01x07 - City Lights

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ electricity sizzling ]

[ groans ]

Oh, God...

Stupid.

Stupid.

[ grunts ]

Stupid.

City of New York...

Department of Public Works...

Yeah, right.

Like anything
in this city works.

Yeah, I want--

Oh, crap. Voicemail.

Yes, yes, I have
a touch-tone phone.

It's the nineties.

I also have indoor plumbing.

Yes, I speak English.

You asked me in English.

Yes, I have a complaint.

I'm talking to voicemail.

Yeah, oh, finally, yeah, listen,
I want to leave a message.

It's about a broken streetlight
on Kaden Avenue.

If it's not fixed by tomorrow,
I'm coming down there,

and I'm gonna kick every one
of your flabby asses

up to and including
Mayor Giuliani.

And if you got a problem
with that, come and get me.

My name is John--

Uh...

--Lo mein.

It's-- Um, it's French.

Au revoir.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Margaret, I'd like to schedule a
time when I can talk with you.

Okay, let's talk now.

Oh, technically I'm on break for
another three minutes, so...

Linda, what is it?

Okay.

It occurred to me that
Dr. Becker has his office,

and you have
this area here,

but as the third member
of the "team,"

I feel I'm entitled to
a workspace of my own.

First of all, don't make those
little "quote-y" fingers at me.

I hate that.

And second of all, no.

Okay, okay, I was expecting
some initial resistance,

and I'm prepared.

According to a survey from a
leading business publication,

"employees who have their own
work space are not only happier,

but more productive
and efficient."

Still no.

We don't have any room.

What about the unused space
in there in the kitchen?

It's only unused because
you aren't doing the work

I left there for you.

But the fact that you
left work there for me means

you already think of it as
my workspace.

Only until you finish the work,
and then it's the kitchen again.

So if I don't
finish the work,

then I'll always have
a workspace.

If you don't finish the work,
you won't work here anymore.

I'm getting a headache.

Not me.
I could do this all day.

Well, then can I at least bring
in a few things from home,

make me feel more
comfortable?

Linda--

You have things
from home.

You have pictures,
that vase,

this stupid, dangly,
leggy doll thing...

This happens to have a lot of
sentimental value.

My father gave this to me
when I was just--

Uh, Margaret, ticktock.

I've got work piling up.

All right, all right.

You can bring one thing
from home.

Just one.

[ quietly mocking ]:
One thing from home.
Just one.

What was that?

Thank you, Margaret.

Good morning, John.

It sucks.

Or not.

I didn't get any sleep
last night.

A damn street light was
flickering outside my window

all night long.

Can you imagine that?

Eight hours.
On, off, on, off, on, off.

You know-- You know
how annoying that is?

I'm familiar with
the concept, yes.

Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh.

Not so fast.

Uh, Timothy Fryer is in Three
with a possible strep throat.

Lenny Kramer is in Two.

You need to check his x-rays,
and this--

You know what?

This is sounding like
a really busy morning.

You know what would
help me out?

If I could find someone to
call the city for me--

Uh-uh.

I know where this is going,

and the answer is "no."

Your streetlight did not
keep me awake,

and I am not your
personal assistant.

Yes, clearly not.

You know something?

This is just gonna drag
on and on.

I'm not gonna get
any more sleep,

and you know
what happens then?

I start to get
a little cranky.

Just suck it up.

Anger doesn't solve
anything.

You're a big boy.

You have a problem,
deal with it like an adult.

Margaret, the whole--

And don't give me that
little pouty face.

I am not your mother.

You complain,
complain.

Now, off you go.

BECKER [ mockingly ]:
Off you go...

Uh, what was that?

Thank you,
Margaret.

Hey, Lenny.

How's the wrist doing?

Um, the broken one?

Uh, okay,
all right, let's--

Let's talk about that one.
Shall we?

Okay, let's see here.

Wow, realignment's pretty much
what I expected,

strong callus formations along
the radius there.

See, that's the part with...

It's, uh, looking good.
Looking good.

Whew.
That's a relief.

I didn't know where you were
going with that.

Yeah, yeah. Relax.

You're gonna be playing ball
in no time.

Just next time you get in
a fight with your girlfriend,

don't punch a hole in the wall,
all right?

Remember, anger
doesn't solve anything.

You know, just,
just suck it up.

You got a problem, you just
deal with it like an adult.

You mean drink?

No, no, I don't.

Uh, speaking of drinking,
though, have you nailed down

where you're going
to college?

Not yet.

Coach wants me to pitch
for Stanford, but...

Yeah.
who wants to go to school

in Connecticut, right?

Oh, boy.

I tell you, this country's
in a lot of trouble.

[ blues theme playing ]

Linda?

I'll be there in a minute,
Margaret. I--

Now.

Linda, do you know anything
about the dog

in Dr. Becker's office?

Yeah, his name is Gus.

He likes his belly rubbed.

But who doesn't?

If you have any of those
liver treats on you, he--

Get him out of here.

But you said I could bring in
one thing to the office.

That is not a thing.

That is a dog.

Don't tell Gus that.
He thinks he's a person.

Well, so do you,
but we digress.

Now, let me put it
this way:

One of you has to go,
and if he can file,

your days are numbered.

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, this is great.

Richard Hammel's conducting
an evening of Vivaldi tonight.

You wanna go?

Not even if they
restored my sight

during intermission.

You really don't like
classical music, do you?

No, I love classical music.

Hate Richard Hammel.

I find his interpretation
of Vivaldi to be

hopelessly pedestrian.

He races through the
emotional passages,

and he's too flowery

where the music simply
calls for restraint.

But hey, if you like it,
you go right ahead.

Oh, come on, lady,

I've seen continents drift
faster than this.

Would it make it
easier on you

if we just put all the
old people on skates?

Yes, it would.

Just give me some coffee,
will you?

I just spent the last half hour
on the phone with the city

trying to get them to fix this
flickering streetlight

outside my apartment.

And they told me to
forget it.

It doesn't pose a serious enough
thr*at to public safety,

which just proves they have no
idea how pissed off I am.

Well, I sure don't have any
complaints about the city.

They give me
whatever I want.

Beeping traffic signals,
Braille in elevators,

building addresses
in Braille.

[ chuckles ]

It's almost as if they
have nothing else to do.

Hey, Jake, why don't you
call the city for me?

You know, do that pitiful
blind guy thing you do.

Come on,
maybe they'd go for it.

Anyone else see a flaw
in that logic?

A blind guy complaining about
a flickering streetlight?

You just k*lled
that ray of hope.

Do you have anything
to put in its place?

As a matter of fact,

once the sidewalk in front of
the diner was cracked,

and my dad started
a petition.

The city fixed it
within a week.

Well, your dad's dead
so he's no help.

You know what?
I got it.

Here's what you do:
draw something up,

get everyone who comes in here
to sign it.

As soon as there's something
wrong with my streetlight,

that's exactly what I'll do.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
I forgot.

You're from the
"Me" generation.

Yeah, we got a website
and everything.

So, Jake, you sure you don't
want to reconsider

the Vivaldi concert?
Yep.

Vivaldi?

Oh, let me guess.
You hate Vivaldi.

You hate people who
like Vivaldi,

people who go to concerts
to hear Vivaldi,

and anyone named
Vivaldi.

Quit saying Vivaldi,
will you?

It just so happens
that Four Seasons

is some of my
favorite music.

Your-- Your daddy
used to play it

when we were having
poker games.

Vivaldi at a poker game?

That's quite a manly bunch
you had there.

[ chuckling ]:
Did you braid
each other's hair too?

Jake, hot coffee.

That's a good one, John.

[ chuckles ]

Almost as good as
the jigsaw puzzle

you got me for
Christmas.

[ laughs ]

I liked that one too.
That was a good one.

When I was growing up,
my dad played Four Seasons

all the time.

But he tried to fool me.

He'd play "Winter" on
the first day of spring,

and "Spring" on
the first day of summer,

and "Summer" on the first day--
Yeah, yeah.

[ sarcastically ]:
Yeah, your dad was
hilarious.

[ clears throat ]

Well, here's an idea.

Why don't the two of you
go together?

[ Becker and Reggie
declining indistinctly ]

Well, why not?
You both like Vivaldi.

What's the big deal?

Becker, there's like
no chance in hell

you'd ever want to go
to a concert with me, is there?

I didn't think so.

Whoa, whoa.
Hold-- Hold on.

I'm still a little dizzy from
that gracious invitation.

Okay, you know,
what the hell?

But we don't have to go out to
dinner first, though, do we?

I mean, it's such a hassle.

No, that's okay.

Oh, buy the girl
a meal.

How cheap are you?

I'm not cheap.

I-- I just don't like
going downtown

during rush hour.

So take her out
after the concert.

You can't have a meal
after 10:00?

What are you, like, 90?

No, I, I, I--

All I'm saying is those places
are usually very crowded.

If that's all right
with you.

That's fine with me.

Is it okay with you,
Jake?

It's got nothing
to do with me.

I'll see you tonight,
Becker.

[ chuckling ]

I got your hot coffee
right here.

[ laughing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Hi there.

How are you today?

Look, I'm, uh,
circulating a petition

to get the broken streetlight
outside fixed.

Uh, stay away from us.

You're the one who slammed
the door in our faces

when my Tiffany was
selling cookies.

Oh, yeah, uh, right.

Look, look, I thought
you were that lesbian

with her dwarf girlfriend who
used to live in the building.

[ elevator dings ]

You know, they--
They stole my tools.

Oh, hey, come--
You know, who--?

Who lets their kid go
door to door

selling crap
nobody wants anyway?

You know, where-- Where's
your kid at two in the morning

when I need cigarettes?

Oh, hi there, neighbors.

Um, I represent a
coalition of tenants

who are petitioning
the city

to fix a dangerously
malfunctioning streetlight.

Uh, leave us alone.

You've caused us
enough trouble.

All right, all right--
Whoa. Wait--

I'm sorry I called the cops
that night.

But you-- You were loitering
outside my apartment

making a hell of a racket.

We were singing
Christmas carols.

Well, yeah, sure, in--
In hindsight.

[ elevator dings ]

You wanna sign
a petition?

Gee, I don't know.
What's it for?

Oh, uh, well, it's--

It's to fix the broken
streetlight outside.

It's flashing
all night long.

I can't get any sleep.

I know what you mean.
It's been bugging me too.

Really?
Yeah.

But just knowing how much

it bothers you

gives me the strength I need
to endure hell itself

until you've either
moved out or d*ed.

Okay.
That's one "undecided."

[ blues theme playing ]

Yes, I'm still here.

You didn't think anyone
was crazy enough

to stay on hold this long,
did you?

Yeah, no, forget it.

Your name is what again?

Martinez, right.

And you work for
the Department of Sanitation?

Perfect.

Listen first of all,
let me tell you,

I love what you guys do.

You do great work.

Anyhoo, I--
I got a question for you.

Say-- Say you got a--
You got a broken, uh--

Broken table lamp,
you know?

And you put it out
in the garbage.

You guys come pick that up,
right?

Right. Well, I, I got a
broken streetlight outside my--

My window here.

I want you guys to
come haul it away.

No, no, no, don't transfer me
to Public Works.

They hate me there.

I-- I know it's late.

You've got a family
to go home to.

You know, hey,
I've got a family too, pal.

You know,
the light's driving us all nuts.

You know, little Bobby
hasn't been able

to finish his homework,
and Janie hasn't slept for days.

Janie, stop crying.

Nice man's gonna
fix everything for us.

Well, why not,
for God's sake?

It's garbage.

You guys pick up garbage,
right?

Just come pick it up.

Hello? Hello?

Oh, man.

Aw, jeez.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ orchestra playing
classical music ]

Psst.

[ whispering ]:
This is nice.

Good seats too.

Shh.

Right. Quiet. Right.

Psst.

You know what I
can't understand

is how the city can build a
beautiful hall like this,

but they can't manage to change
one stinking light bulb.

Let it go.

Enjoy the music.

You're right.

Psst.

I'm right, though,
aren't I?

I mean, all I need is
one ladder,

one guy, one light bulb.

Shh.

Sorry.

Psst.

[ loudly ]:
Would you stop making that

ridiculous noise?

You're driving me crazy.

[ orchestra stops ]

Oh.

No, no, no, see, I--
I didn't mean you.

Uh, Tourette's Syndrome.

Damn you. Damn you.

We may have to increase
the medication.

[ quietly ]:
What the hell?

[ orchestra continues playing ]

[ sighs ]

Psst.

[ quietly ]:
If I ever invite you to
do anything with me again,

sh**t me.

[ blues theme playing ]

Linda, do you remember that
discussion we had yesterday

about you leaving
your dog at home?

Yeah.

Well, then who exactly is
licking my ankle right now?

He likes you.

Uh, here's the thing.

See, yesterday when you said
I could bring in one personal

item and did not rule out dogs,
I fired my dog walker.

Now the soonest I can
get him back is next week.

So this is simply gonna
have to do.

End of story.

End of story?

Oh, Margaret,
look at this face.

How can you say "no"
to this face?

Oh, all right.

Just for today.

But he has to stay
in the storeroom,

and he doesn't bother
the patients,

he doesn't bother
Dr. Becker,

and he doesn't bother me.

And that last one is
the most important.

All right, all right.

It's okay, Gus.

The storeroom
isn't so bad.

Sometimes I spend
hours in there.

[ blues theme playing ]

Look, I don't care if it takes
a light bulb,

a tiki torch
or 1000 flatulent fireflies.

Just stop the flickering.

Can you hold a sec?

Margaret.

Oh, sorry.

He got out of
the storeroom.

Somehow he learned how to
work a doorknob.

Push.
Then pull.

[ laughs nervously ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

You gotta be kidding me.

Look, I did not invent
the prostate exam.

Believe me, if I had,

we would be doing this
through the mail.

But, I mean, my God...

Mr. Williams,
I haven't slept in two days,

so forgive me if I'm not
my usual cheery self.

But how the hell'd you think I
was gonna examine your prostate?

Well, to tell you
the truth, Doc,

I didn't really know
where it was.

I just figured you'd you have me
open my mouth and say "ah."

My arm's not that long.

Now, come on, suck it up here,
will you, please?

[ knocking on door ]

MARGARET: John.
Yes? What?

We need you
out here.

Well, come in.
It's all right.

What?
We have an emergency.

Male, 33, just walked in.

Rat bite.

Uh, no meds,
no allergies.

Uh, his last tetanus
was three years ago.

He's pretty anxious.

Mr. Williams, will you
give me a minute?

Please, take all
the time you need.

Just-- Just try and relax,
will you?

I haven't relaxed since you
snapped on that glove.

Hi there,
I'm John Becker.

Hear you got bit by
a rat.

A rat? Yeah.
A big rat.

A big fat greasy rat
bit me on my leg,

and I'm thinking
maybe I got rabies.

Which is why I came
to see you.

I thought I'd better
see somebody quick

instead of waiting till
I got downtown to a real doctor.

Oh, I only meant--

Whatever, whatever.

Just take your pants down

so I can see what's going on,
all right?

I was making a speech

over on Webster Avenue...

A speech?

What kind of speech?

Oh, the city's
constructing a park.

You know,
underprivileged kids,

blah, blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Look,
I'm scared to death here.

Do you think
I have rabies?

I seriously doubt it,
but why don't you hop up there

and we'll take a look?

Rabies is very rare.

In all my years
of practice,

I've never seen
a single case.

But just to safe,
I'll give you some antibiotics.

Oh, that's a relief.

So you were making
a speech, huh?

What are you, a somebody?

I'm Henry Millman.

I'm one of the
Executive Assistants

to the Borough President.

This borough?
The Bronx?

No, Staten Island.

I'm vacationing overseas.

Look, I'm in a hurry here,

so if you don't mind,
is this gonna take long?

You know, maybe you could
help me out here.

I got a problem with

a streetlight
outside my apartment.

It-- It flickers.

I'm not sure you realize what
an Executive Assistant does,

but I can assure you it is not
fixing streetlights.

Ah.
Now, if you don't mind,

I'm in a hurry here,
so please--

Yes, I'm sure you are.

Can you just give me
a second? Margaret!

Hand me your pants there,
will you, please?

Margaret, why don't you take
Mr. Millman's pants

and, uh, keep 'em
some place safe?

We may have to run
some tests on these.

What tests?

Just take the pants.

Um, what kind of tests?

Do you know anything
about rodent DNA?

No.

Then we'll be testing your pants
for rodent DNA.

Now, while I've
got you here,

why don't we talk
about my streetlight,

and whom you might call
on my behalf.

I told you,
I don't have time.

No, you don't have pants.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ sighs ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Okay, I know you can
do this, Lenny.

[ breathes deeply ]

[ glass shatters ]

Boy, whoever lives there
is gonna be pissed.

Yeah,

but I'll get over it.

Now focus.

Bottom of the ninth,
score's tied,

bases loaded,
three-two count.

This pitch could mean
the entire game, Lenny.

[ glass shatters ]

[ laughs ]

Nice one, kid.

Glad to help.

But I don't get it.

I thought you said adults
were supposed to

handle their problems
in a mature way.

MAN:
Hey, what the hell are you doing
down there?

Uh, tried.
It didn't work.

Run, Lenny!

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]