02x03 - In the Line of Duty

[bunniefuu]

( Groans ) It reeks! ( Bell rings ) ( Bell rings ) This is where it's coming from.

Okay, who is responsible for this?
- ( Kids laughing )
- Boy: Yeah
-ha!
- ( All chattering )
- Uh
-oh! Why do I even bother to ask?
- What were you thinking?!
- Well Mr.

auckepenny questioned my ability to create a chemical reaction.


- So
-
-
- to prove you could, you set off a stink cloud in the class? Exactly.

I think it's worthy of an "a.

" ( Groans ) All right, gentlemen, I want you to be careful in there.

No human can withstand even a whiff of this toxic air.

Hey, guys.

What's going on? Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! So how long a detention are we talking here? Permanent! Until the day you graduate, which I'm not convinced will ever happen, so it is permanent! No! ( Chuckles ) That's punishing me.

I'm the one who has to stay after class with him.

And you've done nothing wrong, so no detention.

Good talk, guys.

Ooh! Not so fast.

I know what we need to do.

Ooh! Do you have a plan more devious, even more sinister? Yes.

We are going to give him a position of authority.

I'd rather just throw him in the brig.

Well, no one has to know.

I meant, we are going to make Zack the hall monitor.

Oh that's a great idea.

Yeah, and while we're at it, why don't we put Woody in charge of the ship's chocolate frosting supply? It is a well
-known fact that then when rebellious teenagers are put in a position of authority, it often turns them into model citizens! Oh, did you happen to read that on the inside of a juice cap? You are a cynical little man.


- ( Gasps )
- I am an educator, not a warden.

Well, you're wearing the stripes.

Zack, instead of doing time in detention, we are going to give you community service.

Ugh, that sounds like helping people.

Can't you just throw me in the brig? ( Gasps ) Two against one! ( Mocking )
- Hey, Cody.


- Oh hey, Bailey.

My shift's almost over.

You got a second to hang out? I can't.

I'm late for physics.

But my mandarin class doesn't start until ( Speaks mandarin ) ( Sighs ) I can't.

I'm tutoring until 4:00.

But I'm free after that.

I can't.

I have an interview at a new boutique on the Plaza deck.

What? You can't get a job.

We'll never see each other.

I need money.

My parents couldn't send my allowance because of those evil weevils.

The weevils got your corn crop? No, the weevils got my parents.

Those must be some mighty big weevils.

No no no.

Joe and edna weevil, our next door neighbors.

They sued us.

They said they slipped on horse pucky, but I think that's a load of pucky.

One day I've got to visit your town wearing really big boots.

All right, let's go over your responsibilities when working the halls.

Rule number one
-
- make sure all the students have hall passes.

Yeah, I figured as much.

And then, uh
-
- well, that's it.

Cool, my kinda job.


- Hey, Zack.


- Hey, woodster.

Zack, why didn't you stop him and see if he had a hall pass? It's Woody.

He never has a hall pass.

Then don't let him by.

Your job is crucial to the safety of this ship.

Dude, I'm a hall monitor.

Zack, you'd better take this seriously.

These students have to be watched.


- Uh, Kirby?
- I don't want any horseplay in these halls.


- Uh, Kirby?
- You have no idea what kids will sneak past you if you don't stay sharp.

Actually, I got a pretty idea.

Whenlike my teeth on a double, youcheeseburger with bacon.

( Groans ) Woody I'm gonna have to see your hall pass.

( Laughs ) Yeah, good one, Zack.

No, I mean If you don't have one, I'm gonna give you detention.

But I got pizza.

And I even brought you a slice.


- Mm
-mmm!
- That's bribing an officer.

I'm gonna have to put this in the evidence locker.

Is the evidence locker your stomach? Maybe.

Bailey? What are you doing here? You don't buy nice clothes.

I'm here to apply for a job.

Have you seen the owner? Every time I look in a mirror.

So a lot! What don't you own on this ship? That dress.

You look like a taxi.

Leave my dress alone.

Hmm, bad attitude.

I'm noting that on your application.

Wait, so I have a sh*t? Of course, we're roommates.

This interview will just be a formality.


- So name?
- London? ( Gasps ) That's my name.

Address? The bed next to yours.

Do you have a criminal record? Not yet.

So, what makes you think you have what it takes to work at one of a kind? Well, I have tons of sales experience.

Every summer in kettlecorn, I worked at buck's bait and beauty barn.

Huh? You know ( Clears throat ) If you're gettin' gussied to go out or itchin' to land a trophy trout it's time to give buck a shout.

For all your worm and perm needs.

You know, a lot of people lie on their resumes.

You should be one of them.

I mean, do you have any experience selling clothes? Uh, would you count a hat that says
- "do it for the Halibut"?
- No.


- Then no.


- You're hired! ( Gasps ) Oh my gosh, really? Thank you! Oh my so excited.

I won't let you down.

What can I do first? Let me down.

Now don't blame me you guys got caught.

Had you snuck through the sewage flap and shimmied up the laundry sh**t you could have save us all a lot of trouble.

Now get out of here.

Oh and next time, don't chew gum in my hallways.

Hooligans.

Wow, Zack.

I must say, you are doing a great job as hall monitor.

Thank you.

You know, it is kind of a rush when you catch 'em red
-handed.


- Oh yeah.


- Their eyes bulge out and they start stammering "but
-
- but
-
-"
- ( both laughing )
- I know, I know.

And then they get that little bead of sweat
- right there
-
-
- right there!
- And their knees
-
-
- oh, I love the knees! I love the knees! ( Laughing ) Both: Ooh! It is fun, isn't it? You know, Mr.

moseby, I finally get you.

( Squeals ) ( Grunting, squealing ) Mr.

moseby! Don't hurt him.

Zack, what'd you do now? He's changed.

( Bell rings ) Oh, I knew that putting Zack in a position of authority would put him on the right track.

Actually, that was my idea.

Yes and I went along with it.

Oh, we are brilliant! Oh! Okay.

No public displays of affection in the hallway.

I'm gonna have to write you up.

Thank you for shopping at one of a kind.

Come back soon.

London, I just made my first sale! How could you sell my clothes? I thought that was my job.

You hired me as a salesgirl.

Yes, because you were completely unqualified! Okay, I'm confused.

Why did you open a store if you don't want to sell anything? ( Chuckles ) I think it's obvious.

But if I must explain everything to you Look, daddy wouldn't let me expand my closet, but he was all for me starting a business.

So all these clothes are for your personal use? Yes.

I mean, didn't you notice they were all my size and there's only one of each? Oh, so that's why it's "one of a kind.

" Wow, you're slow.

Which is why Mary's gonna b*at you out for employee of the month.

Honey, how are you doing today? Oh you look great.

You're so funny.

Hey, um, so if we don't sell anything, I'm still getting paid, right? Oh yeah, sure.

Now get back to work.

And remember
-
- don't sell, don't sell, don't sell.

How's my beautiful Bailey's comet?
- Just get out of astronomy?
- Yep.

And between classes, I have a few heavenly minutes to spend with you.

( Giggles ) Cody, I feel your gravitational pull.


- Oh.


- Oh, I have a customer.

I wouldn't touch that.

The dye'll come off on your hands.

Chee
-eap.

That's rat fur.

Well, that was odd.

( Groans ) I'm gonna be late for class.

But we never get to see each other.

And I don't get out of here until right before curfew.

Then we'll just have to meet A
-after curfew.

( Gasps ) But curfew is curfew.


- Curfew be darned!
- ( Gasps ) Why, you wild mustang.

No electric fence can corral you.

( Growls ) Or should I say "Neigh
-hey
-hey.

" I love this bad
-boy attitude.

Oh, I can be bad.

Real bad.

( Screams, thuds ) ( Coughs ) Did you just sell him that?
- Bailey!
- Cody! Finally, time alone.

( Dramatic music playing )
- ( Both grunt )
- ( Record scratches ) That never happens in the movies.

Yeah.

Can you check your forehead for my front tooth? Sweetie, are you okay? I am now.

I can't believe we're out here under the stars
- after curfew.


- I know.


- ( Both giggle )
- Kiss me, Cody.


- Okay.


- Zack: Freeze! Now keep those lips where I can see 'em! Do you kids know what time it is? Really, Zack? That's officer Martin to you.

You youngsters are breaking curfew.

I'm gonna need to see some I.

D.

( Scoffs ) Just pull out your I.

D.

And look at it.

None of your lip, mister.

I need your student number for the detention slip.

I knew this was a bad idea.

I thought you liked the bad
-boy me.

( Whinnies ) Save your insanity defense for court.

I don't have time for detention.

Okay, don't worry.

I'll take care of this.

Zack, you can't do this.

Hey, you break the rules, you pay the price.

Since when do you care about the rules? Since I took my sacred oath of duty.

You're a hall monitor.

That's right.

That's why I'm giving you each one of these.

I can't believe after all the times I've covered for you,
- you bust me!
- Heh! I didn't write the rules, I just enforce 'em.

After 16 years, you finally read a book and it's this one? ( Whistling ) ( Splashes ) Oh! You shouldn't have done that.

Assume the position!
- No.


- Don't resist, sir.

Oh, I'm going to resist all I want.

I'm resisting.

I'm resisting.

( Grunting ) Don't hurt him, he's fragile.

I'm not fragile! Ow! Ow! You know I have a trick knee! Move along, nothing to see here.

Bailey! There's a customer in the dressing room.


- Go kick her in the shins.


- But
-
- just do it! Don't yell at me! I've had a hard day.

I have detention later, my job doesn't make any sense and my feller's a victim of hall monitor brutality.

What's a feller? Never mind.

Wow, that dress looks perfect on her.

It sure does.

Now go tell her she looks like a ham stuffed in a tube sock.


- So what do you think?
- Um Well, it might be A little snug.

Really? I thought it was perfect.

I was hoping my boyfriend was going to propose tonight.

And I thought for once, I found the perfect dress.


- Maybe you're
-
-
- wrong.

I'm wrong.

It's perfect on you.

He's gonna propose and you're gonna live happily ever after with your feller in that dress.

Well, if you're sure, I'll just go take it
-
- no! Uh Wear it out.

I'll have your clothes sent to your cabin.


- Credit card?
- Where's my stupid wallet? London: Bailey, did you get rid of that customer yet? Uh, I'll just charge it to your cabin.

Just sign this.

Okay, never mind, I'll sign it.

Here you go.

There you go.

Go! Run! Run! Run like the wind! Bailey? Did you just make a sale? It was for a good cause.

That was my favorite dress.


- I want it back!
- ( Screams ) ( Both yelling ) She already paid for it.

And now, you're gonna pay! London, wait! She's getting engaged!
- No no no no!
- She deserves it! You're gonna get it, Bailey.

Don't you start! Don't you start with me! I'm gonna
-
- don't you
-
-
- Bailey?
- Ah! ( Screams )
- Oh!
- ( Bailey whimpers ) Bailey! Oh oh oh! ( Panting ) Mary, lock the store! Bailey! London: Bailey, I command you to get back here! You're not the commander of me!
- ( Beeping )
- Hold it, ladies! Whoo
-hoo! Do you have any idea how fast you were going? I clocked you doing five Miles per hour in a one mile per hour zone.

a*t*matic detention Plus you gotta go to walking school if you don't want this to affect your insurance.

Zack, I thought we were friends.

When I put on this badge, my only friend is the law.

Bailey, let me handle this.

( Clears throat ) Is this an attempt to bribe an officer? ( Chuckles ) It wouldn't be an attempt if you took it.

Running in the hall, bribery
-
- you're in a heap of trouble, missy.

Detention room, 3:30.

Be there! Don't worry, Bailey.

Mary'll bail us out.

Well, that's the end of my shift.

Kind of slow day.

If you have a busier day, we'll have to start making kids walk the plank.

Good idea.

As long as they walk, not run.

Yeah.

Ah.

( Blows ) Who did that? Hey, guys.


- All right.


- Boy: Never What's up? What's with them? They hate your slimy guts! Thanks, don't hold back.

Look, Zack, when you became hall monitor you reached new levels of jerkosity.

( Scoffs ) Jerkosity isn't even a word.

See? Only a jerk would point that out.

Insulting an officer
-
- that's a detention.

You're not even on duty.

I'm undercover.

You'll never catch me, copper.

( Coughing, panting ) Okay, you win.

Detention it is.


- Whoo!
- Tough day little buddy? Everybody hates me.

Yeah, it's a lonely life.

When I first got into security, I became so obsessed with enforcing the rules, I even screamed at my grandmama for getting in the express line with more than 12 items.

I hate when people do that.

Actually, it was just one can of peas, but there's hundreds of those little green suckers in there.

My point is, this is a hard job to get a handle on
-
- the wise cracks, people shunning you, grandmama stops sending you birthday cards and chocolate covered pork rinds.

The stress gets to you, man.

I used to have a full head of hair.

I need to go talk to moseby.

Mr.

moseby, I can't take it anymore.


- I'm resigning.


- I never gave you a badge.

How did you get a Boston police badge? Long story, but you probably don't want your fingerprints on that.

Ah! Anyway, I'm done with hall monitoring.

Why, Zack? Why? Because I went a little overboard and now my friends want to throw me overboard.

Look, Zack, I can't help but notice that you tend to go to extremes, whether it's breaking the rules or enforcing them.

( Sighs ) Well, what can I say? I'm a passionate guy.

Well, there are other ways of convincing Mr.

auckepenny of your skills besides releasing a stink cloud.

I mean, can't you find a middle ground.

Like what? You could just be a regular student who follows the rules.

Well, gee, that sounds boring.

Okay, I'll give it a try.

But first I have to win my friends back by getting detention.

How do you plan to do that?
- I've already done it.


- ( Distant expl*si*n )
- ( Passengers screaming )
- ( Whimpers ) Wait
-
- I
-
- oh yes, you have.

Who would've thought detention would be the only place we could spend a little time together? I guess we're both just prisoners of love.

No kissing in detention! Fine! Got another one for you, miss tutweiller.

It's a sad day when you find out one of your own is dirty.

Did you hear that, guys? I'm back with my peeps! No hard feelings, right? All: Oh really? No hard feelings? ( All chattering )
- Zack: Help!
- Coffee break.

Hey, London.

What did you want to talk to me about? ( Sighs ) Daddy found out I was using the store as my closet.

Now he's making me turn it into a real store and sell these.

( Gasps ) That's so cute! I love snow globes.

I have a kettlecorn one where you see a tornado blow a bunch of cows over a truck
-
- "moo!" Charming.

I mean, that's why I need you.

I mean, you know all about these cheap tchotchke.

Can I be nice to customers? Yes, and I need you to start right away.

Mary's terrible at the cash register.

This is all I get All day.

I am paying her way too much.