35x13 - Clan of the Cave Mom

[bunniefuu]

[LOUD THUDDING ON-SCREEN]

[ROARING]

[ALL CHEERING]

[NARRATOR]
The age of dinosaurs was over.

- Aw!
- Fiddlesticks!

[NARRATOR]
20,000 years ago, Ice Age humans lived

under constant thr*at
from deadly predators.

[GROWLING ON-SCREEN]

Freezing temperatures.

[WIND WHISTLING]

And smells.

[ALL SNIFFING]

[ALL GASP]

Primordial!

For our ancestors,
survival required constant vigilance.

Even the slightest distraction
could prove deadly.

What do you mean I have to
take the toys off our lawn?

I didn't even know we had
a homeowner's association.

In our modern world,
true danger is rare.

Yet, our Ice Age instincts remain...
ever on high alert.

Fine. I'll pick up the toys

when you take your
Christmas decorations down,

i.e. never!

Marge, the children are trying

to learn facts about the Ice Age.

Sorry. Sorry.

As if the distant past has
anything to do with us.

♪ ♪


[GRUNTS]

[SPEAKING CAVEMAN LANGUAGE]

[STOMACH GROWLING]

[HISSING]

[PROLONGED SHOUTING]

[MUNCHING]

There is literally nothing to eat here.

You know,
there are some children in this world

- who don't have enough...
- Bored!

Bart, incredible news!

You know how my dad got a
job at the sports arena?

They were changing the floor,

and he got trapped
between the hockey ice

and the basketball court for two days.

[KIRK] Okay, that's a double dribble.
I felt it!

When he agreed not to sue,
they gave him four tickets

to see Violencia Gigante

- in concert!
- Oh, my God!

Do you think they'll do one
of their songs about dr*gs?

Hey, as long as they do the one

about drowning guys in prison toilets.

[BOTH] "Baño Muerte"!

So can I go to the concert?

I don't know. You're awfully young.

What if you get jostled?

Yes, I'm young, but I'm responsible.

Really?

Bart, save yourself.

Okay.

You got to let me go to the show!

They rap in Spanish. It's educational!

Say, Mom, to inform
your parenting choices,

why don't you listen
to one of their songs?

Great idea, sis.

[MAN RAPPING IN SPANISH
OVER INSTRUMENTAL b*at]

[MAN TRILLING, GRUNTING]

Well, it can't be that offensive.

He barely says anything.

Ha! He's playing the clean version.

Here's the original.

And the translation of the lyrics.

She doesn't need to hear and see that!

Oh, my. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God! ¡Dios mío!

There's no way you're
going to that concert.

I forbid it!

Why did you sell me out?

Great question. Why'd I do it,

Mutilated Malibu Stacey with
melted-on dog toy for head?

[GULPS]

- [PHONE BUZZES]
- Van Houten residence.

Breadwinner speaking.

Luann. Just the young
woman I wanted to talk to.

I was really hoping you
could convince my mom

that it's okay for me to go
to this concert with Milhouse.

Oh, I'm sorry, Bart.

There must have been a misunderstanding.

You're not invited.

But Milhouse said I was.

That was before you coerced my son

into misbehaving on his field trip.

But you don't understand.
I really want to go.

My parenting group workshopped
the most compassionate way

for me to phrase this.

Bart, you're a bad friend,
and you're beyond hope.

Be well.

[GROANS SOFTLY]

[LOW GROWLING, SNIFFING]

- [GROWLS]
- [YELPS]

[DISTANT YELL]

- [GROWLING]
- [WHIMPERING]

[GRUNTING]

[SHOUTS]

[WHIMPERING]

Luann said what to you?!

That I'm a bad friend,
and I'm beyond hope.

[GROWLS]

[PANTING]

How dare she! After all the times

we've let her...
I'm just gonna say it...

dweeb of a son dweeb it up in our house.

Always making me watch him moonwalk,

and if I don't clap,
he hides in the bathroom.

No one uninvites my son

to the concert he's
not allowed to go to.

Get up! You and I are going
to go have a little chat

with the Van Houtens.

Ask your father to come watch the kids.

[WIND HOWLING]

♪ ♪

[STOMACHS GURGLING]

[SINGING IN CAVEMAN LANGUAGE]

[THUDDING]

[KNOCKING]

Took you long enough.
What did you do, crawl here?

I had to walk... in the rain. Ooh!

Yeah, yeah, you're a real hero.

Did you think for one second how
your words would make Bart feel?

Everything I said was true, Marge.

Hoo, boy.

- Was it?
- Oh, here we go.

You know how Bart is.

No. I don't.

Why don't you tell me how my son is?

- Oh, man.
- It is so on.

Bart and Milhouse have had
their issues in the past,

but we all thought
Bart would get better.

He's getting worse, Marge.
It's just a fact.

Did you hear that, Homer?

Our son is getting worse.

That's so good to know.

Um, if I could just turn the
heat down a little bit here.

I think what Luann
is trying to say, Marge,

is that nobody thinks
that you're a bad mother.

Bad... mother?!

Marge is the greatest mother on Earth.

She mothers circles around you freaky,

attachment parenting,
co-sleeping, co-bathing psychos!

Let's go. It's clear these people have

an all-consuming
vendetta against our son.

I need you to buy Bart
four concert tickets.

On the floor, first ten rows.

I don't care how much they cost.

I... I thought
you didn't want Bart to go?

If that woman wants a fight,
she's going to get one.

[DISTANT HOWLING]

♪ ♪

[GROWLS]

[HOMER] Nothing. Still nothing.

Nope. Nada.

N-Nope.

- Did you find amazing seats for Bart?
- Not yet.

And I'm checking Stub Dork, Seat Dweeb,

Ticket Chump, Venue Idiot...

Don't give up, or our son dies!

Socially, amongst his peers.

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Row 30. Not good enough.

Nothing. Still nothing.

Finger cramping.

Pain moderate, but... worth mentioning.

[PANTING]

[GRUNTS, YELLS]

[PHONE CHIMES]

[HOMER YELLING OVER PHONE]

You got the tickets!

It's a VIP package with admission

- to the Front Row Club.
- [GASPS]

Look. Here's a video of the
Beckham kids throwing up in it.

Ooh, Homer, you actually did it!

Bart is saved!

[KISSING]

[MOANING PLAYFULLY]

So I figure before the concert,
we'll pre-game at my pad.

Take some edibles...
Goldfish, pretzel nubs.

- All right!
- Fire!

So dope.

Looking forward to the big show, guys?

Good for you.
Hey, if I can see your seats

from where I'm sitting...
the Front Row Club...

I'll sh**t you a wave.

The Front Row Club?!

That's a perk usually reserved
for industry insiders.

I wanted to ask you three to come with,

but I'm sure you'd say "no."

You're doing the right thing,

sticking with your buddy Milhouse.

It's hard,
but that's how you build character.

No! You guys can't bail just
'cause he has way better seats.

Milhouse,
don't feel bad about the bailing.

Just feel happy that for a few days,

I pretended to like
you for your tickets.

I'll take my "haw-haw" now.

[HUMMING]

Mom, are you okay?

I'm better than okay.

I spent money we don't have to
show who's the better mother.

Love it.
Why don't you do something for me?

Take a deep breath in.

[INHALES DEEPLY]

[GROWLING]

Oh, boy. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Mom, your primitive brain is
running the show right now.

One of your "cubs," if you will,
has been threatened,

but in a 21st-century sort of way.

In response, your body
has entered a state of arousal

called "fight-or-flight."

I'm not in a state.
These are my calm veins.

Remember, you have access
to higher brain function.

So, breathe in the expensive candle...

- [BOTH INHALE]
- ...exhale the tension.

[BOTH EXHALE]

There is no thr*at.

Your cubs are safe.

Smell the "Fresh Morning Airport"?

Ew.

Mmm, there's no thr*at. Bart is okay.

That's right.

No need to fight or flee.

No thr*at.

[GASPS]

No thr*at at all.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

_

[PEYTON] We have a motion

from a concerned parent to ban all books

about "fallen women" from the library.

_

So, motion denied.

I'm pulling my boy from this school.

It didn't have to go down like this.

[THUDDING ECHOES]

I move to dismiss Marge
Simpson from this board

- for bullying my son.
- [PEOPLE GASPING]

[PANTING]

[WOLF GROWLING]

[WHIMPERING]

[SNARLING]

[GROWLING]

Bullying?
You want to talk about bullying?

She went out of her way to
make my son feel excluded,

less than and othered.

[PEOPLE GASPING]

That's the worst thing there be.

[ROARING]

[WHIMPERS]

[GROWLING]

Look at what her son did

to the third-grade production
of West Side Story.

- _
- [PEOPLE GASPING]

That's the kind of behavior
you learn in the home.

[ROARING]

You're criticizing my home?

You ever been to her dusty house?

You think nature abhors a vacuum?

Look up the word "no," Marge.

Trust me,
it can do wonders with children.

Well, you could learn how to say yes,
to a lice comb.

She grocery-shops at the Kwik-E-Mart.

Swedish Fish are not a protein.

At least Bart likes my lunches.

Milhouse is the most frequent
lunch trader in the cafeteria.

That is a lie.

I pack an extra lunch for Milhouse

because I feel sorry for him.

[ROARING]

[GROWLS]

[BOTH STRAINING]

[SNARLING]

Okay, a lot of big feelings.

I do love mess.

This isn't over.

Not by a long sh*t, sister.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

[HORNS HONKING]

Oh, my God,
look who Milhouse had to bring.

Kindergartners.

[CRIES]

You said we were going to see Cocomelon.

[TIRES SQUEAL]

[WIND WHISTLING]

Evening, ma'am. What brings you here?

Parking, I bet.

We're in the Front Row Club.

I believe parking is included?

Oh, we don't accept paper tickets.

- You have to use the app.
- What app?

The app it says you're required to use,

right here on this piece of
paper that is not a ticket.

Homer, the moustache man
who has every job

says we need the app you
used to buy the tickets.

Oh, I deleted that app the
second I printed them out.

Can I download the app?

Well, you'll need his password.

Oh, it's in my password wallet.

But I deleted that, too.

Why do you keep deleting apps?

I like the way they jiggle in fear

right before you drop the hammer.

[KIRK] Come on, Home-slice,
it's your pick.

Are you with Kirk?

Um, well,
it's our fantasy football draft.

After everything those
people have done to Bart?

[GASPS] Traitor!

- You are dead to me.
- [BEEPS]

[SNARLS]

[CRIES OUT]

[SHOUTING]

[GROANING]

[YELLS]

[SNARLS]

♪ ♪

Pull forward and turn
your car around, pally.

Aww, you can't get in?
Well, don't worry.

We'll post pics so Bart can
see all the fun he's missing.

[SNARLS]

[GROWLS]

[TIRES SCREECH]

[ALL SCREAMING]

- Have you lost your mind?
- I'm going to save you.

How is this saving me?

[SNARLING]

[SNARLING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[TIRES SCREECHING]

Follow me.

[YELLING, GRUNTS]

[ALL SCREAM]

Tickets, please.

Some of these people are
carrying outside food.

Outside food! Outside food!

[SCREAMS]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[GROWLS]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

We're either leaving here in
$50 T-shirts or handcuffs.

Perhaps a third course of action
will present itself? [SCREAMS]

[MARGE] Look, guys, we made it.

The Front Row Club!

Maybe you should take us home.

I don't think anybody's that
psyched for the concert anymore.

Go home? And let Luann win?

Why don't you ask that
lady what she thinks?

[GROANS]

Now you know what we're all thinking.

Not me. I'm cool with you.

Oh, sweetie, I'm so, so sorry.

I've just been feeling the
whole range of emotions:

anger, rage, fury, even miffed.

But I swear,
it was all because I never want

anything bad to ever happen to you.

I can handle bad.

I can't handle losing the
one good parent I've got.

Mm.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[SNARLING]

[WOLF WHIMPERING]

[YELLS]

[PANTING]

Why couldn't you just
let me invite Bart?

Oh, honey, but think
of how jealous and miserable

he must be right now.

- Isn't that satisfying?
- It mostly isn't.

I know Bart's a bad influence,

but he's the only kid who
wants to influence me.

He's all I got.

The Front Row Club won't be much fun

without Bart's best friend.

[WOLF SNIFFING]

[SNAPS FINGERS]

♪ ♪

Shh!