22x13 - Lifeguard Meg

[bunniefuu]

♪ It seems today that all you see ♪

♪ Is v*olence in movies and sex on TV ♪

♪ But where are those good
old-fashioned values ♪

♪ On which we used to rely? ♪

♪ Lucky there's a family guy ♪

♪ Lucky there's a man
who positively can do ♪

♪ All the things that make us ♪

♪ Laugh and cry ♪

♪ He's... a... Fam... ily... Guy! ♪

It's such a treat to be at
the water park with you guys.

I don't want to freak anyone out,

but Meg is just openly
weeping at the touch t*nk.

[CRYING] It's been so long.

- Okay. All right.
- I need this so much.

- This is a gift.
- Just gonna...

- You have no idea.
- ... move along here.

You're giving me a gift right now.

You-you take care now.

Yeesh. Imagine being that
desperate for human connection.

Anyway, sir, I've been
stung by a jellyfish,

and I need to be peed on.

Our jellyfish don't sting.

[CHUCKLES] Yeah, I think, I think I know

when I've been stung.

Now is there an attractive,

well-hydrated manager I can speak to?

Everyone having fun?

You know, this is our first family time

since we went to Dollywood.

- Aw.
- What?

It's just not what I thought
the sign would look like.

I mean, it's got two O's
right next to each other,

and, you know, it's just...

missed opportunity.

Where's Stewie?

Hey, Bri, can dolphins sting,

and-and what'll that get me, pee-wise?

Ah... !

Stewie!

[BARKING]

Well, I'm out of ideas.

Someone, help! My baby!

Peter, jump in and save him!

On it! Hang on. Hold my
phone. Hold my ear buds.

Hold my second phone I
hide from your mother.

[PHONE CHIMES]

Hang on.

Respond with an eggplant emoji.

[GRUNTS]

Hey, check out the new
addition. She's hot.

Eh, t*nk hot.

♪ ♪

[PANTING]

Meg! You saved Stewie!

Thank God everyone is safe.

And as for you, young lady...

- I guess I'm in trouble, huh?
- No, not at all.

In fact, we have a job opening
over at our waterslide park.

I think you'd make an
excellent lifeguard.

Will you apply for the position?

You mean it?

Wow, I feel like I'm in a fairy tale.

Now that my sister is dead,
I must have her ruby slippers.

Oh, no. Those shoes now belong...

to Meg.

♪ ♪

Ah! [BLEEP]

We're not even close to the same size!

Get 'em off, get 'em off!

[CRYING OUT]

[ANNOUNCER] In Oz,
there's no place like home.

For big women's shoes,
there's no place like Kohl's.

What software is that?

"Final Draft: 'Extra
Visible To Nearby Patrons

In the Coffeehouse' Edition"?

Just trying to get a little work done...

on my Hollywood
screenplay, for Hollywood.

Home of big Hollywood celebrities.

Ike Barinholtz, being an example.

Do not patronize this man!

I found an insensitive
post in his Twitter feed!

What? I-I would never.

He tweeted something very negative

about Abbott Elementary.

I-I said it was hilarious.

But you didn't use all caps.

You're canceled, mister.

[ALL BOOING]

I'll just gather my things.

[WEST] Per hipster law,

when a coffeehouse becomes available,

it goes to whoever has the
best coffee pun for the name.

Um, Java the Hut.

Perks and Recreation.

Uh, Lost and Ground.

- Roast Malone.
- Two and a Caf Men.

[WEST] This can go
on for quite a while.

Why, this very shop started
in the '80s as Funky Brewster,

and then Delta Perk.

In the mid '90s, it was briefly a tavern

called Dharma & Grog, and then...

- [BARKING]
- Uhp.

I'll send you back now.

Got to get the dog.

Daisy! Daisy!

It's just the barley man.
You know the barley man.

The Unflushed Poo & Tea Leaf.

Bathroom Key Code & Tea Leaf.

The Center for Homeless Armpit-Washing.

Brian, Brian. Everyone's gone.

Yup, it's all yours.

You can name it whatever.

Wow, what should we do first?

We should hang an "Under
New Management" banner

to generate interest.

Whoa, someone different
is signing the time cards.

I got to check this place out.

Really glad you're applying
for the lifeguard position, Meg.

I just have a few questions.

"If I were to ask you how
many times a day you shower,

- what would you say?"
- Uh...

The pool is a shower?

Wow, skipping to page two.

Let's see, this is all just boilerplate

about making sure to
hassle the urban kids

- like they're gonna somehow steal the pool.
- Right, right, right.

That was in the application
packet you emailed.

Okay, well, you're basically hired.

The only lifeguard test left is

for you to run all
sultry in slow motion.

["YAKETY SAX" PLAYING]

♪ ♪

- [SONG ENDS]
- Okay, we can work on that.

Wow, we're finally going to
open our coffeehouse today.

I've been dreaming of this
day for most of the day,

and now it finally pays off.

Yup, only thing left to do is

put the right music on the Sonos.

[AUTOMATED VOICE] Connecting:

- Brian's Knockoff iPhone.
- Wait, why does it say that?

[AUTOMATED VOICE] Playing: Jazz Music
Brian Never Actually Listens To.

- [JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
- Mmm, love this one.

[AUTOMATED VOICE] Favorited,
but not listened to once.

Not one single time.

It's okay, Bri, I got this.

[AUTOMATED VOICE]
Connecting: Stewie's iPad

That His Mom Has to Unlock for Him.

Whoa, no, not always.

[AUTOMATED VOICE] Playing:
Songs That Are Guys' Names.

[MALE SINGER] ♪ Robert! ♪

Stop, stop, we're overthinking this.

It's a coffeehouse.
We're legally required

- to play Sheryl Crow's worst songs.
- You're right.

Anyway, what matters
is we're finally ready

to open our new café:
"Oh Joe You D'int."

Uh, did-did we... did
we settle on that name?

[LAUGHS] Don't ask me.

You're the one who
keeps bringing us back

- to "Oh Joe You D'int."
- Yeah, I don't like that one.

And yet here we are talking about it.

You're the one who won't let it go.

Yeah, me, I'm open to whatever.

All right, are we
serving coffee or what?

[BUSY CHATTER]

Welcome, everyone.

Step right up and get
yourself some coffee.

Stewie, hook these people
up with some coffee.

Okay, where did you put the coffee?

Me? Wha... I... you were in
charge of getting the coffee,

I-I was coming up with
"Oh Joe You D'int."

Well, frick.

Okay, okay, make it look
like we can't help anyone

because we're preparing a
giant order for DoorDash.

- How do we do that?
- Just start throwing

a bunch of stuff into
bags, and I'll keep asking

if the next person
through the door is Dave.

Dave? You Dave?

- Dave?
- What about us?

You're actually here,
so you don't matter.

- [LIVELY CHATTER]
- ♪
♪

[MEG] A job can be more than a job,

if you love what you do.

I am a lifeguard because I love flashing

eye-level swimsuit
crotch sh*ts at families.

I love checking the pH of the pool

by gargling the water and seeing

how quickly it gives
me a yeast infection.

[THUD]

Okay, pH a little high here.

I love having a special
whistle that, when you blow it,

it makes the sound of Ray Romano
telling people to cut it out.

[RAY ROMANO'S VOICE] All right, guys,

that's enough over there.

[MEG] But what I love most
about being a lifeguard?

No more abuse from my family.

In fact, no family at all.

It's just me, all day, every day.

- [PETER] Hey, Meg!
- Dad?!

Great news. Since you work here,

I got a discount on a season pass!

I'll be here all day, every day.

And don't worry, I won't set up my towel

next to the breastfeeding moms.

Don't forget to swap halfway
through so you keep 'em even.

Dad, you have no right to
hang out in my workplace.

Well, maybe your workplace
should've thought of that

before they put an ad on my juice box.

I'm a lifeguard, you know.
I could just throw you out.

Aw, come on, Meg. Look,
if you let me stay,

we'll make one of those
viral videos you love.

You know, where something seems
real, but it's actually cake.

Yo, yo, yo, I'm here
with my daughter, Meg,

and her brother, Chris.

Or am I?

Ow, Dad! Stop it!

Wait, what happened to Cake Chris?

All right, let's see
what's happening on CakeHub.

[SULTRY MUSIC PLAYING]

What a dirty little cake.

Okay, plus, plus, you
know "laugh and cry"?

You know the... in the song
where Stewie says "laugh and cry"?

Let me stay, Meg, and it's all yours.

- You'd do that?
- I will look into it.

I will look into it very strongly.

[SOFTLY] ♪ Laugh and cry ♪

Okay, I guess so.

But only if you promise
to follow all the rules.

Guys, we're in!

- Hey, Meg.
- Hey.

Meg, I saw a sign about active diarrhea.

What if it's very passive?

[BUSY CHATTER]

What are we gonna do, Stewie?!

These people came for coffee,

and we have none to serve them!

Dude, come on. Can I
get some coffee or what?

Uh, hang on. I think I hear
our delivery guy in the back.

What do you mean you
don't have the coffee?!

[AS DELIVERY GUY] I-I know, I'm sorry,

and-and for such a handsome guy, too.

- You're so handsome.
- [AS HIMSELF] Okay, pal,

you're not gonna compliment
your way out of this one.

[AS DELIVERY GUY] Ah, geez,
buddy, you look so tense.

Let's get you out of that apron.

[AS HIMSELF] Oh, come on, I'm at work.

[AS DELIVERY GUY] Oh, when
is that body not working?

Sorry, hang on, just got to
deal with this stupid thing.

Enough of this.

Come on, other college students.

Let's go sign up for a credit card

that gives us a T-shirt!

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Wait! Hang on!

We got coffee for you right here.

Yep, the highest quality
that you've come to expect

here at "Brew Ha Ha."

I want to change our
name to "Brew Ha Ha."

You're a lifesaver.
Where did you get that?

I ran to the bodega next
door and got some Folgers.

What? We'll never get
away with serving Folgers.

Won't we? Look around, we're a hit.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

And check it out, we're
already a pretend small business

in a Chase Bank ad.

♪ ♪

[BRIAN] These days, running a small
business can be a big challenge.

[STEWIE] Whether we're
receiving a flower delivery

for unclear reasons...

[BRAIN] Or raising the blinds

and flipping over the
"Open/Closed" sign,

which is how I spend
most of my work day...

[STEWIE] Or even making a
latte for a Black woman,

an iced tea for a white woman,

and a coffee for a gently brown guy

who could go in a lot of
different directions...

[BRIAN] We've got our hands full.

That's why Chase Bank is here for us.

[STEWIE] When this man
in a suit from Chase Bank

came down and shook my hand
at my place of business,

it really solidified

what we'd already talked
about at his office.

[BRIAN] Now we're looking at a laptop,

like my stupid little coffee shop

is gonna be a big disruptor
in the online space.

[STEWIE] And my Chase business card

allows me to make those
emergency purchases

that I'll lose sleep at night over.

[BRIAN] Chase understands my business

the way they understand all businesses,

as a huge reverse funnel

that shoves money upwards to them.

[STEWIE] Hey, another flower delivery.

These'll look great in the bathroom,

while I'm pooping blood from the stress.

[BRIAN] Now I'm flipping over that

"Open/Closed" sign again.

Is that a new stadium
with Chase's name on it?

How'd they afford that?

[STEWIE] I'll be in this
bathroom for a while.

Better toss it to the announcer.

[ANNOUNCER] At Chase Bank,

we're about more than just

foreclosing on American
servicemen while overseas.

We're about small business.

So when you think of Chase,

don't think of the 2008 financial crash,

think of your local,
sympathetic small business.

Flower delivery.

[STEWIE] Yeah, guys, we're
good on flowers for a while.

Well, that's great, but it
doesn't change the fact that

we're passing Folgers
off as real coffee.

Isn't someone going to
know the taste of Folgers?

Relax, Stewie. The only person

who could possibly know
the taste of Folgers

would be an older white man
who works in public education.

I would like a cup of coffee, please.

Oh...

[STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

[WOMAN SPEAKING JAPANESE]

[LAUGHING]

Dad, you promised you'd
follow all the rules.

I told you, no horseplay.

[LAUGHS] We're having
big wrassle-fights

a'cause it's the only way we
know how to express affection.

- Gonna get you, Peter.
- Me, too.

And not because I love you

and I don't have the words to say it.

I'm just having normal fun

without all that mess.

Okay, guys, out of the pool.

I gave you a chance, and you blew it.

You're kicked out of the park.

- What?
- Go home.

I'm kicking you out.

Gotta catch me first.

Just try to get me out of the deep end

with these long-legged,
short-torsoed giants.

Dad!

Oh, my God, he's not breathing.

♪ ♪

Okay, guys. Come on now.

Please breathe, Dad.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Your mouth was... on my mouth.

Uh, I think.

Maybe a little. Yeah.

My God, Peter. That's your daughter.

Adopted daughter?

No, Woody, just-just regular daughter.

Oh, ye-yeah, then ew,
that's-that's wrong, ew.

♪ ♪

Okay, so... our mouths were...

totally touching each other.

Y-Yes.

But that's okay. That's okay.

'Cause you were saving my
life, so it's not weird.

Right, it's not w...

It's the opposite of weird.

Yeah, the opposite. Right, yeah.

And, anyway, we can just say
this never happened, right?

'Cause nobody even saw us.

[LAUGHING]

Ooh, they're all distracted.

Other urban kids, this is our chance.

♪ ♪

Stewie, what are we gonna do?

If we serve coffee
to Principal Shepherd,

he's gonna recognize that it's Folgers.

I say we wait him out.

Any middle-aged white man
can be ignored indefinitely,

unless he clears his throat.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Welp, we're out of moves.

Um, hi. How may I help you?

I would like a cup of coffee.

Y-Yes, sir. Uh, coming right up.

♪ ♪

Wait a minute, this is
Folgers instant coffee.

[CROWD EXCLAIMS]

I would know, we
served it at my wedding.

Yes, everyone, we admit it.

We didn't have our normal
coffee beans on hand,

and so we've been serving
you the cheap stuff.

You're all drinking Folgers.

That's awesome.

It... it is?

Heck yeah, man.

We're, like, paying way a
lot of our parents' money

for our parents' own cheap coffee?

That's kind of meta.

Like, seriously alt and iro.

[CROWD MURMURS IN AGREEMENT]

Well, that went different
from how I expected.

Yup, kids these days are
pretty forgiving and tolerant.

This dog and baby are
banned from society forever

'cause of an Internet thing.

One of them keeps trying
to slide into AOC's DMs.

- Brian?
- She's hot,

but we're supposed to pretend she's not.

Well, who's that red lipstick for?

[CROWD BOOS]

I guess the coffee shop's available.

Roast Busters.

Good luck.

♪ ♪

Oh, back from the water park, you two?

Anything unusual happen?

Yeah. No. I mean,

I did mouth-to-mouth on this one guy,

but he was, like,
way not blood-related.

Okay. Guess I'll just watch the news.

Our top story, creepy lip-lock

saves a life at Quahog water park.

Local man Peter Griffin was revived by

a game of tonsil-hockey
with lifeguard Meg Griffin,

who... I'm placing my hand over my ear

and pretending to get new information...

is his own daughter?

Babe, it's not what you think.

Yeah, I was just saving his life.

He means nothing to me.

I want to believe that, Meg.

But look what people
are saying on Facebook.

"This is wrong," Bonnie Swanson.

"So not okay," Donna Brown.

"Russia USA number one support,"

woman's face with Getty Image watermark.

Our family is a laughing stock.

Why are you being like this?

I was just doing my job.

I know, but I'm sorry,
it-it's just weird.

I feel humiliated.

If you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette alone,
which is how TV depicts

a woman at her lowest point emotionally.

This is insane.

Yeah, when are people gonna grow up?

♪ Peter and Megan, sitting in a tree ♪

♪ K-I-S-S... ♪

Oh...

♪ E... N-G. ♪

- [BELL RINGS]
- [ANNOUNCER] And Chris Griffin is eliminated,

which means Boopresh
Armiteg will repeat as

National Spelling Champion.

Congrats to his
always-frowning Indian parents

joylessly clapping in the audience.

[APPLAUSE]

♪ ♪

Guys, we called this meeting

because there are a lot of
hurtful rumors swirling around,

- and we have something to say to you.
- That's right.

- You guys are being stupid.
- Meg and I are in love.

What? No, Dad,

we're telling them that they're idiots

- and to cut it out.
- Right, I...

That's what I meant,
I-I'm all confused.

I-I'm not in love with Meg, I-I ju...

I need to return a ring to Zales.

[CRYING]

[BOTH GASP]

Oh, my God, your father's not breathing.

Meg, you have to give
him mouth-to-mouth.

Me? You do it. You're his wife.

I need at least four
beers to get there, Meg.

Besides, you're the
only one who knows how.

No way, I already did it once,

and it made my life hell.

Meg, please. This is our father!

Probably.

What's that supposed to mean?

We've all heard stories of

your time on the Hoobastank tour bus.

Meg, your father is
dying and he needs you,

and I am not going to
sit here and apologize for

what I may or may not have done

with the Hoobastank bassist.

"Hoobastank bassist"?

You don't even know the guy's name.

They've had like five bass players,

and, anyway, it's not like
I was writing down names.

[PETER GASPS]

What's the big deal?

You stick your tongue down Dad's throat.

Most natural thing in the world.

Where the hell have you been?

Brian and I did a coffee
house thing, I don't know.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

I have to take this. Hey, you.

Listen, Meg. I'm glad you
saved my life at the pool.

But I'm sorry I came
there in the first place.

Everyone deserves a place of their own,

and I get that now.

I promise I'll treat
you better in the future.

You know, we've had
conversations like this

again and again, and
nothing ever changes.

You're a terrible father,
and I'm counting the days

till I move out of this house.

Okay, but what if, in
the spirit of inclusion,

I tell you "I love
you" in sign language?

Oh, I love you too, Dad.

[PETER] But this never happened

because no one resuscitated me.

I did wake up eventually,

but now I need help
feeding and bathing myself.

I spend most of my days
getting walked around

by a nurse who talks to
her sister on her phone.

[NURSE] Whoa, hold up.
Mom gave you the necklace?

[PETER] That's her now.

♪ ♪

Well, Meg, I gotta say,

I'm proud of you for going to
that water park each day

and working a job that you love.

Oh, I quit that place.

- What?
- Yeah, the weather turned

two degrees cooler than
I like, so I just bailed.

That's the girl I raised.

Yay, our generation folds at nothing.

And, Stewie, I'm sorry our
coffee house didn't work out.

I wonder how Principal
Shepherd's doing with it.

Eh, I hear he's going with
a "teachers' lounge" theme.

Your entire pastry case

is just Tupperware with people's
names written in Sharpie.

Don't forget this sad box
of donuts cut into quarters.

Everyone, let's all talk about things

that parents have told us in confidence.

[ANNOUNCER] It's kind of
like Abbott Elementary,

which is amazing. Amazing!

You gotta watch it. Oh, my God!