01x05 - My Dinner with Becker

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, yeah, lady.

Well, instead of putting
that stupid bow in his hair,

why don't you teach him not
to crap all over the sidewalk?

I sure hope he's talking
about a dog.

Hey, I don't care
if you don't have a scooper.

Pick it up
and put it in your pocket,

you idiot.

Hey, Reg, no time
for a breakfast this morning.

Let me just have a cigarette
and a cup of coffee, will you?

Oh, it's your lucky day.

Here's a cigarette
in a cup of coffee.

Caffeinated cigarettes.

Am I crazy
or is that a good idea?

Yeah, if you're gonna
smoke yourself to death,

you may as well be awake for it.

Yeah.

Oh, look at this story.
You're not gonna believe this.

"Forty-five injured
in toy store riot."

You wanna know what led
these mature adults to v*olence?

Those stupid little
beanie dolls.

I mean,
are people's lives this empty?

What are we talking about?
It's a sweat sock with eyes.

Well, you can't blame the toy.

My niece has one.
She just loves it.

A little tip.

Don't poke the bear.

All I'm saying is that there's
always gonna be a few bad apples

who ruin it for everybody.

Okay, now you're on your own.

A few bad apples?
What are you, nuts?

People are being slaughtered

over those little
beanie bastards.

Hey, everyone's entitled
to their opinion.

I say, live and let live.

The schmucks of the world
have a new king.

Wait till you see who
he's chosen for his new queen.

What do you mean?

Oh, you gotta be kidding.

Yeah, I'm blind
and I did a double take.

I'll see you later.

Yeah, have a great day.

What?

Were all the guys
in long pants taken?

Don't tell me now you have
something against delivery men.

No, absolutely not.

I have nothing but respect
for our men in lift belts.

[ chuckles ]

I just don't think
he's your type, that's all.

Oh, you're right.

What was I thinking?

I should have my head examined
for going out

with a great-looking guy
who treats me well.

Besides, I've gone out
with enough Type A guys

to know what the A stands for.

All right, I stand corrected.
He's a nice guy.

If he had bigger ears,
he'd be a Disney character.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Okay, Mrs. Jordan,
give me just a second here

to look over your results,
will you?

I don't see any pictures
of your family, Dr. Becker.

I keep them locked up.

Your family pictures
are locked up?

No, my family.

All right, everything seems
to be in pretty good shape,

except your thyroid's
a little underactive,

so I'm gonna give you
a drug called Synthroid,

see if we can give it
a little kick in the butt.

So I notice
you don't wear a ring.

I take it you're unmarried?

Mrs. Jordan,
I've already seen you naked.

There's nowhere left
for us to go.

Oh, come on, doctor.
Cards on the table.

What, are you gay?

No.
Good.

Because I may have someone
for you. My niece.

She's a lovely girl,
personality plus.

Yeah, personality plus what?

[ chuckles ]

Kelly would love
your sense of humor.

You're perfect for her.

Mrs. Jordan, thanks anyway,
but see,

the problem
with blind dates

is you end up going out
with the kind of people

who go out on blind dates.

And frankly, those people
are much better off alone.

There's that sense of humor.

[ chuckles ]

Dr. Becker,
I don't know if you remember.

but when I started working here,

you said there would
be a quarterly

performance review.

Today is the day.

Oh, yeah. Well, I'm not ready.

That's okay, I'll go first.

"First of all, let me say

"I think you're doing
a great job.

However, there's always
room for improvement."

Okay.

"You have a tendency to get
a little abrasive at times.

"Not only with the patients,
but with the support staff.

Remember, a smile is a frown
turned upside down."

Go on.
Okay.

Secondly, and I think
I speak for everyone.

Punctuality.

Think about it.

If you get here after me,
you're late.

Thirdly,
let's talk about your clothes.

Let me ask you something.
I--

In what twisted little corner
of your mind,

do you think that
it's appropriate for an employee

to come to her boss...?

I'll-- I'll try to do better.

That's all I ask.

No, don't.

MARGARET:
Well, well, well,

seems like someone's
been using the office

as a dating service.

Mrs. Jordan just gave me
her niece's phone number.

Oh, thank you, Margaret.

You know, I've seen her niece.
You could do worse.

You have done worse.

Why not give it a sh*t and--
And take this girl to dinner?

Margaret, there's a reason
they named the blind date

after a disabling condition.

Fine. Date, don't date.

But one of these days,

the thrill I get from
dragging my butt in here

every morning is gonna wear off.

Then who's gonna look after you?

Margaret,
you'll never leave me.

Well, I might not have a choice.

Linda gave me a very poor
performance review.

[ chuckles ]

Mr. Rainey.

Come on back.

All right,
thanks for seeing me.

I've got some real stiffness
in my shoulder.

Well, let's take a look at it.

It says here you work
for an HMO.

How come you didn't see
one of those doctors?

[ laughs ]

Go to an HMO.

That's a good one, doc.

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, jeez. Does the health
department know about this?

I'll see you tonight.

I can't wait.

Bye-bye.

Hey, how's it going?

Can't complain.

Apparently not.

Out goes the sunshine,
in comes the rain.

Come on,
you can't possibly believe

that that guy's right for her.

Well, why not?

He's friendly, he's attentive,
he's eager to please.

Yeah, he's a cocker spaniel.

Are you talking
about Todd again?

Oh, interesting,

you hear the words
"cocker spaniel"

and you immediately
think of Todd.

There's nothing wrong
with Todd.

I didn't say there was.

I just think that you're
compromising a little bit.

I mean, you're no idiot.

You should be going out
with someone little more,

I don't know, challenging.

Yeah, I know it's a little tight

in the old biological
clock department,

but that doesn't mean you should
sell yourself short, Reg.

Wow.
Even your compliments suck.

Oh, come on, Reg,
the guy is so boring.

I mean, nobody's that nice.

Look, there's nothing
wrong with nice.

And since when did you
become the dating expert?

The last woman I saw you with
was ticketing your car.

[ chuckles ]

I happen to have a very
satisfying personal life.

You're way off base.

Back me up on this,
will you, Jake?

No, she does have
a good point there, John.

Yeah, super helpful.
Thank you.

Okay, if I'm so wrong,

please tell me about your
satisfying personal life.

Yeah, John, I was kind
of curious about that myself.

When was the last time
you had a date?

Last time I had a date?
Yeah.

That's what you wanna know?

Well, it just so happens
I have a date tonight.

Yeah, who with?

With a woman named Kelly.

Yeah, she's the niece

of a patient of mine.

As a matter of fact,

she has personality plus,
you know,

and finds me very amusing.

Oh, a deaf girl.

[ chuckles ]

Oh, boy, she sure got you there.

Yeah, she sure did,
didn't she?

How much pleasure
can you possibly get

from playing tricks
on a blind man?

To be honest,
more than I ever imagined.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

I don't care.

You can't just sneak
in the back door

and expect to see the doctor.

Unless it's an emergency,
you need an appointment.

Yeah, I'd like to make
an appointment.

Well, there's something
you need to do first.

Here's $10.

I want you to go down
to Goodwill

and buy some clean clothes.

Then I want you to go to the Y
and take a shower.

And when you're all finished

and you think
that you are really clean,

I want you to go back in
and take another shower.

Then come back and see me.

Margaret, that telephone number
I threw away...

You haven't emptied trash yet,
have you?

Nope, but the question
is are you desperate enough

to go digging around in it?
Ha-ha.

Yes, yes, I am.

Don't waste your time.

Doctor won't see you
unless you shower first.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hey, Jake, would you mind
closing up tonight?

Oh, no problem.

[ sniffing ]

Now, that's strange.

Usually you wear Obsession,
but tonight...

Playful.

Slightly precocious.

And a little bit bad.

Tommy Girl.

You're amazing.

If there's a way of enjoying
a woman without seeing her,

believe me, I've found it.

Well, someone looks
very pretty tonight.

Oh, stop. This old thing?

Oh, Reggie, you look nice too.

Thank you, Todd.

I'm almost ready.

Great.

Hey, listen,
I had to park three blocks away.

I'll go get the car.

No, that's okay.
I can walk with you.

Oh, no, I'll get it.
You're wearing heels.

If you twisted your ankle,
I'd never forgive myself.

Good night, Jake.

JAKE:
Good night.

Jake,
let me ask you something.

What do you think of Todd?

He seems like a nice guy.

But not too nice, right?

Oh, don't tell me you're worried
about what Becker said.

Well, you know how he is.

I mean, he sh**t his mouth off
and before you know it

he's got you doubting
your own opinion.

Well, don't listen to him.
I don't.

That's why we're friends.

Now, look,

if you like Todd,
that's all that matters.

You're right. Thank you.

Hey, Reg,
I saw your friend Todd outside.

And?

And nothing.

Hey, wearing long pants
and everything.

Becker, we're closed.

Yeah, I know. I'm just grabbing
a smoke before my date.

Nervous?

No, I've smoked before.

You know something?
You look very nice.

You and Todd

have a good time tonight.

Jake, I'll see you later.

See you, John.

Okay, what the hell
was that supposed to mean?

Well, unless he threw up
some weird hand signals,

I think he meant
have a good time tonight.

Yeah, I guess.

Reg, stop torturing yourself.
Forget about Becker.

If you like Todd,
that's all that matters.

You're right.

You know,
you're absolutely right.

'Cause in a relationship,
the most important thing

is how two people feel
about each other, all right?

It doesn't matter if...
[ door shuts ]

Reg?

Reg?

Okay, people, you have
to say goodbye to a blind man

when you leave the room.

Otherwise,
it's just plain inconsiderate,

because if you leave
a brother here,

talking to himself for hours--
Jake.

I'm sorry,
I forgot to say goodnight.

Hey, no problem.

Bye.

[ blues theme playing ]

Hi, I'm Rusty,
I'll be your waiter.

Can I tell you about
tonight's specials?

Actually--

We have striped
Chilean Sea Bass.

Pan-seared
with shiitake mushroom.

Free-range chicken breast
stuffed with Andouille sausage

accompanied by
a vegetarian gumbo.

And our grilled double pork chop
which comes in a cream reduction

with just a splash of Vermouth.

That one's yummy.

Now, what can I get you?

Rusty, sit down.

Now, first of all,

you can drop the phoney
sycophantic charm.

I don't need a new pal,
just a waiter.

I want you to take a glass
and put some vodka in it.

Not that stuffed
andouille vodka,

just normal human vodka.

Then take the splash of vermouth
out of the doubled pork chops,

put it in the glass,

turning it into
a free-range vodka martini.

Then bring it back here
as fast as you can

so I can drink it in peace.

Are you with me?

Gotcha.

Rusty.

The chair.

Thank you.

Are you John Becker?

Oh, is there a call for me?

No. I'm Kelly, Kelly Jordan.

You--
You're related to Mrs. Jordan?

Yes, she's my aunt.

Well, wow.

Sorry, John Becker.

Here, sit down, please.

Thank you.

Here we go.
Sorry, I'm a little late,

but my dance class went
a little longer than I expected.

You're a dancer?

Yeah.

Country Western.
You know, line dancing.

It's just so much fun.

Ah.

Line dancing.

I can't believe that guy
just backed into your car

and drove away like that.

Hey, what's done is done.

That's what insurance is for.

Unbelievable. Most guys would
still be outside screaming.

Well, I figure, why let it ruin
the whole evening?

What a great attitude.

Just great.

I'll have the Cobb Salad.

No egg, no bacon,
no cheese, no dressing.

Are you sure you want the bowl?

[ giggles ]
And for you, sir?

Steak.

Steak Diane,
Steak Bernaise--

Rusty, steak, meat,
flame, plate, go.

So, Kelly.
Yeah?

What kind of work do you do?

In a way, the same thing you do.

I heal people.

You're a doctor?

Well, practically.
I'm an aromatherapist.

Ah.

You were stuck
in the Lincoln Tunnel

for three hours?

That would have
driven me insane.

Actually,
I kind of enjoyed the time.

It gave me a chance
to think about my life.

By the time I hit New Jersey,
I was feeling pretty good.

It felt good to get to Jersey?

Well, let me see.

What else can I tell
you about myself?

Um.

I'm a very romantic person.

I've seen Titanic 53 times.

There are moments when I feel
like I'm actually on that ship.

Me too.

You actually don't mind
paying taxes.

How could I?

I use city services.

You can bet I'd be the first
to call the fire department

if my house was burning down.

Wow. There's gotta be something
that bothers you.

Why?

You're just so nice.

Well, what's wrong with nice?

Well, there's nothing
wrong with--

I've got it.

Pollution,
you gotta hate pollution.

Well, of course I do.

Thank God.

But you have to admit,

the city's a lot cleaner
than it used to be.

You know, I was thinking.
After dinner

we should go to a karaoke bar.

I go all the time.
They're really fun.

Oh, yeah, karaoke bar.
Great idea.

Because so often when
I'm listening to Sinatra,

I'm thinking:
"wouldn't it be great

"if I could just take
Sinatra's voice out,

and replace it with the off-key
yowling of some drunk?"

You're very tense.

Well, that's my hobby.

Look, Kelly, I'm gonna have
to be honest with you.

If you and I were the last
two people on this Earth,

that would be the only thing
that we have in common.

Now, I could--

I could sit here all night
with my frozen smile, you know.

Walk you to your doorstep,
promise to call,

then run like hell for a cab,
but what I'd like to do

is skip directly
to the run like hell for a cab,

because if you think
I'm hard to take now,

you don't wanna be around me

for even five minutes
in a karaoke bar.

So I'm gonna do the biggest
favor of your life.

I...

Dinner's on me.

I'm very, very sorry.

Look, we finished eating
20 minutes ago,

and no one's offered us coffee.

Doesn't that bother you?

I hadn't noticed.
I was enjoying my time with you.

Yeah, yeah, it's magic.

Look.

What are you, a Keebler Elf?

Did you grow up
in a tree making cookies?

Doesn't anything make you angry?

k*ller bees? Polka music?

Furniture you have
to assemble yourself?

I don't care. Pick one.

You know, I just thought
of something I don't like.

Finally.

Oh.

I just can't be with somebody
who's so angry.

I don't know what got into you.

Becker.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Good morning, Reggie.
Can I have a cup of coffee?

Hi, Becker.

I'm about to make you
a very happy man.

Oh, yeah?
Somebody else make the coffee?

No, you were right
and I was wrong.

Well, sure.

What are we talking about?

You told me Todd
wasn't right for me,

and last night we broke up.

At least,
I think that's what it means

when a guy leaves you
sitting alone in restaurant.

The guy walked out on you?

The bastard.

No, he's not the bastard.
You are.

Well, why me?

Because you wanted me to find
something wrong with Todd

and you wouldn't let up
until I did.

Come on, I wasn't even there,
Reggie. I was just--

I was just offering you
some opinions, that's all.

If I-I screwed anything up,
I'm sorry, you know.

I mean, don't get me wrong,
the guy is Gumby,

but if I messed it up...

Doesn't matter.
It's too late anyway.

No, it's not too late.
Yeah, come on.

Tell him, make something up.

You know,
tell him you were drunk.

Tell him it was all my fault.

I don't care,
just call him, come on.

I can't.

Why not?

Because he's boring.

You were right.

He was so damn nice,

I wanted to hit him
with a stick.

So you're saying you're upset
about losing someone

you don't even like?

Well, you know,
you're just a crazy person.

Hey, no argument here.

When it comes to men, you might
as well put me in a straitjacket

and spoon-feed me pudding.

Maybe not everybody's
supposed to find someone.

Oh, now, don't do that.

Look, you don't have the market
cornered on crazy, you know.

I mean, I've--
I've had two failed marriages,

there's a long list of women
who still refuse to talk to me,

and the longest relationship
I have is with the woman

who runs the dry cleaning
on the corner.

Susie?

Who's that? Is that her name?

Look, just don't be so hard
on yourself.

Thanks, Becker.

I appreciate you
telling me that.

You know,
when you think about it,

all you really lost was Todd.

And you were doing so well.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Look, dating's tough,
you know,

it's hard to find someone
you really connect with.

You know,
I got so wrapped up in myself.

I completely forgot to ask you.

How was your date?

Mine?

Well,
I wasn't gonna bring it up,

but as long as we're
being honest...

It was fantastic.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]