01x04 - Defending Dustin

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Ahh. Hey, will you guys
slow down?

- We're gonna be late
for class.

- Better late than sweaty.

- She has a point.

- Ooh!
Cute boy to the left.

Green shirt, backpack.

How hot is he?

- Mm, 7.

- No, 9. Right, Zoey?
He's a 9.

- Yeah, but I gotta take off

for the red shorts
and green shirt.

He looks like Christmas.

- Agreed.

- I like Christmas.

- What up, Zoe?
- Hey, kiddo.

- Hey, what's up?
- Hey, what's up?

- Just going
to geometry class.

- Geometry?
- In sixth grade?

- Yup. Dustin takes
eighth grade math

'cause he's brilliant.

BOTH: Aww.

- Zoey. I gotta go.

- Wait. Let me fix you.

- What are you doing?

- Making you look cooler.

Oh, and your hair's too neat.

- Will you stop?

I gotta get to class.

- Don't let the eighth graders
intimidate you.

- Come on,
I fit right in!

KEITH: Okay.

So...

the right answer
is 28 pi.

- Mm-hmm.

Class, are his calculations
correct?

ALL: I don't know.

TEACHER: Mm-hmm?

- He used
the wrong formula.

- What are you
talking about?

- I'll show you.

The formula to find
the area of a circle

is pi r squared, not 2 pi r.

[kids giggle]

So the right answer is...



Just saying.

[laughter]

- Very impressive,
Dustin.

[bell rings]

Don't forget your homework
due tomorrow.

[tense music]

♪ ♪

[energetic music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic rock music]

- Keith, nice to see ya.

- You think you're real smart,
don't you?

- Well, one time, I did get 112
on a spelling test.

Funny story. See, I was--

I notice you've lifted me.

- All right, Dustin.

Since you're so smart,

you're gonna do
my math homework for me.

- But I--
- And my history homework.

- But I don't think
it's right for--

- And my French homework.

- But I don't know French.

- Then you got a lot of work
to do, don't you?

- Oui.

- You have all my homework

done by tomorrow morning.

Got it?

- What happens if I don't?

- Bad, bad things.

[dramatic rock music]

[upbeat music]

WOMAN: ♪ Looking for you,
looking for me ♪

- Hey, need a ride?

- Hey. You going by my dorm?

- I am now.

- Should I hold on to you?

- Yes.

- You sure this is safe?

- Uh, define safe.

WOMAN: ♪ Everything's better ♪

♪ When you're around ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Put me in your spotlight ♪

♪ Oh ♪

CHASE: Oh, hey, Herb.

- Chase, how you doing, kid?

- Oh, just lovin' school,

except, you know,
the whole learning part.

- Ha-ha.
- And this is Zoey.

- Hi, Herb.
- Nice to meet you, Zoey.

- Hey, did you get the part
in that movie?

You know, Herb's an actor.
- Nice.

- Struggling actor,

and, nah,
I didn't get the part.

- Their loss.
Herb's awesome.

Watch.
Do some Shakespeare.

- Oh, I don't know.
I--I don't like to--

"For who would bear the whips
and scorns of time"...

"The oppressor's wrong,

the proud man's contumely"...

- Contumely?

- "The pangs
of despised love."

[Zoey and Chase applaud]

- Wow, impressive!

- What does that mean?

- I got no idea.
- I had a feeling.

MAN [over walkie-talkie]:
Hey, Herb,

we got a 114
in the science lab.

- Yikes. Copy that.
I'm on the move.

- What's a 114?

- Vomit.

- Pretty.

- For who doth mop
the chunks of lunch

spewed forth by the nauseous
and the queasy?

'Tis the noble
janitor's plight...

- He's a really good actor.

- And vomit mopper.

- Hey, Zoe. Hi, Chase.

- What's up, Little D?

- Dustin, you do not need
to be eating junk like that.

- She's right. You gotta
dip this in chocolate syrup.

Way better.
- Chase.

- Just give me back
my Bing-Bong.

- No. Growing boys do not
need to be eating Bing-Bongs.

- Ohh! Will you quit
acting like Mom?

- Can you believe
what he said?

- Kind of.

- Excuse me?

- Well, I mean, you do
kind of baby him sometimes.

- I do not!

- Okay, that bruise should
appear in about 20 minutes.

- I do not treat Dustin
like a baby.

- You do.
- Why?

'Cause I don't let him
eat garbage like this?

- Garbage?

You're talking
about the Bing-Bong,

nature's perfect combination
of chemicals and sugar.

- I gotta go.

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

- You have all my homework

done by tomorrow morning.

Got it?

- What happens if I don't?

- Bad, bad things.

♪ ♪

- Jerk.

♪ ♪

[loud banging on door]

- What's happening?

- Who's banging on our door?

- I don't know.

[bang-bang]

- Hey.
- 'Sup?

- What are you guys
doing here?

- At 1:30 in the morning?

- You gotta hide Elvis.
- Who's Elvis?

- Our dog.
You gotta hide our dog.

- Wait. Slow down and tell us
what's going on.

- Well, I found this dog
on the beach...

- And he didn't have
any tags.

- So I've been keeping him
in our room.

- Doesn't PCA have a rule
against pets in the dorm?

- Yes, they do.
That's why we're here.

- See, our D.A.
was in our room tonight,

and he smelled the dog.

- D.A.--
short for "dorm advisor."

- I know.
- Okay.

That's short for "okay."
- Stop it.

- Anyway, so now
our D.A.'s all suspicious.

- So you gotta hide him
for us, you know,

till things cool down.

- No.

- Will you, please?

- Look at this face.

- We can't keep a dog
in our--

[cell phone rings]

[Elvis whimpers]

[ring]

- Yeah?

Oh, man! Be right there.

- Who was that?
- Logan.

D.A. did a room check
and now he's looking for us.

- We gotta go.

- Wait, guys! Guys!
We can't keep a dog in our--

[Elvis whimpers]

We have a new roommate.

- Oh, no, we don't.

- Where are you going?

- To tell our D.A.

I don't want that mutt
in my room.

- Dana...

Just for a little while, okay?

- Come on,
if you turn him in,

they'll take him to the pound.

- Three days. That's it.

- Yay!
- You hear that, Elvis?

You're our new roomie,
yes, you are.

- Aw, he's so cute.

Wait. He's a he, right?

[Elvis grumbles]

He's a he.

- Just keep him
out of my stuff,

or else he's gonna be a she.

- Ouch.

♪ ♪

- Dustin?

- Oh, hey, Zoe.

- You look horrible.

- Yeah, I was up
till 4:00 in the morning.

- Why?

- This mean guy
named Keith Finch...

- Yeah?
- He's making me do

all his homework.

- What? He can't do that.

- Yeah, he can.
He's huge.

His head weighs
more than I do.

- Did he thr*aten
to hurt you?

- It was implied.

- Okay, where is this
Keith Finch?

- Over at the quad.
But, Zoey--

- Come with me.

- Zoey,
what are you gonna say?

- Oh, I got a lot to say.

[rock music playing on stereo]

Okay, where is he?

- Forget it.
You'll just make him madder.

- Excuse me.
Where's Keith Finch?

MAN: ♪ I want
to paint a picture... ♪

[music stops]

- Hey,
I was listening to that.

- You think you can push
my little brother around?

- Zoey, he's very hostile.

- Who are you?
- I'm his sister,

and you're gonna
leave him alone.

- Zoey, this may not be
the best idea.

- I don't care.

Bother him again
and you're gonna deal with me.

- Ooh, watch out, dude.
The kid's got a bodyguard.

- Come on, we better
get out of here

before we get served.

[boys laugh]

BOY: Hey, Dustin,

Mr. Freevy gave me a C
on my history quiz.

Think you can get your sister
to b*at him up for me?

[boys laugh]

[other children laugh]

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

- There you are.

- Leave me alone.
- Dustin.

- You embarrassed me
in front of everyone.

- I was helping you.
- Well, quit it!

- I'm your sister.
- I don't care.

I'm tired of you treating me
like a baby.

I liked it better at PCA
when you weren't here.

And I'm eating this Bing-Bong.

Ha!

♪ ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Hi.
- Hi.

[melancholy
acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

- You upset about Dustin?

- No. I just want to sit.

Go ahead, read your book.

- Okay.

- How can you read a book
when I'm so upset?

- Sorry.
I should be more sensitive.

- Why is Dustin mad at me?

I stood up for him.

- Look, I know
this sounds weird,

but a kid would way rather
be hassled by some jerk

than have his sister fight
his battles for him, you know?

- That makes no sense.

- It's a guy thing.

- Then guys are idiots.

- I'm not denying that, but...

sometimes you just gotta let
a dude be a dude.

- So I can never help him?

- No, you can,
every once in a while,

but just try and keep it
on the DL.

Down low.

- I know what it means.

But I just don't want to see
Dustin get hurt.

- [sighs]
Everyone gets hurt sometimes.

You've never been hurt?

- No, not by a big, dumb bully.

- Well, then maybe it's time.

Oh, yeah, that's right!
She's in trouble now!

Gimme your lunch money!
- Quit it!

- Gimme your lunch money
or I'll--

Oww! Did you bite me?

- Maybe.

- Oh, it's on!
- [chuckles]

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- You're fast.

- Maybe you're just slow.

- Harsh.
- Guys, guys!

Our dorm advisor took Elvis.

ZOEY: What?

- She took our dog?

- How'd she find him?

- Well,
I went to the bathroom

to check my hair--
because sometimes it frizzes,

and I hate it when it frizzes--

- What happened?

- When I opened the door,
Elvis ran out.

And before I could do anything,
she grabbed him.

- And?

- She's taken him
to the animal shelter.

[melancholy music]

♪ ♪

[dramatic rock music]

- What's up, Dustin?

- Look, Keith,
just leave me alone.

- And what if I don't?

Your sister gonna b*at me up?

[boys laugh]

Listen, punk, from now on,
you're doing my homework

and my laundry.

- Come on, Keith.

- Uh-oh. He's on his feet.

- Watch out.
He may whip out a cell phone

and call his sister for backup.

- Ooh!
- Oh, no.

- Ha ha ha ha!

♪ ♪

[both laughing]

- Look at that.

- Can you believe that?
- That's insane.

- That's impossible.

[door clicks open]

- I need some advice.

- About what?

- On how to handle a jerk.

- We can help you
with that.

- Yes, we can.

- You told him what?

- Well, you know,
that, um, sometimes

you gotta stand up to a guy
like Keith and tell him off.

- Chase!

- Okay, what has
this shoulder done to you?

Where are you going?

- To help Dustin.
- No, no, no, no!

You cannot do that.

- I'm not letting
my baby brother

stand up to a dumb jerk
who's twice his size.

- Listen,
whatever Keith does to him,

it's better than having
every kid in school

laugh at him
because his big sister

has to be his bodyguard.

- Fine. Come with me.

- Where?
- I have ideas.

- Zoey.
- Now.

- Finished grading
your homework assignments.

Keith, did some very good work.

Much improved.

[knock on door]

- Excuse me, Mr. Kirby?

- Yes?

Keith, it seems you're wanted
in the principal's office.

STUDENTS: Ooh.

- Oh, no need to "ooh."

Now, back to our triangle
with a hypotenuse of 13.

- Close the door
and sit down.

[tense music]

I'm very upset with you,
Mr. Finch.

- You're not the principal.

- No back-sass!

- Who are you?

- I happen to be
the dean of discipline.

- Dean of--
- Stop speaking!

- Okay.

- I understand
you've been harassing

some of the younger students,
is that correct?

- Well, I--

- Don't even think
about lying.

- Yeah, I guess I have--

- You guess?
- Yes.

- Yes what?

Come on, say it, Finch.
Tell me!

- I--I pick on people.

- You mean you used to.

- Huh?

- If I ever hear of you

bothering any student
on the PCA campus,

especially younger ones,

I'll expel you faster
than pigtails on a giraffe.

Do you understand me?

- Yes, sir...

except for the giraffe part.

- Get out!
- Yes, sir!

♪ ♪

- [laughs]
- Herb, you were great!

- Oh, man, yeah!
I was outside.

You had me shaking.
- Really? I was good?

- Are you kidding?

- That was the best acting
any janitor has ever done.

- Thanks.
Now, if you'll excuse me,

there's a clogged toilet
in the gym calling my name.

[Zoey and Chase chuckle]

BOTH: Eww!

[tense music]

- Hey, here he comes.

♪ ♪

Are you sure
you want to do this?

- Yeah.

- Hey, Dustin.
- Just be quiet.

- Huh? Look,
I just came here to--

- I'm sick of you,
Keith Finch.

I'm sick of you
pushing me around.

KEITH: Dude--
- And from now on,

you do your own homework.

- Look, man--
- And I'm not doing

your stupid laundry,

'cause it smells bad,
like you!

From now on,
just leave me alone.

Got it?

- Yeah. Sure, okay.

- Whoa! That was awesome!

He totally backed down.

- Yeah.
- Come on!

Let's go celebrate.

- Nah. I think I'm just
gonna go change my underwear.

- And then he goes,
"And your stupid laundry

smells bad, like you."

- No way!

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

The kid was on fire.

- Yeah, it was so awesome.

- Hey, toss me a Blix.

[door clicks open]

- What's up, guys?

ALL: Elvis!

- Hey, boy.

- Yay! Look at you!

- How'd you get him back?

- I snuck off campus,

took a bus
to the animal shelter,

and got him back.

- Aww, see,
you do love him.

- I think she does.
- I do not.

- Yes, you do.

♪ Dana loves Elvis ♪

BOTH: ♪ Dana loves Elvis ♪

- Okay. But if any of you

tell anyone
that I did something nice,

I'll mess you up.

[door clicks open and closed]

- Oh, Elvis,
you get some Blix.

- Yes, you do!
Look at you!

- D.A.'s coming.

[Nicole gasps]
- What do we do?

- The trick.
- What trick?

- We taught him a trick.
- Yeah. Put him down.

- Ready, Elvis?

BOTH: Hide.

[upbeat music]

[all greeting the D.A.]

- Hey, Coco.

- So, uh, looks like we have
a little problem here, don't we?

- Problem?

- You know the PCA rule...

No boys in the girls' dorm
after 8:00, okay?

And it is 8:04.

- Oh, uh,
we're on our way out.

- Yeah.
We'll soon be a memory.

- Mm-hmm.

Hurry.

[sighs of relief]

- Come here.
Come on, boy.

[Elvis growls]

- Aww. Who did good?
You did.

- Yay!

- You get more Blix.

- Yes, you do.

- This is
really good bottled water.

- It's just water.

- Yeah, I hate water.

- Hey, Zoe.

[light acoustic guitar music]

♪ ♪

- Hello, Zoey.

- Hi.

You still hate me?

- Nah.
You were just trying to help.

- Thanks. And I promise,

I'll let you fight
your own battles from now on.

- Okay. But...

ZOEY: Yeah?

- Would you still try
to help me look cooler?

- I'll take his shirt,

you take his hair.

- Mm-hmm.

- Socks.
- Oh, yeah.

There. All cool.

- Thanks. Later.

Hey, guys, wait up!

- Wait! Tie your shoelace.

Dustin!

- Just keep walking.

- "Undiscovered country
from whose bourn

"no traveler returns
puzzles the will,

"makes us rather bear
those ills we have

"than fly to others
that we know not of?

Thus conscience does
make cowards of us all."

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, you ♪

♪ Just gotta let it loose ♪

♪ And do what
you choose to do ♪

♪ Don't walk away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

DUSTIN: I think I'm just
gonna go change my underwear.