01x06 - Cease and Desist

[bunniefuu]

- Have you seen the space heater?

I don't know where it is.
Wickie moved everything.

- No, sorry. Wait.

Did you make

the "Maxim" hotlist?

- Oh, yeah.

Oh my God, we got this swag bag

from the women's empowerment luncheon

at the Victoria's Secret Trampoline Park.

- Oh, a temporary tramp stamp.

"October Sky" now on VHS.

- I was saving this for the right time.

[clicks tongue] Life lesson.

- This is signed by Derek Jeter.

- Yeah, we sang the national
anthem at Yankee Stadium,

and then some of us got a gift basket

the next morning for...

[sighs] f*cking Derek Jeter.

- That is so unfair. You
don't even like baseball.

But no judgments--we both
hooked up with celebrities.

- [laughs]

The girl that was in her
dad's bedbugs commercial?

- It aired in three states.

- ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4ever's too short ♪

♪ Too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4ever's too short ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[chimes ring]

[upbeat music]

- So I made our offish booking page.

So far, we've mostly gotten hit up for foot pics.

-You said you had good news?
-Yes.

Then-- [giggles]

a DJ asked us if we wanted to headline this.

Y2Gay, an early aughts-themed pride party.

We got our first gig!
-Oh!

-Yes!
-We're icons.

We're Kylie Minogue.

We are Robin.

We are Cher.

I can do a five-minute plank, too.

-Oh.
-Wait, isn't Pride in June?

- RuPaul said every month is Pride Month.

- Thanks, Rusty.

- Stop listening to my private conversations.

-Oh.
-Anyway, we get to do

a performance, there's a meet and greet

with VIP guests, and ladies...

there's a glam budget.

- Oh, we can debut "Four Stars."

-Yes!
-This is perfect.

I know you're not gonna believe this,

but I've actually never
been to a Pride party before.

- How? What?

- I was too busy drilling, filling, and building.

- Oh! Oh, God.

Okay.

[chuckling] That was six minutes, easy.

- Eh.

- Gloria, you know I understand the struggle.

-Aw.
-I've worn a mask myself.

- Mm.

- When I starred in "The Maskical," the musical.

♪ I'm smokin'! ♪

[dramatic musical chords]

♪ I'm smokin'! ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Alrighty, then ♪

- Wasn't "alrighty, then" from "Ace Ventura"?

-Yes.
-Yeah.

- It was a pastiche of the Jim Carrey oeuvre.

- Neat.

Well, all I know is I can't wait

to gay out and bask in the love of my people.

- Okay, well, let's all agree

tomorrow is Gloria's day, because you deserve it.

- Yes, baby girl.

- And, obviously, whomever I take home

will get a gift basket because I'm classy.

[upbeat music]

- You can make Max some of those

Dr. Craegner's spinach dinosaurs for lunch.

- I reject those.

- Okay. You make whatever you want.

-I'll do cauliflower steak...
-But just maybe not

the cauliflower steak.
-With tapenade.

I read that you have to offer a child capers



- Hey, do you think it's too cold for these?

If I wear thick Beyoncé tights under 'em?

-Did Jeter buy you those?
-No!

Drew Barrymore and Tom Green
sent them 'cause they wanted--

[chuckles] It was a different time.

[inhales deeply]

But they still fit because
leather stretches like skin,

because it is skin.

What is that face?
-What face?

- [huffs] That face.

You look like Gordon the Train

after Percy and Thomas made fun of him

for his rattling firebox.

God, I hate that weird show.

- There's no face. It's great, you look great.

Have a great show.

Just remember Max and I love you.

[quirky dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- [inhales deeply]

♪ ♪

- Obergefell v. Hodges.

Is that a reference to the Supreme Court

marriage equality case?

-It is.
-Oh.

- But when I bought it,

I did think it was just those
two old, mean Muppets.

-Oh.
-But then, today,

because I'm on my journey to know stuff,

on Peloton, I listened to five
audiobooks about q*eer theory.

- Well, thank you.

- The "Ally's Handbook," "q*eer Schmear,"

the "Mr. Education of Arnie Frang."

Oh, hi!
-Dawn, where are you been?

It's my special day.

- Sorry, guys, um... I don't
think I can do the show.

Just--I'm having a problem.

- Have a little diet pudding
mix to get your sugar up.

- It's a panic att*ck.
[exhales deeply]

I mean, I operate with a
pretty high baseline anxiety,

but this is real fight or flight stuff.

-What set you off?
-Scott.

I was getting ready for the
gig and--and he just looks at me

with this like, like, pitying look.

Then do you know what he said?

- Some boring sh*t about capers?

- Yes, actually.

But then "Remember Max and I love you."

- Oh, that son of a bitch!

- Like, no matter how bad it goes,

or no matter how a huge loser you are...

I feel like I'm walking a tightrope

and he made me look down,
and then when I looked down,

I saw I'm just a middle-aged mom from Queens

with soft thighs and her original teeth!

I'm sorry, I just-- [clears throat]

I just don't think my body's
gonna let me do the show.

- Hey, wait, wait, wait.

You have to do what pop stars do.

Get an alter ego, right?

Nicki Minaj has Roman Zolanski,

Beyoncé--Sasha Fierce.

- Ziggy Stardust.

- I don't think a cartoon needs an alter ego.

- Your knowledge base is so inconsistent.

- Summer's right, though.

When I have a shy bladder in a public bathroom,

I channel a person named Urine X Thunder Force.

-I don't know.
-Say a cool name.

Don't think! Now!

- Fledge Mulholland.

- Fledge.

I need you to look at Fledge.

[energetic pop music] Fledge is fearless.

Her husband doesn't have a face.

And she could give two Fs

that everybody is judging
her for her stupid name.

- Okay, today-- [clears throat]

today, I'm Fledge Mulholland.
-Fledge.

- ♪ Fledge Mulholland ♪

- Say it for the show, guys.

- Here we go. I am ready to cut loose.

- Girls5eva, I'm the DJ, Ned.

- Well, Ned, I am pickled to be here,

and I can't wait to inspire the
crap out of some q*eer women.

- Women? No.

This is a daytime rave in an
abandoned mannequin warehouse.

The sponsors are Vegan
Condoms and Skinny Boy Vodka.

- Guess I sent my dogs
to my sister's for nothing.

Well, you know what?

I am pumped as punch to feel
the love from whoever is here.

- We love you, Wickie! Cease and desist, bitch.

-Wickie, we see you, lady.
-[chuckles]

- I see you too, fellas.

- So I need to tell the sound booth.

What are you singing?

- Oh, we're debuting our new song,

and she's a banger.

- New... song?

No, this is Y2Gay, a pun on a thing

I'm not old enough to know it is.

People are here for nostalgia.

And because our fog machine
is set to have healing properties.

- It's fine.

We'll make it work, because it's important

that we do the show for Gloria.

- Oh, we're doing the show...

[funky energetic music]

'Cause I'm ♪ Fledge ♪

♪ Mulholland ♪

♪ ♪

- Yeah, she is.

- Party like it's 1990-gay!

[indistinct excited chatter]

- Who wants the Jane Hanpussy
of a q*eer pop star, huh?

That's the inverse of John Hancock.

It's clever!

- Cease and desist, bitch!

- Oh!
[chuckling] Luca!

What will your fans say?

-She's a goddess!
-Next.

- Wickie's line is out the door.

I mean, I'm the gay icon.

First same-sex divorce right here.

- [rapidly] Well, gay icons
are typically glamorous divas

who more often than not are not gay themselves.

I listened to the audiobooks on double speed.

- Thanks for the ma'amsplaining
- Oh, I know more stuff too.

Did you know that q*eer female TV characters

are much more likely to be k*lled off

than straight characters?

- I didn't know that. Fun facts.

- Oh, I don't think it's fun. Okay, hi.

- I do what I want. I don't stress.

Worry isn't really my thing. Do
you know what I mean, Brian?

- I thought you'd sign the CD I brought,

and I never told you my name.
-[laughs]

Wonderful! Next!

Scott?

- You look--holy sh*t, Dawn.

- [stammers] Why are you here?

- Well, I missed "The
Tonight Show" and mall pop-up

'cause I was on Max duty, so I got a sitter.

I wanna see you in action. Hey, hat twins.

- Well, but you didn't have to come.

It's not like I come watch you guidance counsel.

- Oh, you couldn't. It's a confidential process.

- Hi, Scott. Hey, Dawn.

Do you think you could come get a drink with me?

I can't open cans with my nails--pfft.

- [softly] Sure.

- Why did you invite Scott?

- I didn't. He surprised me.

Oh, God, looks so concerned.

Is it more than just sucking?

Does he have secret information
that I'm dying or something?

- Look, you have to ignore
him. We have a show to do.

So where's Fledge?

-Driving a Miata somewhere.
-Oh, God.

Your imagination is so lame.

You gotta get together.

[energetic pop music] Fledge is fearless,

Fledge is sexy,

Fledge is gonna take a sh*t

off of the Skinny Boy Vodka luge right now.

Go get it, Fledge!

♪ ♪

- Whoo!

♪ Seize the tonight! ♪

- Go. Okay.

-Cease and desist, bitch!
-Oh!

You are out of order!
-[giggles]

- Wickie, Zander.

Your work in "The Maskical" changed my life.

All tea, no shade. Thank you.

- You're welcome, darling baby snuggles baby.

[both giggling]

[camera shutter clicks]

[laughter]
-Okay, bye.

- Okay, bye.

- You slay my ass. I have no skin.

- Wickie, didn't "The Maskical"
close after like a week?

- Only because the signature green cocktail

dyed everyone's anuses green.

- So how did that guy ever see it?

He would be like ten. And it was in Pasadena.

- I don't know,

but he must have been in the crowd feeling seen.

If this is jealousy, it
isn't a good color on you.

Next!

[hoots and hollers]
-Cease and desist!

- Let's go.
[indistinct excited chatter]

[quirky downbeat music]

- Thanks. Do you have gum?

- I'm not the bathroom attendant.

- Oh, sorry.

- Hey, hey.

Just out of queeriosity,

how did "Maskical" change your life, Zander?

-Really?
-Mm-hmm.

- Oh, you're cute that you don't know.

I'm a lip-sync-fluencer. I
lip-sync to divas going off.

I've done all the classics.

Katherine Heigl losing
it on the script supervisor

on "State of Affairs,"

Wendy Williams dressing down
a CVS self-checkout machine...

-Hmm.
-I rode the Karen wave, obvs,

did both sides of the David
O. Russell-Lily Tomlin fights,

whoever they are,

but then last month, I was panning deep

in a community theater subreddit and struck gold.

- ♪ Funky, weird ♪

♪ Mask-y mask ♪

No, no!

Stop "The Maskical"! [audience murmuring]

I see you! I see you, lady.

Cease and desist!

When you snap a photo of my performance,

you disrespect me, you disrespect the work,

you disrespect Sir James Eugene Carrey.

[audience gasping] Cease and desist, bitch!

- My lip-sync blew up gay Twitter.

I got a verified check

and now I'm a spokesman for CBD pacifiers.

Blessed!

[quirky upbeat music]

- Come on!

[thumping techno music]

♪ ♪

- I'll get the sh*t Stirrer.

- Okay, it's vodka, bubbles, and opinions.

- Who are you?

- I'm Tipper Gore.

And I'm on-theme.

- Cool.

- Why are you out here with the normies?

You got a VIP bracelet on.

- Oh, I'm giving my wife space,

letting her get into pop star mode.

-Mm-hmm.
-What?

-Nothing.
-Come on.

- Well, you're handsome and all.

Big eyes like a Margaret King painting.

But you don't seem like the kind of guy

that'd be married to a pop star.

I can see the outline

of your Kindle through your cargo shorts.

- For the commute.

I'm finally reading "Team of Rivals."

- It's just like tends to find like.

JLo and A-Rod, Beyoncé and Jay-Z.

Lisa Bonet is with Jason Momoa.

Not, like, a teacher.

- I'm a guidance counselor.

- Ooh, did I just stir sh*t

'cause I'm paid in bar cherries and bored?

[quirky downbeat music]

- Would you like to know the real reason

that you are top doggy around here?

♪ ♪

- And you!

Chomping on Raisinets like it's your identity?

Your wet mouth disrespects
the work of our director,

the recently deceased Richie Tompkins.

And you...

your leather pants noises disrespect the theatre.

Take 'em off.

Or I will cut them off

with the multi-tool from "The Truman Show"!

Cease and desist, b*tches! [cheers and applause]

Cease and desist, b*tches!

- So that's why that phrase sounds so iconic.

I invented it.

- You're not mad about it?

- That rant was a tour de force.

That's French for force tour.

- They're making fun of you.

- Nope. This is classic diva worship.

Figures such as Bette Davis and Judy Garland

are often admired for
their ability to exhibit power

from a place of vulnerability.

It's very nuanced.

- Well, I'm vulnerable and powerful.

I have a wool allergy.

And I have punched out so many car windows

to free dogs on hot days.

- Sorry, but it's not my fault

that everyone admires and looks up to me.

I didn't ask to be a treasured hero.

-Wickie?
-Yes!

-Sign my shirt.
-Coming.

[chuckles and sighs]

Darles?
-Hmm?

- Why does my catchphrase have a little TM on it?

Where'd you get this?
-Zander's got a stand.

- Please remember to tip

your bartenders and mannequins!

- Excuse me, fellas.

- Famous.

French.

Pharmacy.

- Hey, I just wanted to say break a leg.

-Five minutes, Girls5eva.
-I love you.

- Thank you.

- Oh, and the stage looks slippery

like those stairs at Essentials
you slipped down that time.

You might wanna wear sneakers or a square toe--

- Okay. I can't do this with you here.

[energetic pop music]

- ♪ Fledge Mulholland ♪

[light funky music]

♪ ♪

- Wickie!

Do you want a t*nk or a trucker hat,

or a tri-blend tee or a cozy?

- You need to cease and desist

with "cease and desist, bitch," bitch.

- Wait, I don't...

All this is supes aboveboard, actually.

See, after I lip-sunc to you,

I was like, "Zander be a business boy,"

you know, because my parents are lawyers.

Well, you don't know that.
But my parents are lawyers.

Anyway, I looked the phrase up.

It was fully avail, so I trademarked it.

- But these are my words.

- That I made it into art.

Wait, are you not proud of me?

-This is theft!
-Wickie, I worship you.

But what I did took a ton of work.

You're the subject.

The girl with a pearl earring doesn't get paid.

Vermeer gets paid.

- Vermeer d*ed penniless.

I know this because I watched "Jeopardy!".

How much money did you make, Zander?

- [scoffs] You're a queen.

You don't need any of my dumb money.

-How much?
-Um... between merch

and a sponsored post for weight anxiety sneakers

and the remix, and please
remember NYU was expensive--

- A number, Zander.

- $80,000. And also I spent it.

-On NYU?
-No, girl.

I told you my parents are lawyers.

On bags and tattoos.

This one says gratitude, and I mean it.

-You human B-side!
-Please go off.

I can make enough to buy a Dairy Queen

that I operate as a joke.

- Come on, say something
you mutton-sleeved empress.

-No, you're not.
-What are you doing?

- Oh, it was a photo.

- Don't yell at him.

He's just gonna lip-sync it

and sell catchphrase dog raincoats.

- First Larry makes money off of me,

then I had a Henrietta Lacks
situation but with HPV cells,

now Zander is cashing in.

Why am I never the one profiting off of me?

- It's f*cked up.

- I just feel totally ignored.

- That's how I felt all
day, ignored and left out.

[dramatic music]

♪ ♪

- I finally get empathy.

It's when you feel sad for others

because the same thing's happening to you.

- Oh. Thank you.

I mean, usually, you can make the leap

without the one to one but...

- Negative four minutes, Girls5eva.

- [sighs] Let's just bail.

My feet are k*lling me in these show socks.

And they don't even wanna hear our new stuff.

I don't wanna sing "Daddy's Hot Friend" again.

- Then don't, but we're not bailing.

- Fudge is made of diamonds.

They can even be the blood kind.

She doesn't care.
-Good girl.

- Ladies, we're doing "Four Stars."

- I gave the sound booth ten free whitenings.

[applause]
-Oh, my gosh!

- We are Girls5eva!

- Oh, damn, Fledge!

- That was amazing.

[upbeat pop song playing]

- ♪ We're gonna start fresh,
take a couple of new steps ♪

♪ And wear our comfortable shoes ♪

- Love you, Wickie!

- ♪ Look at our history ♪

♪ There is no mystery ♪

♪ The problem here was you ♪

♪ So what if we risk it all and try ♪

♪ Knowing we might fall, but we might fly ♪

♪ Who cares what they say? ♪

♪ We're gonna do it our way ♪

♪ Like Sinatra or Burger King ♪

♪ Five stars is a lie ♪

- Wait, what is this song?

- ♪ Nobody's perfect so then why try ♪

- Come on, diva! Play your old stuff.

Melt down. Come on, diva!

Please, I beseech you, not even ask.

Yes, come on!

Be perturbed, my sovereign! Yes, Wickie live!

- ♪ Coming up, coming up, coming up, coming up ♪

♪ Four stars ♪

-It's my life, Mama!
-How dare you, mon frère?

- No. Don't take the bait.

-Bait taken!
-Sit and zip it!

Zip!

- Patti LuPone and [indistinct]!

- Don't try to freak out my friends

so you can sell some T-shirts.

'Cause she's not gonna freak out.

[audience murmuring]

She's not gonna be like,
"Shut it down, clown town!"

Order in the sport court.

Time of death? Uh, now.

Simon says you gotta go to the bus station

and get far away from here...

- Overlong, but--
- Bitchard Nixon, okay?

You don't get to decide

whether we're gonna sing new stuff or old stuff

because, unlike you, Zander, we have stuff.

Wickie, she spent her whole life

making stuff singing, dancing,

spokesmodeling for discount whipped creams...

- Available everywhere discounted pies are sold.

-Whoo!
-Yeah, girl.

- What in the hell have you ever done

besides fail to grow a
mustache over that sinkhole?

- Ooh!

- I just dye my stubble platinum.

- You're a puppet, Zander.

And Wickie-- Wickie is a sexy Geppetto!

She is a sexy Gep-pet-to.

All: Diva, diva, diva!

- That's right. I'm a flap jacket gay diva.

And you're all gonna sit
there quietly and watch us

sing this song five more damn times

because we've worked so hard on it.

And I don't have to go relieve
my dad's nurse until 6:00.

Back to one! [cheers and applause]

[laughter]

- [screams]

-That was...
-Cathartic.

- An inspired collab.

- Oh, I needed that release so bad today.

- I was shook. This is real pee.

-[gasps]
-Oh.

- Wait, I'm sorry, I missed something.

What happened?

- We struck a content deal before the show.

First, Zander would provoke me...

- And then I'd scream at
him. And I get my icon wings.

And then he's gonna lip-sync about it.

-My friend filmed everything.
-We keep 80%

of streaming generated profits
and merch from the phrases

"sexy Geppetto and Bitchard Nixon."

-Thank you for those.
-Plesh.

And Zander's army of fans...
-Zander Fanders.

- Are gonna hear 30 seconds of "Four Stars"

before the rant starts.

That's how you promote a new song.

- Oh, my God, it's genius!

Whoo!

You guys, this is allyship,
the practice in which a person

in a position of power operates in solidarity--

- Yeah, we're good. We're all learned up.

We got it.

[light music]

- Add me to the list of Ojani Noa,

Sasha Czack, Trevor Engelson.

-Who are those people?
-JLo's first husband,

Sylvester Stallone's first wife,

Meghan Markle's first husband,

all dumped once their spouses got famous.

- What are you even talking about?

Are you still jealous of Jeter?

We didn't even finish

'cause Jordana Brewster called in the middle.

- It's gonna be so sad one
day when I bike up to, like,

Bon Jovi's mansion and go,

"I'm here to pick up my son
to take him to a free zoo."

- Scott, I'm not leaving you.

- You kicked me out of your show.

- Because you destroyed my
confidence with your pity face.

I was so wrecked I had to
make up a badass alter ego

to get through the show.

Her name is Fledge Mulholland

and she got electrocuted in the crotch

so she sits in chairs like this.

- What? That wasn't pity.

That was me freaking out because

you're Jason Momoa, and I'm normal.

- No.

I'm just me.

But I do need your support, Scott,

because I'm doing something that's insane.

And whether you mean to or not,

your face brings me back to earth

and reminds me that it's insane,

because you are grounded and normal

and that's why I love you.

But it's f*cking with me onstage.

[sighs]

I need to delude myself like an idiot

if I'm gonna make this group into anything.

[bright music]

Will you be an idiot with me?

- I'll try. Is this a better face?

♪ ♪

- Okay.

Okay, you can come to the next show.

- Yes!

- ♪ Four stars ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪

How dare you, mon frère!

- As you can see, it's very popular.

Now, I'm a forward-thinking businesswoman,

so I'd like to trademark all future mouth gems.

Please take dictation. We
may be here for a while.

Nothing stickies to Wickie.

Horsies clomp, I stomp.

Nuh-uh, Google. Dr. Quinn, Medicine Weirdo.

Is that anything? Put that down to be safe.

I say sex on the city.

And that's a wrap on hot dogs!

She's not gonna be all,
"Shut it down, clown town."

Order in the sport court.

Time of death? Uh, now.

Say yes to that mess, Glengarry Glen Sauce.

Huston, we have a middle finger--kabloom!

Club sandwich.

Simon says we gotta go to the bus station

and get far away from here, Bitchard Nixon!

What?

- ♪ Seize the tonight ♪

[upbeat electronic music]

♪ 'Cause I'm Fledge Mulholland ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Fledge Mulholland ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Seize the tonight ♪

♪ ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm Fledge Mulholland ♪

- Cease and desist, bitch!

Your nose breathing is more

offensive to the theater

than what John Wilkes Booth did!

Cease and desist, bitch!

- ♪ I'm Fledge Mulholland ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Fledge Mulholland ♪

-Good night, everybody.
-Good night.

- [munching]