12x02 - The Lawn Jockey

[bunniefuu]

Be honest with you,

it don't bother me so much
in the daytime.

It's at night when I lay down
and go to bed. I can't sleep.

I toss and I turn. It's hell.

Do you eat a lot of dairy? Milk,
cottage cheese, sour cream?

Yes, all of it.

I'm not a doctor, but it sounds to me

like you might have a lactose allergy
or a lactose intolerance.

Really?

My suggestion is that you cut out
dairy from your diet completely.

It's gonna be tough. I love cheese.

Hey, who doesn't love a delicious
Camembert on a cr*cker? Come on.

Camembert? What the f*ck is that?

- It's a soft cheese.
- I ain't ever heard of that sh*t.

It's very good.

I don't know how I'm gonna do it, man.
It's gonna be tough. That's all I eat.

I know it's hard. I had to give up
Marcona almonds.

Is that like a nut?

Yeah, delicious. That with
some truffle oil and sea salt.

Tremendous.

I don't know what the f*ck
you're talking about.

Okay.

Larry David! You're free to go.

- Look at you.
- Lawyer's here.

Stay in touch, buddy.
Good to meet you.

Mr. David, I'm Joe D'Angelo.
I'm an attorney.

Your manager Jeff sent me.

Hey, Larry, let me give you
my number, man.

We can stay in touch, you know?

- Hey, you got a phone on you?
- Sure.

- You mind taking his number down?
- His number?

- Yeah.
- Yeah. 404-892-8042.

Yeah, I got it.

Hit me up sometime, Larry.
Take it easy, buddy.

- Thanks, fellas. Let's go.
- All yours.

Listen, Larry, may I call you Larry?

- Yeah, yeah, sure.
- Okay, listen to me, Larry.

I got you out on an R.O.R.

They're releasing you
on your own recognizance, okay?

- Yeah.
- What's wrong?

Nothing.

I didn't know it was against the law
to give someone a glass of water.

Welcome to Georgia, my friend.

Look, all I wanna do, all I wanna
do is plead guilty and go home.

I wanna get the hell out of here.

That's the plan. You plead guilty.
I get you out of here by Monday

with the slap on the wrist. Okay?

Let me ask you this.

So this guy flies me out of here
to make an appearance

at his birthday party,
and now he's not paying me.

Let's stick with this
criminal case, okay?

And then we can sit down
and maybe talk about the other thing.

Yeah, Larry! You're my hero!

- I love you, Larry!
- Look at this!

Looks like you're some kind
of liberal darling.

- Get the hell out of here. Come on.
- That's right.

- Look at you.
- How could I not be here for you?

What a pal.

I got an Airbnb for us. I got all your
luggage there. You are all set.

Hey, this is Joe D'Angelo.

Yeah, we spoke on the phone.
How are you?

- Joe?
- Nice to finally meet you.

Nice meeting you, too. A pleasure.
Thank you for helping us out.

Sure. Listen, I'll tell you what
I tell all my clients.

Don't worry. You're in good hands.
Nice meeting you, Jeff.

- Weird.
- lt's unbelievable. It's insane.

He looks just like Mocha Joe.

Have you ever seen an uncanny
resemblance like that in your life?

I never saw him. I only talked to him.
He was recommended.

He was, like, the best.

But I have a natural antipathy towards
him because of Mocha Joe.

Yeah. I'm so sorry that I hired him.

Still the hair dye?
Still going with it, huh?

Come on. I like it. I do.

- I don't think you do.
- I like it.

I know you don't.
You're not being honest with your pal.

That's okay.
Let's go greet my public.

Larry!

Thank you! So nice of you.

- So this is our rental?
- Yep.

This is interesting.

I actually read this in jail last night
in the Scientific American

that for thousands of years humans
have been putting on their shoes

using their index finger
as a shoehorn.

And in some kind of Darwinian way
we've adapted

and the index finger in a couple
of thousand years,

it's gonna look like a shoehorn.

The f*ck are you talking about?
Shoehorn?

No, look! You can see
it's getting flatter.

They look like the other fingers.
What are you talking about?

I think it's "Bullshit American".

Looks like a shoehorn.

What? What is this doing on the lawn?

It came with the house.
You think I put it on the lawn?

We didn't know it was there
until we moved in.

- That's awful.
- Terrible.

That's awful. I can't stay in a house
with that thing there.

- A bottle of water. What?
- It's an outrageous law, Willie.

But come on, you got to take
your hat off to Larry David.

It had to be done.
And dammit, he did it.

Hey!

What's with that thing out there?
The lawn jockey.

I know. We're in the south.
That's what they have.

- We got to get rid of that thing.
- You're not getting rid of it.

I can't stay in this house
with that thing outside.

- I'm not comfortable.
- This is an Airbnb.

I gave a security deposit.
Just leave it the f*ck alone.

You see what's going on here?

It's a courageous stand.

I mean, you know, maybe
it's not Rosa Parks on the bus,

but you know, this is pretty important.

This is amazing.

I don't wanna get all preachy about
this, but what did Jesus say?

"I was thirsty
and you gave me water."

That's what Larry did here.

And I'm just wondering, are
Republicans, like, really gonna push

getting this guy into jail?

The story gaining momentum, too.

Political figures, celebrities across
the country reacting

to Larry David's brave stand.

Larry David is about action,
not words.

He saw an injustice and he did
what he could to right it.

And that's what we need today
in America.

- It's a cause celeb.
- Larry David took a big risk.

He put his name
and his body on the line.

You're like a hero or something.

"Involvement".
That's Larry David's middle name.

Larry "Involvement" David.

Can you believe that?

This Larry David they're talking
about seems like quite a fellow.

- He is.
- But we know better.

You must be exhausted. Do you want
a cup of coffee? I got coffee made.

That would be great.
Thank you very much.

Hey, what's going on with Hulu?


we got a Zoom call.

Tomorrow you have a Zoom call?
I don't think so, Jeff.

You're gonna have to change that.
What the hell's the matter with you?

sh*t. It's your birthday.

Yes, exactly.
No Zooming on my birthday.

- No work on my birthday.
- What is that, a national holiday?

It's a sacred day for Jeff and me.

Is he allowed to go to the bathroom?

Yes, he can go to the bathroom, Larry.

And you could do whatever the f*ck
you want, but Jeff is mine all day.

What are you, ten years old?
Come on.

You know, if I wasn't born, think
the whole world would be sh*t.

If this was that movie
with the Jimmy Stewart…

It's a Wonderful Life.

Yeah, and the angel was taking you
around. Nobody would give a f*ck.

Very funny. Getting you coffee.

This is just insanity.
And you know what?

I got to get her a gift. I don't know
where to go, what to get her.

It's always a disappointment,

and I don't wanna break the bank.
It's so frustrating.

What a thing to go through. You have
to think about another person.

It's just terrible.

This is a possibility for you.

You don't wanna spend
too much money, right?

And yet you wanna make her happy.

You get two gifts,
but you only give her one

and see how she reacts to the one.

If you see she's a little disappointed
'cause it's just one,

then you bring out the second.

And if she's happy with the one,
then you return the second.

How did I not think of that?
So simple. Look at that.

- Thanks.
- What the f*ck?

- What is that, man?
- Yeah, I know. It's terrible.

You know? You guys have
to walk by him when you came in?

I don't know. I just saw it
for the first time two minutes ago.

- You fist bumped this m*therf*cker?
- No, we don't fist bump.

Hey, what's up?

You know what? Let's put it
in the garage. This is crazy.

- You want to?
- Yeah, yeah.

Jeez. Get him the f*ck out of here.

This is heavy, man. What the f*ck?
Are you guys doing anything?

- Yeah, I'm holding it.
- Are you okay?

sh*t!

- Oh man!
- Come on!

Look what you did.

What I did? I knew
you would say that sh*t.

I had the heaviest part.

You got the heaviest part? You
volunteered for the heaviest part.

You said you wanted to stay
in the back.

What the hell happened?
What did you guys do?

We had an accident.

Why did you even move the f*cking
thing? This is not our house.

Well, you're gonna have
to just find another one.

Cause I am not eating the security
deposit. You hear me?

Go buy a new one right now.
The exact same one!

Can we do it on your birthday?

Jesus.

I'm gonna take a shower
and then we'll…

How am I gonna find one
of these things?

Don't forget, we got to get
Susie's gift. All right?

This is so damn overwhelming.
I don't know what to get her.

I don't envy you.
This is impossible.

Hey, you're the guy
that gave that lady the water.

Right! I'm the guy.

And you're the guy that's wearing
a sweater

tied around his m*therf*cking neck.
How about that?

Hey, right there.
Look at this place.

Let's do it.

This really looks like a Susie store.
Look at this stuff.

It's pretty horrible.
What about this thing?

That looks f*cking perfect.

I'm going over to Sunglass Hut.
I'm getting gift number one.

You two scout for gift number two.
All right. I'll see you in a minute.

This is so stupid. I'm looking to shop
for Susie? This is insane.

What do you buy a person who
already has bullshit like this bullshit?

Hey, you know what?
I got a big job.

Okay.

I gotta drop the kids off at the pool.
You think they have a bathroom here?

They have a bathroom.
But you can't use the bathroom

unless you buy something.
That's how they do it.

Hello, gentlemen.
May I help you find something?

No. You know, we're just browsing.

We just got some gorgeous
wide brimmed hats in.

- Fedoras? I love a Fedora.
- Would you like to see any?

I'm wondering, do you have
a restroom l could use?

- You have to use the restroom?
- Yeah.

- Right now?
- Kinda, yeah.

Yeah. Right this way.

- Look who showed up. Susie.
- Let's go.

Excuse me. Is there anything else
I can help you with?

I know you were interested
in the fedoras. I can show you those.

You know, on second thought,
I don't think so.

Well, the restroom is
for paying customers only.

Well, I browsed with intent to buy,

but unfortunately, I didn't really see
anything that was of interest to me.

In your previous condition,

how much would you have paid
to use the restroom?

- 500.
- 500?

I cannot believe I found a pair, but
I found the perfect pair for her.

Fantastic.

I got mine. What'd you guys
come up with?

What did we come up…

Well, we've been browsing

and we've come up with that purse.

That purse. That's perfect.
Thank you both. Great call.

Yes, we found that in the store.
See, I'm a customer.

No, he's a customer. You're just
his friend who pooped in our toilet.

Can I help you find anything?

- Hey there.
- How you doing?

Good. Interested in buying…
A lawn jockey they're called, right?

- Yeah, that's exactly what they are.
- Yeah. A lawn jockey.

I noticed that they're all pretty much
the same, you know, ethnicity.

Wondering if perhaps you had
any darker ones.

Darker how?

Black?

You want a Black one?

It's not what you think.
It's a long story.

Yeah, it's like 400 years long.
Starts in Nigeria.

Believe me, I have the same aversion
to them as you do.

But you're looking for one.

Again, it's a long story.

I have nothing to do with it.
I just have to replace it, really.

So you already had one.

You know this one? This one looks
very similar to the…

The Black one.

Let me ask you this question.
Do you sell black paint?

No, we don't have black paint here.

Shoe polish?

No, we don't have any shoe polish.
We don't have any tar.

Okay. You know what?

I think I'm gonna get that one,
and l think I can work with that.

- It's White.
- Yeah, I know.

Something about him, too.
I can't put my finger on it.

Why didn't you go to a paint store?

I looked. I couldn't find a paint store
that was open.

Susie will be here any minute.
What are we gonna do?

Got any shoe polish?

I don't have shoe polish.

What are you looking at?

Pretty good.

This is great. Great idea.
Susie's here. Let's go!

f*ck!

Oh, hey! Hey, hey.

Let's see.

- Okay. It's the same?
- I brought the head with me. Yeah.

You brought the head with you?

- All right, you're off the hook.
- We are off the hook.

Don't do any more stupid sh*t,
the three of you.

No more stupid sh*t.

Wasn't eating that security deposit.

Okay.

How about that?
How about them apples? Great!

Let's clean this sh*t up.

So for thousands of years, humans
have been putting on their shoes

using their index finger as a shoehorn.

And in time, our index fingers
have been…

- Happy birthday!
- For me?

Oh, baby doll. Oh, baby.

- Sunglasses.
- Fantastic.

You like 'em?

- I like 'em. Let me look.
- She likes them.

- I do like 'em.
- Let me see.

As many women from Long Island
would say, to die for.

That's true. And you know what? It's
a nice memento of our trip to Atlanta.

I love them. You did good, babe.

I did good.

The texts just keep coming in.
The birthday wishes.

- Oh, boy. Oh, jeez.
- What's the matter?

I hate to bring this up, but I got this
meeting with my lawyer now.

Well, go.
We'll see you later.

I mean, the problem is
I can't really go alone

'cause I don't know what the hell
I'm doing, and if I could bring Jeff…

l know it's your birthday. I'm sorry
to ask, but this is important,

and I just need him there for support.

- You do realize it's her birthday?
- Well, I know it's her birthday.

I tried to change it to another day,

but he said the papers
had to be filed by today.

All right. You know what?

This is real life. This is important.
You go. Come right back.

- Back before you know it.
- An hour, hour and a half?

It's not gonna take long at all,
I promise.

Sammy just called.

By the way, the upshot
of the article?

That in thousands of years, our index
fingers are gonna resemble shoehorns.

Check it out. You can see it.
You see the shape of it? Look. Flat.

- Unbelievable, right?
- Look at this.

- This is expensive too, huh?
- Yeah.

Hey, you were right. Thank you.

Let's go return it.

Another f*cking gift?
You two sneaky cock suckers.

What are they doing with that?
f*cking idiots.

Excuse me, I'd like to return this.

- You wanna return it?
- Yes, please. Here.

- You feel comfortable with this?
- What are you talking about?

- After what you did.
- What did I do? I didn't do anything.

I used the bathroom.
What a crime I committed.

I used the precious bathroom.

Hey, this isn't even mine.
I'm not even the customer.

He's the customer. I didn't buy it.

Yeah, exactly. You weren't a customer,

and you had no intention of ever being
a customer.

You just go into random stores and
use them as your public restroom.

All right. Okay. It's enough!

Okay, I'll buy something.
Will that make you happy?

- Yes.
- What? What can I buy in this store?

I have just the thing.

I think this would bring out your eyes.

- Does bring out your eyes.
- Really?

- Fabulous.
- This is amazing.

It's not the kind of thing I would
generally wear, but…

- No, it works.
- I'll ring it up.

- A Southern gentleman.
- I'll take it.

- Brings out my eyes.
- That'll be 650.

All right. This won't be long.
I'll text you when I'm done.

All right. Well, good luck to you.
Tell the lawyer I said hey.

I thought I was gon' faint, you know?
And when I told him how thirsty I was,

he just went to the car and got me
a bottle of water

and it really made me feel
so much better.

See? Thank you, baby.

And how long would you say
you were on line?

At the voting?
It was over two and a half hours.

What a disgrace.

Okay, so look, as your attorney,
I just wanna be above board.

When we get in front of the judge,
you're going to plead guilty, correct?

- Yeah.
- Wait!

Larry. I thought that you was
gonna help us fight this evil law.

You gon' plead guilty?

What you mean
you're gon' plead guilty, Larry?

He has to plead guilty.

Larry is here to help us fight
for our cause.

I am gonna fight.
I'll fight it in my own way.

So what you mean is you're gonna
do it no way. Larry…

I don't wanna go to jail!

Larry, people are thinking you a hero.
I thought you were better than that.

I really did.
Leon, I smell something burning.

You better not be throwing
no spaghetti up in my ceiling.

We ran out of spaghetti sauce,
so I had to use ketchup.

Boy, what are you cooking over here?

I'm doing the best I can with just
Heinz Ketchup and spaghetti.

- You're still pleading guilty, right?
- Oh, yeah.

Good.

Man. This woman's coffee.
Have you had this woman's coffee?

It's amazing. You know, I wanted to ask
her where she got the beans.

It's got to be the beans, you know?

It's the beans,
like my old man used to say.

All about the beans. You don't have
the beans, you don't have the coffee.

You like coffee, Larry?

Try this coffee. Have a sip
of this coffee, Larry.

Good coffee is all about the beans.

I'm gonna ask her where
she get these beans.

Have you had this coffee, Larry?
You like coffee, Larry?

- Can't do this anymore.
- What's wrong?

You remind me of someone I detest.

Sorry.

How'd it go?

- Fired the lawyer.
- Mocha Joe?

Mocha Joe.

Is it a million degrees
or is it my imagination?

It's unbelievable. It's scorching.

I cannot believe this weather.
Is it hot here? Crazy.

It's like nothing I've ever experienced.

Something you wanna tell me, huh?

Where have you been?

Well, I went to the lawyer.

The lawyer?
You went to the lawyer?

With a gift box?
You went to the f*cking lawyer?

Well, it was just to show
my appreciation.

Oh, really? And how did
Perry Mason like his gift?

- Liked it.
- Yeah, he liked it.

You were so full of sh*t, both of you.

'Cause I saw you on the video
up in the tree house,

taking that box out. What do you got?

Like a Georgia whore
who you're giving gifts to?

No Georgia whore.

Well, who the f*ck was that gift for?

I saw you all taking it out and all,
"look, I got it. I'm all excited."

And you two high fiving.
Who was the gift for you?

You.

You think I got to believe
that bullshit? Then where is it?

I returned it.

- You returned it?
- It was expensive.

So what?

You liked the first one,
so the second one was unnecessary.

You couldn't give me two f*cking
gifts. What was it?

A purse.

So on my birthday, you spend
your day returning my birthday gift.

That's a wonderful use of time,
both of you.

Oh my God.

What's going on here?

What the f*ck is this?

Hair dye.

All right, you two. You have really gone
too far this time.

Go out and get me a Black jockey
right now! You better f*cking find one.

And I want that purse back, too.

It's Giuliani. No wonder I thought
he looked like an assh*le.

- Just go!
- Giuliani!

Go! Now! It's my f*cking birthday.
You're ruining it.

All right, Leon. Where do we go?

You got to ride a little further out
if you wanna find one.

Well, direct us.
What should we do?

Just keep f*cking driving.
I'll tell you where to f*cking turn.

Look, this whole Black lawn jockey sh*t
is bullshit anyway.

You know, it should be
something more respectable.

Like a f*cking Black lawn doctor

with a stethoscope
around his f*cking neck.

Giving m*therf*ckers
checkups and sh*t.

Or a f*cking lawyer holding
a briefcase and sh*t.

- Look, right there.
- That's good.

Hey, good afternoon. I'm wondering

if you might be interested
in selling your lawn jockey.

No.

No!

Get out of here!

Yeah?

Good afternoon.
I'm so sorry to bother you.

I recognize you.

You're the wing nut that came down
here is messing with our elections.

Yep. That's me.

What the hell you want
with my lawn jockey?

My sister's an avowed r*cist,
and she's very sick.

I thought this might cheer her up.

- That sounds familiar.
- Nothing. No luck.

Well, what are we gonna do?
We got to do something.

Who are you calling?

Hell! Larry!
What are you doing, big guy?

Hey, Emmett.

Listen, I got to tell you something.
I cut out dairy like you said,

and everything is better in my life.
I feel like a million damn dollars.

That's fantastic.

It's all 'cause of you, Larry.

I just can't thank you enough.

I wish there was a way
I could repay you somehow.

Actually…

Be careful, it's fragile.

Got it. Now slide it that way.
Pull the bottom down that way.

It's bottom heavy.
It should be fine like that.

- Thank you, Emmett.
- Yeah, no problem.

- Thanks so much.
- Hey, my pleasure, Larry.

I'll tell you, ever since l quit
this lactose business,

I'm turning over a new leaf. That little
statue I got from the church?

That's the last thing I'm ever stealing.

- Stay right there.
- What?

Don't you move.

The hell's this?
What the hell is…

- Go ahead.
- This for me?

Try it on.

- Oh sh*t!
- There you go.

Good Lord.

You do Larry David a solid,
that's what you get in return.

God almighty, man.

You are a real Southern gentleman.

- Fits perfect.
- Great to meet you.

Pleasure meetin' you.

Y'all drive safe, all right?
You come back to Atlanta any time.

Pastor, y'all having a good time?

Yes, Miss Rae.

Listen here now. I want y'all to eat
as much as you can, all right?

Chester, you better put
some more ribs on this plate.

- One rib. What do you thinking, boy?
- Yes, ma'am, I got ya.

- God. Look at all these people.
- Yeah. Church barbecue.

- See you later.
- Hey, Leon.

Is Larry with you?

- Larry's right there.
- Come on, Larry. Get out the car.

Everybody, this is Larry David.
Give him a big round of applause, y'all.

- Say, "Hi, Larry".
- Hello, everyone.

See all these people? They love you.

I know you're not gonna
disappoint them.

So come on. Get out that car
and get you something to eat, boy.

Okay, I'm coming.

Give him another big round
of applause, y'all. Larry David.

- Least I could do.
- Jeff, right?

- Yeah.
- Come on and get you some, too.

I want you to meet
Pastor Sherman, okay?

Hey, would it be okay
if I use the bathroom?

Right through there.
Go ahead.

Hey, you see this guy right here?

That does not look like his jacket.
Let's light him up.

What the hell is this?
You gotta be kidding me.

Where you get this jacket, sir?

It was a gift.

A gift? Why is the tag
still on there, sir?

Honestly, I didn't know it was on there.

Let me see your driver's license.

sh*t.

Come with me.
You're under arrest.

This is bullshit, man. What the f*ck?
I didn't f*cking steal it!

It was from my friend Larry.

Some crazy old man I met in jail talking
about almonds. Come on. f*ck.

Hey, Jeff.
How you enjoying them ribs?

They got a kick to 'em.
You know that?

- Man, they're delightful.
- I'm glad you loving them.

Chester. I need you to box up
some more of those ribs

so that Jeff can take them home
with him.

Coming up.

Larry David. I'm Pastor Sherman.
It is a pleasure to meet you.

Nice to meet you.

Let me introduce you
to the congregation.

Saints, listen!

This man is an inspiration.

lt's gone a little overboard.

You see, Larry David… Or should
I call you Larry Daniel?

Okay. Because just like Daniel,

he walked into the lion's den
without fear.

I like the sound of that. Larry Daniel.
Maybe I'll change my last name.

Larry is that powerful man today for
the Black community here in Atlanta.

No, no, no!

What the f*ck?

Are you sh1tting me, Larry?

- m*therf*cker's got a lawn jockey!
- What is wrong with you, man?

- It makes me sick!
- No, no!

Get out of here, man.

- Hey, hey! It's not mine!
- Bye, Larry!

Mr. David, you've been charged

with obstruction of the election
process in the state of Georgia.

And if you're found guilty at trial,
you'll be subject to a fine

of 10 000 dollars
and up to a year in prison.

How do you plead, sir?

Not guilty.

Now, that's the Larry David I know.

Trial set for 90 days hence.
Next case!

That's why I already made a big
ole pot

of those put your foot in it greens.

We going back to the house!