03x12 - Senior Ditch Day

[bunniefuu]

Miss Tutweiller, I'm texting Chelsea about your outfit.

How do you spell "hideous"? Never mind.

I'll just put "ick!" Oh, um, miss Tutweiller, how do you spell "ick"? Just sound it out! Meanwhile I hope you've all studied up on Argentina because tomorrow there will be a test.


- ( Groans )
- Really? Psych! Tomorrow is senior ditch day, so go have a blast.


- Yes!
- Sweet.

No, I don't want to dig a ditch! London, ditch day is when seniors cut class.

I cut class every day.

In fact, what am I even doing here? ( Bell rings ) Hey, cool, ditch day.

I'm totally gonna ditch.

Me too.

I love to ditch.

Oooh, look out.

Teacher's pets are going rogue.

What are you gonna do? Run up and down the hallways without a pass? With scissors? That is so incredibly dangerous.

Yeah, they shouldn't even joke about that.

Oh ay oh, oh ay oh come along with me and let's head out to see what this world has for you and for me now whichever way the wind blows
- we say
- Hey
-ho, let's go!
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking
- oh ay oh
- Ain't no stopping us now 'cause we're living the suite life
- oh ay oh
- This boat's rocking I can't believe we're going to the coolest beach club in south America.

Me, Woody Fink, of Cleveland, Ohio.

I couldn't even get into glee club.

It's so exclusive they say even the guy who started it can't get in.

This is going to be a ditch day we'll remember forever.

The three musketeers all for one and one for all.

Hey.

My motto is all for me and more for me.

Catchy.

Hey, check out all the beautiful babes, or as they call them here, babe
-os.

I have a girlfriend now Whose name I suddenly can't remember.

It's Maya.

And she told me if you stared at any pretty girls,
- to do this.


- Ow! I told her I'd stay with her, but she doesn't like people to see when she's sick.

I've never seen anyone hurl like that.

She barfed all over the shuffleboard court.

On the bright side, it landed on the 10.

Ha ha.


- Cody?
- Bailey.

I thought you were going to ditch.

I thought you were gonna ditch.

Pffft, I am ditching.

I decided to ditch ditch day.

Me too.

( Unison ) Good morning, miss Tutweiller.

What are you two doing here?
- Waiting for you.


- You're late.

Why are you dressed that way? Well, I was going to go to the pool.

It's senior ditch day, remember? It's not senior citizen's ditch day.

( Sarcastically ) Heh heh heh heh.

Miss Tutweiller, I have maintained a perfect school attendance since my first day of kindergarten.

Mine's perfect since preschool.

I skipped preschool.

They didn't think I needed it.

That helps explain the whole blankie obsession.

It's not an obsession! You were always jealous of my affection for blankie.


- I think it's weird that a
- You never cuddled
- Stop stop stop stop stop! Look, how about I just mark you both present for the day and nobody gets hurt? Uh, we'll get hurt.

We'll have lost a whole day of learning.

It's your responsibility as our teacher to actually teach us something.

I got a credential from a community college.

I didn't take an oath.

Oh, all right! Ugh, take out your History books and turn to chapter pfft 17.


- Ahem.


- Bailey? Aren't you gonna take attendance? Abernathy? Bueller? Bueller? ( Groans ) What do you mean I'm not on the list? Do you know who I am? Yeah, somebody who's not on the list.

Yeah, meanwhile he let in Madonna, Brangelina and even those vampire kids.

I can't believe the undead got in before me.

Are you talking about the vampire kids or Madonna? My cool quotient must have gone down because of that stupid sea school.

Don't worry, guys, we can have fun in line together.

100 bottles of soda on the wall, 100 bottles you know it, you know it.


- I don't sing in public.


- And I can't count backwards.

"Magnolia stood terrified on the deck as the swarthy pirate leapt over the ship's railing.

" ( Crunches ) Men: yo ho ho ho ho ho ho.

( southern accent ) Captain Hawk, I assure you my family will pay whatever ransom you desire for my safe return.

I'm sure they will, my little princes, but for now, you're mine! ( Squeals ) Never.

My father has promised me to another man.

Can that man hold you like this? No! And caress you like this? Oh yeah, that works.

And kiss you like this? Oh, come to mama! Bailey: Miss Tutweiller! Miss Tutweiller.

Miss Tutweiller.


- Miss Tutweiller!
- What
-tttt? I finished my art project.

Well, at least one of us got to finish.

I knitted a d.

N.

A.

Model using color
-coded yarn to coincide with the first letter of each amino acid.

Aqua for adenine, green for guanine, yeah, I get it.

Kinda.

Lame.

Check this out I made a model of the human brain using various types of pasta.

I call it encephalaroni.

Educational and, if you boil it for eight to 10 minutes, a lovely al dente dinner.

Guys, when I assigned you an art project, I was hoping you'd do something less academic and more creative.

Well, what's more creative than a brain you can eat? D.

N.

A.

You can snuggle with.

Wow, you guys are gonna be the life of the think t*nk.

Look, not everything is about school and grades and studying.

Exactly where did you get your teaching credentials? The university of none of your business!
- I bet she barely got in.


- Mm
-hmm.

Okay, that's it.

I'm giving you both an assignment.

You are to leave this classroom immediately and go have fun actual fun that an actual kid would actually have.


- But, miss Tutweiller
- This is social studies go be social.

You're getting graded on this! Woody: take one down, pass it around
-864 bottles of soda on the wall yes, we're almost in! Oh oh, pick me, pick me!
- You you.


- ( Squeals )
- Hey.


- Not you.

Hey! Gym class all over again.

It's okay, man.

He's cool.

I know he doesn't look it, but he's cool.


- You want in or not?
- See ya.

Oh, buddy, I wish there was something I could do.


- I'll be all right.


- Are you sure?
- You go ahead.


- Thanks, pal.

I can't believe he actually went ahead.

( Sobbing ) Hey, man, are you crying? No.

Got sand in my eye.

Both eyes.

Wow, this place is awesome.

( Laughs ) I do believe in relationships.

I do believe in relationships.

I do, I do, I do.

Oh ew! We need to get to the V.

I.

P.

Lounge.

At least there we'll get bumped into by a better class of people.


- Oh, excuse me, do you know where the
- ( Ice rattles ) Do you hear that sound? That is the sound of my drink being empty.

Fill it! Uh, I'm not a waiter.

( Gasps ) You mean you wear those clothes on purpose? Que lastima.

Oh my gosh, that's Valentina Sonabria.

Her daddy's the richest man in south America.

He could buy my daddy and sell him at a garage sale.

Hola, Valentina.

Do I know you? It's London.

Tipton.

London tipton.

Okay, once winter in Switzerland I was on the slopes adjusting my boot, and you skied right over me.

Vaguely I'm getting an image of a large pink bump.

Oh, you should have seen the larger red bump you left on my head.


- It was
- ( Laughing ) At least it took the eyes away from her hideous parka.


- That was an Arturo Vitali.


- Arturo Vitali's so over.


- ( Gasps )
- Where have you been? Stuck in the middle of the ocean? ( Tittering ) Stupid not
-cool sea school! I just found out Rafael Nadal is in the V.

I.

P.

room.


- Maya loves him.


- Who doesn't? He's the most gorgeousest tennis player ever.

He can serve me anytime.

Anyway, I want to get a deo of him saying "hi" for Maya.

Think you can ask your friend if she can get us in there? Oh, not gonna happen.

Valentina totally dissed me.

She was snobby, insulting and treated me like dirt.

Oh, so kinda the way you treat other people.

Exactly! "Magnolia tried not to notice the Captain's rippling muscles as she cleansed his wound.

" Men: yo ho ho ho ho ho ho.

Captain Hawk, I am so sorry you got wounded protecting my virtue.

This is what I do.

I plunder, then I protect.

So you're kind of a hyphenate of the high seas.


- Oh.


- Ahhh! Oh, how's that? If only that sponge could scrub away the sins of my tortured life.

Oh, well, I could scrub harder.


- Oh!
- Or you can kiss me.


- Bailey: Miss Tutweiller!
- Oh what?! Miss Tutweiller! Miss Tutweiller! What?
- Get to the good part yet?
- Oh! Oh sorry.

Wanna borrow my book? I'm reading "quadratic degeneracies in fractal equations.

" No thanks.

I'll just wait for the movie to come out.

Ladies.

Having fun?
- Absolutely.


- Please drown me.

Oooh, this is relaxing.

Jump in, Cody, unless, you know, you don't want to have fun.

I'm having grade
-a fun.

Oh yes, well, what's more fun than bathing with a bunch of filthy strangers like part of some human beef stew? Oh! Oh well.

More bacteria broth for us.

Uh, excuse me, good sir, you left your pus
-y bandage.

Okay, that's it.


- You're disgusting.


- Miss Tutweiller? Please note that Bailey seems to be failing fun 101, whereas I'm having extra fun.

Yeah? Let me help you.

Whee! Not the face.

Ugghhh! It's so gross I'm sending myself out to be dry
-cleaned.

You think I'm nuts? You're nuts! Copy that, Mr.

Boone.

Take the door real quick.

( Snaps ) Hello.

( British accent ) I am lord Pembleton.

So if you wouldn't mind I'm just gonna ( Gasps ) How dare you touch me! I am royalty! If my blood were any bluer, I'd be a smurf.

I'm on the list, now let me in.

( Groans ) I can't believe they won't let me in to the V.

I.

P.

lounge.

Even on the playground, I was always a V.

I.

T.

very important toddler.

Meanwhile, no Rafael Nadal.

But I got a great sh*t of shrimp wrapped in bacon.

I just hope the paparazzi don't get a sh*t of me stuck out here with these losers.

Hey, there's Diego Maradona drinking mate with lady gaga.

Oh, that's it.

We've gotta get in there.

Oh hey hey, Valentina, I got this.

Valentina! Do I know you? Hello, Switzerland, bump we've been over this.


- Can you please let us into the V.

I.

P.


- No! No no.

If we let people like you in, then it would not be the V.

I.

P.

lounge.

It would just be the "p" lounge.

Stop trying to confuse us with your fancy spelling.


- "P" lounge!
- Okay okay, forget it.

We're never gonna get in there without connections.

I demand more shrimp! And this time don't be so stingy with the cocktail sauce.

That's the elusive lord Pembleton? ( Gasps ) Grito! He's the richest man in England.

Is that Woody? Oh, that can't possibly be Woody.

( Gurgling ) Yep, that's Woody.

Miss Tutweiller, don't you think laser tag just perpetuates the mindless v*olence so prevalent in our society? No, I think it's fun.

And I am going to teach the two of you how to have fun if it is the last thing I ever do! Now lock and load.

I don't know, miss Tutweiller.

Lasers can be fun in a laboratory setting like when you're exciting an electron particle ha, that's the only thing he's ever excited.


- Game on!
- Oh! Now that's the spirit! But let's wait for the bell that officially starts the game.


- Ding!
- Ow.


- ( Bell rings )
- Oh okay.

Ow!
- Oh oh.


- Suckers! You know, she's a better sh*t than she is a teacher.

Zack: Woody, Woodster! Woodmeister.

Hey, lord Pembleton.

Pemby.

Pembalaya.

Pemblepuss.

Why is that peasant yelling at you? Oh, probably just one of my subjects.

They just worship me.

B.

R.

B, ladies.


- ( Titters )
- Oh, L.

O.

L.

Yes, I know, I know.

Woody, how did you get in there?! Shhh, I'm pretending to be a lord.


- Kiss my ring.


- You're not wearing a ring.

Then kiss my knuckle.

Mmm, tastes like bacon.

Look, lord of the pies, just get me in there.

Oh oh, and I need a video of Rafael Nadal saying hi for Maya.

( Hisses ) Oh, guys, this is so awkward! I wish there was something I could do,
- but
- Woodster! I can't believe you're treating us like this.

You mean like ditching you on senior ditch day? Yeah! Who does that? Think about it.

I got nothing.


- Aha ha!
- Hey, you have a cockroach on you.

Ew eew ew! Where where where? Right there!
- ( Groans )
- ( Thunks ) Ow! Ow ow ow! Bailey, Bailey, stop stop.

Please please stop.

Oooh, I think I fractured my ulna.

Oh my gosh, are you okay? Yeah, I am now! Hey, that's not fair! You cheated.

Aw, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna tell on me? No, actually I'm going to laser you into dust! Oh, don't hide behind the couch.

Ow ow ow ow ow! Ow ow ow.

Hey, look, miss Tutweiller.

I'm having fun.

I'm having more fun than he is.


- Fun fun fun.


- Fun fun fun.

Please stop and I will give you an "a.

" "A+"? Fine!
- Oooh.


- You know, this laser tag thing is pretty fun.

I know.

Now did you get your hits by correlating the velocity of the laser with the momentum of the target? Of course while factoring in the dimensions of the room and the movement of the ship.

Oh, I forgot about the movement of the ship! Know what I want to do now?
- Write a paper about this?
- Exactly!
- We could be co
-authors.


- Deal.

My name goes first.


- Uh, why would your name go first?
- Why shouldn't it?
- Because I'm smarter?
- ( Huffs )
- Oh, I give up.


- Ha! Nice balloon dress, lady gaga.

Is there a lord gaga? Because I'm available!
- Zack, what are you doing?
- Getting a sand burn on my knees.

Get out of here! I can't be seen talking to the likes of you.

I am royalty.

Look, Woody, I don't blame you for being mad.

I never should have ditched you.

But can you please help me get a video of Rafi for Maya, please?
- Sure.


- Throw them out.

Oh, Valentina! Oh okay, move move.

Oh, relax, Valentina.

I just knighted this guy, so he's cool.

But you are not.

The real lord Pembleton just arrived.

What? Oh, that schlub? He's an imposter.

He came in a golden carriage pulled by four white horses.

That that's a rental.

Stop! Stop! Let me go! I am so a V.

I.

P.

I'm lady Pembleton.

( Screams ) Don't take my wife, please! ( All groan ) Well, that was the most humiliating experience of my life.

Being tossed out of a club in front of the paparazzi? No, having people think I was married to you.

And after all of that, I still don't have a video of Rafi saying hi to Maya.

Ah yes, you do.

As we were being dragged out of the club, I kicked him in the butt and he said "aye!" Woodster you're the best! Thank you, buddy.

I never should have ditched you on ditch day.

Well, we're all together now.

All for one and one for all.


- The three musketeers.


- Uh, not gonna happen.

Come on, m'lady Pembleton.

Come on, you know you want a hug.

( Sighs ) Oh, all right.

How much lower can my cool quotient go? ( Cameras clicking ) No
-ooooo! "Magnolia's heart swelled with joy.

Her buccaneer bad boy was about to become her swashbuckling spouse.

" Men: yo ho ho ho ho ho ho.

I, Magnolia, take you, Captain Hawk, as my beloved husband.

Oh yeah.

About that.

Your family just paid the ransom.

So see ya! What? Are you breaking up with me? Kinda.

Oooh.

I am so getting half your stolen treasure! "They set the heartbroken Magnolia adrift in an endless sea of loneliness.

Legend has it on stormy nights you can still hear her pathetic weeping.

The end.

" The only romance novel in history where the heroine gets dumped!