01x21 - Lucky Day

[bunniefuu]

[ blues theme playing ]

Just when I thought TV
couldn't get any dumber.

I saw this show last night,
I didn't catch the name,

but they ought to just
call it Antique CrapFest.

You know, this--
This yokel brings in

this battered old spittoon,

and some genius tells him
how much it's worth.

That's it.
That's the whole show.

I can hardly wait
for High Definition TV

so I can see that
with a sharper picture.

You're early, Becker,

totally depriving me
of the chance of saying:

"Oh, God,
he'll be here any minute."

You--? You do that?

What are you, new?

Why so early?

No traffic.
Caught every light.

Found a parking spot
right out front.

Sounds like your lucky day.
No, Reg, no such thing.

It's just a "good-traffic,
good-parking day." That's all.

REG:
What's your problem?

Would a lucky day destroy
your view of life

as a bleak and punishing hell?

Oh, it took you a while,
Reg,

but you finally
figured him out.

I'm taking a paper here, Jake.
Okay.

Oh, hell.
What's wrong?

I lost my wallet.

Well, the-- There's your lucky
day for you. Ah, sh**t.

You know, not only was
it perfectly molded to my butt,

but I gotta-- I gotta go get

new credit cards,
driver's license...

And, oh, you know that little
card you get from the car wash?

You get one free
with every ten you have?

I was up to eight.

I've seen your car. What's that?
Four years down the drain?

[ chuckling ]
Yeah, very nice, very nice.

Well, as long as I'm
already suffering,

I might as well
let you cook me breakfast.

What is all this stuff?

I'm doing something
I've been putting off.

I'm cleaning this place
from top to bottom.

You seem awfully cheerful
about it.

Yeah, I guess I am.

Maybe it's that sense
of renewal,

or maybe it's that feeling
of personal accomplishment.

Or maybe it's 'cause
if you don't do it,

the Board of Health
will come in and make you.

Excuse me.
I found this wallet outside.

Any chance
there's a John Becker in here?

Yeah.
whoa, whoa, whoa.

Sit down, sit down.

Yeah, I-- I'm John Becker.
Thank you very much.

H-hold on, pal,
get back here.

Well, the money's all here.
What are you, an idiot?

Oh, here, no,
I'm sorry.

No,
I'm just doing the right thing.

Maybe you'll return
the favor one day.

Gee, Becker,
this is your lucky day.

You lost your wallet on
the street and you got it back.

Yeah, I lost my wallet
at my parents' house

and didn't get it back.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

[ ringing ]

Doctor's office.

What do you want, Louis?

No, I didn't get any flowers.

And if you think sending
your wife some thorny roses

is gonna make up
for what you did,

then you can just
forget it.

Problem?
I don't wanna talk about it.

But, Margaret,
I'm a very good listener.

In high school,
everyone used to come to me

with their problems.

Even the vice principal
used to call me

into his office just to talk.

He even called me at home.

Linda, he was hitting on you.

I know and we talked about that.

Linda.
Fine. Keep your pain inside.

But I believe it was
Cole Porter who said:

"If you need me, call me,

"'cause there ain't
no mountain high enough

to keep me from you."

I believe it was Diana Ross.

It's always about you
being right, isn't it?

No wonder your marriage
is falling apart.

Morning.
Oh, you're in early.

Yeah, there was no traffic

and I got a parking spot
right out front.

What's up?
X-ray machine's broken again.

Uh.
But I called the company

and they're sending
someone over.

And your favorite patient
is in Room 1.

Ehrlich? Oh, man.

There-- There goes my lucky day.
You know, I hate this guy.

He is without doubt
the neediest, whiniest,

most boring patient I have.

Every week he comes in here,

and he monopolizes my time
with stupid questions.

Why is it that the good patients
always die,

a-and the pains in the asses
go on and on?

Yeah. Why is that?

Mr. Ehrlich,
how are you doing today?

Well, you know.

Not good. Not bad.

Not great. But not horrible.

Thanks for asking.

I have to. It's my job.

All right, Mr. Ehrlich,

let me just get
comfortable here.

Okay, I'm ready.
What's going on with you today?

My company's transferred me
to Florida,

and I just
stopped in to say goodbye.

Excuse me?

Unless, medically,

you think there's some reason
I shouldn't go.

No. God, no.

I mean, congratulations.

I tell you what,
Mr. Ehrlich.

We'll get your records
all together,

and then we'll forward them to
you down in Florida, all right?

Good luck. Goodbye.

Next time you're in Florida
you'll look me up?

Sure thing.

Oh, look at those
lovely flowers. They're for you.

Thank you.

Don't touch those.

Margaret,
it's okay.

And I'm here for you.

Once again, I think it was
Cole Porter said it best.

"People who need people
are the--"

Shut up, Linda.

Okay.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ knocking ]
Yeah?

John,
I forgot to tell you

there's a registered letter
for you at the post office.

The mailman brought it before
you got in.

Why didn't he just leave it?
You have to sign for it.

Oh, man. Now I have to go
to the post office?

Oh, that's payback for you.

Excuse me?
Payback. It's how it works.

Something good happens and
something bad happens in return.

Ehrlich leaves, now I have to go
to the post office.

I hate that place.

The long lines,
the incompetence.

It's the worst place on Earth.

You can almost smell
the despair.

Could you go for me?

I told you,
you have to sign for it.

Well,
you know how to forge my name.

You've done it a thousand times.

John, it's a federal offence.
They could throw me in jail.

I promise, your job will be
waiting for you

when you get out.

Come on.

John,
I don't think I can pull it off.

Our uncanny physical resemblance
notwithstanding.

Besides,
and this may ring a bell,

you have to sign for it!

[ blues theme playing ]

What am I, an idiot?

Uh, my name's Becker. I've got
this little thingy here.

Sorry, I'm on my break.

Oh, yeah, that figures.

As soon as I get
up to the front win--

Hi.

May I help you?

You work here?
Sure do.

Well, uh,
it's for a registered letter.

Of course I know
what happens now.

You're gonna tell me
somehow you misplaced it,

so you'll have to go in the back

and look around for hours,
right?

Uh, no, it's right here.

Just sign right there.

Are you guys under new
management or something?

You should relax, Dr. Becker.
You're very tense.

Yeah, look who's talking.

Nobody ever said
the guy went medical on me.

There you go. Here's your letter
and a change of address card.

Thank you. Oh, actually,
uh, yeah, I haven't moved.

I have.

Oh.

It's better here.

You know, I think that, uh,
that extra penny for stamps

is really working out.

[ blues theme playing ]

Okay, you guys were going on

about my lucky day this morning.
Well, check this out.

It's a letter from the IRS.
Anyone wanna call me crazy now?

I will.
Yeah, well, you'd be wrong.

I tell you something.
This is gonna be

one of the worst days
of my life.

What the hell
are you talking about, Becker?

All right, uh, Reg,

ima-- Imagine a-a big
rubber band.

Oh,
the rubber band thing.

Wait till you hear
what a crock this is.

Jake, you have a customer.
Hang on, I'll be right there.

Jake,
there's no one there.

John, why don't you just stick
your leg out and trip me?

This seemed
so much more artful.

Anyway, see,

with every so-called
lucky thing,

the rubber band gets stretched
a little bit more.

No traffic,
good parking space,

my wallet was returned,

my worst patient left town,

the best experience in the post
office I've ever had.

That anyone's ever had.

And then:

Thwack!

A letter from the IRS.

I'm not making this stuff up,
you know.

It's been happening
throughout history.

Yeah, beautiful cruise ship,
iceberg.

Cinderella finally
meets the prince,

she loses her slipper.

Wait, wait, wait. Didn't
the prince use it to find her,

and then they lived
happily ever after?

Oh, come on, please. That's just
the candy-ass version

they give to the kids.

What really happened is

Cinderella goes back
to live with her stepmother,

who forces her
into a life of prostitution,

working the not-so-enchanted
streets

around the castle.

Becker, you have a totally bent
way of looking at things.

Is that right?
How do you look at things, Reg?

Like a normal person.

Good things happen,
bad things happen.

Is that right?
How do you explain this?

You think the IRS
is writing to tell me

that I'm Taxpayer
of the Year?

You know what?
Here. Here it is.

I'll prove it to you
right here.

Look at this.

Oh, boy.

What? What is it?

I just got
a $700 tax refund.

Don't move.
Reg, you got a paper back there?

Okay, open it up
to the sports section.

Now, I don't care
what you think, John.

You are having a lucky day
and I want in on it.

Okay, give it to him.

Come on, John,
pick me a horse.

I-I don't wanna--
Come on, John.

You're like a big
white rabbit's foot.

Look, look,
just point to one, okay?

There's gotta be a horse
that's perfect for you.

Lucky John, Doctor's Joy.
Fine, there.

"Royal Pain."

Close enough. See you.

Jake, you have a customer.
Yeah, right.

Take whatever you want.
Everything's free today.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Okay, just leave us a urine
sample and you're outta here.

Ah. Well, I'll try,
but you know,

I have to tell you I'm not that
good at performing in public.

Well, not many people are.

That's why we put
that door up there.

Yes, Louis,
Margaret got the flowers.

They're-- They're very lovely.

Look, Louis,
what's going on with you two?

Uh-huh.
Linda.

Can't this wait? 'Cause Louis
is spilling his guts.

Do I have any messages?

Hold on, Louis.

Yeah, Bobby Delrusso called.

Oh, will you tell that kid
I'm not buying

any more of his damn
raffle tickets?

The raffle was last week

and he called to say
you won a CD player.

I won?
Yeah.

Oh, man.

She did? Louis, I'm so...

Uh, I-I gotta go, gotta go.

Was that my Louis?

He needed to talk.
Margaret, the man's in agony.

Good.
Is he ready to apologize?

He doesn't even know
what he did.

Frankly, we're both a little
surprised by your attitude.

My attitude?
Do you wanna know what he did?

Well, you know me,
I don't like to get involved.

But if you really wanna tell me.

Sit down.
Okay.

We're in bed.
You know what? Never mind.

No.

I'm reading,
he's watching basketball.

Half-time comes,
Louis turns off the sound

and starts to snuggle.

You know, letting me know
that he's in the mood.

Margaret, maybe I don't need--
No. It sounds good to me.

But I know this man.

And I know he's thinking

this is just a good way
to k*ll 15 minutes.

I mean, I could've been
a bag of potato chips.

So I said,
"Louis, I would love to,

"but I am no half-time show.

"Now, you must understand.

"If we do this,
the Knicks game goes off

and it stays off.

You've got a choice to make."

He did not choose wisely.

Margaret,

look, you love your husband
and he loves you.

And making love
is the most beautiful way

of expressing those feelings
for each other.

I mean, think about it. He could
have been at a bar somewhere

with his buddies watching
the game or with another woman.

But he wasn't.

He was at home in bed with you.

I envy you, Margaret.

Do you know how lucky you are

to have a man
who knows your needs,

who knows your wants,

who knows your name?

Thank you, Linda.

Yes, Linda. Linda.

Is that so hard to remember?

[ blues theme playing ]

Linda, did that guy ever come
to fix the x-ray machine?

I mean, you call these guys
and they never show up.

Whatever happened
to having pride in your work?

Where's the professionalism?

Any chance
I'm gonna see the doctor today?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Keep your pants on, will you?

Actually, doctor,
he's been here and gone.

He fixed the machine
and said it was good as new.

Oh. Yeah, well,
how much did he stick us for?

Nothing.
It was just a loose connection.

Oh.

Come on, come on.
I don't have all day. Come on.

[ whistles ]

What's that?
It's from Louis.

Well,
put it with the flowers.

Oh, come on, Margaret.
I bet it's an apology.

I don't care.

Oh, look, it's open.

He sent you a credit card.
Give me that.

It's not a credit card.
It's a hotel room key.

[ giggling ]

Oh, that sugar bear.

Look what he did.

We are spending the night
in the Huntley Hotel.

You know what?
We are just about done here.

I think I will clear out
a little early.

Close up for me, will you? Bye.

I need Mr. Martin's file.

Where-- Where's Margaret?

Oh, um, she just left early.

Louis is treating her
to a romantic evening

at the Huntley Hotel.

Oh, I love that place.
They got a great bar.

They also have
that satellite dish

so they can pick up
the blacked-out Knicks games.

Uh-oh.

Oh, Mr. Messinger,
I forgot about you.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

I just-- I can't.
Well, don't worry about it.

J-just go on home and bring
it back in the morning.

Oh, I can do that?

Sure.
It's our Home Peeing Option.

Oh, great.
Should I bring it back in this?

No, no, fax it to me.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]

Hey, guys.

I see you made it through
your day alive, Becker.

So far. Yeah.

Well, I'm afraid I've got some
more bad news for you, John.

What?
Our horse won.

I cut you in for half.
Here you go.

Oh, man, you know,
I can't catch a break.

You're welcome.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go do
what normal people do

when they come into
a whole bunch of money,

go have some fun.

Is this place
ever gonna be a diner again?

Never mind that. Look at what
I found in the storeroom.

A TV guide from 1986.

I love the crossword puzzle.
They're so easy.

Oh, look at this.

"Action show. The blank team."

Hmm.

If I remember correctly,
that would be

the mind-numbing-pabulum-
to-keep-the-masses-

from-doing-anything-interesting-
with-their-lives-Team.

The A-Team.

But thanks for your help.

Hey,
where'd you get that pen?

I found it when I was
cleaning behind the stove.

Pretty nice, huh?

My-- My mother gave me that pen

when I graduated
from med school.

I lost that a couple
of years ago.

Nice try.
No, no, I mean it.

I've been looking all over
for this. Look right there.

There are my initials. "J.B."
Ha.

Getting that back,
that's kind of lucky,

don't you think?

Oh, now,
don't start with me, Reg.

It j-- It just means
that the rubber band

hadn't been stretched
far enough yet.

That's all.
Oh, boy, am I gonna get it.

Fine, Becker. Let me help you.
What are you doing?

I'm gonna make things better.
No pen, no punishment.

Oh, come on, don't you think
they see through that?

Who's they?
Them. They.

The powers that make
all the bad things happen.

Oh, yeah,

the Rubber Band People.

But, okay,

[ yelling ]
I'm throwing the pen away.

Oh, it doesn't work that way.

I mean, I got the pen.

It's already on the list.

You know, only you could take
an entire day of good fortune,

and turn it into
a diabolical plot.

Do you know
how egotistical it is to think

that the entire universe
revolves around

what happens to John Becker?

Yeah, I know.
I don't get that part either.

God, Becker,
if you keep this up,

I mean,
you're just gonna miss out

on all the good things
that happen in your life.

Now, do you want the pen or not?

The pen does mean a lot to me.

Then take it.

Yeah.

Truth is,
I could use this tax refund too.

Then cash it, spend it,
and just shut up.

All right, all right.
But I tell you this doesn't mean

that something bad
isn't gonna still happen.

Well, we can only hope.

[ blues theme playing ]

Oh, a quarter.

[ yells ]

Are you okay?
Huh?

Oh, yeah,

I just got hit
with a rubber band, that's all.

I've been waiting
for this all day.

Then you're all right?

Yeah, I'm fine now.
Good.

Then give me your wallet.

What?
Give me your wallet.

Okay. All right, all right.

Hold on. Wallet, horse winnings

and the tax refund.

Nice touch.

While you're at it,
I'll take that gold pen.

Oh, yeah, there you go.

The pen too.

I didn't see that coming.

That was-- That was good.

Oh, Dr. Becker, good news.

It turns out
I'm not being transferred

to Florida after all.

Oh, look. A quarter.

Must be my lucky day.

See you next week.

I love your work.

[ blues theme playing ]

[ blues theme playing ]