01x07 - Camp Slasher

[bunniefuu]

[dramatic music]

Why do we always
paint the cabins red?

Because if they were blue,
they'd match Tad's bag

after he didn't get any
from Cyndy last night.

[laughter]

Let's be counselors
every summer for the rest

of our definitely long lives.

[screams]

[screams] Please, no!
I told all my friends I wasn't

gonna get m*rder*d this summer!

[screams]

Sounds like you're all
getting hacked to pieces

with a machete out here.

♪ ♪

Oh.

This is why we paint the cabins red.

[groans]

[exciting music]

♪ ♪

- Hello, and welcome to my Stan Speak.
- [sighs] Another one?

He uses up all my good
boba straws as head mics.

I needs my bubble tea.

School's out,
which means as parents,

you're forced to figure out
something to do with me.

But what if there
was another way?

There is! And it's called
My Summer of Screens.

My entire vacation spent
playing indie games on Steam

while watching Mr. Beast clips,

a TikToker who lives
in a trampoline mansion,

and Stanley Tucci wearing linen

while eating his way
through Italy.

What about Camp Grimsburg?
You're old enough now.

They shut that camp down

- after the slasher outbreak.
- What?

And besides, there's
too much nature at camp.

- What? Um, a word?
- Don't move.

Yeah.
That's the plan for the summer.

- I can't believe it.
- I know. Camp Grimsburg made me who I am.

It was the single most important
character-building experience

of my life besides learning
how to beatbox without fainting.

No, I mean Stan wanting
to stay inside all summer.

I mean, you don't hibernate
this time of year.

It's unnatural.

- The idea that my half-bear kid...
- Harm, come on. He's bear-ish.

You know, culturally.

- Well, I'm going to do something about it.
- Me too. But for my thing.

I don't care
about yours as much.

Now to provide a soundtrack
to my determined walk off...

[clears throat]

♪ Let me clear my throat ♪

[b*at boxing]

[gasping]

Oh, God.

Listen up.

This week we got the Grimsburg
Spider Parade and...

Wynona, you're not a detective.

Do you need me to get
the spray bottle again?

- No, no, please, no.
- How could you close Camp...

Grimsburg?

That place made me
into what I am today.

- A big, fat loser?
- No, that's what I was when I arrived at camp.

But by the time I left,
I was a big, fat leader.

In fact, I ended up
being a counselor there,

helping to shape young lives,
and also shape clay bowls

when I filled in
for the pottery instructor

because she was off dry humping
the kayaking instructor.

And that's what
the children of Grimsburg need.

Not the dry humping,
but the life-shaping.

Sorry, Flute,
but we had to close the camp.

Too many counselors were
m*rder*d, even for Grimsburg.

Then what are we waiting for?

- Let's go up there and catch that guy.
- Oh, we caught him already.

But the slasher returned.
Then the slasher lived.

And a final chapter, a final revenge,
and a final beginning.

After he took Manhattan,
we had to shut the camp down.

And it worked.

There hasn't been a
counselor k*lled since.

Great, so he moved on.

We'll reopen the camp
and slasher proof the place

- in case he comes back.
- No!

This sounds like the
beginning of a horror movie.

Let's go up to the old,
abandoned summer camp?

Did someone say let's go up

- to the old, abandoned summer camp?
- Camp would be so fun.

- We got to go.
- Uh, wow, who are they?

The new detectives, part
of our hot recruit program.

- This department's been getting real fugly.
- [giggles] Stop.

- You're getting my boobs wet.
- You splashed my crotch first.

- Ooh! [giggling]
- Mm, mm.

Pack your stuff.
We're going to m*rder camp.

Not you, Wynona.

♪ ♪

I thought you said we
were going out for lunch.

Yes, outside.
It's just a short hike.

[eagle screeches]

Mom, you can't force an
indoor cat to be an outdoor cat.

Some cats are meant
to stay in their room

watching YouTube videos of
outdoor cats wearing a GoPro.

This just isn't me.

- I'm bad at nature.
- Oh, come on.

It's good for you
to be out here.

Nobody is bad at nature.

Ah, ah! [grunts]

Wha...

[yelping]

[groaning]

[panting]

You're OK.
We have a backup pair.

[sighs]

[bird clucking]

[ominous music]

This is where I die again.

If you do, I'll be
right here to autopsy you.

Wynona, I told you
to stay at your morgue.

It's OK.
I brought my work with me.

Hey, no fighting
because we just went

from coworkers to "co-ounselors."

Welcome to Camp Grimsburg.

Anybody got a sewing kit,
so I can let out this crotch?

[upbeat music]

OK, it's time
to slasher-proof the camp.

So if you see an item
that can be used to slice,

s*ab, skewer, hang,
fillet, or jostle,

we need to make it not be
able to do those things.

Hey, Wynona, are you my pants
at the end of "Conjuring II"?

Because you're about to get wet.

[screams]

Camp razzing, so fun.

♪ ♪

Camp hijinks.
More fun!

♪

Camp misuse of power.
The funnest!

I love being a leader.

Can't believe
Mom took all my screens.

What am I, Amish?

[distant clattering]

What's happening?
Someone better not be

stealing all our good garbage.

[ominous music]

♪ ♪

[screams]

Stan, it's OK.

Stay calm, and say
hello to your grandma.

[roars]

[screaming]

So should I cook,
or did you fill up on trash?

Ooh, my turn.

Never have I ever had
a crush on Summers.

No one?
Never?

- Haven't you ever?
- Never have I ever kissed a dead body.

OK. No more communal
coffee mugs for me.

[both giggling]

- Where are they going?
- They're gonna go play

seven minutes in heaven,

or as you call it, "what are
the other six minutes for?"

Well, they're going to miss out

on a hallowed
Camp Grimsburg tradition,

the marshmallow roast.
I'll go first.

Hi, I'm Wynona, and if I
was a Girl Scout cookie,

I'd be a Tagalong
because it's the worst cookie

and a perfect description
for what I am.

- [guffaws] Ya roasted.
- Ow!

Why don't you leave
her alone, Flute?

And why don't you tell me
what's on top of a table?

You can't because you're small,
like a peanut.

Ya honey roasted!

Also like a peanut.

I'm Summers,
and I'm annoyingly positive

- no matter what happens.
- Cool, a free marshmallow.

All right. That's it.

I'm done LARPing
this chump's childhood.

Let's go.

[distant screaming]

[dramatic music]

[all gasp]

They're dead.

Bet you're pretty glad
I came now, huh?

Looks like the slasher's back.

- And he took their heads.
- Can't blame him.

There's no way he has a hotter
pair in his head collection.

Then we're not going anywhere.

There's a k*ller on the loose,
and our next camp activity

is Capture the Maniac.

But first... flashlight tag!

You're it.
No way you're going to find me.

Are you guys even
trying to find me?

Guys? Guys? Guys?

Guys?

Guys?

Well, the slasher is back,
and just like in horror movies,

he took out the overly
sexual hotties first.

Maybe if we figure out which
trope each of us falls into,

we can get ahead
of who he goes after next.

We got the tough chick.

- What did you call me?
- The skeptic.

- Prove it.
- The scaredy cat.

- Cat, where?
- Ooh, who am I?

Oh, we already had a hot guy.

But can there be a hot leader?

What about a cool leader
or a cool, hotter leader guy

who's also the fastest?
Time me!

Uh, so who usually
gets k*lled next?

Unfortunately, the K*llers almost
always move on to minorities.

So as the token Sasquatch
of the group,

- I guess that means me.
- Actually, the four of us... oh!

Yep, she's
the only minority here.

- That's true.
- I don't see any others.

Uh, that's right.
She's stealing our America.

- Too far?
- You guys, I found footprints.

Anybody get my time on that?

[ominous music]

Oh, no, the tracks end
at the Triple Dog Dare Drop.

Should we jump,
or are we going to let

a sign tell us what to do?

- That's what signs are designed for.
- What's that?

You guys will accept me
if I jump first?

[laughs] OK.

I'm fitting in!

- All right. Who's next?
- That's it. I'm calling for backup.

- Where's my phone?
- Right here.

I took your phone,
so you could unplug.

You're all acting like
a bunch of screen-agers.

Wait, did I just coin
the hot, new phrase?

I'll trademark it
and be richer than the guy

who came up with Zoom fatigue.

I got to use one of your phones
to call my patent lawyer.

Wait, no,
sticking with the plan.

- Ow!
- Wait, my charger was in there.

My battery's about to die, and
I haven't converted to solar.

Honestly, I just need
a weekend to run the numbers,

which I'll never get to do
because I'm going to die here.

Yeah, I remember worrying
about my finances

before I had screen-ager money.

[soft music]

Aw, did your friends
trick you into jumping

off a waterfall too?

[panting]

My grandma!
She's terrifying.

Yeah, I thought
she'd be more of a Paddington,

you know, maybe a Pooh,
but she is full-on "Revenant."

Stan, don't be rude
to your grandmother.

She came here to help you
learn how to love nature.

But she's a bear. How do
you know she won't eat me?

Please.
You're much too small.

Most of your body
weight is cape.

Come on.
You can do this.

Stan, don't give in.
She's gaslighting you.

First you get some fresh air,

then your mental health
improves,

and then what happens
to me, hmm?

I lay dormant
until you accidentally see

someone get run over by a bus?

Oh, good. We're lost.

Check that slasher movie
cliché off the list.

Next it's person going missing,
and we'll be at,

"seriously, guys, it's not
funny anymore," soon enough.

Oh, and look at that,
an abandoned cabin.

- Right on time.
- Hey, there, little friend.

You want to join
the cuddle crew?

You think you can cut it?
It's a pretty cuddly crew.

Whoever lives here is a real talent.

I'm talking Maroon 5 level.

This guy's got moves like
Jagger, but for crafts.

[dramatic music]

And is obviously a psychopath,
like Adam Levine.

But look at the craftsmanship
on this popsicle stick

model of the entire camp.

Huh.
Loser's hoisted on the flagpole.

Classic camp game.
Takes me back.

[distant laughter]

This wedgie
is reversing my puberty.

[guffawing]

Aw, come on.
Those are my only clothes.

I didn't pack well.

My name's not Stinky.
It's Stinkowski.

Oh, wait, I remember him.
Stinky.

I wonder what
happened to Stinky?

He's probably still all smelly.

That's Stinky for you.

♪

So he grew up to...
oh, right.

Now I'm up to speed.

♪ ♪

[campers screaming]

Who did this to you?

- You did.
- Oh.

So, wait, can I ask you,
how much does a slasher make?

Basically, anything you find in
your victims' pockets you can keep.

Everything in their cabins
is up for grabs too.

A lot of my income comes
from reselling their stuff

on nextdoor.com.

I know, it's mostly
boomers and fascists,

but that's where
the buyers are.

Right, right, well, good seeing you.

- Catch you later.
- Not if I catch you first.

- So you created this monster, Flute?
- Well, um...

maybe.

You're always talking
about live streaming.

Here, you're literally
in a live stream.

Go!
Play with grandma.

[growls]

Uh, not to human-splain,
but the water flow is too wide.

You need an obstruction!
It's like in Minecraft.

What could we use?
Uh, oh, that could work.

Use rock.
Put there.

[growls]

She's doing it.
She understood me.

Did I just speak bear?

[soft music]

♪

Yeah!

Maybe you're right.
Maybe I am an outside kid.

Go, follow that bear
into the woods.

Just be home before winter.

No, I'm kidding.
I was trying to be a cool mom,

but I do want
to see you before then.

- Wait, you can't go.
- This is all your fault.

If it wasn't for you, those hot
recruits would still be alive... and hot.

Well, at least we finally figured out

which movie trope you are.

- You're the bully.
- Bully?

The last person
who called me that

got an atomic wedgie,
a nuclear noogie,

and a half-assed swirly
in the sink.

I was pretty tired
after the first two.

[tires squeal]

Thank you for pulling over.

We're trying to...
What the...

I know I'm unflappable,
but consider me flapped.

I didn't need
those guys anyway

because now it's very clear
which trope I am.

I'm the final girl.

And to celebrate,
I'm going to go take

a shower with lots of suds.

[tense music]

[clattering]

Wait, is somebody there?

Seriously, guys,
it's not funny anymore.

Ah!

Ahh!

♪ ♪

[yelps]

♪

Right,
we plastic wrapped the lake,

so the slasher
couldn't drown anyone.

[plastic squeaking]

[tense music]

Counselor Flute.

Remember me?

Triangle cabin, bunk 11, Stinky?

You thought it was funny when
you tricked me into sitting

on a chocolate bar
before the talent show

and told everybody my talent
was pooping in my pants.

Yes, poop is always funny.
Name a time it's not.

And don't say "during a dental
cleaning" because I got a story.

Wait, wait, please, at least
let me make it up to you.

I'll give you the camp
experience you never had,

and then you can k*ll me.

I was really planning to do
this at peak k*lling anger,

so I don't want to lose that.

But I think I can tap into it again.
OK.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[laughs]

[crickets chirping]

♪

- Have you ever, like, tongue kissed?
- Dude, I've gone all the way.

- This is the best day of my life.
- Mine too.

- But you're still going to die.
- For sure.

[phone chimes]

Are you aware that you
have four screens open?

Uh, yes, bitch. I earned it
with some great parenting.

Plus, I'm an adult,
so my brain's already wrecked.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Ms. Flute, we have a problem.

Please don't sh**t her.

- Yes, she's tasted human flesh, but...
- It's not a she.

Stan, stay calm.
You're OK.

[growls]

Mom, what do we do?

[growls]
[gasps]

I am not eating my young.
Who do you think I am,

Bear 1425
from the west-facing caves?

[growling]

Then just abandon him?

Oh, ho, ho, of course
that's your answer.

That's what you did
to me when I was 12.

And before you start huffing,

I know that's how
bears raise their young.

But I was the one
who got adopted and had

to suddenly live inside
a house when all I knew

was the outdoors.

Just like Stan has no idea
what to do out here.

Ugh!
Hang on, baby, I'm coming.

I was just trying
to do what you wanted.

And now I'm up here,
and the view's nice,

but it's way too high.

And I saw some birds and maybe
half a cloud under me.

- And that kind of messed with my head.
- No, this is all my fault.

I was worried that you were
too indoors, so I pushed you,

and that made you too outdoors.

I should have found
a happy middle ground,

one that's just right.

Oh, like in that Goldilocks story.

No, no, we don't talk about that.

Look, I need to respect
that you are an inside kid.

But you need to respect
that sometimes

it's a mom's job to push you.

I just need to find
the right level.

- How's this?
- How's what?

[screams]

Whoo!

That felt good.
Maybe too good.

[dramatic music]

Today was exactly what I
thought camp was going to be like.

I'm not sure I can k*ll you now.

Well, you won't hear
any arguments from me.

Or my dental hygienist.
She's made it very clear that

- she wants to pull the trigger.
- Oh, no, I'm going to k*ll you.

Just not right now.

Because first,
I'm gonna finally humiliate you

in front of all your friends

for the good old-fashioned Camp
Grimsburg marshmallow roast.

I'll go first.

Looks like you've gained
some weight, Flute.

What have you been doing
since camp, eating other camps?

- Ya roasted!
- Ow!

So who's next?
Come on.

I know you all hate him.
Roast him!

No, I won't let you
subject them to that.

It's way too hard
to come up with anything

- but compliments for me.
- You are pretty stupid.

Your mustache has food in it.

You're off-putting socially,
personally, hygienically.

Clearly, they're grasping at
straws here, so I'll roast myself.

Hmm, what to say about myself?

Hey, Flute,
when you meet a date,

do you say,
"Your ex's basement or mine?"

[laughs]
I'm roasted.

Hey, Flute, the gorilla cage
at the zoo called.

It wants its stench back.
I'm roasted.

Hey, Flute, a cage actually can't
make a phone call, idiot.

- I'm roasted.
- No, stop.

This isn't how it goes.

It doesn't hurt if you're in on it.

Maybe not,
but does this hurt?

Potato b*mb,
my partner, pronto!

♪

Oh.

♪ ♪

Oh.

♪

Now let's see the twisted,
malformed visage

that matches
your hideous, gnarled soul.

[gasps]
The super hot recruit!

But we saw your hot, dead body.

You saw "a" hot,
dead body with no head.

You'd be shocked
what influencers

will do if you promise
you can increase engagement.

I guess you guys were right.

We should have kept
this place closed.

Sorry I bullied you all
into coming up here.

Well, we did learn
a little about ourselves.

Yeah, I learned that the scaredy
cat could end up being the hero dog.

And I learned
that even though I'm

not technically one of the g*ng,
I'm still one of the g*ng.

And I learned
that k*lling is not OK,

no matter how badly someone
embarrassed you as a child.

- Thanks, guys.
- And that is what camp is all about.

- Uh, Flute?
- Hold on.

I learned I was a bully,
and now I want to change that.

- Flute.
- Quiet.

And so we all came up to camp
one person, but we're leaving...

- Flute, he's getting away.
- Right.

But we're leaving
as different people.

Come back.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Hey, guys.
So I caught a fish.

- Oh, that's great, sweetie.
- No, I'm not talking to you.

I'm talking to my Stan stans,
all two of them.

Sorry, guys.

Now, let's attach
a GoPro to this thing

and flush it down the toilet.

Yeah, there's no way that'll fit.

I tried flushing something
that size earlier.

Did not go well.

Oh, I love Grimsburg in the summer.

- Smells like French fries.
- Yeah.

You can really smell
the power station tonight, huh?

[tense music]

♪ ♪