12x07 - The Dream Scheme

[bunniefuu]

Hello?

Larry, it's Gina Grossbard.
Stu had a stroke.

Who?

Stu Grossbard. From the club.

- What?
- I thought you'd want to know.

Why the f*ck did she call me?

Yeah, it's like at three o'clock
in the morning.

I don't even know the guy hardly.
It's ridiculous.

It's nuts.

What am I doing on that list
of middle-of-the-night calls?

- I don't understand it.
- Better you than me. That's insane.

The worst part? Now I'm on a text
chain with his wife and the family.

Those chains. I've been on 'em.
They're the worst thing ever.

I bet this is another one.
Oh, yeah.

- The chain?
- It's the chain.

"Hope you're feeling better today.
My niece just drew this for Stu."

Look at the picture.

You got a heart that. Just heart it.

- Another one. Holy cow.
- It's never gonna stop.

And I can't just drop out,
they'll see I left. Listen to this.

"My family and I are here whenever
anyone needs anything."

"Martha's beef stew is absolute
perfection and really heals all wounds."

It's really, honestly, like, the lowest
form of human communication.

Hey, guess what?
I got a date tonight.

- With an artist.
- Really?

She's painting me as part of a series
of old Jewish comedians

called "Wisenheimers".

- I think Richard sat for that.
- I think so.

He asked her out,
but he said it didn't go anywhere.

Maybe he should've gone to Atlanta
and given some water

to someone in the voting line,
maybe.

Perhaps.

Dig this. Susie has got a textile
convention in North Carolina,

and she wants me to go with her.

- What?
- What's a textile convention?

You're not going to that.
That's ridiculous.

No, she already bought tickets.
And dig this.

Because it's last minute,
middle f*cking seats.

- How am I gonna get out of it?
- Guys, can I do this here?

So sorry.

- The whole day.
- You're not having the greatest game.

All right, I'm gonna give you that.
Pick it up.

- She's insane.
- You got to get out of that thing.

What the hell?

The f*ck's he doing?
Are you drinking?

- Just a little swing juice.
- Swing juice?

What's in it?

I go with iced tea
and a little bit of vodka.

You look like a derelict
with that thing.

You mean, a gentleman.
Here's looking up your address.

That's bizarre.

Hey, you know what? I think I got
a way to get out of this trip for you.

- How?
- You have this dream, okay?

It's like a nightmare about the plane.
And in the dream, you're thinking,

"I'm on the middle seat.
Can't breathe. It's too tight."

"No room." She'll wake up,
and you'll tell her

what the dream's about,
and she'll be very concerned about you,

and she'll say,
"okay, don't go".

- I like it. That's good.
- It's a dream scheme.

- Let's see you do it.
- All right.

Middle seat! Can't breathe.
They're squeezing me!

Wake up!

- Jeffrey, wake up!
- What?

You were having a bad dream.
What's going on?

I was having a panic att*ck.

You're not going on the trip.
I'm gonna go.

You stay home. Do you like that?

- I love it.
- It's worth a sh*t.

- All right. Pretty good so far, huh?
- So far.

- You want to be on my talk show?
- Of course.

All right, we're back.

Our next guest is a young artist
from Los Angeles.

Her name's Renee Holcomb.

Please give her a nice round
of applause.

- Renee, welcome.
- Thank you.

I understand you have
an art show coming up soon.

It's my Wisenheimer series.

- Now, did you paint Larry David?
- I did.

I heard he's just an incredible person.

And an incredible face. You know?
It's Picasso-esque.

- You know, a little asymmetrical.
- Asymmetrical?

Well, you know, just slightly.

Thank you for being on our show
tonight, and our next guest…

Okay, I've got the key lime pie
and the herbal tea.

- Thank you.
- Well, thanks for being on my show.

It's a pleasure.

- No good?
- Hold on.

- Oh, God.
- Let me taste it.

What do you think?

- Right?
- It's disgusting.

- Excuse me.
- Hi. Yeah?

- I'm sorry to bother you. This pie.
- You don't like it?

- It's really awful.
- Inedible.

It looked like you were both
enjoying it.

That grimace looked
like we were enjoying it?

I'm gonna get this off the bill for you.

- Everything else has been lovely.
- Looked like we were enjoying it?

I'll show you what it looks like
when I enjoy something.

What do you want to do after this,
by the way?

- Hi there.
- Hello.

- This is yours, correct?
- It is.

Well, unfortunately, a little bad news.

I'm not gonna be able to take this
off of your bill tonight.

- Why?
- It's halfway gone.

- You guys ate a lot of pie.
- Is this a joke?

It's not a joke. What you ate went
past the threshold of returnability.

Okay, I took a robust bite initially
because it's dessert.

Then I took a tentative bite,

confirmed that it was gross,
and then he took a bite.

She took one bite.
She said, "This tastes awful."

A second bite, "Yes, it is awful."

And you take a large bite
at that point?

That's the part
that doesn't make sense.

You have to take a large bite.
How else do you confirm?

You can't confirm on a small bite.
You don't get enough taste.

That's three huge bites.

You know what?
Charge me double for it.

- I don't need to.
- She's an artist. She's a libertine.

We're going back to my house.
We're gonna have sex.

We're gonna forget
about this horrible experience.

- We're gonna have great sex.
- You two are gonna have sex?

- Yes.
- Yeah, you got a problem with that?

- No. No problem.
- Who made this pie?

- Chef made the pie.
- No wonder.

- No wonder?
- No wonder.

Would you like me to go grab Chef,
and you can give him your thoughts?

Go get Chef.
You think I'm afraid of Chef?

I don't know if you are,
but I think you should be.

- I'm so scared of Chef.
- Yeah, get Chef. We don't care.

I think when you meet Chef, you're
gonna change your tune a little bit.

- Go get Chef.
- You're gonna regret this choice.

I'm the nice one of the two of us.

Get Chef.
Let's get the f*ck out of here.

How'd you sleep?

- Not good.
- Really? Why?

- Oh, yeah. New person.
- Yeah.

It's weird.

Well, aside from the insomnia,
everything else was amazing.

Really?

Are you suggesting an encore?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right there.

Yes!

- What the hell?
- Larry, who the f*ck is that?

- It's the housekeeper!
- Why didn't she knock?

She's not supposed to be here!
It's her day off!

- She should've knocked.
- You knock! You always knock.

It's true.
She seems freaked out.

What gave you that impression?

I don't get it. It's not like you
don't have one of your own.

- Think I better go talk to her.
- Call me. Let me know how it goes.

I can't wait for this.

- It was great, until it wasn't.
- If I don't see you, goodbye.

Goodbye, Larry.

I thought it was your day off.

No, it wasn't.

Anyway, I know what you saw,
and…

I don't know the nature
of your experiences,

but a lot of women seem
to find pleasure in that.

You know, go figure. I don't know.

I didn't want to do it. She asked me.

She practically begged me.

"I like this, I like this."
What am I supposed to do?

I didn't want to be rude.

You know, I'm a gentleman.
lt's a chivalrous thing to do.

A gentleman holds the door open
for women,

a gentleman puts the toilet seat down,
and a gentleman…

Dahlia! What's going down, girl?

I got to work. Bye.

What's wrong with her?

- Incident.
- Incident?

Come out.

- You got her pregnant?
- No. It's not that.

Give it to me.

Renee, the artist I was telling you
about. We were upstairs.

Dahlia walked in on us
when I was downtown.

Yeah, she didn't take it well.

What the f*ck you doing downtown?
You don't need to be downtown.

Downtown is f*cking dangerous,
you understand?

- You more of a uptown person.
- Don't get me wrong, I love it uptown.

But I will venture downtown,
you know, on occasion.

What about you?
Are you a downtown guy?

Yeah, I'm good. I can f*ck around
and do a TedTalk to that sh*t.

I'll have a p*ssy TedTalk.
Get all the guys in one room,

get a little microphone,
get a little laser pointer and sh*t.

Be like, "This is a p*ssy. See?"

Yeah, I'm good at that sh*t.
I go through all the f*cking zones.

- All the eromenous zones.
- Erogenous.

- Eronenous zones.
- Erogenous.

- Erotenous.
- Erogenous zone, yeah.

I know all the f*cking zones and sh*t.

Gotta know where to lick at
and where to tickle.

- No caller ID.
- Hate that sh*t. Hey, do you.

- Hello.
- Larry, it's Gina.

- Who?
- Stu's wife.

He has a stroke.

Yeah, right, right.
How's he doing?

Not great, Larry. Touch and go.

I'd love to have lunch
with you tomorrow.

Lunch?

There's something very important
I need to talk to you about.

- Me?
- Yes. Thank you so much, Larry.

I'll send you the information.
You're on the text chain, right?

Yeah, the text chain.

That text chain is a blessing.
I'm so glad you're on it.

I read that quote about resilience
that your cousin sent.

- It was very moving.
- I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

Claustrophobic. The middle seat.
No room!

I can't breathe. Middle seat!

- Jeff, Jeff!
- Get me out of the middle!

Jeff, wake up!

You were having a nightmare.
I think it was about the flight.

You're really bent out of shape
about this flying to Raleigh, huh?

I guess I am.

You know what, honey?
If you're so worked up about this

that you're having nightmares,
it's a sign you should not come.

- You really think so?
- Yeah, I really think so.

Take a deep breath
and get some sleep, okay?

I've got a busy day tomorrow.
Busy day with the Caftans.

I just saw Stu at the hospital,
and I'm very worried.

How could Stu have a stroke,
of all people? You know Stu, Larry.

I really don't know him.

Oh, Larry. You mean the world to him.

l can't possibly mean anything to him.
I've never even had lunch with the guy.

But let me tell you, I blame
Susie Green for this situation.

- Susie Green?
- Oh, yeah.

The other day, she brought over
this massive tub of foie gras,

but she knows I'm dieting
and watching my weight.

What a bitch!

She brought it over just
so you'd eat it and get fat?

Here's the thing.
Stu ate the entire tub himself.

It seems like he was trying
to fill a hole somehow.

Everybody has an Achilles heel.

An entire tub sounds
like an Achilles foot.

Well, anyway, let me talk to you
about why I wanted to meet today.

In case Stu doesn't make it,
he has some requests.

What do you mean, "requests"?

He wants you to keep an eye on Olivia.

- Who?
- Our 11-year-old daughter.

Me, keep an eye on your 11-year-old
daughter? You got to be kidding.

I don't know anything about children.

Who better to step up
at this time than you, Larry?

Anybody in the world. A homeless
person would do a better job than me.

I'm telling you what he told me.

This is crazy. I don't like children.

I've never spoken to a child without
contempt in my voice in my life!

- So are you sure?
- It's Stu's wish.

- Is this a financial thing?
- No, it's soccer, homework, boy stuff.

You know, Olivia this week said
she's now identifying as a cat,

and I'm sure you could really help
her with that, Larry.

What, buy her a litter box?
What am I supposed to do?

I think you underestimate yourself.

Did anybody else get any requests?

He wants Freddy Funkhauser
to take care of his antique violin.

- What?
- And to sell it.

It was once played by Jascha Heifetz
at Carnegie Hall.

Are you kidding? Freddy Funkhauser
gets to sell a violin,

and I get to take care of Catwoman?
Why didn't I get the violin?

They're early! Hi, sweetie.

- How did it go today?
- It was okay today.

We were a cat, so lots of scratches,
but she didn't break the skin.

Olivia, I want you to meet Larry.

Hello, pussycat. Hello!

- And this is Katie, our nanny.
- Hi.

- Do you like hockey?
- No.

Do you think Puerto Rico
should become a state?

- Who cares?
- Have you ever tasted a beer?

- Gross. I like your sweatshirt.
- Really? Yes, I like it too.

Yeah, but there's something
on the string.

What are you doing?
What'd you do that for?

'Cause cats like string.

It's okay. You'll just wear it
without the string.

You can't wear a sweatshirt
without the string.

You ruined my sweatshirt, Mittens.

- Come on. This is impossible.
- That sh*t's hard.

It's like trying to put toothpaste
back in the tube.

But dumb m*therf*ckers try to put
the sh*t back in the same little hole.

Can't go back in the same hole.

That's what I'm saying.

You cut the bottom of that bitch open

and put the sh*t inside
then reseal the bottom.

This is harder than toothpaste.

You know what you got to do with that?
You got to moisten that m*therf*cker.

Like trying to thread a needle.

Lick that sh*t good.
You got to get that bitch in that hole.

No, no! Wait, wait!

Wait a second. I'm just trying to get
this string in the hole here.

Do you have any tricks?
Any housekeeping tricks? No?

No, no housekeeper tricks. Sorry.

Also, one more thing. I noticed
when you put new toilet paper on,

you always put it on from the bottom,
so I have to go to the bottom.

I like it from the top.
Rolls out a lot easier.

You can rip it off like that.

Yep, there's people who do it from
the top. You know, you roll like this.

And people do it from the bottom,
you do it like this,

it's almost as if you're un-wiping
your ass.

Okay. Can I go now?

- Yeah.
- Bye.

This is unbelievable.

It's just so awkward.

You know, sometimes when you
have sex with somebody,

you become a different person
afterwards?

Well, we didn't have sex.
She just caught me having sex.

She's uncomfortable,
but now it's making you uncomfortable.

She's not cleaning.
She's not doing anything.

I'd like to fire her, but I can't.

I got a trial coming up. It doesn't look
good that I fired the housekeeper

who saw me having cunnilingus.

Can't get rid of her ass
'cause you got no basis.

Getting caught eating p*ssy
is not a basis. So, you f*cked.

Oh my God. This text chain.

"Stay strong everybody!"

"Remember, after the rain comes
the rainbow."

"Be the reason someone smiles today."

f*ck you! Ridiculous.

Okay, we go for a walk.
Hi. Jeff is not home.

He'll be back in, like, 10 minutes.

- What the hell is this?
- It's a coyote vest.

They're all over the f*cking
neighborhood. I got to protect him.

Some people care if he gets eaten
by a coyote, Larry.

By the way, I just had lunch
with Gina Grossbard.

That farbissinerpunim.

She blames you for Stu's stroke.

She thinks, what,
'cause I brought over the foie gras?

She is so transparent. Every time
she comes here, Larr,

she brings something
from that new French patisserie.

Eclairs. And she's trying to get me fat.

- She wants you to be fat?
- Yes, she does. So I retaliated.

Because she's jealous that I'm thinner
and I have more style than her.

You know, he ate the whole tub.
That night, had a stroke.

Because he's a f*cking pig.
It's not my problem.

Really?

By the way, you could play golf
with your boyfriend this weekend.

Why? I thought I was going
to North Carolina.

He is not coming with me.
I can't have it.

He had a dream last night, Larry.
A nightmare about the trip.

What?

And I thought, if he's having
this much anxiety over that flight,

better he should stay home.
I don't need him having a stroke.

He had a dream?
A nightmare?

- He was thrashing around.
- The poor guy.

I believe in respecting
the unconscious.

Well, that's just a surprising turn
of events. Good for you.

We're going for a walk.

- Is your outfit anti-coyote?
- Very funny, Larry.

Go f*ck yourself. You don't know
anything about fashion.

Let's go, buddy.

Hey. Is this Stu Grossbard's room?

- Yes, it is.
- How's he doing?

- It's too early to tell.
- Can I see him?

Yes, but don't stay long.
He needs his rest.

Stu. Hey.

- Larry.
- Hey, hey! Stuey!

Look at you.
What a man will do for attention, huh?

- Did you talk to Gina?
- I did talk to Gina.

She invited me to lunch, and I paid,

which is a little odd because
she invited me. I'm the invitee.

She's the inviter. Usually the inviter
pays. I kind of waited.

I gave her some time,
but it was not forthcoming.

I don't want to make a big deal of it.
I don't care, really.

It means nothing to me,
but it's a matter of common courtesy.

You would think the inviter
should be the one picking it up.

Listen, again, I didn't care.
It doesn't matter to me.

But she did bring up something
at the lunch

that I wanted to call to your attention,

which is in the event that, you know,
God forbid, the worst transpires,

do I have this right that you want me
to keep an eye

on your 11-year-old daughter?

Yes, Larry.

I met your daughter at the lunch, and
she pulled the string on my sweatshirt,

and it was all I could do to restrain
myself from yelling,

"You f*ck!" That's what I wanted
to say to your daughter.

She pulled the string out.
The sweatshirt's ruined.

She's curious. You're passionate.

It's all right. It's a good combination.

I'm not being immodest when
I tell you that I don't really think

I'm the right person for this job.

- You are, Larry.
- You know who would be perfect?

- Freddy Funkhauser.
- No.

Oh, yes. Freddy Funkhauser,
who loves prepubescent girls.

And I mean that in a good way.
He's very excited to be around them.

And, of course, again,
I mean that in a good way.

This has got Freddy written all over it.

Freddy's the violin man.

I don't know why I'm not the violin man.
I grew up taking violin lessons.

Larry, I just know
that you're the right man for the job.

You must have me confused
with a normal person.

You are the person for Olivia.
You understand?

Okay, Stu. I respect your decision.

Okay. That puts me at ease.

You're carrying a flask now?

I take a couple of nips.
I take a nip here, a nip there,

you know. I nip away at it,

and then, hopefully,
I won't have to drink again tonight.

But I feel good. I like it. So what?

Excuse me.

Jesus Christ. Will you look
at the tuchus on this one?

Is she coming in here? Is she giving
you sponge baths, this one?

She takes care of me, Larry.

I'm not even sure if she's wearing
a bra. Am I right, Stu?

Maybe you're right, Larr.
Freddy's the right person for Olivia,

and you're the right person
for the violin.

- So you want to flop us?
- Yes, I'm gonna flop you, Larry.

I got that violin covered.
The violin is the least of your worries.

You're my friend, Larry.

Good decision, Stu. I got to run.
I got a violin to sell.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Just got out of the shower,
and there are no towels.

It's because I can't deal
with the towels right now.

And why is that?

Because I was holding the towels
when you and her were…

They remind me of the trauma.

- The trauma?
- Yeah, the trauma.

I'll tell you what.

Why don't I get some new towels?

I think I couldn't. Like, any sort
of towels would be…

- You can't even go near towels?
- No, no, I can't.

So cleaning any towels in this house
is traumatic?

Yeah.

How about when you take a shower
at home and you use your towels?

- Well, those are my towels.
- So it's just my towels.

And even the new towels would be
a reminder of the trauma?

But I also noticed that my clothing
hasn't been washed.

That's also a trauma?

You don't believe me I have a trauma?

Can we get over the trauma
by tomorrow?

I do my best.

Look at all this sh*t.
This f*cking mess.

Dahlia can't work
because of the trauma.

This trauma is out of control right now.

Look at this. No towels. I'm wet.

I took a shower this morning.
I had to dry off with paper towels.

This is f*cking insane. She's taking
advantage of the whole situation.

Completely!

She saw you eating p*ssy,
but it should not affect your work.

Yeah. I caught my aunt giving
my Uncle Moishe a blowjob

in the back of a Pontiac,

but if they asked me to go to
the movies, I just hopped in the car.

Same back seat! I can still remember
those gabardine slacks unzipped!

You might even have got a lollipop
and it still didn't affect you.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Still didn't affect me.

I did have a crush on my aunt,
though, after that.

Trauma did that? Maybe it's some
kind of religious thing.

Is there any mention of cunnilingus
in the Bible?

That sh*t didn't start till the early


No, I don't think so. Columbus got it
from the Indians,

brought it back to Spain
with grapefruit.

Somebody had to be the first.

There was a cunnilingus pioneer
out there.

We don't know who it was.
They should get some credit for that.

Put that m*therf*cker
on Mount Rushmore of p*ssy Eaters.

They all got their tongue out and sh*t.

Honor these m*therf*ckers, right?
Somebody had to start it.

Nah, f*ck that.

- Who is it?
- It's Freddy!

Hey! There's my guy.
Okay if I come in?

Great to see you, old friend.

Boy, it does my heart good
to see an honest face.

I think it comes down to just loyalty
and someone who's genuine,

who you can count on.
Because that's what makes a friend.

Anyway, anything you want to tell
a friend to his face?

- No.
- No?

I gave you a chance to address
the fact that you f*cked me.

Yeah. You took me off the violin,
and you shoved the kid down my throat,

and you f*cked me, L.D.

I couldn't do it.

You know what the worst thing is?
You did it with my own flask.

You took something elegant,

something classy and sophisticated
like my flask,

and you shoved it up my ass,
and you reamed me with it.

- It was a good idea, though.
- What you did is terrible.

This is a first-degree,
premeditated f*cking.

You know what makes it even worse?
Is you don't have any remorse.

You're a sociopath. You f*cked me
in cold blood, and you're a monster.

And now I have to accept the fact that
you're wired like a f*cking lunatic.

I can't take care of kids! I hate kids!

I'd rather have roaches in my bathtub
as pets than take care of a kid!

And I'm f*cking Mary Poppins?

You're a very affable and genial fella!

You could do a much better job
than I can!

You have a knack!

It was way too sophisticated
for that child!

You always take time for people!
You're completely courteous!

I can't even believe the way people
talk about you behind your back!

"That Freddy Funkhauser!
He's the nicest guy I've ever met!"

I'm the nicest guy? People always
say how lovely you are!

"He's so funny!
Larry brightens the party!"

Nobody's said a decent word
about me my entire life!

I don't even say decent words
about me!

I say he's honest, he's loyal!

I won't say it anymore!
It was a terrible thing that you did.

My one regret is that I had
to use your flask.

That may be your first regret, but
that's not gonna be your only regret.

There's gonna be a series of regrets.

Because if you think I'm gonna take
a nap while you f*ck me,

you're crazy. I'm awake.
This thing's only just begun.

And I'm about to roll over
and do some f*cking myself.

You're getting f*cked pretty soon.
I'm gonna roll over and f*ck you.

That guy thinks I'm an alcoholic!

Freddy? What are you gonna do?

For God's sake.

This chain!

Stu, you all right?

I came full throttle from Cabazon,

from the outlet store.
I'm glad to be with you.

My friend, Freddy.

Can I cheer you up with
some pretty good news?

I think I got a couple leads
on the violin.

- You talked to Gina?
- I'm getting a bidding w*r going.

I can't do it, Freddy.
I got to switch it up.

You got to take Olivia.
Larry's gonna sell the violin.

You want to have a nest egg for Olivia,
you need me moving that violin.

- And Larry's great with kids.
- I don't know about that.

He's super comfortable with really
young girls. Not in a bad way, but nice.

Like laughing and joking.
He's like a porcupine.

He puts those things out and is prickly
'cause he wants to keep people away,

but he puts 'em down for the kids,
and he brings those kids in,

and he gives 'em a nice, snug hug.
He holds on to 'em super tight.

Not in a bad way. They love to cuddle
with him because he smells good,

and he's always got a clever line
he whispers.

He's playful. The girls love it.
They sit and laugh,

it's a little push, a little pull.
Not in a bad way, but they connect.

I appreciate everything you're saying.

If I was gonna pick someone,
I'd pick Larry David.

- I made up my mind.
- You're missing the big picture here.

Larry is selling the violin, and
you are keeping an eye on Olivia.

And that's my final word, Freddy.

If that's what you want,
then I'll honor that.

I'm sorry. I'm exhausted.

I've had the sun in my eyes since
I've been driving from the outlets.

You mind if I take a seat?

No. Go ahead, Freddy.
I want you to stick around.

I'm so tired, I think I'm about
to fall asleep on my feet.

Do you mind if I rest my eyes?

No. I think I'm gonna go to sleep too,
Freddy.

You don't need to finish high school.

You need to pay your dues
at the mattress store in Temecula.

You want a book? Next thing is
you're gonna be wanting socks.

And take off that skirt.
You look like a whore.

I said take it off!

It's not hard to make friends.
It's just nobody likes you.

It's a pocketknife. You're supposed
to cut yourself sometimes.

That's how you learn.

You sh*t in the bucket, you clean the
bucket. Those are the house rules.

Who cares if it's your birthday?
We go to cockfights.

That's what this family does.
It's tradition.

Freddy.

You'll come out of the basement
when I'm good and ready.

- Freddy.
- Hey, you're fat.

Freddy!

What's going on? So sorry.
I was having the craziest dream.

- Yeah, I know.
- I was exhausted.

I've changed my mind.
You're back on the violin.

- You're flopping?
- I'm flopping.

All right, well, that's what you want,
that's what it is.

I'll be sure to let Larry know.
I'd love to stay,

but I got a Zoom in Vacaville with one
of my mattress shops, okay?

You're the best, Freddy.

And don't worry about that violin.
I'm moving it.

Very busy tongue.

The tongue of the devil!

Awful. Head and legs.

Bald head, moving up and down.

- I must have fallen asleep.
- What happened?

- I was having a nightmare.
- Yeah, sounds like it.

You poor thing. Are you okay?

Maybe because of the trauma.

Okay. Let me tell you something.

You're using the dream scheme
on the wrong guy. I invented it.

I can't forget what I saw.

This is over.
I don't want to fire anybody,

but I will fire, and I'll hate myself
for doing it.

But if you don't come in tomorrow
and work. I'm gonna do it.

Okay? And take your feet
off the couch.

Hey, Leon! I'm gonna go get that violin.

Take care.

- Larry.
- Yeah.

- Waylan Grossbard.
- Do I know you?

I'm Stu's cousin
from the family text chain.

Yeah, the text chain.

We love that you're on there. I noticed
you haven't really been very active.

Barely replying at all, actually.

Well, we're noticing it's really
been helpful for everybody.

Has it? Is it? Really? Is it helpful?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you think so?

I don't know if you saw.

My niece sent a great photo
of Stu and her by the lake.

That was really cute.

Cute? You think you're too good
for the chain?

You know what?
Waylan? Is that your name?

- Yeah.
- I think I'm too good for the chain.

I'm sorry you don't want to help
your friend.

It takes minimal effort just to reply.
Even a "ha-ha" or a thumbs up.

Really? Are there funny things
on there that require a "ha-ha"?

- If you read through it…
- Can I be honest with you?

- Please.
- I'm overwhelmed by this chain.

Every two minutes it's "ding!".
I'm getting a ding.

Too many dings! And what is it?

It's just these ridiculous inspirational
sentiments that amount to nothing.

They're all trite. I don't even know
why people bother to write them!

And you want me to give it
a "ha-ha"?

Or a heart. That's also an option, but
it seems like that's too much for you.

This chain is too much for me.
I want off this chain.

Once you're off the chain,
you can't get back on the chain.

Don't say that. Really?

I would text this to you,
but I know you won't read it,

so here's the real-life emoji.
There you go.

- I'll give that a "ha-ha"!
- No, ha-ha to you.

Ha-ha to you, sir.
You know, you're a real assh*le.

I'm an assh*le?

I'm the one writing "tough times remind
us that our spirits are strong"?

- Yeah, I wrote that!
- Yeah, I know you did!

Well, heart it if you like it!

- Yeah, I'll heart it.
- Is that an emoji?

That's a nice smiley face.
The praise hands.

So you know the emojis,
you just won't use them.

Nice. And a thumbs up.
Well, "ha-ha" to you, sir.

"Ha-ha" to you. Thank you. f*ck you.

- Larry! What a surprise.
- Hi.

I thought I'd come over
and pick up the violin.

I don't want to appear insensitive,
but just in case.

- I'll get a head start on things.
- No, there's no need. Freddy's here.

- What?
- Stu made a change.

- Freddy's taking the violin.
- What?

Hey! What are you doing?

- What are you doing here?
- What are you doing?

- I'm fulfilling my obligation to Stu.
- You don't get the violin.

- I get the violin.
- Stu put me in charge of the violin.

l think you're mistaken.
What's going on?

Freddy went to see Stu
at the hospital, and he got tired.

He fell asleep, and he had these
nightmares about raising Olivia.

Really?
I wonder where you got that from!

He was having nightmares!
It's all bullshit!

It's a nightmare con!

And I know, 'cause I invented it!
It's a scam!

What? A scam?

You invented the nightmare con?
Jeffs dream was all a f*cking lie?

l am so on to you
and your little friend Jeff.

- I didn't put him up to it.
- I'm gonna k*ll that fat m*therf*cker!

I brought you a kale salad
as a peace offering.

You know, it hardly has any calories.

And I'm gonna f*cking k*ll him, Larry!
And it's gonna be your fault! Enjoy.

No, no, no!
Don't even think about it!

Stop it! Put it back!
Put it back and get out!

All right.

Yeah, I'm so sorry.

Get out! I don't want either one
of you taking care of anything!

You have a lovely home.

We'll talk on the text chain.

Okay.

- Not bad.
- Yeah…

You know what?

I think you would've been
a much better dad.

Are we talking in all seriousness?
You would've been a hell of a father.

Are you kidding? Social workers
would've descended on the house

within two weeks.

Hi. I'm Renee.
We met.

I remember.

Hey, listen. About the other day,
I know it was really awkward,

but it's not even really my thing.
You know?

It's Larry's thing.
He really likes that.

Anyway, where's Larry?

- He's not here.
- Got it.

Well, I'm gonna leave this here
for him,

because someone from the gallery
is gonna be by later to box it up

before the showing,
but I wanted him to see it.

I take it.

Okay. Do you need some help?

Guess not.

Excuse me. Could I have a water?

This is your pilot speaking.
I'm sorry to report

that due to some inclement
weather in the Raleigh/Durham area,

this flight is being diverted
to Greensboro.

We'll be able to bus you
to your final destinations.

So, he jumped
right into Sheep's Head Bay.

- Can you believe it?
- That's crazy.

What the f*ck?