02x13 - The Best Dan

[bunniefuu]

Mr. and Miss Bealer are
charged with instigating

a food fight at the Times
Square Bubba Gump shrimp.

Interesting.

I didn't know they served
food at Bubba Gump Shrimp.

In their statement,

that couple blames their altercation

on the restaurant's
lack of self service,

forcing them to quote,
"talk to each other."

I know there are disagreements
in every marriage,

but culinary v*olence
is never the answer.

$100 fine.

Believe it or not, you're the
third defendants this week

with shrimp in their hair.

Couples like that are
why I don't want to rush

into a relationship with Jake.

Right now, it's just so new and fun.

We can't stop talking at restaurants.

It takes us forever to order.

Waiters hate us.

Trust me, it's not just the waiters.

You're just jealous because
the last woman you dated

is writing you letters on
toilet paper from prison.

She had her letter writing
privileges revoked

because she was using
her pen as a shovel.

Wow, your relationships
make me feel a lot better

about my horrendous divorce.

Next up, The People
versus Pete McGuiness.

Mr. McGuiness is a landlord

charged with excessive use of force,

for physically throwing his
tenants out onto the streets.

And who are the tenants?

[ENGLISH ACCENT] Hello, Judge.

It's so nice and warm in here.

I should like to stay forever.

He forcibly removed orphans?

They're not orphans.

They're a children's theater troupe

that only does "Oliver".

The defendant ruthlessly punted
the actors out on to the street

after he double booked his
property as a wedding venue.

Which means that if
you rule in the favor

of these fame hungry pre-adults,

you'll be blowing up countless weddings.

You better not be blowing
up my wedding, Tiny.

Did I mention that one of the
weddings is Roz Russell's?

The court directs the cute orphan

to please make big sad eyes at Roz.

Will you be my mum?

Oh, shut up.

Sorry you lost your venue.

You know what, though?
Big weddings are over hyped.

Sarah and I actually considered eloping.

I wouldn't want any witnesses
if I was marrying you either.

[MOCK LAUGHS]

Think I found a great
place for your wedding.

It's in the heart of Manhattan,
it's an historical landmark,

and it has so many security cameras,

you can fire your videographer.

- She's talking about here.
- I'm talking about here.

Considering the wedding is tomorrow,

what the hell choice do I have?

That's the quiet resignation
I was hoping for.

And the best part is the place
comes with an officiant

who's never had the honor,

but suspects it's the thing
they were born to do.

- She's talking about her.
- I'm talking about me!

We have an officiant.
I'd invite you as a guest,

but we're still waiting
on a couple of RSVPs.

Dan, are you seriously considering
not going to Roz's wedding?

I'm seriously considering not
going anywhere ever again.

That's fine.

I don't need him there drinking my booze

and throwing rice way too hard.

Okay, since you're both closed
off weirdos, let me translate.

Dan, Roz would like you
to go to her wedding

because you mean a lot to her.

And, Roz, Dan is afraid that
he's gonna have feelings

and people will see he's a person.

- Way off.
- Ridiculous.

But yeah, I guess I could stop by.

Having you here would be fine.

God, you closed off weirdos
are gonna make me cry.

Maybe losing the venue was
a blessing in disguise.

Well, then we're loaded with blessings

'cause this wedding has already had
so many things go wrong already.

I don't mean to eavesdrop,
but I have been.

Have you considered it's sabotage?

I mean, I imagine as a PI,

you've made plenty of
enemies along the way.

Sabotage would explain
how we've lost a florist,

a deejay, and most of
our string quartet.

Miss Russell, would you make me
the happiest woman in the world

and let me run security at your wedding?

For free?

You can do whatever the hell you want.

That's the quiet resignation
I was hoping for.

I hope you all have fun at the party.

I'll just be quietly practicing
the electric slide alone,

even though having the
wedding here was my idea.

- You can come.
- Yay!

That way, if anything goes wrong,

I can find you

and I can blame you.

Yay.

The ceremony was nice. I guess.

If I was officiating,

I would have done better than
"building this house on love."


its metaphors back.

You're cute when you're snarky.

You're also cute when you're not snarky.

This is just kind of a long
way of saying you're cute.

And this is kind of a short
way of saying I'm nauseated.

Listen, just because I'm here, don't
expect me to go to your wedding

when you decide to
blonde for all eternity.

Our wedding? That is the
farthest thing from our minds.

Yeah, no, we're just
keeping things casual.

Yeah. Good luck with that.

Weddings are the foot on the
gas of every relationship.

Oof, now I'm gonna have
to learn your name.

I want to say Chester.

That is the dumbest
thing I've ever heard.

Yeah, if anything, I'm more
of a Chase than a Chester.

No, I mean, the idea that this wedding

would kick our relationship
into a higher gear.

Like just by being here,

all of a sudden, I'm gonna be like,
"Oh, you should meet my mom."

I mean, she is in town,

but I'm not introducing her to
someone I'm casually dating.

Yeah, we don't want to bring
a mom into this hotness.

We are nowhere near meeting parents.

Well, parent. I've never
met my biological father.

I don't know why I chose this moment

to drop that super not casual b*mb.

Because Dan is right about weddings.

Maybe we should just
come up with some rules

to keep things light.

I love that. Nothing says fun and casual

like a boatload of rules.

First rule, no heavy conversations.

Yep. Just small talk and
playful banter starting now.

Perfect.

I did consider searching
for my dad once.

Sorry. Now it's out of my system.

So we made it through Roz
and Loretta's ceremony,

but we're not out of the woods yet.

The saboteur could strike at any time.

So I need you hidden, every table,

listening to every conversation.

b*ating a confession out of
anyone who looks at us wrong.

Like that guy.

That's Loretta's daddy.

Interesting, because he told
me he was Roz's father in law.

Someone can't keep his story straight.

I haven't been to a wedding
since my divorce.

I was worried it was gonna
bring up a lot of emotions,

but I'm holding it together
pretty lonely right now.

Here you go.

What are you wearing?
You're supposed to be a waiter.

In this dress? No one's gonna buy that.

But off your idea, why don't
I go on to cover as a guest?

Ooh, I'll start by chatting
up the partners

at Loretta's law firm.

I don't know. What's your cover story?

I'm a seasoned trial lawyer

who's trying to get out
of a dead end job

where I'm surrounded by bozos.

Oh, you got a real mind for this.

Yeah, but excuse me.

I really shouldn't be seen
talking to the staff.

So, which signature cocktail
do you recommend?

The "I'm Loretta sour"
or "Sex on the Roz"?

- Eight rosés, please.
- Oh, no, Sorry, ma'am.

Tonight they're "Roz-és".

They're not for me. I'm at
the unmarried aunts table.

And I'm hoping the wine
works as a mute button.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, okay.
Well, you know what?

- Mm-hmm.
- If that doesn't work out,

you can join me at the singles table.

It's largely children.

Their screens have been taken away.

So basically it's just a Kn*fe
fight waiting to happen.

Your eight wines, ma'am.

Well, how about I drop these
off and meet you back here.

Oh, great.

I can feel you smiling.

And I can feel you feeling.

Banner day, Dan.

- Banner fricking day.
- Just a second.

Hey, Roz, who's that woman?

She seems very familiar.

She should.

You argued against her sister

in this courthouse for the
better part of a decade.

That's Christine Sullivan's sister?

Yeah. Katie.

We met through Christine

and ended up seeing a lot of each other.

Now Dan wants to see a lot of her.

[LAUGHS]

Too bad she hates him.

- Damn it, Fielding. What did you do?
- Nothing!

Well, except maybe moving
to DC to be with Christine,

pledging my undying love,

and then just disappearing
with no explanation.

You know, that was a long time ago.

And she didn't seem to hate me just now.

Oh, maybe I didn't tell her who I was.

Well, you don't want
to drink in your face?

I'd keep it that way.

Message received.

Challenge accepted.

Flobert, I need your help
making me look good

to someone who hates my guts.

But you cannot say my name,
and you cannot tell Roz.

Roz?! The lady the drink's
named after is here?

Oh.

I hope this goes better than
the time I met Arnold Palmer.

Hi there. Olivia Moore.

So happy for Loretta,
et cetera, et cetera.

Oh, I heard that you're
looking for new associates.

Maybe an outside hire.

Someone who's quietly saying her name

to sneak it into your subconscious.

Olivia.

[CLEARS THROAT] You're in my seat.

- Devin.
- Olivia.

What's that perfume?

Desperation by Calvin and Hobbes?

So, you work at Loretta's law firm?

Don't tell me you made partner

'cause then I would need
to reintroduce myself

and adjust my tone. Olivia.

I got passed over, but don't
worry, I got big plans.

So if you'll excuse me, I need
some face time with the boss.

I...

Gina, you're looking well. Devin.

Everyone having a good time? Hm?

They come to an end, you know?

Wyatt, you see that guy over there?

He's boss blocking me.
I need you to get him drunk.

Smart, Olivia. Focus on career.

Career can't leave you and
take the dog you've trained.

Flobert, I need you to take
that guy out of commission.

- Booze or poison?
- Thank you.

Can I just say we are k*lling
it at keeping it light.

Just casually grinding like you
would any random piece of ass

you meet at a wedding.

Oh, thank you.

And let me just say you are
also a hot, disposable rando.

Oh, it's a slow one.

- Nice change of piece.
- Yeah.

[CLEARS THROAT]

- No. No.
- No, not today, wedding!

Hold on.

- No!
- What? My shoe's untied.

Tie it tomorrow!

Okay. Okay. Okay. I'm gonna
let you in a little secret.

When you see "anonymous donor"...

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHS]

- Here you go, sir.
- Uh-huh.

- Um... Thank you, my man.
- It's an open bar, sir.

Oh, that's for you.
Don't worry about it.

- Can't stop giving.
- [LAUGHS]

- Wow. A $50!
- Hey!

Uh... You know what?

They should make those different
colors, shouldn't they?

I just realized that I still haven't
gotten your name. I'm Katie.

Oh, I think we've established
that I'm anonymous.

But of course...
of course I have a name.

There he is, the bravest, most
decent man I have ever known.

This man is a hero.

You know, every year,
he shaves that beard

and sends the hair to
kids in other countries

who can't grow their own beards.

Whatever you're doing, do less.

Copy that.

This man is a coward!

Who hit me with this car and drove away.

That was an absurd over correction.

Oh, look at you two talking.

I'll just take this drink out
of your throwing hand.

I was just hearing about all
the volunteer work that...

Sorry. I still haven't gotten your name.

Oh, did he not volunteer that?

Oh, I'm sorry.

What's that, sir? Oh, yeah. What?

Oh, you said you would
like to make a toast?

Oh, I'm really not in a good place.

Oh, no. You know, you're right.

Let's get you in front of a
microphone. Here we go.

Listen, everybody. Probably
my generous nature talking,

but I think we should give our
full attention to this waiter. Go!

Uh, I didn't expect to speak,
but treasure today.

Later you may find yourself
dealing with divorce lawyers

and your ex wife could
have a new boyfriend

who gave a toast at your wedding
with a lot of innuendo

you probably should have picked up on.

But true love is worth that risk.

And when you find it...

... hold on.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

Let's hope this doesn't
kick off a wave of toasts.

Yeah, the last thing we need is a
bunch of half cocked sap hounds

trying to get us to be all lovey dovey.

So if this isn't working on us,

why you holding my hand?

'Cause you're holding
my hand, you sap hound!

Oh, you're picturing us playing
with our kids, aren't you?

We're using the cushions from
the couch to build a fort.

Abby, the wedding's winning.

I feel the walls closing in.

It's not the walls.
It's the bouquet toss.

- We got to get out of here!
- You might as well just catch it.

The wedding's not gonna stop
till it gets what it wants.

It's got to catch me first.

Oh.

Oh, go!

I'm starting to think that
Abby might be the saboteur.

That's better than watching them dance.

I heard you tipped the
bartender 50 bucks.

I have been lying to your
ex girlfriend's sister

all night and haven't seen a dime.

Thanks a lot, Dan Fielding!

You're Dan Fielding?

So this was you trying to
make yourself look good?

No, not at all. I was
just trying to show you

that I am not the man I was.

I've changed.

Oh, I don't know.

Because you still seem
like the same selfish jerk

that didn't bother to show
up to my sister's funeral.

No. Kate.

Be a waste not to.

There it is.

Closing argument for
why we should change

our judicial selection process.

New York State has
tons of pictures of me

eating cake off myself,
and I'm still here.

Huh.

Oh, I've got some news.

Katie Sullivan hates me

because I didn't go to
her sister's funeral.

Oh.

Sometimes in life...

Nope. Can't put a positive
spin on that one.

The fact is I was there.

I was hiding behind a
row of poplar trees

'cause I didn't want to intrude.

Christine Sullivan was the
best person I have ever met,

and I was in love with her,

and miraculously, she started
to have feelings for me.

And I pushed her away and then left

because I thought, you know,
maybe I wasn't good enough for her.

Dan...

- you weren't.
- Hmm.

I can see how fear can make
you push someone away,

sometimes into a cake.

Almost never into a cake.
That's just you.

You know, Christine
made me a better man.

I would have never had
the life I did with Sarah

if it hadn't been for
Christine Sullivan.

You could say all that to Katie.

Eh, what's the point?
She'd just think I was lying.

Well, I guess the important
thing is that you know, right?

Come on, let's go get
you a Loretta-colada.

Yeah.

Hey, you don't want your copy?

- You clean up nice.
- Hm.

You sure Dan won't mind me
borrowing his spare suit?

Oh, yeah, it's fine.
It's not even his good spare.

- It's the one he eats ribs in.
- Um.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

We said no sharing food,
especially the adorable ones.

Well, when I was riding you like
a surfboard into a wedding cake,

I realized it's not the wedding.

It's us.

I don't want to be casual, Jake.

Oh, me neither.

I'm exhausted from being so chill.

The truth is I want to slow dance.

I want to hold hands, and
I want you to meet my mom.

I want to meet your mom and your dad.

- Still don't know who he is.
- Right.

- Let's start with your mom.
- All right.

Muah.

You know what? I'm gonna go call her.

Okay. Okay.

- Just leave the cake-pop.
- Right.

Everyone can relax. The wedding is safe.

- I found our guy.
- Devin?!

[CHUCKLES] It's one of yours.

You can't prove I did anything.

You're a witness, Counselor.

You're right.

Sure you're bitter that
Loretta got the promotion,

but to sabotage a whole
wedding? Mnh-mnh.

That'd take a far greater
mind than yours.

Well, joke's on you because
this isn't a real wedding.

I planted a fake officiant, and
these two never got married.

Wait, weren't not really married?

I can feel you smiling.

And I can feel you needing an officiant.

- She just talking about her.
- I'm talking about me!

All rise.

The wedding is now in session.

Welcome, everyone,
to Roz and Loretta take two.

I know this wasn't your
first choice of venue.

Or second.

We almost converted to get
a synagogue on Long Island.

But I think this place is very special.

My dad always said a
million stories came in

through these court room doors.

And I personally think the
best kind is a love story.

Roz and Loretta,

we are so incredibly lucky

to be witnessing the official beginning

of your love story here tonight.

Move it along, Stone.
The deejay's on clock.

By the power vested me
by the State of New York,

I sentence you to eternity together.

$50 fine and time served.

Oh, sorry, reflex.

[APPLAUSE]

I don't know why I'm crying.

I don't even know these people.

You know something?

We keep dancing like this,
Loretta is gonna get jealous.

I'm just distracting you so
she can steal your wallet

and get us a better gift.

Oh, isn't the best gift friendship?

Fine. I'll get you some booze.

May I cut in?

- Uh, really? I...
- Don't talk.

I have a feeling you're ruin it.

- Usually.
- Always.

Abby. Hey, this is my mom, Susan.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

I'd say I've heard so much about you,

but Jake and I were keep it at
cazsh until like 20 minutes ago.

That's funny because
he told me all about you.

Oh.

Thanks, Mom. I'll get you
something from the bar.

Your drink still Scotch
and blabbermouth?

So, is this your first time in New York?

No, I lived here in the '80s.

Before I had Jake,

I actually dated a lawyer who
worked in this courthouse.

What a small world.

I wonder if the guy you dated knew...

Huh.

How long before Jake was born
did you date this lawyer?

A little under a year.

[GASPS]

I'm out of cake pops,

and I think that Dan might
be your boyfriend's dad.

Just so you know, I am real
bad at keeping secrets.