05x15 - Nightmare on Becker Street

[bunniefuu]

II

(sneezes)

God bless you.

There is no God,
but thanks for the thought.

The door is stuck.

Well, keep trying;
you'll get it.

It still won't open.

Try kicking it!

(kicking door)

Ah...

Wait, wait.
Hold, hold, hold it, hold it.

Let-let me, uh,
give you some help here.

Oh, thank you.

Try shoving it
with your shoulder.

All right, fine, move out,
move out of the way.

(grunts, mutters)

There. Was that so hard?

(chuckles)
Oh, thank you so much.

I don't know
what I would have done

if you hadn't been here.

Yeah, yeah.
I'm a real lifesaver.

(sneezes)

Oh, look, you're sick.

Let me heat you up
some nice chicken soup.

Yeah, lady, I don't eat
hot dogs off carts

or buy lemonade
from kids on the street.

I'm certainly not gonna
take soup from a total stranger.

Now, good night.

It's got noodles in it.

BECKER:
No!

Shaped like little stars.

Well, maybe one bowl.

Hey, Chris, come on!

I ordered a three-minute egg
20 minutes ago.

CHRIS:
Hey, stop right there!

Don't you move.

Now, hold still!

(banging and clattering)

Well, sounds like

the chicken just don't want
to give it up.

There's been a damn fly buzzing
around here all morning, but...

it's okay. I think...
I think I k*lled it.

(buzzing)

Oh, yeah? Who's that?
One of the mourners?

All right, nobody move.

It's in the register.

(sighs)
I got him. He's trapped.

Okay. Now what?

Well, since she only opens that
for paying customers,

I'm guessing the fly
will suffocate to death.

Margaret, I just did the
stupidest thing I've ever done.

And we all know the bar
is set pretty high.

I went for coffee

in Kevin's neighborhood,
and he saw me.

Kevin? Is this the guy who
thinks you live in Los Angeles?

Yes, which is where
I'm supposed to be today.

See? I told you all this lying
would catch up to you.

Why don't you just end this
phony long-distance relationship

and tell him that you live
here in New York?

I don't want to end

the hottest relationship
I've ever had.

The more I don't see him,
the more I want to.

Yeah.
I'm that way with breakfast.

The more I don't see it
in front of me,

the more I want it.

Bob, it's almost lunch.
Shut up.

So, listen, listen, when you...

when you saw Kevin,
what did you say?

I told him the head
of our New York office d*ed

and I came back to the city
for the funeral.

So, how did he die?

I don't know. Kevin didn't ask.

What do you care?

Well, I better get out of here.

I told Kevin I'd meet him
after the funeral,

so I have to find a black dress

that says both "bon voyage"
and "welcome aboard."

Where are you going
in such a hurry?

To a funeral.
My boss d*ed.

Well, I guess
everybody got their wish.

I did go to hell.

-Hey.
-So, Becker,

why don't you tell everybody
about your hot weekend?

What are you talking about?
I was in bed with a cold.

We heard you were in bed
with the lady across the hall.

It's true.

That's the rumor
going around the building.

All right, John!

0h, don't be silly.

She's twice my age.

She's 140?

Very amusing.

Ah, take it
where you can get it, John.

You know, when I was 15,

I had a relationship
with a woman twice my age.

Yeah, she was 30.
That was hot.

This woman was hot
in the '305.

I just helped her get
her apartment door open,

and she returned the favor
by making me chicken soup.

I don't know, John.

A woman her age...
sounds like the perfect match.

She's hard of hearing.

She'll think you're delightful.

(laughter)

Yeah, and she probably doesn't
see that well,

so she'll think you're handsome.

(laughter)

She's already lived
through the Depression,

so she'll probably think
you're fun.

(laughter)

You... you guys
enjoying this, I hope.

-0h, yeah.
-0h, yeah.

-Loving it!
-(Laughter)

Let me just get a cigarette,
and I'll get out of your way.

ALL:
No, no, no, no...

-(a|| groaning)
-(fly buzzing)

What?

I trapped a fly in there,
and you let it out.

You put a fly in there
with my cigarettes?

You know how unhealthy
that is?

(knocking)

0h. Hey.

All right, it happened again.

This is the third time this week

I've gotten a package addressed
to a "Mrs. John Becker."

0h. Hey, my CDs finally arrived.

Yeah. Solid Gold Hits
from the 705.

Yeah, that's groovy.

Listen, why do you keep
sending things to my apartment?

So I don't get all the junk mail
they send afterward.

Oh, you know,
I should be angry with you,

but now that I know your taste
in music, I just pity you.

Are you, uh...
you baking bread?

0h, muffins, actually.

Yeah, Mrs. Firth, my neighbor,
made them.

0h, your girlfriend.

Oh, come on, she's trying
to be a good neighbor.

You know, she's over here
baking, dusting, ironing.

She even scrubbed out
the bathroom.

All this time, I thought
my shower door was frosted.

You know, John,

you are treating
that sweet old lady

like she's your maid.

You're taking advantage of her.

I'm not taking advantage of her.

Boy, that pigeon poop

sure builds up
on the fire escape.

I did not ask her to do that.

Mrs. Firth, this is, uh,

Chris from upstairs.
You know her.

-0h, yes.
-Hi.

I've seen you
around the building.

Well, it's nice meeting you.

And don't let him
work you too hard.

0h.

-She's very sweet.
-Huh.

Try not to break her heart...

or her hip.

(door closes)

Hey, Mrs. Firth.

Yeah, I-I don't want
to take advantage of you.

You don't mind doing all
of these things for me, do you?

0h, not at all.

It's so nice having someone
to do things for.

Oh, oh...

Uh...

Miss... Mrs. Firth?

0h.

Someone has been working out.

Look, I-I'm sorry.

I may have inadvertently
led you astray here,

but I-I just want
to be neighbors.

That-that-that's all.

You don't find me attractive?

That-that's not the point.

I... I mean, you're very...

You know, I'm sure,
you know, for a woman your...

I'll bet, in your day, you...

I-I'm married.

-To whom?
-To whom?

Uh, to whom do you think?

To my wife.

To-to, uh...
to Chris, as a matter of fact.

Chris-- the girl
who was just here.

See, look at that.

"Mrs. John Becker."

That-that's her-- my wife.

Well, if you're married,
why doesn't she live here?

Because she lives...
upstairs, and, uh...

we're-we're-we're going to,
uh, turn this into, uh,

one of those,
you know, duplexes.

Break through the ceiling.

It's going to be fantastic.

I-I got plans here.

So, anyway, the point is...
the point is that, um,

you know, th-that's why
this is just not

going to happen
for the two of us.

You understand that, don't you?

Of course you do.
Anyway, bye-bye.

(Mrs. Firth stammers)

Are you saying that,
if you weren't married,

you and I could be together?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I-I couldn't take my hands
off of you.

But, uh, unfortunately,
I am married to-to Chris.

So, you know,
what are you going to do?

Anyway, good night.
Bye-bye.

Okay, then.

I'll see you.

(fly buzzing)

Damn fly. This is my breakfast.

Can't you do something
about this?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I've been trying

to get rid of it for two days,

but it just sits there
with its bug eyes

and its stupid little fly face,
mocking me.

Wh-Why don't you just catch him?

You know, I used to catch flies
for fun when I was a kid.

You played with flies?

Well, we were poor.
I had a Big Wheel and a fly.

Now, see, they got eyes
on either side of their head,

so if you go directly at it,
they never see you coming.

Then you just grab it.

What do you got to lose?
Give it a try.

-Yeah.
-All right, well, what the hell.

Ooh, ooh! I got it!

-Sh-She got it, she got it!
-I-I-I...!

It worked, it worked.

It's in my hand.

-Ew! It's in my hand.
-(buzzing)

Oh, come on.
All right, you know what?

The only reason he bothers us
is because we let him.

Let's ignore him,
he'll think we don't care,

then he'll leave.

All right, all right, all right.

(fly continues buzzing)

All right, that's it!

We cannot catch it.
We can't ignore it.

We have to k*ll it.

I'm going to go down
to the hardware store,

I'm going to get some poison,

and we'll gas
the little bastard.

Out of my way, Becker.
I'm going to buy some poison.

0h, don't give up
on yourself there, Bob.

There's always night school.

Uh, do me a favor, will you?

Uh, if you see Mrs. Firth
in the building,

back me up on something;
I told her that you and I...

0h, Chris, I put
the muffins in the oven.

-Just give them another
20 minutes. -CHRIS: 0h, thanks.

Wh-What...
what are you doing here?

0h, hi, John.

Chris and I had a lovely morning
getting to know each other.

Why?

I've been telling Mrs. Firth

all about our wedding day.

Oh, thank God. Oh...

Yeah, whoa, what a great day
that was, too!

Just the beginning
of many happy years together.

She just told me
that you're getting a divorce.

Thanks.

Thanks a lot, yeah.

All right, all right,
the truth is...

going through
a little rough patch here,

but, you know, I still love her,

and I'm-I'm willing to fight
to make it work.

John, I don't think
we can repair this.

-Yes, we can.
-I don't think so.

-We can.
-No, we can't.

Please, I'm begging you.

You know, the begging
was cute when we first met,

but not now.

Besides, the sex
is so bad, and...

Frankly, once that goes,
what's left?

I'll have you know that many
of the women I've had sex with

have been--
and I'm quoting here--

"relatively pleased."

Well, it looks like nothing
is standing in our way now.

No.

(mouthing)

I guess you're all mine.

No, no, no...

All right, you...
All right, you know something?

I've been trying to spare

your feelings here,
but you know what?

If you're not gonna
take "no" for an answer,

I'm just gonna
have to be harsh.

You're sexy when you're angry.

Really? You think so?
Because I find that he's...

-Hey, just shut up, will you?
-You're right,

you're right,
you're right, you're right.

I'm sorry.
I should leave you two alone.

Look, Mrs. Firth, I...
I lied to you.

I don't want to be with you.

Oh, but you will be.

You're what I want...

and I always get what I want.

Margaret, I'm leaving.
Wish me luck.

If you think you're leaving
in the middle of the day,

you're gonna need it.

But I'm taking your advice.

I called Kevin. I told him
to meet me at the diner.

I'm gonna tell him the truth.

Can't you do that
on your own time?

Margaret, could you be serious
for just a minute?

If I don't do this now,
I never will.

You were right--
I can't continue to live a lie.

Bye.

-Where are you going?
-Jury duty. Bye.

0h, Margaret, yeah, a Mrs. Firth

from my building calls,
I'm not in.

0h, your girlfriend.

(laughs)
Lovers' quarrel?

It's not funny.
The other day, she molested me.

What?

Yeah, she grabbed my ass.

I mean, H was groped
by the honey fingers

of a horny senior citizen.

Maybe it would help

if you thought of her
as three 30-year-olds.

(laughs)

Look, you-you don't understand.

This woman is tormenting me.

She was just over at the diner.
She kissed me.

And then last night,
the phone rings,

all I hear is heavy breathing.

John, are you sure it was her?

Oh, it was her all right.
Before she hung up,

I heard her clap the lights off.

Margaret?

(sighs)
What is it now?

All right,
this just turned creepy.

She was here.

-Who?
-Mrs. Firth.

She left soup on my table here.
Look at that.

I recognize the bowl.
That's her china pattern.

What are you so afraid of?
She's an old woman.

Yeah, she's an old woman
who's stalking me.

You know something,
I'm calling the cops.

Fine, you do that,

I'm going to draw
a chalk outline

around the evidence.

Yes, yes, I'd like
to report a stalker.

Yeah, she's very scary,
very dangerous.

Uh, female, about 75 years old,
weighs about 95 pounds,

she w... she wears those
little orthopedic shoes.

This is not funny!

Look, you know,
she-she touched my butt,

and then she left soup here
in my... on my desk.

-(click)
-He||o? Hello?

-Hey.
-Hey.

So why did you want
to meet me here?

Hold on, I left my gum
in your mouth.

You want it back?

I'll get it later.

So what's going on?

I thought you were going
back to Los Angeles

after the funeral.

Kevin, I've got something
to tell you.

Okay.

I haven't been
completely honest.

I didn't come in from LA.
because my boss d*ed.

There is no boss.
I made it all up.

I live in New York,
and I have the whole time.

Wow. I... can't believe it.

I know. I'm so sorry.

But I only lied
to keep things exciting.

No, I can't believe
you finally told me.

I knew that all along.

But how?

I see you everywhere.

Why didn't you say something?

Well, that whole long-distance
fantasy thing was your idea,

so I figured you were into it.

Besides, when you're pretending
to be in Los Angeles,

I get to date other women.

-You cheated on me?!
-0h, come on.

I've seen you
with other guys all the time.

You spied on me?!

Well, that's it. Forget it.

I can't have a relationship
with someone who's so dishonest.

Linda, whoa, whoa.
Linda, Linda...

our entire relationship
is based on dishonesty.

0h, right, I forgot.

So... so what do we do now?

I guess we have to break up.

Yeah.

Though it seems a shame
to give up such great sex.

Although, if things were hot

when we only saw each other
every few weeks,

imagine how great they'd be

if we thought we'd never
see each other again.

-Hey, Linda.
-Hi.

This your boyfriend?

Yeah, this is Kevin.

Things are so great,

after tonight,
I might never see him again.

So that's the key
to a successful relationship.

Finding a woman who never
wants to see you again.

Hmm, I'm doing a lot better
than I thought.

What's up, Chris?
Can I get a cup of coffee?

So, uh, how's that thing
working out with the fly?

I don't see him around.

Well, I use that spray
you brought, and, uh...

-and I guess I k*lled him.
-0h.

Well, glad I could help out.

So he's gone?

-Yeah. So...
-Good.

Done.

Hey, what's going on?

Chris k*lled the fly.

Well, it's about time.
(chuckles)

But it is, uh...
kind of quiet in here, huh?

Well, I-I thought you guys
hated it.

Well, you know, I did,
but I kind of got used to it.

Kind of like Bob.

So you'd be sad
if she k*lled me?

I asked you a question.

Sure, I would. Sure, I would.

-Wow. So the fly's really gone.
-Yeah.

You know, this may sound
a little weird, but, uh...

I think I just might miss
that little guy.

Well... well, you know,
maybe I didn't k*ll it.

I-I didn't actually see it die.

Maybe it just
flew out the window.

Well, that's what I'm
gonna think.

-Yeah, me, too. Me, too.
-Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah.

(buzzing)

(laughing)

All right, he's back! He's okay!

Oh, thank God!
I didn't k*ll him.

Hey, I'm glad he's back.

Hey, you know what? I got the
perfect little box at home.

I'm going to go home and
make him a little flyquarium.

"Flyquarium"?

He needs all the friends
he can get.

Just let him go.

Hey, guys. Coffee, please.

Hey, what are you
doing here so late?

Oh, I can't go home.
I might bump into Mrs. Firth,

who, thanks to you,
is still stalking me.

I'm sorry. I couldn't stay
in an unhappy marriage.

-(fly buzzing)
-Very funny.

I should never have helped that
old bag out in the first place.

That's what I get
for being such a nice guy.

(Chris and Jake gasp)

Oh! What?

What?

Well, you-you k*lled it!

0h. If that old lady
would stand still long enough,

I'd take care of her, too.

What?

Come on.

(muttering):
Crazy...

0h! Geez!

How... how the hell
did you get in here?

I made a copy of your key.

Was that bad?

Do you want to punish me?

No, no, no.

0h, playing hard to get.
I like that.

What do I have to do
to make you stop?

There's nothing you can do
to make me stop.

I know where you live,
I know where you work,

and I'm never going to quit.

Yeah, yeah, all right,
you know what... you win.

You know, I give up.
You win.

I always do.

No, no, no! Wait, wait, wait.

Look, I'm-I'm not
the kind of guy

who just jumps into bed
on the first date.

Now, now, tie that thing up.

Look, I-I-I need a little...

I don't know,
some romance or something.

You know, maybe-maybe dinner.

That sounds nice.

We could go to that
little Italian restaurant

on the corner.

0h, that'd be great.

Now, see, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.

I'll tell you what,
why-why-why don't you, uh,

go home and change?

I'll, uh... come back,

and I'll-I'll pick you up
in a few minutes, all right?

You wouldn't be trying
to trick me, would you?

Wha... How could I?

I mean, like you said,
you know where I live,

you know where I work.
I can't hide from you.

That's right, you can't,

and I'm glad you
understand that, John.

I'm going to go home and change.

All right,
I'll be right over.

Now, why would you do that?

Because I don't know
what else to do!

Do you really think a locked
door will keep us apart?

No.

That's why I'm moving
this sofa over.

Do what you want,

but you can't stay
in there forever.

Hey. Hey, Mrs. Firth,
how you doing?

Hello, Bob.

You get locked out
of your apartment?

No, the door's stuck.

0h, here, let me help you.

0h. Thank you.
It's so nice to meet

a nice, polite, young man,
for a change.

Eh, it's no problem.

Sometimes you just got to
give it a little shove.

Oh. Oh, thank you.

No problem. I'll see you.

(sneezes)

Oh! Oh, dear, you're sick.

Yeah, I think
I'm getting a cold.

Oh, that's too bad.

Why don't you come on in
for a nice bowl of chicken soup?

I don't know, Mrs. Firth.

I mean, you know how people
in the building talk.

What if someone sees me going
into your apartment, huh?

0h, don't be silly, Bob.

You're sick, and you need
someone to take care of you.

Well, I...

I guess one bowl couldn't hurt.

(door closes)

Tag. You're it.