22x12 - Take This Job and Love It

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those
good old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy. ♪

[SIGHS] Son of a bitch.

What's wrong, Peter?

Eh, our I.T. guy told me
today that, apparently,

I've had a work e-mail address
ever since I started there.

So now I got to slog
through 17,000 messages.

Aw, crap, we didn't
have to come in on 9/11?

I never even liked working
at that stupid brewery.

Hardly my dream job,
I'll tell you that much.

Now, there's an interesting question.

What would be your dream job?

Dream job? Oh, that's easy.

Ever since I was a kid,

I always pictured myself
being an international spy.

♪ ♪

So, beautiful, which lamp did you unplug

to charge your phone in the room?

Mine's in the bathroom.

Mm, you know, I never caught your name.

The name is Band. Lap Band.

- [RAPID g*nf*re]
- [SCREAMS]

Careful. Here come the bad
guys from whatever country

won't offend American
or Chinese audiences.

- [g*nf*re]
- [GRUNTS]

You have dishonored the
people of Finland, Mr. Band.

sh**t him, fellow tall introverts.

["BOND 77" BY MARVIN HAMLISCH PLAYING]

Yep. All definitely me.

Whoosh. Zoom.

Ski noise.

[TO TUNE OF PILOT'S "MAGIC"]
♪ Oh, oh, Ozempic... ♪

They threw a ton of money at us.

We couldn't say no.

[DRAMATIC, JAZZY THEME PLAYING]

[PETER CHUCKLING] All right.

Hey, I wonder who they
got to do the song.

Blech.

♪ When you're a spy ♪

♪ You got a lot on your mind ♪

♪ You look high and low ♪

♪ You never know what you'll find ♪

♪ Spy life. ♪

[PETER SIGHS] Mercifully brief.

Good morning,
Agent 5-5-5.

Ugh, right. 'Cause this is a
number on a television show.

I say, you look as bewitching
as ever, Miss Takeapenny.

Oh, didn't you hear? I got married.

I'm now Ms. Takeapenny-Leaveapenny.

Wow, lucky gentleman.

Because he gets to plow
you, is what I mean.

So debonair.

You know, now that I'm
married, I'm actually leaving.

I'm training my replacement, Todd.

A male secretary?

[SIGHS] Well, I suppose
I'll just have to adapt

and harass him now.

Nice penis, Todd.

Oh, Mr. Band.

Okay, good, he knows how to play along.

Yeah, this is... this'll work.

I understand you have
a mission for me, M,

which I can only
assume stands for "man."

Good morning, Mr. Band.

Whoa. My boss is the new Little Mermaid

I'm so mad about.

Mr. Band, we have reports of a plan

to intercept a European nuclear device

by the villainous mastermind, Blofella.

Got it, M.

Or-or is it maybe MHM and
you pronounce it "mm-hmm"?

M is fine.

Okay, yeah, I... times have changed

and I-I got to... I need to catch up.

♪ ♪

Oh, hey, Q. Hey, have you seen who M is?

Which I totally support, by the way.

In fact, it was my idea
and I fought for it.

You should've heard me.

Okay, just let me show you
the cutting-edge equipment

you'll need for your mission.

First, I have this fridge that
displays today's headlines.

Did... did you just go to Best Buy?

No. I also have these headphones

that block out ambient plane noise.

Yeah, you-you just went to Best Buy.

- I did not!
- So, where am I headed?

We're expecting Blofella

to attempt to intercept
the b*mb in Belgium.

Oh, awesome.

That's the country
where they basically have

dessert for breakfast, right?

Agent triple-five, I
cannot stress enough...

no dessert for breakfast.

♪ ♪

Greetings, Mr. Band,

on behalf of Belgian Secret Services.

Oh, hey. I-I'd shake your hand,

but my arm is syrup-glued to the table.

The name is Alice. Alice Boobs.

[GIGGLES] That works in two ways.

No, it's-it's really just one.

♪ ♪

Our intelligence has revealed
that the b*mb transfer is

to take place in this warehouse
for generic wooden crates.

♪ ♪

- [HELICOPTER WHIRRING LOUDLY]
- [SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

What? It's very loud.

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

We're getting none of this.

If we can't hear him,

he can't hear us saying
we can't hear him.

What a mess!

Gavin. Gavin.

Turn off... turn the helicopter off.

I-I was going to say, "Sorry
to drop in on your party,"

but, uh, feels stupid now.

Get 'em, boys.

So that's it, Blofella?

You're just gonna have us
k*lled by your henchmen?

Oh, okay, I'd rather
you not use that word.

They are independent contractors.

He doesn't want to pay us benefits.

There is an app they log
into when they want to work,

around their schedule.

I am not their employer.
The app is their employer.

Goodbye, Mr. Band.

[LAUGHING MANIACALLY]

[GRUNTING]

[GROANS]

[PETER] It wasn't looking good.

But thankfully, Q had
supplied me with...

Captain America's shield.

[QUAGMIRE] What? No, no, no.

You can't just become a
Marvel character halfway through.

[JOE] Also, we usually see all the stuff

Q gives you at the beginning.

This feels very unearned.

[PETER] Belgian intelligence
learned that Blofella's plan was

to use the nuclear
device he'd intercepted

to blow up the city of Las Vegas.

But that wasn't the only
emergency I was dealing with.

Yeah, you said everyone
in Vegas wears tuxedos,

and I'm starting to feel
pretty self-conscious.

Uh, I didn't say "definitely."

I said, "It was my understanding."

[GASPS] Agent triple-five, look.

[CHEERING]

[GASPS] Blofella. Not on my watch.

- [GRUNTS]
- [SCREAMS]

[SLOT MACHINE CHIMING]

[EXHAUSTED PANTING]

I can't find my way out.

Okay, well, that says
"breakfast buffet" that way,

but I'm pretty sure we've seen it twice.

♪ ♪

Here we are again at
North Suite Elevators.

I don't know, should
we... should we just

hit the slot machines while we're here?

No. That's why they do this.

No, no, yeah, no, I get all that,

and I hate to hold things up, but...

I mean, Santana's in his 70s.

We should probably see
him while we still can.

Eh.

[GUITAR SOLO PLAYING]

[PETER] I knew one song.

[GUITAR SOLO ENDS]

Son of a bitch.

♪ ♪

There we are. Assembly complete.

So, again, this would
be an appropriate time

for you all to please
log out of the app.

- [BAND] Ha! I got you now.
- [GASPS]

Mr. Band. How did you find me?

Honestly, I'm on a guided tour
for the movie The Hangover,

which ends on the roof.

Fun fact, g*ng... it
was actually Zach's idea

to put the sunglasses on the baby.

Okay, I see everyone
staring at the Mandalay Bay,

so I'll go ahead and tell you
which window was the sh**t's.

Well, you're too late.

In a few moments, all
of Las Vegas will be

totally wiped off the map.

[GRUNTING]

You're a madman. Why are you doing this?

I need to get out of a very
restrictive time-share deal,

and this is literally the only way out.

♪ ♪

[PETER] There was no time.

So that's when I pulled
out Kylo Ren's lightsaber

and knocked Blofella off the roof.

[SCREAMS]

[QUAGMIRE] No, no, no,
no. That's cheating.

[JOE] Also, you got a lightsaber,

and you're just gonna push a guy?

[THUD]

Oh, triple-five, you saved my life.

Make love to me right now.

I'm sorry, Alice, I can't. I'm gay.

New Bond. Edited for snowflakes.

♪ ♪

Wow, that was awesome hearing
about your dream job, Peter.

But I was actually lucky
enough to have my dream job.

At least until I lost it.

It all started years ago.

It was the 1980s, and I was living alone

in a studio apartment
with an askew poster

because bachelors never
hang their posters straight.

[PETER] Yeah, no offense, Quagmire,

but I'm gonna listen to this story

the same way I do most podcasts...

at 1.5 speed.

[QUAGMIRE, SPED UP]
I'd put on some weight

from being in an abusive
relationship with a woman...

- Mama Celeste.
- Abbondanza.

[PETER] All right, okay.
Ba-Back to normal speed.

I-I'm in. I'm hooked.

[QUAGMIRE] The other thing
about living in the '80s is that,

wherever you went, the
actual Pointer Sisters

would follow you around, singing.

[TUNE OF "JUMP [FOR MY
LOVE]"] ♪ Glenn ♪

♪ You know this man
just mailed a bill ♪

♪ To Sprint ♪

♪ It's for his phone ♪

♪ A landline phone. ♪

[QUAGMIRE] I knew I
needed to get in shape,

but the only forms of
exercise in the '80s were

roller-skating on a dance floor

or lugging around your dead
boss to use his vacation home.

Back then, there were
two things I liked:

Gyrating my pelvis

and putting vowels next to each other

that weren't normally
next to each other.

I combined those two loves

to create something called "aerobics."

Welcome aboard.

Here's your complimentary headband,

two wristbands, waistband,
thigh band, another headband.

There were a lot of bands.

[PETER] Yeah, my finger's
hovering over that 1.5 button.

[QUAGMIRE] Yeah, okay, okay, okay.

So I started teaching
classes that same week.

I even created an advanced class

based on how your body moves during sex.

I called it "Sexercise."

♪ ♪

And things took off immediately

because I gave 1980s women
exactly what they wanted:

Long, flat butts.

Come on, ladies. Longer! Flatter!

My workout program was a hit,

and soon I was ready
to take it national.

I was lucky enough to
get the chance to announce

the filming of my video on
The Tonight Show with Johnny.

[JOE] Wow! You met Johnny Carson?

[QUAGMIRE] Actually, that particular
night there was a guest host,

John Davidson, star
of That's Incredible!

So, you know, different
Johnny but still Johnny.

[PETER] No one has ever
called John Davidson "Johnny."

[QUAGMIRE] He guest-hosted


Anyway, the night's first
guest was Jane Fonda,

who was promoting 9 to 5,

by far the blousiest movie of the 1980s.

So, Glenn Quagmire.

It says here you created
an exercise craze called "aerobics."

- What inspired that?
- Well, John... ny,

one day as I did jumping
jacks alone in my apartment,

I thought, "How can I take
the worst parts of this

"and put it in a public setting?

Plus a wall of mirrors
and street-facing windows."

The interview seemed to go great.

But the next day,

I realized how truly
ruthless Jane Fonda was.

♪ ♪

Now, Mr. Quagmire, an important
part of releasing a 1980s video

is the incredibly depressing
production logo it opens with.

I have a few here to choose from.

First is some vibrating rainbow text

that never quite comes into focus.

[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh-huh, love that.

This one is just a large bouncing "V"

with an ominous keyboard noise.

[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]

Also excellent.

Or here's three capital letters

all spelled with one
thick, continuous line

atop a digital horizon.

[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]

Wow, you can't miss.
Let's go with all three.

Wait a minute. What's-what's going on?

Where are my leg warmers?

Back then, leg warmers were essential

because that was, by far,

the coldest decade from the knee down.

Did someone take my leg warmers?

In place of my leg warmers,
I found only a single note.

At first, I assumed Jodie Foster
had stolen my leg warmers,

and I was about to go take
it out on the president.

But then I realized it could
only have been one person intent

on sabotaging me... Jane Fonda.

I tried my best to soldier on.

Okay, don't look at my legs.

And one, and two... My
calves are tiny and cold.

And three, and four...

But I knew, even in the moment,

it was gonna be a disaster.

[GASPING]

I never stood a chance.

♪ ♪

[JANE FONDA] Hello, Glenn.

Sorry you failed, but...
[CHUCKLES] like they say,

all's fair in love and aerobics.

Who? Who says that? Nobody.

God, now I get why everyone's
r*cist uncle hates you.

Well, it's been nice chatting,
but if you'll excuse me,

I have to go lobby our nation

about cleaning up the
mess we made in Vietnam.

- [AUDIO SPEEDS UP] - [PETER] Sorry,
I went ahead and hit the eight-X.

[QUAGMIRE] No, you-you-you did
the, you did the right thing, Peter.

[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

Well, as far as dream jobs go,

mine's always been to do
what you do, Joe, to be a cop.

But, you know, one day
short of retirement,

since y'all got such a
nice benefits package.

Huh. Well, my dream job is to
do pretty much what I do now

but be, like, a loose cannon type cop

who doesn't care
whether he lives or dies

but can definitely walk.

♪ ♪

[CLEVELAND] It was my
last day on the job,

and I'd just taken my last office dump

when I was called into
the chief's office.

Morning, sir. You wanted to see me?

That's right. We've been tracking

a notorious drug cartel

that's been bringing
tons of cocaine into L.A.

Yes, cocaine has been ravaging
the Black community for years.

Yeah, well, some white
girl got a minor nosebleed,

so now I guess it's,
like, a big frickin' deal.

In fact, last night,
there was a huge bust.

Wow, how much was it?

And remember, we measure cocaine...

and nothing else... in only kilos.

- I don't know, 80 pounds?
- Huh?

Like, 36 kilos.

Oh, my God! That's too much kilos!

Oh, I'm also assigning
you a new partner.

But don't worry, I know
you're nearing retirement

and want a stable situation,

so I'm hooking you up with
a guy named Sergeant Maniac.

How you doing? I'm a crazy wild card

as indicated by my only
right now timely mullet.

Hmm. You ain't dressed
like a police detective.

Well, I know we're gonna be
running around chasing bad guys,

so I wore the tightest jeans I own.

Hi-ya!
Hi-ya!

Hey, why don't you come on
out to my beachside trailer

to, uh, discuss the case?

Sure. Where is it?

Eh, not in Malibu...
they wouldn't allow it...

but one of those garbage
beaches further north,

way past Moonshadows, which
is, like, the perfect place

to get drunk and tell
everybody who's responsible

for all the world's wars.

♪ ♪

[CLEVELAND] I soon realized my
new partner had serious issues.

He didn't care what kind
of dangerous stuff he did.

- [PHONE RINGS]
- Hello?

You're calling from
"credit card services"?

Great, I'll tell you my
Social Security number,

and you tell me if it
matches what you have there.

Man is insane.

Okay, and, uh, don't laugh
at my mother's maiden name.

It's kind of a goofy one.

Tinkleman. [LAUGHING]
Yeah. It's like... like pee.

I thought we were
gonna discuss the case.

Right. I'll be ready in
one minute, but first,

I've been asked to make sure
women come see the movie, too.

♪ ♪

[CLEVELAND] So my crazy partner
and I set out to solve the case

and began by looking for Leeds,

which was a somewhat
popular mattress store,

where if you said you
were a potential customer,

they'd let you take a nap
in the middle of the day.

- [SNORING]
- Sorry, guys.

My manager says you have to leave.

Leave? But my partner and I
are trying out this queen bed.

- [GIGGLES]
- What are you giggling at?

We're partners on the police force.

This guy's wearing
jeans with no underwear.

Yeah, you're cops. Sure.

♪ ♪

You guys are no closer to figuring out

who's responsible for
bringing in all this cocaine.

I got a pretty good idea.

Have you checked Temple
Shalom Yisrael in Brentwood?

It's also where they control
the weather and the Oscars.

That's it. You guys are off the case.

♪ ♪

[CLEVELAND] Since we'd
been thrown off the case,

I thought it'd be nice
to invite my partner over

- for a home-cooked
meal. - Huh.

You don't have a pitcher of iced tea?

I thought every Black family dinner

had a pitcher of iced tea.

We do have a picture of Ice-T,

right up there on the wall.

[DISPATCHER] Attention,
all units, be advised

of a possible drug deal at the dock.

That's not far from here.

No way. We were taken off that case.

Yeah, but we can be there before
even the closest patrol car.

♪ ♪

There, look. Quick,
pull over and let me out.

- What?
- I'm gonna run the rest of the way.

I assure you the car will be faster.

See you there.

♪ ♪

[GRUNTS]

[PANTING, GRUNTING]

Been waiting here for six minutes.

Okay, okay, okay, so, six-minute mile.

Not bad for jeans and no underpants.

You got any glovebox Vaseline in there?

It's the chief. What the hell?

[YELLS]

The chief has been the mastermind

of the cocaine cartel all along.

That might explain why he
always calls me at 3:00 a.m.

with screenplay ideas.

[PHONE RINGING]

[GRUNTS] Hello?

[CARTER] Okay, hear me out.

It's Die Hard, but in a building.

Die Hard is in a building.

Hmm, I don't know. Here,
listen to me watch it,

and we'll find out.

[20TH CENTURY FOX FANFARE
PLAYING OVER PHONE]

[BOTH GRUNT]

Give it up. You guys
can't arrest me anyway.

I have diplomatic immunity.

- You do?
- On what basis?

Yeah, I'm a citizen of Margaritaville.

I even have this hat from a
recent vacation to prove it.

[GROWLS] Too bad.

Your diplomatic immunity's
just been revoked.

[GROANS]

The officer's actions, while illegal,

were justified by a
snappy line. Movie over.

[OMINOUS SYNTH MUSIC PLAYING]

[QUAGMIRE] I was also a
producer on this project.