02x06 - Not Going Home Yet

[bunniefuu]

♪

What? No soap?

Ugh!

C'mon. Oh!

Where are the towels?

Come on!

♪

Ugh!

♪

Ugh! What happened
with all my face wash?

You have toilet paper on your face.

Yeah, 'cause my towel's also gone.

And I know it's not you
because you're very particular,

but could you please tell
Lexi to stop using my stuff?

- Nope. Can't do it.
- Why?

Our relationship is purely sexual,

and that falls outside
the purview of our dynamic.

But you could talk to her.

- Mm.
- And while you are,

would you please ask her to not use

- my sushi Kn*fe to cut her bread?
- No.

She's your [STAMMERS]

whatever she is.

I just want my Cetaphil and my space.

I understand.

Well, see you later.

[SIGHS]

♪

Oh, my God. What are you doing in here?

Oh, I hope you don't mind.

I just needed some space.

Uh, Edward just went to work.

You could always use his room.

Oh, but his mattress is so flat

from all of our robust sexing.

Yours is like new.

Still so plush and fluffy.

- Thank you.
- So now that our liaisons

are out in the open,

I guess I'm not sure what

Edward and I are to one another.

Are we courting? Am I his boo?

Either way, I'd like to get
him a token of my admiration.

- And I need your help.
- Oh, yeah,

I-I-I'd prefer not to chime in,

because, you know, you're my boss.

But you know him so well,

and he only knows my bathing suit area.

[GAGS]

Oh, I could get him a razor

- or a wallet.
- sh**t.

- Got to get to work.
- Of course.

We'll continue this later.

Wa... We will?

We work together, silly.

We have all day to discuss this.

♪

And so, another workday
draws to a close.

As you return to your tiny apartments,

just know that you have
done an adequate job.

Oh, my. [GASPS]

Oh, I am so sorry, Mr. Rhodes.

I really need to watch where I'm going.

[CHUCKLES] Geez, I'm a menace.

Dennis the Menace. [CHUCKLES]

You do realize that we have

a very strict drug policy here, right?

Oh, God. No, I-I-I'm not on...

You on the booger sugar?

- No. Absolutely not.
- No? You're not?

- No. Never.
- Okay. Relax around me.

- Okay?
- Okay. Thank you, sir. [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

- Boo.
- [SCREAMS]

- [CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
- Okay.

Yeah. [LAUGHS]

That was very funny, Mr. Rhodes.

Wow.

How bad was that?

Why are you so nervous around him?

I don't know, because he owns the paper

and he's built like a redwood.

Dennis, Duncan is no
more than a egotistical,

out-of-touch narcissist.

There's no reason to
be intimidated by him.

Dennis, we've got breaking news.

A big fire on the 5 Freeway.

[GROANS] But I was
just about to head out.

Okay, I'll call them and tell them

to keep it lightly burning

until it's a better time for you.

It's a fire, Dennis!

Fine. Send Kevin to the
scene and I'll get a comment

- from the fire chief.
- All right.

Girl, you are so lucky

you're just the Lifestyle editor.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah.

Just the Lifestyle editor.

Whoa! Hey, hey, hey!

- Shh!
- What are you... What? What?

What?

I've been working in here all day.

Baby, I told you not to eat
that vending machine tuna salad.

No, I'm hiding from Lexi.

Ever since I found out what's going on

between her and Edward, she's been

asking me relationship questions.

Go easy on her, okay?

She hasn't dated in like 15 years.

This is really hard for her.

It's really hard for me, too.

Yesterday, she came into the bathroom

while I was going.

Brah, do you know how invasive...

- [TOILET FLUSHES]
- ... that is?

Yes, I do.

Oh.

- Cheryl's not a hand washer.
- Ugh!

- Good to know.
- Trust me, I know Lexi can be a lot,

but it can't be that bad.

She used my lipliner to do her Sudoku.

- Yeah, we got to get you out. This is disgusting.
- Thank you.

- Let's go.
- Has anyone seen

Nell Serrano?

Go!

Go, go, go, go, go. Go left. Left. Left.

Your other left. Your oth...

Your other left.

Go straight.

Now go around that desk.

About 5'3"? Disheveled?

Straight. Straight.

Take a right.

Take a right.

- Down.
- Well, this is a problem.

- Lower.
- I need to know where she is at all times.

- Get lower.
- We should be putting trackers on her.

♪

Oh. Hey, you.

- Hey, Lara Croft.
- Hey.

Sorry, uh...

Lexi's sorta dating my roommate,

and I'm just, uh, trying
not to get involved.

Sounds sorta complicated.

Ah.

Instead of dive
rolling, have you thought

of maybe setting some
boundaries with her?

Set boundaries with my boss?

[LAUGHS] No.

I mean, if I say
something that offends her,

she might, you know, make me
an obituary writer forever.

- I'll just stick to hiding.
- In that case,

there's a clear path to the...

- Bye.
- ... elevator.

♪

Murmur, murmur, murmur.

LEXI: Oh! Nell! There you are!

Huh? Lexi. Where have you been?

I've been thinking on
the gift for Edward,

and I've decided to purchase him

a new cellphone case.

Can't you just talk to Sam about this?

No. She doesn't know Edward like you do.

And she frequently forgets his name

and refers to him as "Scrawny Johnny."

Please, Nell, I need your help.

- Yeah, it's ju...
- DENNIS: All right, listen up, people.

- Huh?
- Got a freeway fire,

a mountain lion loose in Altadena,

and now a state senator
caught taking bribes.

Call your families,
tell them you will not be

coming home for dinner tonight.

We got ourselves a news-valanche.

[ALL GROANING]

News-valanche. Bummer.

Okay. Good night.

- DENNIS: Nell, hold up.
- Huh?

It's gonna be a busy
night for you, also.

- Why?
- Two ambulance-chasing lawyers

were on their way to the freeway fire

when, ironically, they crashed
into an ambulance and d*ed.

- Try not to make it funny.
- Okay.

- Well, this is perfect.
- Yeah.

This means that you and I are
going to be together all night.

Yay!

- Yay!
- Yay!

Yay!

DUNCAN: What the hell
is a news-valanche?

Oh, every once in a while,

several big news stories
break all at once,

and we have to cover them
all for the morning edition.

It's an avalanche of news

or, if you will, a "news-valanche."

So you think the kid
really has enough backbone

- to run this thing?
- Oh, yeah,

a news-valanche is where
Dennis really shines.

Cheryl, I still need a comment

- on the bribery scandal.
- On it, Boss.

Mason, where are we with the pizzas?

- Well, I-I...
- "I-I-I... "

What are you, an optometrist?

Get us the pizzas here, I don't care

if you have to bake them yourself.

- Hmm. Not bad.
- DENNIS: All right, come on, people.

Let's see some hustle.

If you wanted a job
with short work hours,

you should have become a DJ.

Finally. Thank you.

So, who are these obituaries for?

Partners at a law firm.

Jerry Grady and Greg Blitt.

Oh, I know their commercials.

♪ Call injury attorneys
Grady and Blitt ♪

♪ We'll get you a
settlement lickety-split ♪

Your name just had to go
before mine, didn't it?

It's a jingle. Has to rhyme, dumbass.

You're the dumbass, dumbass.

Oh, you are so lucky you get to go home.

Oh, I'm not leaving.
Last news-valanche I left

because they didn't need
the Lifestyle editor,

and I missed all the excitement.

Not to mention the inside jokes.

I mean, I still don't know why

they call Steve "Wet Steve."

[LAUGHS]

I totally forgot about "Wet Steve"!

That was the great...
that... You didn't...

Pbht. You didn't miss nothing.

All right, I'm gonna go see if
Dennis needs me for anything.

Okay. Bye.

Okay. Let's get these obits done.

BLITT: Be sure to mention that
when he hit that ambulance,

he was looking at the car radio.

Yeah, because I didn't want to listen

to the Goo Goo Dolls,

unlike some wusses I work with.

Their music is very uplifting!

Okay, I need some coffee for this.

Hey, little buddy, color me impressed

with the way you're
running the ship here.

I'm not a journalist, per se.

I purchased the paper just
to fill out my vast portfolio.

But I have to say, it's so fun

watching everyone scurry around.

Dennis, Wet Steve got the copier

all wet and now it's broken.

Oh, damn it, Wet Steve.

You know, I used to be a repairman

before I built my lightbulb empire.

I could probably fix that.

Great. Yes, just do that.

I charge 80 bucks an hour.

Fine.

I'm kidding.

I'm a katrillionaire.

Ah!

Come on.

Ugh!

Please, please step aside, sir.

You see, the trick is

to give it a good
whack on the right side.

Right about...

Hey! Oh!

[LAUGHS] That's a score.

A twofer.

Wow. Two? What am I gonna do with two?

- [LAUGHS]
- Milady?

- Stop!
- Yeah.

Funyuns for dinner?

- You betcha.
- [CHUCKLES]

What are you still doing here?

Well, it's March Madness,

the Miami Open, and the Gold Cup.

It's what we call...

- a "sports-nado."
- Sports-nado.

- How's the situation with Lexi?
- It's stressful,

but work seems to be keeping her busy.

Oh, Nell, I texted Edward
to find out what he'd like,

but he hasn't gotten back to
me, and it's been 10 minutes.

What should I do? Do I
send him an "e-mo-zhi"?

Uh, L-Lexi?

Um...

I think we should set some boundaries

to keep our work life

and our personal life separate.

Maybe there's someone else
you can talk to about this.

Quit your begging. Yes, I'll help you

- with your love life.
- Oh, I don't think

- you're the person I need to be...
- Lexi.

I've had more boos, baes, and zaddies

than you can imagine. Is she serious?

- I've seen her HR file.
- Oh.

Hey, if you wanna keep getting ghosted,

it's no skin off my back.

But if you want to hook
that marlin, come with me.

I guess I'm going deep
sea fishing with Tina.

Oh. Oh.

Hey, Jared, there's no "u" in "inferno."

- Anything I can do to help?
- Right now,

all of the reporters are on
crunch time, but thank you.

I'm a reporter. I mean, I
went to journalism school.

Yes, I know. This is an emergency,

not a fashion emergency.

But, hey, if that mountain lion shows up

in culottes, I will let you know.

How's it going, Boss?

I call you "Boss" ironically,

because, well, obviously I'm your boss.

So I rolled up the old shirt sleeves,

handmade in "Barthelona,"

and, uh, got under the
hood of that copier.

Yes. Great, great. So then it's fixed.

Oh, no, no, it isn't.
It's a... It's a mess.

No. No, no. No.

It's funny, when I started
in the lightbulb biz,

things were built to last.

You know what they used to do?

They would... They would coat the bulb

in a silica and...

Cram your bulbs, Duncan!

What?

If you want to be a team player,

I need you to start acting like it.

I need your loyalty.
I need your expertise.

Right now, our light table is broken,

and if we do not fix it,

we do not get to lay
out the morning edition.

Can I count on you to fix it?

♪

You got it, Boss.

And that time I meant it.

Sam, go with him.

Oh. What now?

So, tell me how you guys met.

Oh, you mean the worst day of my life

including today, when I d*ed

in a massive fireball?

- And here we go.
- I wanted to help people

by being a pro bono defense attorney.

But then he talked me
into personal injury law,

and now our faces are on billboards

and urinal cakes.

I've texted Edward 26 times,

and he still hasn't responded.

Normally, I would fire him,

but that doesn't feel applicable here.

- Trust me. Keep texting him.
- Really?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

Oh, I-I really don't think that...

Nope, no, no, not getting involved.

Those urinal cakes paid for our boat.

It's your boat.
I would never buy a boat.

And if I did, I wouldn't name
it Hit It & Acquit It.

Should I send someone
to drive by his house?

Lexi, come on.

- Of course that's the right thing to do.
- I knew it.

Oh, my God, I have to go
work somewhere quieter,

like a Chuck E. Cheese.

Oh. It's, uh...

♪

DUNCAN: You know, when I
started out as a repairman,

I was so broke, the only thing I had

were my grandfather's tools

and this b*at-up van
I used to sleep in.

[SCOFFS] I ate beans for every meal

for like eight months.

Hey, do you know what
the best dessert bean is?

- Mnh-mnh.
- Pinto.

Wow. I had no idea.

The pinto is the most versatile bean.

No, I mean, I had no idea

that you were a self-made man.

You just seem so... elitist.

Thank you.

All right, now,

let's see what we got here, huh?

Come on, baby.

Ha ha! Look at that.

All right, I guess I'm just gonna go

tell everyone that old man Rhodes

is still pretty useful.

Yeah. No, wait. Stop. Actually,
I can't let you go out there,

'cause now I realize
that you are a human being

with something
approximating human emotions.

W-W-What do you mean? I
just fixed this bad boy.

Actually, um, we use a computer
to do all of our layouts.

We have since the '90s.

This is... an antique.

Like me.

Mm-hmm.

So I guess Dennis thinks

that I'm so useless that, uh...

he has to give me a babysitter, huh?

I'm so useless I need to
be your babysitter.

Mine's worse.

Hey. Hey.

Don't you have a sports-quake

to be working on?

Um, it's called a "sports-nado."

- Oh.
- [LAUGHS]

And I'm on break. How you doing?

Okay. I came here to focus,

but all I can think about
is how annoying Lexi is.

You know, Edward is
not gonna respond well

to all those texts.

He gets upset when there's, like,

too many marshmallows in his cocoa.

I'm sure they'll work it out.

Yeah, but they're both
just so weird about dating

and they don't know how to communicate.

I-I think I'm gonna get
involved just this one time.

Just...

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

- Yello.
- Dude, why aren't you

responding to Lexi's texts?

I got overwhelmed after
three consistent texts,

so I muted my messages.

Well, just please respond
to your girlfriend.

Thank you. Bye.

See? Just needed a little nudge.

- Problem solved.
- [RINGTONE PLAYS]

Okay.

He's probably calling
me back to thank me.

- Mm-hmm?
- My girlfriend?

Did she call herself that?

I mean, I don't...

I don't... I think maybe
Tina might have said it.

Tina? Who's Tina?

Is Lexi talking to other people

about our relationship?

- Uh...
- I could get past

the 47 text messages,

but the rest of this

is very concerning.

[LINE DISCONNECTS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

It's all gonna be fine.

- Really?
- Oh. Definitely not.

Hey, fam!

So what's the sitch on the texting, huh?

Did, uh, Edward hit you back?

Oh, I thought you didn't
want to be involved.

What? Naw, girl, I am all in.

Not like there's
anything to be in about.

Everything's totes
normal sauce over here.

Yes, it is totes normal sauce.

As Edward just texted that

he's on his way to see me.

- Isn't that great?
- It is.

You know what you should do?

You shouldn't be here when he gets here.

You know, you want to
play it hard to get.

Maybe go home or use that bunker

that you've been talking about.

- Really?
- Mm.

Tina suggested I coat
myself in olive oil

and serve myself up like human sushi.

- No. Um...
- What?

You want allure. You want mystery.

Come on, let's get you out of here.

- [GASPS]
- Edward.

- Lexi.
- What's wrong? You look distressed.

Did you accidentally eat a gluten?

Nell told me what's been going on.

First you call yourself my girlfriend...

That was my bad.

... when we haven't had a discussion

about what we are yet.

And then I hear you're
talking to people in the office

about the status of our relationship.

Just Tina. And who's she
gonna tell, her dolls?

And you're sending me
dozens and dozens of texts,

and it's starting to
make me feel overwhelmed.

Well, then, it seems we
have a lot to discuss.

Yes. We do.

♪

[DOOR CLOSES]

NELL: You guys, look at them.

It's my fault. They're gonna break up.

Isn't that what you wanted?

What?

No, I mean, not like this.

I-I just thought they'd
get annoyed with each other

like everyone else.

So we had a very long conversation,

and we've reached an understanding.

Neither of us know what this is,

but we like each other,
and we're gonna go

on a formal date to
see where it may lead.

Hey, that's awesome.

Yes, but we do still have a major issue

in our relationship.

- I'm sure the two of you can...
- It's you, Nell.

- Me?
- You got way too involved

in our relationship tonight.

What we're saying is
we're going to need you

to respect our boundaries.

That's all I've been trying to do.

See, I told you she would
make it all about her.

No, no, I-I just want to
do my work and go home.

But no. I can't escape the
two of you and your drama.

It is not my fault the two of you

do not know how to communicate.

- Hey, slick.
- Yeah?

- Can I borrow you for a second?
- Yeah.

Ah!

[TO THE TUNE OF "DANNY
BOY"] ♪ Oh, Duncan Boy ♪

♪ The bulbs, the bulbs are dying ♪

Could your sadness just be,
like, a little less musical?

Forgive me.

I just learned that I'm a husk of a man

with nothing left to offer.

I'm sorry. Are you depressed right now?

You have money and power and Scotch

that tastes like it
was made by baby angels.

If anybody gets to be
depressed right now, it is me.

Because nobody respects
the Lifestyle editor.

I'm gonna let you in on a secret.

I've been looking at our circulation,

and people do not buy
this paper to read about

what's going on in the world.

They buy it for the Lifestyle section.

Wow.

- Mm.
- Thank you.

I really needed to hear that.

So does that mean I get a raise?

I can't help you with that.

Okay.

♪ From glen to glen ♪

Please tell me you do
not live on the roof

of the parking structure.

It's just a private spot I like to go to

when I'm about to go off on my boss.

Okay, I see where this is going.

I'm terrible at setting boundaries.

No, you're great at setting boundaries.

You just suck at keeping them.

Turns out when Nell Serrano
cares about somebody,

she can't help but get involved.

I hope I'm not
overstepping any boundaries

when I say I think you want

Edward and Lexi to be a couple.

What? No. Do I? Yes. Damn it.

Sorry.

I just... I want them to be happy.

I do, and it seems like they're happy.

But, you know, all the robust sexing

and Lexi in my personal space,

- it's gonna suck for me.
- Well...

when you feel overwhelmed,
you can always come up here.

Here? Oh, but this is your creepy nook.

It's creepy enough for the both of us.

- I don't know.
- And look.

- We got beers.
- What?

Warm, and possibly expired.

[LAUGHS] Well, it
never stopped me before.

So when do you have to get back

to your sports-nado?

Oh, that ended a few hours ago.

Just want to stick around
and make sure you were okay.

That's incredibly sweet.

♪

[SIGHS] All right.

You can have the cold one.

There was a cold one this whole time?

Give me that! [CHUCKLES]

Eyes up, team.

We have officially made our deadline.

This news-valanche is over!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Hey, sport, you know, I had my doubts,

but I got to admit, you
showed a lot of guts tonight.

I'm so tired. I just
want to see my family.

That's disappointing.

Oh, Sam, I am so sorry
I made you babysit him.

You are so much more valuable than that.

Oh, yeah, I know that now.

Good.

♪

I'm gonna get in on this.

Yeah.

Hey!

Mm!

♪

Guys.

[SAM AND DENNIS SNORING]

Did you fall asleep standing u... Oh!

Whoa. Oh, there's a
lot of dead weight here.

Ah!

[DOOR CLOSES]

Ugh.

LEXI: Nell, are you awake?

[GASPS]

What can I do for you, Lexi?

I've done some reflection,

which is something
that I normally despise.

But I've realized that Edward and I

take up space in your life.

Yes. Nighty night.

And after our argument last night,

we plan to have a lot of
vigorous sex this evening.

So I thought that you
deserved some quiet.

♪

Wha...

A complimentary night at the Waldorf?

Yes, and unlike a motel,
when you leave your room,

you're still inside a building.

This is so nice.

I would have thought you'd
use this for you and Edward,

but for me?

Yes, that is a better idea, isn't it?

Oh.

Edward, we're going to the Waldorf!

[GROANS]