12x08 - The Colostomy Bag

[bunniefuu]

Welcome.

Gotcha.

Mr. David, what brings you to Georgia?

Well, I'm on trial
for the horrible crime

of giving a woman who was on line
to vote a bottle of water.

What a terrible thing.
What a terrible crime.

What a terrible crime
to give her a bottle of water.

Larry. So let's do it like
we're actually in the trial. Okay?

Which means you have to stay silent
and only answer the questions.

- Copy that.
- Thank you.

So Larry, Georgia gets thousands
of visitors a year

here to experience our beautiful
springs, our peach trees.

Well, what is it that brought you here
to Georgia in the first place?

I was offered an appearance fee
to show up at this party,

and I was told to be cordial.

- Cordial?
- And you know what?

I was pretty damn cordial,
I asked questions to people.

Does your son take piano lessons?
It's hard to get him to practice.

- They don't like to practice.
- Larry, try to stay on topic.

I'm just saying how cordial I was.

I asked about the son's piano lessons.

What else you got? I tore him
to shreds. I tore him to shreds.

I think we're done here today. Jury,
thank you so much for coming.

You may exit and deliberate
as if this was a real trial.

We appreciate your time.

And please fill out the questionnaires.
It'll help us reach a verdict.

You know, my father fought
in World w*r II, Iwo Jima.

He wasn't one of the ones
with the flag.

He was encouraging the flag holders.

Thank you, everybody. Thank you.

Yelled encouragement.
"Go, guys! Go! Up that hill!"

Larry, let's have a little chat
down here really quick.

How do you feel that went?

Frankly, I'm a little concerned
about one of the jurors.

In the garage, he saw me tossing
my keys to the valet.

I could be perceived as a big sh*t.
Nobody likes a big sh*t.

That's true. They don't like a big sh*t.

But I wouldn't worry about
this mock trial for that.

Where are you getting these jurors,
anyway?

My assistant gathers them
from the building.

You know what I think?

I think you ought to go in there
and get that guy out of there.

One second.

Because he's gonna poison
those people.

I got a great text from Abe.

Great. So everything's worked out.

Yeah, everything's been going great.

And what name did you wind up
using for the kid?

Why don't we leave our professional
and personal lives separate, you know?

Okay.

- It was Zeckelman, wasn't it?
- Yeah. Yeah, it was Zeckelman.

Yeah, that's what I thought.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Did you mind me tossing the keys
to you earlier?

No, no, not at all.

- You like a key toss?
- Absolutely.

It's human nature.
We like to catch.

And we like to toss.
People like to toss and catch. Right?

Your car's actually out in the front.
Do you want me to get it for you?

No, that won't be necessary.
I'm happy to get it.

Well, here you go, sir.

Thank you, Rodrigo.

- This is for you.
- Thank you so much.

- My pleasure.
- Thank you.

You got the salad, but I have a feeling
you're gonna be very jealous of this.

Of the sandwich?

I'm not supposed to be eating
sandwiches.

Listen.

- I'm gonna have back surgery.
- Back surgery? That bad?

Upper back.
Don't even get me started.

Anyhow, I'm gonna have anesthesia,
obviously.

Three percent chance
something'll happen to me.

So, Susie has the power of attorney.

She's in charge of all of it.

So if something bad happens to me,
I don't trust her.

You mean
she'll pull the plug too fast?

She could do it for any reason.
Who knows?

Maybe on the way there we get into
a fight, which is more than likely.

So, I want you in charge.

Well, okay.

And I don't expect you to visit me.
I wouldn't know if you're there or not.

Just come, like,
once a week and take a look.

I might not even come once a week.
I could just call up.

I'm unconscious.
What the f*ck do I know?

How we gonna do this?

We're gonna go to my attorney,
sign some papers. You're in.

Boy. That sounds real risky.

What if she finds out
we went to this attorney?

Mantle is in the same building
as my attorney.

My lawyer's in the same building
as this guy?

- Yes, indeed.
- We could say we went to mine.

Oh my God, it's perfect.

If she finds out, there's no telling
what she could do.

- She's not gonna find out.
- Find out what?

Tell her.

Find out that I was found guilty.

In his mock trial.
Can you believe that?

- What?
- Yeah. One of the jurors…

I like you eating a salad, Jeff.
Very nice.

It's delicious, and I'm enjoying it.

- Good for you.
- One of the mock jurors…

Saw me tossing keys to the valet.

And I think he got offended by it.

- He thought, "Oh, who's this big sh*t?"
- Yeah, like I was a big sh*t.

I'm not a big sh*t.
It wasn't a big sh*t toss.

Larry, a toss, you could hurt
somebody, you could injure them.

What kind of mutant can't catch a key?

You better be very careful right now.

That was only a mock trial that
you failed. Imagine a real trial.

Want to go to jail in Atlanta,
in the South?

They'll have you on a chain g*ng.

Hello?

Now?

- Okay. All right, I'll pick you up.
- Who's that?

It's Lewis. He wants to buy
this old Mercedes.

He lost his sense of smell
during COVID.

And you know, sometimes these old
cars, they have a musty odor to 'em.

- He wants your nose.
- Yeah, he wants my nose.

All right, I'm gonna take off.

Hey, you gonna finish that sandwich?

- Take it.
- All right. Thank you.

I got this Vonderdonk cheese.

I don't want it sitting in the car.
Do you mind if I keep it in your fridge?

No. Go ahead.
Put it in the cheese drawer.

Okay. I'll pick it up later on tomorrow.

All right, see ya.

He sent me a couple of pictures
of the car.

It's such a classic
and it's so beautiful, man.

- This is a rare gem.
- You like the old Mercedes.

I don't know how it's gonna really
smell, so you're my nose today.

My nose isn't so great. Disgusting
things I can smell very well.

Urine, BO, you know.

Urine I can smell from two blocks away,
but you shove a flower up my nose,

does nothing for me.
Hey, you're friends with Conan, right?

- Yeah, for a long time.
- I saw him in my neighborhood.

He moved into that Spanish-looking
house up on the circle.

l wanted to go up
and say something to him,

but l didn't want him to think I was,
you know, a nut.

You need clearance.

You need clearance
before you talk to him.

Could you get me clearance?

- I can get you Conan clearance.
- You'll get me Conan clearance?

- I'll get you Conan clearance.
- All right. Great. Thank you.

Right?
Come on. It's mint condition.

- It's a beauty.
- 1973.

l've never seen anything like it.
It's really something.

- How you feeling in there?
- This is a beauty.

This is really gorgeous, huh, Larry?

Look how good he looks in this car.

Don't be too enthusiastic.
He'll boost the price on you.

I bet that's true.
You think he's a booster?

- He could be a booster.
- Yeah, I think so.

- But it is beautiful.
- l do not want to let this car go.

If I wasn't going through
this g*dd*mn divorce…

She's not getting the car.

What do you think, LD, huh?

How's it feel? You look great in it.
Doesn't he look great in that?

It's got all the original parts.

I'm gonna go sit in it.

Yeah, yeah, try it out yourself.

- All right, I'll stop boosting.
- Come on. What took you so long?

- What took me so long?
- Yeah, I'm nodding my brains out.

Your head nod isn't any good.
I didn't know what you were doing.

What do you mean it's not any good?

A head nod,
you're supposed to go like this.

- Yeah, l did.
- No, no. You went like this.

- Like that.
- And you use your eyes, too?

- There you go.
- How come now you tell me?

Just saying
you need to work on your head nod.

So what do you think of the car, man?
I love it.

What's wrong?

There's a smell.

It smells like tobacco.

- It does?
- Yeah.

Like somebody smoked
a lot of Chesterfields in this car.

What do you think? It's great, right?
You loving it?

It's all vintage.

So what do you think I should do?

You can't pay full price.

Then I'm gonna ask him for a discount.
A smell discount.

Yeah. Good.

What's up, guys? We got a deal?

Hey, listen, man. I don't think
I'm gonna buy the car.

Why not?
What are you talking about?

He told me it smells in here.

What happened?

He brought me along 'cause
he's got long COVID, he can't smell,

and, you know, old cars,
they occasionally have a musty smell.

This has a good musty smell.

This is bad old musty,
not good old musty.

No, this is an old car smell. It's good.

I'm sorry. I smell tobacco in there.

Wait, if you can't smell, what do you
care? It's your car. It's not his car.

I can't smell it,
but if there's a smell,

then it's gonna be a bad thing for
anyone who drives in the car with me.

Get one of those pine things.

I'll buy the car, but I want
a 3,000 dollar smell discount.

You know what I smell?
I smell a scam.

"He can't smell, but I'm gonna tell him,
yeah, smells like cigarettes."

- "Why don't you knock off 3,000?"
- There's no scam.

It wasn't planned, believe me.

Come on. I'm not taking


I offered a fair price, and if you
don't want the car for that price,

then forget it. Okay?

- Want it?
- No, I don't.

- All right.
- What a sh*t day this has been, man.

Thanks a lot, Larry.

Things could be worse,
You could have a colostomy bag.

Kiss that car goodbye, huh?

Hey, do you know if DiCarlo
has a colostomy bag?

What are you smoking?
What kind of question is that?

Yeah, because I made a bad joke,
and I think I struck a nerve.

I'll ask Jeff.
Maybe he'll find out for me.

I can't wait to hear the answer.

- I hope we don't run into Mantle.
- We'll be fine.

Hello, gentlemen. Good, afternoon.
How are we doing?

- I'll meet you by the elevator.
- Mr. David. How are you?

- Good.
- Good to see you.

- So…
- Thank you.

- Yes?
- Oh, you're a valet.

Yes, I am.

You didn't like it when you saw me toss
the keys to Rodrigo, did you?

I don't want to get into this.
I'm trying to work.

I saw you look askance, though,
when you saw it.

I thought it was
kind of a big sh*t move.

- Rodrigo likes to catch.
- I doubt that.

It's a safety hazard.
You could've hit his eye.

Did you influence
the other jurors against me?

There are two people in the valet world,
sir, handers and tossers,

and you're a tosser.

Okay, Victor.
I'll be back in a half an hour.

I got to go sign some papers so I can
k*ll my friend whenever I want to.

And when I come back, I'd appreciate it
if you'd toss me my keys,

and I'll hand you your tip.

Great, I'll keep it close.

- If you'll just sign right there, sir.
- Right there?

Yes.

- I really like this pen.
- Thank you.

- This is a fantastic pen.
- It is.

I really like it.

They sign really nicely.

lf you'll just place
one more signature right there.

I mean, it's a great pen.
Where do I get a pen like this?

I'm sure you can get that
at any major department store.

You must have a lot of 'em, though, no?

Yeah, we do have a lot.

- Okay.
- So congratulations.

You now have medical power
of attorney.

That is the power to pull the plug.

You're a dead man.
Pull that plug!

Pull it!

Pull that plug, nurse!

If I may just have that pen back.
Thank you.

Well, we'll have the copy
sent to you very soon.

Thank you. Take care.

Could you believe
he didn't give me that pen?

That was unbelievable. He resisted
the "I like it" gambit.

Yeah.

"DiCarlo had stomach surgery
a few months ago."

He's got a bag. He's got the bag.

Unbelievable. What am I gonna
do now? What do I do?

Truly, I have no idea.

What can I do for this guy?
Can I buy him a new bag?

A really expensive colostomy,
a Louis Vuitton colostomy bag?

- Do they sell those?
- I don't know.

What do you think of my zipper
like this? Do you like this look?

- That's ridiculous looking.
- I kind of like it.

Look, it's two zippers. You see?

Keep the one down
and play with the top one.

- Where you guys been?
- We went to Mantle's office.

The lawyer, yeah.

- Some stuff to sign.
- So everything go okay there?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know,
sign some stuff, you know.

And by the way, it went okay

'cause I was there
for a few moments that he needed me.

You saved the day, Jeffrey, didn't you?

This has nothing to do
with his career. You're his manager.

- Yeah, but I value his opinion.
- Really?

At least somebody does.

You're Frick and Frack,
attached at the hip.

Frick and Frack, the ice-skating team
from the '30s.

- A lot of people don't know that.
- Swedish.

- I think they're Swiss.
- Is there a difference?

He doesn't know the difference
between Sweden and Switzerland.

He knows the difference.
He got confused.

- I got to pee.
- Enjoy yourself.

You underestimate his intelligence,
you know?

But he's a little smarter
than you give him credit for.

I don't think he's dumb.

No, let's not go overboard.
He's smarter than you think he is.

He's not really smart, though.

He's no genius.

- What are you looking for?
- I'm looking for the cheese.

- It's gone.
- What?

- I ate it.
- You ate the Vonderdonk?

Why'd you eat it?
It's not your cheese.

- Because it's delicious.
- It's my cheese.

Well, you left it here for a day.

I told you I was gonna pick it up
later on tomorrow. This is tomorrow.

It was in my refrigerator

and I believe possession
is nine-tenths of the law.

What's the other tenth, f*cking over
your friends and eating their cheese?

- Is that the other tenth of the law?
- Maybe.

Let me ask you a question.
If I took a nap on your couch,

could you go through my pockets
and roll me over like a drunk?

You make such a big megillah
over nothing.

I went all the way to Beverly Hills
to pick up that cheese!

Jeff, he's complaining
that the Vonderdonk is gone.

Good cheese.

- You had it, too?
- It was in a sandwich.

I made him a melt.

Who are you people?

I think it's time for you to leave.

I think you're right.

- Oh, yes!
- You're taking my pomegranate juice?

I'm taking it. It's mine.

I got the pomegranate juice,

and I'm possessing it!
It's nine-tenths of the f*cking law!

Hey, Conan! Larry David.

I know, Larry.

Did Lewis talk to you?

- I didn't hear from Lewis.
- What?

- Never heard from Lewis.
- Unbelievable.

I specifically called him up
and asked if he could get me clearance.

He didn't call me, so technically this
is a uncleared conversation.

- It's like an ambush.
- I'm very embarrassed.

I'm a little mortified, frankly.

Why would you go up to someone if you
hadn't gotten the okay from Lewis?

Because I just assumed that Lewis
was gonna get the clearance for me.

You don't assume stuff like that.

I assume this boat has plenty
of life preservers for everyone.

Oh, no, it's the Titanic, it doesn't.

This will go a lot better
once I get some clearance, I think.

Will you think about the clearance?

Sure. Yeah, I'll think about it.

You're not gonna think about it.
That's just something people say.

When they want to say no

and they let the person down
a little easier,

they say they're gonna think about it.

I don't know how many times I say,
"Yeah, I'll think about it,"

and I just want to get out of that
situation with the person.

But you won't spend
one second thinking about it.

The minute I'm gone, I'll never think
about it again.

- Totally.
- That's a great observation.

You see, if I had clearance,

these are the kind of observations
you'd be hearing all the time.

You should talk to Lewis. All right?

- Yeah.
- We good?

You got one of those
firehouse dogs, huh?

He's never been in a firehouse.
It's a stereotype.

- Can you stereotype a dog?
- Yes, you can stereotype a dog.

"Oh, that's a Golden.
He must be a really friendly dog."

"Oh, there's a Dalmatian. He must live
in a firehouse. He goes to fires."

This is the kind of conversation
I'm trying to avoid.

There's a reason this protocol's
been around

since early sound days, 1932, '33.

I read an article about somebody
approaching Fatty Arbuckle

without clearance,

and Fatty Arbuckle just broke
a beer bottle over his head.

It's been a while since I've heard
a Fatty Arbuckle reference.

What, did you just come
from Margaret Dumont's house?

- Lewis.
- I thought I had the clearance.

- We have a system for a reason.
- I'll go through the system.

Okay. Call Lewis!

I just want to apologize
for the other day and what I said.

And things just fly out
of my mouth without thinking.

- I've done it my whole life.
- You say a lot of stupid things, Larry.

- Not all jokes work.
- Not a joke to me.

I've been going through
some rough times lately.

You know about my f*cking divorce.

And all the theaters I owned,
they're going under.

Nobody's coming back to the theaters.

And then health issues.
l don't know, I'm just…

And I'm hanging on by a thread,
is what I'm saying.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna buy the car. I'm gonna
buy it. I'm buying the car.

- Larry, you don't want this car.
- I'm gonna buy the car.

- You want to buy this car?
- Yeah. I'm buying the car.

At the price that I gave to Richard?
The full price?

Yeah, yeah. The full price.

So I drive around
and there's an odor in the car.

That's nothing compared to what
you're going through.

I know what you're talking about,

but it's a smell
that you learn to live with.

Yeah, well, if you can learn to live
with what you're living with,

I could live with that, you know?

We all got a lot of baggage.

- Yeah.
- Here is your key.

You can Venmo me the money,
all right?

You could drive it out of here.
Get right in. You're gonna love it.

Okay.

Hey, could you do me a favor
and follow me home in my car,

and I'll pay for your Uber back?

I'd rather not.

Interesting.

Yeah, okay. You'd rather not.

You'd rather not.
I'll come back and pick it up.

That's a good idea.

All good?

Yeah.

When you're at a red light,
just keep your foot on the gas.

And that seat belt.
You're gonna have to get that fixed.

It's against the law.

Not in 1973.

Yeah. This is it.
Love that Vonderdonk.

Look at the front. Very presidential.
Look at that grill.

Go ahead. Sit in it.

Let me see how it feels.

This is a White man car right here,
I'll tell you that much.

Who'd you get it from, Mr. Peanut?

The m*therf*cker with the monocle
and a top hat?

You're right, though.
There is a f*cking funky smell in here.

Like someone's been smoking
for years in this bitch.

I know. That's all I smell.

Come over here.

Oh, great!

Did Marilyn Monroe f*ck JFK
in a car like this?

- Come here, you bastard.
- What?

You son of a bitch.
That's my car.

Let me explain, okay?

The guy actually has
a colostomy bag, and I felt terrible.

I felt so guilty and awful,
I had to buy the car.

I'm getting my car back. This horse
sh*t story means nothing to me.

- I don't know if it's even true.
- Let me ask you this question.

Where was my Conan clearance?

I thought you talked to him.
I had no clearance.

You left me hanging there
like an idiot.

I just want that car.
You owe it to me.

You want to buy the car?
You can buy the car back off me.

Yeah, but hold on a second.
I want the car,

but I want 3,000 dollars smell discount.

I didn't get a smell discount.

There's still an odor in the car,
isn't there, Mr. David?

You got long COVID.
You're not smelling, you're not tasting.

But I'm making improvements
in all those areas.

- You'll improve your smell?
- Yeah, I might get surgery.

- You can't get surgery for smell.
- Yes, you can.

There's a smell clinic,
but it's in Switzerland.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna go.

I want the 3,000 dollar discount,
and I want my car,

and that's the end of it.

Okay, fine, but you got to drive me
to DiCarlo's house to pick up my car.

We're gonna go in my little
new beauty over there, okay, babe?

- Did you babe me?
- I babe-ed you.

Don't babe me. Do not under any
circumstances babe me ever! Ever!

You think I feel good about it?
It slipped out.

I'll Venmo you the money.

Hey, I'm just gonna use
the charging station.

Yeah, you're good.

- How you doing?
- Toss?

- Yeah, come on.
- I don't want to be a big sh*t.

You're not a big sh*t.
Come on, toss it.

- Fun, right?
- It's fun!

He's a tosser.

So Larry, I'm going through
these jury questionnaires,

and they keep saying,
"less than cordial".

The word "repugnant"
keeps coming up.

Here's one that says you're surly,
petty.

I think we have to maybe…
We have stuff to work on.

That's what I'm thinking.

I told you that juror Vic
didn't like the key toss.

He could've influenced all those jurors.

I don't know that one person like that
can influence all the other jurors.

- Did you ever see Twelve Angry Men?
- Yeah.

Well, one person, Henry Fonda,
influenced the whole jury.

This isn't Twelve Angry Men.
There's one angry man.

He's sitting across from me.

That valet. He didn't like a catch.
Which I don't understand, frankly.

- Everybody loves a catch.
- I like a catch if it's fun.

Catching is fun.

But not if it's a surprise!
It could hit me in the face!

It wasn't a surprise catch!
That's part of the job!

You're a valet, and you toss,
you catch, you toss!

The part of the job of being a valet
is taking keys,

not having keys thrown at you
all day long.

Look, Larry, can't you see
that there's a pattern here?

You're rubbing people the wrong way.

Don't you see that?

Susie, for example, just told me
the thing about the cheese.

You left cheese there,
and you're upset that she ate it.

What is that about?

You just said it.
I left cheese in her house.

Vonderdonk cheese, by the way.
And she ate it.

Possession is nine-tenths of the law.
If you leave it there, it's hers.

That is like the dumbest thing
I ever heard.

What does that even mean?
She took my f*cking cheese.

But you left it there,
so now it's Susie's cheese.

I can't believe that you're defending
the cheese eater.

You have an issue with keys
and cheese.

You know what else I have
an issue with?

You. I want a lawyer who sides
with me in the cheese dispute.

I'm not here to defend cheese. I'm here
to defend a constitutional issue.

I'm gonna find me a lawyer
who's gonna take my cheese side.

- Hey.
- Yeah.

Catch. Ziggy Zeckelman! Not too late!

- There he is.
- Hey.

- That was fun.
- It's fun.

- For you.
- There you go. Thank you.

Oh God, Susie. sh*t! f*ck!

What the…?

It was you! You pulled the plug?
My car's dying!

- What an assh*le!
- Hey, you tossed, you lost, buddy.

Oh my God!

Jeff, call me!

Jeff, pick up!

Jeff!

sh*t. Oh my God.

Oh my God!

What?

Hey! Conan!

- Jesus!
- I know I don't have clearance.

- My car, the battery d*ed.
- This is my house.

I understand. My car broke down.
It's an emergency.

This is completely unauthorized.

Can't I get an emergency
clearance exemption?

There's no such thing!
You got to go through the levels!

I can't! It's an emergency!
Can I borrow your car?

If I don't get to Jeffs house,
she's gonna see those papers,

and she's gonna k*ll us. You don't know
what this woman's capable of.

I don't know who these people are.
I'll get you the keys.

- You can use the car. All right?
- What?

You got something on your glasses.

Thank you! That's so nice of you.

They're in my pocket.

My eye! Why'd you toss?
Who told you to toss?

- It's fun.
- Oh my God!

We're done here.

So it turns out DiCarlo did not have
a colostomy bag.

He acted like he had a bag.

How does somebody act like
they have a colostomy bag?

He had this hang dog
"I sh*t in the bag" look about him,

and he took me to the cleaners.
How's the car?

It's a beauty on the inside and out,

and it makes me so happy
that I saved money.

And I'm picking up a beautiful girl,
who's really smart.

What, you got a date tonight?

She's hip. She laughs at my jokes.
I mean, she could be the one.

It's hard to believe that
at your advanced age

you are still throwing around
terms like "the one".

What, am I supposed to just give up
and crawl under a rock?

Yes! Give up. There's no hope.

Larry, this is my first date
with this woman.

I have such a crush on her,

and I think she's gonna fall
desperately in love with me.

Which asylum are you driving to?
The one in Long Beach or downtown?

Ciao!

Where the hell's the cheese?

- Hi.
- Hiya, beautiful. Good to see you.

Thanks for coming out tonight.
What?

Oh God! It f*cking stinks in here.

What are you talking about?
It doesn't stink in here.

Hey, where you going?
Hey, what's wrong?

Hey! Come on back!

Jesus! What the f*ck, man?

Oh, Christ!