02x10 - Crossing Jordin

[bunniefuu]

Close your eyes
- And enter.


- ( Laughs ) ( Grunting )
- Okay, you can open your eyes now.


- Oh.


- Ta
-da!
- ( Pop music playing ) Welcome to the greatest bachelor pad afloat.

Huh? Huh? Add pizza and a big pile of meringue
-
- I would never leave.

Well, you've got to.

I invited Tiffany down to play some foosball.

Nothing impresses a girl like romantic music and tiny plastic men in shorts.

Ooh, cool chair! And it reclines.

Press this button.


- ( Chair whirrs, clicks )
- You know what? I think I know what the problem is.

Here, let me help you.

( Grunting ) ( Both scream, shout ) Um
-
- oops, sorry.

I didn't realize you had company.


- Wait, Tiffany!
- ( Screams ) Wait! Wait, let me go! No! I'm scared of the chair! ( Theme music playing ) oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! And this is the boys' dorm
-
- your room here.

I'm sure you'll be quite comfortable.


- Well, thank you, sir.


- Oh! ( Chuckles ) Marcus, I am the manager of the ship.

I couldn't possibly
-
- sweet mama, you're a good tipper! Right this way.

I'm sure it's not as luxurious as what you're used to, but
-
- holy makeover! What happened in here? Not bad.

And how did you know I love foosball? Well, who doesn't? I mean
-
- ha ha! There's a ball and then you
-
- you
-
- "foos" it.

That's my old recliner.

I wonder what that's doing in here.

Oh! Ho ho ho! I don't know why I ever got rid of you.


- ( Chair grinding, whirring )
- ( Grunting ) ( Screaming )
- Okay!
- I'm guessing that's the reason.

( Squealing )
- Hey.


- Marcus: Hey.

Excuse me.

What are you doing in my room? Your room? No, this is my room.

( Squeals ) Really? You see, 'cause I've lived here for a year and a half and I think I would've noticed ya.

Zack Martin, meet your new roommate Marcus little.


- Both: Roommate?!
- All right! Cut the chit
-chat! My name tag is piercing my heart! Okay.

( Muttering ) Oh! There it is.

Thank you.

The trick is to make a short but precise throw aimed just above the bull's
-eye so that the dart's parabolic trajectory will take it directly to its mark.

That's a bull's
-eye
-
- if you were trying to hit Margaret's mole.

I suppose you can do better? Well, I can try, although I've never really played darts before.


- Never?
- Well, we never had a fancy board like this one, but one summer, our screen door broke and we used darts to get rid of the flies.

You k*lled flies with darts? No! I didn't have the heart to k*ll them, so I just winged them and set them free.


- Want to play another game?
- Nope.

I mean, the nerve of this guy.

He takes half of my dresser, half of the bathroom and one of the two beds.

That's called sharing.

You know what? I don't want to share.


- I earned that room.


- ( Laughs ) No, you didn't.

You just somehow convinced moseby that Bailey was a girl, so I got stuck with a stupid roommate.

I'm stupid? This from the girl who got trapped on a stalled escalator.

"Help! The magic stairs are broken!" Hey, it was a terrifying 48 hours.

No, terrifying is having some creepy guy shoved in your room mid
-semester.


- Hey, Zack.


- Hey, Marcus! I was just telling everybody how happy I am to have a new roommate.

Marcus, I'd like you to meet London, Woody, Bailey and Cody my clone, which is why he has no personality.


- ( Chuckles )
- All: Hi, Marcus.

Nice to meet you all.

Zack, I was looking at my class schedule.

Where it says "lunch," do we actually eat or is that a class where we learn about lunch? It's where we eat.


- Cool.


- ( Laughs ) ( Silent ) So, Marcus, where did you live before? Well, um, here, there and everywhere.

( Gasps ) What's "everywhere" like this time of year? Warm but breezy.

You know, you remind me of someone.

( Laughs ) Well, Denzel and I get that all the time.

See ya.

You see? There's something weird about that guy.

He's moved around a lot, he's evasive.

( Gasps ) I've got it.

I've got it.

He's in the witness protection program
-
- probably a mob kid, yeah.


- ( All chattering )
- Uh, Woody, he doesn't exactly look like a wiseguy.

Well, that's the point.


- They give you a whole new look!
- Yeah.

Yeah, but that doesn't explain why he's never seen a high school schedule.

He's probably been home
-schooled like my cousins the pitsnoggles.

Although there's 23 of them, so it's just like going to a regular school.

Of course, the prom was creepy.


- Found what you're looking for?
- Nope.

Uh, here it is.

Mind if I borrow this? Ebony sheen? Well, yeah, for when it gets humid outside
-
- my
-
- my hair
-
- whoo! Look, if there's something you want to know about me, just ask.

Are you in the witness protection program? No, but my mom's a cop and my dad's a judge.

Touch my stuff again and I'll get you arrested and locked up with one phone call.

Gotcha.

Oh look, a ping
-pong table.

Want to play? Sure.


- Here you go.


- That's okay.

I've got "king
-pong.

" Wow.

That's almost as cool as your custom
-made pancake
-flipper
-
- "count spatula.

" Let's play.


- Nice sh*t.


- Ah, yeah.

It's all in the wrist.

I could
-
- I could slow it down
- if you want me to.


- Oh no.

Don't go easy on me.

And I won't go easy on you.

Don't tell me.

You also swatted flies with ping
-pong paddles.

( Laughs ) No.

Locusts.

( Phone ringing ) Hello.

Oh hey, Addison.

Oh nothing, just playing a game of ping
-pong with Cody.

Addison says "hi.

" Hey! Hey, if you want to take a break, it's okay with me.

I don't need a break! I wish that wasn't hot tea! Wow, London.

You're really into this game.

No.

I'm just testing my earrings for dangliness.


- ( Giggles )
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! Did you drop another fish down your shorts? Yes, but that's not why I'm here.


- I know who Zack's roommate really is.


- ( London gasps )
- Who?
- Marcus little is grammy
-winning recording sensation li'l little.


- ( All gasp )
- I loved him.

I slept on him every night.

Huh? Oh, I had his sheets.

Are you sure? Pretty sure, though they could've been Gary Coleman.

They were pretty faded.

Mama bought 'em at a swap meet.

I was talking to Woody.


- I found him on the Internet.


- ( Keys tapping ) Check it out.

Recognize anybody? Zack: I knew I'd seen him before.

We used to eat his tv dinners.

Li'l little vittles.

I can't believe I didn't recognize him.

Well, maybe because li'l little isn't so little anymore.


- You guessed it.


- ( Gasps ) And that's why my record label dumped me.

So now you know who I am.

Happy? Wow! A rock star and in the Witness Protection program! He's led a full life! ( Laughs ) Hey, Marcus, I know you're upset, but it doesn't mean you have to leave.

Oh, I'm not.

These are your clothes.

You know what? What's so wrong with everyone knowing you're li'l little? I just wanted to start out fresh.

Once people figure out who I am, they start asking for favors and all sorts of other stuff
-
- autographs, pictures, tickets to concerts.


- Can you get me in to see Beyonce?
- You mean b?
- Yeah.


- No.

No, you know what? I get it.

You're tired of having people ask you how cool it was to be a rock star.

Exactly.

So how cool was it? It wasn't all perks, believe me.

It was hard work, late nights, long road trips, then waking up and doing it all over again the next morning.

So it wasn't fun having all those girls throw themselves at you? Well now, that part was fun.

And it wasn't great making all that money? No, the money was good too.

So I'm having a little trouble seeing the downside here.

The downside is I never got to be a kid and hang out with other kids.

Well, Marcus Heaven's light has shined upon you once again For it has brought you to me.

Okay, now I'm not seeing the upside.

We are going to have in one day, starting now.


- Put on your diapers.


- What's fun about that? When you jump in the pool, they puff up.

Okay, Cody, I am tired of all these silly games.

Me too.

That's why I've entered us in a serious competition.

All right, boys and girls, time for a little Simon says.

What's next, "duck duck goose"? You'd like that, wouldn't you, farm girl?
- London.


- Who's Simon?
- I am.


- But I thought you were moseby.

No, I'm his twin brother Simon.

Wait, so if you say to do something, am I supposed to do it? Look, if Simon says it, you do it.

If not, you don't.

What is this, chess? It's so complicated.


- Let's do this!
- Okay.

Simon says raise your hands.

Now put them down.

Oh, London, you're out.


- But wait, Simon said it.


- No he didn't.

But he's Simon and he told me to put my hands down.

Ah, but I didn't say "Simon says put your hands down.

" Ah, see? Well, I don't see because Simon didn't say "see," see?
- London, go to your room.


- But you didn't say
-
- Simon says go to your room!
- No, not you!
- Oh, you're just as cranky as your brother.

( Shouting, muttering ) Howard was a wonderful grandfather and father and husband.


- ( Horn beeping )
- As an avid sailor, he wanted nothing more
- than to spend eternity
- Boy: Gangway! ( Screams ) On the shuffleboard court.


- Coming through!
- Moseby: What are you boys, five?!
- Boys: Yes!
- Just stop!
- You didn't say "Simon says"!
- Oh! That's it! The game is over.


- Clear the deck!
- All: Aw.

He didn't say "Simon says.

" I win! But
-
- yeah but
-
- ( screams ) Z
-dog to woodchuck.

Do you have eyes on the target? Negatory.

Wait! Wait wait wait!
- The target is approaching.


- And then our next stop is either transylvania or Pennsylvania.

Which one has vampires? Wait wait wait wait wait.

Why are we throwing water balloons at one of the hottest girls on the boat? Because when you're nine years old, girls have cooties.

I don't care if that cutie's got a cootie.

Fire at will! You're right.

I'd better go get the garlic.

Oh! Wrong target abort! Abort! ( Screams ) Woody!
- Hi.


- Run!
- What about Woody?
- Collateral damage.

What ever happened to "no man left behind"?! Well, we're 12 now and it's all about sports.

When do I get to care about girls? We're actually doing this to impress girls.

We just don't know that yet.

So, let's play a little three on three.

Oh!
- Yes!
- Hey, London, I love the spangles.


- Oh, thank you.


- Marcus! Snap out of it.

We're not into girls till after dinner.

Hey, I mature fast and I'm guarding London.

I'll take Bailey.

All right, then the teams are me, London and Cody against Marcus, Bailey and Woody.

All right, a little help, a little help, a little help
-
- okay, yeah, let's go.


- All right, London.


- London: Huh?
- Take the ball out and pass it to me.


- Okay.

I'm open right here.

Come on, London!
- ( Giggling )
- London, why did you pass it to him?
- He's on the other team.


- He thinks I'm cute.

Yes, I do.

Give me the rock! I've got a mismatch! The only thing you're going to miss is the basket.

( Grunts ) You just got posterized, son! All right, Cody, pick up what's left of your pride and let's get that one back.

You just got lucky.

This time, I'm gonna take you to the hole.

I think I got most of you, Howard.

( Grunts ) Can we have Howard on our team instead of Cody? Marcus: Wow, Zack.

Who knew practical jokes could be this much fun? ( Laughing ) ( Sighs ) Hey, what do you think will happen when the girls do the sit and splash? They'll dry off and look for who did it.

Ooh, we should really get rid of this evidence.

Where should we put it? Both: Cody's room.

Woody: Ow! Who did that?
- Woody!
- Huh?
- Girls: Get him!
- ( Woody screaming ) ( Laughing ) Let's go.


- Whoo!
- Man, these last few years have been the best day of my life.

Really? Better than when you won a grammy? Okay, second best.

And you will be happy to know that now we're 15 and we're into girls.

Finally.

By the way, Tiffany
-
- my true love Of the week
-
- would go crazy over an autograph from li'l little.

Oh.

Yeah, she's a big fan and she will love it.

And more importantly, she'll love me.

Uh
-huh.

I got this little puppy off the Internet.

Sign it "big big hugs from li'l little.

" ( Laughs ) It's clever, huh? I should've known better.

Known what? The only reason you hung out with me today was so you could use me just like everyone else.


- That's not true.


- Oh yeah? So you don't care if I don't give you the autograph? Absolutely not.

Good.

Why not?! You just don't get it, do you?
- Get what?
- This was my whole life.

"Little, I know you're eating, but please, can you just sign this picture?" "Little, I know we're in church, but please, could you just sing that song?" "Little, I know you just broke your leg on a skiing trip, but please, could you just bust that move?" People always want something.

You know what? You were much cooler when you were seven! ( Gasps ) Wow, you spend and you think you know him! Evening, Marcus.

A penny for your thoughts.


- I think I'm standing on Howard.


- ( Groans ) Sorry, Howard.

Well, you seemed to be having a wonderful time today.

I knew you would enjoy being on this ship.

Next port, I want off.

What did Zack do? He wanted me to give him an autograph for some girl.

That's it? None of you get this.

He was using me.

Zack uses everybody! Yeah, well, that's all I ever got when I was li'l little.

And that's what I came out here to get away from.

I can't believe he pretended to be my friend.

O
-
- okay, all right.

Look, Marcus, I know that Zack has some faults
-
- a lot of faults, more than there are stars in the heavens On a crystal clear night from the highest point
-
- speaking of point, can we get to yours? Yes, my point is Zack wouldn't steal toilet seats with just anyone.

You know we did that? I do now.

You are good.

Look, Marcus, I know this must be a difficult transition for you,
- but you have to realize
-
-
- oh no, it's easy being a has
-been at 15.

You're not a has
-been.

You are a yet
-to
-be.


- You think?
- I know.

Just because your career as li'l little is over for you, it doesn't mean it's over for your fans.

I mean, you can't really blame them for wanting your autograph.

You're one of them, aren't you? Yes, I am! Oh boy! I just loved your song "retainer baby.

" I do it to the treadmill every morning.

I do "boop
-boop
-boop"! And then I walk retainer baby! Hey, baby, retainer baby! I require that wire! Say li'l little! Say li'l little! Say li'l little! And then you do the little
-
-
- okay okay.


- Say "li'l little"! Okay okay okay.


- Uh, if I give you an autograph, will you stop?
- Oh yes yes yes yes.

If you could just sign it to Marion.

Is that your mother? Why, yes.

Yes, it is.

Okay.

Hey, Tiffany! I got something for you.

You see? Li'l little signed it just like I promised.

That's not how he spells his name.

And I recognize your handwriting from tutweiller's gallery of fake doctor's notes.

By the way, you can't donate a brain and live.

Okay okay, I can explain.

( Stammers ) I
-
- I
-
- I wanted to sign it in person for my buddy Zack.

( Murmurs ) ( Gasping ) Hey, thanks, buddy.

Aw, don't mention it.

Well, I'd better get out of here, that way when she wakes up, she'll settle for you.

Marcus, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

I might also need a signed c.

D.

You got it.

I'm gonna throw in a lunchbox too.

Here, I thought you could use an ice pack.

Thanks.

I can't believe I couldn't b*at you at anything.

I'm really sorry you hurt your arm.

It's not your fault.

I was the one who kept trying to b*at you at something.

Like it would prove my manliness.

You did win the most important thing.

In what world is a participant ribbon for "Simon says" the most important thing? I was talking about my heart.

Oh.

That is good.


- Ow
-
- ow
-
- ow ow ow!
- Sorry.

Yeah, that
-
- that hurts.

So, no more competition? Agreed.

Race you to the juice bar!