02x05 - Leave a Message If You Love Me

[bunniefuu]

-Open it!
-[young Gloria] Happy birthday, Ashley.

-What's this one?
-That's the first bronzer

-that doubles as a butter substitute.
-[young Gloria] I think it's German.

-Okay. Open ours.
-Oh, my God!

You guys. Oh, my God.

-It's the Nokia 8-79 Switch Splazz.
-We pooled our per diems.

You can text people any number
and all the letters A thru J.

-Too cool. Oh, let's do my message.
-Yeah.

You've reached Ashley's Splazz.

♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

Oh, I love you guys.

-We love you. We love you.
-Best day ever.

Okay. Now, let's go blow the doors
off the Dad's Choice Awards.

[all cheering]

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

-♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪
-♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether
'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva ♪

♪ 'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So what are you waiting 5? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

-Top of the Wednesday.
-Guys, I think I cracked our love song.

I've been grinding it in my head for days,
and then it just sh*t into my brain.

-It's about eye contact.
-Oh, V sexual.

Yeah, the eyes are the windows to the 09s.

-To the what?
-The 09s. The genitals?

Genitals. Gennies?

No? You know the song "Jenny"? "867-5309"?

The 09s.

Come on, get with my slang.
I sent you a PDF.

-[guard] There you go.
-[metal detector whirs]

-What's up with the security?
-Paul, what's going on?

I can't say who's here, but
whenever an A-lister with a stalker or two

is in the building,
we throw up extra security measures.

I also have a stalker.
He lives in Canada and st*lks remotely.

We met at camp.

[Summer] Oh, my gosh, you guys.

T.K. is recording here?

-My God!
-T-who?

She's one of those stars
who never shows their face,

like Daft Punk, Orville Peck,
Deadmau5, the list goes on and on,

but I'm done listing.

[Summer] She's like a sexy beekeeper.

Hey.

[metal detector whirs]

My IUD is white gold.

It's Kate Hudson
for Pandora for Pfizer BioNTech.

Oh, okay.

"Your Eyes," here we go.

[all] ♪ Your eyes tell me a story ♪

♪ Of where our road will wind ♪

♪ Our eyes tell me a story ♪

♪ Half yours, half mine ♪

-♪ Half mine ♪
-♪ Half yours ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

Label's gonna love that.
Really fires up the 09s.

Somebody read the PDF. Thanks.

[Ray] Gonna send this demo off to Tate.

[Summer] Dawn, is that a mayo packet?

-Ew. No. No, no, no.
-What? I ran out of lip stuff.

What is your self-care routine?

She's still chewing
when she enters a bathroom.

[Dawn] I am busy.

[Summer] You need a break.

I am making you an appointment
for a massage at my MedSpa.

I've been to the Spa part, never the Med.

-Right.
-Because I've never done anything

-to my face or my body, it's just natural.
-I don't think I should go.

This studio time is precious.

Even I think you need to take a moment,
and I invented Album Mode.

I work out knots by leaning
against the hot pipe in my apartment.

Go.

Gloria and I will keep the train moving.

Uh, hey, real quick before you go,

I think the beekeeper suit lady is Ashley.

-Oh, God.
-Gloria, please.

We all agree Ashley faked her own death.

Hot take, I'm starting to think
that Ashley faked her own death.

The fall from the infinity pool
was not high enough.

I threw a dummy from that same height
and only the feet detached.

What if it's like:

♪ Why was it a closed casket? ♪

♪ Because it was empty, that's why ♪

She had a magician boyfriend,
and all deaths in Vegas are suspicious.

Top of the Wednesday.

Listen, I love a good theory,
I think Sienna Miller is secret twins,

but Ashley is gone.

But see, Google can't verify
T.K.'s age or her hand texture.

And they both throw up peace signs,
and their voices are identical.

Listen.

[g*nshots, sirens blaring on computer]

Freaking autoplay.

Sorry, these old action movies
are the only thing that keeps my dad

from revealing himself to his nurse.

Okay, listen to Ashley
in the remix of "Famous 5Eva."

♪ Checking out the hotties
With their sexy bodies ♪

♪ Still drinking Veuve Clicquot champagne
We all got Maseratis ♪

Now listen to T.K.

♪ What's the weather
In your mouth, babe? ♪

♪ What's the weather in your mouth? ♪

Oh, honey, that is so auto-tuned.

It could be anyone.

We all miss Ashley, but I think you've
been listening to too many crime podcasts.

I think T.K. is Meghan Markle.

Or a disgraced oil heiress. Or a redhead.

Or some daughter of a DJ named Beth
who needed a gimmick.

Okay.

Oh, that was so nice.

I got a cold stone massage
where they incorporate ice cream.

I love that one.
Yeah, this spa is so great.

Can't speak hide nor hair
about the Med part, never been.

Have you heard about these thread lifts
everybody's getting, though?

They say, like,
they put string underneath your skin

and then they sort of like
tie it up at your forehead?

That's crazy, right?

Or normal?

-Crazy. No, don't be one of those women.
-Yes. Sorry.

You don't wanna look
like Susan from Guess Who?

Oh, for sure.
It's like I said in Maxim when I was 19,

I'm never gonna do plastic surgery.
That's binding.

[cell phone chimes]

Oh! Text from Tate.
"Love the love song, can you pop over?"

You wrote us a hit.

What if we just start
with all the words we know?

Uh...

♪ Terrace ♪

♪ Biscotti ♪

♪ Tornado ♪

You know, I was thinking,
what if we went even deeper?

-Oh, yeah.
-Here. Sit right here.

Okay. Finish this sentence
in your notebook, okay?

Wickie Roy is...

-Five-dimensional.
-Hmm.

Fearless.

Funny.

A keen observer.

Ladies, thank you "5 coming".

That love song, I was like, "The boppery."

-Thank you.
-One thing I wanted to flag.

So there's a guy
who works here who has kids,

when he heard it, he was like-- I can't
do him justice because he's so tired,

-but he goes, "I've heard that song."
-Like, at the future Grammys.

No. I guess it's the theme song
to some kids show, Bobby Baloney,

about a cow-pig that can see the future?

♪ Your eyes tell me a story
Of where our road will wind ♪

♪ Our eyes tell me a story
Half bovine, half swine ♪

♪ Half cow, moo ♪

♪ Half pig ♪

[oinks]

Used to show Bobby Baloney to Max
when he was a baby.

It must have filed away
in my subconscious.

It was an accident, but we can't afford
the rights, and we can't risk a lawsuit.

The other thing is, you guys only have
a couple weeks left in the studio.

So if the love song thing
is tripping you up,

just scrap it and open things up.

Revenge songs are hot.

Adele wrote a song about wine.

It's time to get in the quantity business.

-Copy, got it.
-And whatever you make,

it'd be amazing if it were the exact
length of a teenager's skincare routine.

Three minutes, 45 seconds.

Look at you, on a roll. Right on.

We're writing my story.

Is it cheating to invent a dead parent?
It always seems to hook people. Right--

-Where is Gloria?
-Oh, I just saw her outside.

That little stinktress.

Excuse me. Age before toddlers. Excuse me.

You're a stalker.
You must know who's under the suit.

Hey. My privacy.

Can you hear yourself?

[crowd shouting]

Hi. Just make it out to…

-T.K.
-It's me, Gloria. It's okay.

You can tell me it's you, Ashley.

I get it, there's a lot of people around,
just let me measure your feet.

[T.K.] Sorry.
I'm not who you think I am. Toodles.

Okay, you done?

She just said she's not Ashley.

-End of story.
-Prologue of story.

She just proved it's her.

-[man] If you were a poker hand...
-Dang autoplay.

...you'd be four jokers
with a piece of sh*t.

Okay. I have everything
from loading up Ashley's hologram.

All the way back to when
she was in commercials. Look at this.

[pop music playing]

Meet The 'Tudle.
The smallest backpacklet on the market.

All back, no pack.

The 'Tudle.
Try and find it at Wanamaker's.

This proves what?

The 'Tudle?

Outside, T.K. said "Toodles."
I mean, that can't be an accident.

Well, we're back
and even behind-er than this morning.

The love song is dead.

I'm a plagiarizer.

What?

It's okay. We'll just--
We'll write another one.

I should check that "Momentum"
isn't the Facts of Life theme.

-I'm worse than Robin Thicke.
-No one's worse than Robin Thicke.

-Maybe these guys cracked something?
-When T.K. gets back from lunch,

-I'm gonna rip her mask off.
-I'm gonna take that as a no.

Her bodyguards are short,
so you know they do v*olence.

When will this end?

You thought Ashley
was in The Polyphonic Spree.

You thought she was a tollbooth worker you
saw by the Holland Tunnel who was Black.

And had the same tattoo

of a Tasmanian Devil
getting head from a butterfly.

-You need to move on here.
-Of course you'd tell me to move on.

That's what you do best.

You moved on so fast, you didn't even come
to Ashley's bench dedication.

I was in L.A. getting my wax figure cast.

I suffered too.

-Please.
-I had straws in my mouth and butt

so nothing bubbled.

-If you don't, you risk a bunny tail.
-[Gloria] I know T.K. is her.

If you look hard enough at any old video,
you can bend your brain to find a clue.

[all shouting]

Done! Done!

[Wickie]
I can't believe we won a fricking DCA!

-Yes!
-Tom Arnold was so nice.

We are breathing rare air!

[Wickie] That's right!

This is too "kewl"!

Wickie. She just put
a big T and a K on that mirror.

And other letters too.

As your friend, if I can prove to you
that T.K. is not Ashley,

will you drop this for good?

You're gonna help me? I f*cking love you.

-It's not her.
-It's her. Oh, yeah.

[gasps] Oh.

What about something from the perspective
of a waiting fisherman's wife?

♪ Sea, sea ♪

♪ Sea Seaman's first ♪

f*ck.

Don't be so hard on yourself.
Everybody accidentally borrows stuff.

Being sued by Marvin Gaye's nephews
is a rite of passage.

Oh, my God,
the line at Sweetgreen was crazy long,

like it was for sneakers.

-Summer, you got the thread lift.
-What? I would never.

No. It's probably just
a delayed response from the massage.

I've been drinking a lot of green juice.

I'm in a really good place.
Japanese sweet potatoes. Turmeric.

Sometimes people say a lot of reasons
when they're lying.

No. I'm just-- I'm very well rested.
I've been avoiding nightshades, you know?

Silk pillowcases
and cutting down on screen time.

Decluttering. Alkaline water.
Manuka. Bone broth and gratitude.

[clears throat]

♪ I know I can trust ♪

♪ Shapiro and Brandt
Commercial litigation ♪

The more personal you get, the less likely
it's gonna feel like something else.

Should we do a song
about honest, natural beauty?

You know what always gets juices flowing?
Who are you mad at?

Tate did say
that revenge songs are very hot.

Who's wronged us?

♪ Threw us together in a motel room ♪

♪ Promised we'd be famous soon ♪

♪ Made his money on a basement zoo ♪

♪ Saw The Spice Girls
Said, "I can pick girls too" ♪

Yes! Oh, my God,
this is about Larry. Wait, I have, um...

♪ Cranked our tanning booths to ten ♪

♪ Dyed his arm hairs black and then ♪

Raymond, go. Hit the special button.
We're in the pocket.

-♪ Da-da! Da-da-da, da ♪
-♪ He said, "Don't get fat" ♪

I taped these to all the other
women's bathrooms in the building.

A bathroom "Out of Order" sign is
as respected in this country as the flag,

-or James Earl Jones.
-Yes, I never question them.

The human bladder is the reason
that most stakeouts fall apart,

so this is an ideal situation.

T.K.'s not gonna just take off her mask
because we ask.

We have to be delicate and precise.
You already had your sh*t with her.

-Now, let me take mine.
-Okay.

By all means.

♪ Leaving the stage
We'd hear through a cough ♪

[both]
♪ "Looks like talent took the day off" ♪

♪ Only let us eat crab
Because you can't get fat ♪

♪ From food that's so damn hard
To get at ♪

♪ Sketchy financials, 98% commission ♪

♪ Our tour was only through countries
With no extradition ♪

♪ Twenty years later
We can still hear him say ♪

♪ "You work like dogs
The kind that sleep all day" ♪

♪ But now we're at the wheel ♪

♪ You can take the bus ♪

♪ Because everything we do ♪

♪ Belongs to us ♪

[squeals]

Oh, this is cathartic as hell!

[Summer shouts]

[Larry] Wow, y'all.

Wow.

[Summer] Larry?

What are you doing here?

Collab's in Studio Five
and we had some extra Brofu.

So I hope you had some fun because that
song is never gonna see the light of day.

-Why is that?
-Because it's theft.

That's my life, my story. Mine to tell.

You're a Bad Art Friend.

That's not how
Bad Art Friend works, Larry.

-Girls5Eva lived this story.
-But you lifted my words verbato.

"You work like dogs,
the kind that sleep all day." That's mine.

"Looks like talent took the day off."
Also mine.

"You're replaceable as baby teeth."
This is plagiarism.

You use it,
you're buying yourself a lawsuit.

-You want a lawsuit?
-No, courtroom lighting is really bad.

All right, now, look,
I'm a reasonable guy, now.

Evolved.

I only walk around
with medium d*ck energy.

So how about
you can put the song on your album,

if you throw me a co-writing credit

and you add a thing
where you say I'm tall.

-Oh, no way, Larry.
-Ew.

You look good.

Manuka?

[door opens]

[water running]

Oh, my God.

T.K., right?

Ugh. I'm so glad you're here.

-[T.K.] Do we know each other?
-Wickie Roy, recording artist.

Look, I just found out
my stalker is hanging around the building.

You get it.

I need to slip out undetected, otherwise
he'll try to take some of my eyelashes.

Could I borrow your suit?

I'm sorry, love, I can't. I can lend you
a bodyguard to get out, though.

No, it's okay.

Oh, no. I just saw on Toilet TV
that the Hockley 459 beekeeper headdress

and accompanying veil
have been recalled for suffocation risk.

Anyone wearing one should take it off now.

[T.K.] I'm going to find
a different bathroom.

It's not Ashley, the smells are wrong.

-Stand down.
-I gotta know.

-Gloria.
-Hey.

Ow!

My mystique.

Gloria, rude.

-You're not her.
-I'm not who? Ow!

-That hurt.
-How could you not be our friend Ashley?

I am so sick of being a Rorschach blot
for other people's crap.

Everyone thinks I'm JFK Junior
or their high school girlfriend

or Carole Baskin's dead husband.

I'm just Beth.

My dad's a DJ
and we agreed I needed a thing.

Oh, my God, did I call it.

Whoever you thought I was, they are gone.

So just deal with your crap
and leave me out of it.

[in deep voice] Goodbye, b*tches.

[in normal voice]
Tell no one what you saw here, dang it.

You ruined my mystique.

I'm supposed to walk a tiger
in Machine g*n Kelly's wedding

and now I'm all scared.

No. Larry's bluffing,
he's not gonna sue us.

He sued a Starbucks
for not being where he thought it was.

I think we should take his deal.

We cannot give Larry writing credit
on our song that rips him.

Well, he is quoted all over it.
I know it's gross,

but if this is the only way
that people are gonna hear it...

-Then I'd rather k*ll the song.
-But we need songs.

Dawn, you heard Tate, we're so behind.

God.

I just think that we need to get really
honest about where we are right now.

I should get honest? Your thread lift's
caught on the soundproofing, isn't it?

What? No.

I'm just casual.
You know? Green juice culture.

Intermittent fasting
and apple cider vinegar. Cupping.

-I've gone paperless.
-You are ridiculous.

I just want this song on the album, Dawn.

Yeah. So do I, but it's dead.
Get a shovel.

-Ugh.
-We have no album.

Well, I think Gloria bought MasterClass.

Maybe Paul Simon did one?

[groans]

Oh.

[man on video] You'll find
that I'm a man of many talents.

-Freaking autoplay.
-[g*nshots, screaming]

Looks like talent took the day off.

Wait, what did he say?

-I said I'm sorry.
-We signed the NDA.

Really thought it was her.

What the hell is wrong with me?

You just want it to be her
because the truth is too hard.

Ashley fell off an infinity pool drunk.

It was the number one cause
of hot person death in 2003.

T.K. is right,
I got a lot of sh*t to deal with.

I am bad at letting go.

I have a Sims character named Val
who's been sh**ting hoops for 20 years.

Part of me thought it was her too.

-You did?
-Or hoped it was her.

I didn't skip Ashley's bench ceremony
because I was busy.

I skipped it because it was too hard.

I loved Ashley.

She was the only one in the group
I didn't think I was better than.

Sometimes… I still call her phone
to hear her outgoing message.

Her parents never turned it off.

That's me. I've been paying that bill.

I still call her like an idiot,
keep hoping she's gonna pick it up.

This is just all bubbling up
because we're all working together again.

It just really f*cking sucks
that she can't be part of any of it.

I know.

Maybe she can.

So you've come to your senses, smart.

I want my name spelled
all lowercase, cool.

We've been thinking,
and given the amount of direct quotes,

we're willing to share
writing credit on the track.

-With Mort Howard.
-Who?

The writer of Designated Interest,
the 1994 Steven Seagal punch-saga.

All of the insults that you hurled at us
came from that movie.

[Seagal] You work like a dog,
the kind that sleeps all day.

But you forgot one thing, Scalabrini,
my kicking.

Okay. It's hard to be original.

Look, every guy is shaped by a cool movie
that they quote incessantly.

-In almost all cases it's Fight Club.
-Yeah.

Okay. Forget about my credit.

Where are we
with adding the thing where I'm tall?

No.

"Now get out of my airspace."

A girl quoting a movie?

That's never happened in the world.
You're a trailblazer, Dawn.

Whoo!

That was amazing.

And listen, honey, while we're being
all brave and trailblazing?

Dawn, I need to tell you
something about my face.

-Oh, Summer, I know what you did.
-It's not just all infrared saunas.

Wellness. Gong baths. Plant-based diet.

-Returning to my breath--
-Right.

-You got a thread lift.
-I got a thread lift.

I have been to the Med part of the MedSpa.

All the time.
I mean, I've done everything.

Botox. Filler.

-Cheek sculpting. Chin shaving, I--
-No. I cannot take another list.

My God, that felt so good!
A weight has been lifted!

-So you're gonna stop doing it?
-No!

The growth is admitting it!

You know what? I am sick
of people like you judging me

so I feel like I have to do these things
in the shadows.

No. The only reason you do it
is because of societal pressure

-on women to look up--
-Bored. You know what I'll do next?

They're doing this thing where
they put, like, a Slinky under your butt.

-Leave me alone about it.
-Okay.

Well, will you just go
to a good place next time?

Fair. Because... all my threads came out.

-Ew.
-I know, it was gross.

Overall, a good day though.
We still don't have our love song,

but I'm sure
that will come to us eventually.

We found our love song!

Oh, my God!

What?

It's about Ashley!

You've reached Ashley's Splazz!

♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

♪ Not a day goes by without missing you ♪

♪ Wishing you were here
And the truth weren't true ♪

[all] ♪ Wanna hear your voice
But you don't answer anymore ♪

♪ Still we call you up ♪

[all] ♪ Sometimes to be sure ♪

♪ We hope somewhere that you can see ♪

♪ While you're swimming in infinity ♪

♪ That life is cruel and it probably ♪

[all] ♪ Should've been me ♪

♪ I did a lot of cocaine! ♪

[all] ♪ So much cocaine! ♪

♪ At the beep ♪

♪ At the beep ♪

♪ Message at the beep ♪

♪ Dream about you always
Even when we can't sleep ♪

♪ At the beep ♪

[Ashley]
♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

♪ At the beep ♪

♪ Message at the beep ♪

[Ashley]
♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

♪ To say ♪

♪ We love you ♪

♪ At the beep ♪

♪ Message at the beep ♪

[Ashley]
♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

♪ Oh ♪

[Ashley]
♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

-♪ Leave a message ♪
-♪ Leave a message ♪

-♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪
-♪ Leave a message ♪

-♪ If you love me ♪
-♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪

-♪ Leave a message if you love me ♪
-♪ Leave a message ♪

-♪ Leave a message ♪
-♪ If you love me ♪

♪ If you love me ♪

♪ Threw us together in a motel room ♪

♪ Promised we'd be famous soon ♪

♪ Made his money off a basement zoo ♪

♪ Saw the Spice Girls
Said, "I can pick girls too" ♪

♪ Bob Cratchit hours
Thousand crunches a day ♪

♪ Set of steak knives
To whoever lands Carson Daly ♪

♪ We were top 40
And living out our dre-yums ♪

♪ He got a Porsche
We got a Camel Cash per diem ♪

♪ After our shows, he took a bow ♪

♪ Drove us by his high school
Yelled, "Who's bad at football now?" ♪

♪ But we're finally at the wheel ♪

♪ You can take the bus ♪

♪ Because everything we do ♪

♪ Belongs to us ♪