02x24 - Nobody's Fu

[bunniefuu]

Oh, man.

Come on, Fu.
Don't do this to me.

(CALL TONE BEEPING)

FU: If I owe you dough,
you got the wrong number.

Otherwise, it's Fu.
You know what to do.

A-gu gu.

Fu, I can't believe
you're dogging patrol.

Again.

(SQUEAKING)

There's a sewer rite going down,

so I could really use
a sewer troll repellant,

which you have.
So don't leave me hanging.

Keep lookout.
Track everything that moves.

Come on, Fu.
I got a bad feeling about this.

Look. The dragon's back.

Back? I think you boys need to get
some better lighting.

'Cause I just got here.

(YELLING) Get him!

When dragon att*ck trolls,
dragon forget something.

Uh, does this look like
it's mine?

(GRUNTING)

(GRUNTS)

Whatever you're up to, Fu,
it better be important.

All right. Listen up.

I need something.

I need... an 8!

SHARK WOMAN: Go fish.
Go fish!

Go fish!

(SIGHS) For Criminy's sake.

How many times do I gotta tell myself,
never play with a card shark.

Never!

Hey, I am a shark woman.

My sharkness
does not define me.

Besides, I'm just a beginner.

♪ He's cool, he's hot like a frozen sun ♪

♪ He's young and fast
He's the chosen one ♪

♪ People, we're not braggin' ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ He's gonna stop his enemies
with his dragon power ♪

♪ Dragon teeth, dragon tail,
burnin' dragon fire ♪

♪ A real live wire ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ He's the American Dragon ♪

♪ His skills are gettin' faster ♪

♪ With Grandpa, the master ♪

♪ His destiny, what's up, G? ♪

♪ It's showtime, baby, for the legacy ♪

♪ American Dragon ♪

♪ I'm a dragon, I'm not braggin'
It's my destiny ♪

♪ I'm the magical protector of the NYC ♪

Ya heard?

♪ American Dragon ♪

Yeow!

JAKE: Yo, I cannot believe this.

I flew through two miles
of stank-infested sewer tunnels.

(RETCHES) Sorry, go on.

Got covered in what
I can only hope is mud.

(GAGS) Okay, I'm good now.
Keep yapping.

Had to climb out through a toilet
in Grand Central station.

That's gonna make it... (RETCHES)

(WHIMPERS)

And you're telling me
you blew me off for a card game?

Hey!

Ah, much better.

Now, about this necklace
the trolls gave you.

It looks familiar.

I will do some research on it.

(COUGHS)

Someplace with better ventilation.

It's weird how smell
affects taste.

Like, I can't smell,
so these grapes taste like...

(YELPS)

They're plastic.
I see that now.

Kid, you gotta understand,
it's not just a card game.

Magic is the business
of relationships.

Next time we need info pronto,

I'll be looking to my card buddies
for the tip-o.

Friends are supposed
to have each other's backs.

Lately, I'm getting the feeling the only
back you have covered is your own.

Jake, buddy, come on.

When have I ever let you down?

Okay, now.
But before that, name one time.

Let's see, there was
the time with the giant.

(GRUNTS)

Don't worry, kid.
I'll free you.

Hmm? Hello, lady.

JAKE: And the time
at the skate park.

Don't worry, kid.
I got you.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello? Why, yes.

I am interested in saving 25 percent

-on my car insurance.
-(YELLING)

Does it matter that I don't have a car?

(CRASHES)

JAKE: And then there was
the time when...

Okay, I said one! How many times
can I apologize for being me?

I'm a dog, Jake.
I act like a dog.

Then how about acting
like man's best friend for once.

Well, then how about
acting like...

-Hey! Wait! Chill out.
-Listen...

(BLOWING RASPBERRIES)

What? I can't whistle.

Okay, look, I don't know
who told you guys

that being best friends was easy,
but they were lying.

I mean, take me and Spud.

We've had our share of fights,
but we squash them every time.

Yeah. You sing it,
sister girl. Mmm!

Wait. What fights?

You know, like when I buried
that gag nasty pink palm tree sweater

-you bought me for my birthday.
-You buried that sweater?

You never told me that.

Oh.
Right, well, I was going to tell you

then I realized it would probably
lead to some kind of fight,

so I just let it go.
You want to forgive me now?

Oh, I didn't buy that sweater.

Nana and I joined the nattering knitters
and I made it.

No, not it, them, 'cause that's not
a one-of-a-kind sweater,

it's a two-of-a-kind
friendship sweater.

You made two of those
nasty things?

How come I ain't never
seen you wear yours?

I've been waiting for you to wear yours
so we could go twinsies.

Well, it ain't looking good,
and you're gonna have a long wait.

I'm talking about
Rumplestiltskin long.

SPUD: Rumplestiltskin?

Look, kid, I'm sorry I wasn't there
for you. But I'm here now.

Yeah, well...

Come on.
I'm Mr. Responsibility.

Look at this.
My animal guardian school yearbook.

I was voted
most responsible.

"Most reprehensible?"

Ooh. Remembered that wrong.

Anywho, I'm telling you, Jake,
you can count on me.

-Are you Dog comma Fu?
-Yes, indeedy.

You've been summoned to appear
at the DMC,

Department of Magical Creatures.
ASAP.

What do you mean
my license expired?

I didn't get one notice
from the DMC.

Didn't you get like 12?

Yeah, but that's not one.

Dog comma Fu,

you are hereby suspended from
all magical guardian duties

effective immediately.

Your renewal test
is scheduled for Friday.

But what about me? I gotta go
four days without a magical guardian?

(BUZZER RINGS)

The DMC has assigned
Long comma Jake

a temporary animal guardian for
the duration of the probationary period.

Sign here.

Next!

Bananas B?

(WHOOPING)

Bananas B
is what me is naming.

Animal guardian's what I'm gaming.

I'm telling you, dog,
you quit your yelping.

I'm a monkey what's sent
to help you.

Meet your foremate, mate.
Yo, check it.

You've got yourself the first hip-hop
helper animal monkey guardian, yo.

You have got to be
kidding me.

(CHATTERING)

Don't worry. I'll study
for the test on Friday,

and this grub picker
will be out of your hair for good.

Yo, yo. No disrespect.
But once you've gone monkey,

everything else
be seeming funky.

What's that supposed to mean?

Yo. Youse want
to throw down and settle this now?

Oh, yeah, monkey boy?
Bring it on.

(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)

Break dancing?
It's pathetic.

Looks like you's a wimp.
A'ight?

Go ahead, do it.

Yeah!
(GROANS)

My sciatica.

Step off. Mess with me,

I'll vote you under the table.

Yeah. Thanks a lot, Fu.

Jake. The necklace
the sewer trolls gave you.

I knew I'd seen it before.

Hand it over, old timer.
Mees take a look.

Ai-yah!
What is the meaning...

Fu Dog, did you allow
your license to expire?

-Again?
-(SIGHS)

Uh-uh. Don't play me
the chump, chimp.

Does anything
in this picture bother you?

You want me to pick just one?

Whoa. The Queen of Cruel
is wearing the jewel.

Yeah. How about you let
the rest of us in

on your little "Aha!" moment?

You guys remember Chang.
Was good, turned evil.

Plotted with the dark dragon
to rise up against humans

so magical creatures could rule the earth.

Oh, that old story. You know the one
where the woman betrays your friendship

and unravels your pink Bahamas sunset
sweater with her lies?

Yeah. I know it.
I know it well.

Well, if Chang's necklace
is in New York,

she is in New York. And if she's here,

none of us are safe.

But isn't she doing
hard time in the magical slammer?

Yo, yo. We best be taking
a little look see at the lock up den.

We? As in you?

Thanks, but I think
Fu and I can handle it.

Actually, kid, if the DMC catches me
working without a license,

I'm banned for life.

Sorry. But you're gonna
have to do this one without me.

(WHOOPING)

Uh, Gramps.
This is Ellis island.

In one dimension, yes.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

JAKE: (SPEAKING ENGLISH) Whoa!

There she is.
Just like I told you.

Hasn't eaten or spoken
in 10 days.

Chang.
That is all I need to know.

Hmm. Yo, yo. Check it.

Chang speak no evil.
Chang eat no evil.

Chang be no evil?

Open your eyes,
maybe you can see

all we've got here
is doppelganger Chi.

That was her Chi
doppelganger.

Chang has escaped.

I must go report the news
to the dragon council.

Surely Chang is assembling an army
to resume her quest for power

over creatures both
magical and human.

So, what should we do, kid?

A little research?
Some surveillance?

That sounds like
animal guardian talk, yo.

Which is a big no no
for an unlicensed bloke like youse is.

(GROANS)

Hey, back off, boo. We never would've
figured out Chang escaped

if it weren't for Bananas.

Yeah, right.
Seriously?

And check it. On the way back, he offered
to do my homework and clean my room.

Bangers.
Mees a helper monkey.

-It's what mees do.
-So don't sweat your license thing.

Sure Bananas
has his quirks,

but maybe having him around
isn't gonna be so bad after all.

(BLOWS RASPBERRY)

Yo, youse be wanting
extra credit in Algebra?

-Algebro.
-(SCOFFS) "Algebro."

(LAUGHS) Algebro. Funny.

You know,
Jake also be a little hungry.

Yo, yo.
I'm all over it.

Then I'll...
I'll whip you up a little kibble nachos.

It's not assembled.
Hey, not assembled.

No!

(WHOOPING)

There you go.

Mmm. Thanks, B.

No way. Level 76?

I've only been there once.

Got dissected
by a zombie doctor.

Oh, no. You should
recheck the memory card.

Yo, so move it up
to level 76.

So youse can play 77.

Whoa! That's like the coolest thing
anyone's ever done for me.

(MUTTERS) I would've done that for you.

You don't play video games.

-Bangers. Level 77.
-No way.

(FU GRUNTS)

No! Fu, don't!

-I can take you higher. I can...
-(BEEPING)

What's that sound?
Is it good? Did I win something?

Oh, wow. I'm being torn apart
by zombie burros.

Yeesh, these things are violent.

Yo, yo. Mees can
walk you to school, can't me?

Yeah, cool.
Youse totally can.

Uh, Jake? I hate to ask,

but um, my license renewal exam is an
animal guardian guardee field test. See?

(GIBBERING)

So I kind of need you
to be there.

Right. I can count on you,
right, Jake?

Huh?
Oh, yeah. Sure.

Great. DMC. 4:00.
I'll see you there.

I'm telling you, Trix,

Bananas has gone
from bogus to bonus.

He did my homework,
got me up to level 77,

and searched the web
for the ten best bridesmaids catching

the bouquet wipeout videos.
He's awesome.

I don't mean to crash
your hard drive. But what about Fu?

Oh, Fu. Yeah.

Well, with Fu
I always feel like

I'm pulling all the weight
in our friendship and our partnership.

But with Bananas,
it's different.

It's like I can actually
count on him to be there for me

-and help me out, no matter...
-PROFESSOR ROTWOOD: What's this?

Jake Long has brought
an animal to school?

Whoa, wait.
You can't punish me.

I'm not even in school yet.

(SOFTLY) Oh, hello.
A sweet, little monkey.

Oh, he reminds me
of Mr. Richerschnot,

who was a street performer
on the corner I lived as a child.

Oh, he was...
my only friend.

A monkey
was your only friend?

Oh, it's true. He had mites,
and he was a common pickpocket,

but what are a few deutschmarks
between friends?

Come, little monkey man.
Come to my classroom.

See, bonus.

I am the sweater.
You bury it, you bury me.

Oh, but Spud,
how was I supposed to know

the sweater represented
our whole friendship?

Read the tag!

"This sweater represents
our whole friendship."

Yeah.

Ah, goodbye, sweet monkey friend.

What? Where's my wallet?

Oh, boy. Come on.

Ah, boy.
(WHIMPERING)

Come on, kid.
It's test time.

Don't do this to me.

(SQUEALS)

Yeah!

BOY: Yeah, awesome.

Yeah, Jake.
So cool, man.

No problem. He's got it.

Yeah, Jake.
School let out an hour ago.

So where are you?
My test is starting in...

Now.

Dog comma Fu.

If you do not have
a magical guardee,

one will be appointed for you.

Yeah, I'll be needing that.

Mr. Krunkers!

You will be tested
on speed,

agility, and strength.

You have to be kidding me.

I hate the taste of rice pudding, too.

Why so mealy? Why?

I got him. I got him.

-(GRUNTS)
-Mr. Krunkers, take it easy.

Whoa! Down!

Wow.
Your monkey is so cute.

Here's my number.
Give me a call sometime.

And it just keeps
getting better.

Huh. One missed call.

Fu? Oh, no.

Fu. Oh, man.

I forgot about his test.

Jakey, I know
you're diggin' Bananas,

but you and Fu,
you got a history.

You can't just dis him like this.
That is your best friend,

-freaky faults and all.
-Yeah, but,

it's too late now.

It's not too late
to go home and see how the test went.

And, you know,
be his friend.

I'll meet you over there.
I got a little something I need to dig up.

Add a pinch
of leprechaun dust.

A pinch of
tree nip husks.

No! No! Blue.

(expl*si*n)

Can't move.

I'm sorry.
You failed the test.

Your animal magical guardian license
is revoked for one year.

Good. 'Cause
you're a lousy animal guardian.

Good day to you, sir.

A year?
Oh, man.

I can't believe Jake didn't have my back
when I needed him.

Huh. It's kind of like how I didn't have
his back when he needed me.

You know, I bet if I look hard enough,
there's a lesson in here somewhere.

Hey, Fu. How'd it go?

Come on. I know it was
seriously uncool I wasn't there.

But... Fu?

This is the part where I say,
Lao Shi's grandson,

-we meet again.
-Chang?

Let go.

Hands off the friendship sweater,
troll dude.

(GRUNTS)

Nice escape. Too bad
I convinced the sewer trolls

it was in their
best interest to join me.

Now revenge will be mine.

Your grandfather
turned me in.

Let's see what I can do
to hurt him like that.

Oh, yes.
Slay his dragon grandson.

Wait.
You guys are on her side now?

Don't you get it?
Chang att*cked you in the sewers. Not me.

The great thing about trolls,
dumb as custard.

And yet so helpful
of the little things.

Like world domination

and slaying dragons.

But first, let's dispense
of the extra baggage.

Done in by evil footwear.

Somehow I always knew
it would end this way.

Yo, Chang. That's my best friend
you're stilettoing, baby.

(YELPS)

(GRUNTS)

Someone should really
take out the trash.

Jake, make it easy
on yourself.

Alone, you are no match for me.

He's not alone now,
is he, mate?

(GRUNTS)

(CRASHING)

Jakey.

I should finish you here,

But if I take you with me,
I can lure your grandfather to my lair.

(YELPS)

(GROANS)

You, I'll finish here and now.

Come on, Bananas.
Make a move.

Now!

(GULPS) Youse wouldn't be needing
a helper monkey, would youse?

What? What are you doing?

Mees work for peanuts.

-Literally.
-Fu would never...

Me's not Fu now, is me?

I like your style, monkey.

Not that ridiculous track suit,
but your no scruples style.

Yo, yo. Least me wasn't wearing something
as ridiculous as them two sweaters.

Hey! No one disses the friendship sweater
but me. You got that?

You like me.
You really like me.

Leave them.

Oh...

Hey, Fu.
Chang's got Jake.

And if you don't find them, she's gonna
make dragon fricassee for sure.

Don't worry.
I got Jake's back.

If I win, you tell me where Chang took
the American Dragon. Got it?

Hey, Esmerelda.
Eyes back in your head.

What?

If you guys are trolling for trouble,
you've just found it.

Get him!

Hi-ya!

That's what I call
trolling for dollars.

(SCREAMS)

Must I do everything myself?

That is just
to hold you still.

This next blast
will finish you.

Can't move.

(THUDS)

At least Mr. Krunkers
was good for something.

One Dog comma Fu
at your service.

Fu!
I'm sorry.

Yeah, I know. So am I.

-Fu, get out of here.
-No can do, kid.

With or without a license,
I'm responsible for you.

'Cause you're my best bud,
and I couldn't live without you.

Fu!

I'll be back

for you
and your grandfather.

Kid, I'll be fine.
Go after her.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

-(YELPS)
-JAKE: Fu!

Look, Fu may not be
the most responsible animal guardian,

but he's my best friend

and he's got something
I didn't show a lot of this week. Loyalty.

Bottom line,
this dog's got my back

no matter how lazy
or rude or annoying or...

Yeah, kid.
Overstate the point there. Please.

-So we're good?
-We are if you have a 9.

Since you found the love
for our friendship sweaters,

I decided to give you
a friendship beanie, too.

(CHUCKLES) Lucky me.

What did I tell myself
about playing against card sharks?

Ai-ya. We're just playing
a friendly game of cards.

Okay, check it out.

Magical animals have a long
and proud history

of adding a little color
to the English language.

Earlier you saw where
the phrase "card shark" comes from.

Now wonder no more
about the origins of the term

"legal eagle" and look no further
for the original "lounge lizard."

Of course, we had our share
of misses, too.

But hey, you know,
goose pimples had to come from somewhere.

Hey, no, no.
Cut to the castle logo quick.

Phew. That was a close one.