01x02 - D'wasg

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic hip-hop music]

- ♪ Take that, take that ♪

♪ ♪

- [dreamily] Welcome to Wickie's world!

No shoes, bare feet, or socks, please.

I always wanted to live on a cliff,

so I designed this Malibu home myself.

Isn't it stunning?

And the theme I always came back to was

"purple expensive."

I commissioned this mantle.

Now that I've gone solo,

I need a place for all my future awards.

♪ ♪

I love to just sit here and get ideas like,

a duet with Prince

that gives poor people a Christmas.

Here, of course, is my solo album,

"Yesternights."

This is a film I recently completed with Jose.

I played Dr. Janet Dress,

and what drew me to this role

was that... I believe we were spies...

as well as my love of all things humor.

[laughs nasally]

[music slows]

[clears throat]

I saw on this program that Ms. Missy Elliott

has a bed that looks like a Ferrari.

Well, I do Missy one better

by having a car

that looks like a bed.

It's Sealy Posturepedic for Alfa Romeo.

[smooches]

[engine revs] Vroom, vroom.

Bye, "Cribs."

Luxury forever!

[engine roars]

[upbeat music]

all: ♪ We're gonna be famous five-ever ♪

♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ We're gonna be famous three-gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's one more ♪

♪ Than together ♪

♪ We're gonna be famous five-ever ♪

♪ 'Cause forever's too short ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[objects crash]

-Fireworks or terrorism?
-Hmm?

♪ ♪

- Oh, it's just Wickie.

- You're welcome. I'm organizing.

- Is that a trash pile?

- Of course not. It's to donate.

I'm very giving.

- That's our microwave.

- It has a button that says "baked potato."

Invest in yourself.

- I do. I wash my bra every other week.

- A clean, fresh space is my gift to you

for letting me stay here.

I have an eye for this.

Every interior designer I've
ever worked with has said,

"Then why don't you just do it?"

- [sniffs]

Ugh, buddy. Your poopy's out.

- I told her.

- You told her?
[chuckles]

- Wickie's presence is, uh, palpable.

Why does she have six toothbrushes?

- Some are for eyebrows and suedes.

- I gotta say, it's starting to feel a little--

- Do not say "You, Me and Dupree."

This is temporary.

We have our first group strategy session today.

And as soon as we start booking gigs,

she'll get her own place.

- A curling iron is on in a child's room.

- Sorry, honey.

At least you get the place to yourself today.

Because this afternoon,

Max is going to the Bernardones' birthday party.

- Yes, Declan's coming over
to watch the Tour de Fresno.

- Biking?

- Cycling.

I got my eyes on Primas Pacas.

He was a forceps baby,

so his head really slices through the wind.

-Hey, Richard.
-Scott.

- No Black men are named Scott.

- [sighs] Scottie Pippen.

Kid Cudi. Travis Scott.
-Sure.

If you're gonna be around later,

do you mind signing for a package?

I have a few essentials coming from Los Angeles.

- Sure. No problem.

- Is that a hat from Boost Mobile?

[quirky music]

You'll thank me.

[doorbell buzzes]

- Ding-dong, mommies.

-[scoffs]
-Oh, my God.

Flash flood or Amber alert or what?

- No, it's just--

It's been a couple days since we did "Fallon"

and Kev hasn't reposted it yet

even though I post all of his TV appearances.

- Hey, what's up?

I'm here with an exclusive look

at the flight paths celebrities often take

from Los Angeles to Miami,

passing over Tampa completely.

- I wouldn't worry about
who's posting what, but...

[sighs] I will say that

the fact that Kev lives in a different city is--

- No! Kev and I are amazing!

We are so cute. It's frickin' gross.

We were Zales ambassadors.

[front door clicks]

- It begins.

[Summer and Gloria sigh dreamily]

-[chuckles]
-I love her.

- Girls5eva is back.

Femperors of our own fempire.

Haters can say that we're one-hit wonders,

but they forget that we have a secret w*apon.

- My boot Kn*fe?

We keep a lot of cash at the office.

- Our trademark.

Dwasg. [all gasp]

- What's the story of that?

- Well, Mr. King,

"dwasg" is our word for
this electric feeling we all get

when we're performing together
and we're just in the zone.

- We all get chicken nipples.
[clears throat]

I guess out east, you call them goosebumps.

- It's made from the first letters of our names.

- Is it you're just inventing words?

- Uh, yeah. That's how words work, Larry.

They're all made up.

Ham. Diner.

France. Shoulders! [all laughing]

"Shoulders."
-"Shoulders"!

[all sigh]

- And even though Ashley lost her battle

with the infinity pool,

we still had our dwasg at Fallon!

- Ash was probably watching from above.

- Or below.

She used to curse and masturbate, so...

- Now look, I know the business.

It's all about capitalizing on heat.

And right now, Girls5eva has a little heat!

[all cheer]
-True!

I saw a new clickbait ad that said

you won't believe which one
of us is Haley Joel Osment now.

- We have to turn that heat into a fire

that sh**t us to the stage!

At...

- Oh!

There's a chalkboard right there.

- Jingle Ball.

- Oh, my God! Yes!

The greatest concert in the world.

- The concert that bumped us in 2001.

-Well...
-It's not just a concert.

It is a coronation.

It is how we will know
that we have truly arrived.

-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.

And look who played the year we got bumped.

P! Nk, Alicia Keys, Jay-Z.

All not dentists now.

- Great!

So we know where we need to be in December.

So what's our first move, ladies?

[inspiring music]

- [starts, sighs]

[comical music]

♪ ♪

Announcer: Still pedaling.

And here comes more pedaling!

- Oh! You called it.

-I I did. Called it.
-Ah! His head is a Kn*fe!

[doorbell buzzes]

Who is it?

- Delivery for Wickie Roy.

- Come on up.

- Curbside. Come to curb.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- This is essentials?

No. No, no, no, no, no!

Hang on.

Dawn, Wickie's package is a grand piano

from the future.

Oh, God.

A bird just flew into it. Call me.

No. No, no, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no. Wait, wait, wait. Don't go.

Sorry. You have to take
it back or move it for us.

- Curbside!

- But Declan has cycling arms.

- You sign for this?

- What's that thing made of?

- You have something?

- No.

I thought it might help me think

if I wrote "think, assh*le"
in really big letters.

- Why don't we know what to do?

Why can't we make any decisions?

- Because, look, we never got
to make group decisions before.

Larry made them all for us.

- Ashley. Ashley and Summer: Yeah?

- You're Summer now

because we already have an Ashley.

And Wickie, you can't wear those braids on TV.

-Why?
-It's a white hairstyle.

Christina, Gwen Stefani,

Travolta in "b*ttlefield Earth."

- That wasn't okay, Larry.

- God, that Larry. He really stunk.

He'd be all, "Lose ten pounds,"

and I'd do it, and then, he'd go,

"Not from there! From the legs, kid.

From the legs!"

- Did he always say messed up stuff to you

right before a show?

- Oh, you mean his little pep talks?

"You're this close to being the hot one, Summer."

- "You inspire fans 'cause you
show them anyone can do it."

- He'd stare at me and pretend to be on the phone

with Nicole Scherzinger and go,

"Let's see how she does
tonight before you get on a plane."

- Well, we don't need Larry anymore.

Half the gigs he booked us weren't even real.

- First show ever!
[overlapping chatter]

- Santa's in his workshop

working on an Arby's beef and cheddar.

Go. Get up on his platform and sing!

Don't worry about security.
-Okay!

- The most they've got is a stick.

Go! Win hearts! [group chattering]

And show your stomachs!

All: We are Girls5eva!

- That is our first move.

Go back to where it all began.

-God's finger?
-The Queen of Plaza mall?

- That show put us on the map.

I say we pop back up in there

and make an official announcement

that Girls5eva is back!

-Oh, my God! Yes!
-It's hot.

And it's buzzy. And it's free.

And I've got a pair of Skechers I need to return.

- We'll roll in with cordless mics,

sing a song that really shows off our dwasg,

and get out before we're swarmed by fans.

- Oh, my gosh!
[breathing heavily]

- "Massive Girls5eva announcement.

"8:00 p.m. tomorrow.

Instagram Live."

-Tomorrow?
-While we have heat.

And... tagging industry bigshots!

Simon Cowell.

Babyface. Babylegs.

-All the babies!
- "#Newspapers."

- Oh, my God. Okay.

Well, we can get a pop-up show together by then.

Let's warm up with some Britney scales.

- #FreeBritney.

All: [vocalizing nasally]

[voices warbling]

- [grunts] Jesus!

- Isn't Ghislaine gorgeous?

-[scoffs]
-I named her 20 years ago.

It was a pretty name
then. It's a pretty name now.

I'm not changing it.
-[huffs]

Was it always this big?

- She's made by the same people

that make realtor excellence awards,

and I'm loving the conversation she's having

with your pile of shoes.

- [groans] Oh, my God.

- Oh! Oh, my God!

Oh, honey. Are you okay?

- Moving that thing took all day.

I tweaked my L5.

Declan blew out his arms.

And Max had to spend an extra three hours

at the Bernardone's.

He saw the Elmo get in his car and drive home.

- God, that could really mess a kid up!

- Dawn, she can't keep this here.

- Minor thing.

You may wanna rotate Ghislaine


because if the sun hits her at that angle,

she could become a prism and start fires.

- I'll talk to her.

Maybe she can put it in storage or...

give it to David Blaine and
he can hold his breath in it.

- If we really wanna blow
the doors off that mall,

we should do "Dream Girlfriends."

Big-time dwasg song.

-Yeah. Love it.
-Great.

I'll text the girls.

- Hey, so you know when an Italian family

puts a giant fountain on their tiny front lawn

and it looks insane?

- Dawn, I know this piano doesn't quite jive

with your flyover state aesthetic...

- I will say,

my brother recently was
paid in some storage units,

and once he clears out the fake skin products--

- You know,

this is the first thing I bought

when Girls5eva took off.

- How? We only ever got a per diem.

- Constellation of credit cards, but...

after "Yesternights" underperformed,

"Mr. Dress" swept the Razzies,

and the Hair and Makeup
Guild put an inflatable rat

outside my house for human rights abuses,

the phone just stopped ringing.

Eventually, the creditors took everything

except this piano because...

I sincerely don't think they saw it.

I know it's big and absurd,

but when I look at it, it makes
me feel like I can do anything,

like there's greatness in me...

and us.

- Well, I love it.
[both laugh]

It's very special.
-It is.

[playing piano slowly] ♪ I made love ♪

[riffing soulfully] ♪ To Ja Rule on it ♪

[brass music]

- Good morning, my beautiful girls.

Look who's FaceTiming.

- Oh, it's Kev. Hey, Kev.

- Hey. I hear you have a big performance tonight.

- Oh, yeah. We do.

- I just wanna say, I'm super excited for you.

You're gonna do great.

- Aw! Thank you, honey bunny.

- So have a great show,
and congratulations to all.

'Cause Kev from the Boys Next Door thinks...

♪ You're too pretty for college ♪

- This is a Cameo?

- She bought a Cameo from her husband

to make us think he's FaceTiming.

Good Lord.

- So thanks for being a fan, stranger.

- Oh, wow! Okay.

Hi! Good morning.
-Hi.

Okay, show's tonight.

Where's Gloria?

[cell phone rings]

- Okay, let's rehearse.

- "Let's rehearse"? Where are you?

- I'm in the office; I have
an emergency tooth abscess.

- Come on, Gloria!

- Uh, does this look like it can wait?

-Oh. Oh, gross.
-Ugh. Ew.

- But I can do both. 'Cause he's sedated, so...

-Ooh.
-All right. Let's go.

"Dream Girlfriends."

One, two, three. And...

all: ♪ Ooh ♪

- Have you ever wanted

the perfect girl... [gags]

-Oh!
-What?

- I'm so sorry.

This guy's mouth is like

a straight sh*t down to his assh*le.

It's foul.

Let's do this. Back to one.
-Okay.

All: ♪ Ooh ♪
-Have you ever wanted--

[phone chimes]

- [groans, laughs]

- How do I stop this?

Do I press End and Accept?

- No, it's Ignore and Accept.

- No, it's Ignore and Hold-- you know what?

I'll do it--sh*t!

- I was wrong.

There's not zero interest in Girls5eva.

-Larry, look at the phone!
-You did a FaceTime, Larry.

- I did?

Well, hang on.

No.

Wait a minute.

Okay. Okay.

I got a call.

Eric Tr*mp Casino University
needs someone to play

between MMA fights while they mop up blood.

Four grand, minus my 80%.

BYO-mop.

- Well, what about buckets?

- Girls5eva does not need
your toxic energy, Larry.

- I'm not toxic anymore.

I have a gratitude journal.

Today, I'm grateful for my health

and mannequins that have nipples.

-There's no L in dwasg, Larry.
-Yeah.

- Fine. I'll ask about buckets.

-Oh!
-Your mouth is disgusting!

Oh, we're back. I'm sorry.

Come on. Back to one.

All: ♪ Ooh ♪
-Have you ever wanted...

- I wanna play with Mommy.

Mommy, Mommy, I wanna play with you.

- Mommy's working, honey.

- Dawn, come on. Get it together, here.

This guy just bit me. Come on.

- I wanna stay with Mommy.
I wanna stay with Mommy.

All: ♪ Ooh ♪
-The perfect girl...

- Mommy, Mommy, I want to stay with you.

- ...to fit in your world?

-I wanna stay with you.
-Sorry.

- Because we already real--
Oh, I almost cut through.

Oh, God damn it!
-Mommy, I wanna play with you!

- You know what? Dwasg
cannot thrive in these environs.

It's a soufflé, not a duck cake.

- I mean, I feel like I'm smelling sh*t

that he ate, like, a year and a half ago.

[gags]

- That's our bedroom.

- My grilled cheese is cold.

- Oh, it's fine.

I didn't use any product.

- Did you talk to Wickie?

- Maybe we could just watch TV

through the piano.

I can't ask her to get rid of it.

It inspires her.

- Most people have smaller things that do that.

For me, it's a picture of
our family in a men's locket.

- What makes it a men's locket?

- It attaches to my belt and has a bottle opener.

Look, you know I support Girls5eva,

but that piano doesn't fit into our life.

Max keeps bumping into it.

Now he's not sure what's
a real object and what's not.

- I see the benefits of a cautious child.

- If you can't be the bad guy, I will.

[distant piano notes]

Wait, did she move it?

♪ ♪

- Thanks for driving us, Nick.

- No problem. Hey, you guys want party lights?

Check this out.

I rent this thing out for proms,

TikToks, Russian airport pickups.

- Okay, once we get Summer, we'll have 24 minutes

to rehearse and fire up the dwasg.

- Okay.

- You guys!

Look! Kev sent me flowers.

Like, for real.

Not like me pretending that he sent them.

- Can you hear yourself, Summer?

- Not when you're talking, no. Mm-mm.

- [whispers] I sent them.

She deserves to be happy before that marriage...

[imitates expl*si*n]

- That's really sweet short-term thinking.

-Thank you.
-Ooh!

@babylegs wrote, "Can't
wait," with a baby foot emoji.

-[gasps]
-The world is watching.

We're one baby step closer to Jingle Ball.

Let's go.
-Okay.

- "Dream Girlfriends." From the top.

Two, three, four.

[all vocalizing]

- Have you ever wanted

the perfect girl?

♪ ♪

all: ♪ You'll never want to ♪

♪ Wake up from ♪

♪ Us ♪

- You know, it's working, but, like,

I'm not moved, though. But I got a high bar.

I once saw Anita Baker at the Trop.

- Nick's right. Let's go again.

Everybody sing from your diaphragm.

- Which one?

- Honey, you don't leave those in all the time.

- I'm getting you a book.

- Two, three, four.

[sharp percussion]

- ♪ Us ♪

- Competent, but feel my eyes. They're bone dry.

- Where is our dwasg? Why don't we have it?

What didn't we do?

- Is it cocaine? I used to do so much cocaine.

- I can't do cocaine anymore.
I'm taking too many statins.

- No, we had it at "Fallon."

What--what's missing?

- How long you been there?

Boy, you have zero presence.

It's smart that your teeth aren't so great.

Like going to a bald barber.

I know he's focused on me.

I always thought you'd be the dead one.

Suck it in, chunks.

- Our dwasg is from Larry being mean to us?

- He'd make us feel small

so we'd have something to prove onstage.

- Well, you know what?

If we're gonna k*ll with this pop-up show,

then we're just gonna have to Larry each other.

Dawn, I'll start with your feet.
-No.

I don't want us motivating ourselves

by tearing each other down.

We are better than that.
-Are we?

We're four grown women

loose in the back of a cargo van.

- It's not a van, all right?

For tax purposes, it's ten wheelchairs.

- We're more than just four
women in the back of a van.

We are four women with greatness in us.

-Ghislaine.
-Exactly, Dawn.

You know, positive envisionment

can be just as powerful a motivator.

It's like when I'm working out at the gym, right?

I like to imagine myself
rescuing Christy Turlington

from Ed Burns, and then, boom!

I just start freakin' ripping down my lap pulls.

[passing driver honks horn]
-Right. Y--yeah.

So let's make ourselves
feel big instead of small.

- Okay.

- Okay, dream scenarios for tonight.

Go.
-Okay.

We k*ll at the mall.
-Mm-hmm.

- It puts us on a rocket ship to the Grammys.

And I take one of those photos that's like...

[in British accent] "I don't
know if I can carry all these!"

[laughter]
-That's a solid Adele.

- Okay, we're so awesome tonight

that my Astoria moms group stops asking me,

"What do you do again? Is it marketing?"

- Okay. Okay. My turn.

Everybody sees us, and we are amazing.

And--oh! It worked! Mine is short.

[screams] Oh, my God.

- We pop up. We blow minds.

Then, Amber Alert!

Sky-blue Taurus.

Rhode Island plates. It sounds familiar.

I sprint over to lot B,

and I pull that son of a
bitch through the windshield!

Whoo! Hell, yeah!
-Oh!

-Chicken nipples.
-Oh, my God! Me too!

-It worked.
-We're here!

- All right. We got this.

-Here we go.
-Thanks, Nick.

- Okay, ladies.

-Okay.
-Let's go destroy this mall.

- Yes!

- If they've got a Spencer's up in there,

get me some "Jerky Boys" pajamas.

[exciting synth music]

♪ ♪

[music stops]

- The hell?

- Ugh!

Oh, my God. Ew!

- The mall's already destroyed.

- I bought Skechers here, like, a month ago.

- Oh, my God.

-The mall economy is fragile.
-[yelps]

- One minute, she's a-bustlin'.

The next, m*rder*d by e-commerce.

So the suits cram her with gimmicks.

Indoor ski slope,

swim-up food court,

but that's just a Band-Aid.

And things rot pretty fast when your anchor store

is a Halloween Adventure.

- So there's nothing here?

- Outside of a post-apocalyptic
paintball scene, no.

But try next week. She could bounce back.

- Oh, yeah.

We're supposed to go live in one minute.

- We cannot pop up here.

[echoes] We'll look like idiots!

- Jesus, am I crazy...

or are the acoustics in here...

[belting powerfully] ♪ Amazing? ♪

[laughter echoing]
-Oh, my God.

You guys, look.

The O from the downed Sbarro,

it's like a ring light.

We all look... super hot.

- Okay.

Let's not waste this dwasg.

- Lady guard.

Okay, will you just press the red button?

And keep the angles hot! You know?

And vertical--no! No! Up and down.

- Go live. Okay. Ready?

[all murmuring]
-Yes. Yes. Yeah.

Hello, Internet.

We are coming to you live
from the Queen of Plaza mall...

-Whoo!
-To tell you it's dead.

-It's dead.
-But we're not.

Girls5eva is back!

[bright R&B music]
-Okay.

-Yes.
-[clears throat]

[all vocalize sweetly]

- [huskily] Have you ever wanted...

-♪ Ooh ♪
-The perfect girl...

to fit in your world?

Well, don't make a wish
because we're already real.

- ♪ Low-rise jeans with the one-tooth zipper ♪

♪ Eyebrows thin, bronzer thicker ♪

♪ Whale tail peekin', ready for the weekend ♪

♪ And our eyes are all over you, boy ♪

♪ We are ♪
all: ♪ Dream girlfriends ♪

♪ 'Cause our dads are dead ♪

♪ So you'll never have to meet them ♪

♪ And get asked why you left school ♪

♪ Dream girlfriends ♪

♪ No pushback ♪

♪ 'Cause our moms are all retired ♪

♪ And hoping for the best ♪

♪ ♪

- ♪ We've got the kind of birth control ♪

♪ That goes in your arm ♪

- ♪ And tell me again why Tarantino's a genius ♪

[splat] [grunts]

all: ♪ You'll never want to ♪

♪ Wake up from ♪

all: [harmonizing] ♪ Us ♪

- [running scales] ♪ Us ♪

- We're short,

so we don't know that you're bald.

- That was good.

And I saw Anita Baker at the Trop!

-We're back, babies!
-[cheers]

-I love you guys!
-Oh, my God, I love you!

[all cheer]

[splat]
-Ow!

-What?
-I'm being targeted.

Come on. Show yourself, dipshit.

- What?

- You're not gonna ruin my night.

- No!
[all cheer]

I love you!

-[laughing] Ladies!
-Thank you!

[both laughing]
-Oh!

Oh, I went a little nuts with
that Claire's g*n I found.

But I'm excited!

Thank you for everything.

You're my best friend.

-Aw, Wickie!
-Oh, God.

- And you're talking to the piano.

- Oh, God.

- I used to take piano
lessons in the third grade.

-Oh, you did?
-Mm-hmm.

[plays random notes]
-[chuckles]

I wonder if I remember how to play anything.

[playing "Heart and Soul"]

Everybody knows this one.

♪ ♪

- Wickie, I'm sorry. The piano's gotta go.

I'm sorry.

♪ ♪

- ♪ Heart and soul ♪

both: ♪ I fell in love with you ♪

♪ Heart and soul ♪

♪ Like any fool would do ♪

♪ Madly ♪

-♪ I love my heart and soul ♪
-♪ It didn't work ♪

- ♪ La, la ♪

-Were we loud?
-No.

It's perfect.

I'm okay with all of it.

- You should've seen Dawn tonight.

- Yes. Show me. I don't do Instagram.

Just Pinterest for outdoor vests.

- Hmm.

- Ooh, our dwasg was f*ring hard!

- I'm sure.

Wait, why didn't you guys call it "d'swag"?

- Ugh, gosh, you don't know
anything about the business.

Oh, wait. That is way better.

Either way,

once in a millennia, a performance comes along

that just--

It captures the imagination of a generation.

And...
-It's gone.

-What?
-From the story and the grid.

For copyright infringement?

- [sighs]

"This video has been blocked
because it contains content

owned by Plumb Management
and Junk Removal Services"?

What?

- Freakin' Larry!

[sighs]

-Oh!
-Jesus!

It was just there!

- ♪ Happy to drive so you can drink ♪

♪ Beam and coke, sh*ts of Rumple Minze ♪

♪ Butterfly tat flying up our back ♪

♪ And we wanna watch you play darts ♪

- ♪ Got big doe eyes that you can swim in ♪

♪ Love watching stand-up, but not by women ♪

♪ Runnin' in pumps, never taking dumps ♪

♪ And my feet are a child size four ♪

♪ We are ♪
all: ♪ Dream girlfriends ♪

♪ 'Cause our dads are dead ♪

♪ They gave us some advice ♪

♪ But we forgot what they said ♪

♪ Dream girlfriends ♪

♪ No pushback ♪

♪ All we have is a cool uncle ♪

♪ Who let us use his boat ♪

♪ Dream girlfriends ♪

♪ We never need to talk ♪

♪ You can tell your friends we're models ♪

♪ 'Cause we were in some catalog ♪

♪ Dream girlfriends ♪

♪ No drama ♪

♪ 'Cause we're party girls who wear cowboy hats ♪

♪ To a bar ♪

♪ Low maintenance, hot ♪

♪ And fitting in your world ♪

♪ You'll never want to ♪

♪ Wake up from ♪

♪ Us ♪

- [running scales] ♪ Us ♪

♪ ♪

-Good night, everybody.
-Good night.

[crunching]

[ascending tone]