02x04 - Can't Wait 2 Wait

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat TV theme playing]

-Summer of Girls5eva.
-Yeah.

Let's talk about your music career.

-Are you a virgin?
-Yes.

I made a promise to myself,
and my parents, and my God.

That's why I wear this purity ring.

I want my wedding night to be special
because we're gonna be in a Hyatt.

Next up, we ask the guys
of Matchbox Twenty

about singing and playing instruments.

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

-♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
-♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[Wickie groans]

Your shower makes me smell like tap water.

-What, you got a big date?
-I cannot disclose the size

of the man I'm meeting.

-I signed an NDA with the NBA on TNT.
-No.

That's how most great love stories start.

Dawn, remember when I made a promise
that I would always tell you

when your clothes disappointed me?

-No.
-You weren't there, but I promised.

-What are those?
-Oh, my sheers.

What, you don't have TV pants

where you've put in so many ass hours,
they're clear?

Scott, start it.

Enjoy your crushing mundanity.

Just sitting there, reeking of tap water.

[narrator on TV]
Previously on Business Throne:

[man] You look like a f*cking dildo
that melted in a dishwasher.

Happy birthday, son.

They're so terrible in beautiful places!

The only thing left
is Brown Mountain Bold Squeeze?

-Come on.
-Morning, ladies.

-Hello.
-How do you all feel

about a box to kick your trainers against?

-Okay.
-I like an assignment.

If there's no box, I'm just kicking air,
and what's that?

-What are you saying?
-Tate's e-mail.

The label is hoping
the album can have a love song.

I'm not gonna write a love song
because they asked.

Something raw and achingly true
that can be in a Super Bowl ad

where a lady likes a travel website.

They came to the right place

because I can't do anything
without bringing sex to the table.

I'm bringing the heat, too.
Caroline and I are back in biz.

-I did stuff last night too.
-Really?

What? Wait, with who? What base?

-Why am I being so aggressive?
-Okay, his name is Liam.

And we met on Christian Kringle.

It's a dating site
for Christians who love Santa.

I can't say that it was the best date...

I had...

fun.

Me too.

Oh.

[moaning]

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry. It's just...

It's been a really long time.

But then we went inside and had...

[whispers] sex.

Yeah, it wasn't magical,
I didn't see fireworks.

Still, I'm proud of you for trying.

Summer, if I could give you advice
from my own life...

I cannot. I signed an NDA
with the NBA on TNT,

but know
that it would have been magnificent.

Oh, Wickie. Thank you!

You're welcome.

[novelty car horn playing]

What?

-Mommy and Daddy?!
-Surprise!

-Surprise!
-We surprised her!

A mama knows a baby's surprise face!

So surprised! What are you doing here?

We rerouted our ministry tour
to come by and check in on our baby.

Plus, there's an Annie Sez in Passaic

that's got a sale
on inspirational denim, so...

How's my little girl holding up
after the big split?

-I'm good, thanks.
-Good. Well, you know what?

We didn't wanna show up empty-handed,
and now that the house has more room...

We thought we'd bring you
your old Little Baby Ladies Collection!

And don't worry,
they're still in mint condish.

We didn't want the value to go down.

It's so nice that you guys are here.

Kev took Stevia to Las Vegas
to tour hype houses.

-So, yeah. I'm all alone.
-Oh, well...

Let me help you with your luggage, Daddy.

No, I got it. This one's heavy
because it's all thumb rings.

Oh!

-Yeah. Okay.
-You are blessed.

And then, I just put everything
in a big bowl and I mix it up,

and it doesn't matter which way you stir.

Well, look at you.

You're cooking salads, making music,
offering to carry bags?

-You are thriving and arriving.
-Thank you.

Now, honey, your mom and I know

this has been a tough season for you.

We all thought Kev was it.

But sometimes, the Big Man shanks it.

I know, I really thought Kev was the one.

Well, your mom and I are here to get you
to finding "the two."

We just want you to be as happy as we are.

-Yep, happy as clams.
-Oh! An animal God got right.

No notes!

Well, what you guys have
is what I want, obvs.

Good, because in the early '90s,

I took a vow to protect your purity
until marriage.

And now you are once again unmarried,

so it looks like Daddy is back on the job.

-You are too much.
-So, Summer,

until you find the two,

would you be willing
to keep it chaste below the waist?

Wow, y'all.

Wow.

♪ Tonight is the night ♪

♪ That only happens tonight ♪

♪ Tomorrow is just yesterday's tonight ♪

If you don't need anything, I'll head out.

I found this single slab coaster
I think I can save if I plant it tonight.

There's been like ten billion love songs.

The Beatles just got
to be like "Love Me Do."

It's easy when you go first

and then just ski around
for a whole movie.

Dawn, you need a brain break.

Hey. What do you do
when you wanna just turn off the noise?

I don't know.

Drink red wine out of a mug?

Okay. Let's do that, then.

Uh...

Oh, there is Brown Mountain Merlot.

Is it gonna be hot?

We could do a small little vow thang
right here on Sunday.

It's vital that we protect your purity
during this vulnerable time.

I mean, you're a divorcée,

and, well, that sounds French.

-It does.
-And you're now an Internet villain,

so the temptation to do bad
is hard to resist.

And if you think your mother and I
didn't notice those low lights,

-think again, missy.
-No. Don't get me wrong.

The ring is very beautiful,

and I need something
to balance my hand out, it's just...

Excuse me. Do you have parents
on your feet? 'Cause we're up here.

-What did you do, baby-lady?
-I did...

-It.
-Oh, my Lord!

Oh, my Lord!

Show me his face. No, I can't.

I can't do it. I can't do it.
No, I wanna see it.

Okay. Let me see it. I'll squint.

His name is Liam.

-Liam, huh?
-[Kris] Summer.

More like "Lie-am."

He's got an empty earring hole.
That means secrets.

He is not the two,
and you'd have known that

if you'd have made him wait


[door opens]

I'm exhausted from
undisclosed glamorous location.

How was your date with obviously Shaq?

I cannot confirm nor deny the thing
I want you to know but cannot say.

But what I can say: we had a meet-cute
at the Atlanta airport

and I saw him, and I said,
"Are you Name Redacted?"

He said, "Of course I'm Name Redacted,

who else do you know
that's seven-foot-redacted?"

-Where were you?
-Working. You're welcome.

-Did you and Ray cr*ck the song?
-Yeah.

-Progress.
-Well, let's hear it.

[singing indistinctly]

Those aren't words.

Did you hook up with Ray?

[scoffs] No!

We just had a brain break.

And did what?

You're gonna think this is really lame,

-but we watched the new Business Throne.
-[gasps]

-Gasp.
-What? No gasp. Why gasp?

Because in your basic life,

-that is cheating.
-It's a TV show.

I want you to imagine yourself
saying out loud,

"Scott, I watched
Business Throne with another man."

-See? Gasp.
-[Scott] Oh, hey.

I fell asleep in Max's room.

-You ready for ep 9?
-Yep, I'm up.

The penultimate.

-Is Shaq funny in real life?
-Is who funny in what?

I wonder how many helicopters
we're gonna see.

[man 1 on TV] If I could go back in time,

I would've blasted
on your mother's stomach. f*ck off, son!

They're so mean. I'm so happy.

[man 2] Oh, okay.

It's not gonna happen again.
Stop making me feel guilty.

I have enough general Italian guilt
and Catholic shame

for being born naked.

It's a dangerous game,

like when Name-Withheld and I
played Twister. I nearly suffocated.

There's a new glint on the wall.
Who got a new ring?

Oh. I did.

Did you get engaged
to that guy you didn't like?

No.

It's from my parents.

-I don't know if I'll keep it.
-Why? It's so nice.

I know. It's, um...

It's a purity ring.

-You know, until I marry the two.
-[Gloria] What?

-You're 39, you're not 13.
-[Summer] Hey.

You said next weird thing I did,
you were gonna shut up.

There isn't even the...

You can't pos...

It was...

You are lucky.
I just swallowed a diatribe.

I didn't say I'm doing it.
I said I'm thinking about it.

I do wanna get remarried,
and waiting is kind of my brand.

[both] ♪ I can't wait to wait! ♪

♪ Don't make me wait any longer ♪

[both] ♪ To wait ♪

♪ Makes us stronger ♪

♪ You don't have to carry shrimp
To be a super cool waiter! ♪

[both] ♪ So let's make a date to ♪

-Sure, but--
-It's not done.

♪ Wait! ♪

[Dawn] This is backwards.

You cannot let your parents
run your sex life.

I'm supposed to take moral advice

from a woman mentally raw-dogging
our producer through an HBO show?

I am not!

-How do you even know that?
-Wickie and I are on a Slack.

The only reason why I'm considering this

is because I love my parents so much,

and, you know, they did purity rings,
and they're so happy.

They have the perfect marriage.

-Hey, y'all. How are you? Hello.
-There they are.

Chris and Kris!

-Hello!
-Hey, Mr. and Mrs. Dutkowsky.

We went to the park.
We got our portraits made.

-But he could only draw Al Pacino.
-Look at that.

[both laughing]

-[Chris] Boo-yah!
-From the movie.

Yeah. You ready, Sum?

I'm just gonna take them to brunch.
I'll be back.

Hang on. I'll get my coat.

Guys. Guys, she's on the fence.

We need to take control.

Or let it fly because I don't care.

We gotta be the whores to shut this down.

Hey, you guys.

Oh, you know, I could hook us up
at my brother's restaurant.

-It's very authent-ish Italian.
-Ethnic.

I'll gamble.

I'm easy. I'll go anywhere there's clams.

Well, my, lamb!

Everyone in here looks like Al Pacino.

-Mama.
-True.

Kris. Can I talk to you
woman to woman for a second?

Copy.

Now, I don't have a Kotex on me, but...

this is horsehair.

-No.
-No, you cradle it the same.

-Here, take it.
-No. Somebody else go.

Hey, Kris.

You seem like a modern woman,
wearing a brooch.

Don't you think this purity stuff
is outdated?

We did it, and we just had
our 40th wedding anniversary last October.

Look.

Summer was a honeymoon baby.

-Bull's-eye, right out of the gate.
-I was a hole-in-one. [laughs]

-Thank you.
-Oh, well...

-Look at that.
-Here we go.

Steak for an angel.

-Let's do this.
-All right.

Oh, Lord, this beef ain't budging.
Let's go.

-You grab, I'll s*ab.
-You got it.

[Summer] They never stop holding hands.

Uh-uh.

I have to say,
whatever they're doing is working.

-Maybe you should do this purity thing.
-Thank you.

What? I call it like I see it.
And I have to remind you, I don't care.

["Do You Believe in Love"
playing over speakers]

That's us! Let's go!

Pardon us, ladies.

When this song comes on,
I gotta dance with my bride.

Yeah. "Do You Believe in Love"
was their wedding song.

[both] We do believe!

I know. They do.

Wait, hold up. Hold up.

That song came out January 1982.

I know that because my dad credits it with
giving him the courage to leave my mom.

So how is this their wedding song in 1981?

-Tell me that, huh?
-Hand me Lady Kris's phone.

Her bouquet is enormous,
she's got moon face,

and no one's hair is that shiny
without a baby tweaking it

-from the inside.
-Oh, my God.

Summer, you were at your parents' wedding.

So they didn't...

wait?

Mom, Dad, the math doesn't add up.

Just admit it.

-You want the truth?
-Yes!

Yes, your father and I had relations
out of wedlock.

When?

It's kind of hard to talk about when,
because it was always.

-Always.
-What?

But you said that you knew
that she was the one

just from holding her hand.

Oh, my God. Did you guys even meet
on a mission trip to San Ignacio, Bolivia?

No. Your mother first caught my eye
at a corporate retreat in Oahu,

where she served me
my first white rum mojito.

Honestly, it was a miracle
you ended up being your father's.

Remember when we went
to get that DNA test?

-We were both like, "Oh, Lord!"
-Yes. Oh, that was lucky!

-Because this one... Mm.
-Yeah.

If you had a full head of hair
and a coke spoon, yes, sir.

Okay, so...

why did you make me wait?

Because your father and I
walked the devil's path.

And it was a dark one.

We had no moral compass,
no regard for tomorrow,

just dopamine, thrills.

Waking up in a truck bed
beside a Civic Center

kind of all wet with, like,
coins all stuck to me...

-Oh.
-[Chris] And this ring

is our way of protecting you

from making the same mistakes we did.

It's bad out there, babe.

And part of me sincerely worries
that we might have "whore genetics."

I'm sure that was very hard,
but they'll come around.

I've decided to do the ceremony.

They're just protecting me.

And as my friends,

I would love it
if you were there to support me.

Oh, my God.

[pop track playing over speakers]

[singing indistinctly]

-Dawn, do you wanna watch Business Throne?
-[music stops]

It was nice watching with someone.

Usually, I just mutter,
"What a piece of sh*t" to no one.

Oh, yeah.

I should keep going on this.

And I usually watch it with my husband.

Oh, right! Yeah, no problem.

I did just get the finale, though.

It doesn't come out for a week!

My mate Stango's an editor.

It's cool, though. Let's work.

Mm-hm.

Don't you just wanna know

if the son who always goes rogue,
goes rogue?

Eff it! Just put it in!

-Get in there!
-Slow down, you're bending it!

Honey, you up?

No.

Do you maybe wanna...

talk about what might happen
on the finale?

Who do you think is gonna run FamCo?

Do you think the son
who always goes rogue, goes rogue?

He goes rogue in the Maldives.

Huh? How do you know that?

Seriously, how do you know that?

Oh, it's no big deal.

Ray had a copy of the finale.
His buddy is an editor.

You watched Business Throne with Ray?

Wow, y'all. Wow.

It didn't mean anything.

I couldn't finish.
Half the effects weren't rendered.

-How long has this been going on?
-Since the penultimate.

That's why you fell asleep during it.
You're pretty devious.

Maybe you should be the CEO of FamCo.

Scott, come on. I'm sorry!

Oh!

Thank you for coming.

We have all the clear sodas.

Well, we're always
gonna support you, Summer.

Obviously we don't agree with this,

but we're not gonna force you
to do anything

to make us feel comfortable.
We're not your parents.

-[chuckles] Did that work?
-No.

Okay, how about this?
Kevin Costner doing ranch stuff.

[Wickie]
No. What about Pitbull doing Miami stuff?

Stop!

Trust me, this is just easier for me.

I feel really good. I--

-Come in! Come on!
-Okay.

Scott is overreacting.
He asked the lady at the deli

if she wanted to come over
and start The Wire.

I think you wanted to get caught.

Why would I want that?

-You tell me.
-Tell you what?

-What's going on at home?
-Nothing.

You said it.

Oh, don't you drop a sugar cube
all superior.

How are you an expert? All you ever do
is go for empty celebrity status grabs.

At least I'm in something real.

Why won't you date a normal person?

What's so wrong with that?

Everything.

How would you know?

Ryan Salge.

-Who?
-After Yesternights tanked,

I was in a bad place and seeking comfort,
so I got back together

with my high school boyfriend, Ryan Salge.

Things got normal fast.

We watched sports, we had a brown cat,

we got excited about a Star Wars.

Pretty soon, I forgot about my dreams,

because we were putting up shelves
or whatever,

and then, one night at the Olive Garden
with the good parking,

Ryan proposed by hiding a ring
in some Italian nachos.

As I was sucking off the meat and sauce,
I heard it.

[Girls5eva] ♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether ♪

♪ 'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

[Wickie] ♪ People starin' at us
Thinkin' we are badass ♪

♪ Watchin' as we wave goodbye
Our stomachs are the flattest ♪

Sir...

you pissed out my light.

♪ Drinking Veuve Cliquot champagne
And texting all our exes... ♪

Normal almost destroyed me, Dawn.

Never again.

[phone chimes]

-It's starting.
-[gasps] Yes!

Censored and I are gonna go public
with our relationship.

Hey, that's progress.

In Q1 of 2023,

after he wraps a reality show
about finding his soulmate.

It's called Love Shaq,

a pun on nothing
and spelled the normal way.

He just has to pretend to date the winner
for three months.

Okay. Not progress.

[slow guitar music playing]

♪ Under Daddy's wing ♪

♪ There's a Daddy ring ♪

♪ He'll guard your heart ♪

♪ Till you find your King ♪

[Chris] ♪ But till then... ♪

-♪ But till then... ♪
-♪ I'll be your Daddy boyfriend ♪

♪ He'll be your Daddy boyfriend ♪

What? Well, ran out of aisle.

-Short aisle, folks.
-[Kris laughing] Yeah.

Okay. Well, now,

I have to give away Summer to...

me.

-[Summer chuckles]
-Doo-doo-doo-doo.

-Oh, Lord.
-[laughs] You clown!

[sighs] When I first heard
that Summer was gonna be single again,

I prayed, and the Big Man said,

"You made a promise, Chris.

Now get down to Jared
and pick out ring numero two."

Now, for a little housekeeping.

-Um, I'm getting older now.
-No.

If the Lord should decide to calleth me

to kick it before Summer finds "the two,"

well, then, the guardian of her chastity

would fall to the next male heir
in the Dutkowsky family.

-That is her second cousin, Connor.
-Who?

[scattered applause]

-I've never heard of Connor.
-I don't like it. He's too excited.

I trust Connor
because he k*lled a garter snake.

-[laughs]
-Time flies. It seems like just yesterday

we were celebrating
Summer's first ceremony.

-Remember that?
-Yep.

-Of course.
-Do you remember that we gave you this...

-Little Baby Lady?
-[Kris laughing]

-Jennifer Lynn?
-Yeah.

Now, you two were inseparable.
They were best buds.

-Okay.
-Look at her. All safe and happy.

Her stock continuing to rise.

Summer.
Don't get your face oils on the box.

Just look at it.

The same as your stock will rise
in the Lord's eyes

-after you take this vow.
-Oh.

Summer, do you promise God,
your future mate,

your daddy, and potentially, Connor too...

Not be put in a box!

-What's this?
-Not be put in a box.

I can't be like Jennifer Lynn.

Oh, I mean--

-I hated her!
-Oh!

She couldn't ever do anything!

♪ Under Daddy's wings ♪

-Mom!
-♪ There's a-- ♪

Mom! Dad!

I know that you all
are just trying to protect me

from making mistakes, and...

I kinda do want that,
because it is hard out there,

but I was one of your mistakes.

-I turned out pretty good.
-Okay.

Daddy, second cousin Connor...

-you're fired.
-[guests gasping]

Because I already have someone
who wants to look out for me.

And her name...

is me!

-"Me"?
-Oh, hallelujah!

-Whore.
-You pipe down, Connor!

-[Kris] How do we shake that one, babe?
-[Chris] I don't know, babe.

I think I know why I did it.

I feel boxed in.

So I skeezed and cheat-watched
Business Throne.

But we're just in this grind.

It's wake up, work, Max,

TV, sleep, repeat.

Yeah. I also did something weird.

Did you f*ck Cara?

No! I bought a gravel bike.

With Max's 529.

It costs four grand and I can't return it.

It's built to your heel-to-crotch ratio.

What?

Wait, when did you get a mustache?

-I've been growing it for a month.
-Oh, my God.

I don't think couples our age
look at each other.

You're always looking at your kid,
or Business Throne, or...

-End of list.
-Mm.

Well, let's look at each other.

-Okay.
-[chuckles]

Hmm.

[door opens, then closes]

It is 10:30 in the morning.

Wow. Between you two and the Chrisses,

maybe there is something
to dating a normie.

That's progress.

[Wickie] But I won't get Salged again.

I will only date the following types
of normies: hotelier,

chef, FamCo CEO,

bald guy if he is
a European soccer coach...

-Would you get out of here?
-Fair.

God.

[Wickie] And for your files...

It was Shaq.

-Out!
-Leave!

I know.

You are walking the devil's path, honey.

-I'm sorry, Daddy.
-All I can say is,

if you're ever at a thang
and folks are passing around

an oversized lubricated pepper grinder,

put a condom on it,

because sometimes
there's pepper on the tip.

I think I have way more self-control
than you guys,

-but thanks.
-Okay.

All right, then.

-Love you guys!
-We love you too.

Here we go. Step up. Careful. Switch.

Two hands on the wheel, Daddy.

-[Chris] During turns, yes.
-Okay.

[Chris] On straight highways,
we hold hands.

[Kris] Okay, let's get to Annie Sez...

Bye, Mama.

I love you.

I love you.

[novelty car horn playing]

♪ I can't wait ♪

♪ To wait ♪

♪ Premarital urges aren't itches
To be scratched ♪

♪ So look up medical oddities ♪

♪ Till those feelings pass ♪

♪ Jesus waited ♪

♪ Santa waited ♪

♪ George Washington waited ♪

♪ Kermit waited ♪

♪ Snoopy waited ♪

♪ Dingus Duck didn't wait ♪

♪ Which is why you've never heard of him ♪

♪ He d*ed of STDs ♪

♪ From doing sex on a whim ♪

♪ Your parts are little sneaks
Who don't want you to wait ♪

♪ Because they know
In Heaven they get checked at the gate ♪

♪ Saint Peter
Don't let no sleaze get by ♪

♪ That's how angels
Are light enough to fly ♪

♪ Now, doing it may
Seem natural and legit ♪

♪ But there's a reason ♪

♪ Stephen King
Named his k*ller clown "It" ♪

♪ It steals your youth and drags you
Into the sewer ♪

♪ But waiting guarantees you
The perfect future ♪

♪ I can't wait ♪