02x23 - Rock the Kasbah

[bunniefuu]

Okay, class, today we will be visiting the ancient tomb of xaria.

I've read that tourists at the tomb can participate in a real archeological excavation.

I haven't been this excited about digging stuff up since our home got swallowed up in the mudslide of aught
-four, which followed the flood of aught
-three and the locust swarm of aught
-two.

You know what? You ought to move.

Now I assume you all did your reading and prepared for today's dig, she said doubtfully.

Well, I didn't do the reading, but I'm prepared.

I brought my own pail and shovel.

Wow, what do you use for a microscope
-
- something so old it was designed by antonie van leeuwenhoek? Good one.

Ouch.

You know, I've heard better trash talk from mimes.

( Theme music playing ) oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- this boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- rocking the whole world round and we're living the suite life now hey ho! Oh ay oh let's go! Man, that bus ride up the Mountain was awesome.

I can't believe how narrow that road was.

I was so sure we were gonna fall off the side to a fiery death.

Didn't you think so, miss tutweiller? Stop the bus! We're gonna die! Miss tutweiller, snap out of it.

We're off the bus.

Why can't I breathe? Because we're at 12,000'.

But it's okay.

Relax.

( Breathing deeply ) Welcome.

I am Luis, your guide.

And you are? Single.

Um, Emma tutweiller.

And this is my class from seven seas high.

Excuse me, Luis, I have a question.

Is it about our beautiful architecture or the legends of our kings and queens? Maybe you are curious about the sacrifices that were rumored to have taken place on this very spot.

I just want to know where the bathroom is.

Otherwise the sacrifice is gonna be the second worst thing to happen on this very spot.

The bathroom is over there.

But you'll need this.

Is there a key on this? No, the door is open.

That's for the spiders.

Do I need a stick this big to k*ll spiders? Oh, no, that's not going to k*ll them.

It just knocks them out long enough for you to go.

Okay.

So, kids and lovely teacher.

( Laughs, snorts ) Today I will take you on a journey to the past.

Oh, goody.

Okay, I want to go back to this morning when I was on a luxury cruise ship and not on a big pile of dirt.

Still here.

This dirt happens to contain many important artifacts from my country's history, including the burial ground of princess xaria.

Ooh, I'm gonna go to the gift shop to see if this comes in a bobblehead.

And I will now tell you the story of princess xaria's fabled crown.

It was crafted for the princess by Her high priest, but sadly, she never got the chance to wear it before she perished.


- Yes, and
-
-
- it was buried with her, but when the tomb was discovered, it was missing, leading archeologists to conclude it was stolen by grave robbers.

Yeah, you get used to it.

Well, Luis, I have my own personal theory.

And here we go.

After extensive research, I believe the crown was never discovered because the archeologists were looking in the wrong place.

I submit to you, Luis, that there is a secret antechamber untouched for centuries and yet to be discovered.

Say queso.

I should probably apologize in advance for Well, everybody.

Who dares defile my tomb? ( Screams ) Don't melt my face.

Very funny.

That's why I'm laughing.

Guess what
-
- I think I'm close to finding the crown of xaria.

Wow.

I wish I cared.

You should care.

You know what's gonna happen when I find the crown? You're going to buy a pair of matching earrings.

Tee
-hee
-hee.

I will be hailed as one of the greatest archeologists of all time.

I'll be on the cover of "tomb digest.

" Ooh, that magazine is read by tens of people.

I don't even know why I'm talking to you.

Your biggest dream in life is to eat an entire pizza in two bites.

That and getting paid for sleeping and burping.

Why aren't you with everyone else? Well, I was on my way to the bathroom when I saw Marcus trying to whack a spider with a stick.

I left when the spider picked up the stick and started to whack Marcus.

Luis: It's a known fact that princess xaria Bailey: Was the most ruthless leader of her time.

Hide.

We're not supposed to be away from the group.

She sent thousands of her subjects to their doom.

True, but one thing you do not know is that She also had a pet Jaguar named squeaky.

Does she have an off button? Sadly, no.

Oh, I can get her to be quiet.

You got another one of those big spider
-whacking sticks? Sadly, no.

Whew.

Okay, dude, keep a lookout.

I really gotta go.

Not right here.

I'm sure we're right above the antechamber.

Yeah, well, I have to empty my chamber.

And here we are, boys and girls, back at the burial site and final resting place of xaria.

Enough already.

When are we gonna get to the spa and shopping court of xaria? ( Laughs weakly ) Legend has it that princess xaria
-
- shh.

My turn.


-
-Princess xaria swore to once again rise.

Her spirit will not rest until she is wearing her beloved crown.


- Knew that.


- Heard you.


- Whatever.


- Whatever.

If I'm reading these hieroglyphics correctly, the crown of xaria should be hidden within an object that can only be opened with the "waters of mankind.

" What does that mean? Dude, I tinkled on that big stone back there and a door opened up.

Look what I found inside.

The crown of xaria.

We actually found the crown of xaria.

What do you mean "we"? It's because of my wee that I found it.

And we're walking.

And we're walking.

Right behind this ancient carving of the great deity quetzalcoatl is where we keep the controls to the sprinklers.

Now we will climb to the ancient astronomical observatory at the top of the tomb of xaria.

Is there an escalator of xaria? You know, princess xaria
-
- can I call you xar? I've heard all these stories about you being cruel and vicious, but you just look like a regular gal to me.

Although you're not the prettiest flower in the garden, are you? Look at me.

I'm the king of the jungle.

More like the Duke of the dimwits.

Now will you take that off? What? I can't hear you over all the humming.

What humming? The crown
-
- it's making some kind of weird noise.

And it's vibrating.

Is that supposed to happen? Will you quit goofing around? All I'm saying is it tickles.

( Giggling ) ( Giggling ) Cody, Zack, where are you guys? Bailey, come on.

You're gonna miss the hike to the top of the temple.

( Deep voice ) Do not vex me, peasant, or I will rip your heart out.

Well, it's nothing my last boyfriend didn't do to me.

I have to say the hardest part was figuring out "the waters of mankind" riddle but, you know, I put the old coconut into overdrive and the answer seemed to just flow out of me.

You can say that again.

Zack, can I talk to you for a second? Please excuse me, ladies.

I have to talk to my far less interesting brother.

Okay, go fast.

They love me.

I can't believe you.

I spent a year translating ancient hieroglyphics, read hundreds of archeological studies, and now you're taking credit for all my work? What do you have to say for yourself? What do you call that thing that hangs in the back of your throat? Because when you yell like that it kind of flaps around.

Zack, are you listening to a word I'm saying? It's called a uvula.

Zack, Luis said he contacted the local media and they're sending someone to interview you.

But, miss tutweiller, I was the one
-
- plus Luis asked me to dinner.

This is the best thing that's ever happened to me! Is that sad? You know what? Don't answer that.

Just let me enjoy my happiness.

( Phone rings ) Schmello? It's that science magazine you were talking about.

"Tomb digest"? Yes, this is Zack Martin, the famous archemolologist.

( Whispers ) I need to take this.

Bailey, what are you doing touching my jewelry? ( Deep voice ) Silence, worm.

Whoa, do you have a cold or something? I am not interested in your poorly
-crafted trinkets.

Poorly crafted? This from the girl who has earrings that are dried corn niblets on a string.

I must have my crown.

It was forged in the fires of mount zool, using the finest gold and precious jewels.

Plus, I wore it to prom, so it has sentimental value.

Wait, you mean that thing Zack found? Zack? Who be this Zack? Zack be the brother of the guy you date.

Where will I find him? I don't know.

Try the juice bar.

You have been of help.

I will spare your life.

This is Isabel Cruz, reporting from the deck of the s.

S.

Tipton.

I am here with Zachary Martin, the young
-
- and handsome.

Whatever.


-
-Archaeologist who discovered the ancient crown of xaria.

So, Zack, was this your first big discovery? Actually, nay.

Last year I went on a harrowing search for the emerald monkey.

That's a toy he dug out of a box of marshmallow crunchy os, which was supposed to be mine because he got the stickers that came with the fruit rollies.

What was most difficult about discovering the crown? The years of research, the painstaking digging? I'd have to say fighting off the giant scorpions.

Do you believe that? Luckily, I always carry my trusty whip.

( Woman screams ) Sorry, ma'am.


- So, Zack
-
-
- wait.

Before we talk more about how great I am, there really is someone I should acknowledge
-
- the person who helped me make this historic discovery.

Cody, move aside, let the slushie guy through.

This is the guy that sold me the giant drink that made me need to release the "waters of mankind.

" Shout out, slushie dude.

Get over here, you big lug.

Come on.

All right.

Let's get a picture of the two of us near the juice bar.

Okay, and point.

Hey, Bailey.

That's a new look.

I see you hit the xaria gift shop too.

It pleases me more than the rags I awoke in.

Oh, you got, like, a cold or something? Your voice
-
- anyway, I'm just so steamed about this whole Zack thing.

Look at him over there taking credit for my work.

He basically stole the crown of xaria.


- How dare he?
- Exactly.

He will die a thousand painful deaths.

Thank you for your support, honey.

It really means a lot.

And after he's sacrificed on the altar of ixnay fufu, the lords of the underworld will carry his soul to the pit of despair.

( Whistles ) I was just gonna write a strongly
-worded letter to "tomb digest," but your way works too.

Zack, I think our viewers would like to see the crown before you hand it over to the museum in a ceremony hosted by our illustrious president, the American ambassador and Antonio banderas.

I should be the one meeting Antonio banderas.

No problem.

Luis.

( All gasp ) Stunning.

He sure is.

And he loves cats.

The crown does not belong to you.

Yeah, you tell him, baby.

Now you will feel my wrath.

Who are you? I am princess xaria.

I've awakened from my sleep of a thousand years to finally reclaim my crown.

Give me the crown, peasant.

No way.

Finders keepers.

Weird.

Do not mock me or I will have your head on a stick.

You don't even have a stick.

And she has a stick.

Get this.

This is going to be better than my story about the coconut that looked like Gloria estefan.

I need a bigger waiter.

So how's Zack's big interview going? It started out well, but now Bailey's trying to whack him with a pointy stick.


- Ooh, fun.


- Not fun.

Not fun.

Kids, kids, no running with sharp objects.

Wait a minute.

Legend says the princess swore to awaken again.

Maybe when we unearthed the crown, we released the spirit of princess xaria and it jumped into Bailey.

Wow, who knew that was true? I just thought we said that to suck in the tourists.

Less talking, more helping.

Bailey pickett, you stop this instant or I'll give you detention.

And I will cut off your limbs and feed them to my piranhas.

Well, I tried.

Anybody else want to take a sh*t? At last.

Does this crown make me look fat? No, you look fabulous.

Can you let me go now, please? No, you stole my crown and must be punished.

I will take you back to the sacrificial altar where you will be buried in an ant hill and eaten alive.

No no.

( Splash ) They went overboard.

Bailey or xaria or whoever you are, I'd just like to point out that I look much better with my flesh on.

Enough talk.

Your voice is like a sword in my brain.

Someone needs a hug.

I just hope Zack hasn't been eaten alive by ants.

So where are we going to dinner? Back.

There will be no rescue.

These hieroglyphics say that we need to put the crown on xaria's statue to appease her.

Either that or it's a recipe for fish tacos.

We have to try it.

We're going to cook? I thought we were going out.

Not the recipe, the crown.

Sorry, right.

Right.

It's the only way to restore Bailey's personality.

Bailey
-
- I am xaria, princess of the serpent people.

No, you're not.

You're Bailey pickett from kettlecorn, Kansas.

Your favorite food is chicken pot pie, and you like it when I tickle your left ear
- like this.


- ( Giggles ) How dare you touch me, dog? She really doesn't want to give that crown back.

Go go go go.

Bailey, if you're still in there, I miss you.

Please please, give me the crown.

Cody? ( Deep voice ) Quiet, sl*ve.

( Bailey's voice ) No, you be quiet, you spoiled brat.

( Deep voice ) Unhand me.

( Bailey's voice ) Never.

Give me the crown.

( Deep voice ) No, cease at once.

Whoa, a chick fight with only one chick.

( Bailey's voice ) Cody, get the crown.

( Deep voice ) How dare you give away my crown? ( Bailey's voice ) Don't you slap me.

( Bailey's voice ) Okay, I just can't win here.

No.

Cody, you saved me.

( Cheering and applauding ) The princess's spirit is once more safely entombed in the statue.

Good job, Cody.

I'm in the mood for Chinese.

So, Zack, where will your next adventure take you? My cabin.

I'm through with archemolology.

And you can tell your viewers, the living and the undead, that the only reason I found that crown is because Cody
-
- this guy right here
-
- knew where to look, okay? He did the research.

He translated the hieroglyphics.

So haunt him.

Thanks, Zack.

No problem.

I gotta go now because I literally have ants in my pants.

So did you fight off any scorpions? ( Laughs ) A couple.

Walk with me.

Ooh, shiny.

Come on, London.

You don't want to get left behind.

Quiet, peasant, and bow down to your princess.

Whatever, London, let's just go.

And you're going to love Mr.

whiskers.

He's my tabby, and quite the cut
-up.

Oh, and then there's lord wiggums.

He's a persian and finicky.

You know when I said I liked cats? I meant the musical.

Oh.

Miss tutweiller.

I'm on a date.

I know.

It's just no one's seen Marcus.


- Do you know where he is?
- I'm sure he's fine.


- But we're about to
-
-
- I said I'm on a date.

Just go and I'll give you an "a".

How about cash and a "b"? Done.

Hello! A little help.

Anybody out there? Did the bus leave? ( Screams ) Whoa, you are not itsy
-bitsy.