01x09 - Choose Me

[bunniefuu]

[ upbeat jazz theme playing ]

More.

Please.

Yeah.

Why don't you just bang
your cup on the table?

[ Bangs ]

Quite a little life
I've carved out for myself.

Hey, john, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm driving myself crazy.

I got a case I can't figure out.

Tell me about it.
Maybe I can help.

Oh, okay, fine, doctor.

Male, late '20s,

Suffering
from persistent fatigue.

Initial tests for anaemia,

Thyroid disorder
and mononucleosis, all negative.

Hm.

Well, did you run
a full cootie panel?

Get out of here.

All right, I'm sorry. Give me
a second to think about this.

Yeah, you do that.

I'll, uh, be right back.
[ Phone rings ]

Can you hear me?

Oh, jeez.

I can hear you.

No. Now, you're dropping out.

Can you hear me? Damn.

Do you believe that guy?

[ Phone rings ]

Oh.
Yeah. Okay, uh, now, I got you.

For the next 20 minutes, you can
get me on the cell phone.

Then I'm at the office.

If you can't find me there,
try my pager.

You got that?

Hello?

Oh, you know, who the hell
is this guy, the president?

Does he have the launch codes
or something?

I mean, how inflated
does your ego

Have to be to think
that the earth's gonna spin

Off its axis if you miss a call?

Frankly, I'd pay extra
for a device

That would make it harder
for the world to find me.

I bet the world would pitch in

And buy it for you too.

You're not coming back, are you?

What-- what do you think?

Okay, now, I hear you.

What's going on?

Really? Really?

That's great. I'm on my way.

Hey, mr. Cell phone.

What-- what's
so damned important?

My wife just went into labor.

I'm gonna be a dad.

[ People cheering and clapping ]

So just how big a schmuck

Do you feel like now?

Is he pretending
to read the paper?

Shut up, jake, will you?

But, uh--
how much do I owe you?

Oh, you're gonna be in debt
for the next 21 years.

It's on the house.

Thanks.
That's really nice of you.

Oh, man, my hockey tickets.

Uh, look, these are
for the rangers game

Friday night, centre ice.

Why don't you take them?
'Cause, uh, I can't go, can i?

No, no, of course, I can't.
Here, take them.

Rangers, flyers.

Are these good tickets?
Oh, are you kidding?

That's been sold out forever.
I'd love to go.

Yeah, well, so would i.

Screw you. I asked first.

That--
that doesn't mean anything.

Reg, take me.

Hm.

I've got something
you both want.

This is gonna be fun.

[ Reggie laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Sneezes ]

[ Coughs ]

May I have
everyone's attention, please?

In the event

Of a germ-carrying
cough or sneeze,

You will find
a very useful appliance

At the end of your arm.

It is called your hand.

Simply place it over
your nose or your mouth

To prevent the germs
from disembarking

And landing on the person
in the seat next to you.

If you are unable to comply,

Please note the exits

At the front

And the rear of the office.

Thank you.

You know, I wanted to be

A flight attendant
but I get air sick.

Which is odd 'cause
I don't get seasick or carsick.

Linda.
You know what makes me sick?

Linda.
Sorry.

Merry-go-rounds.

Linda, don't you have
any work to do?

Actually, I wanted to talk
to you about that.

Did it ever occur to you

That I could be
more useful around here?

Every single day.

Good. Because I was thinking
I could do patient check-ins.

You know, height,
weight, blood pressure?

I don't think so.

Well, what if dr. Becker
says I can?

[ Laughs ]

Fine. If the doctor
says you can do it,

It's okay with me.

Thank you.

Like that's gonna happen.

Dr. Becker,
margaret says it's okay for me

To do patient check-ins
if it's okay with you.

So is it?

Is it what?
Okay with you?

Yeah, yeah. Whatever margaret
says is fine with me.

He said it was okay.

I heard.

Why did you tell her
it was okay?

Tell her what was okay?

You just told her that
she could do patient check-ins.

I did?
I don't want her to do that.

Well, neither do i.

Don't you see
what's happening here?

I tell her no,
she runs straight to you.

You know, she's gonna have

To learn this sometime,
margaret.

Why do I always have
to be the bad guy?

Look, I hired her.
It's your job to raise her.

[ Phone rings ]

Doctor's office.

It's bill hernik.

He's calling
about his test results.

Oh, thank you.
Hey, bill, how you feeling?

Still no energy, huh?

Well, so far the tests
are inconclusive.

But, look, why don't you
come down tomorrow morning,

And we'll take another look?

Okay, good.

Oh, poor guy. Six weeks ago,

He's in bermuda
on his honeymoon.

Now, he barely has enough energy

To get out of bed.

I don't get it.
What-- what am I missing here?

Yeah, dr. Julie yates in,
please?

John becker.

Yes, I'll hold.

[ joe cocker's "up where we
belong" playing over phone ]

♪ Love lift us up

♪ Where we belong

♪ Where the eagles...

Julie, yeah, john.

Uh, look, i--
I need something from you.

No. No, not sex. I--

I need help on a case
i-i-i'm working on.

Yes, yes, you're right.

I usually only do call about sex

But can't this--
can't this be different?

What are you doing?

Oh, the counter
was kind of sticky

So I thought I'd wipe
it down for you.

Look, jake, not that I don't
enjoy all this sucking up.

But if you want
the hockey ticket,

You'll have
to do better than this.

After all,

There are other men in my life.

Hello, losers.

That's right, bob's back.

I've got to get
a bug zapper in here.

Notice anything different
about bob?

You shed a layer of skin?

You're closer than you think.

Bob had a makeover.

I've been loofahed, polished,

Waxed and buffed
to a high sheen.

I've had a facial
and for the first time

In the salon's history,
a backal.

I'll show you later.

Thank god, I'm blind.

Bob's also wearing a new cologne

Made from the sex gland

Of the south american
big-horned sheep.

Go ahead, take a whiff.

No.

Look, you keep coming in here

Saying we went
to high school together

And for the last time,
I don't know you.

Nobody knew bob in high school.

Bob spent all of those years
hanging upside down

With his head in the toilet.

Oh, bob.

Yeah, that's right.

Now, try, "oh, god. Oh, bob."

Get out.

Now, if he's my competition
for the hockey game,

Just give me my ticket now.

Hockey game? Bob loves hockey.

Go.

Hey, slick, how's it going?

I don't like that guy.

Coffee, please?

Weird question.

Does anyone else smell sheep?

Looking for lunch
or did you just come in

To suck up
for the hockey ticket?

Lunch. I do not suck up.

It's a hockey game. No big deal.

Oh, so you don't wanna go?

I didn't say that.

But do you really
wanna go to the game

With someone who's
gonna be leaning over

Every two minutes saying:

"What just happened?
What just happened?"

What's that supposed to mean?

It means that you can't see

So giving you
the ticket would be--

And I mean this
in the nicest way possible.

--Insane.

Hey, hey, listen, I can
appreciate going to a game.

I mean, the noise,
the excitement, the crowd.

What would be insane
would be for her to take you.

I mean,
think about it, reggie.

Do you wanna spend all night
listening to him bitch

That the beer's flat,
the food stinks,

The floor's sticky,
the fans are dumb? Take me.

Or better still, why don't you
take him to the rink

At rockefeller centre
sing "o canada"

And tell him it's a hockey game.

[ Knock on door ]

If this is about my car
blocking your space,

I'm not moving.

If this is about my laundry
in all the machines,

It's not moving.

If this is about--
julie: it's julie.

Oh, uh, come on in.
It's open.

Hi, john.
Hey.

Hope you don't mind me
dropping by like this.

Absolutely not. You look well.

So how you been?

Oh, I'm going nuts working

On this case
I called you about.

There really was a case?
Yeah.

I just thought
that was your excuse

To call like
that time that I pretended

To leave my earrings here.

You pretended?

I tore this place upside down
looking for those.

Didn't I show you
how much I appreciated that?

Yes, yes, you did.

I was in surgery
resecting a bowel and, well,

All I could think of was you.

Oh, how flattering.

But I'm so glad you came by.
Th-- this is making me crazy.

I mean, every test I run
ends up showing me nothing.

John?

There's really no romantic way
to put this.

I have to be back on call
by midnight.

Oh. O-o-oh I see.
This is about sex.

If history
has taught us anything, uh-huh.

Jeez, julie,
actually I'm kind of busy here.

Oh, hey, I understand.

If this is a bad time--

No, no, hey-- um, no, no,
absolutely not.

Please, st-- stay, stay. I--
I can do this.

Sit down, sit down.
Come on, sit down.

So y-y-you changed your hair?

Mm-hm. You like it?

So y-y-you changed your hair.

That's enough
small talk for me.

You know,-- you know,
it's absolutely driving me nuts.

I mean, I've checked
his liver functions, cbc,

Blood sugar, thyroid, and I keep
coming up with nothing.

It's all normal.
John, not now.

But what am I missing here?
What should I be looking for?

John, I have exactly one hour
to be a woman

Before I turn back
into a doctor again.

Couldn't this wait?

Oh, you're right. I'm sorry.

I-- I'm with you now. Come here.

[ Moans ]

Any weight loss or fever?

Well, not yet
but we just started.

No, no, no.

Your case. I was just thinking

That you could be looking
at an occult malignancy.

Maybe, uh, hodgkin's.

No, no, I thought of that.
I thought of that.

It didn't check out.

Did you check his sed rate?

Yeah, I did but--

I could-- I could--
we could check it again.

C-can I show you his file?

Thank you.
Oh, god, this is great.

John, you are the only guy
I know

That when I offer
to play doctor,

Really wants to play doctor.

Margaret,
mr.--

I believe the doctor said

I could check in a patient

And you haven't let me
do that yet.

I know what the doctor said
but I don't think you're ready--

Margaret, please, I've watched
you do it a thousand times.

I know the procedures.

Let me show you
how professional I can be.

All right. Go ahead.

You can take care of mr. Hernik.

Okay.

Mr. Hernik,

Why don't you
go on back to room 1?

Okay.

I'm just going
to toast myself a bagel.

I was gonna share it with him.

Okay, I'll see you
in a couple of weeks.

Oh, mrs. Pankow, I'm sorry.

I'll be with you in a minute.

Uh, those things tie in the back

For a reason, you know.

I'm sorry you had
to see that. Come on.

Did you know you're
my first patient check-in?

That means
I'll remember you forever.

Just like the first boy
I ever kissed.

What was his name?

Isn't that funny? You remember
something your whole life

And then suddenly it's just pops

Right out of your head.

Well, if I can't remember
his name,

You don't have a sh*t in hell.

[ Both laugh ]
this is starting to hurt.

Oh, sorry.

♪ Booo

Okay.

Good.

Well, you've been really,
really nice.

I'm gonna make a note of that
on your chart.

Doctor,
here's mr. Hernik's chart.

For my first check-in,
I think it went very well.

And, unlike my first time
cutting hair,

Neither one of us cried.

Hey, bill. I know you're
not feeling very well

But according to your chart,

You're "really, really nice."

I-- I try.

So you're still feeling
the same?

Yeah, it's like I told you.

I've got no energy
a-and now there's this thing

With my stomach.

Yeah, we're gonna
check that today.

It's just starting
to affect every part of my life.

It's my job and my marriage.

Every day I keep hoping
I'll wake up

And feel normal again
but I don't.

I wish I could look
your symptoms up in a book

And tell you the answer,

But it's not that simple.

To be honest, I'm really
starting to get worried here.

Well, don't be.
We're gonna nail this.

I promise you. Now, I'm gonna
wanna re-examine you,

Get some more blood,
take a chest x-ray.

Okay. Uh, are you gonna take

That x-ray yourself or is--?

Linda?

No, no, no,
we clear the building

Before we even let her use
a microwave.

Reg, can I touch your face?

Excuse me?

Uh, it must sound strange
but the way guys talk about you,

You must be beautiful

And I just wanted
to know for myself.

Jake, I don't know what to say.

Sure, go ahead.

Oh, my.

Oh, now i-- now I understand.

You really are beautiful.

Thank you.

But you're still not getting
the hockey ticket.

Oh. Well, in that case,

You got a little moustache
coming in.

See you.

Hello, jake.
Hello.

So did you get the ticket yet?

Not yet,
but I'm wearing her down.

Ticket's still available,
becker.

Give it your best sh*t.

Relax. I'm here for a cigarette.

As far as the ticket goes,

I think you
are a capable, talented,

Intelligent woman who certainly
can make up her own mind

Who she wants to spend
the evening with.

Anything?

Nothing.

Well, it's been a long day.

That's all I got.

Hey, reg.

How long have you been in there,
you little freak?

That's not important.

What's important is, bob's
mother-in-law had liposuction.

In a similar development,
someone took a nail file

To mount rushmore.

What could that possibly have
to do with me?

All right,
I'll spell it out for you.

The wife and kids went
to take care of the old buffalo.

That means bob's available
for hockey.

I am not taking you
to the hockey game.

How about après hockey?

I could be waiting for you
in a bubble bath.

All right.
I got you to picture me naked.

[ Knock on door ]

If this is about my car parked
in your space, I'm not moving.

If this is about my wash--
margaret: john, it's margaret.

Just open the damn door.

It's open.

Oh, did you notice it smells

Like cabbage out there?

Yeah, it's the old couple
at the end of the hallway.

Either they cook sauerkraut
every night

Or they've been dead
since tuesday.

Oh, well, keep a good thought.

Mr. Hernik's test results
came in right after you left.

I thought you'd want
to see them.

Thank you.

Oh, no, no, no...

Oh, damn it.

They're all normal.
I mean, what am I missing?

Well, john, just relax.

You know you always figure
these things out.

I swear,
you're harder on yourself

Than you are on anyone else.

Well, thank you, margaret.

Hey! How many times
I got to tell you,

Quit sliding menus
under my door!

Look, I've eaten
in this crappy restaurant.

Don't think I don't know
what's going on down there too.

I've seen that dumpster
full of dog collars.

[ Clears throat ]

What I said before about you
being too hard on yourself--

Yeah, never mind?

Afraid so.

Good night.

Mm-hm.

Doctor, I've been meaning
to ask you

How's my patient doing?

Your patient?

Mr. Hernik. I'm the one
who checked him in, remember?

Oh, brother.

Actually, linda, I appreciate
your concern but so far,

I haven't figured out
what his problem is.

Wanna know
what I think's weird?

Better pull up a chair.

He works indoors,
in a bank, right?

Yes.

And he was in bermuda
six weeks ago?

Yes.

Then how come he still
has a great tan?

Linda, I am sure
the doctor doesn't want--

Hold it-- hold on.

You know, his tan
should have faded by now.

Maybe it's not a tan.
Maybe it's hyper pigmentation.

Hyper pigmentation. That's it.

You want me to call the lab?

Yeah, have them run a serum
cortisol and electrolytes.

Electrolytes.
That's what I was thinking.

Right. And I'll have them
rush us the results.

[ Dial touch-tone phone ]

Um, I know we all know

What we're talking about here.

But just in case, how would
I explain this to someone

Who had absolutely no clue?

It's quite possible that
mr. Hernik has addison's disease

Which would explain the fatigue,
the tan not fading

And why I can't find it
wherever I look for it.

Hey, linda, thank you.

Y-y-you helped me
and you really,

Really helped my patient.

Uh--

Good-- good-- good job.

So, uh, margaret,

How many lives
did you save today?

If you leave now, one.

Right.

Come on, reg, the game starts
in less than an hour.

Yeah, pick one of us,
will you?

Okay. Okay.

I'm thinking
of a number between--

Come on.
For god's sakes, woman, come on.

Well, it's hard.

If I choose becker,
you'll be mad at me.

But if I choose you,
then he'll be mad at me.

So...

I'll just let the two
of you decide

And then you can be mad
at each other.

I'll see somebody at the garden.

Surprise me. Bye, boys.

[ Laughs ]

W-where does she get off
playing us

Against each other like that?

I mean, that's just--

That's just wrong, you know.

I don't know
if I even wanna go now.

Well, why-- why are women
so manipulative?

So conniving.

You're taking the ticket,
aren't you?

I-i really want to go, jake.

Come on, man, let's be strong.

Let's teach her a lesson.

Oh, you're right, you're right.

What was I thinking?

We need to have
a little self-respect here.

Let me take you out to dinner.
Okay, I'm for that.

Just seems like a waste
of a good ticket?

I know, I know.
Hello, losers.

Where's reggie?

Reggie went to the hockey game.

Oh, bob's too late.

Well...
Not really.

Uh, actually, bob, uh,

She left you the extra ticket.

Isn't that right, jake?
Yeah, that's right.

She said she wants you
to meet her there.

Yeah, she said, uh,
there's no one

She would rather spend

The evening with than you.

I can't believe it.

Bob's been waiting
his whole life for this.

There's actually a tear
in bob's eye.

I'm sure reggie's gonna feel

The same way.

Dinner?

Love to.

[ Both laugh ]

[ upbeat jazz theme plays ]

[ upbeat jazz theme playing ]