [GRUNTING]

You like this?

Yes, I do. [LAUGHS]

Oh, it is so nice to find someone

you can be yourself with.

Just leave everything out in the open.

[CHUCKLES]

No secrets.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

My love, your head is bobbing.

Oh.

Is there something on your mind?

Weird.

Uh, no. [LAUGHS]

Nothing at all.

Definitely nothing to hide.

That's for sure.

You can go harder.

I like the pain.

Oh. [MOANS]

We might need a safe word.

[GRUNTING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SNORING]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪

- [KNOCKING]
- [GASPS]

[SIGHS]

- Hey.
- Hey.

What are you doing out here?

I worked late, so...

I got tired on my way home,
pulled over.

My house isn't on your way home.

You got me.

I just came by to make sure
you're doing OK.

And you slept out here?

I mean, how did you even
use the bathroom?

Wait.

Is this about the alien stuff
that you said the other night?

Aliens? [LAUGHS]

That's crazy.

No, I just... checking up on you.

If that keeps aliens away, then great.

I was not abducted by aliens,

so you need to go home
before Kate comes out

- and starts asking questions.
- Fine.

Hey, would you toss
my water bottle for me?

Did you piss in it?

You know I did.

Pretty full. Smells like pee-pee.

Would you throw it out, yes or no?

- No.
- Give it a toss.

It's full of urine.

Really? It's just pee.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Love ya.

♪

Huh. Lovely.

There you are.

Tell me you did not spend
another night

guarding Ben and Kate's house.

Yeah, but he caught me,

so can't do that again.

Tonight I'll have to bring binoculars

and park up the street,
watch from there.

What's the plan here?

Let's say you witness an abduction.

How exactly are you gonna stop it?

Baseball bat.

I've seen pictures of Greys
on the internet.

Their long necks, their heads are

just right in my strike zone.

Not to complain, but would it k*ll Jay

to wash a dish once in a while?

That sounds like complaining.

I know.

She's your daughter, and that actually

explains why she doesn't clean.

But her stuff is everywhere.

Pullout couch, always open.

Oh, my raspberry yogurt's gone again.

Big surprise.

- You finished that yesterday.
- Yeah.

Because I knew if I didn't,
Jay would eat it.

Fine.

I'll buy you more yogurt and clean.

Happy?

No.

Jay should be doing that.

Look, things are really good
between Jay and I right now,

and I don't want to rock the boat.

Besides, we have
bigger things to worry about,

like how to keep Harry
from leaving with Heather.

Jay seems like the least of our...

[TOILET FLUSHING]

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Sup, fam?

♪

You're out of milk, FYI.

Jay's the least of our...
you were saying?

Leave me alone.

[GRUNTING]

Nothing like a good gill excavation

to make you feel new again.

What can I do to thank you?

You don't need to thank me.

I don't deserve it.

You deserve everything.

That is why I will finish this b*mb,

so that we can leave
and we can never look back.

I cannot wait to see your planet.

Will your friends accept

that you are dating
an un-winged alien?

Let's not talk about the future.

[LAUGHS]

Let's just... let's just talk
about the present

- because it's so special.
- [LAUGHS]

You know, I think that's
why they call it the present,

'cause it's a present.

That reminds me,
I wrote you a... a new poem.

You did?

I love your poems.

But don't read it to me.

Stop right there and do not read it,

because I'm gonna take this out,

and if I don't come right back,

that's just because
I ran out to get cigarettes.

But you do not even smoke.

I love that you try new things.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

This must be what true love is like.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]
When your lover leaves,

you feel like
you will never see them again.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

And the sound of her tires
peeling out of my driveway,

I can tell she is in a hurry
to come back to me.

♪

[LIGHT MUSIC]

Here you go, Debra.

Morning, Sheriff.

Hey, Deputy.

Hey, do you ever
get the feeling like...

like you're being followed?

Right now comes to mind.

Last night,
I felt someone following me.

So this morning,
I changed up my route,

but I think that son of a bitch
Joseph is still on my tail.

You know what this means, don't you?

We're on the right track
with our investigation.

Our investigation? No.

I told you, when I get
involved, people get hurt.

- I'm done.
- What?

I thought you just needed time.

I don't need time.

I need distance.

Taking time helps you see
things more clearly, Deputy.

Hey, you know, Cletus peed
in my bed once, right?

Now, I got mad,
but did I get rid of him?

No.

I took some time to reflect

and find the right move.

So then I went and peed
in his little doggy bed,

and I said to him,
"Now, how do you like it now?"

That's how he learns.

They pee on you, you pee on them.

I'm not gonna rub his nose in it.

That'd just be cruel.

Not more cruel than me
listening to this story.

Hey.

Uh, I need to talk to you guys
about something.

I have had some complaints

regarding the Sheriff's Department.

I told you it was a terrible idea

to put up that suggestion box.

Yes, I got that from the note
you put in the suggestion box

telling me to take down
the suggestion box.

It seems certain constituents

aren't happy
about their taxpayer dollars

being wasted investigating
alien-related matters.

Taxpayers shouldn't have a say

in how their tax dollars are spent.

That's anarchy.

Well, some people call it democracy.

Exactly.

This is a free country.

People can look for aliens
if they want,

or search the forest for fairies,

even if they only find a small frog

living in an old shotgun shell.

You said certain people
are lodging complaints.

I want to know who.

I am not at liberty to say.

Hi, Sheriff.

Nana.

Thank you, Mayor, for our little talk.

[QUIRKY MUSIC]

Oh, come on, Liv.

How do you expect people
to take you seriously

with that crease in your britches?

[CLICKING TONGUE]

Ugh.

She's right.

I do have a crease.

- How did she see that?
- [BELL DINGS]

Sheriff, I'd like to
see you in my office.

Mm.

♪

All right, Sheriff, have a... seat.

I asked to see you in my office.

No, you said

you'd like to see me in your office.

And I don't blame you.

Hell, I'm a statue of masculinity.

If I was in your office,
you'd probably walk in

every morning and say, "Damn,
now, that's what I want to be."

If you were a statue in my office,

I'd hang my jacket on you.

I'd want you to, because I'd be made

out of metal, and I'd be cold.

See?

Even as a statue man,
I still get what I want.

OK, here's the thing.

You and Liv have been seen around town

snooping in plain clothes,
investigating something.

Not to mention, you know,
how you practically begged me

for a new deputy, but now he's gone,

and you haven't even replaced him?

What is going on?

Why are you being so secretive?

Why are you being so inquisitive?

Because I have a right to know.

- This is my town.
- Oh, really?

You obviously don't know
how towns work.

You ever see a Western?

It's the sheriff that says,
"You're in my town now,"

not the mayor.

Do you drive a car
that has "mayor" written on it?

Yes, I do.

- You do?
- Yes.

Sometimes when it's dirty,

Max writes "mayor" in the window,

and that's mayor,

as in "may your...

"town, if it is in trouble,

I will be the one to fix it."

You may have the word "sheriff"
on your car door,

but the name "Hawthorne" is printed

on the soul of this town.

Right. Like that poison creek.

Forget about the creek.

That's being renamed.

I don't know why
you're being like this.

You know, we used to be like partners.

We were never partners.

We operate under
a split form of government,

like Madagascar or East Timor,

with two leaders
sharing separate powers, OK?

Now, if you don't mind,
I got work to do.

Humans thrive on forming
connections to each other.

But when that connection is broken,

it makes them feel untethered.

They do not like that.

That is how I am starting to feel.

Heather has been gone for two hours,

and all I can think of is,
what if she is hurt?

What if she has been plucked
and stuffed into a pillow

or cozy lightweight jacket?

[TAPPING]

[PIGEON COOING]

Hello.

Oh.

Thank you.

"Harry, if you're reading this,

"then you've met my friend Arlo.

I'm leaving the planet without you."

- No.
- "Don't look for me.

"And please give Arlo some cereal,

if you don't mind."

[THREE DOG NIGHT'S "ONE"]

This cannot be.

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪

"How do I know this is really you?

Also, I am out of cereal."

♪ Two can be as bad as one

♪ It's the loneliest number

OK, there you go.

♪ Since the number one

Oh, so fast.

♪

You're back.

♪ No is the saddest experience ♪

"Yes, it's really me.

"Who else would send a note by pigeon?

PS, Arlo also enjoys a nice cr*cker."

"Why?

"What has happened?

"Also, Arlo would not eat my crackers.

They were the pepper kind."

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪ _

♪ One is the loneliest number ♪ _

♪ One is the loneliest ♪ _

♪ Number that you'll ever do ♪ _

♪

[WHOOSHING]

Heather.

We can't keep doing the notes.

It's not fair to Arlo.

He's freakin' exhausted.

My love, you came back.

No, Harry, it's over.

What?

But why?

Because I don't love you.

I never did.

No.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

I don't believe you. Ah! Ow.

Why? Ow.

I think my heart is stopping.

It's not.

Hearts are the only thing
in the universe

that work even after they break.

It's the thing that sucks
about hearts.

How do you know that?

Is it because your heart
is breaking too?

No.

My heart's fine.

Feels great.

Well, you cannot take our love.

It is not just yours.

It is also mine.

I'm sorry, I have to go.

No, wait, I...

I have a... a poem to read you.

You have to listen.

♪

It is titled "Forever Together."

♪

"Boy, I just can't stop smiling."

- [SOBBING]
- No, I can't do this.

I cannot do this.

♪

Good...

♪

[WHOOSHING]

Good what?

"Good"?

"Goodness, I love you."

"Good thing I was joking."

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

[PIGEON COOING]

Huh?

"Bye."

♪

"Goodbye."

♪

Why?

[CRYING]

♪

[SOBBING] Why?

Why?

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

[SOFT CLICK]

♪

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

♪

Got you, son of a bitch.

[PANTING]

Wait, you're not Joseph.

I... I'm Troy.

Troy?

Whoa.

Are you Lena's son?

I was just curious.

I wanted to see the guy
my mom was dating.

Come on, son. You can't
be following people around

in the dark, all right?

It's dangerous. And you can relax.

We're not dating.
We're just colleagues.

She doesn't talk about
her other colleagues

the way she talks about you.

She talks about me?

I overheard her telling my Aunt Naya

you don't like her paying for stuff?

I don't get it.

What's wrong with her paying?

Look, I appreciate that you're here

to protect your mom, all right?

But this is grown man stuff.

You wouldn't understand.
It's complicated.

No, it's not.

From now on, you stay away from her.

OK, well, she's already
staying away from me.

Why wouldn't she?

You made her cry.

What kind of a man are you?

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪

[SIGHS]

[SOFT MUSIC]

[KNOCKING]

Harry?

[SINGER SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

I got a text saying you want to die,

followed by an emoji of a skull,

then a noose, then a g*n.

Yeah. And then a Kn*fe and a casket.

Then for some reason, a church?

That was a mistake.

It was supposed to be a sword.

♪

What's going on?

Heather left me.

Yes.

Yes, she did.

And that is awful.

She's gone.

It's over.

Now my life is over.

Oh, I'm so sorry, Harry.

Do not lie.

You're happy.

The red-haired one
is trying not to smile.

It seems like you know my name by now.

OK.

Look, we did try to break you guys up,

- but it didn't work.
- Right.

So maybe it's just you.

[CRYING]

Is that helping?

I...

You're wrong.

Heather loved me.

I loved her.

I don't know what happened.

Sometimes there is no explanation.

Oh.

Hey.

You just need to get your mind
off her, you know.

Stay busy.

Focus on your little project here.

Huh, what is it?

Some kind of alien bird feeder?

- It's a b*mb.
- A b*mb, you say.

What's that now?

I built it for the general to use

on the Greys
after I left with Heather.

OK.

Well, saving the Earth,
that's something to live for.

I don't care about the Earth.

This place sucks.

I hate it here!

Uh!

Hey, Greys!

Come and take this Earth!

I don't want it!

You can have it!

Hey, take this stupid plant!

I don't want it!

You can have it!

Take this stupid chair!

Huh? I don't care anymore!

- OK.
- Take me!

I want to die!

OK, will you come back
in here, please?

Maybe you'll feel better
if you eat something.

We got you a pizza.

I do not care about your pizza.

I hate the Earth, and I hate you.

Whoa!

That is not how I taught you
to behave.

- [DOOR SLAMS]
- [BOTH GASPING]

Asta worked hard to pay
for that pizza, young man.

You will get your butt
out here and eat it.

I don't care, and I hate you!

I hate you more!

[THUDDING, GLASS SHATTERING]

You know,
for the first time in my life,

I feel like I have
what it takes to be a mother.

♪

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

I finally met Lena's son.

He's been tailing me.

He wanted to see
who his mom was dating.

♪

Wanna talk about it?

Nah.

There's nothing to talk about.

♪

She said we're colleagues,
but then I find out

she's been crying over the breakup.

Seems like you want to talk about it.

No, no.

This is our quiet time.

♪

Quiet time.

♪

You know, maybe it's my destiny,

you know, to be alone.

♪

OK.

Let's talk about it.

♪

Her kid's right.

What kind of man has somebody special

then just... just pushes her away?

The kind of man that lost his mom

when he was young
and raised by his father.

♪

You got attached to these
notions of masculinity.

So take it easy on yourself.

It's not your fault.

♪

Now can we fish?

You're the one who wanted to talk.

♪

[LAUGHS]

♪

He was serious about leaving.

This thing has all the instructions

on what to do with this b*mb.

Well, anything productive
is on hold for a bit.

He just asked if men can be nuns.

Probably for the best.

I don't know if I want him
handling a b*mb right now.

I am so tired of playing
parent to this alien child.

It's enough to do it at home.

Yeah.

What?

Nothing.

You're just not really
doing it at home.

I told you, Jay and I
are in a good place.

- I don't want to ruin that.
- Right.

You're afraid to piss off
the teenager who lives with us

and eats my yogurt,
so now I have no yogurt.

I am not afraid.

Yes, you are.

You're afraid you're gonna lose her.

And you're aiding and abetting her.

Aiding and abetting?

What, is yogurt-eating a felony now?

No, it's just, you're trying to be

her friend instead of just
being a responsible adult.

If I'm so irresponsible,
why do you come running to me

every time you're in trouble?

Because you let me, which might be

how this whole problem got
started, if I'm being honest.

Oh, oh, OK.

So I've ruined you
because I'm there for you

when you need me?

No, you're there for me
when it suits you,

when it makes you feel
better about yourself,

like Harry said.

Thank you.

Tell me one time
that I was not there for you.

Oh, I don't know,
maybe when you drove me insane

by keeping
a life-altering secret from me

for a year and a half?

Oh, really? This again?

What was I supposed to do,

tell you the new doctor is an alien?

Yes!

I'm supposed to be your best friend,

but you couldn't share that with me.

Why?

I'm not getting into this.

Well, we're in it.

Let's just drop it, please.

I don't want to drop it.

I want to know why.

Because you're a loose cannon,

and I didn't know
if I could trust you.

Is that what you want to hear?

You are so impulsive,

I just knew that
you would tell someone.

That's bullshit.

You didn't want to tell me
because Harry

dropping down to Earth
was a godsend for you.

Just you.

Secret little baby
you found on your doorstep,

another one for your
menagerie of the needy.

You told Ben that
he was getting abducted

when I told you not to.

You did it anyway
because you don't listen

because you make
everything about yourself.

I do not.

How do I make everything about myself?

Tell me. I want to know.

A lot of "I's" and "me's"
in that denial.

I told Ben because real friends

don't keep huge secrets
from each other.

You told Ben because you feel guilty,

and so you made everything about you.

OK, fine. Fine.

I make everything about me.

But you make everything about you

by saying it's not about you
because you're a martyr.

I'd rather be a martyr
than a loose cannon.

Well, that is exactly
what a martyr would say.

- Loose cannon.
- Martyr.

Pretend I'm not here.

[SOMBER MUSIC]

♪

[DOOR SLAMS]

[KNOCKING]

[SIGHS]

Why are you here?

I came to see how you're doing.

Were you getting dressed?

Undressed?

Or is this just how it is now?

Would you ask a woman that?

Your friend Asta contacted me.

Said you're a mess and can't work.

Now, I don't know the first thing

about how to console a lovesick alien,

but I heard about
your chicken girlfriend

or whatever she was.

So...

[LIGHT MUSIC]

[LOW GRUNTING]

♪

What the hell is that?

The guy said her name is Patricia.

I thought maybe she could help you

get over your girlfriend.

No judgment.

Everyone has their thing.

I am offended that you think

you can replace the love of my life

with just some random bird.

No offense.

This has nothing to do with you.

You're very attractive.

Do whatever you need.

Just finish that b*mb.

And don't fall in love.

She's a rental.

[LOW GRUNTING]

Don't worry, we don't
have to do anything.

♪

We can just talk.

♪

And even though I've never
had a UFO encounter myself,

I'm here to support my daughter,

because I love her.

I love you too, Mom.

Oh, baby.

[SOFT MUSIC]

♪

OK.

Thank you for sharing, Dorothy.

So this is where all the crazies meet.

I expected there'd be
more padding on the walls.

[CHUCKLES]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Hi.
- You came.

Yeah. I was in the neighborhood,

so I figured I might as well.

You're new.

You want to tell us
a little about yourself

and why you're here?

Oh, me? No.

Um, I'm... I'm not here
to participate.

I'm... I'm just here to watch.

We don't get a lot of watchers here.

Well, I... I haven't
experienced anything.

I mean, I...

I've been seeing this owl
outside my window.

But it's not a big deal.

I mean, this is Colorado, right?

There are owls.



I... I looked it up online.

So, you know, no, I...

I think I'm good.

[SOFT MUSIC]

Except, um, I'm not... I'm not good.

I'm...

[SIGHS]

♪

I used to like where I live.

But now... I mean,
I love our... our home, but...

♪

But I don't feel safe there.

I mean, I... I even...

I even tried to convince
my husband to sell our house.

But I... I think
it's bigger than that.

Like, I think I'm not safe anywhere.

And I just feel like I'm going crazy.

Oh, am I allowed to use
that word in here?

You're not crazy.

I've had a similar experience.

At first, the owls didn't seem odd,

but then it just kept happening.

I even put our house up on the market.

And then one day, I'm in the shower,

and I find this tiny bump
behind my knee

that I'd never noticed.

So I did some research, and I realized

it's maybe a chip
they implanted in me,

and that people all over the world

have been having similar experiences.

♪

Are you OK?

♪

I don't know.

Does he have any idea
you were taking his DNA?

No.

I feel terrible, though.

I love him.

Oh, that's sweet.

You love your niece?

My knees?

You're gonna break my knees?

Niece.

- Your niece, your sister's kid.
- OK.

Well, you could have
just said my sister.

I love her too.

Oh, snap.

Niece and knees, very different.

How so?

Niece is a little girl
or a city in France.

I don't break knees.

I'm here on the scene,

watching Asta's boyfriend
and Harry's girlfriend

having a rendezvous.

Both of them sound like
my sister's girl child.

You have a niece called knees?

Yeah. She's my niece.

How are we losing to you people?

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪

Shift reports for you to sign.

Everything OK, Deputy?

You got your sad face on.

Really?

I have a sad face?

I'll give you a tip.

Here, put this pencil in your mouth.

Sideways.

There you go.

You feel your smile muscles
stretching out?

See, when you're sad,
you fool your body

into thinking you're happy,
then you feel happy.

[MUFFLED] How long does it take?

Uh, seven minutes.

Of course, I'm a pro,
so I did it in three

using that very same pencil.

So tell me, Deputy,
what's got you down?

I went to one of my meetings today.

And this woman, Linda,
brought her mom.

She just came to support her daughter.

I never had that kind of support,

and I probably never will.

Mm.

You know what? Take a seat, Deputy.

I... I want to tell you
a story about this guy.

- [CLEARS THROAT]
- Is this guy you?

Uh, doesn't matter.

Anyway, there's
this really handsome guy

that smells really good, right?

And he lost his mother in his teens.

- Now, his father...
- Lewis?

Can I finish telling you
the story about this guy?

- Yeah.
- OK, so his... his father,

he may have pushed
his notions of masculinity

on this guy a little too hard, right?

And maybe if this guy would
have confronted his issues

earlier in life, he wouldn't have

let his ego get the best of him

and pushed away
a perfectly good woman.

Is the woman Lena Torres?

Let's call her Meena Flores.

OK, look, my point is,

we're shaped by the people
who raise us.

And the people around you
weren't very supportive.

In fact, they actively held you down.

Now, you are
the strongest person I know,

except when you're around
your Grandma Patty.

You need to stand up to her.

I can't.

She's mean and gives
deceptively powerful noogies.

Well, what if I told you
I knew a guy who'd go with you

and give you all the
support you've never had?

Is this guy you?

Ha!

You finally figured it out.

[SUNNY w*r'S "MAMA'S MILK"]

♪ Took a vacay from

♪ The ways that you're used to ♪

♪ It's a new day
to find a way to a new you ♪

♪

♪ I'm really not sure what
you thought I signed up for ♪

♪ Skip the encore, I've had enough ♪

♪ I don't need more

I'll give you a lesson sometime.

Been trying to get ahold of you,

but I see you were busy.

Dude, the snow was awesome.

You should have come with us.

Yeah, it must be nice
to take off work on a whim.

So impulsive, you know?

OK.

So what, you have a problem
with me snowboarding now?

Nope.

Where is Harry?

I don't know.

Last time I saw him, I was with you.

Well, I went to the cabin,

and he isn't there.

All I found was a giant bird

who isn't Heather.

He definitely has a type.

OK. Why are you looking for him?

Judy saw Joseph talking to Heather.

What? Where?

I'm here on the scene, watching...

Ignore the... she had a filter on.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

I can't hear what they're saying.

What the hell?

Is the bird a spy for the Greys?

We have to find Harry and tell him.

I know where he goes
when he gets depressed.

♪

Thanks for taking us
up the mountain, Steve.

Yeah, no problem.

I've gotta do a flyby
of the south peak anyway.

I think you and I have
to come clear it on Saturday.

Cool.

Avalanche control is important, right?

Hey, are you concerned at all

that I'm some kind of loose cannon

and that I'll go up there with you

and just push you off the mountain?

Um, no.

Ah.

So you don't think I'm a loose cannon.

So you trust me. Interesting.

Steve, don't you think
it's weird for someone

to give you sh*t for spending
time with your daughter?

I don't have a daughter.

Yeah, but don't you think,

after everything you've been through,

you've earned the right
to hang out with her?

You know, be a little more carefree.

Hey, Steve, do you think
painting the bathroom

a combination of mauve and vomit

makes bath time enjoyable?

Steve, would you buy
a tiny coffee table

that's so small, it won't even
hold coffee table books?

We don't have coffee table books.

Because the coffee table is too small.

Oh, my God. I... [CLICKS]

[NO AUDIBLE DIALOGUE]

[WHIRRING]

[LIGHT MUSIC]

♪

[SIGHS]

♪

I can't knock.

I'm too nervous.

This always happens when I come here.

It's OK.

You just got yourself
a little case of "shy-knuckle."

I'll be with you the whole way.

Go ahead, make a fist.

[KNOCKING]

Ow.

I think they're bleeding a little.

Liv. Sheriff.

What's going on?

I wanted to talk to you
about something.

And you couldn't just
send me an email?

Why did I bother learning the internet

if you're just going
to show up in person?

All right, come in.

Wipe your feet.

It's not a flophouse.

[SIGHS]

Well, what is it?

[SIGHS]

You know all that stuff you say

about my hair and my face

and pretty much everything about me?

Yeah.

It... it feels kind of mean.

But it's probably not your fault,

because I know your generation
has had it hard

with wars and everything, and um,

I know you were born
in Great-grandpop's hay wagon.

Oh, you wanted to apologize.

OK, fine. I forgive you.

- Is that it?
- Yep.

Uh, wasn't there, uh...

wasn't there something else?

[SIGHS]

Ay-yi-yi.

OK, I admit,

I stole your deviled egg recipe, Nana,

but it's only because
I admire your cooking,

and I admired you.

I wanted to be like you,

but then you trash-talked
me to the whole family.

And now you've said
all those awful things

about me in the town paper.

Why would you do that?

I just told the truth.

I always do.

Oh, really?

Well, I can do some truth-telling too.

Oh.

Grandmothers are supposed to be nice

and smell like cookies,

but you are cruel and vicious,
and you smell like vinegar.

And not that sweet balsamic
stuff that you dip bread in,

but that British french fry vinegar.

OK, you're getting a little off track.

Little girls are supposed to be happy

to see their grandmas,
but I always dreaded it,

because you made me feel
small and worthless,

and I still feel that way,
but I'm not going to anymore,

because you're the one who's small,

and you're the one who's worthless.

Dial it back a little bit.

You are an old, angry
piece of---- -------,

and you can take
that------ deviled egg----

and whip up some------ recipe
and-------

jam up it up your----------!

OK, all right. That's enough.

No, no, no. I'm just getting started.

[THUD]

♪

She's faking it.

Gary said she'll be OK.

It's just a minor heart att*ck.

I mean, she looked pale
when we showed up,

so she was probably already
pre-heart attacking.

Thanks.

Also, I told Garrett she's delusional.

So no one will believe
her side of the story.

I like living in a small town.

Yeah. You get your recipes?

Yeah.

Thanks for picking the lock.

Let's go. We were never here.

♪

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC]

♪

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪

No way.

[TED LUCAS' "BABY WHERE YOU ARE"]

♪ If I could be, baby, where you are ♪

♪ Then I would know ♪

♪

♪ Baby, what you know ♪

Told you he'd be here.

♪ Just to be, baby, where you are ♪

What are you two doing here?

Heather's working with Joseph.

It is bad enough that she is gone.

Now you are spreading lies
about the woman

that I used to love
and now wish was dead.

It's not a lie, Harry.

Judy saw Heather
give Joseph a trash bag.

Do you know why?

Was it a blue trash bag?

Yeah.

She cleaned my gills
and put the gunk in there.

Do you know why she'd want
to give that stuff to Joseph?

My DNA.

They want to clone me.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

They have my alien ball.

They're trying to manipulate it.

But I gave it to Robert,
the alien tracker's son.

If the Greys kidnapped him,
then they have the ball.

You have reception here? How?

It's very easy.

You just go into settings.

It will prompt you.

"Would you like to harness
the mountain

"to use as your own
personal cell tower

because you're a brilliant alien?"

[LAUGHS]

And you just push "yes."

So funny.

Hello, son.

It is Harry, your new father.

Uh, not the dead one.

Uh, how are you?

Are you still on Earth?

Yeah.

I'm at the malt shop with the fellas.

[LAUGHS]

The Greys have the ball.

What are they gonna do with it?

Our technology is all hydrogen-based.

It helps us manipulate water.

But if the Greys can do it,
they can speed up

their plans for the cavern
at Yellowstone.

Wait, so they could destroy
the Earth any time now?

Worse.

The love of my life
did not just leave me.

She betrayed me.

Love is like a lifeline

that tethers an astronaut to his ship.

If that line is cut, you are lost.

That is how I feel,
cut off from the only love

I will ever know.

When the connection to what
we believe and trust is lost,

it is like the air
that we breathe is gone.

D'Arcy, let's just talk, please?

♪ Images of you ♪

♪ It's constant t*rture ♪

♪ But I don't know what else to do ♪

And then being connected
becomes a matter of survival.

♪ Only those big black
buzzards ask how I've been ♪

♪ Ain't you proud ♪

♪ Oh, oh, hey ♪

♪ Ain't you proud ♪

♪

♪ Ain't you proud ♪

♪

♪ She was a blue avian ♪

♪ Now we are apart ♪

♪ I hope that there's a giant wolf ♪

♪ That will rip out her dead heart ♪

♪ There is no love ♪

♪ I can't believe it ♪

♪ There is no love ♪

♪ But it's true ♪

♪ It's true ♪

♪ And I'm angry

♪ I'm angry, I'm angry,
I'm angry, I'm angry ♪

♪

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

♪

What the hell?

[YELLING]

♪

[PEPPY COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪

♪ Made for you and looks so fine ♪

So what brings you
to this neck of the woods?

♪ That's the way it will always be ♪

I'm here to k*ll my father.

[OMINOUS MUSIC]

♪

[PEPPY COUNTRY MUSIC]

♪ Oh, remember every day you find ♪

♪ You got a little trouble
on your mind ♪

♪ You'll find me near
'cause I'll always be ♪

♪ Just for you and you for me ♪

♪