03x03 - Hot Dean

[bunniefuu]

WOMAN: Are you ready?

♪ Ooh ♪

♪ I know you see me
standing here ♪

♪ Do I look good,
my dear? ♪

♪ Do I look good today? ♪

♪ Today, today ♪

♪ Ooh ooh ooh ♪

♪ I'm just another
kind of girl ♪

♪ And you want
to see my world ♪

♪ So come and run away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you wanna play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away, yeah ♪

♪ I will make you see ♪

♪ All of the things ♪

♪ That you can be ♪

♪ Believe in yourself ♪

♪ Come follow me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[upbeat music]

♪ ♪

- Oh, man.

Hey, Quinn, do you think

you could fix our
model airplane?

- I could fix a real airplane.

Let's see.

I should be able to boost
the voltage to the engine

if I bypass these two resistors

and connect this wire directly
to the battery compartment.

That should up the thrust
by about 250%.

There.
Try it now.

- Go for it.

- Is that better?

- Kind of.

- Whoa.
- Whoa!

Look at it fly.

- Yeah, but I can't steer it.

- That's because I disconnected

the navigational system
to give it more power.

Have fun.

- Give me that thing.

- Oh, and I need you to--

[phone ringing]
One second.

Sure, what time?

Oh!

- [screams]

- And until Dean Rivers returns
from the hospital

with his nose reconstructed,

the man temporarily in charge
of PCA will be Dean Taylor,

who's with me now.

Dean, welcome to PCA, sir.

- Thanks. Glad to be here.

[girls screaming]

- That's the new dean?

Look at him.
- He's gorgeous.

- He's not
as good-looking as me.

- His foot's better looking
than you.

- Well, we're psyched
to have you here.

Although we're sorry it's due
to the tragic accident

that happened to Dean Rivers.

And now we go to Brian Striley

with a report on PCA's
new cheerleader uniforms.

[drum b*ating]

- Whoa.
- Out of the way, ladies.

- Whoo-hoo.

- They're awesome, Jeremiah.

They are just awesome.

Oh, my God.

MICHAEL: They're going to be
cheering for us.

Can you believe that?

- Oh, yes. It's all over.
- Oh, who cares?

- Ow!
- Wow.

- Do you understand
what you just--

[upbeat music]

[Coco screaming]

- What is that?

[Coco continues screaming]

- Why is our dorm adviser
rolling on the ground?

- Coco, are you okay?

- Do I look okay?

I'm a woman on the concrete.
[crying]

- Did Carl break up
with you again?

- [screaming]

- I think Carl broke up
with her again.

- [continues screaming]

- Let's get her up.

- Stop. Stop.

Just leave me here to die.

My cell phone!

WOMAN: ♪ So when I wake up
yesterday... ♪

- I just--

I just can't believe
he dumped me over the phone.

- He always dumps you
over the phone.

- Like, every three weeks.

- [blows nose loudly]

Oh, God!

What is that?

- Well, we're really sorry.

- But we got to go start
our homework.

- I just--
I just don't understand guys.

First they tell you
that they love you,

then they tell you
that you're too clingy

and needy, and, man, I'm hungry.

I mean, I know I can be moody
and bloated

and judgmental,

and I may not bathe
as much as other girls.

But I'm fun to be with, right?

Right?

Oh, man.

Is there hair on my honeydew?

♪ ♪

So, about three years ago,
it's Valentine's Day,

and I made him this beautiful
ravioli dinner

with candlelight and music,

and I wore
my special cargo pants

with the little hearts all over.

You know what he bought me
for a present?

Do you want to know what I got
for Valentine's Day?

A pretzel.

A big old pretzel
from the gas station!

Then the seventh time
he broke up with me,

it was a week
before my birthday.

We got in this huge fight,

because he said
my mother's crazy.

Oh, yeah.
My mother's crazy.

His mother makes baseball caps
for dogs.

What dog wants to walk around

with a rhinestone-studded
baseball cap?

No dog I know.

♪ ♪

- Five hours.

Five hours that woman blabbed on
and on about Carl.

- Do not say
the name Carl again.

I'll puke.

- Isn't our dorm adviser

suppose to help us
with our problems?

- That's how it supposed
to work.

- Let's just go to bed
and forget about it.

Good night.

- Good night.
- Night, guys.

- See you in the morning.

COCO: It's like part of me
wants to call him

and try to fix, but,
you know, what's the point?

'Cause three weeks from now,
he's just going to call me up

with more complaints
about whatever he's in the mood

to complain about.

But one thing you can count
on with Carl--

complaints, complaints,
complaints.

Hmm, cookie dough?

One Christmas,
I go over to his house.

I'm knocking on his door
for, like, five hours.

Who's not home on Christmas?

Another thing, he doesn't even
know how to order a pizza.

Who doesn't know
how to order a pizza?

Are you sure you don't want
some cookie dough?

It's very good.

You know what he bought
for a present?

A big old pretzel
from the gas station!

[scooter horn honks]

- I just don't understand why
they call it a pair of pants.

- Why not?

- Because, man, a pair
means two,

like, a pair of shoes
or a pair of gloves.

Two shoes.
Two gloves.

- Mm-hmm.
- Why pair of pants?

- Because, man, you will sound
stupid if you're like,

"Hey, man, I love my new pants.

You like my new pants?
Check out my new pants."

- I think we're safe.
- Safe from what?

- Coco.
- She won't leave us alone.

- We had to listen
to her gripe and moan

about her dumb boyfriend
for hours.

- It's him. He's coming.
- What's going on?

- It's the hot new dean.

[girls giggling]

- Large coffee, please.
Black.

[cameras beeping]

Thank you.

- What I would do to spend


- Yeah, you and every other girl
at PCA.

- We could spend
a little time with him...

if we got in trouble.

- One.

- Two.

BOTH:
Food fight!

[indistinct shouting]

- Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.

Can we all be a little bit more
mature here?

Oh.

Oh, man.

You know what?

I ain't playing with you, man.

- This is not mature, guys.

- It's so slippery!

- You know what?
Yes.

- Zoey, duck!

♪ ♪

- Did you two start
the food fight?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

- We did.
- We're bad.

- You see,
that's what I don't understand.

I've been told
that neither one of you

have ever been in trouble
at PCA before.

So why now?

- Well, we've always had
serious behavioral issues.

They've just been dormant.
- Yeah.

- But I still
don't understand what--

- Do you have a girlfriend?
- What are you, like, 6'1"?

- I-I don't--

- What kind of product do you
use in your hair?

- Product in my hair?

- Oh, come on, don't tell us
that's just towel-dried?

- We're not dumb.
- Oh, no, we are not.

- Um, okay.

Since this is your
first offense,

I'm not going to give you
detention.

- Do you have a younger brother?

- Could I take a swab
of your DNA?

I brought a swab.

- Look, I know I have flaws

and insecurities and dry skin,

but Carl's not exactly
Mr. Wonderful, either.

I mean, you're guys.

Am I--am I unappealing?

Would you show up at my house
on Valentine's Day

with a pretzel
from a gas station?

- We're just teenagers.

- And I don't even like
pretzels.

- You're just a mess.

[phone vibrating]
- [gasps] My phone.

Maybe it's Carl.

Oh, gross, it's my mother.

What?
- [sighs]

COCO:
No, he hasn't called me.

That's right, Mom.

I'm gonna grow old
and die alone.

- Wow.

You have a horrible
dorm adviser.

[both giggling]

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Hey.
- What's up?

- So, how'd
your little meeting go

with hot Dean Taylor?

- Awesome.
- Excellent.

- We found out things.

- He's from Indiana.

- Graduated from Harvard.

- He's adorable.

- And he's single.

- Good. Why don't set her up
with Coco?

Get her mind off Carl.

[boys laughing]

- Dean Taylor and Coco.

- I would k*ll to see that.

- Um, we were, uh--

we were just kidding.

- Dean Taylor and Coco?

- No.
- Yes.

- Zero chance.

- Okay, then I guess
we can all take turns listening

to Coco go on and on
and on about Carl.

- I think Dean Taylor and Coco
could make a lovely couple.

- Let's make it happen.
- Let's do that.

♪ ♪

MAN: ♪ It got a little crazy
back there ♪

♪ This isolation
is too much... ♪

♪ ♪

- All right.
- Nice meeting you.

- Okay, here we go.

Dean Taylor.
- Hey.

- What up?
- What's up?

- I'm doing all right.
How are you guys?

- Pretty good.
- Just chillin'.

- Can't complain.

- So you single?

- Huh?

- Not married, no girlfriend.

- Not dating anyone?

- Actually,
work keeps me pretty busy.

I don't have time to date much.

- Well, you know,
there are a lot

of available women
right here at PCA.

- Teachers--
- Nurses--

- Girls' dorm advisers.

- Oh, yeah, like Coco.

- Coco.
- Coco--sounds like a poodle.

- Oh, no. She's much prettier
than a poodle.

- So what are your hobbies?

- Uh...

do a little scuba diving.

- Ah, that's perfect.

- That is so perfect.
- Yeah.

- Well, this, uh--this Coco
likes to scuba dive, does she?

- Well...

- You know, she, uh...

she likes sushi.

- How is sushi like
scuba diving?

- Well, you know, they're, um--

they're both fish themed.

- Yeah, you know,
they're both part

of the aquatic experience.

Yeah.

- Right.

- Come on,
just a little further.

- I don't want to see
the new gym floor.

Who cares?
- Everyone. It's so glossy.

- Why would I want
to see a gym floor,

- Hey, it's Chase, Michael,
and Logan.

- Oh, well, this is so weird.

- What?

- We were just talking
about Coco.

- Coco, this is Dean Taylor.

- Dean Taylor, Coco.

- Hi.
- Dean Taylor.

- He was just telling us
how he loves sushi.

- Oh, you like sushi?
- Yeah, I like sushi.

- Perfect.

Why don't you take her out

for sushi on Friday night?

- Friday night?

- Sushi Rox is right here
in on campus.

So what do you say, Dean Taylor?

- Well, uh, sure,

if Coco would like that.

- Okay.
[laughs]

Wait. You swear you're going
to show up?

'Cause I've been
down that road before,

like Fourth of July
two years ago--

- Hey, that's great.
- All right.

Yeah, we're good.
Don't worry about it.

- Yeah, she's got it.
- She's just playing.

- Friday night...
- Bye.

- Fourth of July to her,
a real fun time with sushi.

- Friday, 8:00.

♪ ♪

- Okay.

Sunomonos are here.

- Sunomono.
- Your sushi here.

- Sushi.

- My special tuna.

- What makes it special?

- I told you never
to ask me that.

- It won't happen again.

- Okay, Chase,

you are in charge.

Try not to burn down
my restaurant again.

Just saying.
- Right.

- Okay, there's more
prepared sushi in the back.

- Great.
- Hai.

- Dude, where are the girls?

I just had to set a table,
and I am guy.

- They're with Coco,
helping her do her hair.

- Oh, I hope they get
all the bugs out.

- Oh, good,
the cello player's here.

- I thought we were going
to have a flute player too?

- Where'd he go?

- Oh, God.

Michael, y-you play the flute?

- Man, I told you
he would laugh.

I'm leaving.
- Hey, hey.

This is important, man.

Now go get ready,
you little fluter.

- It's flautist, okay?
- Just go.

- Get it right, flautist.

- Carl. Carl. Carl.

You're not listening.

Well, I don't want
to get back together.

You heard me.

Hey, hey, hey, too little,
too late.

I have a date tonight.

That's right.

I am having sushi
with a hot dean.

♪ ♪

- Wow, look at this.

- Very impressive.

- Okay, you guys eat.
- Talk.

- Enjoy the music.

- And if you need us,

we'll be right back there
in the kitchen.

- Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.

Um, that's a very pretty dress.

- Thanks.

So, uh, how'd you dump

your last girlfriend?
- I'm sorry?

- I was recently dumped
over the phone.

- Oh, well, that's not
a very nice way

to end a relationship.

- Hmm, you got that right.

[light music playing]

♪ ♪

- Miso soup.

- Ooh, yeah, yeah.

I mean, I give the guy
four years of my life, right?

I wash his underwear,
I fix the toilet,

I pop the pimples
he can't reach,

and he has the nerve to dump me
over the phone?

Okay, whatever.

- How's it going?
- Bad.

Everything she says is awful.

[all sigh]

- I got an idea.

[whispering indistinctly]

- Oh, what did you tell them?

- To listen to Coco,

and every time she starts to say

something awful,
play really loud.

- So I grew up
in New Hampshire,

but I was actually born
in Kentucky.

- [slurps]

I was born in a trailer park.

My mother, uh--my mother--
[music volume increases]

[shouting] My mother couldn't
drive herself to the hospital

because her license
was suspended,

and we didn't have a bathroom
in our trailer.

- [shouting]
I see. So...

[music volume decreases]

So did you go to high school
here at PCA?

- Nah, PCA just started

letting girls in a couple
years ago.

I went to this rat hole
of a high school in Cleveland

right next to a chemical plant.

They had roaches in
the cafeteria the size of a--

[music volume increases]

[shouting They had roaches
in the cafeteria the size--

Hey, keep it down!

Keep it down!

- She got sushi on my flute.

- Uh, let's talk about something
more meaningful.

- Like what?
- Tell me about you.

What makes you tick?

- Oh, uh, I don't know.

I mean, I have my hopes
and dreams like other girls.

[chuckles]

[sighs]

- Uh-oh, she's getting nervous.

- So?

- When Coco gets nervous,
she sweats.

- A lot.
It gets bad.

- Um, I'm sorry.

Uh, I always feel
a little weird

talking about myself
in a personal way.

- Man, she's sweating
like an animal.

- We have to help her.

- There's a fan in the kitchen.

- [gasps]
Does it oscillate?

- What?
- Just get it.

- Go, go, go.
- Just get the fan.

- Um, I guess
I'm just a people person.

[chuckles]
I love people.

[sighs]

I'm a Capricorn.

Um, do you watch Jay Leno?

He's--he's one of my favorites.

He does this bit
about airline food.

It gets me every time.
[chuckles]

Is it--is it warm in here?

- No. Not particularly.

Can I get you an aspirin
or something?

- No.

No, uh, I'm good.

I'll just be one...

one minute.
[chuckles]

Help me.
I'm soaked in my own sweat.

- Um, okay, okay.

Uh, you guys go get some towels
so she can dry off.

- Got it.
- Go!

- She's got to change clothes.

- I can't run all the way
across campus and change.

I have foot spurs.

- Well, okay,
you can borrow my clothes.

- I wouldn't wear that.
- Oh, really?

- You like mine?
- Yeah, I'd wear that.

- Towels. I got towels.
- Here you go.

- Good.
Now go on the kitchen,

wipe off the sweat,
and switch clothes.

- Okay, come on.
- Hurry! Go!

♪ ♪

- Hey...
[chuckles] I'm back.

- Oh, great.

Did--did you change
your clothes?

- No, not really.
[chuckles]

- Please, sit.

- Sure.

[chuckles]

[fabric tears]

I'll just stand.

- Hey, Coco!

- Who's that guy?

- Carl?

- I want to know what you're
doing out with another guy.

- You dumped me.

- And that gives you
the right to date other men?

- Kind of.

- Wow. This is great.

- You're coming with me.
- No!

I'm tired of getting dumped

every time
your softball team losses.

- Do you know
what it's like to play

on a softball team that loses
the majority of the--

- Sir, the lady said to please
leave her alone, so just--

- Back off, handsome.

I'm messed up, Cocs.

I need you.

Take me back?

- Carry me to my dorm, cowboy.

I got cookie dough
in the mini fridge.

[laughs, squeals]

- [grunts, laughs]

- Wow, he is really strong.

♪ ♪

- Now take a little sip.

- Mm, mm.

Girls, really, I'm--I'm fine.

- Oh, no, no, no.
You took a nasty spill.

- Yeah, you shouldn't move
for at least 24 hours.

- You just relax.

- Okay, get together, everyone.

Now say "dean."

ALL: Dean.
[camera beeps]

- That's a cute one.

[Carl grunting]

How--how much--

how much farther?

- About a quarter mile.
- [chuckles]

Oh, dear God.

Oh, God.

♪ ♪

WOMAN: ♪ Yeah, yeah, you ♪

♪ Just gotta let it loose ♪

♪ And do what
you choose to do ♪

♪ Don't walk away ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ If you want to play ♪

♪ Come and play today ♪

♪ Let's just get away ♪

[ding]

MAN: Mmm.

COCO:
I have foot spurs.