03x02 - Brain Noir

[bunniefuu]

Gee, Brain, what do you
want to do tonight?

Same thing we do
every night, Pinky.

Try to take over the world.

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ One is a genius ♪

♪ The other's insane ♪

♪ They're
laboratory mice ♪

♪ Their genes
have been spliced ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain,
brain, brain ♪

♪ Before each night
is done ♪

♪ Their plan
will be unfurled ♪

♪ By the dawning
of the sun ♪

♪ They'll take over
the world ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Yes, Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Their twilight campaign ♪

♪ Is easy to explain ♪

♪ To prove
their mousy worth ♪

♪ They'll overthrow
the Earth ♪

♪ They're dinky ♪

♪ They're Pinky
and the Brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain ♪

♪ Brain, brain, brain, brain. ♪

[Pinky]
Narf!

[Brain, voice-over]
You may be wondering

what a smart mouse
like me is doing

floating face down
in a large body of water.

Well, you could say

it's all a result of
the misguided attentions

I paid to a certain member
of the fairer sex.

[Pinky] Poit!

You mean you're in the soup
on account of a dame?

[Brain] Yes, Pinky,
to use the vernacular.

I suppose I should start
at the beginning.

The night began like any other.

I'd hatched a scheme

that was sure to take us
straight to the top.

Pinky, the key
to global conquest

sits right on the top
of your head.

Petroleum jelly?

A little dab'll do ya!
Zort!

No, Pinky.

Neek.

Your hat.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Behold the instrument
of our conquest.

Egad!

An amusement park for fleas.

No. It's the miniature
prototype

for my greatest stroke
of genius, Pinky.

The Fedor-A-Matic.

Observe.
We shall divert the flow

of the Los Angeles
Municipal Water Supply

to a gigantic version
of this mock-up.

Ooh, a water park!

Will it have slippery slides
and bumper boats?

Will it, Brain? Huh? Huh?

Look closer and see, Pinky.

Eek! Zort!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Yes, the Fedor-A-Matic
works like a dream!

I'll say. Poit!

I feel all tingly
in a good way. Oh!

You would.

But the more likely reaction

will be panic and utter chaos.

With the populace
trapped in their hats,

we shall seize Los Angeles

and then... Pomona!

Pomo... egad!

Brilliant, Brain.

Oh, but no, no, wait.

What about people
who don't wear hats?

There are no people
who don't wear hats.

It's 1946.

Everyone wears hats
all the time.

Now, come, Pinky.

We must travel to City Hall

and obtain the water rights

for the Fedor-A-Matic
from the council.

How, Brain?

Are we going to bribe them

with Captain Midnight
secret decoder rings?

No, Pinky.

Don't be too sure

I'm as crooked
as I'm supposed to be.

Besides, there's no reason

the city council
shouldn't look with favor

upon the ambitions
of a young lab mouse

trying to take over the world.

[Brain, voice-over]
It couldn't fail.

But then she walked
back into my life.

[gasp]

Billie, a comely female specimen

of consummate genetic design.

[Pinky] Is that like
a real swell dish

with more curves than
Mulholland Drive, Brain?

[Brain] Yes, Pinky.

[refined, alluring voice]
Hello, Egghead.

Billie, there's something...
different about you.

Well, I've been taking...

[inhales]

breath control lessons.

[gulp]

Yes, so I see.

Oof!

Oh, pardon me.

Zort! Ha ha!

Oh, this theater's so dark,

I can't seem to find
my seat. Ha ha ha!

[unrefined, squawky voice]
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

What a riot!

That's funny, Pink...

[catching herself]
Ooh.

I mean... how whimsical.

[humming]

If you've just come to laugh...

[squawky]
I need help, Eggie,

So I came to you.

Natch.

Natch. Ha ha!
Ha ha ha!

[refined]
I mean, naturally,

I decided to seek
your assistance.

How very flattering.

Now, if you'll excuse us,
Billie.

We have important labors
to attend to.

[squawky]
You mean, taking over the world

is more important than me?

Now, don't get all
malleable on me.

You always knew work came first.

Yes. That's why I left you
for Snowball.

Don't say that name.

You know what it does to me.

Sorry, Eggie.

I forgot.

But if it's any consolation,

I've left Sno... him.

And now I need your help.

Yes, well,

if you're in trouble,
get yourself a gumshoe.

Or at least a really sticky hat.

[bawling]

[Brain] I hated being tough
on the old girl,

but I was a mouse on a mission,

and no one was going
to get in my way.

- Oh! Whaa!
- Oh! Whaa!

- Ugh!
- Ugh!

[coughing]

[Brain] Correction.

No one else was going
to get in my way.

[Billie] Aah!

Help!

Help, Egghead!

Help! Help!

Pinky, it's Billie.

She really is in a pickle.

Oh. Dill or sweet?

It's all my fault.

Why didn't I help her?

Well, it might
have something to do

with the time
she r-r-r-ripped out your fragile heart,

then smashed it into millions
of tiny little pieces.

Yes.
Thank you, Pinky.

Yes, and then
squ-u-u-i-i-ished them all up

and ground them into paté.

I get the picture!

Oh, and then she left you

for that gerbil-y
fellow called...

[Snowball] Snowball.

I told you never
to say that name!

I didn't say it, Brain.

Then who...

did?

[gasp]

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh, I'm sorry, Brain.

But I do so love it

when you wail pathetically.

And now that Billie
is mine again,

I suppose you'll
be doing nothing but wailing.

Oh, I don't think so.

Brain gets terribly seasick.

You dirty...

hamster!

Let Billie go or I'll...

Oof!

Heads.

Tough luck, Brain.

Maybe you can try
for two out of three.

Natch.

Brain, Brain, Brain.

You should know by now

that no matter how many
times we play the game,

I always win.

Ta ha ha ha ha!

Well, I'll give my regards
to Billie for you.

Toodle-oo, old chum.

G'bye, Snowball.

Be sure to call again soon!

Don't be shy!

Drop by any ti... aah!

Oof!

To coin a phrase...

Ouch.

[Brain]
Billie needed me,

so, putting my plans
for world domination on hiatus,

we hastened to the palatial
abode of my nemesis.

[Pinky] You mean we hot-footed it
to the hamster's joint?

[Brain] Clam up, Pinky.

The hamster lived in one
of those $30,000 Spanish-style

Medieval castles that
everyone was so nuts about

a few years back.

D-oh!

Urrgghh...

Eeeeooohh...

- Yeowwwww!
- Yeowwwww!

[crash]

Now, keep your eyes
peeled for clues.

Do they make
a special utensil for that, Brain?

No, Pinky, but I believe they do
make a mouth clamp.

Why don't you use it?

[Billie] Aah!

It's Billie, Pinky!

We must make haste!

You mean,
"Get the lard out, chump"?

Whaa!

[grunting]

[Billie] Aah!

[gasp]

[Brain] It can't be!

Pinky, the hamster has
purloined our designs

for the Fedor-A-Matic.

You know what that means?

Oooh! I'll get another
tight, tingly hat?

No, Pinky.

A slightly snug sombrero?

No!

Mildly uncomfortable lederhosen?

Oof!

Hoo hoo ha ha!

Natch!

Not only has the hamster
stolen Billie,

He wants to steal the world!

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

[coughing]

No!

[grunting]

Pinky, help!
My hat is stuck.

Always the lucky one,
aren't you?

What happened to my hat?

[Brain struggling]

Ahh!

Look, Brain!

A whole gaggle of hats.

Pinky, where are you?!

Ooh. This one's
rather rakish.

Hoo hoo.

Brain?
Where are you?

How do I make it tight?

Oh, the irony of it all.

Hoisted by my own Fedor-A-Matic.

Brain! The world!

The world can wai... oof!

Hoo hoo ha ha!

Oh ho!
There you are, Brain.

- Yeeeoowww!
- Yeeeoowww!

Bad for glass!
Bad for glass!

- Oof!
- Oof!

Unh!

Bad for Brain.

All my suffering
was for naught, Pinky.

We don't have
a single clue to follow.

Does that mean this grocery list

I found in my hat
isn't a clue? Natch!

"Things to do."

[reading]

"Bribe city council"?!

[Pinky humming
Dragnet -type theme]

[Pinky] This is the city... um...

I mean, this is the City Hall!
Poit!

But you can't sell off
the water rights.

I need water for my arugula!

And I need water for my kombucha
mushroom plantation.

I need water

For my Mr. Wiggly-Woggly
Hosey Thingy Dingy dere!

Sorry, but the water rights
have already been awarded.

Meeting is adjourned.

Jiminy! I always wanted
a Captain Midnight decoder ring!

Jeepers!
I'll say! This is swell!

Pinky, are you pondering
what I'm pondering?

I think so, Brain,
but if we get Sam spayed,

we'll never have any puppies.

No, Pinky.

Someone has already
bribed the council for the water rights.

You mean...

Don't say it, Pinky.

Wee Willie winkie?

No, Pinky.

[Snowball] Snowball.

Aaaahhhh!

Too late again, Brain.

Pppbbbbllttt!

After him, Pinky!

I need water for my elephants!

Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh!
Ow! Oh! Ah! Oh!

We're in luck!
Taxi!

Tax... eeegh!

Follow that car!

Ooh...

Yes! This is a pain
that is most promising.

Egad! It's astounding,
Brain.

That I am pliant enough

to survive such calamity?

Nooo!

That you actually
found a cab in L.A.

Natch!

[Brain] We got to the reservoir
without a moment to lose.

[Pinky] And there were
three bowls of porridge.

And I said, "My, Grandma.

What big, swollen ankles
you have."

[Brain] Stow it, Pinky.

[grunts]

Come on, Pinky.

It's not as hard
as it looks. Argh!

You just get a little...
[ripping]

Yaah!

Scraped up, that's... [ripping]

Aah!

All... [ripping] Aah!

Pinky! Pinky, hurry up!

Right here, Brain.
Natch!

Oh, well, sure!

You can take the easy way!

[Man with Polish accent]
Hold it right there, mousey mouse.

You're a very nosy fella,
mousey mouse.

You know what happens
to nosy fellas, hmm? Huh?

Do you? Hmm? Hmm?

- Uh...
- This!

Ow!

Yaaaahhhh...

Oof!

[gulp]

Gee, I never think to carry
an umbrella in Los Angeles.

Gaaah! No!

Bbbbblllbbll!

[coughing]

Egad!
I'll save you, Brain!

Um... um, Brain,
before I save you,

do you think you could
teach me to swim?

With all that air in your head,

it's a wonder you don't float.

- Yeeeooowww!
- Yeeeooowww!

- Oof!
- Oof!

- Oh!
- Oh!

- Ah!
- Ah!

- Waah!
- Waah!

- Ow!
- Ow!

- Whooaahh!
- Whooaahh!

Whoo-hoo!

That was almost as thrilling

As our swirling whirlpool of fun

back in the lab, Brain!
Ha ha!

You've been playing
in the toilet again, haven't you, Pinky?

Well, if you want
to get technical...

[gasp]

No! It can't be!

Pinky, we're too late.

The Fedor-A-Matic
has been built!

Ooh, joy!

Tight hat city, here we come!

[Snowball chuckles evilly]

Top of the world, Brain.

Care to tip your hat
to my accomplishment

while you still can?

Ha ha ha ha ha!

After him, Pinky.

He's about to engage
the machine.

Poit! I didn't even know
they were going steady.

We really ought to bring
a gift, Brain... hwack!

You know where
they're registered?

Congratulations, Snowball!

We're so happy for you
and your fiancée!

A hamster engaged
to a big machine?

What will people say?

[Brain] Stop being
foolish, Pinky.

Oh, you're right, Brain.
As long as they're happy.

We should get them
something nice.

A fondue set, maybe.

I mean, after all, we are getting
tight hats in the bargain.

Hah! I'll stop you now.

No!

It can't be!

Egad, Brain!

Snowball's turned into a mouse!

No, Pinky. It's Billie.

Billie's turned into a hamster?

Nyeh!

She's a mouse!

She's a hamster!

She's a mouse!

She's a hamster!

She's a mouse and a hamster?

[sobbing]

Yes, Eggie, it is I.

But... but why?

[Snowball]
Because she loves me.

Yes, Brain, it was all a ruse,

designed to distract you
long enough

for us to steal your plans

and execute them.

And execute me in the process.

Don't be silly, Brain.

It would take
all the fun out of life.

I derive my greatest pleasure
from making you squirm.

I derive my greatest pleasure

from making Brain
squirt milk out of his nose.

Natch!

Ooh!

Ha ha ha ha!

[Billie] Stop that!

Snowball wasn't trying
to get rid of you, Egghead.

I was!

What?

I'm sorry, Eggie,

but as long as
you're in the picture,

I'll never really have
the thing I want most.

The world?

No.

Me.

Guess again.

[snap]

What?

Put me down, you goon.

Sorry, Snowy.

I was just using you
to get the water rights.

Besides, you never could
accept me for what I am,

making me take
voice lessons and all.

And you, Eggie,
you love the world too much

to ever really care about me.

Sorry, but neither of you
will ever hold a candle

to my one true love.

[sigh]

Pinky...

Pinky?!
Pinky?!

I've been played
like a tuneless fiddle at a hoedown.

Care to do the hokey-pokey?

Pinky, I built this for you.

I hope ya like it.

Ta-da!

Egad!
My own Fedor-A-Matic?

No, my darling!

A giant water park!

With slippery slides
and bumper boats!

Oooh, Brain!

Can we ride the bumper boats?

Can we?
Can we, plee-ee-ee-ease?!

You don't need
Brain's permission, Pinky.

I don't?

No! Your days of being
bopped on the head

and kowtowing
to Brain's every whim are over!

Troz... they are?

Yes! Boys?!

- Yaaaah!
- Yaaaah!

- Ya-haaaah!
- Ya-haaaah!

Gee, that looks like kicks,
goony-goon.

- Whaaa-ha ha ha!
- Whaaa-ha ha ha!

- Wheeeeee!
- Wheeeeee!

Alone at last!

Ha ha ha ha!

Oh, you're not alone,
Billie. I'm here!

And now I can give you
the greatest gift of all.

A hat squished down all
tingly-wingly around my head?

No, silly!

Me!

Mmmmmm...

Mmmmm...

Wah!

Oof!

Well... what do ya think?

You want to take
over my world, big boy?

Um, er, uh, uh,

I... I... I... I... I...

I'll have to ask
Brain if it's okay.

Whaaa!

Whaaaaah!

Wheee-hee-hee!

[sigh]

He was some kind of a mouse.

Hey, Dad, what's that?

The world's first water park.

It sure looks swell.

What are we waiting for?

[screaming and cheering]

[Brain, voice-over]
Well, this is where you came in...

With me in the drink
like somebody's dirty laundry.

[Pinky, voice-over] Ooh! I hope
they separated the undergarments. Natch!

Come, Pinky.

We must towel off

and prepare for tomorrow night.

Gee, Brain, what are we
going to do tomorrow night,

construct a machine
to make our pants really tight?

No, Pinky.

The same thing we do
every night...

Try to take over the world!

[Snowball]
If I don't b*at you to it.

Get your hand off of me,
you damp, hairy hamster!

As you wish.

Nyaaahhh!

Ha ha ha ha ha!
Aaah! Aah! Aah!

♪ They're dinky,
they're Pinky ♪

♪ And the Brain, brain,
brain, brain, brain. ♪

[music playing]