Easter Bloody Easter (2024)

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Easter Bloody Easter (2024)

Post by bunniefuu »


You sure no one's gonna

come in here?

Uh, Easter ain't for a week.

Plus, I think

I can take a church lady

in hand in hand combat.

You know I like to see that.


I thought

you gave up sweets for lent.

I thought you gave up sex.

Well, I still can.

I'm not gonna show up

to prom with my boyfriend

looking like

a busted can of biscuits.

Put this on.

I want you to f*ck me

like some muffin type Jesus.

I always knew

that I would lose my virginity

in a church storage room.


That's a freaky decoration,



You're scared

of this dead old thing?

What was that?

It was just a bunny, doofus.

Aw! So cute.

Oh, my Jesus!

Hey, yo.

It's Lance. Leave a message.


It's been over a week.

Call me, text me.


Just tell me you're alright.

The hell, girl.

I know Janet wasn't

the best hairdresser,

but that doesn't mean you

can show up

to the poor girl's funeral

looking like

a half big buckle bunny.

I'm not going.

Uh, what?

Why not?

That poor Pinewood family,

those teenagers last week.

Now Janet and her dog.

I'm just waiting for the call.

Hey, hey. Nonsense.

Lance is just on another one

of his benders

probably picking up some KitKat

floozy at the Waffle Queen.

Oh, sweetie, I'm kidding.

Look, you're worried about Lance

and I'm worried

about my best friend.

-One is fine.

-Hmm. Well good.

Then get dressed.

Nothing to cheer girl up

like a funeral.

And although

we don't understand

why these att*cks

keep happening,

we must keep our faith

and stick together

as a community.

Thank you, Pastor.

f*cking Marylou.

As head of the church committee,

I just wanted to say

that we are all heartbroken

to hear the passing

of such a sweet, sweet soul.

-Oh, and Janet.

-Such icons.

But today is Good Friday,

so let's not get too bummed out.

Okay? Now come on.

That's not the enthusiasm

I'd expect

the week of Easterpalooza!



It's the only thing

this miserable town

has to look forward to.

We kick it off today

with the Good Friday Fish Fry.

And, of course,

tomorrow is the bunny hop dance.

And Sunday is the grand finale,

the Easterpalooza,

Easter Egg Hunt.

Please note

the parking lot is reserved

for church committee

members only.


And we all remember last year

when things went south,

when a few rowdy children

ruined the hunt

for the rest of us.

As such, there'll be

a ten egg limit per child.


You know, God is watching over

this Easter egg hunt.

In fact, he's always watching.

Seeking out the sinners

of the world,

preparing his perfect justice.

I know

I shouldn't be encouraging

your downward spiral,

but boy do I love to see

Marylou pissed off.

But let's have some fun,

shall we?

It's time to fish fry!

Stop it!

Did you know that fish

don't even have vocal chords?

Kinda wish

Marylou didn't either.

You need to stop

watching so many nature shows.

No way!

Really gets Jim and I

going during foreplay.

Oh, my. Shh.

Sorry. Holy water.


Every year

it turns more into a circus.

Come on, fish fry. Come on.

Save mommy a seat. Okay?

Okay. Bye guys.

I'll be right there.

Come on. We gotta get to the

bread pudding before Marylou.

I swear that woman

eats like a mammoth

and somehow

never puts on a pound.

I might just go home.

Oh, hell no!

We're not gonna let Lance

run Easter for us.

We're gonna fish fry.

We're gonna bunny hop.

And on Sunday we're gonna find

some damn eggs because it's fun.

Yes, ma'am.

Christ will rise again, Jeanie,

and so will Lance.

You'll see.

Hi, y'all

Sally, go get the punch bowl.



Annie Sue.

What a touchy eulogy.

Janet looked so beautiful

in her casket.

Someone else

must have done her hair for one.

You're bad.

Jeanie! It's the funniest thing.

You know,

I thought I heard you making

disrespectful sounds

while I was speaking earlier.

Me? Disrespectful?


we better go check on our kids.

Come on, honey.

Even though you two were

too busy to help out this year,

I think it's gonna be

the best Easter yet.

Which is a good thing

'cause Annie Sue over here

is gunning for my position

as head of the church committee.

I hate you

so much you stupid cow.

Oh, not as much as I hate you.

Oh, she's fun.

So where's that tall,

handsome glass of bourbon

that you call a husband?

No! Jeanie!

Oh, no. He's left you. Oh.

Bless your heart. Wow.

You two used to be the dream

couple back in high school.

Funny how life turns out,

isn't it?

Well, if you're ever lonely,

you are always welcome

at Funko nights.

Do not show up

without an appetizer.

There's my wifey. Hey, honey.

I'm the luckiest girl

in the world.

You're so sweet it makes me fit.

How's it going, Eugene?

It's going alright.

I can't complain none.

And business

has been doing great

ever since

the Pinewood course shut down.

But Jeanie, something's been

ticking me off today.


I've had this piece of food

stuck in my teeth all day,

and I've been poking at it

and poking at it with my tongue

and the darn thing

doesn't seem wanna budge none.

I just love to hear you

talk and talk

-and talk and talk and talk.


Holy jumped up

bald headed Jesus paling me.

I'm so sorry, honey.

I'm just all elbows

no forearm today.

Oh, geez.

Oh, it's fine, Eugene.

It's not like I've been planning

this outfit all freaking year!


Man, it's gonna put me

in timeout for weeks.

Give me your sweater.

You want any other parts

of my outfit?

That's a good thing about

your husband leaving,

eh, Jeanie?

You don't have to deal

with man's nonsense.

Hello! Earth to Jeanie.

Um, yeah.

Space Cadet.

Who's ready

for fish fry?

Do you know how much it costs

to replace

a stained glass window?

Cost me a chat with Marylou.



I'll be right there.

Hey! Jeanie!

What's going on?

Mrs. Cooper.

This your husband's car?

It is. Where's Lance?

Is he okay?

I was hoping you could tell me.

Any idea where he was headed?

I couldn't say.

Been around here for miles.

Looks to me

like a drunken joy ride.

You wouldn't say that

if you knew Lance.

Man is completely joyless.

When's the last time

you saw him?

Last Thursday night.

Hmm. Same night

those kids got k*lled.

What happened here?

My guess is a bear

by the size of it.

Unreal. I mean...

Miracle he was able

to walk away from it.

However, walking away

makes this a hit and run.

That's a crime in all 50 states.

My husband's not a criminal.

I think he's in trouble.

I think your

husband is the trouble.

That said, I'm gonna need you

to follow me on down

to the station.

Uh-huh. Sure, no problem.


Don't worry, Mrs. Cooper.

Lance will come home.

Either on his own accord

or in shackles.


Hey, we'll find him Jeanie.


"In shackles."

I'll shackle him.

I know more about handcuffs

than that smoked piece

of applewood whatever could.

I'm sporting

applewood right now.

Sam, we almost

peppered your dumbass.

Oh, we still can!

Y'all looking for Lance, right?

You know where he is?

In a manner of speaking,

this ain't no fender bender.

No, ma'am.

This here is supernatural.

Oh, here we go.

Jeanie, don't listen

to a single thing

this f*cking

Looney Tunes has to say.

It ain't what I have to say

is what I got to show.

Je-- Jeanie, no!

Hey! If he shows us his nut sack

I'm ripping it off.

Goddammit, Sam!

Look at that.

What the f*cking f*ck?

Jackalope, baby! Woo!

Yes siree.

The great horned rabbit.

Attracted to whiskey,

repelled by stove pipes.

150 years ago this town

was ridded of its evil.

Now he has returned.

Lepus cornutus.

Lance's car,

it was covered in fur

and blood and--


And my bet is

when we find that jackalope...

we gonna find Lance.

Okay. Say you're right--

Seriously, Jeanie,

you're gonna believe a guy

who wallpapered

his double wide with tin foil?

I don't know what to believe.

People are dying all over town.

There's f*cking

giant bunny prints.

And I found

this in my husband's car.

Sam, focus. How do we find it?

We gotta figure out

who he is first.

Them jackalopes

is a shape shifter,

like a werewolf.

Human one moment--

-Bunny deer the next?

-Bingo gringo.

Okay, I can't believe

I'm even asking this,

but how does one become

a jackalope, Sam?

Same way anything

becomes anything else, Carol.

Vampires, werewolves,

it has to come from a bite.

So, it bites you and then--

Nuh, you have to bite it.

Who the hell

is biting a jackalope?

Someone juicing for power...

glory and the intoxicating

feeling of becoming

something greater than human.

And he ain't gonna stop until

he's satisfied hims blood lust.

Soon, every rabbit

within 20 miles gonna

be at his beck and call.

A f*cking bunny army?

We have to team up.

Form a posse

and pray that when we find him,

he ain't smarter than us.

Well, if us include you,

that won't be a challenge.

Come on, Jeanie,

we gotta go meet the sheriff.

- Yeehaw.

- Get down!

What was that?

I knew it.

The jackalope

has come for us all.

We're done for!

Save yourselves!



- Sam!

- Yeehaw.

Jeanie. Jeanie.

Thank God.

This little guy's not joining

any bunny army, is he?

Just f*cking throw something!

Holy f*cking sh*t, Carol.

Oh, my God.


What the f*ck, Jeanie!

I k*lled it.

Let's just put it down.

Put it--

We gotta go to the sheriff.

We gotta tell him.

Tell him what, Carol?

That my husband's been abducted

by a giant furry rabbit?

And I just-- just k*lled

one of its demon minions?

Fair point.

Carol, Sam said

that it att*cked the town

150 years ago.

The only thing

in town that old is the church.

That's where

those kids got k*lled.

The first att*ck. Of course.

Carol, if there's answers,

they're gonna be there.

So if this maniac is right

and there is a jackalope,

that doesn't mean you can

just go f*cking with the law.

f*ck the law!

Lance is missing.

And the only way

we're gonna find him

is through the jackalope.

Now you're either

with me or you ain't.

sh*t, Jeanie!

You know, f*ck it!

We've already shared

everything else in life.

We might as well share

a prison cell too.

That's my girl.

-Now take me to church.


Shut up.

Go, go, go. Go, go.

Poor horny, dead kids.

Ooh, cotton candy!

Hey, focus!

We're here to get clues

to help find Lance.

Who's to say

cotton candy ain't a clue?

Hey, look at this.

Ooh, musty and crusty.

Agnes Turner.

Listen to this.

"Dearest Lord,

my poor sweet children

are riddled with the pox.

Each day short and precious.

Easter is but a week away

and I'd do anything

to make it special for them.

I confess...

I've bartered my soul to Satan."

sh*t, that's

a good mom right there.

Oh, Goddammit!

Someone really is snacking

on 19th century taxidermy.

Oh, Jesus savior, pardon me.

Sam, I will never

doubt you again.


Carol, the Easterpalooza.

Everyone's gonna be together.

-We've gotta go get help.



You-- You should have

seen it, Phil.

I-- I fought that creature off

with my bare hands, man.

Fur and blood

and viscera everywhere.

I made the ladies

wet with gratitude.

That is until they...

succumbed to the beast's fury.

Well, I'm sure

it was a sight to see.

By the beard of St. Peter.

Surprised to see us

alive, boy?

Whiskey is on the house

for bringing

this weasel down a notch.

Hey, Jeanie, check this out.

Very cool, Phil.

Oh, Mr. Mayor.

Just the scumbag

we were hoping to see.

Ladies, to what do I owe

this pleasure?

Hi, Lou.

Oh, Lou, is it?

We're here

as concerned citizens.

Oh, I see.

I-- we think

you should seriously

consider postponing

the Easterpalooza this year.

That's a good one.

Thank you for that. I needed it.

Now come on.

Join me for a drink. Hmm?

I'm serious, Lou.

People are dying,

there's no time for a party.


Ladies, ladies,

I hear what you're saying,

but people die every day.

I mean, Walburg Easter

only happens once a year.

Look at this.


-The jackalope.

It's doing the same thing

it did 150 years ago.

That's folklore.

Something we used to get the,

uh, tourists into town.

Now, look, I'm off the clock,

trying to enjoy a drink.

Why don't you just--

Lance is missing

and I'm really f*cking worried.

And I'd appreciate if you looked

at the g*dd*mn photo.


I'm sorry about Lance.

I truly am.

But now it's not

the time or the place

to be starting trouble.

It's Easterpalooza.

And besides it's, uh--

- Election year?

- Selfish prick.


you're not gonna help me?


Well, thank you, Mr. Mayor,

for solidifying my repulsion

for local government.


Another successful fish fry.

No one even noticed

they was frozen fish sticks

from the Food Mart.

And no one even

noticed your Botox, Annie Sue.

Maybe by next Easter,

eyebrows will be able

to move again.

Now go feed

Big Jackie before you leave.

He must be hand fed,

he doesn't eat off the ground

unlike you,

you dirty, dirty tramp.

I may be a tramp,

but at least I don't covet

thy neighbor's husband.

Pretty sure

that's one of the big ten.

Everything's in there.

Change of clothes, toothbrush.

I put some coconut water

and fries in there for Jeanie

and a couple of extra batteries

in case you miss me tonight.

Thanks, babe.

I know tonight

was supposed to be our--

Don't worry about it.

You and Jeanie are on a mission.

Whatever you need to do, do it.

Well, promise me

you and the kids

will stay inside tonight.

You want my club?

You know, for protection?

For entertainment?

You dirty, dirty caveman.

What? No!

Oh, Sally,

you're a miracle worker.

God bless you.

We got Carrot Cake.


No! Carrot Cake.

Hello, most renowned

Easter theme band

west of the Mississippi?

-They're legends.

-Holy pastrami.

That's good news, baby.

I'm just so relieved

that everything

is coming together.

Things have been so stressful

ever since Annie Sue

started running against me

on the church committee.

Honey bunny,

you know, I hate it

when you're stressed out.

You know, your happiness...

that's my number one

priority in life.


Yes, ma'am.

You hear about Jeanie?

Sounds like

Lance left her for good.

I know.

It's just so sad, isn't it?

But you know, Jeanie,

she's a very pretty girl

and I'm sure all them stags

are gonna be lining up

trying to stampede

her pasturelands, oh!

I beg your pardon?

Nowhere near

as beautiful as you, Marylou.

That's right.

Now off to bed with you.

Yes, ma'am.

-Good night.

-Nighty night.


Good girl, Pooky.


come and find your Guinevere.

Mrs. Cooper, you never

showed up at the station.

Please call me back


I promise you don't

want me to come look--

Okay, Miss Outlaw McGee,

sing me a bedtime lullaby

with your guitar.

Music just makes me sad now.

Lance wished

I never stopped playing.


we're gonna find him, Jeanie.

Maybe there's something

in this old hag's diary.

"Dearest Lord,"

oh, blah, blah, blah.

"Sick kids, blah, blah, blah."

Oh, "I bartered my soul to Satan

so the true

Easter Bunny can come

and bring joy

to my sick children

before they wither to dust."

-Holy sh*t!

-I know.

That got dark fast.

Do you know what this means?

Yeah, thank God

for the smallpox vaccine.

Agnes got what

she bargained for, Carol.

This could be the diary

of the first jackalope.

Our town is at last free.

We must pray

our descendants take heed.

Lest this jackalope,

lest this creature...


and condemn this world...


a bloody Easter.

Agnes, you freaky bitch!

And now someone in this town

is locked on her face

like a piece of jerky?

Well, that's obviously Marylou.

Come on.

I'm serious. Marylou is Satan.

Her and her church committee

totally b*rned down

that Frosty Freeze

for staying open

late on Sundays.

She tried to steal Lance

from you back in high school.

Oh, and I still have that scar

from her Tupperware party.

All very true.

But do you really think she's

going around k*lling people?

Marylou could

definitely k*ll people.

Nerve that bitch!

Here, eat.

f*cking stupid

fat little piece of vermin.


Eat, dammit!

I hate you.

And your stupid mom.

I f*cking hate Easter,

Church Committee.

I hate you

and your filthy little paws.

f*ck you! f*ck you!





Jeanie! Jeanie!

Jeanie! Jeanie!

God, you scared

the sh*t outta me.

Lance, he was--

Never mind.

We gotta go find Marylou.

My daddy says the best way

to keep out a serial k*ller

is a solution,

three parts pig blood,

one part ammonia.

Ladies, we did not allocate

time for dilly dallying.

-But I am so scared.

-Then why are you smiling?

This is just my face.

Another att*ck. Who was it?

It was Annie Sue.

Thank God. I mean--

You ain't

the only one celebrating.

Uh, hey, Sally.

Where's your other half?

Marylou comes and goes

as she pleases, but it's fine.

I don't mind doing all

the work for none of the credit.

Speak of the devil-lope.

Look at this.

Oh, Sally,

you've done a wonderful job.

Padlock is on, honey.

Hi, girls.

Hi, Marylou.

I came to talk to you.

Is this about

the bunny hop dance?

I noticed you haven't

bought tickets yet.

No, this is about where you were

when those kids d*ed

or where you were

when the Pinewood family pa--

I was here planning

the biggest event of the year,

which some psychopath

is determined to destroy.

And Annie Sue?

I don't like

what you're implying.

Honey. Honey bunny...

You know what, Jeanie,

maybe you should spend a little

less time playing detective

and a little more time saving

that failing marriage of yours.

Lest Lance comes

looking for greener pastures.

You know what, Marylou?

You're right. Carol.


Do you think

you can get me juice box or--

or that kind of fruit cup?

Maybe I could make it.

My girls.

Well, something tells me

we ain't gonna be

wrapping Easter presents.

We're gonna get that ninja.

Sweet. Yeah, super normal.

And you never thought my nature

shows would come in handy.

Shh! Here she comes! Get down!


- Where's my husband, rabbit?

- I ain't no rabbit.

Prove it, bunny bitch!

We hunt the same game.

Now put

those scissors down, Jeanie,

before I alter your ass

like a loose patching gown.

-Megan Jennings?

-In the flesh.

I thought you moved to Wyoming.

I also heard you're vegan now.

And you know what else is vegan?


I came back

to k*ll that m*therf*cker.

But if y'all wanna

stand in my way, go right ahead.

I ain't got no problem

starting with the both of you.

Oh, Miss Teen Walburg

over here talking sh*t.

Come with me

if you cottontails wanna live.


-Whatever you say.

Yeah, okay.

You sure have a lot of

weaponry for a pageant queen.

I'm not that girl anymore.

I'm the warrior who's gonna help

save this piece of sh*t town.

Sorry, pumpkin, I was wondering

if your friends

were gonna stay for dinner.

Sloppy Joes and Tots.

Real family of warriors you got.

I'm adopted.

So Miss Town Savior...

you know who the jackalope is?


They might not even know

what they are yet.

Young jackalopes are prone

to memory loss and confusion.

Who wants Bagel Bites?

-Oh, I love Bagel Bites!


Wha-- Monster shows up

and there's no time for a snack?

Thank you, sir.

Don't make a difference to me.

A monster's a monster

and I'm gonna k*ll it.

Then you can have another foot

for your creepy blood necklace.

Where'd you get the foot?

-A jackalope.


-I mean when? Recently?

-Summer. Why?

Jackalope has half a foot

then maybe it does

in human form.


Really gonna have to

start from scratch for you two.

Its limbs regenerate.

One could be smaller

than the other

if it's still growing,

but that's a long sh*t.

Well, then maybe

the person we're looking for

has half a foot.

It certainly would be easier

to k*ll it

-in its human form.

-Well, then that's it.

- That's what we look for.

- This is fun.

Guess where every Walburgonian

is gonna be tonight?


Looks like we're going

to the bunny hop dance, ladies.

Please welcome the fabulous,

the irresistible

Miss Beatrice Bunny.

That is one sexy bunny.

Do you honeys know

what time it is?

It's time for bunny hop!

Play the piano.

Hop, hop, hop.

Hop, hop, hop.

Hop, Hop.

Hop, hop, hop.


What's up, Walburg!

Carrot Cake is starting!

Are you ready to rock?


We rock you!

When I say Carrot,

y'all say Cake.

- Carrot!

- Cake!

- Carrot!

- Cake!

Let's go!

Hey, not till we find that foot.

Even if Marylou has

regular sized feet,

I'd still waterboard her.

If I know Marylou,

her feet are f*cked.

Y'all ready?

Let's do this.

Hi, sweetie.

Damn, Jeanie,

is your dress made

out of the night sky or what?


-No, thank you, ma'am.


I've been looking everywhere

for you.

I thought you were banned

from church related functions.

So you know the risk I'm taking

by being here.

Look, I found something.

Is it Lance?

Well, no.

Then I'm busy.

Well, hey there, Jeanie.


Hey, can I have, uh,

two appletinis, please?

I'd know better,

I suspect you're obstructing

my investigation,

Mrs. Cooper.

Rest assured,

when all said and done...

someone's gonna be behind bars.

Happy Easter.

That's good, brother. Thank you.

Oh, Mr. Mayor. Carrot?

Ah, don't mind if I do.

Good for the old eyesight.

Oh, damn that shoe size. Damn.

Touch the shoes, lose that hand.

My goodness, Jeanie. Watch it.

Jeanie, are you okay?

What's up with your foot, Sally?

None of your business.

Get over here.

Put your hands up.

Don't move.

All right. Thank you, Walburg!

Happy Easter! Let's go!

Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake!

Carrot Cake!

Carrot Cake! Carrot Cake!

- Nine and a half?

- Yes.

Hey, excuse us.

Hey, I think I found the foot.

Amazing. Where's Jeanie?

Oh, come on.

The one time

you want her to be at the bar.

Come on.

And he shall cast them

into the furnace of fire.

There'll be wailing

and gnashing of teeth.

Uh, Matthew 13:42.

Oh, thank you, your holiness.

But we'll--

we'll take it from here.

Hey, it's Sally. We got her.

Are-- are you sure?

I-- I could've swore I--

Come on! We gotta go get her.

Show us your foot.

But... why?

No! Not Mr. Hoppers!

Hey, you're gonna be next

if you don't start showing us

some toes.

Hey, hey, hey.

Leave this girl alone.

But she's got

a tiny monster's foot.

She got her foot caught

in a hay baler

when she was ten years old.

Don't you think

she feels freakish enough?

Lou, jackalope has half a foot--

Jeanie, enough!

They were animal att*cks.

Clear and simple.

But fine.

If I had to figure

someone to be guilty,

wouldn't be anyone here.

It'd be the person

who's missing.

Think about that.

How you doing, Walburg?

Not right now, Sally.

It's time to judge

the funny bunny costume contest.

As we all know,

the winner gets to be

the Easter Bunny

at tomorrow' celebration.

All right, so let's meet

our contestants.

Let's hear it for contestant A!

Look at you!

What about

contestant B?


You guys have me standing

next to a dead guy?

I warned all of you.

Now have a taste

of God's justice.

I implore you all

to cease your sinful ways.


We've been celebrating

his glory.

Open your eyes, Marylou.

God is not happy.

God better be happy

'cause I have been working

my ass off for him.

We will be all punished.

It is the end of days!

All right. All right.

Everyone let's just calm down.

I mean,

accidents happen.

You know, stress,

that's the real k*ller

in this country, as you can see.

Tell you what,

why don't we let the authorit--

I mean, my office...

...look into this and, uh,

y'all just head on home,

get a little sleep.

That way we're all bright eyed

and bushy tailed

for the main event.

Ain't that right, Marylou?

That's right,

Mayor Lou.

Have a blessed evening,


Everything-- everything's fine.


Thank you. Get home safe.

-So, I guess we should--


-Oh, God!

-It's okay.


Well, that sure as sh*t

didn't go as planned.

What now?

I'm going home. It's over.

-You're just gonna give up?

-What about Lance?

You heard what the mayor said

in there about him.

Lance has nothing

to do with this.

Look, I know

you wanna defend him,

and I get that.

But for the past few years,

Lance has been nothing but lazy,

mean and drunk.

So what?

You think Lance

is guilty now too?

Megan said memory loss

and confusion.

Guess who keeps waking up

in weird places

not knowing

how the hell they got there?

Sweetie, it's called

sleep deprivation.

It's also called

drinking too much.

And besides you have

two gorgeously proportion feet.

-Jeanie. Jeanie.

-Let her go.

-You don't think--

-She just needs to sleep it off.

I'll post up outside her place.

Keep an eye.

sh*t! You're my ride, Megan!


Well, Easter is ruined.

-I'm ruined.

-Don't say that.

A bloody male corpse

is a central theme

of every Easter.

It's very on brand.

Hey, those are for the town!

Yeah, well, Pooky is eating it.

Pooky is the gosh darn

love of my life.

And what have you done for me

lately, husband?

Now stop breathing all over

my culinary achievements

and get out!

on my heart.

That's okay.

I can't do it.

About time.

Goddammit Sam!

You gonna get somebody k*lled.

I tried to tell you

at the dance,

I am this close

to finding its layer.

Okay, I've been doing

a lot of research.

I found all these old articles

from the first time

this happened.

Kids, Jeanie, kids are next.

Then go k*ll it.

Get on with it then.

Well, but I thought

that you know, you wanna come.

You thought wrong, Sam.

I don't have time

for your theories.

You're a freak!

Lance is the only one

who likes you and he's gone.

So get the hell off my porch

and leave me the f*ck alone!




It's not me!

It's not me!

It's not me!

It's not me!


-You're alive.

-Am I?

What are you doing?

I'm looking for

something I left behind.

Oh, Lance, I've been so worried.

Why is that, huh?

You did this to me.


You've been pushing me away.

You've been pushing me away

for a long time.

I wanna fix this.

-Please, please tell me--

-You can't!

You know, I was about

halfway to New Mexico.

I had to turn around,

I had to look you in your eyes

so you could see

the man that you broke.

Damn it, Jeanie,

how could you lay in that bed

after what you did?

-I haven't.

-How am I supposed to believe

anything that you say?

-Lance, please, we can--

-Don't f*cking touch me!

Here, bunny, bunny.

Here, bunny FuFu

hopping through the street.

Come and meet my crossbow,

and die at my feet.

You have no idea

what it's like to be betrayed

by the only woman

you ever cared about.

Oh, Lance.

I tried to pull myself up!

Feels like my heart's

being ripped out of my chest.

You're gonna have to do better

than that, you furry fucker!

We can get through this.

We can get through

anything if we just talk.

I have nothing

left to say to you, Jeanie.

Well, you can't

just leave without me,

letting me say my piece.

I am done

listening to you.

The only thing left to do now...

is to k*ll that son of a bitch!

No, Lance, please wait.

Don't. Wait. Wait.

Lance! Lance!

Megan. No, Megan.


Marylou doesn't like running.

I don't know if I wanna do this.

That's too bad,

the actual winner of the contest

was brutally m*rder*d

so you are all we got.

So listen here Josh boy,

this is a great honor.

Your whole life has been

leading up to this moment.

Bring honor to Palooza.

Being the gosh darned

Easter Bunny.

Now I want you to say it,

"I am the Easter Bunny!"

I am the Easter Bunny.

I am the bunny!


Now I want you to go out there,

show those kids some wonder.

All I have

is wonder in my heart.



Okay, this will be fun.

Bunny hands.

Who wants to meet

the Easter Bunny?


All right,

come on, let's go find him.

Come on, let's go find him.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Hey! Stop it!

Or I'm gonna shove these baskets

so far up your rectum

you would sh*t liquid

for a month.

Hey, hey, where the hell

have you been?

Is this Megan's jacket?

Y'all need

to get the hell out of here.

The jackalope,

he's targeting kids next.

And Lance's back.

Did he f*cking

do something to you?

No, he didn't do this to me.

I did this to him.


I cheated.

-That's why he left.


When? How? What the hell?

I know. It's all my fault.

But I don't wanna do

any more damage.

There's no damage. sh*t!

You think he's the jackalope?

I don't know,

it just all makes perfect sense.

But I've gotta stop him now.

He's not here, honey.

What about Lou?

Yo, Lou.

Mr. Mayor!

Lance Cooper

as I live and breathe.

I was wondering when we'd have

ourselves a little chat.

Oh, good,

nothing worth the while

would come out

of your mouth anyway.

Probably why Jeanie

came around looking for

a little something extra.

Son of a bitch! Son of a bitch!

Jeanie deserves

better than both of us.

Well, honestly,

you can have her.

She's gone little batshit

since you left anyway.

Do you mind?

Well, you need

to take it easy, cowboy.

Don't make me split

that pretty little head in two.

Show everyone here

how little there is inside.

You know what, leave

the family heirlooms alone.

I'm gonna

step outside for a jiff,

let y'all figure that out.

-I've been doing her a favor.

-Get on with it.


you gotta get out of here.

Jim, it's time to go!

Oh, but I haven't.

Come on.

That's unusual.




Come on!

Save Easter!

f*ck Easter!

- Cheers!

- Cheers.


Not the Bagel Bites!

Holy hell! Sally?

Not my pearls.

Oh, my God!

What happened? Talk to me.

Bunnies. Bunnies of hell!

Jesus! You, come on.

We gotta do something.

You got this, cowboy,

I-- I'm gonna stay

right here with her.

-The girl needs looking at.

-sh*t, man, gimme your g*n.

A gentleman is never

parted with his p*stol.

Mr. Mayor, so chivalrous.

Well, the captain

goes down with his ship.

Captain. My captain.

sh**t it!

It's not loaded.

f*cking Easter.

Please, no, no, no, no.

You-- you can't k*ll me,

Easter Bunny.

f*cking Easter.

Oh, God.

Come on.

We gotta help those people.

Lance, it's not you.

- You are not him.

- What? Huh? Come on.

Get the f*ck out of here.


No! Lance!

No! No! No!

-No! No!



Ah! f*ck.

What can I give of myself

to be pardon for their sins?








I knew I'd find you.

Oh, Sam, you beautiful assh*le.

Oh, I missed you, buddy.

Hey, looks like

the jackalope has chosen you

for a special execution.


are you lucky or what?

Yeah, I'm a real

lot winner, Sam.

My leg's busted.

I-- I can't walk.

No problemo, friendo.

Okay, lay of the land...

Huh, hey, we got kind of

a tricky landscape here.


It's like three feet.

Hey, you know I never

made it out of Walburg.

Just, give me a second

to figure this out.


Okay, sun's there, which means--

sh*t, you know what?

I'm gonna go get help, okay?

-Two seconds.

-Wait, Sam!

Sam, you--

you can't leave me here.

Sam, wait! Wait!



f*cking Marylou.

Oh, just k*ll me!

I have nothing

to live for anyway.

That monster bopped

my sweet Pooky on the head,

and sent her to the good Lord.

Oh, Pooky.

Marylou, I promise she's

in a much better place, okay?

I-- I really, really mean that.

Code red! Code red! Code red!

I found Lance. I found Lance.

He's over the yonder.

He's in the creek bed.

He's in real bad shape.

Take us

to him right now.

See, I knew y'all needed me.

-Oh, I'm coming too.

-No, you're definitely not.

What kinda help

could you possibly be?

This kind.

Jesus, Marylou,

are you in some kind of

militia for Christ?

Um, is that a grenade?

g*ns don't k*ll people, I do.

Sam? Sam? Sam, is that you?

Son of a bitch.

Oh, hey there, Lance.

No, it's not Sam, it's me.

Oh, you Eugene, thank God.

Well, well, well

twisted my tongue to licorice.

Don't tell me

that old football ACL injury

- is acting up on you.

- Yeah.

Give me a hand now, would you?

I mean...

as long

as you say the magic word.

Come on, jackass.

Quit playing around.

Help me out.

Those ain't

the magic words at all.


they go a long way.

It ain't jackass, jackass.


You're the--



And you're sh1tting blood eggs?

Hey, I dug a hole first,

and it's perfectly

f*cking natural!

Now I know

what you're thinking, Lance.

I did all this for love.

Every year

she works herself into a tizzy

over this collusion nonsense.

And everyone

in this God forsaken town

makes her miserable.

And what about me?

But I never did

a thing to Marylou.

She lusts for you.

And now that that filthy

Pooky is gone,

and you gone,

she'll have no choice

but to let me back

in her bed forever.

Get him, girl.

Hey you!

Oh, hey there, Jeanie.


You took my Pooky from me.

Now there'd be no more

distraction for our love.

If you were

the less man on earth,

I still wouldn't love you.

Is that right?

You wouldn't hurt

wifey now, would you?

Wifey who makes me eat

from a f*cking bowl

on the ground while you

and Pooky eat at the table!

It's backwards, Marylou!

Pooky is a dog, I'm a man.

Now I don't see a man.

I see a fur ball

who's lost the little respect

I had for him.

Well, I ain't no fur ball,

I'm the jackalope.

A jackalope that's fixing

to teach his wife

a little lesson.

A bit outnumbered, aren't you?



Come on, you piece of junk.

No, no, no.

Son of a bitch can never do

anything for himself.

He was always a little off.

Do y'all remember

playing whack-a-mole?

Hell, yeah. You bet ya.

Let's do this. Go!

Hey, Eugene!

You said you were a man,

get back here

and fight like a man!

Little help down here?

- Lance?

- Marylou!


Hey, Jeanie?

Die you stupid rabbits!

What the-- Oh, my God!

Oh, baby.

I'm coming.

Oh, God, baby.


-I'm trying to--

-I can't.

-Oh, God!

Baby, I'm sorry. Baby, come on.

Jeanie! Jeanie!

The head. It has to be the head.


Goddammit! Sam!

f*ck you, you goddarn jackalope!

Goddammit, Sam.

No! Oh, f*ck's sake.

And the d*ck? Oh, f*ck.

Goddammit, Sam! No!

You figured it out, buddy.

You figured it out.

For Walden.




Kids, stay in the car!

Hot potato.

Oh, my God.

- Oh, my God, Carol. Carol.

- Stay here.

Oh, gross.

All the people that come

for when I'm dying.

f*ck you!

f*ck you!

Shut your stupid mouth,

you ain't gonna die.

You little sh*t!

The rabbits, they got eyes

on the sides of their heads.

320 degree field of vision.

Oh, Carol,

do you want your last words

to be some stupid animal fact?

Listen, bitch!

They got a blind spot.

Baby mamacita, you are a genius.

You're darn right tootin',

she is.

Where are the kids?

They're in the car. Don't worry.

They have their iPads.

Okay. Are you okay?

-Yeah. I'm kind of sweating.


Okay. I k*lled

that f*cking bunny.

Yeah, you could see me.

I-- I was looking real manly.

Oh, later. Jim, later.


Hey, husband!

What is it, Marylou?

What can I do for you now?

You can die.

Where did you go?

Hey! Stop! Where'd you go?

I'll sh**t you in the face.

I can't see

you when you stand there.

But I can see you just fine.

k*ll him, Jeanie, k*ll him!


Happy Easter, Jeanie.

Happy Easter, bitch.

Can't be too careful, you know?


Sure, totally.

Hey, y'all, would--

would you get me outta here?

This thing's looking at me.

- Come on, baby.

- Easy, easy.

Come on.

I got you.


I'm here bleeding out.

I'm coming, baby mamacita.


It's a lot of blood.

It's okay.

You will be all right.


-Oh, sh*t!

-Oh, f*ck!

It's okay.

Marylou looked after me.

We're friends now.

-Good. Good.

-Awfully nice of you.

Okay, now get me

to a f*cking hospital!

All right. All right.

Get her up. Get her up.

Get her up. Let's go. Let's go.

You look like sh*t.

I know. I know.

Don't touch me. Don't touch me.

I don't wanna touch you.

- Hi, Lance.

- How you doing, Marylou?



How are you two feeling?

Not even two major surgeries

can keep this minx down

on Shark Week.

And it's only reruns.

Oh, my God.

Not in front of the kids.

Hey, y'all.

f*cking Marylou.

God, I love her.

I know it's been a difficult

couple weeks for everyone.

Not everyone

is here who should be.

Friends, family...


But we are Walburgonians,

and we can get through anything.

Let's remember

everyone we lost along the way.

Since we no longer have

a pastor to eulogize, everyone,

please welcome

my friend Jeanie Cooper.

Thank you, Marylou.

Hey, y'all.


well, um,

I'm not the best with words...

but I had a few things

to say about Megan.

She was someone who thought

she was alone in this world.

She gave her life for this town.

And I hope she knows how much

this town loved her back.

She was my friend...

and I'm gonna miss her.

So many special souls

we've lost,

including Sam McCormick...

a true gift

to the conspiracy world.

Sally Beans,

a trusted assistant.

Annie Sue, the go-getter.

Mayor Lou...

Selfish prick.

And so, so many more.

May their memories...

always bring us joy.

Maybe a bit rusty...

but, uh...

this goes out to everyone

we've lost this Easter.

We'll miss you.

Oh, Jeanie, that was wonderful.

Oh, for f*ck's sake!

That's not good.

You think, honey?

Go, go, go, go, go, go!

Well, sh*t!

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