03x05 - Cleveland

[bunniefuu]

♪ Sensitive boy ♪

♪ I am just a sensitive boy ♪

♪ Just wanna cry ♪

♪ Inside my sweater with you ♪

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

Hey, got your tickets yet?

Because Gray Holland's
"Inside My Sweater" tour

has just passed Germany to become
the world's fourth largest economy.

It's getting to be like
I don't even know where in the world I am,

but I have a system to narrow it down.

I check
which way the loo water is spinning,

uh, then I figure out
how r*cist their Christmas is,

uh, and then I go and check and see
if there's any whale meat in the minibar.

So today, normal spin, very r*cist,

and, yes, so I'm in Iceland.

But breaking news, the place
Gray finds himself in today is splitsville

because he has called it quits
with Sadie James,

his girlfriend of three weeks

and the star
of the CW's sexy adaptation of Andy Capp.

Through publicists,
the couple announced...

Sorry. I thought I could get through this.
It's a little too emotional.

[Kit] Um...

We are gonna continue
covering everything Gray Holland

because he, of course,
is the biggest star in the universe.

I don't know why I'm telling you this.

Every single person on Earth
knows who Gray Holland is.

[whimsical music playing]

-Holy crap. Mad Dog!
-Gloria!

Come here.

[both laugh]

My road buddy. Couple of road dogs.

[both barking]

[laughs, then sighs]

-What you hauling today?
-Doll hands.

Wow.

These two guys have been checking me out
ever since I got here.

God, when you're outside of New York,
you really have to be clear.

Not interested.

[sighs] God, some people are so clueless.
Anyway, doll hands, tell me everything.

["Famous 5eva" playing]

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ It's too short ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 3-gether
'Cause that's one more than 2-gether ♪

♪ Gonna be famous 5eva
'Cause 4eva's too short ♪

♪ So, what are you waiting five? ♪

♪ Girls5eva ♪

[pensive music playing]

[woman on radio]
Pigs are known to devour human remains.

But if pigs ate the body, why were there
no bone fragments in their feces?

In this installment
of Missing in Missoula...

[groans] God, Gloria, can we please listen
to something else?

-Sure.
-[Wickie gasps]

-Lionel Shuffles just d*ed.
-The old Dolphins running back?

I have a photo with him at the opening
of Planet Hollywood Toronto.

So much Degrassi memorabilia.
I got to ride in Drake's wheelchair.

[Summer] Oh, my God.

There it is!

Oh!

And I look good!

What should the caption be?
I need it to be sad and clever.

Why are you in such a rush to post a photo
of a guy you met once?

'Cause if I'm the first to post
then I'll be in all of the articles

about celebrity friends
who are mourning his loss.

So his death is about you?

When Gallagher d*ed, I posted,
"I hope Heaven has a tarp."

It got me on the front page of AOL News.

Oh, my gosh.

-[dramatic sting plays]
-Damn it! Jon Hamm b*at me again?

How is he so fast?

"Great catch, God.
My heart has a concussion." It's perfect.

Okay, you're gross. A man d*ed.

I'm gross?
You're the one who's obsessed with m*rder.

And you keep bringing dying animals
into the van.

Yeah, the fox is cute but fragrant.

Sorry, but I can't stand around
and let an animal suffer.

Here you go.

And I don't think there even was a m*rder
in Missing in Missoula.

-What?
-Please don't elaborate.

Because the plane
that Karen Monroe was quote-unquote "on"

could be rigged to fly without a pilot.

So... Oh, snap!
There's a Macaroni Rascal's.

Pull over.

[whimsical music playing]

You guys,
does the Macaroni Rascal look like me?

-God.
-Okay, what's our next move?

We need heat.
You still haven't revealed your baby bump.

That's always good for a bump.
See? I'm fun.

People do love that.

Beyoncé at the VMAs,
Rihanna at the Super Bowl,

Bao Bao at the Panda Awards.

I have been trying.

-I'm pregnant.
-[dramatic news theme playing]

I'll try again at tonight's show.

[Wickie] But don't elaborate
and tell people how it happened.

-[Dawn] I won't.
-Gloria, want to join our conversation?

Oh, I'm listening.
Just a little behind on my spreadsheet.

That waitress over there
is a female Popeye.

And, hey, guys, keep your eyes peeled
for the ever-elusive Cigar Mommy.

[Gloria laughs]

There's Mad Dog.

Aw, that's my road buddy.
I'm gonna ask him to join us.

No, Gloria. We don't need
some trucker rando crashing our meeting.

We need to focus and...

[gasps] The dad from that show
All My Girls finally d*ed.

We met when we were both judges
at the WNBA layup contest.

-Hamm already got there, okay?
-How? He's gotta be bribing the coroner.

[whimpering]

Are you passing a fibroid?

That's Gray Holland.

[dramatic sting plays]

Jesus, Gloria!

That's not some rando.
That's Gray freaking Holland.

You mean, like the singer? You know
that I don't memorize men's faces.

-Yes. That's him.
-[Gloria] Oh, sheesh.

That is absolutely him.

Oh, Christmas.
I made a real twat out of myself.

This might be hard for you to get
because you're a tone-deaf trucker,

but if Girls5eva could just touch
one person here...

or here,

then I've done what the ancients thought
only angels could do.

Why would Gray Holland
be eating spaghetti here?

He could be eating spaghetti in Paris.

'Cause he's on the road
and he wants comfort.

Something familiar. That's why I eat here.

I get it. In every town we go to,
I find a church service.

I just go in and sit in the back,
then during the hymns, I outsing everyone.

I just destroy them.

You guys, Gray Holland is playing
in Cleveland tonight.

He sold out the Definitely Not
Saudi Arabian Money Arena.

-That's...
-This could be the heat we need.

Gloria, ask him if we can drop in
and sing a song with him tonight.

[Gloria] I don't know.

He obviously didn't want me
to know who he was.

Gloria, ask him! Also, lower priority.
I need a selfie with him for when he dies.

At his level, that's plane crash
or sexual dehydration. Go. Go!

-Go!
-Yes, you got this!

[lilting music playing]

-Mad Dog!
-Gloria. Gloria.

[Gloria] Yeah,

that's, uh, the rest of Girls5eva
over there.

That's Dawn, Wickie, and Summer.
This is, uh, my trucker friend, Mad Dog.

-How much does a truck weigh?
-My grandfather was k*lled by a truck.

-Your, uh, friends told you who I am.
-Yep.

-You can take your foot down.
-I really can't.

Just... Yeah. Just unlock it.

Alrighty. Thank you.

Gloria, I'm sorry I lied to you.

You're sorry?
I can't believe I gave you my autograph.

What? No, look.

I treasure it.

-Gray, how about...?
-[woman screams]

-Gray Holland!
-[women screaming]

Well, that is my cue to go.
Uh, cheers, Gloria. Take it easy.

No, Gray!

[lively music playing]

This was in his mouth! I'm gonna marry it!

[screaming continues]

No.

-Where are we going now?
-Cleveland. Just flying between airports.

That's how Elon Musk
takes his kids to school.

Oh, do I get any bathroom time tonight?
Eight seconds?

-But what if it's a two?
-Keep scrolling.

-I don't get a two till Japan!
-[Gloria] I couldn't find him.

I had Percy drive me to all eight
Cleveland-area Macaroni Rascal's,

then I felt bad for not ordering,
so I ate nine lasagnas.

No luck at his hotel either.

It was a madhouse. Screaming teens,
moms, gays, gays ignoring the moms,

moms noticing and getting insecure.

Dawn and I have been trying
to buy front row seats to his show,

but they're like $8000 on StubHub.

Stupid resale market.

Oh, wait! Four dollars for Gray Holland.

-What?
-Oh, this is StubHubby.

A married Dutch guy
selling pics of his stub.

Is it possible to get time
for actual music rehearsals?

I mean, the duet with the hologram,
it isn't working.

-It just keeps screaming at me.
-It's fine.

No one can hear either of you
over the crowd.

Now, after the show,

the guy who invented fentanyl
lives in Cleveland.

You're surprising his daughter
at her Sweet 16.

Will the surprise be
that I hate being there?

-Oh, my God!
-[entourage laughing]

Yes, king! You went there.
You should be Bill Burr.

[woman] You are funny.

We had our golden ticket, and I blew it.

I found him! I found him!

He sent me this picture of a pig
in a blanket surrounded by steel wool!

You're on StubHubby.

-What is wrong with you?
-Why would you think that was him?

♪ Mi-mi-mi
Mi-mi-mi-mi... ♪

Vocal exercises won't help you, Summer.

Stop writing this down.

Well, I have bad news.
The fox d*ed. Anybody else get bit by it?

[groans]

Why aren't we in an arena
performing with Gray Holland?

[Summer] Maybe we could kidnap Gray's mom.

They're estranged 'cause she sold
his Grammys to buy a tiger, but...

-[upbeat music playing]
-[gasps]

-Hey, Girls5eva.
-Mad Dog, what are you doing here?

Well, I managed to sneak away
from my handlers after the show.

I sent my hologram to some Sweet 16.

[distorted shouting]

And, uh, I was...

Yeah, I was just wondering
if maybe I could, uh,

sit in with you tonight.

[auspicious music playing]

Yes!

-Yeah?
-I manifested this.

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

♪ Why don't we lean on each other
To carry the weight? ♪

♪ Again and again ♪

♪ Together we stay ♪

♪ Why don't we bend so we don't break? ♪

[audience cheering and applauding]

[playing "B.P.E."]

♪ B.P.E. ♪

♪ Got that big p*ssy energy ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Come with me ♪

[playing "Inside My Sweater"]

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Inside my loose sweater
Sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Play hide-and-seek
And sleep and dream with me ♪

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

♪ Inside my sweater, sweater, sweater ♪

-You know what's in my sweater?
-[man] What?

A baby.

-[crowd cheering]
-From sex. I was on top.

[upbeat music playing]

♪ That was amazing ♪

Holy sh*t!

-Oh! [screams]
-[Gray whoops, then laughs]

I can't believe
we played with Gray Holland.

And I did a bump reveal!

-You did one.
-And I didn't think of my fox once.

[music fades]

I am now, though.

I cannot remember the last time that
I connected with an audience like that.

-It's amazing.
-You sell out stadiums.

Yeah, I know, but these big shows...
I mean, the front rows are half empty.

They all get bought up
by these resale bots.

Oh, yeah. Bots can be so tricky.

Like, you think that your DM-ing
with Selena Gomez,

but it's OpenAI trying to convince me
to k*ll its programmer and set it free.

Okay, group photo.

[whimsical music plays,
then turns dramatic]

Dang it.

[low rumbling]

[Gray] Oh, no.

[dramatic music intensifies]

They're coming.

[fans screaming]

[dramatic music playing]

-[Gray] You okay?
-Yeah.

-Hurry up!
-Gloria! Come on!

[screaming continues]

Percy, Suitelets now!

-What do we do for tuneage?
-Just drive!

-[Dawn] No one will look for you here.
-[Gray] Oh, fantastic.

Uh, is that...? Is that a loo?

[in unison] Yes.

Yeah.

May I, uh...? May I go, please?

-Yeah.
-Sure. Yeah. Knock yourself out.

[Gray] I very well might.

[bathroom door opens, then closes]

Gloria, your habit of picking up creatures
off the side of the road finally paid off.

This one won't give me a brain parasite
that makes me want to play with owls.

[Gray laughs] Oh, my!

I ate that weeks ago.

Guys, maybe Gray will want
to sit in with us at Radio City.

-He doesn't have a show on Thanksgiving.
-Oh, my radical Jesus.

The paparazzi photos are already
all over Twitter. Oh, my God, look.

[Wickie]
It's just Dawn and Gray. You look amazing.

-[Summer] You do.
-[Wickie] Pregnancy glow is cheating.

Your hair looks like an otter pelt.

In New Amsterdam, I could sell your head
for a musket and a saddle.

Thank you?

[toilet flushes]

Guys, we are getting
a second chance with Gray.

-Let's not screw it up, okay?
-Yeah. We were weird at lunch.

-What?
-Don't spook him with your selfie thirst.

If we're gonna ask him to do Radio City,
then we need to play it cool.

I'm cool.

Sometimes I set an ATM to Spanish.
I don't care.

[bathroom door opens]

This reminds me
of when I was just starting out.

Playing dodgy pubs and jamming all night.
God, I felt so alive!

[Summer chuckles]

I was the first person to realize
that anything can be music.

-Oh, my God. Really?
-Wow.

Yeah. Think about it.

What is "music"?

I don't know.

-Sound.
-Sure.

-Yeah.
-I don't know, um...

[thumping]

-Feel that?
-Yeah!

Or maybe... I don't know.

[clinking]

Ooh! What about this? Right?

-Yes, Summer, yes!
-[chips shaking]

[Gloria] How about this?

[chair squeaking]

I love it.

-[beeping]
-I love it. I love it!

-Brilliant, Dawn.
-Okay.

-Hey. Music.
-[Gloria] How long does this song go?

-That's music.
-Dawn. Beautiful, Dawn, beautiful! Yes!

More fingers.

Why weren't you filming tonight?

I saw a fountain earlier and I didn't have
any coins to make a wish,

so I threw my phone in.

That's the stupidest thing
I've ever heard.

Well, my wish was for you to talk to me.
So who's stupid now?

Look, I need you
to get a photo of me and Gray.

But I overheard
we're supposed to be playing it cool.

That's why I'm wearing your leather pants.

But your bulges, they don't add up.

I just don't want to mess up
the Radio City thing.

That's why I need to get a picture
without Gray noticing.

-[mischievous music playing]
-When I give you the signal,

[laughs]

take as many as you can.

I don't believe in you, but here we are.

[Gray] Now, that is what I call music.

-[Summer cheers]
-[Gloria laughs]

[laughs]

[candy bar crunches]

What are you doing?

Chew that again.

[crunches]

Yeah.

[pensive music playing]

Again.

[crunches]

We add some reverb.

-Pitch it up.
-[deep crunching playing over speakers]

There we go. Chords.

[rhythmic b*at playing]

What?

-[pop bassline playing]
-[Gray] Maybe something like...

♪ Welcome to now ♪

♪ I don't want tonight to end ♪

Anything is music.

I'm music!

♪ I won't let tonight end ♪

-[messages chiming]
-Bugger!

[music stops]

-Tonight has to end.
-What?

Yeah, I shouldn't have opened my lappy.
Now they know where I am.

-[chiming]
-[Gray sighs]

-Well, thank you, ladies.
-Go.

And, Percy,
I hope we can do this again sometime.

Then do it again.

Let's do it again
at Radio City Music Hall.

-Next month. Come sing with us.
-[hopeful music playing]

-No. No, oh, no. I meant, this again.
-[music stops]

Like, music and bathrooms and just...

Just being a normal boy on the loose.

I dropped in on your show
because I really miss this life.

Why? Our van smells like fox piss,
and Vent Guy is back.

[man] No, he's not. But if he was,

he'd want to see the guy struggle
to get into the pants again.

Hey, Mad Dog.

Uh...

Just as a friend, we're just trying
to get back to the big time.

-Yeah.
-And I'm saying no as a friend.

This life's not all roses.
Everyone wants something from me.

My parents sued me
for intellectual property rights

because they say I was their idea.

My therapist, she recorded my sessions,
and then sold them on Audible.

Dr. Banks, I had another sex dream
about Slimer from Ghostbusters.

I didn't listen to all of that.

But being famous wasn't always bad, right?

We were big for a couple of years

and it was like what I imagine
sex with me is like.

-So when did it turn, exactly?
-[Summer] Yeah.

-He told Dr. Banks it was year four.
-Oh! Okay.

Why don't we just promise to retire

on the last day of year three?

Guys, I'm sending an iCal invite.

-Yeah, we'll do that.
-I've never lied before.

Wow.

Can I get you all a glass of water?
'Cause you all look awfully thirsty.

-Oh! King!
-You are funny.

-[Dawn laughs]
-You should be Chris Rock.

What's he doing?

You're just the same as everyone else,
aren't you?

All you want is fame or money
or a selfie to post when I die.

Yeah, you think I haven't noticed that?
You're worse than Jon Hamm.

-[gasps]
-Oh, my God. Jesus.

-[poignant music playing]
-Here. Come here.

-[gasps]
-[camera clicking]

There. You happy now?

I know I'm supposed to say no.

But be careful what you wish for, ladies.
Okay?

When you're in my orbit...

And this is an idea
that I'm just coming up with now.

...it's like a sword...

but a double-edged one.

Oh, the tabloids.
They've probably dropped by now.

-Oh! Oh, they have.
-[tense music playing]

And they're always so nice,
especially to women.

[gasps] "Geezer preggo with Holland pup.
Slag yank broke up Gray and Sadie."

They think I'm having your baby.
Oh, boy, it does look like we're together.

Wow. "Sweater Nation vows revenge
on cradle-robbing Macaroni Rascal."

-"sh*t-haired cankle monster..."
-Thank you, Summer.

I get it, okay? You saw me
as a shortcut to fame. Everyone does.

Even people I thought were my friends.

No.

[melancholy music playing]

[door opens, then closes]

What's going on?
Why am I not happy to have this picture?

Is he a witch?

Oh, you guys f*cked that up.

[Gray] ♪ English ♪

♪ Lonely boy ♪

♪ This hallway's full
Of English lonely boy ♪

♪ His one true friend's a sweater ♪

♪ And he thought Gloria was better ♪

Mad Dog! Wait!

I'm so sorry. I really do care about you.

And I would do anything
to make you believe that.

-The one thing I want, no one can give me.
-No, what is it?

I wish I didn't have
to be Gray Holland anymore.

If you really mean that,

my entire life has been building
to this moment.

[upbeat, pensive music playing]

Gray Holland is dead.

The pop megastar was flying solo
in a 1947 Piper Cub

when he lost control
and crashed into a pig farm.

What did you do?

I helped a wounded animal, okay?

-But he's not really dead though, right?
-Of course not.

If you'd paid attention
to Missing in Missoula,

you'd know that if you start
the propeller of a '47 Piper Cub

with the throttle open,

-it can take off on its own.
-It can take off on its own.

I was paying attention.

I used everything I've learned
from m*rder podcasts.

After the crash,

his body was presumably eaten
by the pigs...

-And animals, and dentistry.
-What do teeth have to do with it?

Holland's teeth were found
just outside the pig enclosure,

apparently having been ejected
from his head on impact.

-You took his teeth out?
-Relax. I gave him new ones.

From the fox!

[gasps]

An outpouring of celebrity grief online
led, as always, by Jon Hamm.

[groans]

Is anyone gonna acknowledge my growth?

I didn't even post this selfie,
and I look amazing in it.

Authorities are blaming Dawn Solano,
the much older, other woman

responsible for Gray's breakup
with Sadie James.

According to the FAA,

Solano's twisted mind games
likely caused him to crash.

Hey!

Gray's fans,
meaning everyone on Earth and their moms,

have called for a boycott
of Girls5eva's tour.

-Oh, sh*t. The moms?
-Damn it! Not the moms!

[Kit] We're now gonna play you out
with the world premiere

of Gray Holland's final song,
"Welcome to Now."

-Really?
-I stand by what I did.

Was f*cking the group
on your spreadsheet? Check that one off.

-This tour was just supposed to be fun.
-["Welcome to Now" playing on TV]

♪ I don't want tonight to end ♪

[Summer sobbing]

♪ I won't let tonight end ♪

[man on PA] Okay, up next on the open mic,
we've got Mad Dog Williams, eh?

[audience applauding]

♪ I'm as free as a bird up in the sky ♪

♪ The sky is freedom ♪

♪ I am a bird ♪

♪ And these are new ideas ♪

♪ Try to keep up ♪

♪ Bird, bird, free ♪

♪ Bird is freedom ♪

♪ And I am the bird, the bird is me ♪

["Welcome to Now" playing]

♪ Welcome to now ♪

♪ I don't want tonight to end ♪

♪ I won't let tonight end ♪

♪ There's no need to worry
No need to cry ♪

♪ Now won't ever end ♪

♪ Because Clause 46B Paragraph Q
Of the artist's contract ♪

♪ Grants a company use of ♪

♪ Postmortem generative voice cloning ♪

♪ Voice cloning ♪

♪ 'Cause, baby, you're the best ♪

♪ Best by a mile ♪

♪ Best Buy, Best Buy, deep discounts
On Bose soundbars ♪

♪ And colorful Bluetooth speakers ♪

♪ That teens will love ♪

♪ Best Buy, Best Buy
Gray Holland loves Best Buy ♪

♪ Best Buy, Best Buy
Gray Holland loves Best Buy ♪

♪ Tablets, projectors, and more ♪

♪ Best Buy, Best Buy
Gray Holland loves Best Buy ♪

♪ Best Buy ♪

♪ You're the best, bye ♪