02x12 - The Beauty and the Fleeced

[bunniefuu]

( Theme music playing ) That one's cute.

Yeah yeah, she is.

Eh, but check out her suitcase
-
- luggage locks, that means she's suspicious and cautious.

I'm looking for naive and vulnerable.

There's so much to learn from you! Now focus.

These girls are only here for a week.

Oooh, okay okay.

How about that one? Cute, blonde, nice legs
-
- and carrying a textbook: Repressed bookworm badly in need of a good time.

That's Cody! Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! The miss tipton beauty pageant.

This might be my greatest idea yet.

And I invented hoagie on a rope! Yeah! The "mealdallion" was inspired.

And this is gonna be even better.

See, all the girls will send in a photo and an application, making it easy to weed out the ones not worth pursuing.

Then we just cancel the whole thing and they'll never even know we were involved.

Come on! There's no girl on earth dumb enough to fall for this.

( Squeals ) A beauty pageant! And I'm beautiful! The miss tipton pageant? Is that even a real thing? ( Zack sputters ) Of course it's real! I mean, if it wasn't, would we have a celebrity judge? A celebrity? Who? Yeah, who? Little little.


- Marcus?
- Yeah.

You know, little little? Pretender, baby! Pretender, baby! I'm a playa! I'm a playa! I can explain.

You started a fake beauty pageant to meet girls and told them I'm judging to make it seem legit? Okay, you can explain.

All right, I'm in.

You are? Just like that? Yeah, it's a chance to meet cute girls.

And I assume you'll provide the perks I always get for a personal appearance.

I think we can do that.

Great.

I'll have my people fax over the list.

Uh, you don't have any people anymore.

You're my people.

Go fax Yourself.

Excuse me! I don't understand question number four.

"What is your 'ick'?" ( Chuckles ) That's "I.

Q.

" Ooooh! This is gonna be awesome! ( Toy oinking ) ( Toy baas ) ( Various animal noises )
- Hey, London.


- Hi.

Why are you packing up my things? Oh, I need to make a tiara shelf.

I'm gonna win the miss tipton beauty pageant.

Then I'll go on to miss America and then miss universe.

And that one should be easy because aliens are ugly! But that's my shelf.

What do you need a tiara shelf for? You enter a beauty contest, the only thing they'll put on your head is a paper bag.

Well, I guess there's no danger of you winning miss congeniality! Bailey, come quick.

There's some eukaryotic algae blooming off the portside
-
- it's bilaterally symmetric.

I have something a little more exciting than plankton.

I seriously doubt it.

I am entering The miss tipton beauty pageant.

Ahhh! And to protest, you're going to undermine the entire event by wearing an ugly dress and avoiding all the trappings of conventional female beauty?
- Excuse me?
- Because that certainly is not going to work with that super cute dress and your effortless good looks.

I love you.

Look, I'm just sick of London always putting me down.

If I b*at her, she won't have a leg to stand on.

I thought you'd find beauty pageants sexist and demeaning to women.

Pageants are about more than beauty.

You can win scholarships.

Plus they judge you on talent, poise, personality
-
- oh, I know.

I've been in a beauty pageant before.

You mean like for men? Y
-y
-yy
-
- no.

Hey, don't judge me.

When I met you, you were a dude.

Do you really think I can b*at London? With my help, absolutely.

Now let's see your walk.

( Scoffs ) You want to see me walk? I'm pretty sure I've got this part down.

Okay, no, we're trying to win a pageant, not an audition for "march of the penguins.

" Now let's see it with your pageant shoes.

I do not walk like a penguin! Please.

Any minute now I expect to see you sliding down a glacier on your belly.

Will you look? I'm taller than you! Just like last semester.

Just walk.

Bam! You're eliminated.

You have to own your shoes.

( Laughs ) Except when you're bowling, right? Then you can rent your shoes.

Okay, less joking, more walking.

Now heel, toe.

Heel, toe.

More smiling.

Dazzle me.

Yikes! First the penguin, now the joker
-
- someone should call Batman.

Zack: Take it easy, Capri.

I can't believe they canceled the beauty pageant! I know.

Darn them.


- And you so would have won.


- Really?
- Mm
-hmm.


- You think?
- Mm
-hmm.


- I had my victory wave all ready.

Wow, what a wave.

How about we go get some dinner? I've got some cash burning a hole in my pocket.

Your money's on fire?! I love you.

There is an art to folding the pocket hanky.

Now do exactly what I do.

Gently caress the hanky, as though caring for a wounded dove.

Then in one fluid motion you snap his neck! Creating the ultimate in elegant haberdashery.


- ( Elevator dings )
- Moseby, I am not in a good mood! And I am holding a class! You will be holding a sign that says "will manage for food"! ( Gasps ) Now now, whatever it is you're upset about, I'm sure we can fix.

How dare you cancel the beauty pageant.

Beauty pageant?! No no no no.

There's no beauty pageant.

Then why did every pretty girl on the ship hand in an application form with their name, photo and what they like in a guy? Zack! ( Growls ) ( Growls ) What the heck is this? I said a magenta hat.

This is cranberry.

Are you trying to make me look like a chump? You are such a diva.

You know, other divas look at you and say, "wow, what a diva.

" Well, his diva days are over.


- The pageant is canceled.


- ( Clears throat ) Or so I hear.

I don't really keep up on events I had nothing to do with.

Oh ho ho ho.

Don't even try it! I know everything.

Oh yeah? What number am I thinking of? Pizza.

Wow! A fake beauty pageant? This is a new low even for you, Zack! Is that what these two hooligans have been up to? Yeah, nice try, "Mr.

celebrity judge.

" And to think I mistook you for stylish and jaunty.

Jaunty! Mr.

moseby, chill.

We've seen the error of our ways and that's why we put this whole incident behind us and canceled the whole thing.

It's too late.

Now I have a bunch of disappointed girls
- on my hands.


- Oh, come on, it can't be the first time.

I'm talking about the contestants from your pageant
-
- which, by the way, I'm uncanceling.


- All: Really?
- Mm
-hmm.

And the three of you will be the judges of those girls.

All: Really? Let's not get too excited, because you will be responsible for setup, clean up and, if the girls get nervous, throw up.


- All: Really?
- Mm
-hmm.

And to be impartial, there will be absolutely no contact of any kind with any of the girls before, during or after the pageant.

Really? Really.

All right, now that the pageant's back on, we have to make up for lost time.

Let's have a look
-see.

Gown is perfect.

Hair's a little high.

Just don't stand under any ceiling fans.

I feel silly.

And this petroleum jelly on my teeth tastes gross.

But it makes it impossible to stop smiling.

And you have such a beautiful smile.


- Really?
- Yeah, and good thing too.

It helps draw the eye away from your poor posture.

I do not have poor posture.

Oh please.

You look like you should be ringing a bell at notre dame.

Aha.

All right, perfect.

Let's talk talent.

Got it covered.

I'm going to be singing a song that I wrote.

Uh
-huh.

Uh
-hah.


- You know what would go really well with this?
- What? A sash that says "loser.

" Everyone's going to sing.

It's so common.

You need to do something that no other girl would ever think of doing.

You mean like be your girlfriend? Oh, well, then I guess I just won't be your coach anymore.

Good, fine.

I'll win this pageant without you.


- You'll see!
- I won't see 'cause I'm not going.

I really wish I could stop smiling.

( Whimpers ) Marcus, you can straighten up now.

I wish I could! I've got a knot in my back the size of a Guinea pig.

Ow! Okay, you know, I told you guys I can't sew! I mean, there's more blood on those sashes than there is in my body.

Hi, Zack.

I hear you're judging the pageant.

I would be so grateful if I won.

Good to know.

( Voice breaks ) I'm ready to vote.

No fraternizing with the contestants.

I wasn't going to fraternize until the third date.

This stinks.

I haven't talked to a girl in a month.

We've only been working the pageant for two days.

Yeah, what's your point? ( Applause ) Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the first annual miss tipton pageant.

Now put your hands together and let's meet our lovely contestants.

Oh, they must be the most beautiful girls on the cruise and they're lined up for you all to peruse and they're here for a very good reason We have discount travel off
-season.

( Laughter ) Now the dresses they wear are so chic they're for sale in the cruise ship's boutique Two for $99.

50.

Our full
-service spa is first rate If you'd like to make a reservation, just dial 8.

Boop.

The most beautiful girls on the cruise
-
-uuuisssse.

( Scats ) Quit shoving.

This is a beauty pageant, not a cow
-tipping contest.

Hey, when I see 'em, I tip 'em.

Winner of the evening gown competition Obviously Capri.

Are you crazy? London's dress is made of silk interwoven with 200 carats of rare pink diamonds.

Plus she called me her little boo boo.

And thus by balancing classic keynesian economics with the best of malthusian theory, we can decrease third
-world debt while increasing our gross domestic product.

Boring! I love puppies! Okay, London, if you could have any historical figure for dinner, who would it be and why? Good question.

But I would not have anyone for dinner, because I feel that eating people is wrong.

Even if they are historical and already dead, it just seems gross.

Okay It's not exactly the answer we were looking for.

Oh, fine! Santa claus.

I bet he tastes like candy canes and pudding.

( Cheers ) London, whoo! Moseby: Now let's continue the talent portion of our competition.

Ah, Capri's up next.

I bet her talent's hot.

Four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new nation, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created Go Lincoln! Zack: Whoo, yeah! Where's John wilkes booth when you need him? Thank you, Capri Davis.

Okay.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, our second of our three finalists, miss London tipton.

Whoo! Hi, my talent Is shopping.

I can order up anything and have it show up in seconds.

What color boots should I buy, m.

C.

Moseby? Oh, uh, pink with red hearts.

( Beeps ) Pink boots with red hearts, please.

Oh, London, I really don't think that the
-
- ( jet plane roaring ) That girl has mad shopping skills.

Come on, let's hear it for her.

Whoo! Whoo, London! Now please welcome Bailey pickett.

Hi, y'all.

For my talent, I'm gonna sing a little song I wrote.

( Music playing ) I was born on a farm while my mom milked the cattle a jug full of corn was my first baby rattle I could ride a tractor before I could ride a bike my very first date took me to the theater that boy's biggest dream was to grow the best 'tater but I wanted to be much more than a farmhand's wife so I packed up my bag and I headed for the water they all waved goodbye to their little farmer's daughter I was setting sail for the best time of my life now I'm picking apples at the sistine chapel bailing hay on the champs
-elysees I'm a country girl in every country of the world now I'm shucking corn where Shakespeare was born I'm eating grits at the great pyramids I'm a country girl in every country of the world I'm just a country girl in every country of the world.

Well, I think we have an obvious winner.


- Capri.


- London.


- Bailey.

No, that doesn't work at all.

That's ridiculous.

Oh, zip zip zip zip! What is going on? Have you picked a winner?
- No, we're deadlocked.


- Plus we can't agree.

Ladies and gentlemen, it appears that we have
- a three
-way tie.


- ( Gasps ) So we will select a winner by your applause, okay? Come on up, ladies.

Here we go.

Okay, all right.

Now let's hear it for Capri.

Whoo! The beard was a nice touch.

Next up, London!
- Whoo, London, whoo!
- ( Audience silent ) Drop $10,000 in cash.

( Jet passing overhead ) Very subtle, London.

Hey hey! Are you guys going to vote for a girl who bribed you with money? All: Yeah! Now that you've got your money, you can vote for the most brilliant, the most beautiful and the most talented contestant.

Oh, thank you, Cody.


- I was talking about Bailey.


- ( London gasps ) ( Cheering, applause ) Bailey, Bailey, Bailey, Bailey, Bailey.

There you have it.

The new miss tipton is Bailey pickett.

What? Oh, this is an outrage!
- Boys, arm the bombs.


- Oh! Belay that order! You were amazing, Bailey.

I guess you were right.

You didn't need my coaching after all.

No, I just needed to believe in myself.

But it sure helped that you came to support me.

( Jet roaring overhead ) What? Really, London? I shop when I'm depressed.

Got anything in a 38
-short? Oh, thank you.

Well, boys, I think your pageant turned out rather well, even if it did start out as a depraved scam to meet girls.

A scam?! So you faked this whole thing just so you guys could check us out? Sure, now she gets smart.

Oh, come on! We didn't even have a swimsuit competition.

You know what? You're right.

Maybe we should have one now.


- Yeah!
- All right! I can't believe they're making us do this! It's like we're pieces of meat.

Yeah? Well, I'm gonna strut my ham hocks and show them some a
-1 prime rib right here! ( Cheering ) Yeah yeah
-
- ohh, ow! Just pulled my rump roast.