02x06 - B.P.E.

[bunniefuu]

[Ray] "B.P.E." take one.

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Big p*ssy energy ♪

So I was thinking for the vocal,
just really raw emotion.

Don't overthink it.

♪ When I cry at a movie ♪

♪ I'm really crying about myself ♪

♪ Only sad that lady's dying ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm thinking about myself ♪

Yes, Wickieta.

This one's gonna be catnip
for the Property Brothers.

♪ Whoa-oh-oh ♪

♪ Kitchen reveal ♪

♪ The couple liked it ♪

-♪ B.P.E. ♪
-♪ Kick down the doors, no locks ♪

♪ I don't need a key, eyes down here, yeah
I'm the centerpiece, animal queendom ♪

♪ Feline synergy, kicking down the doors
Big p*ssy Energy ♪

This album is fire, Dawn.

We are a dream team.

Call us "Coxsackie."

Your hand to my mouth.

Thanks, Wick. I actually have one more.

It's got nostalgia vibes.
Kind of like Gaga's "Joanne."

-[Summer] I love that.
-I was thinking that I might--

Oh, yes, a juicy solo.

Thank you, Dawn.

Yeah, sure, of course.
All yours. You'll be amazing.

♪ And daughter ♪

♪ I applaud her ♪

-What's it about?
-It's actually about my grandmother.

-Oh.
-[Dawn] Rosemary.

Yeah. She was the first "And Daughter"
on a sign in City Island.

-There she is. Look at that.
-They sold fish scraps.

-She was an eye digger.
-Well, music's all a metaphor.

I'm gonna have to learn some Italian?
Come over here. What is this?

[speaking Italian]

[repeats in Italian] ♪ I want this
Go f*ck yourself ♪

Yeah, that's it.

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3gether
'Cause that's one more than 2gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So, what are you waiting 5? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

Ladies, I can't believe
you're so close to being done.

So, we need to start
thinking about launch.

Already on it. Bandage dress,
bold lip, purse shaped like a watermelon.

Great. But we also need to clean up
any soche-meed snail trails.

You saw how fast Stinker went down.
Delete any weird tweets, Facebookeries.

We don't want anyone to find pics of y'all
dressed as Pocahontas for Halloween.

Even if we were honoring how hot she was?

I got zero skeletons.
Except the one in me.

Wait, didn't we wear "Bill Clinton
is innocent" shirts somewhere?

The villain
from the Ryan Murphy mini-scaries?

Boy, the world was slow
to get that one right.

-Well, we were all under Jay Leno's spell.
-Did we wear those on P.B.A.G.?

What in Zendaya's scorched earth
is P.B.A.G.?

After you ditched us to go solo

and Ashley joined
her eighth girl group, Lip City,

-we did a pilot for a hidden-camera show.
-Yeah, it was called P.B.A.G.

-Pranked by a Girl.
-[Gloria] It was hilarious.

Anyway, last order of beez-ness.

I'm being cute, not Spanish.

Does tomorrow work for you guys
to lay down vocals

for that "And Daughter" solo
and we'll see who's the best fit?

Wait. You want us to audition?

Why would we compete
within our own family?

We are not the Williams sisters.
We are the McConaugheys.

-He has a brother?
-Exactly.

I hear you,
but Collab's been doing a really fun thing

where they each try out for every song,
and it's been really energizing for them.

Their eyes got even shinier.

I don't know, guys.
I mean, if it's working for Collab,

shouldn't we give it a try?
To please der label?

-I'm being German, not cute.
-Fine.

But you should know
I have never lost at singing,

except once as a minor,
so those records are sealed.

[holding last note]

[audience cheering]

Two terrific performances.

Now for the judging.

For stand-up comedian
Mario Cantone, four stars.

And for singer Lesley Wiggens...

I haven't landed on my forever name.

...three and three-quarter stars.

[Mario] Thank you.

Ah! You're hurting me.

The world hasn't heard the last
from... Lesley Goldenbody.

No, that's not it.

They chose a comedian over me.

His whole set was about
which way to hang the toilet paper.

-Overhand.
-It's relatable.

If you'll excuse me,
I have a pre-audition ritual to attend to

that has never failed me.

Oh, sh**t. Did everyone leave already?

Yeah, hi. I just can't go home
until Stevia's friends leave

because, you know, she told them I'm dead.

Oh...

I got good news. I tore up my place
and I found the P.B.A.G. pilot.

It is too bad that Lifetime Raw
never took off, you know?

I know, right?

We were pioneers.

And that was before Punk'd.

We should be the ones married
to Mila Kunis.

[theme music playing]

[man on TV] P-P-P-P.B.A.G.

This week's P.B.A.G., this guy.

Okay, Percy, you've picked up Elijah Wood.

You need to get him
to the Van Wilder premiere.

It's been my dream to drive a limo
ever since I saw Wall Street

and I was like, "What is the driver up to
while this is all going on?"

Check your mirrors, please.

Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t! Oh, sh*t!
Did I just hit a girl?

[Dawn] Wow, y'all. Wow.

[Percy] Oh, sh*t.

Well, there's that stupid shirt.

We're gonna have to destroy
this bad boy just to be safe.

Oh, my God, please don't be dead.

Why is this happening to me?

Because you just got P.B.A.G.'ed!

Ha! Pew, pew, pew, pew.

[announcer] B-B-B-Bagged and tagged.

Ugh...

Gross. This is way more aggressive
than I remember it being.

Of course it was.
It was Lifetime Raw, baby.

I guess we did give him
a gift card to Bertucci's.

And a copy of the pilot.

Oh, sh**t.

Well, I guess we're gonna have
to track that guy down

-and get the tape.
-Apologize.

♪ So, oh, yeah ♪

Thank you.

Thank you. It is so nice to be back
performing in an intimate venue like this.

That was "Red Solo Cup"
by Sir Tobias Keith.

I wanna sing Adele

because I'm getting married tomorrow
and I still yank it to my ex.

What, what?

Feeling good, feeling strong,
ready to destroy this audition.

Hey. You were amazing.

Thank you.

It is always good to meet a fan.

No, it's me, Scott.
You... live in my apartment.

What are you doing here?

I'm here with some teachers from work.
The conservative lady on the school board

had a ministroke, so now we're allowed
to teach dinosaurs again.

-Get up there, Scott.
-Nah, do I have to?

Come on. The world
is four and a half billion years old.

No one is even gonna remember this.

Ah, okay.

[scoffs]

This is gonna be good.

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then
I get a little bit lonely ♪

♪ And you're never coming 'round ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then
I get a little bit tired ♪

♪ Of listening to the sound of my tears ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then
I get a little bit nervous ♪

♪ That the best of all my years
Have gone by ♪

♪ Turn around ♪

♪ Every now and then I fall apart ♪

♪ And I need you now tonight ♪

♪ And I need you more than ever ♪

♪ And if you only hold me tight ♪

♪ We'll be holding on forever ♪

♪ Together we can make it
To the end of the line ♪

♪ Your love is like a shadow on me
All of the time ♪

♪ I don't know what to do
I'm always in the dark ♪

♪ We're living on a powder keg
And giving off sparks ♪

What is happening?

I lost at karaoke?

To a Scott?

Oh, come on. Come on, hey.

-Is this a P.B.A.G.?
-[Scott] Thanks.

I will not be auditioning today.

No one will.

What? Why not?

Because I'm taking a stand.

We're not letting a man pit us
against each other.

I actually consider myself
a parade-sized boy, but point taken.

This is our group, not Tate's.

Let's not degrade ourselves here

and give up our power
to make our own decisions.

It's fine by me.

I know my strengths.

Knockers and a kick.

Then it's settled. Auditions canceled
due to girl power and whatnot.

Sally Ride, R.B.G.,
Rosies Riveter and Perez!

Let's go, ladies.

This is the address Percy gave
for the P.B.A.G. release,

-so I hope he still lives here.
-I wonder if he'll remember us.

[doorbell rings]

[screaming]

Boy, you are slow at following.

If you were the baby duck
and I was your adult duck,

you'd be eaten by a hawk.

[chuckles] Yeah, totally.

Well, I didn't leave right away.

Tate thinks I should get the solo
on "And Daughter."

Sorry. Sorry.

You still auditioned?

I was just trying
not to piss off the label.

Just trying to respect the process.

But we're Coxsackie.

We have a system.

Well, sorry. Maybe sometimes
I wanna be the hand and the mouth.

-Is that so bad?
-If you wanted the solo,

why didn't you just come out
and say it like a normal person?

Why didn't you just offer it
like a normal person?

Even Paul lets George
do his own thing sometimes.

Because Paul George
is one basketball man, Dawn.

You're not making sense.

Wickie, I wrote a song
with a huge solo about my own grandmother.

How many hints do I gotta drop?

Everyone has a grandmother,
even grandmothers. It's universal.

This is why I didn't say anything.

Because you're only comfortable
being in Girls5eva when it's about you.

Taking press photos, you lost your mind
trying to figure out how to stand

in the center of four people.

[shutter clicking]

No, this isn't quite it. Sorry.

This was easier with five.

Found it.

Why can't you just let me have this?
Can you be happy for me for once?

I've been happy for you many times.

When you laid off gluten for a week,
I was your champion!

I need to go down
to the restaurant and count fish heads

to make sure my chef
isn't robbing me of fish torsos

because I am my grandmother's daughter!

[scoffs]

No, you're not!

Your mom is!

Sorry about that little "ah!" before,
you know.

I'm just so psyched to see you guys.

Oh, that show you did was so funny.

-Oh, thanks, Percy. You were great in it.
-Oh, good.

Totally in on the joke.

You know, I-- And the funniest part
is that you kept pranking only me.

Hi, stranger.

I'm Camby,
a natural brown hair slash veterinarian.

Are you okay?

Oh, hey, yeah. Kind of a weird day.
This group of women just kept pranking me.

-Do you wanna be my boyfriend?
-Really?

Jeez, it's been so long since I've had
a real connection with anyone.

I guess the universe rewards the patient.

-Let's kiss.
-Get away from my daughter, you sicko!

Oh, what is happening?

Ooh! He k*lled a girl!

What?

No!

I didn't do it!

[announcer] B-B-B-Bagged and tagged.

[laughing nervously] So funny.

So loved it.

And free pie.

Hey, Percy, you know,
I didn't see a limo out front.

-Are you still into that or...?
-No, not really craving the open road,

you know?

Yeah, I'm kind of, like, comfy up in here.

I make a decent living sticking my face
in fresh bread for strangers online.

I'm RealDoughBoy81 on OnlyFans.

Hey, do you happen to have a copy
of that pilot that we gave you?

We kind of wanted to buy it off you.
You know, just for our archives.

How about 60 bucks?

Sixty?

I'd do it for less. Okay.

Let's see here.

Oh, hey. Remember when you trapped me
in an elevator so long,

I had to pee in a corner,

and then you opened the doors
and there was my mom?

[laughs]

Hey, you know,
I think it might be in the basement.

Hey, Max is taking a rare nap,
so if you and Dawn are still fighting,

can you do it in harsh whispers that'll
blend in with the white noise machine?

I'm not fighting.

Your wife did sneakiness
and b*at me, unfair and round.

That's a very good voice level. Thank you.

Maybe she learned to sneak from you.
What is your deal?

You have a voice
like Lenny Kravitz's penis

and you hide it under a bushel?
That is a sin.

And even Lenny's penis
busted out eventually.

Your light should shine before others.

But in a wildly different genre than mine
so I don't see you as competition.

Don't worry. I just sing for fun.

Then how do you know who wins?

When did singing
become all about winning for you?

October 16th, 1995.

The Million Man March?

I need to go clean up my snail trail.

Thank you.

[Max] Daddy.

Son of a d*ck.

[Gloria] Well, mission accomplished.

What?

How many times do I have to tell you
we are not going to Samantha you?

It's not that.

Percy is clearly not thriving.

What if our pranks, like, traumatized him?

Back then,
all he wanted was a job and a girlfriend.

I feel like
we should do something, Gloria.

Come on,
this is just about the dumb T-shirts.

Okay, part of me is just like...

were we bad people?

Are you kidding me?

We were the ones
that got crapped on back then.

We had to go
to radio interviews wearing bikinis.

No, we were the good guys.

We gave back.

We did that Bob Geldof charity song.

♪ No presents ♪

♪ No fun ♪

♪ Just dirty huts in the blazing sun ♪

♪ Do they know it's a funky Christmas ♪

♪ In poor places? ♪

I know we made sad faces the entire time,

but even I know
that song was very patronizing and also--

You're bouncing around.
Enough of the apology tour.

Do you think Ashton Kutcher apologized

for telling that guy from Alias
his plane was crashing?

Percy signed the release
and he had a great time doing it.

Hey, hey.

Found her under a stack
of my dad's old Play-- boats.

Boats.

Play boats.

My dad loved boats.

Okay. Well, it's a pleasure
doing business with you, sir.

Right back at you.
Later days, funny ladies.

Pew, pew, pew! [whimpering]

Why am I scared? They're not g*ns.

They're my hands.

♪ Not everybody's grandma is universal ♪

♪ Get your own ♪

-We got the last P.B.A.G.
-Oh, cool.

-And Wickie is not back yet?
-She's still mad, I guess, huh?

I don't get it. She's acting like
I somehow snuck around behind her back

to steal a solo that I wrote
for myself about my grandmother.

What is that look? That's the same look
you gave to each other

when I defended Mario Batali.

Look, you didn't steal it,
but you did kind of do a backdoor Dawn.

-Is that an expression?
-Summer overheard you talking to Tate.

Hey, Tate. So I noticed that Collab
is always switching up who's singing lead.

How do they decide that stuff?

I just love hearing
about other groups' processes.

Well, it's pretty easy
because they don't super care about music.

They only care
about making TikTok fashion montages

that are like, "Oosh: tight suit. Oosh:
hat. Oosh: Miami. Oosh: basketball."

So they just each try singing lead on
every song and we see who's the best fit.

That's just such a smart, cool process.

If you guys wanted to try it,
we could set it up.

[Dawn] Well, whatever you think is best.

[scoffs] We were making small talk.

He offered.

No offense, Dawn, but sometimes
you just don't say what you're after.

Like when you auditioned for Girls5eva.

[young Gloria]
So much talent in one motel.

Break a leg, Shay. When you get this...

♪ You're gonna be famous 5eva ♪

[Larry] Who did that? Get them in here.

I can fix their looks.

[Dawn] It's out of my hands.

Oh, my Go-- I did backdoor.

"Oops, that was someone else's idea."

God, why don't I just come out
and say what I want?

It has never been hard for me.

Electric Bronco, lap pool,
Chris Pratt's third wife.

Maybe I backdoor
because if I don't say I want something,

then I can't be disappointed
if I don't get it.

Also, you hate confrontation. Helping.

Look, Dawn, you're a such good person.

But sometimes
you can be a little bit of a turd.

So why don't you just own up
and apologize.

[Summer] Yes.

Exactly.

Are you trying to be pointed?
Just stay in this.

You're right. I'll buy a Cameo from
Kevin from The Office to talk to Wickie.

No.

I'll talk to Wickie.

Hello, Mario Cantone.

Oh, hey, always nice to meet a fan.

Want a selfie?

Before I agree, do you now or have you
ever had ties to n*zi websites?

-I've been b*rned.
-Sir, I am not here for a selfie.

I'm here for a rematch.

I followed you
from your one-man show next door.

You and I both know I should have been
the 1995 Star Search champion.

That's where I know you from.

-Lesley Goldenbody.
-No. That was never-- It's--

It's Wickie Roy now.

Look, you left that day
with the championship

and the new Vivitar VCR,

but I left with a lifetime
of feeling like a runner-up,

and I am done feeling that way.

So...

First up, Paul Poundstone here.

Wait.

-You want me to do stand-up here? Now?
-[Wickie] I do.

Okay, well, jeez, it's been a minute.

I'm more of an actor these days.
Sex and the City, The Good Fight.

No?

Okay, um...

Let me see.

Oh, okay. This one got me into the semis.

Guys, hold on.

How weird is it that we drink milk?

And who was it that saw a baby cow
drinking from an udder and said:

"I'll have what she's having"?
And I'm not a boob guy,

so it's a double whammy for me.
But I do love a hot cocoa.

Okay, okay, okay.

Next up, the artist futurely known as...

Wickie Roy.

♪ There is a house in New Orleans ♪

♪ And it's called the Rising Sun ♪

♪ And it's been the ruin
Of many a poor girl ♪

♪ And, Lord, I know ♪

♪ I'm one ♪

[Mario] Whoo!

[laughs]

Oh, God, okay.

Who's it gonna be, boy?

-You want me to pick?
-Yes. Please, God. Please, God...

I don't know.
I guess him because he's buying something.

I can buy something.

A Q-Battery, a Master Lock,

and I'll take all your lukewarm,
unpeeled, hard-boiled eggs.

Hey. You can't let Star Search get to you.
That show didn't even make sense.

How do you compare singers and stand-up?
It's apples and oranges.

We sell those.

By the huge, dusty space heaters.

And I only won in '95
because a musician won the year before.

Remember? The 5-year-old country singer?
Three years later, she was 8

and there was nothing novel
about her anymore.

So the competition wasn't fair.

No. It was just a comedian's turn to win.
It's better for ratings if they mix it up.

Star Search
was only doing what's best for the show.

She bought all the eggs?

Well, guess these are headed
to Dawn's brother's crematorium.

Oh, fun.

Wow, D'Blaze,
there are so many great nominees

for Best Hip-Hop, Rap
or Reggae Video, Caucasian.

Well, Gloria, just being up here with you,
I feel like I already won a trophy.

-[laughing nervously] So funny.
-Because trophies are shaped like girls.

I love it.

Guidance counselor.

Guidance counse me.

Oh, I'm asleep. What happened?

I came in second on Star Search
for the good of the show.

And I know I need to do that
for the good of Girls5eva,

but every fiber
of my being is pushing back.

How do you do it, Scott?

How do you have that voice
and not rage every day

that you're the opposite of a star?
You're just invisible. You're nobody.

I think I'm pretty significant
in this world to my son, my wife,

my thriving fern.

I thought a rematch
with Mario Cantone would fix me,

but I still feel this insatiable need
to win. For the record, my fern is bigger.

-How do I stop doing that?
-I'm not sure you can.

You and I
may be wired differently, Wickie.

-You're more of a Michael Jordan.
-Driven by competition and cigars.

Yeah, sure. Have you ever considered
that losing might have its advantages?

How many years of motivation
did losing on Star Search get you?

Twenty... blah, blah.

All the greats lose.

And it fuels them.

-Didn't Usher also lose on Star Search?
-No.

He's Usher.

Oh. He's on a list of the top 500 stars
who lost on Star Search.

Usher, Justin Timberlake,
Alanis Morissette, Britney Spears...

Wickie Roy from Girls5eva and Mr. Dress.

Oh, my God.

I'm on a list with Drew Carey and Beyoncé.

Why did I pick that order?

Wickie. Can I talk to you?

Okay, look,
I backdoored you and I'm sorry.

I'm gonna be more direct
about what I want from now on.

It's really hard for me,
but I'm gonna channel my inner Wickie Roy.

Appropriation, but great.

Apology accepted.

I'm sorry too. You should take the lead
in the song about your grandmother.

If I'm gonna lose to anyone,
I want it to be you.

Oh, gosh. And this adversity will make
an excellent act break in my biopic.

Whatever works for you, Wick.

Honey, I'm so glad that you came around.

I know that I felt better
after I apologized

for calling Hilary Duff
a "tube steak" on Stern.

Well, the early aughts
were a real low point for empathy.

Hey, scooch up.
I think you're too far back.

Yeah, this is-- this is about good.
This is good. This is good.

[chuckles] Hey, look who's back.
It's-- Ooh, ah!

It was just a cloud.

We came by because we wanna tell you
how darn sorry we are

for all the stuff that we did to you.
We crossed a line.

We were real shits back then.
Especially me.

Especially her.

Okay. I didn't like it. And one time
after, I thought a mugging was a pranking

and they kicked me
and threw me in a dumpster.

Oh, boy.

I'm so sorry.

Can we maybe start over?

-Maybe with a real dinner at Bertucci's?
-That sounds nice. I'd like that.

Me too, Percy.

Me freaking too.

Come here.

[expl*si*n]

Holy mother of hell.

My Cube.

-Oh!
-P.B.A.M. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Suck it, Girls5eva.

You just got pranked by a man.

Pew, pew, pew, pew, pew. Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Revenge prank.

I helped!

To make it up to him.

Well, I don't know
if exploding my car classifies as a prank,

but I deserved that.

Oh, that felt amazing.

I'm ready to take on the world again!

Okay, that is pretty funny.

Remember, Michael Jordan,
this is just for fun. There is no winner.

Well, that's confusing
because it's only fun when there is one.

Wrong. You can do this, Wickie.

Okay. "B.P.E.," y'all, here we go.

♪ Stepping out,
Done playing it small ♪

♪ Taking over, yeah, wall to wall ♪

♪ Going up like a cannonball ♪

♪ It's B.P.E., y'all ♪

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, B.P.E. ♪
-Wickie, there's no audience.

-No judges.
-Got it.

Damn it.

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Kick down the doors
No locks, I don't need a key ♪

♪ Eyes down here, yeah
I'm the centerpiece ♪

♪ Animal queendom, feline synergy ♪

♪ Kicking down the doors
Big p*ssy energy ♪

-Hey.
-Wickie. It's just us.

It's actually freeing
because who cares what you two think?

Come on.

♪ Nothing to prove
Don't care if you like me ♪

♪ Swagger that says
You just met somebody ♪

♪ Confidence boosted by vitamin P ♪

♪ Kicking down the doors
Big p*ssy energy! ♪

♪ Square feet, I'm going for miles ♪

♪ Upgrade breaking up the aisles ♪

♪ Open up those classified files
In the Department of Treasury ♪

♪ Big p*ssy energy! ♪

Dawn!

You said you wanted a solo.

Well, get your big p*ssy up and take it!

Okay!

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Kick down the doors
No locks, I don't need a key ♪

♪ Eyes down here, yeah
I'm the centerpiece ♪

♪ Animal queendom, feline synergy ♪

♪ Kicking down the doors
Big p*ssy energy! ♪

Whoo!

♪ When I cry at a movie ♪

♪ I'm really crying about myself ♪

♪ Only sad that lady's dying ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm thinking about myself ♪

♪ When a friend tells me their cousin ♪

♪ Got a bad disease ♪

♪ My first question is
What were their symptoms ♪

♪ 'Cause now I'm worried about me ♪

♪ Bawling on a plane
watching a sports biopic ♪

♪ I'm thinking about myself ♪

♪ Staring in the eyes of a zoo tiger ♪

♪ I'm thinking about myself ♪

♪ Crying harder than anyone ♪

♪ At a funeral
For a great-uncle I barely knew ♪

♪ It's because I'm thinking about me ♪

♪ Will I die on the toilet too? ♪

♪ See, I got a lot of feelings ♪

♪ But the access point is me ♪

♪ I'm probably sad for you ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm mostly thinking about me ♪