03x15 - A London Carol

[bunniefuu]

Ho ho ho, Merry Christmas! Please donate to the needy children.

Thank you! Look, Bailey, our first donation.

Oh great.

Wow, you look really hot.

Thanks, Cody, but I don't think that's something
- you say to someone who's just a friend.


- Oh uh, no.

I mean literally hot.

You're sweating like Woody after going up a flight of stairs.

Well, we are in south America Where their December is as hot as our summer.

Not to mention when you flush the toilet, it swirls the opposite way.

This place is awesome.

Cody, Bailey, look, I found some more items to donate.

Oh, thank you, Mr.

Moseby.

You've already been so generous.

Ahh, I'm happy to pass on my good fortune.

Of course it is tough parting with my pocket hanky iron.


- Okay.


- Okay.


- Who on earth would want this?
- Is this the steam demon 9000? This is perfect for doing socks.

Regular irons are so unwieldy and it's hard to get a good crease at the heels.

I know, right? It's hard, you gotta get right in.

I'm wearing this outfit for the children! Tomorrow I get to be Santa and you're the elf.

Cody, they're your tights.

You wear them.

Ha.

For the last time, Bailey.

They're not tights.

They're compression pants for my spin class.

oh ay oh.

oh ay oh.

come along with me, and let's head out to see, what this world has, for you and for me now, whichever way the wind blows,
- # we say #
- # hey
-ho, let's go! #
- # oh ay oh.

#
- # this boat's rocking.

#
- # oh ay oh.

#
- # ain't no stopping us now, # 'cause we're living the suite life.


- # oh ay oh.

#
- # this boat's rocking.

#
- # oh ay oh.

#
- # rocking the whole world round, # ♪ and we're living the suite life now.

♪ hey ho! oh ay oh.

let's go! and here it is! It's coming.

You're gonna love this! Wait till you taste this.

All right, and we're blending.

We're blending.

Hurry up and blend.

There it is.

Now we're talking.

Who had the atomic acai?
- Right here.

Here here here.


- Oh dear.

Uh, okay, well, try not to backwash.

Try and ready.

I'll take one guava giggler.

One guava giggler Oh, Zack! You're late again! You were supposed to be here an hour ago.

I'm sorry.

My alarm didn't go off.

Maybe it's time to get a new alarm clock.

Naw, it works fine.

I just didn't set it.


- I think it's about time for my break.


- Okay, all right, Zack, that's it! Tomorrow morning your shift starts at At 6:00 A.

M.

! Hmm? And I'll be here to make sure you're here.

But, Moseby, tomorrow's Christmas! Speaking of which, shouldn't you be in your pointy shoes, helping Santa build toys? One more smart remark and you won't like where my pointy shoe ends up.

I love Christmas and getting presents, me me me me me m
-me me me.


- ho ho ho!
- Oh, Santa, you're early! Good thing I already set out the milk and gold bars.

London, we're not the real ow! Thank you, little girl.

I'll just take these and throw them right in the sleigh.


- Put it back, Cody.


- Yes, ma'am.

London, we're here collecting donations for the poor.

Ugh, Bailey, if you want to borrow my clothes, just ask! They're not for me.

They're for the poorest, most miserable hopeless members of society.

Still sounds like you.

Why don't you just give the orphans one of your gold bars? Those are for Santa! If the orphans brought me presents every year, maybe I'd give them a little something
-something.

There must be a little something
-something you can donate.

Okay, let's see what I can spare.

Hmm, nope! Too gorgeous.

Nope.

Too fabulous.

Nope.

Too sparkly! Oh here, take this one.

It's hideous.

This is mine.

Ew! Then what's it doing in my closet contaminating my clothes? That's my closet that you took over.

Sorry, guys.

I don't have anything for the orphans.

Isn't there anything you can give? Yes! Some advice.

You should really start doing some sit
-ups and I'd wax that upper lip if I were you.


- I'm wearing a fake beard.


- I know.

Hey, it's my favorite towel elf.


- I know what I want for Christmas.


- I can't afford a jet pack.

Plus the insurance on those things is astronomical.

No no no, I just want you to cover one shift for me at the juice bar.


- I can handle that.


- Great, tomorrow 6:00 A.

M.

feliz navidad.

Whoa whoa whoa, 6:00 A.

M.

?
- Not gonna happen.


- But
- What am I gonna do?
- Just set an alarm.

I do.

But every time I end up hitting snooze in my sleep.

Use the alarm as a neural trigger, telling your brain to pop out of bed refreshed and ready to face the day.

Now let's practice waking you up.

Lie down and pretend to go to sleep.

Wow, you are good at that.

Beep beep beep beep beep!
- Beep beep beep
- Ooh.

joy to London, my presents are coming, let me receive good things! Boop!
- London, get up!
- Santa? No, it's me, your mirror.

Not Santa.

Oh, you sleigh me.

It's a little Christmas humor.

I don't get it.

Well anyway, what are you doing here, mirror? It's time for you to reflect on the error of your ways.

Are you saying you don't like the extensions? Truthfully you're not fooling anyone.

Anyway, I'm here to take you on a little trip.

Come on, step into me.

Okay, I think you've been going a little heavy on the glass cleaner.

Trust me on this, sweetie.

Have I ever steered you wrong before? You did tell me I looked good wearing a scrunchy.

It was the '90s.

They were in.

Whatever.

I'm not stepping inside you.

Is that a pimple? Gasp! Where?
- Well, I don't see a pimple.


- Look closer.

Closer.

Oh how dare you trick I'm back at the Tipton hotel! Why is that adorable child in my suite? That's you when you were seven.

It was a real long time ago.

As the mirror of Christmas past, I've brought you back in time to show you how you used to be.

Oh, like I said adorable.

Oh, and look how cute I was when I was just a little hand mirror.

Mirror, how do I look? Stunning love the scrunchy.

They were in.

Come in.

No one can hear or see you but me.

We're merely here as passive observers, confined to an alternate plane of existence.


- Huh?
- No talking, just watching.

Oh.


- Merry Christmas, London!
- Merry Christmas, Moseby.


- I apologize for being late.

I was just introducing our staff to our new hotel engineer.

He's brilliant and his being here is going to make my life so much better.


- What's his name?
- Arwin Hauchauser.


-
- Oh.

It's snowing in my room for Christmas! Yay! Well, speaking of Christmas, your daddy sent you a very special present.


- Huh?
- A car! Yay! Clearly better than what I got Nothing.

Not even a Tipton mug.


- Help me get this bow off.


- Okay.

I remember this.

For my eighth birthday daddy sent me a little person chauffeur.

If he'd only remembered to put holes in the box.

I just love it.

It's got sparkle! Yes.

Okay, London, you can play with your car later.

Now it's time to head down to the homeless shelter so we can serve Christmas breakfast to the needy.

Of course.

I love helping people.

Is daddy going to meet us down there or are we all going together? Well unfortunately, dear, daddy's not going to make it home this Christmas.

Something came up.

Yeah, that something turned out to be Louise My third stepmom.

She only hugged me once, and that was to pick my pocket.

Daddy's missing Christmas? You know what? Let's head down to that shelter and we'll help the less fortunate.

That will always buck up your spirits.

My spirits are fine.

I just want to sit here and play with my toys.

Right, London yeow! So, London, do you understand why I brought you back here? Yeah, I do.

So I could see that funny foot thing again! Ha ha ha! Well, I'll just tell the people at the shelter that you weren't feeling well.

Yeah, whatever.

Whee! Wow, that was a weird dream.

Santa still hasn't come? Oh, his sleigh must be flying slow with all my presents weighing it down! diamond rings, diamond rings, diamond jewelry.

oh, what fun it is to have so many gifts for me, yay! a little pitchy, honey.

I'm not done with you yet.

Now that you've seen your past,
- I have to show you your Christmas present.


- Oh, Christmas present! I love Christmas presents! Open wide, I'm coming in!
- Ow.


- Oh, how graceful.

Are those gifts for me? Bailey, when you're done wrapping those, just drop them off at my cabin.

Just like last time, they can't hear you.

Oh, how I envy them.

Oops.

Keep laughing and I'll make you show up at 5:00 A.

M.

tomorrow.


- Mr.

Moseby, can we talk about this?
- No! And if you're not at the juice bar at 6:00 A.

M.

Tomorrow morning, you are fired.


- But that's not
- Zzzt! I was going to ask you what you wanted for Christmas,
- but now you're getting a zzzt!
- Oh.

By the way, what size zzzt are you?
- Oh
-hh.


- Uh
-hhhh.

Well, Bailey, I'm afraid we don't have enough gifts for all of the orphans.

Well, your mom sent you a tin of cookies.

Why don't you donate those? They're supposed to be gifts, not punishments.

Why don't you just ask London? I'm sure she has plenty to give.

We tried.

She wouldn't donate a single thing.

She's the most selfish girl I've ever met.

I thought she gave blood yesterday.

Yeah, mine.

I had no choice! The nurses wouldn't give me the cookies.

You know, London wasn't always like this.

Hmm, when she was little, we used to go down to the homeless shelter every Christmas and serve meals to the needy.

Really? London? Oh yes, and now all she cares about is herself.

I can't believe they're saying all those things about me.

Especially Moseby.

I am so not getting him a Christmas present this year.

What were you going to get him? Nothing.

But now he deserves it.

Oh, why won't these ornaments stay on? Oh look! A little squirrel.

Finally this dream is getting good.

London, I think you're missing the point of our trip.

Oh, shush up.

I think the squirrel is about to eat his eye.

Oh wow.

These dreams are even freakier than the one where daddy made me go to a stupid s school.

I need to get some fresh air.

Ready to go? You can't take me if you can't find me!
- Where'd she go?
- I'm right here!
- Gotcha.


- Aww.

Oh! Okay, you've taken me to the past, you've taken me to the present.

What else is there? Caution, objects in the mirror may be dumber than they appear.


- What was that?
- Nothing.


- You're coming with me to the future.


- Pfft! No, I'm not.

If you don't, I'll make you look fat in every outfit you try on in front of me.

Or should I say fatter? Oh no, you didn't! Ew! Who is that wrinkled old hag? That's you in 60 years.

Gray me! I really need to moisturize more.

Santa forgot me again? Bah humbug.

Nobody got me anything? What about Moseby? He never forgets to get me something.

At this point, honey, I'm afraid he's managing that big hotel in the sky.

There are floating hotels in the future? Yeah, that's what I meant.

Call Bailey.

Bailey? It's London.

London? If you're calling to tell me how hideous I look, it's not funny anymore.

Look, I can't talk right now.

I'm celebrating my 50th wedding anniversary with my husband.

What loser would marry Bailey? Come on, sweetie.

Let's finish our shuffleboard game before the arthritis flares up again.


- Come help me out of my chair.


- I'm coming.

Please wait.


- No, you need to help me up.


- Please wait.


- Okay ready?
- Here we go.

Here
- I'm very close.


- Never mind.


- I'm gonna sit.

Well, that answers that question.

Who are you talking to?
- Oh, it's London.


- Whom?
- It's London.


- You've got a bunion? No, turn up your hearing aid.


- It's London.


- Well, you don't have to shout about it.


- It's London.


- Tipton?
- Mm
-hmm.


- Hang up.

I'm sorry I didn't send you a Christmas gift, but after 60 years of not getting one back, I decided enough was enough.

Besides, stamps are up to $9.

You give her heck, honey.

Merry Christmas, London.

The nerve of that woman.

My blood is just boiling.

Well, that's because your hand is in a cup of tea.

Oh.

Hey, nerd, you seen Cody? I'm right here, Zack.

What do you want? I forgot.

I'm gonna go over there now.

I still don't understand why you wanted Zack to come on our anniversary trip.

It's because he lives on our couch.

And I wasn't about to leave him alone in the house again.

You remember that wild party he threw for his 75th birthday? Oh, I don't know what they were doing.

All I know is I found nine sets of dentures in our couch.

I'm so glad I have you.

I'm so glad I have you too.

I have nobody.

That's awful.

Am I really going to be that lonely, mirror? Mirror? Mirror? Mirror? Mirror! Mirror? Oh! No wrinkles, no wrinkles.

No wrinkles.


-
- Oh, mirror! Oh! My gifts from daddy.

Thank you.

Uh here's a little something for you.

Merry Christmas.

What the? Good morning, Mr.

Moseby, and Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, Zack.

See? It wasn't so hard to show up on time.

Wow, even in shorts, I'm still Schvitzing.

You wouldn't be so hot if you were wearing a pair of these moisture
-wicking compression pants.

Boy, I feel bad for whoever you're going to marry one day.

Yeah, that goes double for your chubby hubby.

Happy Santa face.

Happy Santa face.

Gather around, kids!
- It's time for presents.


- Grab your present.

Okay, now unfortunately you're going to have to share some of the presents because the elves didn't give themselves enough time
- to finish all the toys this year.


- Oh sure, blame the elves.


- If the tights fit
- Compression pants.

Ho ho ho! London Claus is here and I'm spreading Christmas cheer.

Oh my gosh.

London, what's going on? I sold all the jewelry daddy sent me and bought toys for the orphans.

After all, there is no "I" in Christmas.


- Actually there is one
- Shh! Don't interrupt a Christmas miracle.

London, I'm so proud of you.

What caused the change of heart? My talking mirror when he took me through a time warp.

Looks like London Claus has been eating some bad fruitcake.

No, I just learned that it's better to give than to receive.

And, you know, I really have to appreciate the people around me or one day they might not be there.

Oh, London, please tell me this isn't a squirrel
-bite
-rabies
-induced hallucination.

Nope, it's real.

And since you guys are always there for me, I got you all gifts! Now you're talking.


- Ooh, a Tipton coffee mug!
- A solid
-gold Tipton coffee mug.

Ugh.

Thank you.

And, Cody, I got you a first
-class ticket home to see your mom.

Oh, now I can see my mommy? This is the best gift ever.

You didn't get me the same thing, did you? Nope! I got you A jet pack! This is the best gift ever!
- And, Bailey.


- Mm
-hmm.

I got you the most special gift of all.

I'm giving you your closet back.

Ahhh!
- Wait wait wait, hold up.


- Huh?
- Moseby gets a solid
-gold mug
- Uh
-huh.

Cody gets first
-class airfare, Zack gets a ding danged jet pack.

And you give me back what's rightfully mine? You're welcome! Thank you.


- Merry Christmas, everyone.


- Merry Christmas! Especially you, tiny Moseby.

Merry Christmas, London.

Okay, come on, kids.

At least London made Christmas special for the orphans.

You know, you had a lot to do with that too, Bailey.

And you make a great
-looking Santa.

Thanks.

*** without you.

Well, Zack I guess in this Christmas crew, people can really change.

It's true.

Merry Christmas, Zack.


- Oh, come on.

Now it's Christmas.


- Allright.

Oh, come on.

Oh.

Good morning, Mr.

Moseby, and Merry Christmas.